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Reconciliation
User Topic: Support for Couples Separated by Travel
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, February 5th (Tuesday)

This is a place to share your struggles, tips, strategies, and successes stories while being apart.

WS and BS welcome

[This message edited by Chicho at 12:33 PM, February 24th (Sunday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, February 5th (Tuesday)

Hlessons knows that his business trips can sometimes trigger me, as he was on one when I found the evidence.

Before he leaves, he places sticky notes with little messages written on them at different places around the house where he knows I will find them while he is gone. This is a big deal, as my love language is words of affirmation, and he never used to try to reach out to me in this way. I keep the notes on my bathroom mirror.

He will text me when he arrives at whatever city he is flying to and he calls when he is done with his business meetings. He then will tell me where he is going for dinner and he texts me when he is done and then we usually Skype for awhile when he gets back. Having this amount of communication has helped me to know what is going on with him while he is gone. He didn't used to be this way. And he has no issue with it at all. That is what helps the most I think. There is no resentment there.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4486 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
1Emptyglass
New Member
Member # 37548
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)

Awesome! A place to talk about anxiety related to a spouse's travel. My FWH travels most of the time. He is currenly on a schedule that brings him home only two weekends a month. The last 16 months of trying to recover while my FWH works/lives in another city have been so hard.

I am still riding the emotional roller coaster and am stuck between spoiling what little time we have together by talking about the A or discussing it by phone when I can't see his expression or feel any physical comfort (like hugs) while I am trying to deal.

Travel days are a huge trigger because I discovered the affair shortly after dropping my FWH at the airport via his open email account at the house.

[This message edited by 1Emptyglass at 4:08 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]


Me-BW 44
Him WH 44
OW single 54 co-worker
Married 21 years at d-day
kids: DD21 DS 17

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: CA
MFC2011
Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)

My H and I are apart the vast majority of the time due to his job. I'm a SAHM since Nov '11. His A's were all started during a work assignment overseas from Oct '11 to Jan '12.

The constant travel has really slowed down our R....in a lot of ways we're still kinda working out how to handle all this, even though D-day was a year ago. Recently he's gotten better, but there's a long way to go. A lot of times I feel like we're only a few months out, instead of a year. On the other hand, it's kind of given us the benefits of a separation, but without having to make a purposeful decision to do so, or explain it to anyone, or work out the logistics of two actual households.

One thing that was very helpful for me was to have GPS tracking on his phone. He was aware of it, and I was the only one with the password to turn it on/off. It helped because A) I could match it to where he might randomly mention he'd been, and B) it provided a way for me to check up on him that was not intrusive....I didn't feel like I was quizzing him. His phone was stolen in mid-Jan, so we don't have that right now and I wish we still did. It was a great trust-builder for a situation where he can't be accountable to me in person.

We're trying to work together to come to an acceptable level of communication about his whereabouts now. I've asked him to volunteer more info, because I don't like to have to ask him for it over and over and over. I'd like to know when he's arriving at and leaving work, when/where he's going to dinner and with who, and if he goes other places to hang out and with who. I'd also like more photos.

Other things we do:

1) Skype daily
2) I have his flight and hotel info
3) We text throughout the day

I do not know what I will do if/when he has to go back to the location where the A's happened. Will be difficult to say the least.



Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
MFC2011
Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)

I am still riding the emotional roller coaster and am stuck between spoiling what little time we have together by talking about the A or discussing it by phone when I can't see his expression or feel any physical comfort (like hugs) while I am trying to deal.

I can definitely relate to not wanting to spoil any together time by bringing up the A. It bites me on both ends....when he's away, I don't want to take up our small amount of Skype time with A issues, and when he's home I don't want to take up our limited amount of in-person time with A issues. Argh. Recently, however, our talks about the A have become more of a bonding thing between us, so we do a lot of it by Skype now. It sucks not being able to have the physical aspect of hugs or touch, but at least we can see each other's faces.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)

I have so much anxiety when my husband travels because all of his cheating was done when he was traveling for business. I took him to the airport this morning, we have been on the phone 3 times and multiple texts, couple emails...he shares his schedule and keeps connected with me throughout the day. Calls me between meetings or on layovers @ the airport...We skype at night, he calls me when he first wakes up before he gets out of bed to say I love you & good morning. I need to feel connected to him when he is gone with a lot of contact or I get so much anxiety and sadness. Sometimes I text or email him something positive like a list of what I love about him or "us" or what I'm grateful for or naughty thoughts and I always get something positive back. Since dday I have also traveled some with him. I spend time here on SI and I have bought a lot of lingerie(no complaints) It does get easier as time goes on.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 596 | Registered: Oct 2011
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)

Thank you for starting this Chico.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 596 | Registered: Oct 2011
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)

I travel regularly for work. I am away 2-3 times a month usually for 2-3 days each. My fWS is a SAHM. The majority of the A took place in our house while I was traveling.

The idea of being away and not knowing what was going on while I was gone has caused huge anxiety for me. There was a time last year when I didn't leave the house for months. As a result my job really suffered.

I find that there are 3 separate areas of travel that I struggle with and they all have different feelings.

1. Leaving- This seems to be the hardest for me. Usually about three days before a scheduled trip I start to get anxious. I have a hard time eating. When the day comes to leave I just can't bring myself to do it. I putter around the house finding things to do. If I plan to leave by 8am I am lucky if I get out by noon. Its like a little kid standing on the high dive talking themselves into jumping. I haven't really found any strategies to make this easier.

2. The actual time away. This is the time of worry. What is going on? Where is she? Who else is there?

We have put a lot of thought into ways to ease my mind. We maintain as much communication as I need. I am honest about what I need and she is happy to help with what I need. Some days it is a chat message every 30 min. How much trouble could she really get into in 30 min. Other days we can go most of the day without talking.
The worst feeling in the world is voice mail. We have a no voice mail rule. She is expected to answer the phone anywhere any time. If there is a time that she thinks she can't like in the shower or cutting up chicken, she will warn me in advance.

3. Coming home- This is another one that I have been struggling with more lately. When I get home I find myself on High Alert. I am hyper aware of her facial expressions, body language, word choices, ect. This is a tough one because 3 days alone with a 3yo and a 12yo is probably pretty tiring and stressful. But if she is not doing cartwheels and jumping up and down excited to see me I jump to worst case scenario.

Each trip and each honest conversation things get easier.

[This message edited by Chicho at 7:44 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)

Thanks for starting this Chico. The travel is so hard.

For me, being a SAHm, his travel is a trigger because I see it as a vacation of sorts. Nice dinners, hotels at some exotic locations, alone time, and a free pass, really, to do anything he wants without being accountable.

It's not very easy to do any of those things when you are caring for children 24/7.

And did I mention lonely?


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1413 | Registered: Jun 2012
yummybunny
New Member
Member # 38165
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)

I have had to travel for work for the past 10 years and it was one of the perks of my job that I really enjoyed. But then I discovered my WSO was having an affair while I was traveling.

And, to make it worse, the first time I had to travel for work after D-Day #1, he re-initiated the affair and took it underground. I found a receipt in our car from the gas station near her small town that was paid for just an hour after he dropped me off at the airport!

I was supposed to be working in Spain for 3 weeks the very next month and I was so afraid that he would not maintain NC that I actually quit my job. I quit my $80K a year job!!!

It took me 6 months to find work again and although it involved limited travel at first, it soon became monthly travel to the US, and I started to worry again.

That is why I have a VAR in our car and our house now : )


Me: BS 53
Him: WS 42
Together since 1998
My Son, 22 and His Daughter, 21
Both away at college
D-day #1: Dec 26, 2009
D-day #2 (same AP): Feb 10, 2010

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
MFC2011
Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)

1. Leaving- This seems to be the hardest for me. Usually about three days before a scheduled trip I start to get anxious. I have a hard time eating. When the day comes to leave I just can't bring myself to do it. I putter around the house finding things to do. If I plan to leave by 8am I am lucky if I get out by noon. Its like a little kid standing on the high dive talking themselves into jumping. I haven't really found any strategies to make this easier.

I definitely have some anxiety issues around the time my H leaves. What's different for me, though, is that it isn't really beforehand. In the days leading up to his travel (when we get advance notice anyway), I'm okay. But once he's out of sight, I start freaking out. The first 1-2 days of his trip, he's VERY likely to get a frantic/angry/emotional text or email from me. Usually angry.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
MFC2011
Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)

For me, being a SAHm, his travel is a trigger because I see it as a vacation of sorts. Nice dinners, hotels at some exotic locations, alone time, and a free pass, really, to do anything he wants without being accountable.

I could have written EXACTLY that. And it adds to our relationship stress that my H tends to view MY work as a SAHM as not as stressful/hard as having a job. He never says it in a mean way, but when discussing being tired, stressed, busy, etc. there's always a mild undertone of comparison. Well seeing as I worked full time until I was 32, I think I'm in a pretty good position to say that being a SAHM isn't any easier....it's just different. And I can't call in room service, go smoke a cigarette on a balcony overlooking the ocean, take a sick day, etc. I have two mini "bosses" and they run my life 24-7 (good thing they're cute!!) and depend on me for EVERYTHING from food to butt-wiping to entertainment. I know his life traveling can be hard....I know it's not as exciting for him as it was at the beginning, and that he wants to be home instead....and I am the first in line to stand up and say that he works his ASS off to provide for our family at a very demanding job. But I still get a little jealous....even though I shouldn't. I really don't think the "comparison" mentality is good for our relationship.

And did I mention lonely?

Ain't that the truth. In our situation, we are near no family, and just moved to a new town last year so don't know any friends here either. Even if I did know anyone, going out gets pricey when you're not only paying for your event/activity, but $10/hr for someone to watch your kids too.

And I know H can get lonely too....off in a hotel, usually in a country where he doesn't speak the language, working with different people nearly every assignment. It's tough either way you cut it, I guess.

You're not close enough to me for a play date, are you?


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 12th (Tuesday)

So I just left for a three day trip. The place I am going is bitter sweet. I is my favorite place that I go. I love the food there. I have friends and support there. But it is also the trip that I was on when the sexcapades from the last A happened. Tons of triggers. Not to mention a 5 hour drive alone with my head.

We had a good yesterday until the afternoon. Something I was joking around about turned serious. I started getting angry and withdrawing over something stupid. I ended up going to bed early alone.

This morning broevil came to me with unprovoked appologie and reassurance about the A and R. I appologised for letting my head ruin our evening. We talked about the stress of travel for both of us. We had a little alone time.
I was able to leave in a good space.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)

That is so wonderful she was able to give you reassurance before you left( and the alone time). It is usually irrational but I can feel so insecure before he travels(and things are going really good w/us) that extra reassurance is just what is needed.
Good job


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 596 | Registered: Oct 2011
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)

Well it sounds like you guys are again on the right path, Chico!

My Mr322 is currently away too until late tomorrow. He is in a town that is close to OW so I trigger big time...

Yesterday at IC my counselor pointed out that I was projecting some unresolved feelings regarding my past onto my WH. I think it is true. So, this trip I am trying to remind myself of this fact when I start to get anxiety.

Hope you'll get to be home for Vday Chico!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1413 | Registered: Jun 2012
What2Thnk
Member
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)

My WS travels for business frequently. The place he goes most often, I have never been asked to join him, but he asked OW #2 to come there to see him a very short time after getting back in touch with her because he couldn't wait until he got back home to see her. And he met OW #3 there, even though he knew after his first A that one of my biggest fears was that he'd start another A there and I'd have no way to detect it. (Guess I should have trusted my own instincts more.)

He talked and still talks often about being lonely and missing me while he's gone, and I used to dream about going there to surprise him, maybe bringing our DS with me, but now I just feel sad and angry and like this is one more dream his A's have ruined. I have told him that I never want to go there now, and as much as I want to reclaim my life, I don't think I'll ever change my mind about that.

I trigger every time he leaves, and am pretty much a wreck the whole time he's gone. I cry a lot, and go between wanting to demand that he find some other way to make a living, wanting to vent about the hell he's put me in, and just wanting to take everything and leave and let him come home to an empty house and no explanation. After all, I got no explanation that he was cheating (again) just a text message after OW#2's visit that things 'weren't working' for him. And probably would have gotten the same again after he'd met up with OW#3 on his next trip after meeting her.

I don't think he really knows how bad it is for me, but he knows it's not good and I don't think either one of us has a clue what to do about it. He tries to communicate more than he has in the past, but I don't know if it helps or not. I go back and forth about wanting to monitor his every move, and wanting to have nothing to do with him while he's gone and being angry that he calls.

