User Topic: I miss her...
Member # 38230
Sad  Posted: 5:33 PM, February 11th (Monday)

I miss my WW's innocence. The notion that she was mine and mine alone. She was always the better of us. The more caring, more patient, more gentle. I had it all.

Now she's not innocent. And the way I look at her hurts me.

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, February 11th (Monday)

Yes I do understand... oh how this part hurts

In my case I see my WH as a monster (equivalent to my abusers in my past). It is a really hard pill to swallow and I may not be able to do it.

You just never think the person you love and trust with everything can literally ambush you. I will never figure it out.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, February 11th (Monday)

I just wanted to say I understand.

Not sure how far you are since Dday, at almost 5 months I have gained only some of that back. I wasn't able to even look at him for the lonest so I guess it's progress.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, February 11th (Monday)

Word, Yakamishi. Word.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 35013
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, February 11th (Monday)

Yep - I also miss US. I miss me. I miss comforting and being comforted. It all changes.

WH 54
DD1 7/21/08, over a year to get the whole story out.
Married 22 1/2 years - together 24 1/2 yrs
4 kids
Trying to R
No one should know more about your life than you. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? God, I hope so.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, February 11th (Monday)

Yes. I feel exactly the same. She's no longer my "Sweet Thing". She's become someone else: Someone who would hurt me.

Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous

Posts: 2087 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 35519
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, February 11th (Monday)

My heart hurts for you (((Yakamishi)))

Praying for you!

ME-BS-41 WH-45
Married 23 years-together 27
5 beautiful children ages 15-25
Dday1-late June 2011
Dday2-early July 2011
Dday3- early August 2011
Another affair 7 years before.
R going well

Posts: 279 | Registered: May 2012 | From: yoshi7268
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, February 11th (Monday)

I feel you pain my friend ! I'm right there with you. Our WW have lost their innocents. What hurts me the most is when I touch her exspecilly her breast . I just can't stand the tought of another man touching her ! I'm hoping over time this feeling goes away

married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty

Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
New Member
Member # 35541
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, February 11th (Monday)

If we would ask people who would be the more likely cheater between me and my wife, I'm sure 100% of the people would say it would be me.

It crushes me when I remember all the things she did. I miss not worrying about her using her cellphone. I miss not second-guessing her motives for many things. I miss not feeling sad about song lyrics that I hear. I miss not being affected by infidelity stories from other people. I could go on and on, but it seems I miss my "old self". Her A changed me on so many levels. I am a totally different person now.

Strength to us all!!!

Me: BH (33)
Her: FWW (33)
Yrs together: 15
Yrs married: 10
1 Daughter (8)
DDay: March 2012
TT: February 2013
Church renewal of vows: Feb 10, 2013

Posts: 33 | Registered: May 2012
Baby Boo Who
New Member
Member # 27480
Concerned  Posted: 10:54 PM, February 11th (Monday)

And the way I look at her hurts me.

I can relate. Peace and love to you Yakamishi

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Idaho
Member # 37747
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, February 12th (Tuesday)

Isn't that the truth! I sometimes have such a hard time thinking my WW actually did all this. I feel sad every time I think about it, which is every five minutes right now. Do we stay married and push those feelings away? How do you ever wrap your mind around the fact that the one who is supposed to love you the most could betray you so badly? It's a huge wound. Huge. And the first of many casualties is the loss of that special feeling, that safe and secure innocence and trust we felt around our spouses. Sucks. I sure hope that feeling will return some day. I am not sure I can stay married without it.

Me: BS 45
Her: WS 46
Married 19 years
DDay: 10/9/2012

Posts: 279 | Registered: Dec 2012
New Member
Member # 37289
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, February 12th (Tuesday)

I too miss the way it used to be...before I had to worry what he was really doing at work, worry what he's actually looking at on his phone, worry if he's looking for his next one since we all have the mind-set "once a cheater, always a cheater" and since I sometimes feel as if he "got away with it" and I'm still here for him. Those thoughts never crossed my mind before and I miss that.

Me: 41
Him: 40 (PA with ex g/f from 20 years ago)
DDay: 10-20-2012, then more details on
10-25-2012 (worst day of my life)
The trusting ship has clue when or if it will ever dock again!

Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Midwest, USA
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

Thank you. It truly gives me comfort knowing that I'm at least a little normal throughout this living nightmare.

I miss her, but still love her.

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 35135
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

I totally get you, Yak. When I overthink it, I think it's not "her" that I miss, it's my belief about who she was, and/or my experience of living under that belief. Turns out it was a false belief, so maybe I shouldn't miss it at all. But I do.

DDAY 12/1/11
Separated and uncertain

Posts: 398 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Elm Street
Member # 37463
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

I could not agree more with all of the posts... I miss our friendship, to think for the last 2.5 years she remained the center of my world, while I was on the periphery of hers and an enemy in her mind. It is all so heard breaking.

Me: BH 40
Her: WW 35
DDay #1: 9/28/2012
TT until:
DDay #2: 1/03/2013
2.5 yr LTA EA/PA
Dday #3 6/19/2013 OM #2
DD 4
DS 7
She moved out on 7/2/2013

Posts: 94 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: The best Virginia
Member # 37308
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

It really hurts. I am really missing the "only mine" feeling too. We were each other's only, until the As. And now I have trouble remembering what is special between us anymore.

