Wayward Side
User Topic: Question for BS's Reading This
Member # 38170
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)

Betrayed Spouses who reconciled or are actively working on R now- how many of you only decided to reconcile because you have kids together with your Bs? Would you have gone the divorce route had children not been a factor?

WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)

I can say for certain I would not have tried to R if we didn't have a child together. In our case, I'm not sure the infidelity would have happened if we had not had children, though. That was the start of a downward spiral for my fWH.

That being said, I would not have stayed in my M, child or no, if there had not been significant changes. Kids are a great reason to try to save a marriage, but it is important to me that my son see me healthy and whole.

Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1752 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)

BH here and I did not R. However, I can say that leaving my SD was very, very hard. Her dad is active and engaged in her life, which made all of the difference in the world. If my xww and I had any COM then it would have several more years (if ever) before I could leave. We wouldn''t have been in R though because my xww wasn''t capable. It would have been more like eternal rugsweeping.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 4007 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Member # 37035
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)

My children were definitely a large part of my decision to R. I remember the night of Dday, all I could think of or say was "I love my kids, I love my kids...I don't know what to do." It was hard to decide if having a father who had done something so disgusting and disrespectful outweighed not having a father around at all.

My WS was so devastated on Dday and the weeks after. He opened up to me more than he ever had. He did and continues to do everything in his power to help build my trust and move our relationship in a healthy direction. Had he not done these things, I would have decided differently.

Also, the fact remains that I happen to love him very deeply. Even what he did couldn't change that. If we didn't have kids I probably would have moved out and taken some space, but deep in my heart I believe that I still would have stayed with him. So far it has been very worth it, as I feel our relationship is more authentic than it has ever been.

Me- BS (27)
Him- WS (32) MajorTom
Dday July 23, 2012
PA during January 2012
In R.

"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings." -- Lao Tzu

Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Oregon
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

We did not have kids, and reconciled. There are a few of us here! But I think a lot of people initially stay because of their kids, whether that impacts their long term decision to reconcile or divorce.

Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.

Posts: 1687 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
Member # 22730
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

We did not have children together and are divorced because of the As. He was a huge part of my DD''s life growing up but she was already grown by the time R came about.

I was receptive to R because he had done much of the work on himself that he needed to. If he had not dug deep like he had, there would not be R.

I've gotten off the crazy train and I'm loving living life.

Posts: 1409 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Florida
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

The first time, I probably would have - he confessed and was remorseful (ONS). The second time - probably not. He was sending emails/texts to some chick, nothing sexual, but shitty boundaries, and if I could have just made a clean break I probably would have. That was so much worse, to me, than what had happened before.

We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6835 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 36409
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

Having kids was part of my decision to work on my marriage. It wasn't the only thing that affected my decision but it was a large part of it. I had a very hard time with the fact that my daughter would be very upset and angry had I decided to leave. She thinks the sun shines out his butt. But I know now that if heaven forbids he does this again, I'd leave without any hesitation because she needs to know that this is unacceptable behaviour.

Me BS (35)
Him WH (38)
2 Children - 9 & 1 years
DDay #1 Sept 2011
DDay #2 Nov 2011
In R

I feel angry but not homocidal; this may be progress.

Posts: 51 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
Member # 34594
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

Having kids with him was definitely a deciding factor in my decision to try to R. Especially since my youngest was only 4 weeks old on Dday. His A's had been over for years before I found out, though, and I sometimes wonder if I would have been as willing to R if he was in an active A on DDay.

Anyway, kids can influence the decision to try, but ultimately it comes down to both WH and myself. We both have to work on R every day, kids or no.

Me-BS, Late 20's
Him-WH, Late 20's
M 9 years, together 14
DS and DD
D-Day 1/16/12

"Long is the way And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light" -John Milton, Paradise Lost

Posts: 215 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

Yes, if we did not have 3 children I would have chosen a D. In fact, if we only had our DD, as was the case for most of the A's, I would have pursued a D. It was only when considering the best interests for our 3 kids that I decided to give R a try.

Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

When my WH had his first A 13 years ago we did not have children and I was fully commited R.

The DDays that have come after children my desire for R was mainly focused on my children with still loving him secondary.

BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 781 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
Member # 8559
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

with out kids i would have been gone. I could not be a every other weekend dad so i stayed

Posts: 108 | Registered: Oct 2005
Member # 34040
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

We don't have children and have reconciled. We had been together about 8 years on DDay, and to me it was worth seeing whether our relationship and the life we'd built in that time was worth fixing. Turns out, it was. Because it was just the two of us we were able to really focus on each other and on ourselves as individuals and what we wanted without wondering how it would affect other lives.

That said, WH has really, really done and has continued to do the hard work to R. Without that, I likely would have been long gone.

Me: BW, 34
Him: WS, 39
D-day June 15, 2011

Posts: 133 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

I am trying to R with my WH....TRYING, I think he is still in the fog or not remorseful but we are trying to R....and no not because we have kids, but because i loved him and I am trying to love the person that he is now.

BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 552 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

We had two daughters. That is the ONLY reason I tried. We are getting divorced still.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Feb 2009
Member # 27011
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

I tried to R with the now ex but not because of the kids - they are all young adults.

I did decide to divorce him partly because of the kids though.

Posts: 730 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Immersed in my happily ever after : )
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

We had no kids and decided on R.

We're pretty well into the process and are now expecting our first.

You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013

Posts: 2042 | Registered: Sep 2011
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

We have no kids, and I have been trying to R for over 2 years now, but H is not doing all the work he needs to do.

Having said that, he was so far up his own a$$ - no job, depressed, etc - that we developed a parent/child relationship which haunts us to this day.

I am looking into D.

Kids probably would have made a difference.


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

Posts: 595 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

I made no decisions. When he told me he was 'seeing someone else and our marriage was over' our son was 14 and our daughter 18 and going through her pre-college exams. I was DESPERATE to keep the family together and to split him up from HER. He took that as me controlling him. Where are we now, four years (almost) later? He's still with her but struggling. Kids are ok-ish - daughter still heartbroken and struggling to maintain relationship with the dad who let her down so badly. Son who is my rock and says he'll always 'take his dad with a pinch of salt'. As for me? I'm in a new place, have a great life and close relationship with my kids (who live with me when not at college). In four years they have never spoken to 'the woman who destroyed our family'. Armageddon and destruction everywhere. Upside for me is that I've fallen in love with the man I should have met 30 years ago. Infidelity destroys so much. It's like a fire.

Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.

Posts: 884 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

It was the kids.
I'd always wanted a family with children so they came first. I WAS NOT going to have them grow up with my MIL, which is where they would have been.

BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife

Posts: 485 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 38387
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

For me, looking back I thing having kids allowed me the excuse to try R as I felt a fool for wanting to try, I thought this was always a deal breaker for me and I'd kick him to the curb and never look back, big words but when it came down to it I was surprised at how much I still loved him and wanted to stay together, I pacified myself with the belief it was just for the kids, to give myself permission to stay, until I was ok with my decision.

Me BS 35
WH 33
Married 10 years
3 amazing kids
We were soul mates
Trying to Reconcile, it's not for pussy's.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: UK , living in Canada
Member # 37809
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

I'm in the process of actively reconciling..

BUT to make that decision, I removed our son from the equation. With or without fWH, I would be a wonderful mom. With or without me, fWH is a great dad..

I wanted to make sure that I would be happy in 15 years, when DS left the house. That was how I made my decision.

Me: BW-22
Him: fWH-22
D-Day: 10/13/12
Baby #2 due September 2, 2013!

Decided to R--Still new to it...

Posts: 89 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)

Initially, yes it was only because of the kids. I knew I couldn't keep it emotionally together the first few days to care for them properly so I allowed him to stay in our family home.

After watching WH work on his issues and actually attempt to do what I needed him to do (with some prodding from me) I actually allowed myself to believe that I am in this for myself.

He is not perfect, but he does try very hard to do the right thing. Hopefully he continues on the path.

I do know that if he does have another affair I am stronger now and will not hesitate to divorce. I know that I deserve to have a faithful and loving partner.

Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 468 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 35135
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

It was a big factor, but by no means the only one.

DDAY 12/1/11
Separated and uncertain

Posts: 398 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Elm Street
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

Grown kids so they are not a factor. Trying to R because I love him. It's so hard.

D Day May 27, 2012

Posts: 186 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

For me, looking back I thing having kids allowed me the excuse to try R as I felt a fool for wanting to try, I thought this was always a deal breaker for me and I'd kick him to the curb and never look back, big words but when it came down to it I was surprised at how much I still loved him and wanted to stay together, I pacified myself with the belief it was just for the kids, to give myself permission to stay, until I was ok with my decision.

This for me as well. I am going through the process of D now. The kids and fear initially pushed me towards R with my STBXWW but eventually her inability to change, rugsweeping, and inability to do the work helped me get over my fear and move towards D. Will it suck for the kids, yes, but it will suck less than them staying in a broken marriage that just gets worse over time. Also I was not to thrilled to have them grow up in a house and think to lvoing adults never hugged or touched each other. Better to come from 2 seperate homes than one completely broken home imo.

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1914 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Member # 38172
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

As much as I love my wife, I am staying in the marriage (for now) because of our daughter. I'm having a daily struggle to decide what to do but my daughter keeps me in the M one day at a time.

Me: BS
Her: WS
Married 13 yrs., together 17.
D-Day #1: 1/2006 (EA)
D-Day #2: 1/2013 (PA/EA)

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: DFW
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

I probably would have tried to R after the first DDay, mostly out of shock. But not the second. I have stayed for the youngest child's benefit.

Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

BH here, who later became a WH during R at my WW's urging. She thought it was part of the process.

We didn't have kids at the time so that was not a factor. What we did have was a marriage vow that even adultery was not automatically grounds for D, so R was always a required first step by us.

The way WW played it out, there were plenty of grounds for D after all, but I didn't let her off the hook that easy.

Still married, decades later. Wasn't easy, I think R can be the hardest, best road. Sure was for me.

Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

Only because of the kids.

Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
Member # 35760
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

We have no children together and we are trying. Guess it depends on the cause of the infidelity and wether you care enough and are strong enough to try. I feel each person makes their own decisions on what they feel is right for them at the time.

Be true to yourself

Posts: 63 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Saskatchewan
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

We had three kids under age 9 on DDay. If we had none, I guarantee it would have been over THAT DAY. But our story is a bit on the extreme side. I cannot imagine why anyone without kids to consider would stay with infidelity as extreme as our case.

I am not attempting R "for the kids". I want to be able to tell my kids, if we do D, that I did everything in my power to save the M and the family unit. I understand I am taking the risk of losing their respect for attempting R with a man capable of what he has done, if/when they ever find out, even if it is their father.

I am taking a huge risk staying at all, and you better believe I am positioning myself for the best outcome for me and the kids if R fails. And I am prepared to leave the M, at a moment's notice, if I ever feel they are not in a setting that is in their best interests at this time. And their best interests include what is best for me, indirectly. And WH knows this, and will leave if I ask. It is one of many consequences he has had to face as a result of his choices, and he greatly cherishes any possibility to have a second chance.

So yes, I would have left if there were no children. And yes, I didn't think we would get this far, but I had to try. If there was not dramatic improvement, I would not still be in the M. And when it's all said and done, I still can't guarantee I will still be in the M in the future, regardless of whatever improvements have happened.

BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1486 | Registered: Jun 2011
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

We had three kids under age 9 on DDay. If we had none, I guarantee it would have been over THAT DAY. But our story is a bit on the extreme side. I cannot imagine why anyone without kids to consider would stay with infidelity as extreme as our case.

I am not attempting R "for the kids". I want to be able to tell my kids, if we do D, that I did everything in my power to save the M and the family unit. I understand I am taking the risk of losing their respect for attempting R with a man capable of what he has done, if/when they ever find out, even if it is their father.

I am taking a huge risk staying at all, and you better believe I am positioning myself for the best outcome for me and the kids if R fails. And I am prepared to leave the M, at a moment's notice, if I ever feel they are not in a setting that is in their best interests at this time. And their best interests include what is best for me, indirectly. And WH knows this, and will leave if I ask. It is one of many consequences he has had to face as a result of his choices, and he greatly cherishes any possibility to have a second chance.