The whole situation sucks.

[This message edited by What2Thnk at 4:40 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)]


Me (BS) 42
Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1
DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2
DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger
A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
Undone1
Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)

I am sooo sorry you are hurting! Traveling is a huge trigger since there is no trust. I am sure you are still reeling from finding out about OW#3.

It is so had when my husband goes away, but lately I have been telling myself that if he wants to have an affair, nothing is going to stop him. If there was a next time, he would be able to do a better job of covering it up, having learned from this one. I can't control him and at some point in time I have to realize that if he has another affair I am gone! Of course I don't trust him but I am already tired of being the probation officer. He is gone right now, and I am keeping my brain busy with plans.

I know that right now I am doing fine and in the next five minutes things might change. It's a tough road!

He has to show me with his actions that he deserves me.


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

I woke up lonely this morning. Not sad or anxious or angry, just lonely. I am taking that as a pretty good sign.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

My WH travels frequently. All his A's (except the last one) took place while he was travelling. He has been gone the past 3 days, due home tomorrow, but today I'm really struggling.

I just spent over a hour surfing craigslist in the city he's in looking for casual hookup ads that might be from him. He has never done that before (as far as I know) but what do I really know? Only what he has told me and we all know cheaters lie.

Sorry for the ramble I'm just in a bad place right now.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1099 | Registered: Jul 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

(((Dameia)))

Try not to torture yourself.
Can you call him? Or text him when he can call you?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

Dup post.

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 2:02 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)]


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1413 | Registered: Jun 2012
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

Hugs Dameia!

Do you talk while he is away? Even before the A's, having a traveling partner requires ALOT of trust. There is so much opportunity.

What things do you both have in place to make you feel more comfortable? It really is going to take both you to work through it together. Are you suffering alone because he doesn't know how you feel? If so, you need to tell him.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1413 | Registered: Jun 2012
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

Thanks for the support. We do talk, usually in the evening. He knows that his travel is hard for me, so he tries to be supportive. He will text me when he can, we usually video chat in the evening, and if I ask him to send me a picture of his surroundings he will, but today I'm just struggling and feeling paranoid.

We had a great two weeks leading up to this trip, so I'm trying not bring him down, especially since V-Day is tomorrow. Also I always worry about us getting in an argument and then he gets on a plane and it crashes, and then I would spend the rest of my life feeling guilty.

I think its just one of those irrational, feel crazy type of days.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1099 | Registered: Jul 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

Dameia
Ask for what you need. Every day is different. There are some days I am away that we barely talk. But on days when one of us is in a bad place. We chat almost constantly. Try not to let the irrational fears stop you from getting the support you need for the real fears.

I have been hung up today about vday. I will be getting home late tomorrow night. I feel like I need to do something extraordinary because I will be missing most of the day and if I don't make it grand she will cheat again.

I just told her how I was feeling an hour or so ago and she said all she wanted was for me to come home and snuggle.

Communication communication communication.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
Diva0702
Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

Great place to get it all out. I too have a husband who works away from home for half the year (3 months on 3 off). Ex serviceman and now merchant seaman.

Bloody hard going when life is so fragmented, and I HATE it! So much more diffricult to gain any ground in R this way!


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, February 14th (Thursday)

Can't sleep. Its 230 am. I'm having passing A thoughts. Not enough to drive myself crazy but just enough to keep me up. The drive home tomorrow is going to suck.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:55 AM, February 14th (Thursday)

Hope you got some sleep Chicho.

My WH travels internationally every month. He does not go to the country where ow is, but she is a short flight away.

Now I don't get as worried about the travel as I did before, but he broke no contact with a phone call on his first trip, and it really set me back.

I find sleep w hard thing when he is gone. I go to bed later and really burn self out.

We have frequent phone and email contact. And he gives me constant updates on his schedule. But if he wants to have contact with her or another affair, he will. I have to trust my resolve if confronted with this again, and have faith in the work he is doing on himself. It has gotten easier with time.

Take care if yourselves. Ask for what you need.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1477 | Registered: Dec 2011
Stillhurting1977
Member
Member # 37247
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, February 14th (Thursday)

Great thread! My WH is a pilot, so he spends a lot of time out of town. It makes it extremely hard to rebuild trust. Especially since my WH went out of town when OW was there a year after D Day. That was almost the end of our marriage, very close.
I get very anxious about a day before he leaves and it usually ends up with me crying. Wen he is away, I get very anxious when he doesn't text or call to say goodnight. I recently told him he needs to make sure to stay in frequent contact to avoid my anxiety from spiralling and to make me feel safe.
I wonder if it ever gets easier. I am 1 1/2 years out and still struggling a lot. Blah....


D day Sept 2011
D Day # 2 March 15, 2013 (he never stopped the first affair, it went underground)
Me BW 36
Him WH 37
One little guy: 26 months
Status: Seperated, Divorcing

" Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Ro


Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, February 21st (Thursday)

Arrrg...I am leaving again today til Saturday night. Then I will leave again Monday for a week.

We had a rough night a couple nights ago. There was a boundary issue and lies. We worked through it. But I am definitely not in a good place to be traveling. My suspicions and doubts are higher than they have been in months.

I have to remember that it doesn't matter whether I am home or away. Watching or not watching. If she is going to be faithful she is going to be faithful. If she's not there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I need to keep the focus on me and my healing.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, February 21st (Thursday)

Chico I'm so sorry to hear that you have to leave right now, when you seems to be struggling.

You are right...if it's going to happen again there is nothing you can do to stop it. Hopefully, you fWS will show you that she is completely trustworthy, and do whatever she can to ease your mind while traveling.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1099 | Registered: Jul 2012
WishingForLethe
Member
Member # 34805
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 21st (Thursday)

What a timely thread! My BS traveled almost full time for ten years of our marriage. After DDay, he stopped traveling almost entirely, which has been great.

He is still in limbo and having some rough days.

He just got a new contract which will require him to travel again. Not as much as before but fairly often and some international.

Part of me is panicking! I am worried we are going to lose some of this communication and closeness we are rebuilding. He is so busy when he is gone, it is not like we can stay in close contact. I am supporting whatever he needs for his work, and i think our communication skills are so much better not, but I am worried we will start that "developing separate lives" feeling again and he will decide there is no point in staying in the M. I know I can't control what he decides, but I think the daily interactions and closeness are so necessary. Ug- it would be hard for this to come at a worse time.


Don't look at how far you have to go, but how far you have come

Posts: 350 | Registered: Feb 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)

So im trying a new tactic.

I am on my way home. I have been away for a couple days. I will be home in 2 hours. In 2 hours I can get myself pretty excited to get home only to be disappointed by a less than stellar greeting or feeling like the excitement is not reciprocated.

So I just called home to find out exactly what I was going to be walking into, so I can set my e pectations accordingly. "How are you doing? How are you feeling? Are you exhausted? Are you tired? Are you cranky?

[This message edited by Chicho at 6:54 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
watchtheskyy
Member
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, February 24th (Sunday)

Great topic!

My WH works in ND and he's gone 3wks then home 1 wk. It's a tough schedule but I don't worry about him starting a new affair because we are still reeling from the old one and he works in the middle of nowhere on an oilrig. Like someone else said, I'm tired of being the "probabtion officer" and I hope he knows if he goes there, our marriage is over.

My issues have come with now that he's in a city he's been going to bars with "the guys" even though he knows I'm not okay with it (I was ok with it before DDay). It's been frustrating and a huge source of tension...but he just keeps doing it. Does anyone else have issues with their spouse kind of having a little too much fun while they're gone??

I'm a SAHM too...I have three kids and my oldest is three if that tells you anything. I basically avoid going out because of all the hassel, plus I have no babysitter or family to give me a break.


The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
watchtheskyy
Member
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, February 24th (Sunday)

Great topic!

My WH works in ND and he's gone 3wks then home 1 wk. It's a tough schedule but I don't worry about him starting a new affair because we are still reeling from the old one and he works in the middle of nowhere on an oilrig. Like someone else said, I'm tired of being the "probabtion officer" and I hope he knows if he goes there, our marriage is over.

My issues have come with now that he's in a city he's been going to bars with "the guys" even though he knows I'm not okay with it (I was ok with it before DDay). It's been frustrating and a huge source of tension...but he just keeps doing it. Does anyone else have issues with their spouse kind of having a little too much fun while they're gone??

I'm a SAHM too...I have three kids and my oldest is three if that tells you anything. I basically avoid going out because of all the hassel, plus I have no babysitter or family to give me a break.


The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
HormonalWoman
Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, February 24th (Sunday)

I seem to have found this thread at just the right time.

My husband is in the army and away a lot. When he's in the country it's not so bad as we can stay in touch more which helps a lot. He had his affair whilst on an exercise in Arizona(we're in the UK) thinking i would never find out . I told him if he ever went back to the US we were done.

I have a problem now though as his work now want him to go back and i have no idea how to deal with this?? He said he will refuse to go and get our welfare team to back him up but it just means he will end up with shit dumped on him in other ways no doubt which will no doubt have a detrimental affect on our family time together which feels scant as it is.

Part of me says i'm being daft as if he's going to cheat he'll do it regardless of whether he is in the country or out and regardless of whether he is in arizona back on her territory or not, plus i don't want to be seen to be backing down. The other part of me thinks i'm being perfectly reasonable in saying if he ever goes back that's it for me.

Any advice much appreciated.


Together 13 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 241 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
watchtheskyy
Member
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 24th (Sunday)

I have a problem now though as his work now want him to go back and i have no idea how to deal with this?? He said he will refuse to go and get our welfare team to back him up but it just means he will end up with shit dumped on him in other ways no doubt which will no doubt have a detrimental affect on our family time together which feels scant as it is

HW--I was in the military and I know what a pain in the butt it can be to get out of an assignment. It can bite you from all directions-I've seen it done. Either situation is going to leave you with less family time so why not let him do what's best for your marriage if he's willing?


The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
changedforlife
Member
Member # 38474
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, February 24th (Sunday)

I'm so glad I found this post.

brokensmile322 - I too feel the same as you do regarding WH's travel. Before I found out about the A, I was jealous of his travel while I had to stay at home and care for our preschooler.

Now I know that he chose his last business trip location so he could be close to the OW and it was there plus another business trip when he had his A.

We have been trying to R and had NC set up but I just found out that he broke NC. He had a business trip 2 weeks ago but it was nowhere in the area of the OW so I felt OK. We texted and talked
a lot and I thought there was still NC....NOPE! The first night he was gone, he contacted her.

We are still trying to R but it is tough. And he has another business trip scheduled in 3 weeks where he will be gone for a week. I honestly don't know how I am going to handle it. I tell myself the same as others do. If he wants to cheat, he will find a way no matter where he is and I cannot be his keeper. But I am already anxious.


Me - BS/Him - WH (in our 40's)
Together 21 years/ 1 preschooler
D-day - Jan 24/13 He confessed about affair.
Broken NC -Feb 7-22,Feb 28,March 6
Continued Contact up to July 16
D-DAY 2-July 19 FALSE R!

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 24th (Sunday)

Thank you for starting this thread. I hope that one of the Admins can add it into the I can relate section.

Almost all of WW LTA was about travel.

Early in the LTA rarely I would leave for work earlier than WW. I found out later these occasions were preplanned by WW and OM. He would be hiding in the neighborhood and would sneak in after I left and do the deed in our bed.

Then we moved several thousand miles away. WW would then travel back *home* to see *friends*. She would insist that I just drop her off at the departures stop at the airport. And she would go off to see OM. For one of the years of her LTA I remember her being gone about half the time. She would fly back and spend 2 weeks with *friends* then come back and be a holy terror around me for 2 weeks. Sometimes she would call about the time she was set to return and tell me that she was delaying her return. So sometimes she was gone longer than 2 weeks.

While she was gone she would not answer phone calls. I remember one time right as I got home from work my Son told me WW had called and I had just missed the call. I had not spoken to her for a week and was excited to do so. So I ran up stairs, lay down on the bed and called her. I was REALLY looking forward to hearing her voice and catching up with all that was going on for her out there. When she answered I got *oh. its you.* followed by one of the most hate filled barrages I have ever heard. She told me I was trying to *control* her and that I was a awful and horrible person.

Those were really terrible times.

And now WW frequently travels out to that same place. We have children that now live out there. And that is why she goes. We have allot of animals and so its hard but not impossible for us to travel together. But most of the time she goes on her own.

