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User Topic: Support for BS that WS used prostitutes
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, February 28th (Thursday)

I would love for this thread to be devoted to those of us that our WS went to prostitutes so we can share our stories and the unique pain,shame, and betrayal that goes with this type of cheating. Hope to see some other members post here for support.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, February 28th (Thursday)

My XH was apparently with more of them than he could count in our 13 years of M. This was long before I knew of SI, and I mostly just dealt with it on my own.


It is in the long past and at times I have mixed feelings about my own continued participation on this discussion board because I successfully blocked out so much of that first M (I divorced him in 1992-93) before reading about so many other "similar" experiences here on SI that have even caused me to wonder why I was not more curious, and did not try to find out more answers than I did.

My XH ended up marrying the final OW (who was not a prostitute). They have been married over 20 years. Lucky her. NOT!

I grew up rather naive in many ways. The ugly world of prostitution is something I can not deal with, nor do I I wish to know details of how that all works. It is too gross to me and I don't want to know and never asked for any details.

And I have three kids with this man (all grown and all amazingly brilliant and successful). Some of my siblings remain friends with him to the point they take vacations with him and his WIFE! I do not want my siblings or our children to know the extent of how sick it all was. Yes, it is humiliating even though it is not our fault! I would die if our kids ever learned about this. They know about the cheating, in general with two different women, but they don't know about the prostitutes and other ONS.

Because I have kept quiet about that, I think some of my siblings think the D was "my fault."

This may not be what you want to hear but the thing that helped me to "deal" with it the best was to get a D.


Posts: 5730 | Registered: Apr 2006
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, February 28th (Thursday)

You are right about the shame. I don't mention it often but my dday came about because someone photocopied the arrest record from when ws was caught in a sting. I received it in the mail on the same day as 100 other people we knew. I need to move past that shame because I wasn't the one who went trolling for filthy trash.

Hugs to all.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6088 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, February 28th (Thursday)

You are right about the shame. I don't mention it often but my dday came about because someone photocopied the arrest record from when ws was caught in a sting. I received it in the mail on the same day as 100 other people we knew.

Oh my God. I am so sorry.

The ONS with an escort back in July 2010 is what brought me here in the first place. I believe that none of the other shit that happened afterward would have happened if not for the ONS. He never dealt with his shame about what he did in any kind of healthy way and it almost ended us. He was out of town with someone else, someone who does this kind of thing on the regular (unbeknownst to us at the time) and my H showed great weakness - he got drunk and went along with it. They ordered up a couple of call girls like late-night pizzas. I didn't know people who weren't crackheads actually used hookers but sadly I guess it's fairly freaking common.

I'm sorry to everyone who finds themselves here. ((HUGS)) all around.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6672 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, February 28th (Thursday)

This is a special kind of pain isn't it? Not only did they cheat, but they planned,which was many, many steps and in any of them they could have stopped and not done it.
The fact of cheating is horrible enough, but to know they paid to do it with trashy filth is beyond my understanding.
I never thought my WS would cheat, much less with whores.
Who would ever think of that?
I am trying to hard to move past the pain, heartbreak and self esteem issues.
My WS is a SA and they seem particularly drawn to whores, guess it's the secret part of it and the whole low self esteem they have that makes it so appealing to them.
I am so very sorry for both of you and very much understand your pain.
I have tormented myself these last 3 months on the details of what he did and the lies I know he is still telling me,but I have now decided to just let my mind face the biggest fears. The details of what he did with them that hurt so bad that he isn't admitting. The amount of times and whores it probably was, the money, locations, all of it.
I will never know the whole truth, but if I am going to stay and try to rebuild this I have to accept that he is lying and move on. What other choice do I have?


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, February 28th (Thursday)

I didn't know people who weren't crackheads actually used hookers but sadly I guess it's fairly freaking common.

I always thought it was only men who wanted something their wives don't do sexually, well, there isn't anything I don't do.

I also thought it was men who were lonely or never got sex.
Guess we found out that any man can do this

How in the hell can they do it? Knowing that 5 minutes earlier some other guy was in the same woman? Some men actually fool their self into believing the women actually want them.

That's the saddest part to me, hello! you paid them to fuck you and pretend they want you!

I also think many men do it so they can be with someone who looks a certain way. They can pick ones that have a nice ass, big tits, whatever it is they want. It's entitlement. They get it in their head that they deserve this type of woman, well, hell I deserve someone that looks like the guys from Supernatural but I wouldn't cheat to do it!

[This message edited by Tiredofthepain at 9:10 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, February 28th (Thursday)

I also think many men do it so they can be with someone who looks a certain way. They can pick ones that have a nice ass, big tits, whatever it is they want. It's entitlement

That's one thing that really bugged me at first. I kept asking him, what did he say when he called? Send over a blonde? Send over someone with big boobs? What is your fantasy fuck, my husband, because I know it isn't me?

That part doesn't bug me anymore. He doesn't even know what he said. You know what's nuts? Looking at the phone records, there were multiple calls back and forth to the service - and in between those calls, calls to me. Drunk-dialing middle of the night calls. I VAGUELY remember picking up at least once and talking to him. Probably laughing at him for being drunk and stupid.


ETA: I hate to say this - but I don't think I could ever accept that my H was lying and then move on. I think that's dangerous and puts you on shaky ground. If he cannot be honest about what he did in the past, what are the chances he will re-offend? We all have to draw our own lines. You definitely have choices - you can choose to stay and accept that he's lying. I know that would absolutely eat me alive like acid, but that's me. You can choose to say that if you don't feel you have the 100% truth, you're out. That's a valid and COMPLETELY understandable choice as well!

((HUGS))

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 9:30 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6672 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, February 28th (Thursday)

Well, the place he got them from was Backpage, so he could pick and choose which ones he wanted. God, I write that and not only can I not believe it, it makes me want to vomit.

I guess I keep hoping he will tell me the truth at some point.
I am hoping that his IC counselor can make him see he has to tell me the whole truth.
SA's are known liars. He of course tells me he has told me everything, but when something doesn't make sense, it's usually because we don't know the whole truth.
Is it possible he telling it all? Yes, but it's not probable.
He knows he can't fully recover from SA and rebuild this marriage if he is still lying so I am still holding out hope he will get the courage to tell if there is more. He has TT me for months on the details of what he did with them. I can live without knowing any more of that. I know enough. What I think he is lying about besides that is how many there were and how he contacted them.
Only he knows what he really did and until he can be strong enough to come clean with me, his recovery work won't mean shit and he knows that. It's up to him to decide if he can be strong enough and trust me enough to tell me everything.I am willing to wait because I know with SA they do this, they hide and minimize and lie, lie and lie. Until he stops he can't recover and no, I can't truly move on.
I guess I meant that I can move on not knowing the horrible details of what he did with them. What I do know kills me, but I am trying to handle it.
I finally realized that me needing to know every detail of what he did with them was only hurting me. So if I just accept in my mind that he did all of the things I fear he did with them, then I am facing my fear and I can move on from that..if that makes sense out of this nonsense

[This message edited by Tiredofthepain at 9:46 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, February 28th (Thursday)

The SA is a complication I don't understand - I know it's a very difficult thing for a spouse to deal with.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6672 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
JamieMc
Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, February 28th (Thursday)

To the OP, thanks for starting this thread, I sent you a PM, as well. There is lots of shame about being cheated on with hookers but the BS's shouldn't be the ones carrying that burden. My WH's story is a little different in that he picked up his first hooker outside of a strip club, claims he thought she was a stripper that just needed a ride. His story is that she then offered to give him a BJ in his car for $, which he agreed too then dropped her off at a bus stop. This happened more than 5 years ago. The second whore he admits
was also an unprotected BJ in his car. I found out about both on DD when he confessed, sad story is also in my profile. WH claims that his porn habit wasn't doing it for him anymore and then a strip club opened right up the road from his job. He actually had the balls to tell me he wouldn't have cheated if the club hasn't opened nearby:( He took a Poly which helped me to feel like I have as much info as I am gonna get.

[This message edited by JamieMc at 10:42 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
ladyvorkosigan
Member
Member # 8283
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, February 28th (Thursday)

I always thought it was only men who wanted something their wives don't do sexually, well, there isn't anything I don't do.
Yes there is. You don't prostitute yourself.

It's not the acts they're seeking, it's the arrangement.


It nagged him, in particular, that none of the girls he’d known so far had given him a sense of unalloyed triumph.

Posts: 14226 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Florida
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, February 28th (Thursday)

I have no idea if my X contacted "escort services." From what little I asked and he told, I know he was (still is) a truck driver and they would go knock on the door of his truck, so he said.

He was a compulsive liar but I used to be so darn trusting and naive that I believed that. Now, I hope to gosh that they don't randomly solicit truckers that are trying to sleep in their trucks, and that it was him that signaled somehow he was open to that. It seems more logical with what I have come to realize, even though that certainly doesn't make him any less disgusting...

We look for "I can relate topics" and yet in over six years on this forum, I have not seen one other person who was married to a trucker who was addicted to prostitutes. I'm sure they exist though. At this point in life, even though it doesn't mean anything in my current life, I am curious to know if prostitutes knock on doors of trucks without any signal the person in side would be "willing."


Posts: 5730 | Registered: Apr 2006
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, February 28th (Thursday)

I am so glad this thread is allowing all of us hurt in this particular way to vent, ask questions and just be there for each other. I am so sad today. Not angry, just so sad and hurt.

For the truck driver question, I do know whores hang around the places they park all of the time. I am sure many of them would knock on doors to get business. I mean if you think so little of yourself to advertise your nasty twat for sale online what won't you do?


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, February 28th (Thursday)

Yes there is. You don't prostitute yourself.

It's not the acts they're seeking, it's the arrangement.

Oh so true! It's so sickening that the women who do this think so little of their self to do and our WS thought so little of their self to be with them...and I thought I had low self esteem..


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, February 28th (Thursday)

JamieMc, I sent you one back
I hope this thread can help those of us here that need it..we need all the help we can get.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, February 28th (Thursday)

Bobbi, I remember a long time ago seeing a bumper sticker in a gas station. It showed a lizard wearing a blonde wig, lipstick, and a short dress with an X over it, and it said, "No Lot Lizards." I asked someone (I think it was my ex who loved his CB radio) what that meant, and he said lot lizards are hookers who hang around truck stops. The truckers put those stickers on their trucks if they want those "ladies" to leave them alone. That is just the way it was explained to me (my bf was not a trucker though). I do think what your H said about the women knocking at the trucks is feasible.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 10:20 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6672 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, March 1st (Friday)

Bobbi,
yes, what he described is completely accurate, as is the term "lot lizard"

Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, March 1st (Friday)

Oh, there is no doubt I heard the term "lot lizard." I would think, though, that at least a few truckers would actually get angry if a "lot lizard" randomly knocked on their door asking for a "date." What if there was a whole family in the truck, or a man and wife, etc?

This topic bothers me, well because my son now drives truck and takes after his father in so many ways. I do not believe he would cheat on his beautiful sweet wife who is stuck at home with two little kids on her own (talk about deja vu) but even the idea of lot lizards knocking on his door makes me

It is not something I really want to talk about in depth with my son, because as mentioned, my kids don't know about the extent of their father's cheating. My son in particular worships his father (so much so that he takes after him, obviously).

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 6:00 AM, March 1st (Friday)]


Posts: 5730 | Registered: Apr 2006
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, March 1st (Friday)

I was raised very conservatively and prostitutes were just something that I knew were "out there" but certainly not a part of MY life!

Then, while in the bed with mono, one Sunday I just felt like something was telling me to check my husband's computer - I had never done it before. Found a lot of porn.

Then, 2 months later, again, checked his computer. I saw a picture of his erect penis in the foreground, and a naked, dark, female body in the background. I know you might not believe this, but I HAD NO IDEA who or what it was. When he answered, "Its a prostitute" I actually died inside. My life has never been the same. There is a hole in my soul that will never be filled.

He told me that he was driving to his hotel (while out of town on business) and she flagged him down at a stop light - wanting a ride. He said he had no idea she was a prostitute. He said he would take her to the drug store. She asked if he wanted a bj. According to him he said no repeatedly, but finally "gave in". (So glad she didn't want him to rob a bank!)

I transfered the picture to my computer and spent HOURS every day zooming in on her face, her body, her expression. I obsessed.

Thank you for this thread, because today, almost 6 years later, I think the worst part to me is the "prostitute" element. For 6 years I have been trying to figure out a way for it not to be true. For my husband NOT to be the kind of man who would do this.

I am ashamed. I am horrified. I don't think I will ever get over it. And although I have pleaded with my husband for YEARS to 'work' on our marriage with me, he does not. He has too much guilt and shame to deal with it. Also, he has told me that he knows I will never get over it.

Maybe he is right. I know I have forgiven him - I just need him to be actively involved in the repair. He says he cannot forgive himself. It has ruined his life. It has ruined my life. He is a broken man. We are both miserable, and I feel we would be just as miserable if we divorced. So, we are together, but miserable.

Unlike one person who posted, I did not do just ANYTHING sexually with him. But he had never asked for anything that I had not tried. I don't know if that is partly the reason for his chosing her. He is disabled and sex is very different with him. He says it was only a bj, and he made her stop halfway through it, when he realized what he was doing. I even asked him at one point - "If it was just a bj, did she do that better than me?" Of course he said no. What else could he say?

I guess the same selfishness and weakness that enabled him to make that choice with the porostitute enables him to avoid facing it with himself or me.

I pray my defeatest attitude is partially due to my dday coming up in a week or so. The actual day he did it. I am a person of faith, and I guess there is a morsel of hope that I could feel connected to him in some way again at some point.

