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User Topic: Repost - Addictive Relationships
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Stop  Posted: 11:25 PM, December 17th (Monday)

Addictive relationships interfer with daily living.

They are very real. You can identify them by the way your life is out of balance.

They do include a lot of fantasy too. Addictive relationships have you doing things you would not 'normally' do.

Like sitting and waiting for a long time for a phone call and then getting moody when it doesn't happen.

Like keeping your schedule open for "what if" someone is available; putting you life 'on hold' for someone else.

Like doing things you wouldn't do except that it's for/about "that" person.

Like being cranky and mean to other people in your life because you are not happy with the way the addictive R is going.

Like obsessing in your mind and compulsive behavior to be with the person.

Like forgetting about 'everything' else in your life when in the presence of the person. This is where reality meets fantasy. You are so myopic (near sighted) you don't see the rest of the world around you. You create a reality to escape to and push away the rest of the world - reality.

You feel love, and especially passion, but you are not loving to the rest of the world. Your love is coveted for the one person.

The difference between an addictive relationship and a healthy relationship is how it affects your OTHER relationships; especially the one with yourself!

Rather than thinking of it as real vs addictive think of it as healthy vs addictive. What is a healthy relationship? Fantasy is just part of addictive relationships. A healthy relationship doesn't need fantasy... it's just... healthy!


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)

I think this describes so many affairs, from what I have seen.

At the height of my addiction, I was graphing out how many times and what time of day OM was texting or calling me. To try to come up with a pattern to predict when he would next call.

Anyone see "A Beautiful Mind?" Yeah, not so much.

Replaying loops of conversation in my head. A broken record. Looking at the same pictures on him and new GF on Facebook.

I was a crazy person. Not the pretty cool chic that people respect.

Beach, I love this post. It captures the essence of what was me, then.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1984 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)

So proud of you and us! We have come a long way!!


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
atthedoor
Member
Member # 25993
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, December 19th (Wednesday)

Nailed it!


Clearly we are on the ten year plan.
DD 10/14/2009

Posts: 138 | Registered: Oct 2009
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

This is like one of my fav posts, because it so accurately described my relationship with OM as well as other dysfunctional relationships in my life.

Bumped for newbies!!


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1984 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

Thank you so much for posting this, I haven't seen it before and am glad I was able to read it.

This describes my actions with my AP also...so much it scares me


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 842 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

If I didn't know better I'd think you were probably a fly on the wall during my A.

Describes my mindset and behaviour to a tee.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

I also felt like this with my H when I initially met him, but it soon settled as we "normalised" our relationship, as we started to discuss our wants and needs for the future. As I began to feel secure and stable, loved and happy.. this 'addictive' love stopped.

Difference is, with AP, what you describe was pretty consistent all throughout my LTA. I mistook it for passion and longing at the time (and wondered why this was no longer a part of my M).

It was absolutely unhealthy, addictive and ultimately placed me in a state of anxiety. I can see this so clearly now and was able to recognise it then. Thing is, when the hit came, it was too powerful and my junkie mind wanted more.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
pizzalover
Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

It was absolutely unhealthy, addictive and ultimately placed me in a state of anxiety. I can see this so clearly now and was able to recognise it then. Thing is, when the hit came, it was too powerful and my junkie mind wanted more.

^^^^ Trying, I couldn't have said this better myself. T/j - I have been talking to my IC about addiction/addictive behaviors. I think I was addicted to this affair, not to the person. I was addicted to the feeling of being accepted and respected and loved even though I now realized those three feelings are 180 degrees away from the reality of the affair. There was no love, no respect, and no acceptance.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 452 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 9