OM still lives out there. And the whole area is filled with triggers for me. I hate being out there. But we have kids so what can we do?

WW still goes out of communication sometimes and I go crazy. She always comes up with a reasonable explanation for these times. Still though its very hard.

What has helped.

I am a person that is very sensitive to patterns of behavior. So changing the pattern even a little helps.

I go with her into the airport now instead of dropping her off at the curb.

WW calls more frequently. Not frequently enough though.

WW posts pictures on FB or sends them to me on email.

We Skype in the evenings.

Again thanks for this thread.
R


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3351 | Registered: Sep 2007
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, February 24th (Sunday)

The new tactic worked
My Expectations were inline with what I came home to. It may have been the best return home yet.

I leave again tomorrow though and the anxiety is starting. I will actually be traveling with my boss this time so phone contact will be a little more limited. More chats and texts.

I use to love the travel. The excitement of new places. The wining and dining. Not so much any more. Usually its lonely being away from family. I would swap places and be the SAHD in a second if it was possible.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
HormonalWoman
Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, February 25th (Monday)

thanks watchthesky i think you are right and this is what he has chosen to do


Together 13 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 241 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
bridar
Member
Member # 34512
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, February 25th (Monday)

Oh wow, what a topic. It seems that far too many couples have to deal with this issue.

For our circumstances, he is military, and I am ex, so I understand way too much what happens.

He was moved back in July 2011, to another province. That was hard enough. Nov 2011, I started finding out about one of his A's. WH got himself moved back to our province in March 2012. Different city, but same province. We usually saw each weekend, and were working on things.
In the end, we were R'ing. Or so I thought, things were absolutely fantastic.

We were still unable to sell our house, (which was why I am still here) and he still has an apartment in his city. But again, we were together most weekends. Last fall, he was on a course, working out of our home for 3 months straight.
How blind I was.....

He came home for this past Christmas, had his mother, and her boyfriend, with our two kids. Again it was fantastic.

Well, Early Jan 2013, he left for a course in yet another province, which was part of the course he was working out of our home for. He should be gone until end March.
Well, 19 Jan 2013, that was when he dropped the bomb. While he is still away, and again, I won't see him until end March..Good points and bad points.

Problem is, the last OW is in the city where he normally resides at.

Yup, things still up i the air...limboland


Me:41
WS:43
Married 19 yrs, together 22
2 kids 21/19
Feels like I am in Hell

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Canada
CML7
Member
Member # 37636
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, February 25th (Monday)

MCF

I completely feel you on the problem that the travel is hurting a R

It seems like me and WSO are either fighting in person or on the phone. Either sucks.

The past weeks we had a great phone conversation Thursday, then Friday he lost his mind and told me he did not want to see me, spent a week arguing when he was here and when he went back to work. Then Friday I decided there was no reason to see him for our date night. He begged me, we got into an argument on the way there, argued the whole time till like midnight.

Next day he was better, but then his Aunt Died (which I did not handle well because of another issue). He left here and decided to never speak to me again, then he called when he got to his place to apologize (me too, cause really I should have been nicer about his Aunt).

Then yesterday was a great day, because we agreed to drop the issues for the night. But this morning I stared getting triggered again, and feel like when we all there will be an argument. Cause we never came to a resolution in he issue, and the whole unresolved issues crap gets to me.


BS: 35
WBF: 28
Dday #1 11/25/2012 PA
Dday #2 02/02/2013 Dinner date with someone he met online.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Virginia
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, February 25th (Monday)

My WH is currently away on business.

Here is my guilty truth.

I am glad.

We have been in a difficult spot lately. I am triggering badly as I am in the throes of anti-versary season right now.

I also do not feel he is 100% remorseful. I mean he is doing what he should be but his attitude is not what it should be. He is annoyed by my triggers.

Therefore, I am glad he is gone. I am not even triggering while he is away. I don't care. I needed the break actually, a mental break.

I have an IC tomorrow. I need to ask her if this is normal, if I am normal.

Just a different thought to this topic. I usually am posting that I am struggling with it. :-)


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1413 | Registered: Jun 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, February 28th (Thursday)

I'm on my way home. I am going to be there about 4 hours earlier than I am expected. I still had an urge not to say anything and just show up to see if anything was going on.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
MFC2011
Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, February 28th (Thursday)

My issues have come with now that he's in a city he's been going to bars with "the guys" even though he knows I'm not okay with it (I was ok with it before DDay). It's been frustrating and a huge source of tension...but he just keeps doing it. Does anyone else have issues with their spouse kind of having a little too much fun while they're gone??

My H has waaaaaaaay too much "fun" while he's gone. Because the job is physical and involves a lot of travel, he's also generally surrounded by co-workers who are male, young, and single. So it seems as though he feels he has to "keep up with the Joneses".....if they go out drinking and carousing, he seems to feel it's expected/acceptable for him to do the same, even though HE is mid-30s and married with 3 kids.

I was also okay with it before D-day. I actually ENCOURAGED it, because he and I are both very shy people and really don't have any friends....I was so happy to see that he was socializing and meeting people, that I was truly happy to let him go out with "the guys" while I was home with the kids.

Now I just feel like an idiot.

And he has continued to go out over the past year, and continued to get too drunk, and didn't feel the need to curtail any of this behavior until he got drunk and was robbed while overseas this January. NOW he swears he's not going to go out anymore. We'll see. He just left today for a week and a half on assignment in a warm sunny beach town which, pre-A, was a place where he had quite a bit of "fun"....so I'm going to wait and see what he does.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, February 28th (Thursday)

I encouraged it too. She is a SAHM and I am gone a lot. I encouraged her to find new friends. Their first date was taking our son to the park.

I don't feel like an idiot though. I was encouraging something healthy. She took it someplace else


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
cheerless
Member
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, February 28th (Thursday)

Travel is a huge trigger for me.
My WH always complained how boring and unenjoyable it was. To make him feel great I'd wait up for him after his late flight home, save some dinner and have fresh sheets on the bed every time. Come to find out he was having sex in company-paid-for hotels followed by company-reimbursed dinner with his MOW on all his out-of-town visits. And then coming home to me where I would launder the clothes their DNA was all over. He even had dinner with her at a restaurant and took me and the kids to the same place a couple weeks later on our family vacation. I know that sounds trivial but every little bit of deception is like another dagger to my shattered heart.


♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad


Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
watchtheskyy
Member
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, February 28th (Thursday)

MCF, same here again. WH just turned 30 and he's with guys that are anywhere between 21 and late 30's. He keeps telling me it could be worse, that these guys go out every night so he could be doing that too (Wow, thanks for being so considerate there, hubby). I also encouraged it pre-dday because I don't think you should neccessarily get lost in your marriage. I wanted him to have his guy time even though I preferred being home around him.

Funny thing is this weekend WH got pretty banged up too Someone broke a stick on something and a piece got WH upside the head and gave him a pretty good cut...he felt pretty stupid the next day

I'm a SAHM with 3 little ones so I think I'm going to use a little more ME time when he is home. I want us to get back to that relationship where things are a little more fun again and if they are going to take advantage of it, we might as well too!

ETA: I don't find my fun acting stupid at bars but if he stresses me out while he makes that money, I might as well worry him a little at the mall

[This message edited by watchtheskyy at 3:52 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]


The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, February 28th (Thursday)

MFC & watchthesky

Have you discussed How going out with the guys makes you uncomfortable, with your H?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
MFC2011
Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, March 1st (Friday)

Have you discussed How going out with the guys makes you uncomfortable, with your H?

Repeatedly. However, I then cause my own problems by backtracking, because I feel guilty about not "letting" him go out. I was never THAT wife, the one who made her H stay home, who tracked him down at the bar and dragged him out the door, who called 50 times a night to check up on where he was. I never WANTED to be THAT wife. Plus, he's traveling probably 75% of the time, and he doesn't get to pick who he's with. I don't want him to be a recluse and shun all human contact just because of what random guys got assigned to the trip with him. And so I feel guilty when I express how uncomfortable I am with his behavior.

I much preferred being the cool wife.....the one who didn't mind her H going out, who KNEW it was alright because he would NEVER cheat on me.

Plus, if I am being honest, I have a fear that if I force him to choose between me and going out.....I will be left in the dust.

We recently had a conversation about strip clubs. Pre-A, no problem. Felt it was just one of those "guy things", harmless as long as it remained "look but don't touch", and I even went with him once. Post-A? Huge problem. I no longer wish to condone my H finding enjoyment/stress-release with other women in a sexualized, alcohol-fueled environment, chock full of women who have a financial stake in revving up my H's sexual thoughts/feelings.

But in the not-too-distant future, he will be headed to a location with a lot of strip clubs, and will be with an older co-worker who expects him (based on previous trips) to accompany him to these places. Now....I trust and respect this co-worker (on an acquaintance level, not a close friend level), and really do feel that for him it IS just one of those "guy things". I also don't think my H would do anything TOTALLY inappropriate in front of this man, because he looks up to him. But this guy doesn't know what's going on in our marriage, and that I am no longer the "cool wife" that I used to be. So he will still be expecting H to go out with him.

And I don't want him in those places.

But he is dragging his feet, because he doesn't want to tell co-worker that he won't be participating, or why. And I do feel for him....it's an awkward conversation whether or not the A is disclosed. And we have chosen NOT to disclose it. But on the other hand.....screw it, H is the one that put us in this position in the first place, he needs to put MY needs and expectations before those of a co-worker.

We didn't finish the conversation, and the trip is still in the future, so I'm left kind of "wallowing" in the fear/expectation that he will ultimately ignore my request and end up going out to a strip club. It makes me feel very unimportant.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
MFC2011
Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, March 1st (Friday)

And then coming home to me where I would launder the clothes their DNA was all over.

We burned every shirt I thought he had worn during the A trip. Big ol' bonfire in the backyard.

I know it wasn't all of them, and the pants he wore with the OW are all still here, but I guess as a symbolic action it was helpful.

I hated the thought of washing and folding clothes that had been crumpled on the floor of someone else's bedroom.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
MFC2011
Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, March 1st (Friday)

I don't feel like an idiot though. I was encouraging something healthy. She took it someplace else

I hope I can get to this point someday. I just can't get past all the times I told him to go ahead and go out, not only before the A's but during them as well.

Turns out the pre-A outings were pretty much practice. Mostly just hanging out with the guys, but lots of drinking and some flirting.

Then he went to the A location, with one of the LEAST respectable co-workers he has, and the floodgates just broke open.

Meanwhile, I'm talking to him on the phone, telling him it's GREAT that he's finally enjoying going to clubs, meeting people and hanging out at their houses, etc. He told me he was going to another city to sightsee, but when he got there he didn't really want to go out by himself so he just stayed in the hotel....turned out that last part was true, but the only "sight" he'd been hoping to see in that city was OW#2's naked body. But she gave him the cold shoulder, so he called home and complained to me about being lonely, and let me feel SORRY for him.

And even after D-day #1. He went back to the A location a week after D-day #1, and took the A underground. I felt so guilty about being "controlling" that I actually said it was OKAY with me if he went out sometimes!

I do feel like an idiot. A spineless idiot

And it hurts that it wasn't his boundaries that finally brought him to the point where he says he won't go out drinking and carousing anymore....and it wasn't my requests/demands.....it was having his stupid f-ing PHONE stolen that apparently gave him a "wake up call".

I'm really watching the GPS closely to see where he ends up on his current trip. Yesterday was day 1 and he told me the truth....they went to dinner, then Walmart, then back to the hotel.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
MFC2011
Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, March 1st (Friday)

WH just turned 30 and he's with guys that are anywhere between 21 and late 30's. He keeps telling me it could be worse, that these guys go out every night so he could be doing that too (Wow, thanks for being so considerate there, hubby).

My H was the one going out every night. Ugh.


ETA: I don't find my fun acting stupid at bars but if he stresses me out while he makes that money, I might as well worry him a little at the mall

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMOKlXfXn50


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, March 2nd (Saturday)

I work in a very male dominated field. There is a ton of drinking, partying, and womanizing. In January we were at a meeting in the Dominican Republic. Of the 14 of us that were there 5 were actively cheating. Being around it can't be avoided.

BUT...I don't drink, I don't flirt, I don't cheat. I am never the first one to call it a night but I am always the second one. I put the minimum amount of time into that lifestyle that I have to.