I'm so sorry if this is a t/j. And I am so very sorry for all of your pain.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 7:23 AM, March 1st (Friday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, March 1st (Friday)

I am sorry you have the need to be here, but this thread is for women like us so no need to apologize!

I am sure everyone is ashamed that their WS cheated, but there is special kind of humiliation to admit to yourself or others that they chose pure trash that they paid money to screw! I mean these weren't accidents. They didn't get too drunk at a party or bar and make a mistake. They planned this. My WS used loan money to buy whores. He would get change back from purchases to buy them and we do not have a lot of money.

I have not shared this with anyone, but our house needs a lot of work done to it and my youngest child needs a new bed. We had looked at beds last June and he just kept saying we couldn't afford it right now. He was screwing whores from late May to July.

Do you have any idea how that feels? I know he is a SA and that they don't behave in the same manner a "normal" cheater does,but this is just one element that it so hard to accept. Every time I see all of the things around here that need replacing or repair and know that he used money to buy sex instead keeps me so upset.

I was me that made the comment about doing anything sexually. We all have to remember this had nothing to do with us or what we do or don't do, or how we look or anything. Days like yesterday are harder for me to really get that, but it's true.

My WS would have done what he did no matter what. No matter where we live, where he works, how I look or how I am in bed.
I really began to believe this even more since he has admitted so much of his lifelong problem to me.
A couple of months after we moved in together he made 900 calls and for 20 years it never made sense to me why he would have done it. The relationship was new, the sex was awesome and things were great. He always said he was just curious, but since D-Day he has come clean a lot about his SA and he had been doing those calls long before he even knew me. Pieces of the puzzle.
He came into this relationship a SA, but even with the 900 calls, cyber sex and massive amounts of porn, I never thought of SA and never though it would escalate to cheating with whores, but it did. I wish I had realized just how bad how problem was.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, March 1st (Friday)

Tired...

I am so sorry for the added hurt and challenges you have in dealing with the SA.

As bizarre as it is for me to say this, I have even more respect for YOU, for staying and trying to work it out.

I have no understanding of SA, or how to address it. I wish you much strength and success.

And I hope that you will remember the kind and encouraging words you have given me here, when times get really hard.

Thank you.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
16forever
Member
Member # 37255
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, March 1st (Friday)

My WS used hookers to I didn't find out till he had a ea/pa with a high school friend there were 10 he says and the pain was something I can't quite name his were the first ten yrs of our marriage and then he didn't tell me for 8 yrs when he started his A he was leaving me and our kids for this woman he told me he loved I guess he felt he was leaving so he could share then it changes for me how I look at those first 10 yrs I married very young and never really had anyone who stayed and protected me and when I met my h I thought finely someone who loves me no matter what but I know now I was never enough might not ever be I was young willing so why the hookers he says he was selfish maybe he is a sa I don't know he is not in ic we can't afford it we are in R and he says some wonderful things to and has done some wonderful things but I can't help but feel like its all a act after the EA / pa he actually moved in with her talked about marrying down the road so I guess only time tells but if he could keep his secret for 8 yrs ......then leave me 2 times .....does he really love me always runs threw my head


Me:BS
Him:WS
3 awesome kids

Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: My own nightmare
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, March 1st (Friday)

I have read this thread a few times and while I DO 100% get the icky factor with wrapping my head around the fact my husband did the deed with hookers – I honestly do think though that this is easier - for me at least - to deal with than it would have been if he had slept with my neighbour or friend or his coworkers or anyone REAL, anyone in my town or county or wider social circle.

I found this website shortly after Dday, and initially I felt so down because all the other WHs seemed to have had “normal” affairs. By that I mean, with neighbours, friends, coworkers, or just other regular people. Why did mine have to do it with hookers? I felt repulsed to the point of vomiting.

But, as the months have gone by and have read on SI story after story along the lines of
- he still works with coworker OW
- I see OW daily when I pick the kids up from school
- we had to move 1600 miles to start afresh away from OW and all the memories
- wanted to change the car, the furniture, sell the house after I discovered OW had been in it
- people triggering when driving past OWs home or work place or place where WH and OW hung out

Well, I have kind of changed how I think now and am kind of happier that his indiscretions were with hookers and not with people in my world. At least with a hooker you CAN tell them to fuck off and be pretty certain they’re not going to call your home or ring your doorbell or turn up at your favourite restaurant and proceed to hug your WH. At least with a hooker the emotional investment with our partners’ is next to nothing. It’s “just” paid sex. Yes I know all too well how gut churning the very idea is, but I honestly don’t know if the grass IS greener on the other side of the offence where husbands screw around with friends, colleagues and neighbours.

Of course I wasn’t given the choice of who he should stray with, but with the benefit of hindsight, while paying for sex seems alien and repulsive to me, and of course it points to insecurities, I still prefer this reality than having to deal with the reality that many on here have to deal with when the reminders of their WHs infidelity touch every angle of their lives on a daily basis.

[This message edited by AnneOther at 3:33 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, March 1st (Friday)

I used the word "happier" above - and that was a stupid choice of words really.

I just mean that I think it's easier to reconcile after an A with a hooker than it would be with a husband who had an A with a neighbour, friend or coworker, or with anyone really where emotional connections are made. Sex with a prostitute has no emotional attachment, it's paying for a service. And while I like the guy who cuts my hair and tip him accordingly, I have zero emotional bond with him, nor him for me. I view paid sex in much the same way. And while it's still far from ideal, and still heartbreaking and stomach turning, it could be worse. IMHO.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, March 1st (Friday)

AnnotherOther,

It is different for everyone.

I just mean that I think it's easier to reconcile after an A with a hooker than it would be with a husband who had an A with a neighbour, friend or coworker, or with anyone really where emotional connections are made.

Not for me. My current H cheated with a woman that he had a relationship with 25 years prior. While this was every bit as devastating as what my first H did, maybe even more so, the huge difference for me is that I can't really "love" and remain committed to a man who would pay a woman for sex, much less so many of them that he could not begin to remember them all, as is the case with my XH.

In spite of the equal or greater hurt in my second M, I find that I can still love and forgive my current H since his remorse is extreme and evident. So for me, it was not easier to R with a man who paid hookers; in fact it was impossible for me to R with him and I did divorce him, though not immediately after learning of the hookers.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 2:51 PM, March 1st (Friday)]


Posts: 5730 | Registered: Apr 2006
DrivingPast
Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, March 1st (Friday)

I agree, for me its "worse" in a way that is unforgivable or maybe, it changes how I view him as a human. I mean, I can 'understand' making a drunken mistake, or even developing feelings for a coworker (that would hurt like hell, not saying it wouldnt). I can see the human-ness in that though. Im having a hard time to respect or accept a person who would "buy" women like objects.

It definitely is a different kind of pill to swallow.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, March 1st (Friday)

If I had to choose how he or who he cheated on me with,yes, I am thankful there were no feelings involved ( God I hope not!) and that there is technically no OW. But in my WS case, he spent almost 3 months trolling Backpage,left for work early at night to call them see them. He had to make sure he had the money,,it was all planned out so carefully. This was no drunk party where he made a mistake and fucked the stripper. He made a very conscious effort to do this, and if he is telling the truth it comes out to at least one a week for 6 weeks, and he says it would have been 8 but once he changed his mind? and once he couldn't find one. So, the pain of knowing he did and that he so carefully planned it makes it unbearable. He is a SA and going to whores is a big part of that, but that doesn't lessen the pain at all.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, March 1st (Friday)

whatsright...yours words put a smile on my face. Thank you so much for saying such wonderful things to me. I don't feel strong at all, just broken, but if anything would make me happy it would be to feel that I have made anyone on here happy or feel better. {{HUGS}}


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, March 2nd (Saturday)

Hi Bobbi Sue,

Not for me. My current H cheated with a woman that he had a relationship with 25 years prior. While this was every bit as devastating as what my first H did, maybe even more so, the huge difference for me is that I can't really "love" and remain committed to a man who would pay a woman for sex, much less so many of them that he could not begin to remember them all, as is the case with my XH.

In spite of the equal or greater hurt in my second M, I find that I can still love and forgive my current H since his remorse is extreme and evident. So for me, it was not easier to R with a man who paid hookers; in fact it was impossible for me to R with him and I did divorce him, though not immediately after learning of the hookers.

But we’re talking distinct and separate issues here

1. Showing genuine remorse, which enables a BS to heal versus showing zero remorse
2. The number of affair partners a WH had, possibly coupled with the length of each affair

Of course I can understand that you couldn’t forgive your WXH, he showed no remorse, so that’s a deal breaker in most people’s book. Couple that with the fact he had had so many prostitutes that he couldn’t even recall all of them, well that’s also pretty extreme beahviour too. That’s not the same scenario as someone who has a ONS with a prostitute and tones genuine remorse afterwards. Your scenario with your XWH and the scenario of someone who has ONS one where the WS tones genuine remorse afterwards are really two very very different things, so much so that they can hardly be compared.

A fairer comparison would be something like, what’s least sick making for me ?

Scenario A
1. My WH having a ONS with my best friend (or my neighbor that I see 5 times a day or his coworker that he has to see daily)
versus
2. MY WH having a ONS with a prostitute

or

Scenario B
1. My WH having had 3 affairs, one with the girl next door, one with a coworker and one with my best friend. All the affairs lasted a month, in each affair they had sex weekly.
versus
2. MY WH used a prostitute(s) weekly, for 3 months.

I know in both cases I would choose the second scenario for the reasons I explained in my earlier post, but I absolutely agree and respect that it’s different for everyone, I just like comparing like with like.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, March 2nd (Saturday)

it changes how I view him as a human. I mean, I can 'understand' making a drunken mistake, or even developing feelings for a coworker (that would hurt like hell, not saying it wouldnt). I can see the human-ness in that though. Im having a hard time to respect or accept a person who would "buy" women like objects.

I so get that bit, I too have trouble getting over that bit of it.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, March 2nd (Saturday)

But we’re talking distinct and separate issues here

I'm pretty sure that was the main point of my post. It seems like you took it as an argument to your post. There does not need to be a "fair comparison." Every body has their own situation to deal with and there is little point in comparing what is worse for anybody but ourselves.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 9:46 AM, March 2nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 5730 | Registered: Apr 2006
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, March 2nd (Saturday)

I honestly do think though that this is easier - for me at least - to deal with than it would have been if he had slept with my neighbour or friend or his coworkers or anyone REAL, anyone in my town or county or wider social circle.

As a double winner in this, I have to say that each hurts in its own way. My X used prostitutes for years, too many to count, but also had a girlfriend. I don't know that he ever had sex with her but it was full-blown every other way with endless texting and lengthy phone calls, early in the morning and late at night, dinners in fancy restaurants, gifts, and pet names, for over two years. Basically he was cheating on her with the prostitutes, as he didn't want her to know about them once I found out. I'll always despise her, and would tell her, if I ever ran into her, "As long as I'm alive, there will be someone who despises you." The prostitutes? Sickening for all the reasons others have posted.

It's hard to say which was worse because they do hurt in different ways. All betrayals, and so many. Maybe one day, years from now when I am more healed, I will be able to say which was worse for me.

In the end, the worst part of my marriage was that X is a sociopath, in my opinion.

Hugs to everyone, as we make our way past the wreckage. And thanks for this thread - it helps!


Posts: 1244 | Registered: Aug 2010
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, March 2nd (Saturday)

I think what I am trying to say, in a very roundabout manner is, I think ALL the details (how much paid sex, how often, how many different hookers were involved, how long did this deceit go on for, how much if any genuine remorse was toned by the WH) are really what makes or breaks the marriage/reconciliation deal, more than just the mere fact the OW was a prostitute.

AND, it did help me an awful lot, back in the early weeks after I found out, when a good friend of mine pointed out to me the situation an old school friend of hers was in. Her husband had a 3 year long affair with a coworker, and apart from facing all the hassles and heartache and horror of reconciliation that we all face, they also had to move a few hundred miles, both had to get new jobs, uproot their kids from school half way through a vital exam year, leave all their friends and family behind, leave their support network behind too. At a moment in time where I felt the hardest done by person on earth (because I felt really pukey about the whole idea of a hooker and kept saying over and over “why couldn’t he have gone with a normal woman?”) it did help me bring some perspective to the situation to look at another angle. Yes my world was rocked to the foundations on Dday, but that other woman’s world was shattered to pieces. Assuming we had husbands who were equally remorseful and other details were more or less comparable, at least the only thing I had to deal with was betrayal. That other women had so so so much more taken from her (her home, her job, husbands job, kids school, friends & family no longer close by etc).

Every situation where we are deceived by those who are supposed to love us most sucks big time, I just thank my lucky stars that everything else important stayed intact and it’s only our marriage we have to work on right now, I really couldn’t handle the added stresses of moving home, jobs and everything else that so many of us do have to face when affairs are more up close and personal.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Want To Wake Up
Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, March 2nd (Saturday)

I just mean that I think it's easier to reconcile after an A with a hooker than it would be with a husband who had an A with a neighbour, friend or coworker, or with anyone really where emotional connections are made


I think for me this ^^^ makes it harder... the knowledge that MY husband is the type of man who is capable of having sex with someone he has NO feelings for, no emotional connection with at all, that he can have "just sex" is sickening... and frightening.


In some ways it's as though it makes ALL women potential OW. I don't have to 'worry' about him getting too close to a neighbour, co-worker or friend... because he'll screw anything. He doesn't have to know her, doesn't have to even like her, she just has to be available IYKWIM To me it's as though in his eyes I (and every woman) am merely a hole to be poked (sorry to be so crass)


It makes me doubt his love itself... did he ever really "love" me or was I merely a means to an end? Just something he was expected to do? (get married, have kids) Was I just in the right place at the right (or wrong) time? If he is the kind of man who can have "just sex" (and I now KNOW he is) how do I know the difference between the two? Is he having "just sex" with me or is he "making love"?