So yes, I would have left if there were no children. And yes, I didn't think we would get this far, but I had to try. If there was not dramatic improvement, I would not still be in the M. And when it's all said and done, I still can't guarantee I will still be in the M in the future, regardless of whatever improvements have happened.

BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1486 | Registered: Jun 2011
Member # 33902
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

BH here. It definitely made an impact on my decision to R. On DDay my 4 ysar old daughter and keeeping her world glued together is all I could think about.

We went through the agony of the failed fertity gauntlet Before deciding to finally adopt. I still cannot belive my FWW would so selfishly jeopardize the family we stuggled so long to have. I stayed becaused my daughter deserved me to fight for the family I promised her when I committed to be her father. She has had in her life a Birth Mom, a Foster Mom, and a Forever Mom. I'm the only Dad. I'll be damned it I'm going to give up and walk out and let some other man raise her.

Now... had we no kids. This would have been the final straw. FWW has used the A behavior as some kind of twisted coping mechanism far too many times in our realtionship. The time before this I said the next time it happens I would walk. Then we had a family... and I'm still here.

[This message edited by Crumbled324 at 6:55 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)]

BH: 46
fWW: 45
Beautiful 8 year old daughter
Married 22 years, Together 28 - High School Sweethearts

Posts: 87 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Michigan
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

I gave FWH a chance to reconcile with me because we still had a young adolescent child at home. I also love him, but I don't know if I would have given him the chance if we didn't have a child at home.

I am glad I gave him a chance.

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9853 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 31043
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

I have given this a lot of thought. A lot. I would not have stayed only for my three kids. I chose the R path because that held the best possible outcome for my kids. I am thankful every day that I stayed and this wasn't the dealbreaker I always thought it would be.

Me: BH 50
her: fWW 41
Married 19 years
3 Beautiful Kids (14,8,6)
D-Day: 1-26-11
Status: Reconciled
"From Happy to Separated to Divorcing to living together again in 16 Days."

Endeavor to Persevere

Posts: 425 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Va
Member # 38307
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

I would probably have tried after D day, but the lies that followed would have been a deal breaker if we didn't have kids. I have to at least try to keep their family together.

Together 27 years, married 18
2 Affairs, same OW 24 years ago and 2010-2012
3 young kids
DDay 11/12/12. NC broken 12/27/12 and 1/6/13

Posts: 53 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 32665
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

BH here,

The first few days I was in a shocked daze.

The kids were definately a BIG part of why I desperately wanted R. I just could not accept the fact that my familys life was over as I knew it. I was still under the illusion that my W was who I wanted her to be not the person she is.

The odd thing is I wanted R more then than WW, now WW is justified in her concern that D may still be in our future.

The TT continues along with the deceptions even though the deceptions now have nothing to do with A's, just how she chooses to live her life.

I am stronger now and now believe that the kids will somehow be okay if their mother decides not to do the work required to be a healthy person/wife.

If I discover ANY indication in the future of my W moving toward another A then I am GONE!!

Me: BH
Her: WW
Together 18 years
M 17
D day 2010
4 young children
Every secret in a marriage is a lie...I'm tired of being lied too.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Mayberry to Hell to Limboville
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

In my case, there were a lot of factors that I considered to try and explain her behavior, and a long history together, and based on that I decided to work through it and try to R. No children were involved. Probably would have worked, but she did not work on herself, and ended up doing it again after 4 years, and that was it.

Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.

Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

BW here.
I took WH back because I didn't want our 4 kids to live in a single parent home.
If we had no kids, I would never stay with someone who would do something like this to me.

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1403 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 38437
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

Initially yes, even though our daughter was 21 and away in college and living her own life. I still wanted to protect her. WH had always been a great dad. I didn't tell her about the A until 8 months after DDAy, because she was home and overheard us was a really bad arguement and I thought it was the end of I figured it was time she knew. Anyway, once she knew it kind of was a relief, because I had felt like I was "acting" every time she was with us. Now she knew why I hadn't been myself. She told me she would understand if I left him...and so once that was said I no longer had her as a reason to stay. Then it became clear that I wanted to try and R because I love him.

Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12

Posts: 155 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, February 14th (Thursday)

The kids are the reason I believe that I didn't end it on d day. I don't know if we will make it through this, but I need to be able to tell my kids (when they are adults) eventually that I did everything I could to preserve our family.
Edited for clarity

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 2:43 AM, February 14th (Thursday)]

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, February 14th (Thursday)

If we had not had children, I don't think I'd have reconciled, but the truth is you don't know.

BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1020 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, February 14th (Thursday)


I certainly don't think divorce is the worst thing for kids. At all. Toxic marriages are, especially those where one spouse continually craps on another. This is a huge reason I'm considering D right now. I'm wondering if it'd be better for the kids given the things WH has done to me/us. When I write that I think, "nope, not staying for the kids."

On the other hand, if we had no kids, I would have said adios at D-Day 1. Because WH and I are rockin' co-parents and I love us as a unit, I decided to give him another chance. Part of why I love him so much is our parental awesomeness. If that wasn't there...I don't know.

This is not to say that I stayed (or might choose to stay) ONLY because of the kids. But they are sort of the bottom line, all things being equal factor, you know?

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, February 14th (Thursday)

With my first H, I did try to R for some time (over 2 years) because we had three kids together.

Ultimately, after he was given another chance he cheated yet again, with yet another OW. I filed for a D two days after the final D-day in that M. Our youngest kids were only 2 and 4 at the time.

In my current M, we do not have kids together and in fact, blended family issues were more destined to break us up than to keep us together. However the kids were mostly grown and gone by the time of the A and they were not an issue that would have any impact on us staying together, or not. The reason we successfully R'd was because he was immediately and extremely remorseful, and I was able to forgive him. I'm glad I did. We are closer than we have ever been (6.5 years later).