Aside from a little bit of teasing, I have been told I am "the most respected person in the company." I am regularly referred to as "a family man". Not being one of the guys has earned me not only their respect but also a 50% increase in my compensation this year.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
MFC2011
Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, March 4th (Monday)

Chicho - wish I could get my H to understand that getting drunk off his ASS in front of co-workers, etc. is hardly the way to earn respect. I don't know how to get that point through his head, though.

Last night he was out to dinner/drinks with the guys, and left after 4 beers, which I am actually quite pleased with (4 beers over 3-4 hours, I'm okay with that). He was the first one to go back to the hotel. I hope he keeps it up.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)

So it was not a good night nor a good morning for my WH and I

His flight takes off in 10 minutes.

Today, I left before him without a goodbye. The first time I have EVER done that since dating. We always say we love each other before in case plane crashes.

He just totally disrespected me last night and its possible he is lying about his activities at the end of the trip. (What our fight was about.)

He apologized this AM for being disrespectful, but I am sick of this merry go round. He did not apologize for the questionable plans later in the trip.

It's not gonna be a good end of the week.

I should say that I left early this AM to run errands. I did so because our usual would be to just kiss, hug and say to have safe travels. But it is rugsweeping, IMHO, his bad behavior. I am done. The leaving on my part was a sort of 180.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1413 | Registered: Jun 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)

(((Brokensmile322)))

I sorry his trip had to start off that way for you. I hope he gets his head out of his ass and is honest about his plans. I am proud of you not giving in to the "just in case" embrace. I haven't been in that position in quite a while but when I was I always caved.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)

This is a huge issue for us as WS is away from home at least 18 days a month.

I haven't read all the posts yet, but I just wanted to drop in and say hi.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
1Emptyglass
New Member
Member # 37548
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)

Just my two cents on the subject of "guy time" when traveling. My FWH & I discussed this at great length after Dday. I said if he wanted the "single" lifestyle of drinking to excess and chasing after women he could have all that, but he couldn't also have me. I didn't want him to HAVE to change anything he didn't want to, but there are choices you make in life and there are consequences for those choices. I didn't want him to feel like he had to have permission, but out of respect we always tell each other when we have plans with friend such as lunch out or golf or whatever.
These same boundaries apply to me also. He wouldn't like it if I went to bars out drinking with the girls and getting hit on by strange men, so why would he do it right?
We talk often and that's the only thing that keeps me sane in this crazy long-distance marriage. So far the good still outweighs the bad. But the bad stuff still sucks.


Me-BW 44
Him WH 44
OW single 54 co-worker
Married 21 years at d-day
kids: DD21 DS 17

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: CA
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)

Chico,
Your post brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for the support!

This is a great thread!

I don't know what to think and so I am not going to. You know, at almost a year out. I am finally at a place where I am starting to realize I can't control my WH. If he wants to cheat, he will.

I'm taking a sleep aid and calling it a night!

Thanks all!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1413 | Registered: Jun 2012
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)

My husband is gone 4 days this week and will be gone 3 days next week(2 years from dday is next week)and I'm feeling very anxious, again He said some wonderful things to me Sunday night and Monday morning had wonderful "us" time but I still have anxiety that comes out of nowhere when he is gone. I do have to say it is better than a year ago.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 596 | Registered: Oct 2011
MFC2011
Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)

(((forgivingnow)))

Definitely hard being apart over a day that has significance, whether a good one like a holiday, or a bad one like an antiversary.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
1Emptyglass
New Member
Member # 37548
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)

8 days into an 18 day stretch apart. We try not to have to go more than 12-14 days. This is the beginning of affair season and the OW sent him a fishing text the night after he left here last week. Of course he let me know right away and did not respond, but it's been a roller coaster week anyway.


Me-BW 44
Him WH 44
OW single 54 co-worker
Married 21 years at d-day
kids: DD21 DS 17

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: CA
changedforlife
Member
Member # 38474
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, March 17th (Sunday)

My WH left early this morning for a week long business trip. His PA took place while on business trips and on his last business trip he broke NC. So this is going to be a hard week for me.

I've told him that I need to have lots of contact via text, phone, skype, etc. but on his last trip when he broke NC we were doing that then, too. I had no idea that he was still in contact with her at that time.

Plus, she knows that he is traveling this week and I found out that she will also be "heading somewhere warm and sunny" this week. I don't think in the same area but what do I know? Even if she isn't in the same area, she could try to initiate contact knowing I am nowhere near.

I scheduled an IC session for this week knowing it would be a hard week. I'm not sure my IC is really working for me though. It is good to talk about it but that is all that it is, me talking. I haven't been going for long but I hate the thought of going through the whole thing again with a new IC though.

So, my plan is to try to keep busy this week as much as possible. I have a spare room (junk room) that really needs to be cleaned out. That should pass some time and keep my mind from wandering too much. I hope.


Me - BS/Him - WH (in our 40's)
Together 21 years/ 1 preschooler
D-day - Jan 24/13 He confessed about affair.
Broken NC -Feb 7-22,Feb 28,March 6
Continued Contact up to July 16
D-DAY 2-July 19 FALSE R!

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013
LonelyHusband
Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, March 17th (Sunday)

67 days done. 7 to go. This is my macbook desktop...

I'll write a lot more about this when I get back, but in the meantime...

--communicate. every day. without fail
--run your life as if your spouse is in the room with you. not a bad rule for life in general tbh
--look for opportunities to share interesting things that happen
--recognise it's scary.
--do what you can to ease fear and worry, even if it means being on the phone all night
--drop everything else immediately if your spouse is frightened. No excuses from either side.
--become each other's best friend - send a thousand stupid texts rather than 1 big one a day.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 4:48 PM, March 17th (Sunday)]


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, March 17th (Sunday)

Almost there LH!!

Luckily my next business trip I get to take TG with me!! AWESOME


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 878 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
1Emptyglass
New Member
Member # 37548
Angry  Posted: 5:42 PM, March 17th (Sunday)

Another suspected fishing attempt from the OW. Work upgraded their email about a month ago and in the process all previously blocked mail became unblocked. The mail was something forwarded to FWH and two others urging them to vote for some chef for a contest. It was random and if it had been sent to many emails I might have thought it was spammed from her email. I think she is just letting him know she is still there. (she sent him a text 12 days ago). After 18 months since it was over when will she get a clue IT IS OVER? I told him it meant a lot to me that he told me immediately and showed me the email, but it still sucks to have her stalking him. He is home in 5 more days!!


Me-BW 44
Him WH 44
OW single 54 co-worker
Married 21 years at d-day
kids: DD21 DS 17

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: CA
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)

Bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
hurting7897
Member
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, March 28th (Thursday)

I am so happy to have found this thread!!!! Most of my fwh's A's occurred on business trips as well and like many BS we depend on his income so him quitting hasn't been a viable option.

I was impressed when my H asked for a different position (after d-day#3) within his company that would require less travel and he was granted the position. He was home for about 6 months at first and we were able to talk for hours every evening and our R really accelerated. Now he's having to travel more in this new position which we knew was coming but yeah, like many other BS's, he has to go to one ofnthe places he had his A on a regular basis and it is very hard on both of us.

I also start to get anxiety a few days before. I have gotten better, but sometimes I find myself spending hours going through his home office and the boxes in our basement looking for more evidence. I become a raging, out-of-control lunatic and I will usually find something to (temporarily) hang him with--a flight receipt, a restaurant receipt I deem too expensive for what he claims, you name it. I get all worked up and put him through hell and he's often 2000 miles away, in meetings and can't defend himself or deal with me.

We have been working in MC how to deal with the triggers of his travel but this thread helps me more! Hearing everyone's similar struggles.

Knowing now that he lied to my face so many times, even lied in texts about where he was and who he was with, to the ultimate betrayal of coming home to me like he was Mr. Faithful while I was home taking care of our two small kids is like a knife in the gut.

Thank you for starting this thread! Hugs to all of us struggling with this issue!


Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2014-Forgave him! Life is sweet!

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: united states
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

How does OW know your husband will be traveling this week?


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6112 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

It is nice to see this back on the first page. I was going to start a thread this morning but I will put it here instead.


I have been away from home for a couple days. I woke up this morning from an A nightmare. It felt so hopeless, alone, with no one to talk to. I could have called but my fws was just about to get the kids up and start the morning routine.

I sent a text just saying nightmares. I got a couple nice ones back. That should hold me over until we can talk in an hour or so.

Thanks for keeping this thread alive.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

My husband is traveling this week & I had bad dreams Sunday morning that he was cheating again. When I'm awake my gut says he is not and truly our relationship is in a wonderful & passionate place. I told my husband I was having bad dreams & he knows what that means...I asked him if he thought dreams meant anything & he said, no, but sometimes it tells you of something you may be afraid of.
Yes, for me, travel is still a trigger. He is doing everything right: calls me, emails, texts, told me how fortunate & grateful he is for me but it is still hard.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 596 | Registered: Oct 2011
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

It has been a while since I posted on this thread. My travel has been a lot lighter the last couple months. We had a good routine going for my trips. Lot of text and chat messages, video chats in the morning and at night, calls whenever possible, pictures of places and thing they were doing.

All of my trips had kind of a security blanket. Almost every night away was planned with DD12 being home. It was highly unlikely that men would be invited to the house if she was home. I know, if a cheater us going to cheat, they will find a way. But it gave me a little sense of comfort.

I am leaving Saturday for a work trip to las Vegas. DD12 is away at camp. I wouldn't call what I'm feeling anxiety just an uneasiness. Thoughts of high school waiting for parents to go away to through wild parties. I am not the parent of my fWS and I try not to be. I hope she doesn't see me as such and have the urge to rebel.

I know that the point where bad things happen is when obsession and opportunity meet. I don't sense any obsession at all, no distancing, no distraction, which makes me mostly at ease. But just that little bit of increased opportunity is toying with my mind.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

Chico, sorry that is messing with you. I imagine you have a communication routine for when you are traveling? Have you and the wife talked about what she is going to do while your away?

I think those are the 2 biggest things we do is 1. Have a routine and expectation on communication and 2. We let each other know what we are going to be doing. I am sure you already have this down as the OP, but thought I'd throw that out.

About 2 more weeks and no more travel for me, new job and town for TG and I. I have only had a travel job for 2 years and honestly I don't know how ya'll regular travelers do it long term. I love flying and travel, but will be glad to get out of sales and back to a routine I feel more comfortable with.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 878 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

I've sensed some discomfort in your recent posts- it seems true that year 2 sucks. I'm not looking forward to it.

Here's the thing I decided in my case. At some point we can't parent them, be the policeman. You acknowledge this. I made the announcement to WH this week that I could no longer be the "bad guy" and try to control any waywardness in him. It is too exhausting and was distracting me from moving forward with my own healing. It's time for him to firmly hold to his boundaries as an adult husband and worthy partner should. It's up to him. He can continue to practice what he has learned without a leash. In doing that, both he and I can move to an adult-adult relationship. He craves this, as do I.

You love your wife, that is clear. Maybe this separation is an opportunity for her to show you for sure she is truly fWW and that she is the partner you deserve.
Skype, text frequently, call each other, comfort each other. Whatever you need. Maybe this is a steppingstone to a better place.

Wishing you a peaceful heart.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

Chico,

I can relate to your post in the sense that I have had a few of my own 'security blankets' in place during travel the past year.

The past few trips, the band aid was ripped off, so to speak, and I was left dealing with no more security blanket in place.

It was hard, but you know what? I ended up coming to the conclusion that So Very Sad came to as well. I can't control my WH. It was actually a very freeing thing. It came right in the middle of WH's trip, when I was still trying to control, and I finally just stopped and said to myself that I could not care anymore. It was making me a mess. I thought about myself. I realized that I am stronger today than I was back on dday or even when the A was happening. I am a different person now. I know I will never go through this again. I don't want to live scared anymore. I put it back on my WH. I put the responsibility back on WH. His fidelity is his issue and I can't control what he does. I will be ok if he messes up again, but I won't be with him.

I think my WH senses my shift in thinking. I haven't verbalized it. I think it scares him actually. I think he is sensing my independence. I feel great.

Maybe this trip is where your band aid will be ripped off. It really feels so great. The heavy burden is no longer on me.

I hope this will be the same for you. We are here for you. I have no doubt that you and broevil will do great during this time!!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1413 | Registered: Jun 2012
Alex CR
Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

My H travels a lot and during the A with OW, added weekends to his trips telling me and the kids he had to work but he wasn't.