I don't know the difference anymore.


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
Latest TT... Nov '13 (not a typo!)


One man’s “fruitless conflict” is another man’s “meaningful discussion”


Posts: 475 | Registered: Mar 2011
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, March 2nd (Saturday)

I think for me this ^^^ makes it harder... the knowledge that MY husband is the type of man who is capable of having sex with someone he has NO feelings for, no emotional connection with at all, that he can have "just sex" is sickening... and frightening.


In some ways it's as though it makes ALL women potential OW. I don't have to 'worry' about him getting too close to a neighbour, co-worker or friend... because he'll screw anything. He doesn't have to know her, doesn't have to even like her, she just has to be available IYKWIM To me it's as though in his eyes I (and every woman) am merely a hole to be poked (sorry to be so crass)

hi want to wake up,

I can relate very well to this bit. It IS very tough to accept the replusive side of it. The way I see it is like a double edged sword where one side is easier (the practical side – no OW to encounter at work or in our neighbourhood, social circle etc), but the getting your head around the icky f-ed up part of a WS that sets his sights so low that he sleeps with a hooker. Yes, that IS very hard to accept. I am not sure though that I agree that a man who sleeps with a prostitute would automatically mean he would sleep with ANY woman that crossed his path. I think often they CONSCIOUSLY choose a prostitute as it’s easier, no need to even pretend at dating to get the goods, no phone calls, emails, or pretense at anything relationship wise. It’s just buying sex, it’s a lot less time consuming than wining and dining a “normal” woman, less chance that a prostitute would out a man to his wife or coworkers. Not to mention for men who are too shy or socially awkward or inhibited to approach normal women, a prostitute is the ideal solution.

I also can’t say I am against “just having sex”, before I was married I had a couple of short “relationships” that were just purely or mainly physical. There was little or no emotional connection. I think that’s fine if both people are unmarried and both know there is no chance of a proper relationship. So maybe I approach this whole thing from a different angle as I do think sex without love is ok. Providing it’s between consenting and single adults that is. I also have no issues with single guys who use prostitutes.

And please don't apologise for possibly appearing crass, you genuinely didn't. I have come to the conclusion that there simply is no refined way to state this kind of stuff. The actions of our WSs are crass, not our reactions to them.

I hope you find some peace for yourself.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Want To Wake Up
Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, March 2nd (Saturday)

I also can’t say I am against “just having sex”, before I was married I had a couple of short “relationships” that were just purely or mainly physical. There was little or no emotional connection.


You see Anne, my WH and I were one and onlies (once upon a time) and for years (and I'm talking over 30) he said that he couldn't imagine having sex without 'feeling something' for the other person... that was either untrue or his views have changed (and he never mentioned it) but what it does to me is call into question EVERYTHING else he has ever claimed to believe.


I now know that evey time he agreed with me that our status of being "one and onlies" (that I took great pride in... and a little comfort too I suppose) was something special was in fact a lie, he never felt that way, it was pure dumb luck, just the way it turned out.... happenstance.


So maybe I approach this whole thing from a different angle as I do think sex without love is ok.


I have no problem with what two unatteched consenting adults choose to do (in private LOL) I only know that for me sex without love is not a possibility.


I also have no issues with single guys who use prostitutes.

I do, I always have taken issue with them because to me they reduce sex (which can and IMO should be an expression of deep feeling/love between two people) to a commodity to be bought and sold IYKWIM they cheapen it in my eyes. That's what my WH has done, cheapen my view of sex, made it... "dirty".


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
Latest TT... Nov '13 (not a typo!)


One man’s “fruitless conflict” is another man’s “meaningful discussion”


Posts: 475 | Registered: Mar 2011
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, March 2nd (Saturday)

Every single story I have read on SI is horrible and heartbreaking in its own different, yet unique way.

My H's whore was a stripper that worked in the nastiest, sleaziest, most drug infested filthy stripclub in our state.

The fact that he would even walk thru the door of that establishment is in itself enough to make me puke, but the fact that he FUCKED that piece of human excrement without a condom, became infected with her disease, came home and fucked me and gave me her disease is horrifying, ghastly, and simply unbelievable to me.

For me, the use of prostitutes is exceptionally nasty because they are simply cumdumpsters that are with Lord knows how many different men in the same day, they are more often than not drug addicts, and they are far more likely to carry and spread disease than the girl next door would be.

I find it humiliating in many different ways. But, I still find myself feeling grateful that it wasn't my best friend, or someone I would have to encounter on a daily basis. How fucked up is that?

I must be insane.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, March 2nd (Saturday)

but the getting your head around the icky f-ed up part of a WS that sets his sights so low that he sleeps with a hooker. Yes, that IS very hard to accept.

This! It has changed the way I look at my SAWH. He didn't do this all of his life but started in his late 40's. I just think of that seedy element of life as nothing I would ever associate with. It just isn't a choice for me, so to find that it is for my H was a shock! I am no prude, and I am up for anything between a husband and wife (that doesn't involve others). That is the frustrating part, I was the one being denied sex and intimacy. He was more interested in having sex with someone that he didn't view as a person.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, March 3rd (Sunday)

WTWU,

“You see Anne, my WH and I were one and onlies (once upon a time) and for years (and I'm talking over 30) he said that he couldn't imagine having sex without 'feeling something' for the other person... that was either untrue or his views have changed (and he never mentioned it) but what it does to me is call into question EVERYTHING else he has ever claimed to believe.”

I can see all too well the issue here. I think for me that my husband and myself have always has had similar POV’s of prostitution or sex outside of a meaningful loving relationship. I suppose we are both fairly tolerant of it (for single people that is!). If you had always assumed your husband held the same or similar views as you, it’s a double whammy now for you. I really feel for you.

PPGA,

“My H's whore was a stripper that worked in the nastiest, sleaziest, most drug infested filthy stripclub in our state.
The fact that he would even walk thru the door of that establishment is in itself enough to make me puke, but the fact that he FUCKED that piece of human excrement without a condom, became infected with her disease, came home and fucked me and gave me her disease is horrifying, ghastly, and simply unbelievable to me.”

Shortly after dday I thought I had caught a STD. It wasn’t an STD, it was a cyst and nothing to do with WHs cheating. But I was beside myself. I cannot imagine the horror you must have gone through. My visit to my family doctor and that initial call to the STD clinic were two of the toughest things I have ever had to do.

“For me, the use of prostitutes is exceptionally nasty because they are simply cumdumpsters that are with Lord knows how many different men in the same day, they are more often than not drug addicts, and they are far more likely to carry and spread disease than the girl next door would be.”

My WHs hooker was at the other end of the whore-spectrum. Just a regular person, mother, well educated, working a skilled job, who whores herself out occasionally to wealthy businessmen for some extra cash (quite a lot of extra cash as a matter of fact). That’s the thing really with prostitutes, they range from the $20 crack whores to the $1000 per hour top of the range “escorts” or “call girls”. So for me I didn’t have to think of drug addiction or her having multiple partners per day. But she still screws for money, so she is still a whore, and I still feel repulsed my husband would stoop so low.

“But, I still find myself feeling grateful that it wasn't my best friend, or someone I would have to encounter on a daily basis. How fucked up is that? I must be insane.”

I had and still have the exact same feelings. Oh yes this is shit, yes my world was rocked, my gut was punched, I will never be the same person ever again. But I am coping, we are coping as a couple, we will come through this stronger and more united than we were before. That could never have been the case for me had his A been with my best friend or anyone at his work or in our social circle. I couldn’t have coped with anything more (like switching job or moving house or betrayal from a female friend) on top of the deceit of my husband.

As for feeling fucked up and insane about feeling the “thank god it wasn’t my best friend or neighbour” (been there, done that and still wear that t-shirt every single day), these are not my words of wisdom, they came from my therapist. She asked me “ok, your friend gets attacked in the street and attacker gouges out her eye. You go to visit her in hospital and she tells you she is so sad about losing her eye but is just thankful she has two eyes and has only lost one, would you think she is insane or fucked up for feeling grateful under the circumstances?”.

I don’t know if it will help you, but it did help me. I used to hate wearing that t-shirt because I thought it was a poor reflection on me, that I was crazy in some way for a degree of gratefulness. But I have come to accept now that it’s just more a reflection that (for me in any case) it could have been worse, and it’s not wrong to feel that as long as I also accept and remember the enormity of what I did lose.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, March 3rd (Sunday)

This! It has changed the way I look at my SAWH. He didn't do this all of his life but started in his late 40's. I just think of that seedy element of life as nothing I would ever associate with. It just isn't a choice for me, so to find that it is for my H was a shock! I am no prude, and I am up for anything between a husband and wife (that doesn't involve others). That is the frustrating part, I was the one being denied sex and intimacy. He was more interested in having sex with someone that he didn't view as a person.

I think for my WH he turned to a prostitute, yes because she wasn't rwal, but also because his mental instabilities, his lack of self confidence, his feeling a failure in life, the fact that he is very awkward around women, very insecure about his abilities with women, his utter fear of rejection in any form - well of that kind of rules out hitting on the cute chic at work or the attractive lady down the street. Plus, like I said earlier, my WH travels a lot, he calls me for long periods every evening. You can't exactly tell the cute chic from the office to hide in the hotel bathroom for an hour because you have to video chat with your wife, but you can do that with a prostitute.

God, how did I (all of us!!!) ever end up in this world.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, March 3rd (Sunday)

So sorry to see so many here, but glad I started this thread to have a common place to share.
Forgive me for not remembering who said this, but I so agree with the statement that is my WS would fuck a whore, who wouldn't he fuck? I was in Wal-Mart not long after finding out and there was this heavy set, not attractive woman ( that resembled one of the whores he was with) and I said to him, well, guess you would fuck her too? I know he is a SA and we are actually doing pretty good over here, but dammit the pain just doesn't let up. I am in a recovery program myself and it is helping some, but this is a long and painful road.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
agreensleeve
Member
Member # 26210
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, March 3rd (Sunday)

I try to look at the humor in what my H did. I can do that now, but I couldn't do it just after DDay. Here is the humor part: Your title also has an answer: "used" prostitutes or it can be interpreted as "used prostitutes"
They used prostitutes for sex and they had sex with used prostitutes. Plus, the prostitutes used them. They used them for their money, that all, nothing else.

Not sure why I find it funny other than this: It's like a used car. More mileage, less value, less cost. If it wasn't for humor, I don't think I could have survived.

There are times when I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he had sex with strangers, had sex with someone of questionable morals, etc. I have been where you're at and it gets easier, but not at first and not during the first year after DDay.
This is good thread. We all are healing at different levels and times. But we heal because we are here for each other.


BS:53/FWS:59(LCFBastard)/M:33 Years
DDay: 25Sep09:Online Porn;2Oct09:Emails/PA w/Escorts 6 times from Apr 03-Sep 09.In IC/MC/R.
This is my quest,No matter how hopeless, no matter how far.To be willing to march into HELL for a HEAVENLY cause.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: CO
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, March 4th (Monday)

I didn't think about my title, but you are right. All prostitutes are is used up.
Used up nasty twats, used for their bodies that they have no respect for and all they care about is the money. They use men and don't think anything about it. I have read articles written by them and when asked do more of their clients look like Brad Pitt or Homer Simpson, they laughed and said almost all looked like Homer Simpson. I find this humorous because these sad broken men think these women want them? They want that money and probably laugh when the men leave.
At least a used car probably hasn't had thousands of men driving it lol


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, March 4th (Monday)


My WHs hooker was at the other end of the whore-spectrum. Just a regular person, mother, well educated, working a skilled job, who whores herself out occasionally to wealthy businessmen for some extra cash (quite a lot of extra cash as a matter of fact). That’s the thing really with prostitutes, they range from the $20 crack whores to the $1000 per hour top of the range “escorts” or “call girls”. So for me I didn’t have to think of drug addiction or her having multiple partners per day. But she still screws for money, so she is still a whore, and I still feel repulsed my husband would stoop so low.

AnneOther, 
Thank you for your thoughtful response, but I feel obligated to dispel the notion many people have that there is much of difference b/t a $20 crack whore, and 'high class' call girl or 'escort'.  I've done alot of reading on the subject and based on what I have read, both from the perspective of the prostitute and from the perspective of the john, that there is not much difference b/t 'high class' or 'low class' when it comes to health concerns.  The problem is not so much the girls themselves, but the men that frequent them.  Let's face it, men use prostitutes for a plethora of difference reasons, and unless the prostitute and the customer are doctors that testing each other, waiting for results, and retesting at intervals, there is absolutely no way in hell that they can know the true state of their STD or HIV status.

I'm sure that there may be some prostitutes that take great precautions to protect themselves, but sadly, the nature of the beast is that a huge majority of these men are seeing the prostitute for reasons that are naturally going to put them at a higher risk for disease.  

One particular girl may try to protect herself more than others might, but if the john has not protected himself with previous prostitutes, by mere virtue of the fact that they are having sex so often and with such a wide variety of people that are also having sex with other prostitutes, the risk increases.

Condoms are not foolproof by any stretch of the imagination, and even though some girls may insist on the use of a condom for straight sex, most men paying for sex are going to expect bare back blow jobs at the least.

Condoms do not cover all genital areas, and all it takes is skin to skin contact with some STD's. 

