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Reconciliation
User Topic: Hold me tight
phoenix54
Member
Member # 36574
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday)

Anyone have experience with the book "Hold me tight" by Sue Johnson? The book looks at emotionally focused therapy and is based on attachment theory.

We just started reading this together and it looks promising. Anyone else?


BH: 45 (me)
WW: 43
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 17 years
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 436 | Registered: Aug 2012
phoenix54
Member
Member # 36574
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday)

bump


BH: 45 (me)
WW: 43
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 17 years
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 436 | Registered: Aug 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday)

Phoenix - I have this and have read it but I'll need to refer back to it tonight when I'm home to make a recommendation. I believe it's for those who have been neglected or abandoned as children and how to form bonds with others as an adult if something like this was missing from your childhood.
I think it involves intimacy and those who say they want it but push it away...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4768 | Registered: Dec 2010
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday)

We are reading it too.

WHs IC recommended it for us. It definitely nails my primary problem with our marriage: I do not feel safe sharing or expressing any emotions with my WH.

I am a little surprised the IC recommended it as the Introduction explicitly states it is not for couples in an abusive relationship. Maybe she just isn't quite "getting" the fact that WH is an abuser (emotional and verbal).

I can definitely see where it could help non-abuse couples break unhealthy behavior patterns. It also seems to be helping my WH understand how his abusive behaviors caused everyone in his life to detach from him and why.

It is making me a little sad reading it though as it makes me realize how many years I have lived in a terribly unhealthy environment.

Out of curiousity Phoenix, did you take the quiz in the first chapter? The one about A.R.E. and your feelings of safety with your spouse? And do you mind sharing how many questions you answered "false" to?

We took it. My husband only answered false to a few of the questions (and I could predicte exactly which ones). He was stunned to learn I answered false to all of them.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 831 | Registered: Jun 2012
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, February 17th (Monday)

I have finally realized the need for some IC. I have chosen a therapist who has studied with Johnson and actually holds couples retreats called "Hold Me Tight".

I was thinking about ordering this book.

Are there any comments from others who have read this?


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 753 | Registered: Feb 2012
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, February 17th (Monday)

My IC loaned me her copy and we're reading it. Unfortunately my H reads it aloud to me and the sound of his voice is so soothing and I have so much general stress and fatigue that I fall asleep every time. So I guess you could say he is reading it and I'm sleeping peacefully on his chest.

But I do want to read it, I think it sounds very interesting.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 902 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 17th (Monday)

Wow! Sounds like it is worth buying just so that I could actually fall asleep!


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 753 | Registered: Feb 2012
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, February 17th (Monday)

..
Wow! Sounds like it is worth buying just so that I could actually fall asleep!


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 902 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
sad81712
New Member
Member # 37418
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, February 17th (Monday)

My WH and I read the book and went to a Hold me Tight weekend workshop. I think it was very helpful for us to open up and talk about difficult things. It also made us look at FOO issues.


Dday 8/12
thing are better but not the same....
Dday #2 10/13 b/c of TT
8/14- We're in R

Posts: 35 | Registered: Nov 2012
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, February 17th (Monday)

I'm curious about these couples retreats, I'll be googling...


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 902 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
silentscream13
Member
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, February 17th (Monday)

I have not read it, but I now have another book to put on WH and I reading list! Since my IC says I have massive FOO abandonment and trust issues this might be a good read for me.

Thank you for bringing it to my attention!


ME: BS- 39; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13)
OW: TechnicallyMarriedEx-GF - 47
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (but was planning it before he got caught)
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: Almost 18 years; Married: Almost 15 years
4 Children
Apologies: I edit. Often.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, February 17th (Monday)

WH read it (and I think it was recommended by his IC) so maybe he will jump on this thread and talk about it. He has significant FOO issues and has empathy and bonding issues.

We've talked through several of our relationship sticking points with the view of the book in mind- seems helpful.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Topic Posts: 12