The first year after Dday he hardly traveled at all and if he did I went with him. I continued to travel with him during the second year but started to be less anxious as he has shown to be remorseful and transparent.

Almost four years out and I am relaxed when he travels now and even more important, he works hard to arrange his schedules so he is home as much as possible. During the A, he was never around.

I still travel with him when he goes to OW's country but it's become a chance to sightsee and do things together when he's not at work. Now we stay over weekends enjoying the hotel ...

Almost four years out since Dday and the anxiety and worry about travel is pretty much gone and new habits we've developed - texting, SKYPING, emailing schedules, etc. - have really helped. Pre A, two or three days would go by and we wouldn't communicate because H was in a different time zone and I was busy working. Now we talk every morning and every night, at minimum.

Traveling adds a whole different stress to infidelity, but as SoVerySadNow wrote:

It is too exhausting and was distracting me from moving forward with my own healing. It's time for him to firmly hold to his boundaries as an adult husband and worthy partner should. It's up to him.

There came a point when I decided I can live with or without my H and he needs to do the work to keep me here. It is exhausting to be on 'high alert' all the time and that is not the way I choose to live. If my H decides to cheat again, I know I'd eventually find out and I'd be just fine, on my own.

Each year has gotten better for me as I've grown and changed. Time....there's that word again......



BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1634 | Registered: Mar 2010
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Ouch ouch ouch. My WH has alway traveled for work and one of the reasons he got on AFF was to find women in other cities. When I found this out I literally had to leave work and cry in bed all day. He will always have work travel because of his profession. I do not know how to deal with this.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2013
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

(((Tripletrouble)))

It does get easier with time and watching the growth in your WS. It is not debilitating like it once was. At 19 months out it is like a minor trigger now.

There are a lot of great suggestions throughout this thread to help ease you mind while he is away. Don't be afraid to ask him for what you need. He should be willing to do whatever it takes. 


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

bump

For Tripletrouble.


Posts: 6145 | Registered: Dec 2010
ArableSands
Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

My wife and kids are travelling to Connecticut to visit my wife's family for a week, Aug 11 to 17. I'm on the West Coast. It has been not quite 4 weeks since DDay. I am terrified of that week approaching, and coming home from work to an empty house.

While my wife is showing some remorse, or perhaps it's just guilt, she also has anger mixed in and I am concerned she will have her head filled up by her confidante, a cousin's wife, who was highly recommending separation because it worked for HER marriage, even though her marriage had no cheating in it. Doing this is not what our MC or my IC wants to see...they want us to give MC a try first, for the first 3-6 months. I guess we'll see what happens.

What do I do during that week of empty nights? I have no family here that can help. My Mum is very elderly and has dementia. I'll miss my kids terribly. My best friends are in Atlanta and Corpus Christi. The one person I have I could go to here isn't around during that week. While SI is wonderful, it doesn't substitute for a close friend who can give me a hug while I'm in pain.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

fWH is away for work. His A took place a year ago on a work trip. I don''t like one of the women he''s working with, she doesn''t display good boundaries. fWH says that his are good and he seems to regret his A tremendously...

It is definitely hard. Been triggering since he left. Not sleeping well. We email, text, Facetime, call... But, honestly? I am not that reassured... I''m in a paranoid/suspicious phase. The same things that used to reassure me don''t quite cut it right now. Even the conversations we had before he left, he was reassuring, seems quite aware of his behaviour and attitudes, but there''s part of my brain that can twist anything he says right now, and our efforts just get flushed down the toilet.

This cynicism, paranoia is counter-productive, but I can''t help it right now. It''s where I''m at, and what I try to do is stay neutral instead of getting all uptight about my lack of trust/suspicions right now.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

I thimk this is one of the hardest ways of living for even couples that A hasn't infected their lives. I know for my BS working away is a killer the drive away and the drive home. For me the world stops. Not being able to hear his voice, as we all know skype kinda sucks , or feel his arms. Not being able to talk about anything that might rock the boat whether he's hear or at work makes things stilted. The knowing that he is wondering all the time what I am doing and me trying to make sure I don't detuer to a different store. Allways just plain missing him makes the time hard. By the time he gets back home he is so stressed and if we are lucky he gets 24 to maybe 48 hours to normalize before he is off again. If anything is going to make this R not work it will be the added stress of the job he has. As a WS I struggle with the saddness and the knowledge of what he is going through. I take pictures of the things the kids and I are doing I send update text about but where Im going what I am doing. And just little text on how I feel about him. I can only hope that can help someday.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 386 | Registered: Apr 2013
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

So glad to find this thread. WH travels a lot off and on. . .although his affair did not take place on a trip, the emailing to the AP did, and the affair ironically happened during a period where he was gone nearly half the time.

Just found out last night that we are in for a period of hightenend travel again. It is hard. He had one trip since DD which went ok, but I was still in shock. I wish there were another option work-wise, for sure.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1739 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

I take pictures of the things the kids and I are doing I send update text about but where Im going what I am doing. And just little text on how I feel about him

Joanh- Those are great things to do. I am a BS who travels. I love getting the updates of what is going on at home. The driving is the worst part, to much alone thinking time makes me crazy. I have found listening to spoken word such as motivational speakers or books on tape keeps my mind more engaged that music with less time to wander.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

WHY???? Why is it still so hard to leave? WHY???

I just left for a three day trip. I was supposed to leave at 9. I finally forced myself out of the house at noon. I was up at 5:30, unable to sleep. My stomach is in knots. My jaw hurts from clenching my teeth. and my eyes keep welling up.

It just doesn't make sense. There hasn't been anything even close to a red flag in months. I am 99% confident nothing is going to happen while I'm away. We have an amazing routine to help me feel safe.

Its not logical and it makes me feel crazy. Like padded room crazy.

ETA: this is like my 50th trip since DDay. Its nothing new!!!!

[This message edited by Chicho at 12:01 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
scarredforever
Member
Member # 23875
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Sorry Chicho. Deep breaths. You will be okay.


"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."

Mark Twain

Me-BS 52
Him-WS 53
Together 33 years

6-5-06 Day of Reckoning

"The acquired inability to escape"


Posts: 1055 | Registered: May 2009 | From: swfl
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

(((Chico)))


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1413 | Registered: Jun 2012
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I understand. It's traumatic, simple as that. WH is taking many trips this fall, just came home from two weeks abroad, and it makes me sweat just thinking about it.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2013
gettingthere2013
Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

fWH is currently on a business trip in the city where he had his A(several hundred miles away from home). OW still lives there. Huge triggers there,and it's been bad for me for the last several days. We went to MC yesterday and it was helpful...at least I thought it was til now. fWH left me a beautiful love note,hid a piece of jewelry for me to find,is keeping me updated on where he is and what he's doing. Displacement maybe,because he just texted me that his dad wants to go to our daughter's game on Monday,and I wigged out on him and told him to just leave me alone,I'll talk to him in the morning. Sometime,I hate the hamster wheel of thoughts.


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Heading for S.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Finally10 is currently away on business. We talked through some things before he left, and he's been in good contact.
I still get triggery since that was his ONS situ- away on business.
Ugh.
I've kept very busy but have still had a few meltdowns. Doubts and fears rampage through my head. I don't see this changing.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Lostinthismess
Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Ditto. He's gone in his 3rd trip since dday. Affair happened while on a trip. The whole thing is a trigger. Taking care of the kids and house while he's gone, cause that's what I was doing while he was having sex with someone else. The hotel room, the calls, the texts. All of it is just too much.


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

What makes it even crazier is that by 3pm I was fine. Anxiety gone. Thoughts gone. Completely relaxed and in the groove of work. If I follow the same pattern of previous trips I should be fine the rest of the trip until I get about 10 miles from home and it will start again.

ETA: It does get a little easier each trip. I guess just not as fast as I want it to.

[This message edited by Chicho at 10:46 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

It does get a little easier each trip

This is good to hear. Thanks, Chico.
And I hope the return evolves to be only happy anticipation.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, September 13th (Friday)

This one Brokensmile322?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, September 13th (Friday)

Yep! Thanks for bumping!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1413 | Registered: Jun 2012
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, September 13th (Friday)

Thanks for bumping this thread, it's exactly what I needed today. (I posted in R this morning with "R with a wayward who travels") I knew there we a bunch of us, but didn't realize there were THIS many.

WH works nights so one of us is always at work. Communication is sporadic - quick calls and texts. Skype isn't possible unless it's at 2 or 3 am and that doesn't make for very productive conversations.

He gets home tonight so there will be a respite to the chaos in my head, but in another week it will be back with a vengeace.

I need off this roller coaster, I feel like I'm losing my mind.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 275 | Registered: Sep 2013
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, September 13th (Friday)

Thank you for bumping this thread. Last night, my H was away for business for the first time since D-Day. The night before we left, I was triggering because in addition to it being the first trip, OW had travelled with him on two previous trips. I had never travelled with H on a business trip as we have four children. One of the most hurtful things for me was realizing that she was his first business trip companion.

In any event, H has tried to alleviate my mistrust. He sent me a video of the penthouse suite he was upgraded to, pictures of his dinner and restaurant, texted and we spoke on the phone last night and this morning. I have copies of his hotel registration and flight number. There are no red flags. But I still have lingering doubts.

After all of this, here is my question. Should I take the kids and meet him at the airport? Or should I stick with my original plan to take the kids to our club pool after school and have H meet us there for dinner? If I show up at the airport, will it be a step backwards because I am giving in to my fears? Or would it be better to stay relaxed and focused on my kids and gauge H's reaction when he arrives at the club and talk afterwards?


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 349 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
beebee
New Member
Member # 40632
DOH!  Posted: 12:49 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

I'm trying to cope with my husband's first trip since D-Day. His affair started when he felt free to text the OW late at night when he was out of town. Over the course of a few trips the texts increased; later came phone calls, some that lasted an hour or so - she's local, so the PA started when he was home, but the trips enabled things to get "revved up."

As he got ready to leave today, I was triggering: I even got tearful. I asked for a promise not to text any women other than me, a promise which he gave with a big hug.

He texted me often today, and called a few times too. But he texted me about that same frequency when he traveled before - his phone records showed that on some days, he texted her 10 times more than he texted me. (I'm sure it was sexting.) So I wasn't all that comforted by the texts. The phone calls did help, though.

It's not that I don't think he'll "behave" on this trip - I know the affair is over, and I truly doubt he'll use this occasion to start another one. It's just bringing back the bad memories of what I THOUGHT was going on the last time he went on a trip, and what was REALLY going on.


me: bs
him: ws
affair was short but the hurt goes on
reconciliation: mc is helping

Posts: 9 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

So things have been SO great between us, I mean wonderful. But the travel is still such a trigger, even when I think I am prepared for it. I took him to the airport this morning, was very happy and once i got home and hadn't heard from him I was overwhelmed with anxiety, sadness, chest pain. I was crying.....texted him, called, please keep in contact with me, which he usually does. He did, he had just got thru security. I HATE this. The travel is a *****trigger for me and makes me crazy. I hate my reactions. I have reached a point where I am so strong and then this happens. I hate this.

Meplusfour-I think when you come home from travel it is wonderful to have someone there waiting for you at the airport. When you can meet your husband at the airport


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 596 | Registered: Oct 2011
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

The travel has been the longest running and most intense trigger I have. It is discouraging. It has gotten a lot better though. I am 22 months from Dday and well over 50 trips in that time.

The two days before and the day I leave are the worst. Sometimes the anxiety builds without me even noticing why. It helps to remember what is happening and know that it is only temporary.

Don't be afraid to ask for the help you need. If texts aren't doing it, ask for more calls or pictures or whatever.