Some things I have read on 'high class' call girls blogs, indicate that once they get comfortable with certain repeat customers, they may deem them to be 'okay' for having unprotected sex with.  (yeah, just like the majority of WS's that say, 'oh, OP wasn't 'like that' or, OP didn't sleep with anyone other than their husband', lol! )  Yeah, well who the hell knows who OP's H may or may not be sleeping with?

Also, some of these hookers play the 'high class' game while also catering to a 'lesser' clientele, for their real bread and butter.

Drug addiction IS rampant amongst this group, as many use drugs to numb themselves in order to do what they do, and if they are not already addicted, they  become addicted....and the cycle begins, wash, rinse, and repeat.

JMO.

PPGA


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, March 4th (Monday)

I think for my WH he turned to a prostitute, yes because she wasn't rwal, but also because his mental instabilities, his lack of self confidence, his feeling a failure in life, the fact that he is very awkward around women, very insecure about his abilities with women, his utter fear of rejection in any form - well of that kind of rules out hitting on the cute chic at work or the attractive lady down the street.
Yes, that is very true of my SAWH. He also had some on-line flirtations, where he got women to send him photos. IRL there were a couple of flirtations but he never pursued anything sexual. Those were where he could be a KISA by helping these women, for these women they were using whatever they had to trying to get a job. Really sad and pitiful thinking. He has to "pay" in some way for a woman to be interested in him.

As far as types of hookers. Mine ranged the spectrum and had worked his way up to the $800 an hour range because he had just started having intercourse with prostitutes just before dday (confirmed with polygraph). In his mind they were "cleaner" which is just crazy! It sounds like you have adopted your SAWH's thinking there. They are not "cleaner". They are just as broken, pitiful, diseased creatures as any other prostitute.

I was very angry and disgusted towards prostitutes but at my CSATs urging I have done a lot of reading on the subject. Most of these women are really broken people. Many have pimps, even the high class ones. They lie about it to customers and pretend they "like it". Their lives are pretty much a living hell. I am becoming less hostile about them. Not buying the lie they tell that they do this because they "want" to. Most do not.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 10:59 AM, March 4th (Monday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, March 4th (Monday)

PPGA,

I am sorry but you really are completely wrong here. You are not dispelling my notions, you are perpetuating a stereotype, an urban myth, where every prostitute is a big bad dirty disease ridden greedy wolf who takes advantage of our poor defenseless husbands.

There is a vast difference between bottom of the pile and top of the pile prostitutes. There is also a vast difference in countries and how prostitution works in each country, is it illegal and unregulated = no health checks. It is legal and regulated = monthly health checks, or is it somewhere in between with NGOs offering testing, education and means of protection.


At one end of the spectrum, the rock bottom end, you have a crack whore servicing 10 (or as many as she can get) clients a day. By virtue of her addiction she will do anything it takes to get money to buy drugs. If that is unprotected anal sex, if that’s what it takes to get her drug money, that is what she will do. Also intravenous drug use is very high in this group, upping the chance of disease. Also basic personal hygiene is sadly VERY lacking in this group.


At the other “top end” of the spectrum you have $1000+ per hour call-girl prostitutes. These can be students, unemployed graduates, career women, mothers or almost any normal woman. This category really is where you see the “girl next door” prostitutes. Some of these women work daily, some work once a week or once a month or anywhere in between. Some only get into the trade to pay off a loan or for whatever reason, to earn some fast bucks, and then they exit. Some do it as they can earn in two nights the same as what they would earn in a month doing a 40 hour a week unskilled or low-paying job, so prostitution allows them to be a SAH mom who only works 2 nights a week, and not giving away the lion shares of her earnings on child care, a lot do it to fund their further education.


I am not saying there will be NO women in this 2nd group daft enough not to have unprotected sex, of course not, there will always be the exception that breaks the rule. But the number in this group having unprotected sex is FAR lower than in the crack whore category. Drug use is minimal compared to the crack whores. Though granted I do think drug use in this group MAY be higher than in the population in general, there haven’t been any officially recognized studies on this, it is certainly NOT rampant in this group in any of the countries I have studied. When there is drug use in this category, it’s generally not intravenous. I think cocaine is the drug of choice for this group (or at least it was in the areas, and at the time, I studied). Personal hygiene is high in this group simply because the better they look, the more money they can earn. Men simply won’t pay $2000 to fuck a stoned, zoned out woman. And the men using top class hookers generally take them to top 5 star hotels, and 5 star hotels tend to be quite reluctant to let trashy looking or obviously drugged up “questionable” women enter their premises, let alone go up to a room. The same hotels often have no problems letting the high class ones decorate their bar stools though, as long as they play by the rules and aren’t too overt in dress or beahviour.
Above I have outlined two extremes- the top of the pile and the bottom of the pile. The reality is, the vast majority of prostitution falls out with these two extremes. Most prostitutes are neither crack whores or $1000+ per hour whores, they are in between. While there are no guarantees that a top end whore is disease free, there is also no guarantee that a crack whore has an STD. What I can guarantee you is, the lower down the pile you look, the less personal hygiene you will find, and the more STDs and drug use you will find.


Now getting back to safety, a lot of what you say does make perfect sense. The safest sex that any of us can practice is with one trusted and tested partner and that one partner only. Obviously the more partners anyone has, be they bored housewife, wayward husband, or prostitute, the greater the risks become. Is a high class hooker as low risk as say you and I are, absolutely not, she is riskier than us, no matter how much she protects herself. Is she lower risk though than a crack whore. Absolutely yes, statistically. But all it takes for any one person to catch HIV is one torn condom, so sex is only really completely safe when practiced exclusively with our trusted & tested partners.

And can I just point something out here as I may appear to know a bit too much on this subject. I am not and never have been a prostitute, but I did work for a NGO working in this field, and have spent decades (very very ironically now as it turns out) studying this field, both in an official and unofficial capacity.


And this might not be the best thread, or even the best forum to say this on, but not all prostitutes are nasty, horrible, trashy, low self-esteem, money grabbing, using, women. Many of them really are very nice women doing a job to earn a living. That it’s a job most of us wouldn’t do, I give you, but most of us wouldn’t choose to clean sewers or sweep chimneys either. I personally don’t like to read so much vitriol about prostitutes. Ultimately OUR HUSBANDS ARE TO BLAME, NOT THE WOMEN THEY PAY. If our husbands didn’t create the demand then the supply of prostitutes would dry up.

[This message edited by AnneOther at 11:54 AM, March 4th (Monday)]


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, March 4th (Monday)

Missymomma,

Really sad and pitiful thinking. He has to "pay" in some way for a woman to be interested in him.

I agree with that completelty. It is sad and pitiful. It would be the ultimate low for me to have to pay someone to sleep with me or to spend time with me.

In his mind they were "cleaner" which is just crazy! It sounds like you have adopted your SAWH's thinking there.

Firstly, my WH is not and never has been a SA. Secondly, as I have just explained above, I worked with a NGO working in this field in a few different countries spread across 2 different continents, spanning a long period of time. My opinions on prostition are based on actually going out "into the field" and looking at it with my own eyes. My opinions are not from my husband, and not from mass hysteria or urban myths either.

They are not "cleaner". They are just as broken, pitiful, diseased creatures as any other prostitute.

And you know this, how? Have you tested both groups? Or are you just buying into the urban myth too?

I was very angry and disgusted towards prostitutes but at my CSATs urging I have done a lot of reading on the subject. Most of these women are really broken people. Many have pimps, even the high class ones. They lie about it to customers and pretend they "like it". Their lives are pretty much a living hell. I am becoming less hostile about them. Not buying the lie they tell that they do this because they "want" to. Most do not.

I don't think ANY woman working in prostitution does it because it's her first choice of job, and the job she always dreamed of. Most do it because they can earn a lot more money at it than they would elsewhere. Of course they lie to their customers, that's their job. They are hardly going to be sucessful in the field if they are honest. This "polite lying" applies to many jobs though, my hairdresser is forever telling me my hair is beautiful. If you want to go on believing that all prostitutes are broken people in a living hell of a life, I won't try to change your mind, but I do know you are wrong.

[This message edited by AnneOther at 11:47 AM, March 4th (Monday)]


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, March 4th (Monday)

I worked with a NGO working in this field in a few different countries spread across 2 different continents, spanning a long period of time. My opinions on prostition are based on actually going out "into the field" and looking at it with my own eyes. My opinions are not from my husband, and not from mass hysteria or urban myths either.
Ah, I see you are a Weitzer fan or work with him. He concentrated on legal prostitution to skew his study. He is a fan of any conflicting info as myth and mass hysteria. Yes, I am very familiar with how studies work. They start with the thesis and then go about proving it.

Why if you are so pro-prostitution would it bother you that your H was using one?


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, March 4th (Monday)

I have been really sick (hospital) for a few days, and I cannot believe where this thread has gone!!!!!

I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean it in the way that I REALLY NEED to ask a question about the exact thing you all are talking about.

PLEASE let me know what you think of this---a question I have wanted to ask for a long, long time.

After we were in counseling for a time or two, I was saying something like I couldn't believe that he had actually been with a prostitute. My husbands says...

"I thought it wouldn't be so bad, since I didn't have any feelings for her."

1) Lets see...NO. I don't believe it makes me feel better that you had meaningless sex with a street whore.

2) I have always wondered if she was really someone he knew and saw repeatedly - and just told me she was a prostitute.

He said it right away - when I saw the picture. "Who is that?" "A prostitute." Just that quick. AND he had been going to that town for a monthly (legitimate) meeting for some time.

I just don't know why he said that to the counselor. "I thought you'd be glad it wasn't someone I loved."

What are the chances it wasn't a prostitute after all???

What do y'all think???

I guess I will never know. But I have been suffering about this (and so much more) for so many years.

I think when I think about it...if it was a prostitute, I am repulsed and heartbroken by his cheapness. And if it was a 'relationship', then I am heartbroken because he loved someone other than me.

I guess it is just 2 different kinds of hurt, and I guess I will never know which it was.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, March 4th (Monday)

Missymomma,

Ah, I see you are a Weitzer fan or work with him
.

No, I am not a Weitzer fan, and no I don’t work for or with him and never have.

Yes, I am very familiar with how studies work. They start with the thesis and then go about proving it.

I hope you take that attitude too when for instance you have to choose a doctor or a surgeon or a medicine or an operation and rely on studies to make your choice.

Why if you are so pro-prostitution would it bother you that your H was using one?

I am not pro-prostitution, I am just not anti-prostitute or anti-prostitution.

Maybe if you ever get the chance to visit a country where prostitution is strictly forbidden and deep underground, then you could understand why.

Why if you are so pro-prostitution would it bother you that your H was using one?

Did it bother me when my husband used a prostitute? Hell yes! In the same way it would “bother” me if he slept with any other human being except me. (the word bother is far too mild here, that should be a given).

I think in order for us to have a civilized, adult discussion that you have to agree there is a difference between supporting a concept and taking part in it. For instance, because someone is pro-choice it doesn’t mean they have abortions every year, or even ever have an abortion, many men are pro-choice too. Because someone is pro guns it doesn’t mean they actually shoot people or support that. And, this really is too silly to say, but because someone is not full of hatred towards every prostitute on the planet, does not mean it wouldn’t bother them if their spouse slept with one.

I know this subject is a touchy subject for you, as it is for all of us on this thread, if not for all of us on this forum, but we really do have to start blaming our husbands instead of the prostitutes. If our husbands were alcoholics would we be condemning everyone who sells alcohol in such a vitriolic manner?


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, March 4th (Monday)

Anneother,

I am sorry but you really are completely wrong here. You are not dispelling my notions, you are perpetuating a stereotype, an urban myth, where every prostitute is a big bad dirty disease ridden greedy wolf who takes advantage of our poor defenseless husbands.

Look, I'm not into engaging in a war of words here; I certainly didn't say that YOU were completely wrong, and I don't think it's fair of you to say that I am completely wrong.  We all have our own opinions based on whatever research we have done.  My personal research has been based on reading escort's blogs, hobbyists' review sites, strip club reviews, rub maps, and what I have pieced together based on stories here on SI, a dear friend I met on this site whose H infected her with HIV he picked up from his whore, one prostitute in our extended family, and my own 23 yr old son that has prostituted himself with men.   Personally, I give a lot of credence to online sources because I believe the anonymity breeds more honesty.  

I don't believe I am perpetuating a stereotype or urban myth, I believe I am shining a light on what 'I' believe is an urban myth: that 'high class' call girls are somehow 'safer' than the rest.

I personally don’t like to read so much vitriol about prostitutes. Ultimately OUR HUSBANDS ARE TO BLAME, NOT THE WOMEN THEY PAY.  

Given the nature of this site, I think vitriol about any sort of sex outside of marriage is to be expected....and as far as our husbands are to blame, you are absolutely right, and I thought I made that clear with this: 
The problem is not so much the girls themselves, but the men that frequent them.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, March 4th (Monday)

WhatsRight,

Sorry you were in hospital, I do hope you are fully recovered now.

It’s an interesting (and very sad) question you pose. I have no idea really if a WH would be more likely to jump to the “but she was just a prostitute” defense, in the hope that would be easier for us BSs. Judging from this thread I am one of the very few, if not only, BS who feels that way. I said earlier that initially after Dday that I was more heartbroken because mine has slept with a prostitute instead of a “normal” woman, it’s only after reading so much on here that it see it has some “upsides” I didn’t recognize initially. What I didn’t mention earlier was – that was not his original statement, that she was a prostitute. Initially he would not admit she was on the game. He knew it would hurt me more as he knows what I think of men who stoop to hookers, plus he was deeply ashamed himself, and that is putting it very mildly. But he couldn’t keep it a lie for long, as – well I can’t get into the whys as I have sources I need to protect, suffice to say I would have found out she was a prostitute. It took me a good couple of months to begin to see that (for me) it would have been far worse if she had been my best friend, or the girl next door, or from his office, or from our social circle.

