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User Topic: Repost - Intimacy in healthy relationship
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, December 17th (Monday)


Source "Don't call it Love" by Patrick Carns.


Six capacities are needed for intimacy to exist: Initiative, presense, completion, vulnerability, nurturing, and honesty.


Initiative :

Healthy intimacy - Calls; reach out; risks expression of care; invites others to share activities or problems; express wants and needs; takes responsibility to maintain relationship

Dysfunctional intimacy - Passive; seeks isolation; victim stance (it happens to me); belief in abandonment; seductive to avoid admitting needs or wants. Relies on others to maintain relationship.


Presense :

Healthy intimacy - Emotionally available to others; Listens and attends to others; explicit about reactions; spends time with others; notices what happens with others; accepts attention of others.

Dysfunctional intimacy - Emotionally constricted; shame makes distant and removed; deflects attention as undeserved; fails to notice what happens to others; distracted and nonattentive; evasiveness leaves others wondering who person really is.


Completion :

Healthy intimacy - Builds trust by finishing things; finalizes arrangements with others; acknowledges care and outreach so transactions are finished; works for closure on problems; responsive to other's needs and wants; express appreciation for completed efforts.

Dysfunctional intimacy - Overextention and loose ends provide sense of undependability; closure avoided; issues and problems put off and unresolved; unresponsive to other's needs and wants so they ended up feeling unheard; seldom acknowledges contribution or efforts of others, so they wonder if they had any impact; evasive about responsibilities.


Vulnerability :

Healthy intimacy - Shares process of thinking and feeling; talks about dilemmas; involves others in discussions; allows feedback; reveals self not shared with others; fears and sense of inadequacy available to others.

dysfunctional intimacy - Thinks things through in private; feelings unshared so no one knows decision process; internal dialogues unshared, but relied upon; appears fearless and unshakable because feelings of inadequacy are disguised.


Nurturing :

Healthy intimacy - Cares for others; makes caring statements; empathizes with other's pain; supportive; encouraging; offers suggestions; affirms value of others; does things to help others when it does not diminish them in any way; touches others.

Dysfunctional intimacy - Withdraws from others when they are in need; criticizes their efforts and judges their motives; dismisses or talks others out of intense feelings; removed and untoucheable ; fails to help when needed.

Honesty :

Healthy intimacy - Claims positive and negative feelings; clear about priorities and values; specific about disagreements; provides feedback when asked; admits flaws and mistakes; isfully known to intimates.

dysfunctional intimacy - Significant feelings remain unshared or acknowledged; preference not expressed; vague and manipulative about disagreements; hides flaws and covers mistakes; no one has total truth; relies on third parties to communicate.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Teach8
Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)

Beach...this is wonderful. Thank you for sharing this.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 492 | Registered: Aug 2012
thankyou1981
New Member
Member # 36019
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)

Thanks for posting this (I think!).

I can see pieces of myself in pretty much all of the dysfunctional sides there.

On the positive side, I know I can keep working to replace dysfunctional behaviours with healthy ones. Thanks!


Me: WS, 31
Her: BS, 29 (Please1983)
2 boys, 2 and 4
DDay: 20th August 2011

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: UK
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)

Teach, Thankyou, Glad it helped.

This was eye opener for me, too.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
scream
Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, December 19th (Wednesday)

Thanks for posting this. I am Teach8's WS. I relate to so much of this post. I'm sure she saw me in it when she read. Thanks again it is good see it laid out this way.

Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2012
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, December 20th (Thursday)

thanks for reposting this. I first read it when I was going through false R, and it really helped me see my marriage for what it was - not healthy for either me or now-ex.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12124 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
surviving28years
New Member
Member # 36638
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, December 20th (Thursday)

Great post...sadly I see my H pre my A in the dysfunctional side. During my A I see myself in the dysfunctional side but was on the healthy side pre A. Interesting thoughts.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Aug 2012
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, January 20th (Sunday)

and another...


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
sosorry5454rl
Member
Member # 37637
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, January 20th (Sunday)

Wow what a great post. .. this was quite helpful to read. .. scary but helpful. Thank you


WW(me) 41
BH 50 (5454real)
Married 10 years
Currently in R and plan to stay there and succeed
DD 21, DS 19, SS 22, DS 8, DGS 2

Posts: 61 | Registered: Nov 2012
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, January 21st (Monday)

Thank you.

This one rates printing so I can revisit often.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1394 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

Bump


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
pizzalover
Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

Thanks for sharing this.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 340 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

Thanks beach. Printing this out.....


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1067 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
cheerless
Member
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

This is great. Thank you for posting.


♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad


Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
pizzalover
Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

Bump


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 340 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, July 19th (Friday)

Bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2528 | Registered: Aug 2012
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, July 19th (Friday)

A great post. Encouraging: seeing so much of my betrayed wife's core self in the healthy category, and actually much of my healthy self there, too.

Discouraging: knowing how my damaged, lying, cheating self acted out on the dysfunctional side of the tracks. Discouraging in a "wow, pathetic, dude" way.

And scary in a "you really couldn't or wouldn't see yourself as you were?" way...punctuating the grandiose and delusional nature of my "addictive affair".

And, finally, with regard to my xAP...the dysfunctional side is spot 'effing on. Discouraging, again, in how I willingly blinded myself to a core flaw (just one of many) in her wiring.

Really good stuff.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2528 | Registered: Aug 2012
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

This is a wonderful mirror for all of us to use......not just WS. Us BS's need to be aware of our actions and reactions as well.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

I am a BS and see plenty of myself in here as well. Shared it with WS -- thanks!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1774 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Silentthoughts
Member
Member # 40289
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Wow great post. gotta print.


WW - early 50s (me)
BH - late 40s
3 grown children
Married 25 years
Online cyber sex dec 2010. I got caught late dec 2010. Lying and TT until full disclosure jan 2011.
In R we both are committed to staying in this M.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Aug 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Bump


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:26 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

Bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2528 | Registered: Aug 2012
HollyLou
New Member
Member # 41248
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

I'm a newbie BS- and this was very interesting. I see both myself and my WS floating inbetween these states throughout our M. Thanks.


BW, 45
WH, 48
D-Day 10/30/13
M: 17 yrs
2 DDs 15, 13
Status: ??

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: MA
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Just found this. Thanks to Beach for starting it. Glad it was bumped a few times! Will share with H.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2122 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, December 6th (Friday)

bump


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1268 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, January 5th (Sunday)

bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2528 | Registered: Aug 2012
Kap12
Member
Member # 41759
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, January 5th (Sunday)

Thanks for sharing!

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013
Kap12
Member
Member # 41759
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, January 5th (Sunday)

Thanks for sharing!

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013
Prayingforhope
Member
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

Going to carry this with me! It might come in handy if my BS ever gives me a second chance...


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, March 23rd (Sunday)

Bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2528 | Registered: Aug 2012
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, March 23rd (Sunday)

I can identify myself in the dysfunctional honesty before and during the A. But can also relate to the healthy honesty since Dday.

BH is in the dysfunctional intimacy categories for everything, those paragraphs are like reading about him. Not sure what to do with that information now.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1219 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, May 5th (Monday)

Bump


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Actionsoverwords
Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

I check off all of the boxes on the dysfunctional side of the requirements for healthy intimacy.

Having a check list for the healthy side of the equation is very helpful. Thank you for the repost.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 163 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Topic Posts: 34