Lately broevil has been sending me silly pictures of the kids. Just out of the blue. It helps me to feel a part of while I am apart from.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
gettingthere2013
Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Husband is traveling this week,will be back tomorrow afternoon. No triggers,other than happy ones...he left me the tshirt he was wearing to sleep in and flowers on our table. Well crap,make that one trigger,and I think I'm handling it okay. Maybe. H just called,he was running late because he overslept. I do not think he's cheating,but when he said that,it was like BAM! Right back to when he would use that as an excuse for not having called me at night or in the morning...the old "I was sleeping" excuse. Ouch. Progress,though,because I'm simply moving on with my day-the brownies I have baking in the over right now help


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Heading for S.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

My BH is coming home today. So I know allready as he will be driving his anxiety is building an so is my saddness. And anxiety. We both want to be happy again. Which is fabulous especially since I am the one that has caused his pain. It's great cause we both want it and we want it together. This job though adds. It's been a tough 9 days. He worked nights so we got about an hour a day to skype and I was ableto text a little in the evenings. I hit a really low spot on Saturday Just missing him and knowing that my affair started around this time last year  the PA And just feeling the pain he must feel . I know at this point I can't 100% understand cause I'm not him I do think I can see it and I can feel my understanding. And when he's not here. I know when he left this time it was very hard on both of us. And like you chicho


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 386 | Registered: Apr 2013
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Stupid I phone. Like you chicho my BH starts to build 2 days before he leaves. Then it takes about 24 hours once he's home to breath again. It's a horrible trigger. It's one I don't know how to make go away. I send mssg. This time I've made phone calls just to hear his voice and say I love you. Pictures and just trying to stay up and happy when I talk to him. I don't know. I hope it helps. He really doesn't like to talk about it so.... Saying all that. I so excited for him ti be home today. Sounds like we get 5 days with him home. So hopefully it all goes well for him and us 


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 386 | Registered: Apr 2013
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Joanh
Thank you for sharing. I know it is hard for my husband to leave me for work travel. And hard to hear me so upset when he is gone & he can't hug me. I just can't help my emotions....the travel is such a trigger. A lot of texts, emails, phone calls & Skype does help tremendously though. Initiate often. I can't wait to see my husband too.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 596 | Registered: Oct 2011
SoLongSam
New Member
Member # 40712
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

Hi guys I am not new to the forumn - been reading since DD on 2/5/13 - but this thread sparked me to register.

I was downsized from my plant position almost a year ago but moved to corporate. In my new role I work from home and travel and you guessed it - while I was traveling and killing myself to keep my job to provide for us (always have had the larger salary, better benefits etc) he started an A with a co-worker that is about half his age.

I need to post my story in my profile but I have been traveling again since about June - 2-3 days every other week and while it hasn't been easy we have been doing ok. The kicker is I am slated to start traveling 5 days a week soon in preparation for a promotion that will most likely require a relo and I am triggering all over the place.

I am so glad this place is here to support so many hurting people.

[This message edited by SoLongSam at 1:22 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

(((SoLongSam)))
Welcome. So sorry you are here. It doesn't matter if you are the one traveling or the one at home, the pain of betrayal and the deceit and the planning they do for the minute you are apart is sometimes unbearable.
It has helped me to travel with my husband on some of his trips. I'm at the airport now to go join him. Can your husband travel with you at all?


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 596 | Registered: Oct 2011
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, September 20th (Friday)

(((SoLongSam)))
Welcome to SI. I am the BS and the one who travels. My fWS is a SAHM. She has ample opportunity to cheat without having to leave the house. The A's took place in our house while I was away.

Your WS needs to take on the responsibility to make you feel safe. I offered my fWS ideas at what would help and she came up with many on her own. Communicate your fears and anxieties. Don't be afraid to ask for exactly what you need.
Early on I asked for a text message every 30 min, what kind of trouble could she get into in 30 min? And if she had it would at least ruin the moment for her . It was like clock work, a text every 30 min on the dot.

Another huge one was a "No Voicemail" rule. She was expected to answer the phone 24/7 no excuses. I could call whenever I felt anxious. There is nothing worse than getting voicemail.

It does get easier. Slowly, but it does.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Again off he goes to work and like almost clock work three days out he triggered huge to the point I got a " you are a f'kn c+nt and I hate you.
This morning its triggeres we both feel the distance and the pain, both numbing against the feeling of missing each other and the pain that each of us have(even though the pains are different). Its tough and so frustrating.
The good side is we keep incontact it brought 2 phone calls as he was travelling to site and a few texting. So this is a good thing?. Hopefully

Its just hard knowing he's thinking and he hating me when he's away, and I am the cause of those feeling. That I can't help him. The distance of this job only enhances the feeling helpless
God I hate this nightmare!!!! and I can't wake up


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 386 | Registered: Apr 2013
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
burntandtorn
New Member
Member # 41502
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, December 9th (Monday)

@chico, I feel your pain man.

I travel for work. Her activities happened while I was away on trips. I have one that I have to go on next week and the anxiety is almost overpowering (my first trip since D-day).

Honestly though, I'm glad that I'm not in the place many people here are, where their traveling spouse cheated. I couldn't live with her even keeping a traveling job if that were the case.

I'm really not looking forward to this trip, but your post about your wife sending random pictures of the kids brought a smile to my face. I'll suggest that one to my wife.

I'm absolutely dreading the flight home though. I had already had major anxiety at this time before D-day. This is going to SUCK.


Married 12 years, together 14
BH 34
WW 35 (multiple ONS)
2 children, 8 and 10.
In MC. Trying to reconcile.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: missouri
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, December 9th (Monday)

WH is away this week for the first time since DDay#2. I'm a mess. I'm pretty confident he's not cheating, but the triggers are non-stop.

The enormity of all of this is just overwhelming. The level of deceit for so many years is mind boggling.

I want to R, and it seems possible when he's home, but I'm really beginning to doubt whether or not I can handle his travel. I was a wreck most of last week just anticipating the trip and it cast a shadow over some otherwise nice time together.

My IC asked me to list the things that would make me feel safe when WH travels, but short of me sitting beside him I'm not sure what would help me. He did all the usual text/call stuff while he was cheating so none of that puts me at ease at all.

He insists he's different now, but since he hid his other life so well I don't see any difference in him to give me confidence that anything has changed.

God, this sucks.

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 9:58 AM, December 9th (Monday)]


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 275 | Registered: Sep 2013
Sammy2013
Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, December 9th (Monday)

I didn't even know this thread was here. Have to bookmark this one. WH travels for work and his affair was on the road. Met her at a conference, then used work as reason to fly to her city to sleep with her. Needless to say, I have a hard time before, during and after trips. I found all of my evidence when he was on a trip and couldn't keep me off of his computer. So now I torture myself looking for new things, maybe something he hasn't told me. Other women (which I did find underwear pics from the wife of a friend).

He has to travel for work. I SAH with 3 kids so going with isn't an option. Right now, early out, he's doing everything right. Texting all the time, calling all the time. And in February he has a trip planned for the city she is in and where the PA happened. We are trying to see if someone can take kids for a few days so I can go with. Because I will be a mess.


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
PinkJeepLady
Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Huge trigger for me too. The whole thing, suitcase, packing, dropping off at the airport, it all brings up thoughts of what he used to be doing after he left me. He used to act sort of distracted before he left and I thought he was just trying not to show how much he missed me, well now I know what was distracting him. It wasn't thoughts of me.

WH has been gone part of last week until first of next week. He is calling/texting/face timing, I still can't stand it. It's just not the same. How are we supposed to stay connected when I am dealing with a snow/ice storm by myself and he is decided where to eat along a beach? He listens and acts interested in what I am dealing with, but I just resent him. I am cooking, cleaning and taking care of the family while he watches tv, reads and has maid service. It just makes me more mad.

People used to ask me how we dealt so well with being separated. We looked like we handled it pretty well and I thought we still had a great relationship. Now it seems like it was all just a big cover up for the cheating, all lies.

This is supposed to be the last trip, he is supposedly getting another position where he would work from home. For me, this is the last straw. I just can't deal with it anymore. I think I would be able to better deal with it if WH was working his butt off doing the work to heal and recover. Sadly, it isn't his priority.
Sorry, my post wasn't "supportive" at all, more of a vent! Hope that is ok. I would love to hear some ideas of how to better deal with it. Thanks!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
VeryUncertain
Member
Member # 37845
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Add me to the club! It's a tough one to be in.

I've had to put my big girl pants on and realize that if WH is going to cheat, he's going to cheat. I can choose to deal with it or not. It doesn't stop the tears from flowing some days, though!

We actually see each other very little due to our respective professions. I used to travel and have fun with WH but that's not possible anymore with the little ones. I'd like to keep our little family together but it's tough because WH is depressed and I feel zero emotional connection with him at the moment.

I'm sure it will get better. I'm just all triggery right now because I'm away and this is the time when I innocently met OW at a work dinner while I was pregnant with my littlest. She chattered away about her fiancé and upcoming wedding. Blah. Like some here, my H goes out all the time...often with younger single coworkers or older carousing coworkers and it's just tough. I understand not wanting to sit in a hotel room but...ugh. Combine that with not getting much closeness these days and it's a recipe for mental disaster. I work out and see friends a lot!!

[This message edited by VeryUncertain at 6:09 PM, December 9th (Monday)]


BS (Me): 38
WH: 43
2 beautiful, precious daughters: 4 & 2
Found out early Aug. 2012, separated 2/4/13, in R (?) since 7/2013.

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: MD
burntandtorn
New Member
Member # 41502
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Well, she's just left for work and my taxi will be here in a few minutes to take me to the airport. This really sucks.

She could tell my eyes were tearing up and gave me a good hug and told me everything will be fine. I'm not sure she fully grasps that it isn't just the fear that she might possibly do something again, it is also a rush of the past hitting me again. I now have a few days of traveling to ruminate on what she's done the previous times and I'm not looking forward to it.


Married 12 years, together 14
BH 34
WW 35 (multiple ONS)
2 children, 8 and 10.
In MC. Trying to reconcile.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: missouri
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Stay Strong Burntandtorn!!! You can do it!!! One thing that I would do, was to start a thread here asking for hugs/support/prayers and turn on the email notifications. All throughout the day when I would get notified it gave me just a little bit more strength to keep going.

Take care of yourself my friend.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
Alex CR
Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

H traveled all our married life ....and I discovered over four years ago that H had a 'steady' girlfriend for five years in another country where he traveled for work. It's not easy to be comfortable with them traveling again.....but over time combined with H's work to fix the mess he made, it's a lot better now.

In the beginning I did travel with him and it wasn't until this year, almost four years out, that I didn't go to OW's country on a business trip with him. And the week he was gone wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Of course, SKYPE, texting, and phone contact helps but most of all, it's time and his working to be trustworthy again.

I can't remember where I read the "immediate effect" quote below, but it helped me a lot to deal with those pounding heart can't breathe moments when pain and fear took over.

"The immediate effect of that emotional recall flushes the system with the chemistry of that exact emotion - but it is not happening again. It is how we think about it that drives the emotion."


For me, understanding the immense pain and physical effects I felt was my body's 'trained response' to this trauma and reading the key was 'how I chose to respond' was freeing. Many here at SI talked about putting up the STOP sign when these thoughts come. I would envision the STOP sign and say it over and over and over....sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, but eventually, it became habit and I said it less and less. Those thoughts are rare now and more easily handled unless I make a choice to dwell on them for some reason.

If there's one thing betrayal has taught me it is I need to take better care of me......and now that I do, everything else falls into place and I can handle whatever life throws my way, with or without my husband.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1634 | Registered: Mar 2010
NoMorDeceit
Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Trigger day! My DH is traveling for work again... it has become a monthly thing lately. We are almost 5 years out, no signs of trouble, but the travel sends me off the deep end. He would email/call his OWs from airports/hotels or pick up women in both places or whatever and he would tell me he had a ton of work to do and go email or call them. Travel is a huge F-ing trigger! I'm trying to move on from it and focus on the kiddo and Christmas stuff but geeze does it -ever- fully go away? April is 5 years since D-Days #1-1 million. He is calling and stuff. I have no reason to be triggering. It just sucks.

We fly December 23rd to see family in the Northeast and we get to connect in DFW where most of this nonsense in airports went on. I'm so looking forward to that too! Ugh.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2009
TheThreeYearFool
Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

It's early yet for me to be posting in Reconciliation, but I'm about to face our first travel separation since DDay and don't know what I should ask for in terms of reassurance.

WH is traveling on business for the beginning of next week. I know the trip is real. I've seen the emails about it, I've seen his airline itinerary, and most importantly I've seen his boss talk about it. His (male, older, and very conservative!) boss is going along with him, and it's to a suburb in Canada in December so it's not like it's a fun getaway.

But it still freaks me out. WH used a business trip as a cover for time with OW once or twice. Mostly for his trips with her he was traveling "with friends" allegedly to sporting events, and he scheduled trips with her when I had to travel.

He'd actually text me pretty regularly when we were separated. I'd call him as well -- he never called me. Sometimes he'd pick up and sometimes he wouldn't. He says he'd go into another room when I called when OW was with him. He would tell me he loved me and missed me, within earshot of OW.

Does anybody have any suggestions about what I can ask for reassurance?