So mine would much rather have had to admit he slept with a regular woman than with a prostitute. I would go as far as to say it was only because he knew I would get the truth that he admitted it. I guess though that every man will be different.

It is also a possibility your husband could be trying to protect the OW by telling you she was a prostitute when she was just a regular woman, because possibly it could be that he didn’t know her (real) name or contact details if she was a prostitute, but if he confessed to an affair with a regular woman you would be quizzing him for details about her, and she may too be married, and he could not risk you confronting her.

I am so sorry your husband isn’t forthcoming and honest with you. That must be soul destroying. I really do feel for you. I hope this situation changes WR, for both your sakes, but especially for yours.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, March 4th (Monday)

I am not going to get into a war of words with you, either. I am going to address a few things you said to me.

I hope you take that attitude too when for instance you have to choose a doctor or a surgeon or a medicine or an operation and rely on studies to make your choice.

Yes, actually iI do take that attitude when dealing with medicine in general. I happen to have a child that is a research scientist (at the major institute in the US) and we very openly discuss how studies are performed. Many medications and procedures are later proven to have horrendous side effects. Thus, I am very careful and skeptical when someone quotes one study and read several before making a decision.

Maybe if you ever get the chance to visit a country where prostitution is strictly forbidden and deep underground, then you could understand why.

The problem is that statistically the countries with legal prostitution have a much higher rate of human trafficking and crime. I do live in a country where prostitution is illegal. I have lived in countries where it was legal. There is a reason that human trafficking has exploded as prostitution has been legalized around the world.

To come on a site that is about infidelity and support prostitution, it seems illogical not to expect the majority to have the polar opposite view from you. I don't think that your view is going to change, even though you have been negatively impacted by prostitution. That is your choice.

Of course I hold my husband responsible for his choices. He was not enticed to behave this way. He is a sick man with distorted thinking. The kind of distorted thinking that you seem to be purporting here. Prostitution is just another "choice." I reject that premise. As a woman and a mother I find that offensive.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, March 4th (Monday)

AnneOther...

OMG. OMG. OMG.

It has really just washed over me for the first time that he could very well have been lying about the prostitute thing.

He said it so quickly after I asked who was in the picture.

He didn't tell the truth about anything else.

His story didn't make sense:

*he didn't know she was a prostitute when he let her in the car for a ride

*he told her "NO" to her offer of a bj, but she finally asked so many times, he said yes.

*he happened to have the necessary medication to achieve an erection (disability involved)

*he took a picture of her

*he told me he paid her $40. On a few occasions, when giving me some cash for groceries or errands, he has handed me $40. I have let him know that he should NEVER hand me $40 EVER AGAIN. But he has forgotten. Because there was no $40? - it was just a lie?

Oh God. It feels like I am just finding out. At least before, I felt I knew at least that much. But now, I am not sure of even ONE thing about his infidelity. I don't know how to live with more uncertainty.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, March 4th (Monday)

WR,
I hate to see you in such agony again. Listen sweetie, I believe your H was with a prostitute.

This:

He told me that he was driving to his hotel (while out of town on business) and she flagged him down at a stop light - wanting a ride. He said he had no idea she was a prostitute. He said he would take her to the drug store. She asked if he wanted a bj. According to him he said no repeatedly, but finally "gave in".
It is very common that when questioned, WS's will give part truth part lie. It is natural and far easier than making up a complete doozy of a lie to incorporate a partial truth. Based on what I have read on the 'hobbyists'' sites, that is exactly what happens if they are driving around looking for a whore. While out of town, he probably looked up where online where he could find one, drove around till he spotted one, she got in the car, and off they went.

JMO, but I think she was a whore. Please don't agonize over this anymore.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, March 4th (Monday)

WR, I second what pain is saying. The first time my SAWH paid for sex it was with a stripper. Of course, she was a prostitute also or wouldn't have taken money for sex. My SAWH's CSAT says there is no distinction and just refer to anyone that takes money for sex as a prostitute. Otherwise, they would be offended by the offer of money.

I remember your story, where he said that he just happened to have is ED medicine. That is so clearly a lie.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, March 4th (Monday)

To come on a site that is about infidelity and support prostitution, it seems illogical not to expect the majority to have the polar opposite view from you.

Support prostitution? Or, just not willing to jump on a bandwagon that labels every sex worker as a disease ridden, soulless, money grabbing, waste of human life? Whether you like to hear it or not, a lot of prostitutes are very nice women.

I will repeat what I said earlier: “I think in order for us to have a civilized, adult discussion that you have to agree there is a difference between supporting a concept and taking part in it. For instance, because someone is pro-choice it doesn’t mean they have abortions every year, or even ever have an abortion, many men are pro-choice too. Because someone is pro guns it doesn’t mean they actually shoot people or support that.”

I don't think that your view is going to change, even though you have been negatively impacted by prostitution. That is your choice.

My life has been negatively impacted by fast food chains, the growth of the corn starch industry, violent movies, alcohol, to name I am sure but a few. It doesn’t mean I want to ban or condemn McDonalds, Coca-Cola, Hollywood movies or liquor. They are all fine used properly, responsibly and ethically. In fact I can’t right now recall one thing that has impacted me negatively that I would want outlawed or feel the need to be vitriolic about.

Of course I hold my husband responsible for his choices. He was not enticed to behave this way. He is a sick man with distorted thinking. The kind of distorted thinking that you seem to be purporting here. Prostitution is just another "choice." I reject that premise. As a woman and a mother I find that offensive.

So when all else fails, resort to innuendos that my thinking is distorted, why I am not surprised?

You know I could say the same say to you, that by condemning all prostitutes as broken, pitiful, diseased creatures, broken people, living a life of hell is IMO very distorted thinking. I just don’t like that kind of retort as it doesn't further a discussion. Play the ball instead of the player is my motto.

[This message edited by AnneOther at 2:56 PM, March 4th (Monday)]


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, March 4th (Monday)

While out of town, he probably looked up where online where he could find one

Do you mean that you can look online to find out where the prostitutes hang out? Are you kidding me???

I am SOOOO sorry for this t/j. I am sooo sorry that I am whinning about this again. The anniversary of this infidelity comes this Saturday - when we are supposed to go to our Retrouvaille meeting. There has never been an anniversary that has bothered me so much.

I just want to know. I just want to know. I just want to know.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, March 4th (Monday)

AnneOther...
OMG. OMG. OMG.
It has really just washed over me for the first time that he could very well have been lying about the prostitute thing.
He said it so quickly after I asked who was in the picture.
He didn't tell the truth about anything else.
His story didn't make sense:

WR,

Look, you know your husband better than all of us. What do YOU think he would be the most embarrassed about, the most ashamed to admit to? A prostitute, ok, I can buy that she could very well have been a hooker. But it could also be she was a regular woman he was attempting to protect from your (rightful!) wrath. Don't forget either, what protects her protects him too.

I don’t mean this to sound mean, I hope you know that, we have spoken before about the similarities our husbands share, right? Well, like my husband, what is going to sound more palatable to you/me is generally not what they do or say. They are self-protectors. They are conflict avoiders. They say what makes them feel less guilty, less ashamed – and also what is going to be the least conflict for them. They say what you are going to kick up LEAST fuss about. I can see by saying prostitute that there is not a great deal left for you to ask or do or go after. I mean it’s not like you can ask for her number or her address, he wouldn’t even have them. He would though if she was a normal woman. If she had been a regualr woman, friend or cowrker or just someone he met in a store that turned into an affair, that knowledge leaves avenues open for you, that could mean a heck of a lot more conflict for him if you go down those avenues. On the other hand, maybe she was a prostitute. I really do think (since he is so unwilling, for so long, to give you the closure you need by being honest) that the truth lies in what you would have reacted least badly to or what you could have created least hassles for him with.

He had Viagra with him? Does he often carry them around with him? Not that it helps determine if she was a prostitute or not, it just helps determine premeditation. What does your gut tell you?

If it’s not too painful for you try going back in your head to dday, and trying exploring both scenarios to see what your reaction would have been to
a) he slept with another regular woman/friend/coworker/neighbour, who may or may not have been married,
b) he slept with a prostitute.

I can’t help but think your husband’s reaction/version of the truth/coming clean would have been based on how he would have predicted you to react. I say that because if it hadn’t been for the fact my husband KNEW I could get independent verification of his acts, he too would have told me either what I wanted to hear, or what impacted him least and caused least shame & embarassment to him.

Again, I feel for you deeply lady. You are long overdue some closure from all this.

[This message edited by AnneOther at 3:28 PM, March 4th (Monday)]


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, March 4th (Monday)

double post. sorry.

[This message edited by AnneOther at 4:57 PM, March 4th (Monday)]


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, March 4th (Monday)

Do you mean that you can look online to find out where the prostitutes hang out? Are you kidding me???

Assuming you're meaning the street-walking variety, yes you can. Where I live the venues for street-walkers change regularly, from certain streets, to parking lots, to recreation areas. But the information IS available online. I just can't help you with US information. I am sure the toehr ladies can though. And let google be your friend too.

I am SOOOO sorry for this t/j. I am sooo sorry that I am whinning about this again. The anniversary of this infidelity comes this Saturday - when we are supposed to go to our Retrouvaille meeting. There has never been an anniversary that has bothered me so much
.

It's not a t/j from where I am standing. The information you ask for would be information that any woman in similar circumstances (with prostitition I mean) would be interested in. And you are NOT whining, and don't you dare apologise.

I just want to know. I just want to know. I just want to know.

And you have every right to feel that way and to know the truth. It's healthy. You're normal. It's your WHs manner of "dealing" with this which is unhealthy and abnormal.

I wish you the best for your weekend at the retreat.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, March 4th (Monday)

Anne...

Thank you so much for your very kind words - no, you do not sound mean.

I don't know how to respond to any of your posts.

I do agree that my husband - being the conflict avoidant that he is - would have said what he thought would hurt me least. That is why I torment myself as to whether or not he lied about her being a prostitute.

On the other hand, his level of shame is so great, and that is what makes me believe it WAS a prostitute.

But still, I don't know.

I have been following the discussion regarding perceptions of prostitutes. I can certainly see why each of you has your particular viewpoint. I am sooo very sorry that you have experienced what you have, and it is my opinion that our personal experiences are what determine how we feel.

I can see how, if indiscriminate sex is not a 'problem' for someone (if both are single and agree) - that you might feel less vile against the idea of prostitutes.

And I can CERTAINLY understand that if your husband gave you the filthy disease from his interaction with a prostitute, that you would feel the way PPGA feels.

Or maybe I am full of shit, and have no idea why anyone feels as they do!

Here is what I believe...

"A man asks a woman if she will have sex with him for 1 million dollars. She thinks for a minute, and reluctantly says, 'Yes, for a million dollars I would.'

He then asks her, if she would have sex with him for $10. She replies, "For $10, of course not! What do you think I am?'

His response? 'We have already determined WHAT you are...now we are just haggling over the price!"

This is what I believe. For me it is a moral issue. It is standards. Ethics. Character. I personally don't believe you can be a good mom, for example, and be a prostitute. Make a mistake - yes. Do something so repulsive on an ongoing basis? No no.

I say this just to illustrate that a great part of my pain is with the lack of character / morals / and standards that my husband has exhibited - not only with his infidelity, but with his lies.

It is just almost more than I can bare to realize that not only did this man that I adored and cherished could cheat on me, but that he could care so little for me that he could lie about it, and refuse to make it right.

That is probably mostly why it hurts so badly to feel so strongly that it is entirely possible that I know even less than I thought I did.

I don't know what would be worse for me...

I'm glad that I don't have to move, or see the OW at the grocery, or that he is still not working with her.

But I am not sure that would be worse than to know that my husband sought out a street whore to have sex with instead of me - his wife.

What kind of man is this? I am so sad that he has violated himself in this way.

Character, integrity...these are the things that mean the most to me. My husband does not exhibit these things now. NOTHING hurts more. Especially when I know that he can be and should be so much more.

Anne...

Thanks so much for the comment about me deserving come closure on these things. I honestly believe that if I had the truth, and a couple of weeks to 'deal' with it, that we could get on the road - the maybe long road - to healing. But his guilt and shame is so bad, and his unwillingness to deal with it. He is willing to just exist. And so must I - if I choose to stay.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 3:55 PM, March 4th (Monday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, March 4th (Monday)

I am SOOOO sorry for this t/j. I am sooo sorry that I am whinning about this again. The anniversary of this infidelity comes this Saturday - when we are supposed to go to our Retrouvaille meeting.

Hopefully you can get some answers at Retrouvaille. I haven't been but have heard good things about it. Perhaps it is the combination of that with the anniversary that is making you trigger. Hopefully it will be a wonderful weekend and you can come back with something significant to report!

Typically the advice is to trust your gut. Not try to figure him out but trust what your intuition is telling you. Personally, mine has been extremely accurate. Much more so than my SAWH's words.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, March 4th (Monday)

sorry - double post

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 3:57 PM, March 4th (Monday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, March 4th (Monday)

I'm sorry I was unclear about Retrouvaille.

We went for our weekend 2 years ago. We have been to all the post sessions.

The sessions we sometimes go to now are the CORE sessions. Just an ongoing gathering to spend time with "friends of the marriage" and discuss certain issues.

If I announce that I'm going - he goes too. If I waited for him to initiate - we would never go.