Posts: 5764 | Registered: Apr 2006
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, February 14th (Thursday)

My first thought was of our children. Although they are all adults (late 20's, early 30's), I did not want them to feel this kind of pain. I went through this with my parents when I was in my teens and it was terrible.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table on D-Day, in shock, saying "the kids will absolutely hate you." I knew I needed time to sort through what I was dealing with and I chose to keep it between us for the time being.

The other factor in not telling them is selfish. I'm the type who comforts everyone and this is one time I need to focus on myself. If the kids knew, I know I'd put my own needs aside to help them heal.

It's not always easy. The passage of time has helped. Our R is going well but my H knows that if there's ever the slightest slip-up, all bets are off the table.

So, for now, I guess it can be said that our kids saved our marriage as they were my first consideration in dealing with this horrific mess.

BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 35013
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, February 14th (Thursday)

I'm choosing to work on my marriage. But I'm choosing this with the thought that my children didn't ask to be here. I don't want to D if I haven't completely worked towards making things better. I don't want them to look at me, either way, and see someone who is broken and doesn't work on things. My oldest son knows - I do know I am not still here working on things because he knows. I'm here because I choose to try to save something that can possibly be saved. And I am trying incredibly hard to see my WH as someone who is broken inside and not someone who is evil and purposefully hurt me.

That all being said - I still don't know if we will be together in the end. It's a lot to handle. I will say, tho, that if I had known he cheated in the first year of our relationship (he got a blowjob from his ex on the day before her wedding and then took me to her wedding) I think I might not have stayed with him and in the end not married him.

WH 54
DD1 7/21/08, over a year to get the whole story out.
Married 22 1/2 years - together 24 1/2 yrs
4 kids
Trying to R
No one should know more about your life than you. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? God, I hope so.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, February 14th (Thursday)

Yes, I would have walked away by now if it weren't for our kids.

And to clarify: I'm not a believer in staying "just for the kids". I will not stay in a toxic marriage, only to teach my daughters what an unhealthy relationship is. I have had a few friends/family suggest that it's always best to avoid divorce, no matter what, and I do not agree with that. I fully intend on having a healthy, happy marriage again someday, but I'm only putting in the amount of effort to keep our family together.

Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, February 14th (Thursday)

Our kids were grown and out of the house by Dday. So, from my point of view, they're not the reason we're reconciling. I wish to recover a semblance of the relationship we had before she chose to cheat.

It still seems like the appropriate decision to me now, almost 3 years after Dday.

Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, February 14th (Thursday)

It's definitely a factor for me. Our DS wants and needs both of his parents, and even though he's made it clear that if we separate I'm his choice, I do feel like it's better for him to have both of us.

If we hadn't had him, this would have been over a decade ago, so he would never have gotten the chance to destroy my self-respect.

Me (BS) 42 - Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1; DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2; DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger. A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
New Member
Member # 33170
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, February 14th (Thursday)

If we had no kids I would've packed my bags and left that night. Trying to R, but I still feel like the kids are the only reason I'm still here.

Me:30 BS
Him:30 WS
Three loving daughters
D-Day: August 15, 2011 with his co-worker

"All I wanna do is trade this life for something new, holding on to what I haven't got"

Posts: 41 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: maryland
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, February 14th (Thursday)

If I had known that his first A was a PA instead of an EA, then I probably would still have stayed and tried to work in out. We didn't have kids at that time.

Knowing the full truth and throwing in two LTA's, I can say for sure that the kids kept me from leaving immediately. Although my WH is a SA and I have maintaned throughout that I will not subject myself and my kids to living with a SA who is not in recovery. And we have been separated because of that.

Me-BS (41)
Him-SAWH (41)
Together 25 years, married 21 years
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!

Posts: 856 | Registered: Feb 2010
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, February 14th (Thursday)

I'm divorced, but I would have filed MUCH sooner if we hadn't had kids. In fact, I would have filed 20 years ago when he walked out on me, and not waited so long for him to come home, or given him that second chance, if we hadn't had kids.

Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
Member # 34080
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, February 14th (Thursday)

Ditto for originally agreeing to R because of the kids. In the aftermath of Dday I did not want to R and felt obligated because of my kids and their individual needs. Divorce would have been really hard on them. Fortunately, my FWH did the work and was extremely remorseful so that 4 years later I am content with my decision to R as the right thing to do. I love my FWH very much, he is a good man (again) but there will likely always be a part of me that is reserved and not open to loving him. I love him enough but not as much as I did before his A.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 38215
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, February 15th (Friday)

Having kids was a part of the equation. He had left and was living with the OW at one point. And though he never introduced them to her, I thought about that happening.

The first time they got in his car to "spend a day with dad" and I sat home alone...was a hell of a day. My whole world drove off that day.

I wanted to raise these kids with him...and I didn't want to lose them on holidays and every other weekend. I am not sure I could bear it. And in our house...I'm mom. I remember the towels and bug spray and hair brush and elastics and extra socks and a sweatshirt and permission slips, homework projects, birthday parties....that wasn't his gig really. The kids needed me. And truth be told so did he.

The kids were part of reconciling...yeah. But...I knew he loved me too. He was deluded, saying he didn't, hadn't, and didn't feel loved. But...I knew it was fog. Of course he loves me. Hello. I never believed him when he said he wasn't in love with me. I just insisted that I would love him enough for the both of us until he woke up from whatever mid-life crisis he was having.

He did wake up. And...I'm glad. I love him. And he wrote me the nicest letter for Valentines day. Essentially saying our best years are ahead of us, and that nurturing our family has been great, but he's looking forward to those years, YEARS together.

And I am too.

BW, reconciled since 2009,
Him 42
Kids 3 Teens

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: NY
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, February 15th (Friday)

Kind of... They're all grown but I still didn't want to show up at weddings, holidays and grandchildren things separately... Our kids would be heartbroken if we split, even now...
I stayed because after his second affair I said to myself, "in sickness and in health." he was sick, simply broken. maybe still is... But I'm giving him the opportunity and time to get better....

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5344 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 34131
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, February 15th (Friday)

BH here,

The ONLY reason my wife is still in this house is because of my two children.

If I had no kids, she would have been gone, day one, no doubt.

I have vows to my wife and kids to protect and support them, and I owe it to them, not her, to try and keep it together for their sake.