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 148 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Blameitontherain
Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

What will make you feel easier threeyearfool? Some ideas are:

Calling-calls will be answered and if not a text will be sent immediately as to why they can't speak right then
Texting locations during the day
GPS on the phone to verify they are where they say they are
Text pics of where/what they are doing
Skpe/FaceTime
Restrictions on locations. Example if bars upset you, no bars.
This may not be a factor for you, but I had a no porn restriction. No deleting history on his phone/ computer so I could verify
No hanging up on you. This was a problem for us when I triggered. He'd just hang up.

Whatever you need to feel more comfortable, ask for it. There is not right or wrong way. Even with stuff like this in place, I still have anxiety but this helps alleviate some of it.


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
PinkJeepLady
Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

WH is still out of town, until next week and it really got to me this morning as well. I cried the whole way on my drive to a work conference, cried the mascara right off.
My thought was I need WH to call me right when he wakes up, something to be similar to us waking up together. He has been texting often which is helping somewhat.
We did have a nice evening earlier in the week. He ordered room service and I made some pasta and we ate dinner together over face time. It felt private and a little more normal.
It's just so hard! Hugs for all who are hanging in there and trying to make it work.


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

(((Pinkjeeplady)))
Can you ask him to call you when he wakes up? Tell him this would help you...it does not have to be a long call, just good morning, I love you. Then you would know he is thinking about you when he wakes up and make you feel less anxious of the distance of travel. This is such a simple thing but a huge, wonderful way to say I love you.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 596 | Registered: Oct 2011
Alex CR
Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

(((ThreeYearFool))) This is not an easy road and only time will tell if your R is truly remorseful and will be transparent and true to you.

But your H should be doing whatever you ask to help you feel better while he travels. Some people here have had their WS keep SKYPE open all night while they are sleeping....and awake to each other in the mornings. My H and I SKYPED and had dinners together, he in his room, me at home. We played games and spent hours together on line. He involved me more in his work and I have met many of the people he works with now. During the A, he kept his work life separate from his family.

As time went on and H busted his butt to help me heal and repair the damage he's done, I became more comfortable with his travel, but it took almost four years for me to get to this point.

In the end, if they want to cheat, they will and traveling certainly gives them opportunities. As I worked on me, I realized if H did cheat again, eventually I would find out and I am strong enough to make it without him. It would be his loss and though I would be sad to see him go, I know now I will be just fine on my own.

Be kind to yourself and tell your WS what you need to feel safe while he is gone and hold him to it.....his actions will tell you what you need to do next......all in good time.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1634 | Registered: Mar 2010
foolishlycluless
Member
Member # 41404
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

I'm so glad that I found this thread. Perhaps one of the mods can move it to the "I Can Relate" forum.

My WH normally travels 1-2 times per month. For some reason, since our d-day in late September, he has only had two trips. I triggered pretty bad the first time, but not as much the second time. In January he will start travelling more regularly.

As others have said, I don't want to be the police. He has to set his own boundaries. If he has taken his A underground, then he has made his choice, and our marriage will end. I don't have any evidence that he has done so, but then if he's careful, like he was for the first 14 months of his affair, it's unlikely that I will discover anything. He can cover his tracks very easily.

Nonetheless, travelling triggers a lot of emotions, and I'm not sure how I will be able to deal with them ...


BW 55
WH 59
M 30 yrs, together 33 yrs, no children.
D-Day #1: 9/23/2013, EA 15+ months, PA with 34 YO business assoc
D-Day #2: 11/27/2013, OW, EA for 2-3 yrs (2005-2007), PA
D-Day #3: 6/6/2014, found the sex video
Status: Putting on my bitch bo

Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington DC
betrayedme2
Member
Member # 40639
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

I think I could have written Chico's post from 2/6. I'm supposed to travel for work. Before DDay, I was gone from home a LOT. After dday, I can easily count the number of days on one hand. It's really effected my work. I'm glad this thread was brought back to life. I hadn't stumbled on it before.

Worry before I leave, stressed when gone, then over sensitive when I get back home. My WW went with me on one of my trips. It was wonderful!! But still nervous about leaving again.

I appreciate all the responses. I wish I had advice to give, but want to pass along appreciation for everyone else's experiences!


dday: 1/19/13
ME: mid 40's
WW: low 40'3
2 daughters, 17, 21
Reconciling

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, January 6th (Monday)

Bump for foolishlycluless


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3765 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
TheThreeYearFool
Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, January 6th (Monday)

Thanks for bumping this thread, karmahappens -- I was looking for it!

The Canada trip was rough at first. WH was out of cell phone range. That first Sunday was awful. I barely got out of bed and that's when I decided that I really needed to get on AD's.

Once he got on WiFi we were able to Skype and that was incredibly helpful. WH has never been one for talking on the phone but something about the face to face interaction made it different for him. Not to mention that it got rid of one trigger, which is that now I know that several times when I was traveling, WH had OW nearby while I was on the phone with him.

It also helped a lot that it was -17F out and he was traveling with his extremely conservative boss, so he was quite constrained.

Now I'm facing another travel situation. I'm going to visit my parents out of state, a flight that I booked a few weeks before DDay. This might be my biggest trigger. Even before I knew about the A, my solo trips made me nervous. I didn't like the distance I felt from WH when I came back, and sometimes there were things that made me suspicious -- lack of activity from him on our shared credit card, a scrupulously clean house when I got back...

As a result I decided that I wouldn't travel at all without him in 2013. I haven't seen my parents in over a year. And hey, it turns out he was with OW every single time I traveled without him, whether for business or family, since December of 2010.

I've told him I expect to Skype daily at the time of my choosing. And that I have to see both of our cats during the chat since that way I know he's home.

As much as I believe NC is in place, I am strongly considering asking the neighbors to keep a watch out for OW's car...


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 148 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Bump for Frankie80.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 596 | Registered: Oct 2011
foolishlycluless
Member
Member # 41404
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Bump for mod.


BW 55
WH 59
M 30 yrs, together 33 yrs, no children.
D-Day #1: 9/23/2013, EA 15+ months, PA with 34 YO business assoc
D-Day #2: 11/27/2013, OW, EA for 2-3 yrs (2005-2007), PA
D-Day #3: 6/6/2014, found the sex video
Status: Putting on my bitch bo

Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington DC
Frankie80
Member
Member # 41323
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Thanks for the bump forgiving now :-)
I guess I have to be ok with being apart from my H every now and again! His work situation won't change anytime soon and I worry about the strain the commuting is putting on him. Partly I struggle because I'm not there with the trust yet and partly I don't want spend time away from the thoughtful loving H I now seem to have!! Confusing!


Me BW
Him WH
Married 5yrs, together 8
DS & DD
DDay 1 18.07.13, 7month PA co-worker
DDay 2 29.09.2013 (continued EA, kissed once)
Working on R

Posts: 67 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: UK
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Just an update. This is my third week in a row I am traveling. And probably another one coming up next week. They have all been anxiety free trips. We have a really good routine going which has become second nature. Trust has been established and it feels as safe as I think it could.

The one area we still need to work on is making the most of the time together between trips. The disconnected feeling multiplies each trip. That should just take some awareness and some planning.

For anyone who is struggling with this
It does get easier with time and effort.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Ugh - yes. My H has some travel coming up again, and I am glad to know I am not alone. The disconnected feeling is the worst. Hard to believe we lived like that for years, and struggled to reconnect, and never fully doing it. Now we do, but it actually makes the trips harder, I think.

We haven't Skyped - My H's computer has a lot of restrictions due to work, but I may send my son's ipad with him this time.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1739 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

This is good to hear, Chico.
Try various things, bionicgal, until you feel connected. And vary it from time to time so it doesn't get overly routine.

We are still struggling- it's been a learning process for WH. He doesn't think about how things might appear to me while he is traveling even though we discuss and plan ahead. There is a particularly triggery time of day for me, and he's learning not to go out of contact during that time especially. Texts need to be acknowledged right away, even if it's only to say- "in meeting- talk soon". And texts need to sound like he's talking to his wife, not an acquaintance.
We're getting there.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Jls0320
Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I travel for work and was just stressing about my next trip and saw this thread. My last trip, 3 wks ago, was when I was getting emails from the key logger I had put on his computer and realized just how bad his sex addiction was....it was horrible. I'm terrified to go away again and don't trust him to stay away from these sites that have destroyed us. Had I not had that gut feeling before leaving last I wouldn't have put the logger on his computer, and wouldn't have known what he was doing while I was gone, and that makes me feel sick


Me: 32 Him WS: 33, 2 little boys
Him: EA with coworker, porn/cam/chat site/Craigslist addict. Diagnosed as SA
Together 15yrs, married 6yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
Separated

Posts: 188 | Registered: Nov 2013
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

To start off with, things are great with my husband and I. We are reconciling and more emotionally connected & open than we ever have been. So to right now, he traveled for work 3 days this week, home for less than 24 then off to a guy's ski trip Fri- late Wed. As he is in the mountains, the past 3-31/2 hrs our texts, cell is very spotty. The non-communication put me in a state of anxiety & irrational feelings of panic, sobbing, chest pain. I know this is the aftermath of such infidelity and trauma of betrayal but I HATE it. I'm starting to calm now but feelings of this is not fair for me to relive such pain and not be able to initially, rationally calm myself makes me so sad, so angry. I do not want to feel this way. Agh....
He just called on a friends phone and we skyped but our phones/email aren't working.
I should be able to stay in the present, be rational, but this is the aftermath of the trauma I have been thru. As people on here have said, you can't go around it, you have to go thru it.
I feel drained. I'm proud of my husband. He wasn't defensive, mad at me for my crying reactions, he was there for me. I know he loves me very much.
Thanks for listening. I feel better now.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 596 | Registered: Oct 2011
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

(((Forgivingnow)))

I'm sorry you are struggling. I have had a couple trips out of the country were contact was nearly nonexistent for a few days. It makes it so much harder.

I'm glad your H was there for you when he could finally make contact. I hope that his reaction will help you feel more comfortable in the future.

Also remember you dont have to sit in those feelings alone. We are here for you.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Thank you Chico. I can't imagine no contact for several days. We give each other cards, I would need a lot of cards/letters to open while we were apart with no contact.
He was there for me. Shortly after we skyped the phones started working. He sent me a text that said "I adore you. Don't be scared honey. I got you. I promise. You're mine." I texted him..."I had an emotional reaction/anxiety to not being able to contact you. Irrational, yes. Controllable, no, I tried. Proud, no. Proud I got thru it, yes, very. I know you love me and I love you."


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 596 | Registered: Oct 2011
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, February 27th (Thursday)

We are winding up the end of one week-long trip, but then he has another possible week long+ trip in a week or so.

It is rough -- but can I say, we finally got Facetime to work, and it has been so cool. Seeing him actually makes a big difference (we still talk all the time, much to his company's chagrin). And, it doesn't hurt that I get to hear how beautiful I am (and I can tell by his face that he means it.) It is super nice just to get to see his smile.

So, if you aren't doing Skype or facetime, and you can, do it! It helps. I can't believe he's been doing this for 8 years and this is the first time we've done this.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1739 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
PositiveAttitude
Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, February 27th (Thursday)

This is my first time posting on this thread.

My WH travels all the time. He's been gone since Sunday. I'm traveling this weekend to see him - I'll leave from there Monday morning to return home. He'll be home the following Friday night and will leave again on Sunday for another week long trip. I will see him for two overnights during that trip though.

I trigger hard when WH is traveling. Always wondering. Always scared. Skype would be great except he used that to form of communication with OW when he was traveling (never with our children and I) so it's a HUGE trigger for me, and I'm just not ready yet.


Posts: 170 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
VeryUncertain
Member
Member # 37845
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, February 27th (Thursday)

I feel like an egghead on Facetime. I'd rather just talk on the phone. Clearly, my self-esteem nosedive has not been completely rectified.

Are these bad signs:
a) Yesterday, WH called me at about 9:30 saying he was sitting down to dinner with an old (male) colleague...who never ever stays out past happy hour?
b) Today, WH is going out with "Lisa" and some people...and I started to clarify which Lisa and then decided I didn't even care?

I say this a little tongue in cheek as I don't think he's really doing anything wrong. But...it's just interesting how things change. I used to count the days/hours until he was home again and now...now I'm fairly detached and indifferent. I can't decide if that's really sad or just healthy(ier).


BS (Me): 38
WH: 43
2 beautiful, precious daughters: 4 & 2
Found out early Aug. 2012, separated 2/4/13, in R (?) since 7/2013.