I'm so tired of 1/2 a man. A weak, selfish man. A man who is afraid to look at himself and his flaws and get to work.

I can't explain how, but I will tell you that in every other aspect of his life - he has excelled. To a greater extent than I can say - without telling you who he is. But when it comes to working hard for US - no dice.

I might have the strength (I've been sick) to go this Saturday. He probably won't go, and at least I could be somewhere without him.

I don't know. I don't know.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, March 4th (Monday)

Haven't been back here lately and seems it got heated on here!
Whatsright, I think it sounds exactly like he was with a whore. You are like the rest of us, our minds play the worst case scenarios over and over again. His story about how he met her sounds logical to me.
Mine went to a site and picked them from their, so he really made the conscious effort to do it over and over again, then again he is a raging SA so who knows what the hell he is capable of doing? Stop worrying that she wasn't a whore, I am sure she was. I know that is a small consolation, but any little thing at this point helps.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, March 4th (Monday)


At this point, I can't imagine that there is anything that could cause more pain than I have been in. Unless it was still happening now.

I just want to be important enough to him that he is willing to face the truth, and tell it to me.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, March 4th (Monday)

Oh WR, the more I read of your husband, the more I get the feeling yours and mine are twins separated at birth (and ok, by an ocean). No one that knows my husband would believe a) he cheated b) it was with a hooker or c) he has severe mental issues. He too has excelled in everything in life except close relationships. The front he presents to the world is so different to how he really is. I said it before, I wouldn’t be sat here right now if it wasn’t for his IC. If I hadn’t “initiated” the IC and full disclosure to the IC (read, “you go to IC, you spill the WHOLE story NOW, or I am outa here, and I am coming with you to the IC to make sure you give out the WHOLE story, not your edited version”) he certainly wouldn’t have gone, and wouldn’t be on the path or recovery and getting to know himself (even to like himself) that he is on right now. And we wouldn’t be well on the road to recovery. He has even started saying things like “why didn’t I go down this road of IC 25 years ago, my life and shortcomings and negative self-feelings are finally beginning to make sense and I can see I can change them”. I have always loved him, deeply, but I think I like him more now than I have in – well, ever. He is becoming real. (that sounds weird, I know, but I can’t explain it better).

Obviously I don’t know your husband, and I have no idea if he slept with a coworker or a hooker. I know though that I (and I know you too) could forgive either. The behavior of his that I find truly unforgivable is his refusal to give you what you need to find closure. The truth. A ONS with a hooker, or even a month long affair with the woman next door, they can in some way be dealt with as some kind of temporary lack/break in sanity. What cannot be explained though is the length of time he has denied you what you need. What I will say though, every set of circumstances is unique, I got closure because I had the means of forcing the issue, either WH came clean or I turned to other sources which he knew would be 100% accurate. You don’t have that ace up your sleeve. If my WH had been in the situation your WH is in (has a choice to come clean or not), I don’t know if he would have. In fact, as much as I hate to admit it, I don’t think he would have as the shame would have been too great for him. He would probably have let me walk right out of the door.

Regards mothers being prostitutes. I actually agree with you. Although I won’t condemn or judge a woman who supports her kids by being on the game, I would never do it and would move mountains to ensure those close to me never had to either. Children learn by example. And while the children of a fairly well paid hooker might have more material things than a mom working in Walmart, material things are not that important. Setting examples and living an ethical life are. Besides all that, the stigma for children of prostitutes, if it ever got out what their mom did for a living, must be horrible and bring a life time of IC with it.

And yes, whether they earn $10 or $1,000,000 – they are whores none the less, I will never dispute that fact.

You are in my thoughts often, all the best WR.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, March 4th (Monday)

I want to ask the question, "Why would a person be willing to spend the rest of their life just existing?"

I would be referring to my WH, but - of course - that is also what I am doing.

We can be the 'leaf' or the 'wind'. Right now I am the leaf.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, March 4th (Monday)

WR, if you want to message me the name of the city where he met the whore, I will try to find out where the street walkers hang out there. In the meantime, ask him to tell you the name of the street, or area he was in, and we'll see if things match up. OR, better yet, get him to take you there. I made my H drive me 250 miles and show me the strip club where he met the whore.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, March 4th (Monday)

Regards mothers being prostitutes. I actually agree with you.

What about daughters? Would you be ok for your daughter to be a prostitute?


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, March 4th (Monday)

I'm sorry, but unless they are a minor that has been forced into selling her body I have to sympathy for whores.
There are plenty of jobs to do to make a living that don't compromise your values and principles, but if you think so little of yourself to sell your body then I guess that doesn't matter.
I don't blame the whores that he cheated with, but I sure as shit have no sympathy for them and I turned in one of them to the police and they said they would get the vice squad on it. Dumb twit wasn't smart enough to make it very hard to find her real name, address and police record..


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)

Missymomma,

What about daughters? Would you be ok for your daughter to be a prostitute?

If you read my post you wouldn't have to ask that. I stated quite categorically "Although I won’t condemn or judge a woman who supports her kids by being on the game, I would never do it and would move mountains to ensure those close to me never had to either".

Can you understand that, can you get the whole thing that because one supports a concept or refuses to condemn a concept, that it doesn't actually mean they take part in the concept? Pro-choicers don't necessarily have to have abortions, pro-gun lobby don't necessarily shoot people. People who support gay rights can actually be heterosexual.

[This message edited by AnneOther at 2:54 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)

TOTP,

I'm sorry, but unless they are a minor that has been forced into selling her body I have to sympathy for whores.
There are plenty of jobs to do to make a living that don't compromise your values and principles, but if you think so little of yourself to sell your body then I guess that doesn't matter

Neither do I. There is a big difference between having sympathy for whores and refusing to condemn and judge them.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)

don't blame the whores that he cheated with, but I sure as shit have no sympathy for them

^^^^This


Posts: 5730 | Registered: Apr 2006
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)

Can you understand that, can you get the whole thing that because one supports a concept or refuses to condemn a concept, that it doesn't actually mean they take part in the concept? Pro-choicers don't necessarily have to have abortions, pro-gun lobby don't necessarily shoot people

Yes, the condescension is a little too much from you. What is clear is that people that are prochoice have no problem with having an abortion and I know no one that is pro gun lobby that doesn't own a gun. You seem way too comfortable with prostitution being a viable option. Do you understand how that could come across on this specific thread?


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)

Yes, the condescension is a little too much from you. What is clear is that people that are prochoice have no problem with having an abortion and I know no one that is pro gun lobby that doesn't own a gun. You seem way too comfortable with prostitution being a viable option. Do you understand how that could come across on this specific thread?

And wrongly calling my husband a SA and wrongly accusing me of having adopted his SA thinking is not condescending? Repeatedly saying I am pro-prostitution because I won’t condemn them or judge them is not condescending either? And don’t get me started on your opinion that just because someone is pro-choice, that they have, and I quote “have no problem with having an abortion”. Yes, I bet they all just waltz in there like they are getting their legs waxed.

pot – kettle – black ?


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)

Calling your husband an SA was a mistake, I was getting you confused with another poster. It was not condescension. I am pro choice and that would mean if I was faced with the choice, it would be a viable option. You have ignored anything I have said that disputes your stance, as your "facts" are the only facts you are interested in. I have been PMd by members disturbed by you posting your pro-prostitution stance on this thread.

You need to think about your impact upon others before posting the things that you are. I realize that you are new to this site but there are quite a few people in pain on here. Your championing of prostitutes is not appreciated on this thread. So let's get back to the issue at hand. Supporting those whose SO has used prostitutes. Not supporting the prostitutes themselves.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:25 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)

AnneOther & Missymomma...

If you both can't post to eachother without resulting in personal attacks then you both need to stay off the thread.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197384 | Registered: May 2002
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)

No problem. As I said, I wanted to get back to supporting those whose SO has used prostitutes.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)

If what I posts disturbs you, then don’t read it or report it the moderation team if I am breaking rules. And there you go again accusing me of “championing” prostitutes simply because I refuse to condemn and judge each and every one of them as filthy, scum of the earth. And yet again you call me “pro-prostitution”. I have my opinions, you have yours. I am not trying to stifle your opinion, even though I also find a lot of what you say offensive, maybe you could extend me the same courtesy? And we ALL need to think of the impact our words have on others, that includes you as well as me.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:29 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)

AnneOther...

You really need to back off. I've already flagged you once for your attacks.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197384 | Registered: May 2002
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)

AnneOther & Missymomma...

If you both can't post to eachother without resulting in personal attacks then you both need to stay off the thread.

Thank you.

Point taken Deeply Scared. It would be good just get back to the discussion at hand.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)

AnneOther...

You really need to back off. I've already flagged you once for your attacks

.

Deeply, my apologies. My connection is not that fast and the post you flagged me on, I was already replying when that flag went up. As soon as saw your flag, I backed down.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)

I understand...thank you


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197384 | Registered: May 2002
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)

So to get back to the subject at hand.

Greensleeve


Not sure why I find it funny other than this: It's like a used car. More mileage, less value, less cost. If it wasn't for humor, I don't think I could have survived. There are times when I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he had sex with strangers, had sex with someone of questionable morals, etc. I have been where you're at and it gets easier, but not at first and not during the first year after DDay.
This is good thread. We all are healing at different levels and times. But we heal because we are here for each other.

It is great that you have been able to get to the point. It helps to hear that. I do think it gets easier the further we are out from it, as long as we are doing work. Anything that you specifically recommend? I know the things that are helping me but wondered what has worked for you?

[This message edited by Missymomma at 10:46 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)

It is very common that when questioned, WS's will give part truth part lie. It is natural and far easier than making up a complete doozy of a lie to incorporate a partial truth. Based on what I have read on the 'hobbyists' sites, that is exactly what happens if they are driving around looking for a whore. While out of town, he probably looked up where online where he could find one, drove around till he spotted one, she got in the car, and off they went.
JMO, but I think she was a whore. Please don't agonize over this anymore.

FWIW, totally agree with all of the above.

And I wanted to explain, a "hobbyist's" site is a forum where people who use prostitutes hang out online. They share info about where to go, etc. They post reviews of different hookers, what they say they will do and what they really do, etc. "Hobby" is part of their lingo, so they are hobbyists, the secret phone they use is a "hobby phone", they may ask others IRL if they are into the "hobby" to find out if they are hookers or johns.

So yes, there are online resources for people to find hookers.

Also, many hookers/whorehouses use social media to solicit clients. They try to "friend" or "follow" potential clients and message them through FB, Twitter, etc.

I am so sad that a thread like this is needed and by so many. (((hugs)))


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)

It is very common that when questioned, WS's will give part truth part lie. It is natural and far easier than making up a complete doozy of a lie to incorporate a partial truth. Based on what I have read on the 'hobbyists' sites, that is exactly what happens if they are driving around looking for a whore. While out of town, he probably looked up where online where he could find one, drove around till he spotted one, she got in the car, and off they went.
JMO, but I think she was a whore. Please don't agonize over this anymore.

FWIW, totally agree with all of the above.

And I wanted to explain, a "hobbyist's" site is a forum where people who use prostitutes hang out online. They share info about where to go, etc. They post reviews of different hookers, what they say they will do and what they really do, etc. "Hobby" is part of their lingo, so they are hobbyists, the secret phone they use is a "hobby phone", they may ask others IRL if they are into the "hobby" to find out if they are hookers or johns.

So yes, there are online resources for people to find hookers.

Also, many hookers/whorehouses use social media to solicit clients. They try to "friend" or "follow" potential clients and message them through FB, Twitter, etc.

I am so sad that a thread like this is needed and by so many. (((hugs)))


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2011
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)

And I wanted to explain, a "hobbyist's" site is a forum where people who use prostitutes hang out online. They share info about where to go, etc. They post reviews of different hookers, what they say they will do and what they really do, etc. "Hobby" is part of their lingo, so they are hobbyists, the secret phone they use is a "hobby phone", they may ask others IRL if they are into the "hobby" to find out if they are hookers or johns.

Wow. More information. This is an aspect I didn't know about. Sad that it is out there. It is just sickening the way that women are just commodities.

Hath, how are you doing?


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
DrivingPast
Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, March 5th (Tuesday)

want to wake up:
In some ways it's as though it makes ALL women potential OW. I don't have to 'worry' about him getting too close to a neighbour, co-worker or friend... because he'll screw anything. He doesn't have to know her, doesn't have to even like her, she just has to be available

This is also exactly how I feel. Heck, he doesnt even have to find them attractive!
So, what does that make me?


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
JamieMc
Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, March 5th (Tuesday)

Hey all, my WH cheated with hookers too, I posted earlier in this thread and a few others regarding him having unprotected BJ's from strippers/prostitutes. I realized during my "have to know everything" phase that there are online sites where men discuss where and when to find hookers with details such as appearance, when they were most likely to be working, rating them on ability, what they were willing to do and what they charged.. It was mind boggling to me, they were discussing them like they were livestock up for auction! The men referred to themselves as mongers, short for whore-mongers. As I was sifting through some of this info I had to stop to up chuck, it was that disturbing to me.,So sorry we are part of this shitty club none of us wanted to join:(


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, March 5th (Tuesday)

Oh the hobbyists make me want to
Go out and find some REAL women! These are the same pathetic men that think the whores actually want to have sex with them! They are so gross. They do everything sexually with them which is beyond gross and act like they have scored like frat boys lol..they paid them to fuck them and yet it is an ego thing for them.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
AppleBlossom
Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, March 5th (Tuesday)

My SO chose to be with prostitutes because they were "wrong" and it was bad and dirty and taboo. He had been a victim of SA as a child and he explains the need to go out and have sex with a prostitute as a release and a form of confirming his self loathing. In his mind, not having an emotional connection was to protect me and our relationship.