She is the one that threw it away with the A, and they shouldn't have to suffer any more heartache than necessary.


Me, BS-54
DD, 1/9/2011

Posts: 180 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 30198
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, February 15th (Friday)

I can say for certain I would not have tried to R if we didn't have a child together. In our case, I'm not sure the infidelity would have happened if we had not had children, though. That was the start of a downward spiral for my WW

Kids, and money......or I would have never laid eyes on WW ever again.

BH-42 WW-40 DD-5 DD-9 DD-11
D-Day 09/27/2010 Wayward wife had a 10 month A with married DB co-worker Separated Oct. 2013

Posts: 709 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Canada
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, February 15th (Friday)

Yes. I have stayed because of the kids. Mostly because I don't trust wh or his family to take care of them during his time with them (cookies and pizza every night is NOT a healthy diet!!!) and because I hate the thought of missing out on time with my kids because of him.

I also refuse to allow ow2 anywhere near my children so if we split and he went back to her I would probably be in big trouble....

That said I believe we never would have married had we not gotten pregnant with dd in the first place. I think it was because our parents both insisted we marry before she was born that it happened.

I was willing to leave after ow1 (ea) even with dd until I found out I was pregnant with DS one week to the day of setting him up by replying to his personal ad. We nearly lost dd and I feared the same with DS. It was a terrible pregnancy like dd but not as bad and DS wasn't in the NICU. Cheater or not I wanted him to have as much time with his son if things went bad.

Posts: 3236 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, February 15th (Friday)

Kids were the deciding factor. I could not imagine some other woman raising my kids part-time. I don't need WH for the money, I have too much self-respect to stay with someone who would cheat on me for two years and lie to my face. BUT I don't want to lose my kids half the time. It was the trip to the divorce attorney where the reality of joint custody was brought home to me that promted me to reconcile. I never in my life imagined I would stay with someone who would treat me liked WH did, but then again, I also never imagined loving my kids so much. It's tough, it's always the sacrifice - just the opposite of affair behavior.

Posts: 631 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 34772
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, February 16th (Saturday)

This is a hard question that takes alot of introspection to say the least. We have 3 young boys, and I can say they were certainly 99.9% of what I stayed in for initially. I never want to be a part-time dad with weekend visitation, I never want my boys to have a step dad (or two, or three), I never want my boys to think that they were they cause of our split (at 6, 3 nad 1 1/2, the damage of a split would have been long lasting for sure).

That said, if they had been older, say teenagers, I would have packed up and left fairly quickly. Would I have filed for D? I don't know. I know that I was drug through the mud with my W's A's over a period of 8 years, and her cold reality that she was "never really into the M" her words as she came clean as to her Why's for all the infidelity really cut me deep and they do to this day.

Today she is almost a year sober, managing her bipolar disorder fairly well and been an all-around better person. She tells me she loves me, cherishes our M now and is completely devoted to me, but God damn, that sure did take blowing up the universe to get her to this point. And even now, I question many things. I know her permiscuity didn't begin with me; in fact it has spanned throughout all her adolescence and into her 30's, so for me to believe that overnight (or over a relatively short time period rather in perspective to her life's actions and thinking) she is madly in love with me now and wanting to be 100% faithful for all years to come is a farcry, honestly.

If she ever strays again, I will leave and sadly my family will have to feel the impact of the consequences for the years to come. But, if she stays the course of honesty, fidelity, devotion and sobriety from here on out, I cannot see myself leaving her and the boys. They are ALL too important to me. True, she will never "love" me the way I truly needed to be loved and still do, but she is at least giving me what she seems capable of without a veil of lies covering it all.

Like I said, very hard question to answer.

ME-BH (40)
HER-WW (30)
Married 5 years, together 8 years
3 Kids, all boys, 6, 3 and 1.
DDay #1 - 4/09 EA and PA with coworker
DDay #2 - 6/10 (Nude pics to 2 men)
DDay #3 2/12 gave a stranger a blowjob in a parking lot
DDay #4 3/12 nude pics to OM1

Posts: 87 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: michigan
Member # 38170
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, February 16th (Saturday)

Thank you for all of your responses!

WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, February 16th (Saturday)

I would not have tried to R if we didn't have children, but with all the changes both of us are making I now stay for us as well

M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, February 16th (Saturday)

We're working on R, he's not doing all the work but doing some of it. Whether he kicks in and does it all remains to be seen and is affected by a lot of travel (also a problem), and an active toddler.
I DEFINITELY decided to give R a go because of our child (which he desperately wanted, go figure!), who was 3 mos old on DDay. Nearly killed myself, also didn't do that due to baby needing me. But if I hadn't have had the beautiful DS I had? I would have packed my bags and moved back home IMMEDIATELY (in another country now)!
I don't know if it's going to work. He ended the A before I found out, but it was an LTA and continued until our son was born, which makes me just sick. Don't know if I can get over all this knowing our past (which he was well aware of and chose to do these things anyway). It was a dealbreaker for me, and may still be. Not sure how we'll be, but something has to give soon or I'll be packing our bags (and our furbabies) and never returning. He can go live in my country if he so wants to work on it, and find a job he doesn't have to travel for! None of it would have been an issue if he would just have been faithful...
It sucks to go from joyous to misery in two seconds flat.

Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 181 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, February 16th (Saturday)

I took the children out of the equation, for the most part.

I told WH (and also meant it for myself) that if he was only staying for the children, then he could go. That I deserved better than that, that I deserved to be loved for me. Because it was on each of the DDays that my heart was ripped apart - not my concerns for my children, although those thoughts came afterwards, but my heart. Ironically, it was discovering it all that made me realise how much I love WH, much more than I knew.

I want us to grow old together and not be one of those couples that split once the children have gone. If it had just been about the children, then we would not be together now.

Having said all that, on the hardest days, when everything felt numb and blank, seeing him with the children kept me going and reminded me of one of the reasons why I love him.

Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, February 16th (Saturday)

I stayed until my youngest son graduated from high school, and filed for divorce two days later. If I had filed sooner there is a good chance my son wouldn't have finished school. I felt that it was my obligation to see this child through to high school....the cost was very high and took a huge toll on me emotionally, spiritually, mentally, psychologically, and physically. I do not regret that choice. All of my kids are now in college (except the one who is now a lawyer) and I am too. I guess you have to decide on what is the priority in your life and go with that choice. For me it was definitely that my kid finish at least high school and he's been in college almost 2 years now. We functioned on a mostly civil level on the surface, but I was doing all of the spy work I could and it wore me out. At least I knew for a fact what I was divorcing.

Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3698 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, February 16th (Saturday)

My kids are 21 and 15, but even if they were little it would have no effect on why I am committed to R with my WS.

I am staying because I love him and I believe he can be helped with his problem of SA. If he had an addiction to alcohol or drugs I would stay with him provided he was doing all he could to recover.

It's better for children to come from a broken home than to live in one.

I am not judging anyone that stays for the sake of the kids, but for me personally it had no bearing on why I am staying to work it out.

ME-BS 48
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, February 16th (Saturday)

I guess in a way I, the BS, am too selfish to stay for the kids. Staying for the kids never crossed my mind. As a matter of fact I think reconciling was probably harder on our eldest (he knew) than divorcing would have been.
My kids were older 18 and 15. Had they been younger I am sure they would have been a huge factor in my decision to stay or leave.

DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1463 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
New Member
Member # 37092
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, February 17th (Sunday)

In my situation I would have left if we didn't have a baby. The main reason for that is that the OW just had his child about a week ago. I have wanted kids all my life and to know that he gave that to her (although not intentionally) and not to me would have been to much fur me to handle.

I think if we didn't have a kid and he didn't get her pregnant I may have stayed and at least attempted reconciliation.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, February 17th (Sunday)

Children had nothing to do with mine. I decided because he never blamed me, he was very remorseful from the second I found out. But mainly because I love him. He is a good man who made bad choices.

BW- 48
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.

Posts: 1106 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, February 18th (Monday)

I can say without a doubt, that I would have been out the door and never looked back, after the first time my WH cheated on me, if we hadn't had a baby at the time. Every time I took him back, it was because of the children. And the only time I reconciled with him this last time after he walked out on us, was because of the kids. That's the cold hard truth.

BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do

Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, February 18th (Monday)

We have a DS, but I did not stay because of our child. It was very obvious to DS that we were in big trouble, but I worked very hard to shield him from the fact that his dad had an A and was not willing, for a long time, to give her up. Until the OW came to our house and FWH let her in.

That was actually the point we were closest to divorce, because he let her in the house while our DS was there.

D was a viable option for me because of our DS. I did not want him to learn it was ok to lie, cheat, keep secrets, and break vows. R was more selfish, for me, I think. Because it meant our DS had to live with that slow painful process. I feel bad about that, actually.

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 879 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, February 18th (Monday)

Having 5 children, being a sahm who homeschools did play into my decision to a degree, yes. But ultimately if he wasn't willing to work on our marriage, I was willing to let go.

[This message edited by SamanthaBaker at 9:29 PM, February 18th (Monday)]

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
New Member
Member # 38233
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, February 18th (Monday)

I'm not technically in R. I actually moved out two weeks after D-Day. The fact that it took two weeks to leave is due to the fact that we have a child together.

Before D-Day I swore that I'd be out the door the minute someone cheated on me. On D-Day I was stopped cold in my tracks by the thought of my daughter. My parents weren't together and I had a very rough childhood because my mom put every guy she met before me. Somehow my brain has linked all of that to my parents not being together even though I know that makes no sense.

It took two weeks to leave because I was afraid that me leaving would make my daughter blame me for breaking up the family and that our relationship would strain. She's a girl after all, and how many guys get custody of their daughters? Even if I had custody, I can't teach her to be a woman. Then I tried to convince myself that my wife's actions weren't that bad. I could get over it somehow.

In the end I left because the anger and hatred inside started to boil over and I found myself taking it out on my daughter. I was too frustrated to play with her, I was too consumed by my own hurt to read stories and be the silly daddy that she knows. I was yelling and making her go to time out for no good reason.

Plus my wife was still talking to OM behind my back. It was the hardest decision I've ever made, but I left. Three weeks later, I still break down wondering if I've put her on track for a screwed up life with daddy issues.

D-Day: January 2013
Me, BH: 31
Her, WW: 31
Married 10 years
Kids: Daughter, 3
Divorced: Sep 2013

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 37611
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, February 18th (Monday)

I have a 1yo and 4yo. At 3 mos post dday I feel like I would be long gone if it wasn't for the kids. Maybe its good to give me a reason to be patient and grounded for a while. I am giving myself a year. But if I feel like this on 10/28/13 I will leave. My kids deserve to have 2 happy loving parents. Together if possible, but seperate if needed.

33 years old (Wh and me)
Married 10 years
2 children: 4yo and 1yo
Dday#1 10/28/12
Dday#2 12/24/12 (Merry Christmas)
Affair: 3+ years (as far as I know) w/my best friend of 14 years

Posts: 71 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Beautifulmom
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, February 18th (Monday)

My reasons for reconciling change from week to week Remorsefulgirl.

On Dday? My kids were my top priority, but not in the way other BS have described. I wasn't worried about them being from a divorced home. I just didn't want them being in a household with MOW who hates kids and is an alcoholic. I initially reconciled to make sure WH ended his A so my children would not be exposed to her.

Those of us, BS and WS alike, with children must always take them in to account when we ponder whether to R or D.

Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 916 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 37458
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, February 19th (Tuesday)

Funny that this gets brought up, just last weekend WH and I were talking about this.

He seems to think that I'm staying for the kids. I think the children do take up some of the percentage on why I stay. But if he wasnt doing the work and helping us heal, children or no children, I would have left. I want to be happy and have trust and honesty in Any relationship.

Im pretty sure that my Wh doesnt believe that I stay "just for the kids" I think I proved that in Dec on our 3rd dday. I was so done with trying. And then he "got it" and has been working very hard. I wont go thru another dday, I have told him this. 21 years together, 2kids and our whole lives intertwined, I will just walk away from it ALL if he does it again.