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: MD
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, February 27th (Thursday)

Positive attitude - that really stinks! But, maybe you'll be ready to claim it for yourself some day? Or use facetime, which is a little different.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1739 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, February 27th (Thursday)

Great thread...traveling WS (and BS) does make things more difficult, but like others have said, it does get better. Calling him in the morning to "wake him up" helps. We talk while he is in his room on speaker phone. It helps if he answers the phone right away...we don't text that much if he is on a trip. Checking credit card account, flights and hotel bills helps also. My worry is not that he is picking up other women but that he is with the one OW. I feel more vulnerable if he is driving. He mostly flies but this week is a driving trip to a destination in another state. this particular place is a trigger for me. One month after dday, he drove to this destination, worked 2 days, but checked out & drove to our home state a day early to spend the night with her, then came home with his bags "from his trip" the next day. I found out b/c my gut was telling me to check and charge card and hotel bill confirmed it. But he has made this trip several times since that happened 4 years ago and I am better with it this time.

Posts: 572 | Registered: Nov 2010
PositiveAttitude
Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, February 27th (Thursday)

Bionicgal - I doubt I will ever be able to claim Skype or any other communication of the like with him. I asked him for years when he traveled to set up a webcam for our children to communicate with him. He never would always claiming the connection was too slow, etc.

Then all last year when he was traveling (and she wasn't with him - rare) he was Skyping with her, but never our young children who missed him and would cry themselves to sleep for him.

Sorry . . . It just makes me angry to even think about. I do wish it were something that could be claimed, but it might be something that never can be.


Posts: 170 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

PA...Although I think this is so very awful...so blatantly putting the OW before family...including kids, but it IS typical of the compartmentalization that WS do to protect themselves from the guilt. Just curious...does he realize he did this?

Posts: 572 | Registered: Nov 2010
PositiveAttitude
Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Yes, he knows he did it, but he refuses to speak about it. He gets short-tempered and angry when I bring it up. I know that's the guilt and self-loathing talking (if my husband ever prided himself on anything it was being an amazing father - he doesn't have that anymore).

WH told me one time that after DDay when it seemed that he was choosing OW over us it was because he felt like he was making the best of a terrible situation. He thought he had destroyed us, made his bed, and she was all he deserved.

I think he was foggy with his head up his arse when he said that, but if it makes him feel better to rewrite affair history to her detriment - who am I to argue?


Posts: 170 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I think he was foggy with his head up his arse when he said that

absolutely...I have long accepted that what my H did was completely 100% for him...his own needs. I am not even sure it is correct to say he put OW above me. Also,like you said, he can't face the fact that he put his needs above his kids. My H is the "good guy." In his mind and the perspective of outside onlookers, he is the protecting, sacrificing husband and father. Mostly he IS but I have always known that even that part of him is self-serving.
No one else in our family or circle of friends knows about his A history...he is safe unless he does this again. Unfortunately, now I see that self-serving side of him and things have changed.


Posts: 572 | Registered: Nov 2010
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

VU:
I know what you mean about the ambivalence between whether you just don't care enough or you do trust him more. Or are you more detached. I would want to talk with my WH about both of these things. How long until he is back? Would it help to talk about it before he returns? Also, what are the ground rules for his travels and dining out, and providing you with a schedule? My WH travels out of the country regularly for work, but he has also been fabulous since D day about telling me his schedule and any deviations from it in advance.

FaceTime or Skype would seem to help in this situation too- you can see where he is, what is in the background.

PA:
That is terrible. I am sorry that you deal with that trigger around something that could be really helpful to your R. Have you tried it anyway with the kids? just to see if it is comforting to you or is too triggering? It has the benefit of you seeing the background and what he is. It also keeps your kids linked to your WH. I have found that photos are super helpful to me in seeing where my WH is and what he is doing. And I realize now that during his A, he was able to compartmentalize me and the kids by minimizing his communication with us during the work week, and during his travels.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1477 | Registered: Dec 2011
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

H is headed out on another trip -- for 7 nights. A long one, and he will be in India, so the communication can be kind of hilariously spotty. (There are lots of reasons why calls can't go through some times. . the recordings are a riot.)

He also has to take anti-malarial medication which makes him feel crappy, and is generally exhausted the whole time.

This is week away #2 in a month, and the week in between was very, very busy. Tough time.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1739 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

Sorry to hear, BG. I totally understand. The last three months have been crappy for us, filled with travel and meetings scheduled over weekends.

Hang in there!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1413 | Registered: Jun 2012
cancuncrushed
Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

H has traveled for years. Many unknowns have happened...None will ever be known.. He took OW on business trip and lied for 8 months about it..He drinks and eats out every night when traveling..And lies about those. Referred to them as meetings,...For the last year, he has been home. Only Driving travel, which I went with him.....We are in a better place, but the roller coaster does visit still..H has stopped drinking, by 90 percent..Making other behavior improvements....We recently found out his travel will start again. Lots of it. One travel location is to a gambling facility....I know we have now accomplished nothing..Everything is the same..Same doubts, mistrust...We just havent been living it day to day...I know it will not be good. WE will have many arguments, about the same things...I am almost glad he will be gone if thats the repeat pattern.. Instead of anxiety, I feel glad.. He promises not to eat out, or drink...It was a great pleasure for him..I dont believe it at all..He has to do these projects...I hate that the career is non negotiable. In his line of work, he could change companies, but would travel with the new one also.....Im just ready for a break in the stress. Why cant it be different? Because he is doing the exact same things on location.
Also, our daily phone calls are the same..How are you? Have you eaten? How are kids? Bye..Every single day...I am more upset after the call then not getting one....I cant check records at all, and most times he will not answer his phone, or texts..Doesnt hear them. I remain in the dark always.....ANd now, it sounds good..I am numb .I have accepted the career offers many opportunities, and will never go away... I am tired of calling, and chasing and asking...I get nowhere. Its all company controlled...I will rest..and not answer the phone..SOunds childish, but having that short conversation every single day is upsetting more then anything...Its insulting and robotic. And he feels hes done his duty. I am angry, there is no solution.. I forgot to mention, this facility is in a summer resort, boating commmunity...Party city. Every day ..For maybe year and half? I am very angry..Just venting and realizing this is forever. Because there will always be another project. The anger is partially cause for the disconnect. Its coming back. These are really long projects. We remain in limbo. for many reasons.
ANd all this is coming up, just when we had gotten to a better place...Then wham...had a very bad weekend...I havent even talked about that yet.. I cant.....Now he will travel... Damn Damn Damn.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 3:29 PM, March 6th (Thursday)]


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 884 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
VeryUncertain
Member
Member # 37845
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

BG - it's so hard. I'm right there with you. Sub in Asia for India. You know, where OW1 lives (and still works...with him). Annoying, to say the least. If nothing else, the time difference is a killer.

Cancun, I'm sorry to hear. It is so rough when they travel all the time. Either you have a good time while they're around but then (poof!) they're gone again or you have a bad time and then you want to flog yourself (and him!) endlessly. It's crappy and I'm living it right now as well.

It will get better. Or you'll give up on R and start a new happy life. Either way, it will be ok! At least, that's what I keep telling myself.


BS (Me): 38
WH: 43
2 beautiful, precious daughters: 4 & 2
Found out early Aug. 2012, separated 2/4/13, in R (?) since 7/2013.

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: MD
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Cancun - Gently, that doesn't sound like transparent behavior, at all. And honestly, R is hard enough when the two parties are engaged and trying hard and there is travel, what you are describing seems incompatible with healing. No wonder you are frustrated.

Are you in MC? My H's affair did not take place when he was away from home, but he did kick it off with an email he sent (and continued email for a week) when he was out of the country. His travel gave him a worry-free zone to communicate with AP secretly; I don't know how he kept us both straight.

So, now we do stay in pretty good contact - multiple emails a day, texting when possible, now facetime. My H does eat out with clients (rarely women), but no drinking. (That is new since dday, but he was never a partier.) He works hard to stay connected, and I update him with pictures, what we are doing, etc. so he feels plugged in.
And you know, it is still hard!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1739 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, March 23rd (Sunday)

Bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, March 23rd (Sunday)

Wow.
I didn't even know this thread was here. But I can not tell you how glad I am that it is!!!
Dh has taken a job about 2.5 hours drive from where we live. It is a very good opportunity for us. So we are making it work. He is staying with a relative Monday through Friday. He comes home on Friday evenings. This was our first full week of these changes.
It's harder than I thought. I am sad to say, I had my first trigger in YEARS and not just one but a few. I don't know what bothered me more, the trigger itself, or the fact that after 8 years that they still exist.
For now, this is how things have to be. For several reasons it isn't a good time to move.
I will have a lot more to say but for now, I am just so happy this thread is here. I was going to post a big reconciliation thread about it because I could use some help sorting through things. But this is perfect. Thanks.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 43919 | Registered: Sep 2006
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

(((Metamorphisis)))
It would be great if this thread was in the ICR forum so people know where to find it when their spouse is traveling.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 596 | Registered: Oct 2011
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

Well, dh just left. I think I am quickly coming to loathe Sunday evenings. He could have stayed for the night and left in the morning, which he might do in the future. However, the drive would be awful and he'd have to leave at 5am so it seemed kind of pointless. The hard part is making the most of the time we have. We both said we woke up this morning thinking "only x hours left" and we all mentally counted down all day. It's hard to relax, or feel present when you are counting down the time until someone leaves.
I am hoping it gets easier with time. I also kind of hope it doesn't if that makes any sense. I mean we fought so hard for this relationship.. I don't really want to imagine a time when it's just normal to be apart more than we are together.
As far as accountability we are doing well, and communicating well.
My batshit crazy trigger moment was on day one. We chatted about his day and his new boss. They are a team of three in their department. Dh, his male supervisor, and a single female that is the same age as us. F'ing fabulous. I did NOT expect the panicky, irrational, frantically googling, shakey reaction I had to that let me tell you. There is never a time where you relish the thought that your partner will be spending signifigantly more time in a week with a female coworker than yourself. It's espically unpleasant after infidelity let me tell ya.

But here's the rub folks. I sure as hell didn't spend all this time and effort reconciling and rebuiliding to live in a metaphorical prison of my own design. If he, or I for that matter, want to cheat there are many ways and opportunities. I am here because I truly believe that isn't who we are or what we want. More importantly I believe if it were to happen again my path would be clear, and I would be ok. More than ok.

So there it is. It's still so new. I imagine I will need this thread a lot.
It's hard on everyone, not just from an infidelity standpoint but even more from a "How does our family work now?" standpoint. It's hard on the kids, it's hard on me, it's hard on him.. heck ..even the dog wouldn't eat. Sigh. Here's to hoping that it gets easier.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 43919 | Registered: Sep 2006
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, March 24th (Monday)

(((Meta)))

It does get easier with time!!! I promise.
I have been doing a week at home a week away pretty much all year. The anticipation of leaving is still the hardest part but even that has gotten better.

Before Dday Broevil and I used to say that it was nice to have opportunities to miss each other, so saying it does kinda have a bad taste. But there is some truth to it. We definitely put effort into increasing the anticipation of coming home too. Lots of flirty "when I get home..." kinda stuff.

Trying to make the most of the time at home and really reconnecting and staying connected is so important. There is nothing worse than leaving again thinking "so soon, we just wasted the last few days".
It takes a lot of mindfulness.

Just because its been 8 years doesn't protect you from the return of the metaphorical prison especially when experiencing a new life challenge. Its ok to need to reprocess some things, not just internally but together as well. I am sure it would be a good exercise to reestablish agreements on boundaries and reassurance.

It does take time.
We are here to help
Sending thoughts and prayers


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, March 24th (Monday)

(((Meta)))
It does get easier with time, the crushing anxiety lessens. It is so important to stay as connected as you can while apart. Texts, phone calls, Skype....we also have a "love" email folder where we keep things we've written to each other while apart...it is very helpful to go back & read those when I start getting anxious. I give my husband cards to open when he is away. We may go overboard with our communication while he's gone but it makes me feel safe, both of us feel loved & I know he's thinking about me. We also use the app Tiger Text...to keep things exciting & private while he is gone.....
Sometimes I still get the irrational fears/anxiety, I wrote about it in this thread last month. The trauma of betrayal hits you without warning sometimes.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 596 | Registered: Oct 2011
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, March 24th (Monday)

Staff started a thread in ICR for you all


http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=526482


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196349 | Registered: May 2002
Topic Posts: 160