I must admit, that when he told me (he pocket dialled me while he was fucking her - I listened for 11 minutes and 35 seconds) later that it was a prostitute I was relieved. I am not sure how I could cope with the knowledge that he found a woman sexually or personally attractive, or find out about their conversations, their texts, chats, emails...

He has told me in detail about their encounters. In the city where I live, brothels are legal and strictly regulated. The prostitutes are looked after and protected. I know where the brothel is, I know the positions, I know that there is no way a prostitute in that brothel is allowed to have sex or give oral sex without a condom.

In my view, the fact that this was with a prostitute has allowed us to be very clinical about our conversations about the sex and the infidelity.

My greatest hurt is that until this was revealed to me, I had no idea about his depression and anxiety, his suicidal tendencies and his need to be seen as perfect by me, while feeling like an evil man. I had no idea the extent of the abuse he suffered as a child. I am hurt that he did not confide in me about these things.

He is in IC and we have talked deeply about a lot of issues.

I am not sure that I could have done that if it was an affair, and to those that work through this situation, I commend your commitment and strength.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)

Appleblossom,

In the city where I live, brothels are legal and strictly regulated. The prostitutes are looked after and protected. I know where the brothel is, I know the positions, I know that there is no way a prostitute in that brothel is allowed to have sex or give oral sex without a condom.

I agree regulation makes prostitution safer for the clientele, and if it’s safer the men, it’s safer for the wives who don’t know they’re WHs are using them.

He is in IC and we have talked deeply about a lot of issues.

I read your profile page and found it very encouraging from mine/fWHs standpoint. Thank you for sharing it.

He is in IC and we have talked deeply about a lot of issues.
I am not sure that I could have done that if it was an affair

Similar feeling here. The clinical nature of it all has been the one saving grace in this whole fiasco for me. It’s easier for me to deal with the fact he slept with a hooker than it would have been if she had been “real” and not bought and paid for. Although that feeling only came later, initially I was the complete opposite, and cried and cried “why with a hooker, why not a real woman?”. I now realize that a real regular woman would have meant an affair with real regular emotions, and real regular problems afterwards that would/could/does make reconciliation that much harder.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)

JamieMc,

there are online sites where men discuss where and when to find hookers with details such as appearance, when they were most likely to be working, rating them on ability, what they were willing to do and what they charged.. It was mind boggling to me, they were discussing them like they were livestock up for auction! The men referred to themselves as mongers, short for whore-mongers. As I was sifting through some of this info I had to stop to up chuck, it was that disturbing to me.

It’s not that I don’t believe you, I do. I know these sites exist and have visited them. What I find totally unbelievable about these sites, well the ones I looked on at least, is the sense of pride these men take in their whore-mongering. I have no issue with any unattached bloke that takes himself off to a prostitute, that’s his business, and I wouldn’t judge him. But I cannot for the life of me understand their pride. I would have expected to see men riddled with feelings of inadequacy, guilt and self-loathing, no what you see on those sites are men thriving, enjoying and taking a certain amount of pride in their “hobby” of paying for sex. I so don’t get that.

[This message edited by AnneOther at 3:29 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)

My SO chose to be with prostitutes because they were "wrong" and it was bad and dirty and taboo. He had been a victim of SA as a child and he explains the need to go out and have sex with a prostitute as a release and a form of confirming his self loathing

I can so relate to this. I honestly believe this was the motive behind my SAWS seeing hookers as well. It's like they try and find the most disgusting way to debase their self since they feel they are so worthless. One of the many things my WS said to me on D-Day was "What kind of fucked up person pays for sex"? Well, I think we know the answer to that.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)

I wish that I avoided this thread because as I stated before, to a large degree I "don't want to know" what these men do with hookers. I never asked my XH many details. But I keep reading this and learning stuff I don't want to know. Guess I have nobody to blame but myself for that!

Hobbyists? I am on the Internet just about all day long every day between work and play and while I have seen my share of icky ads for stuff like Ashley Madison, I have never run across anything about "hobbyist" websites to help them with their "monging." I am not curious enough to search that out and I am serious when I say I "don't want to know."

I divorced my XH in 1992 and I shudder to think how much he could have expanded his "hobby" with the help of the Internet these days though he doesn't seem to use his computer that much so maybe his same old methods of finding them (or them finding him) work fine. I do believe there was some way he hooked up with women (hookers or maybe just free sluts, I don't know?) on the CB radio.

Of course I can hope for his sake, and our children's sake he is not doing it any more, but I sure would not take any bets on it.

Go out and find some REAL women! These are the same pathetic men that think the whores actually want to have sex with them!

There were things that my XH said that make me believe that he actually did think those women "liked it" and unbeknownst to me when I married him when I was 19 and he was 26, I now think that most of his prior experience was with prostitutes and that is what he compared me to and I believe he was disappointed with my responses to him, thinking I should love it and overeact the way the paid whores did. Yeah, I'm sure they really loved it.

It makes me feel all the sorrier for the XH. He was not very good at pleasing a woman. I don't like to talk about it or think about it. It wasn't that "bad" I guess but my current H, who has only been with 5 women in his life, and married three of them, is just way better in that department.


Posts: 5730 | Registered: Apr 2006
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)

Bobbi Sue, I just wanted to say sorry that this thread is triggering for you. If triggering is the correct word, I am not sure. Sorry anyway. It sucks. It’s a sordid world we find ourselves dragged into.

There were things that my XH said that make me believe that he actually did think those women "liked it" and unbeknownst to me when I married him when I was 19 and he was 26, I now think that most of his prior experience was with prostitutes and that is what he compared me to and I believe he was disappointed with my responses to him, thinking I should love it and overeact the way the paid whores did. Yeah, I'm sure they really loved it

This is so correct IMO. It’s like teenagers exposed to a lot of porn, or men who use a lot of porn regularly, they develop a skewed sense of what sex actually is, what women actually like and don’t like, how women actually act between the sheets. Because it’s all false. I would think if the majority of your XWHs sexual experience before he met you was with prostitutes, then yes he maybe/probably did have a very skewed sense of what real intimacy is, how real women have sex, and would have been expecting “whore like” actions and reactions from you.

It hurts, disgusts and saddens me that any woman is exposed to those kind of expectations in a marriage.

The problem IS his though, not yours. Don’t lose that fact out of sight, ever.

And as for them thinking their paid for whores actually enjoy their work, if they are that deluded they probably also think that Dustin Hoffman really is autistic.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)

I guess maybe those who choose to stay and R have a harder time dealing with the horror of prostitutes than those of us who choose D. I was initially mortified, and repeatedly mortified and sickened by the knowledge that FuckTardExSpousalUnit was doing street whores. Now, it's so far away from where I'm at mentally that it barely registers on the radar. I won't go so far as to say that it doesn't hurt anymore. But, the longer I'm away from him and not exposed to the abuse and trauma, the easier it is to not even think about it.

The only thing that I know for sure is that, because of the level of deceit and betrayal, there is no way in hell I could ever trust anyone again. Funny thing is that I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by not being in a relationship or even dating. I finally realized that I am not the one with a hole in my character. I'm not missing a damn thing. It feels good to be whole again, and healing.

Thank you SI

[This message edited by EasyDoesIt at 8:14 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)]


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)

So, if these men go to the prostitutes just for the sex, why did my husband go???

He is disabled, and has to actually give himself a shot in his penis in order to have an erection. Then, he doesn't even 'feel' the contact normally.

What does this say about me? He was willing to not only be unfaithful, and not only defile himself with prostitutes, but do it for very little (if ANY) sexual feeling, and 99% chance of NO RELEASE - if you know what I mean.

So...what was HE doing???


(Sorry for the TMI) I didn't do it for effect - I just want someone to know how I feel - he tore up all our lives, and didn't even 'get off'!


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)

So, if these men go to the prostitutes just for the sex, why did my husband go???

WR, I don’t think they all just go to hookers JUST for the sex, or maybe more accurately just for the sex act and ejaculation. It might be true to say most men do go for the sex/ejaculation. But there could be a myriad of reasons why a man pays for a hooker. Everything from voyeurism to a power trip getting someone to do his bidding which could be anything from dressing in a way that turns the man on, to dirty talking, or some kind of weird (socially unacceptable) fetish.

I was watching an American documentary last night, hope this is not TMI but it was about a (pay) sex webcam site staffed by morbidly obese women. The agency running this website has 400+ morbidly obese women on their books, so it’s not even that much a niche market, there is obviously a big demand for this. The men that use the website pay per minute or per 5 minutes and the woman he chooses has to “perform” for him in that allotted time slot, he dictates what he wants her to do. The performing the men ask the women to do varied from the usual sexual stuff to – well, can I watch while you clean kitchen naked or can I watch while you take a bath or talk to me like I am a naughty 6 year old.

If my husband asked me to dress up in a nuns costume, say 5 hail Marys and call him monsignor, I would tell him to take a running jump of a high cliff, but say something like this is really what gets a man off, what he fantasizes over more than anything else, then they can take that kind of behavior, those kind of wishes, to a prostitute. I have heard some really funny prostitute/client stories in my time, I don’t believe all of them, but if even half of them are true, men go to hookers with some really weird requests, which do not always involve the actual sex act or oral.

What about men who are “bottoms” (or whatever the BDSM term is) who go to prostitute “tops” and pay the top to let them (the bottom) clean the bottom’s bathroom and toilet? Paying to GET a toilet cleaned we all understand. Paying to be allowed the privilege of cleaning a toilet, most of us will (thankfully) never understand that.

I don’t understand it, no, but it DOES happen.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)

(Sorry for the TMI) I didn't do it for effect - I just want someone to know how I feel - he tore up all our lives, and didn't even 'get off'!

Slight t/j - with both of the physical encounters my H had (one with the prostitute, one with a woman he met in a bar when we were separated and heading toward divorce) he didn't get off because he was too drunk. Nice. I tell him, you caused so much grief and you never even got off. Gah, can't even cheat right! I kid, but I'm at a place that I can at this point.

So, if these men go to the prostitutes just for the sex, why did my husband go???

In the case of my H, he went along with someone else because he was drunk, and I think on some level he looked up to this guy AT THE TIME and wanted to impress him. I fully believe he wasn't thinking oh yeah, I'm going to fuck some hot whore. It was more like, A-hole is a cool guy and so I'm going to go along with what he wants to do. Dude Bro. Testosterone. Male bonding and all that. Mixed in with a bunch of Crown Royal.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6672 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, March 7th (Thursday)

My WS went to whores because he is a SA,,it isn't even about the sex with them. So in my case and I am sure many here, especially the ones married to a SA it isn't because they weren't getting awesome sex at home or they wanted some fetish.
No matter why they went, it isn't anything wrong with US!!


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, March 7th (Thursday)

Whatsright, it is something lacking in HIM, not you! Please don't lose sight of that.
I know how hard this is to do.
We all have to remember that no matter what they did with them or how much it hurts, they are the broken ones that turned to meaningless, cold and from what I hear, mostly boring sex. My WS said they might as well have been blow up dolls. Dull, generic, nothing sex.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
bravebird
New Member
Member # 38076
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, March 7th (Thursday)

I keep trying to figure out what he got out it. He used escorts the entire time we dated, but he supposedly stopped after we got married. That pause lasted until I was two months pregnant with our second child. When I found this out in January, the thought of it all was simply unbearable. Now I can think about it without it taking my breath away.

The answers I want are the ones he can't or won't give. Like why did he ever start and why did he resume while I was pregnant. I recently just accepted that he really didn't value me. He may have loved me, but his urges took priority. I may never know the whys. I do know I deserve to be valued. What that means for us? I'm still not sure.

[This message edited by bravebird at 2:58 PM, March 7th (Thursday)]


Me 39, (SA)WH 39,
Married 12 yrs, Together 20, 2 children
DDay 1/4/13

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jan 2013
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, March 7th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry Bravebird. It hurts like hell no matter what the reason. I do know that the reasons have nothing to do with us and we have to believe that.
They chose to do it, and they have to be a special kind of fucked up to be with a whore.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, March 7th (Thursday)

They chose to do it, and they have to be a special kind of fucked up to be with a whore.

If they weren't so screwed up and had any self worth, they wouldn't have to lower themselves to hookers. They really don't feel worthy of real women.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
agreensleeve
Member
Member # 26210
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, March 7th (Thursday)

double post

[This message edited by agreensleeve at 9:43 PM, March 7th (Thursday)]


BS:53/FWS:59(LCFBastard)/M:33 Years
DDay: 25Sep09:Online Porn;2Oct09:Emails/PA w/Escorts 6 times from Apr 03-Sep 09.In IC/MC/R.
This is my quest,No matter how hopeless, no matter how far.To be willing to march into HELL for a HEAVENLY cause.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: CO
agreensleeve
Member
Member # 26210
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, March 7th (Thursday)

Missymomma,
Anything that you specifically recommend? I know the things that are helping me but wondered what has worked for you?

Specifically: IC/MC and a FWH who accepted responsibility, admitted he needed help and got the help and did all the work necessary to kick the Porn and SA.

Specifically: Understanding and accepting that my FWH had a mental, emotional and physical deficiency that required the right kind of help. Understanding and accepting that even though we have been together more than 30 years, he is not me and will not react to situations the same as me. To understand that what he did, he didn't do to hurt me or directly to me, but he did it without any regard to me, my feelings, our marriage. To understand that what he did was all about him. All about his addiction and how to satisfy it.
Specifically: The WS needs to admit they have a problem, admit they need help and they get help and they do what is required of them to get healthy. Remembering they are human, they have faults, they are not perfect, they are so far gone that they don't know how to get out, how to ask for help because of the shame, guilt and addictive behavior.