BS (Me): 37
WH: 40

Dday: March 2011 (found out EA Phone records)
2nd Dday: June 18, 2011 (OW told me about WH secret phone)
3rd Dday: December 13, 2012 (found evidence WH stalking Ow on FB)
4th Dday: February 4, 2013 (confession of 2nd secret

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: East Coast
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, February 19th (Tuesday)

My kids are the reason I chose to R. Had there been no children the outcome would have been different. I was the child of a cheating father and had a chaotic childhood and then they finally divorced. I never had a normal family and it was probably the single most important thing in the world to me was for my children to have a whole family. That said it has to be a happy family and I am not about to be married to a cheater and set that example. My husband is doing a lot of hard work and I have firmly set my boundaries and dealbreakers.

All that said, yes, the decison to R was based upon my children.

Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 424 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
Member # 38132
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)

If I did not have four great kids, there is no question I would be gone. I would not have allowed myself esteem from my WW's A to drive me to thoughts of suicide. I would have move on for sure. Her poor decisions pretty much vanquished 20 years of what I thought was a good marriage and a relationship that lasted almost 30 years. Now I'm the one on MEDS and I'm the one who's lost 25lbs and must buck up and hold this family and myself together for the sake everyone including my WW.

BS 54 Male
WS 46 Female
DDay 12/28/2012
LTA from 1993-January 2007 (14 years)

In relationship since Feb 1984
Married July 15, 1997

4 kids, 16YOD, 15YOS, 11YOT boys.

[This message edited by Smittygds at 9:06 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Las Vegas
Member # 36871
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)

I think we both stayed because of the kids he stayed and chose to have an affair instead of leave because of the kids I stayed after DDay because I thought I loved him now that my feelings are fading I'm staying because of the kids

Me/BS - 41 him/WS - 42 2-boys 11&4
DD- Aug 2011 plus several in the months that followed ~ He said "I just needed someone to talk to" I asked if "Oprah was hiding in her panties" he wasn't amused!

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)

Without a doubt - if it weren't for the kids I would have walked on DD.

EA 18 years ago - found out and ?NC
LTA - 2005-2011 with same woman
DD 2011

Posts: 346 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)

We decided to R for us. Of course we think of our boys but we want to be together now and when they make their way out of the home.

We are so much more than the A.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
New Member
Member # 35860
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)

It wasn't just for the kids. I know my children won't be happy if they have an unhappy mom. I chose to try for us.

DD~May 30, 2012
Currently working on R
My 3 beautiful children~~16, 12, and 9.

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 27546
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)

First reconciliation had nothing to do with our son. I honestly believed my ex had made a terrible mistake and had learned from it.

After that?

Purely for my son.

Because my ex would go rounds with adultery, addiction, and abuse.

My state is EXTREMELY "father friendly". There are dads in prison for hurting their kids who still have court ordered visitation with their kids. But most never go to prison. Because wides testimony is discounted as biased, and kids either aren't allowed to testify, or are scared into not testifying, or DO testify, and after a weekend anger management seminar... Dad gets half custody.

So I stayed through 3 years of Affairs & pseudoRs, 3 years of abuse & countless affairs.

Until one night he fractured my noggin in front of our son, and I filed for divorce.

And now?

Dad has 50/50 custody.



"Another conversation killed awkwardly! Yes! Point to my side." - Chesh's Brother

Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
Divorced! 2013

Posts: 571 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: West Coast US
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)

100% for the kids. One was a newborn at d day and it sucked giving him to wh and ow every weekend. When wh dumped ow, I wanted to r for the kids.

Even now, I question if I will be in this marriage in say 10 years when the baby is in high school or 15 when everyone's an adult. I will still be relatively young -40s- and the thought of starting over after I get them raised is appealing

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 8099
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, February 24th (Sunday)

I stayed for the children. Even though they had left school the incidence of broken relationships amongst the children of people who have experienced infidelity in their relationship rises by 50%. On my instruction the affair was only known to my wife, her AP and myself. While I suspect that the AP's wife and my children may have had an inkling that something was wrong, in hindsight in the case of my children they see that period as a time that their mom was just being 'otherwise'. I didnt want my children damaged through her selfish actions.

We are now reconciled. I am here because I choose to be here not because I am in any way obligated to be here. That having been said, I wish that I had learned the weaknesses that are common in many if not most people and which frequently end up in infidelity some other way. Our relationship is now based on reality which doesnt have the same magic as one that has not been tarnished by infidelity!

Posts: 469 | Registered: Sep 2005
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, February 24th (Sunday)

I would of divorced him had I not had kids.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3190 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, February 24th (Sunday)

I would of divorced him had I not had kids.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3190 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, February 24th (Sunday)

I would of divorced him had I not had kids.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3190 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
New Member
Member # 35454
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, February 24th (Sunday)

This question has been on my mind a lot. Thanks for posting.

Together 16 years
Multiple EA over 2 years
9 month long EA/PA with my friend.
Dday5-a few weeks later

"I can't escape my own escape."

Posts: 10 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Hell on earth
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, February 25th (Monday)

My children are one of the reasons I am trying to R with WH. I told WH if we did not have kids I would have left. We did separate for a while and it was very hard on the kids - an eye opening event that made us realize it was not just us effected. WH understands this and he says his is working on himself. My kids are almost out of high school. I am giving us those years to see if he we can improve our marriage. I think it takes a few years to see if R is possible. Overall our marriage is not abusive. I just needed to believe in myself.

Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'

Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)

Not knowing any better, my kids were the only reason I initially chose recovery, and to make it confusing, there were times in my marriage where I wished I caught my wife cheating so that I could end my marriage. I was a basket case, and was merely lucky I chose recovery.

[This message edited by still-living at 8:56 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)]

WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 787 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
Member # 38459
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, February 28th (Thursday)

I stayed for the children. I didn't want her mistake to change their lives forever. I knew that she would get custody (given in my state) and wasn't sure that she could tend to their needs in the mental state that she was in.

BS(me) 50
fWS 41
M 13 yrs
2 kids (9-11)

Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Gulf Coast
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, February 28th (Thursday)

We had a fulfilling, loving, fun and peaceful marriage for 12 years. We were a great team in many ways, and our sex life was creative and hot.