Me: BS
Him: WS (longroadahead22)
DDay #1: 10/23/12
DDay #2: 11/7/12
DDay #3: 2/9/13
Kids: 2 boys
R, trying our best

Posts: 166 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

Boy can I relate to everyone else. I feel like there's a knife in my back that I can just brush my fingers on the handle of, but can't reach to pull it out. I know over time the wound will scar over and the pain will lessen, but the knife will always be there. The other night when she finally gave me a timeline and more details, she said she hoped I would love her like I once did again some day. It hurt to tell her I never would love her that way again. Hopefullly it might be a better, stronger love, but it would never be the same as it once was.

But beyond that, I do hate many of the things I've become since D-day. I used to joke about being paranoid. Now in many ways I live it.

[This message edited by WearingTheHorns at 12:26 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)]

Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10

Posts: 281 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 37202
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

I understand where you are coming from Yakamishi.

When I look at my fWW, I see a woman that has crushed my spirit and has changed me as a person, but not for the better. I see someone else enjoying her body in a way that only I was supposed to enjoy. I don't know if I will ever get over the damage that she has caused my life and her willingness to throw her family away like yesterday's trash. I don't see her as special anymore.

Me: BH 37
Her: fWW 34 (Lulu38)
DD 8
DS 3
D-Day #1 9/17/12 Admitted to EA
D-Day #2 10/18/12 Finally confessed to PA with coworker

Status: working towards R...

Posts: 114 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: So Cal
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

All of your posts cut me to my soul. It is a good thing that I work alone and can have lunch alone while I read these. I use to not cry and now I can't stop. I feel all of your pain right along with my own. I try to look in his eyes but I can't stay there very long. Does he feel my pain? Does he get what he has done?

D Day May 27, 2012

Posts: 186 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
New Member
Member # 38339
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

It seems like all of us on the post are feeling much the same way. The trust I had in my wife was not trust, as much as a blind faith that she was simply incapable of hurting me this way. What I have to accept is, that kind of trust is never coming back. I can never again think that she “can’t” hurt me that way, but instead, find a way to believe that she “won’t” ever hurt me like that again.
Like many of you, I am looking for a way to build a new level of trust, commitment and communication. My wife wants to have things, the way they were before and I have explained that is simply not possible. The innocence of us being in our first marriage, three kids, 16 years of devotion and togetherness through good and bad times, is gone. We will always miss that innocence and special bond. The question now is can we find something new, something similar and hopefully something in some ways, a little better. Better communication and truthfulness. Two months since D-Day and it has been rough. I didn’t know I could feel these kinds of emotions and pains. We’re still trying. Good luck to all of you who are also trying R.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

3 years on from D day and in recovery for most of it but I still feel sadness at my lost life every day. I just deal with the new one and hope that the plaster sticks hard

Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
Member # 38047
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, February 14th (Thursday)

Very well said. I feel EXACTLY the same way. I have expressed this to her and what I get back is "sorry".
reflex response I think.........

I share your pain (((Y)))

[This message edited by devotedfool68 at 9:58 AM, February 14th (Thursday)]

BH 46
WW 38 (Lost94)
DS 17
DS 15
AP - friend of a friend of WW - complete stranger, predatory KISA

many DDays, primary 7/4/2012 and 8/10/2012
timeline of the highlights 11/1/2013

Holding on to hope.

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

Bump. Because I still miss her. And love her so much more.

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 38134
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

I don't love my wh the same way anymore. It is a source of sadness for me. Sometimes I even question why I am still trying to R. I miss the lost trust and respect. I don't know if the level of trust and respect before the A will ever return.

It's been a hard day today.. exactly 3 months since 1st dday.

Me-BW 46 yo;Him - WH 53 yo
Married 13years
One daughter together 9yo, 2 stepchildren(His from previous marriage)
Various DDdays (see my profile)
ONS and multiple "friendships" with women in various online dating sites

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Zealand
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

I miss what I thought I had. I miss the person who I knew 'soul deep' that I could trust with anything. That trust, once so freely given is gone. Not saying it can't be rebuilt, but this time it will be earned. This time around, no matter how far we get down the R road will always have the 'yea but', built in.

God, I miss the innocence.

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2984 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

I am sorry for your pain. What I can say that it is possible. My sister and her husband went through this 24 years ago. He got the OW pregnant but she miscarried. They are still together and love each other all the more.

Hang in there....this is a long road.

Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
New Member
Member # 39056
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, April 29th (Monday)

I know it's been a long time since this post was active but I had to read it, I read all the posts twice. Cried and cried and cried my heart out

I miss the way I was loved, the way I felt special. I'm the wife, not anyone else. I'm his, he's mine. I miss not having to worry or watch him, I miss not feeling the pain all the time.

The innocence is gone. I wonder if he feels the pains I'm suffering. This really hurts but I miss the old him and the old me

BW 27
WH 33
Real Dday: May 22nd, 2013

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, April 29th (Monday)

Can relate to this. Feeling this hard today and wondering if I should even stay in my marriage because of it. My heart is broken.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, April 29th (Monday)

It's hard. I love my FWH, but I can't help questioning his every move, his motives, holding back from him because I'm afraid he will use something against me at a later day. We are R'ing really successfully, but there are still the doubts and worries dancing in the back of my mind. Some days are better than others for me... but I fear that no matter how great things are, those doubts and worries will always be there.

BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do

Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, April 29th (Monday)

I don't feel I am special, that our marriage is special, or that he is special anymore. I hate this feeling.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 30