WH told his AP that we were only together for the kids. And from my perspective, by having an affair he made that come true.

Maybe some day I'll feel differently about our marriage.

Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, March 2nd (Saturday)

To be honest....I would have left the night I found out. Does that mean I would not have caved had he pursued Does that mean I love him any But breaking four hearts does not seem worth leaving over one affair.

Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, March 2nd (Saturday)

I would have divorced if it wasn't for the kids. Hard to reallu think about though. Can't really imagine what path we would be on without our kids. I never would have been a SAHM, I would have been able to be on my own and not so scared. I *think* I would have divorced him. Hard to say I guess unless I was actually in the situation.

I am still in R for more reasons than the kids. But I started for them.

Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
New Member
Member # 37201
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, March 2nd (Saturday)

BS here - the kids are not technically my WS's but he has been a better dad to them than their biological dad. If he wasn't so close to them - a D would have been much higher in my mind. When I think of the consequences of a D, they revolve more around the kids it seems. Sucks to admit that ;(

WS (me) 45- Dday was 9/20/2012
Wife 41 (sodamnlost on SI)
Together 9 years, married 5
Stepdad to 6 amazing kids (22, 21, 16, 15, 12, 10)

Trying wicked hard - never giving up.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Michigan
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, March 3rd (Sunday)

The last entry from sodamnsorry was me. , I didn't realize he was signed in when I posted. Sorry for the confusion.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, March 3rd (Sunday)

Not sure if I will stay and there are kids involved. Have to wait and see. What I do will be all about me.

"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
New Member
Member # 38697
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)

I'm staying for the kids as well. Well they were the deciding factor anyway. If we had not had children, I would've put all of his crap outside and changed the locks. But since we have them, and they my primary concern, I chose to stick it out and try to R. They are so little. Now if it doesn't work out - depends on my wh and his actions- then I will file for the D. But I'm trying to give him a chance.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)

Divorce would have been immediate if not for the kids-I have to think of thier best interest, not mine.

time wounds all heels

Posts: 5398 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)

Dup post from Feb.

[This message edited by DWBH at 2:22 PM, March 17th (Sunday)]

Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Member # 35975
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, March 14th (Thursday)

She would have been out on her ass had it not been for our kids.
More so had I known how little she would do to work on her issues the last three years.
It may still not work out for us.. Only time will tell...

Me BH40
Her WW41

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: California
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, March 14th (Thursday)

If not for the kids? Tough to say. My initial reaction is "no way" But I am not sure that's true...I mean..before the affair even with the kids, I would have said that an affair would end the marriage. It didn't. Answers to hypothetical's aren't always what we end up doing when faced with the reality of the situation.

Am I glad I stayed? More than anything.

My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.

Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, March 15th (Friday)

I would never stay for the children, I did give my WH the chance for R because of the children.

I truly believe I would have been gone once the truth fully came out if we did not have children together.

Me - BW 40
Him - FWH 39
Her - MOW 47 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
Member # 30720
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, March 15th (Friday)

I didn't stay only because of the children, but I certainly wouldn't have such a large collection of ddays in my signature if they didn't factor into the equation. I think DDay #3 probably would have ended it.

Me: BS, 34
Him: (SA/NPD)WH, 31
Multiple ddays since 2010 (Latest January 15th 2013) - not counting anymore!
FINAL FINAL DDay - August 8, 2014. I AM DONE!

Posts: 418 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: West Coast Canada
Member # 36228
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, March 15th (Friday)

I am giving the gift of R because I feel I need to give it my all before giving up.
I'm doing it for my son, of course, but also for us.
H has some serious FOO issues and once he works through them all I do belive that we can be genuinely happy again. If least I gave it a shot and put everything into it. No regrets no looking back.
Only time will tell......

Me: BS 33
Him: WS 40
Married 6 yrs, together 8 yrs
1 child

2 drunken ONS, on-again/off-again 1 year Affair
D-day Feb 2012
OW co-worker (they still work together)
Status: He killed our marriage! Working on a new one...

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, March 16th (Saturday)

I love my husband, but I would certainly be divorced right now if we did not have kids together.

Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, March 16th (Saturday)

I stayed for the kids, originally.

Then, I left for the kids. I couldn't let them grow up seeing that this was what marriage was.

Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 9

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.

Posts: 4491 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, March 16th (Saturday)

I am five months out from D day. Three days ago I would have said only for the kids. Today fora moment I felt a twinge of..... For me?

Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, March 16th (Saturday)

I would have left immediately if we didn't have kids. He worked with his MOW and admitted to not regretting what he did. The pain was so unbelievably immense.

I attempted to R with him for over 8 months after DDay. It was all false R because he kept lying and hiding. BECAUSE of our kids I divorced him. I had to set an example of how a husband should treat his wife and that women should not be treated like shit. I want to break the cycle of abuse.

Honestly... the kids are doing so much better now that we are divorced. They actually spend more time with their father now (we currently live over 60 miles apart) then when we lived under the same roof.

Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 28566
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, March 16th (Saturday)

When you have 20+yrs. of marriage, a mortgage, and children it makes a huge difference! It would have been easy to just pack his crap and throw the boxes to the curb along with him. I love my FWH, but my life as a whole would have been destroyed along with my children, so I decided to stay. If it ever happens again, I will not hesitate to kick him to the curb, since that's what my oldest daughter said to do when I busted him!

Three amazing kids 20, 18 & 15.
D-day #1- EA with Bi-polar Ow Jan. 2010
D-day #2-EA with very unattractive co-worker
Sept. 18th 2014
I'm married to a narcissistic, compartmentalizing asshat!!!!!

Posts: 263 | Registered: May 2010 | From: ohio
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, March 17th (Sunday)

I stayed with XWH#1 for 20+yrs because of the kids. I finally had enough on the last DDay and kicked him to the curb. My kids both have extreme FOO issues becuase of the D.

WH#2 and I have no children together. All the children are now grown and gone. The reason I attempted R was because I loved my husband and didn't want to believe he was really the person he had become. On DDay#2 I finally realized he was that person. He thinks we are in R now, but he continues to rug sweep his LTA. I have reasons to be here now, but love for him and kids are not the reason.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 113