It didn't happen overnight. Unless you could say overnight was more than 1.5 years and still counting. What worked for me may not work for you. But if your H is truly remorseful, truly ashamed, truly working on himself, you, your marriage/relationship, what the IC/MC is telling him to do and he does it. Sharing PWs, maintaining NC and has told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth then for me, I felt he earned my support, trust and love.

As for the truth listed above. I know there are details that he doesn't remember. Frankly, at this stage in our recovery, that's not important. But him not remembering details is not the same as him not telling me the truth. He has told me everything, he has been truthful.
Specifically: If he is doing everything required by you and the IC/MC. He is no longer living that lifestyle. He is putting you/your relationship first. He is a person you are proud of, then you have to decide if you truly forgive him and want to R. If yes, then, Specifically, you have to move on and not live in his past. Not bring up his past. It will always be part of your marriage history, but you don't have to bring it up all the time.


BS:53/FWS:59(LCFBastard)/M:33 Years
DDay: 25Sep09:Online Porn;2Oct09:Emails/PA w/Escorts 6 times from Apr 03-Sep 09.In IC/MC/R.
This is my quest,No matter how hopeless, no matter how far.To be willing to march into HELL for a HEAVENLY cause.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: CO
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, March 7th (Thursday)

My WH used hookers in Thailand when he was in the military and we were stationed overseas. It makes me want to vomit thinking about all the men those whores were with. I cannot fathom a person who would sleep with such dirty, nasty people.

I've been quiet on SI lately because I've been in a good place. I've been lurking, answering a thread here or there, but mostly trying to stay in off-topic.

I'm pretty down tonight. I just feel like my WH got to go out and live up his life, do whatever he wanted, and I got to sit at home in a tiny apartment, in a foreign country, with a baby, pregnant, and then with two children. I was stupid enough to think we were both making the same sacrifices, being married young and giving up on a lot of the stuff that people do during their twenties. Turns out I was the only one making sacrifices. He was living it up.

Sorry, just having a bad night.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1116 | Registered: Jul 2012
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, March 8th (Friday)

Missy, your post gives me so much hope because I see my SAWS doing all of those very important things too. He has fully embraced his SA and his recovery and you give me hope.
This is especially hard for women married to SA but if they are willing to do the work, then I am willing to support him.

dameia

{{HGUS}} Believe me, we all feel your pain. I have days and moments where I think the pain and images of what he did may kill me, but what has helped me the most is MC,reading books on self esteem, coming here and always remembering it has nothing to with you why he cheated with a whore.
Men can separate sex from love, we all know they can and for some the temptation of no strings attached sex with a whore is too much to resist. I cannot imagine if I had a dick putting it in some of the nasty places they do, but we have to remember that it is not about us or anything wrong with us. Hope you are feeling better today.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, March 8th (Friday)

Green - I love to have people post with specifics, because I think it helps so many of us struggling. You seem in a very good place in recovery. I have found immense support with CODA, COSA, a women's group at my CSATs, my CSAT and our MC CSAT. Many of the books I have been reading. I thought Your Sexually Addicted Spouse really helped me put words to what I was feeling. Claudia Black's new book and Stephanie Carne's new book. If I didn't have support around me, this would be impossible to navigate. My 2 best friends know and have been of immense support.

Tired -

Men can separate sex from love, we all know they can and for some the temptation of no strings attached sex with a whore is too much to resist. I cannot imagine if I had a dick putting it in some of the nasty places they do, but we have to remember that it is not about us or anything wrong with us. Hope you are feeling better today.

Not all men can detach themselves that emotionally to be able to sleep with hookers. That is the hard part for me to wrap my head around. I could never put myself that low to even associate with those people, much less have sex with them. It is a symptom of his disease that he was choosing hookers. Now in his right mind he knows that this shows how sick he really was to debase himself and our marriage that way.

brave - He might not have the answers, yet. It will take a lot of work on himself to come up with them. My SAWH also took a break and then started again. It is called white knuckling and until they get to the root of it, it will start again at some point.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 8th (Friday)

The thing that's helped me heal the most is focusing on myself, and not questioning why he did the things he did (however, that had more to do with the follow-up nonsense after the escort, and not what happened with the escort). It took me two years of circling the drain and almost getting divorced before I learned to think about myself instead of always focusing on him. I had my own issues to work on though (don't we all?) I think IC is a great thing in addition to MC. In fact, we fared much better with both of us doing IC then when we were in MC together.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6672 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, March 9th (Saturday)

It is a symptom of his disease that he was choosing hookers. Now in his right mind he knows that this shows how sick he really was to debase himself and our marriage that way.

So, so true and my WS says the same thing.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, March 18th (Monday)

Bumping this up for the newbies who might need it.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1116 | Registered: Jul 2012
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)

Did any of you have your WS see the same prostitute more than once? That was a big fear of mine and something he lied to me about months about.
I was so drawn to this one skank for some reason and we all know the power of our intuition.

He finally admitted he had seen her 3 times. Well, that set me back to D-Day one. He swears it was because she was convenient and nothing personal about her. She lives only 3 mins from where he was working at the time and he said she was the only one he called that called him back and was available.

I try to tell myself this may be true since he had a list of a lot of others and I saw his Google history where he looked at hundreds of different ones, so if it was only her that was so great, then why look at all of the others and make a list with others on it?

Of course in my mind this seems like she was "the other woman" and that he must have been really attracted to her.
He of course swears this isn't the case.So I called her and while she pretty nice to me, she said she didn't really remember him, when I gave her enough details she said( in her druggie state) that she seemed to remember him but that it was a long time ago, nothing personal and he wasn't a regular

Anyway, this is my biggest source of pain right now and any reassurance is most appreciated.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

bumped for new member


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

OMG!

I've only been on this site for a little over a week but somehow did not see this thread until today. I've read every single post. My SAWH also used hookers apparently for the last 12 years or so (best estimate). I feel like I just woke up to a stranger in my house. If he could do this what else is he capable of? He is deeply remorseful & trying to do all the "right" things. He is going to SA, IC & we are both doing MC. I have so many questions. I saw on here that there are review sites. I have to admit that while this whole world turns my stomach I just want to have an idea of how an encounter goes down (no pun intended!). I mean, my SAWH says he saw one whore twice. They went to a room she already had. It was the same room both times so I'm guessing that is part of the package? That she secures a room for a month...two...six..I try to imagine what kind of small talk they made before..after.

This is something I've never given any thought to before but now that I have been beamed into this new world of slutville I feel the need to understand how it works.

We too have been on a tight budget for three years not knowing one month to the next if the bills would get paid. The first two years of our financial decline I worked a job I absolutely detested but did it because I felt like I was doing my part to help us. I was very frugle & felt guilty even spending $8 for a new shirt at Walmart. I will never forget that a mere 5 days before D-day we went out for dinner and my SAWH brought up how expensive that glass of wine I had was. THREE TIMES he bitched about that $7 glass of wine. You can only imagine part of what I felt when I found out that he had been paying $100/hr for a little piece every now & then. I haven't found out yet what the going rates on the sex menu are.
I'm still so very blown away! My SAWH is just now at a place where he is spilling more information. It's obviously very uncomfortable for him to have to speak these unthinkable acts so details have not been discussed. I don't know why I feel the need to know this stuff but I do definately feel that need very strongly so if anybody has anything they can offer me to prepare me for what I might be getting ready to hear.... I'm ready!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 715 | Registered: Apr 2013
ccw82
Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

I ran across this thread while searching for answers that my WH just cannot seem to give me (he claims he doesn't know the answers himself!).

How can a man whom I called my best friend, love of my life, and soul mate, wake one morning, kiss me goodbye as I leave for work, then hop on an escort website, choose which prostitutes he'd like to see, drive across town, call one, meet up with her in a shady apartment, and have sex with her? Him and I had a great sex life! I don't understand??? This is making me sick!


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
letitout
Member
Member # 38288
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, August 16th (Friday)

My WH saw 5 prostitutes but he saw 1 of them for a year and he "loved" her. He then saw another one for a year and she was so beautiful that it didn't seem right for him to sleep with her. He also thought they liked it and didn't fake it. He also wrote them lovy NC letters. He knew them well. took them on vacations etc.. He had an emotional attachment to them. He was in la la land.


BW 55, WH 64
2 years of prostitutes.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: California
letitout
Member
Member # 38288
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, August 16th (Friday)

Just as a note. Another poster stated that prostitutes can be students, mothers workers trying to make ends meet. My WH fit into this category. the one he saw for a year was a social worker working on her phd. The other was a chef. How this made it ok for him IDN. but he said he didn't care how many they f***ed. I do know they were good at what they did. they took our life savings.


BW 55, WH 64
2 years of prostitutes.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: California
letitout
Member
Member # 38288
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

Sorry I am hogging this thread. I should have put all my thoughts down in one post, but so many keep coming up in my head and I forget my thoughts.

One thing that bothers me is the why and the youngness of them.

The why I will never understand. Using a body for sex no matter what the reason is just repulsive to me.

One of my WH reasons was because of FOO issues, he was unable to form relationships very easily in his teens and twenty's that he felt he was missing that experience in his life so that he felt entitled to it. It was his fantasy. Don't you have fantasies he asked me. Well not like that!

Another reason was the marital part one some of us have encountered. We weren't communicating well, I was sick (had depression), our kids were having problems, we weren't having sex, bla, bla, bla. Instead of coping with it in a constructive way he decided to go to the prostitutes.

Three, he quit taking lexpro an antidepressant that made him horney. So...

I can never accept those reasons. Maybe I just don't want to believe them. I don't think there is a reason out there that I will accept. I think if I were to believe them, then I would have to forgive him and I never will no matter what.

But the young girls. They were 40 years younger than him. He is 64 the youngest was 21. I did my home work and you can find older prostitutes. you have to look for them but they are out there.

I think of him as a predator. An old man lusting after young flesh. He first told me that he couldn't find anyone older, then he told me he liked them that way. It makes me sick.
I still can't get over that part. I hate for what he has done to my self esteem. My body image is so bad now.

I'm 55 and when I found out I humiliated myself to look like them, I bought teen clothes, got my hair styled in a punkish way, had a boob and tummy tuck evual. Everything I could do to make me look younger, because that was the way he liked them.

Sorry for the rant. I have many more comments, but I think I have said my piece for now.


BW 55, WH 64
2 years of prostitutes.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: California
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

My XH went to prostititutes too as I have mentioned before.

I dumped him when we had three young children, and I had been mostly a SAHM during our M, and had no college degree.

I found ways to work part time, go to college and get a degree, and make sure my children were fed, clothed and had a roof over their head, without prostituting myself.

I am sorry but I will NEVER cut any slack to women who prostitute themselves, convincing others they have little choice and it is the only way they can put themselves through school or feed their family.

My XH never told me much about these women, and if they told him personal stuff or justified it to him because they "needed the money" he never told me about that. But then I never asked him many questions. The whole idea of prostitution is so repulsive to me that I really could not even deal with talking about it. And yet I was a married to a man for 13 years that has been to more of them than he could ever hope to recall.


Posts: 5730 | Registered: Apr 2006
letitout
Member
Member # 38288
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

bobbi sue- you go girl. You have showed the world that you can do what you need to do and not prostitute yourself. I think that deserves an applause.


BW 55, WH 64
2 years of prostitutes.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: California
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

bobbi sue- you go girl. You have showed the world that you can do what you need to do and not prostitute yourself. I think that deserves an applause.

Integrity. She has it.


Posts: 1244 | Registered: Aug 2010
jangledchick
New Member
Member # 40863
Frustrated  Posted: 3:42 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

My FT degenerate sunk to the lowest of the low and used prostitutes from the festering streets in our decaying city.

My sexuality has been obliterated. My skin crawls at the thought. I know for sure, that I will never ever again, have sex with anyone.


'Like bells jangled, out of tune and harsh.'
D-Day 19 April 2013 
Me-BS 47 
Him-SA/FWS (so he says) 57 
Married 20 years. 
Learned that he has NEVER been faithful.
Many ONS, many OW & approx 300 prostitutes. PUKE, PUKE, PUKE!!!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: jangledchick
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I'm sorry jangled. ((HUGS))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6672 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
LonelySilhouette
Member
Member # 39502
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I have not seen one other person who was married to a trucker who was addicted to prostitutes. I'm sure they exist though. At this point in life, even though it doesn't mean anything in my current life, I am curious to know if prostitutes knock on doors of trucks without any signal the person in side would be "willing."

I know this is an older thread, but I am married to a truck driver (was an automotive exec, now having a mid-life crisis). I wouldn't say he is/was addicted to prostitutes, but it was his problem. However, for him, it wasn't on the road. It was when he was at home and I was at work that he sought them out. He says the ones on the road are much more questionable and likely to be crack whores. Plus, he has a thing about cleanliness and he sometimes doesn't get a regular shower on the road, and says he was too filthy to be interested. I kinda believe him, although I know the lot lizards would do him anyway. I assume they are well accustomed to truck drivers not being the cleanest individuals.

But, yes, they do come knocking on the doors of the trucks when they are parked. Some lots have security to keep the hookers out. Others are a free-for-all and sometimes it is very organized and obvious with it all being arranged by CB. The truckers getting on a particular channel and saying they are in whichever lane in whichever truck, come on over.

I read an article in a trucker magazine lately that had tips for what truckers can do to send a signal that they do not welcome hooker intrusions at the door. The first one simply being to park close to the restaurant at the rest stop. They say the back lanes are the active ones.

BTW, it's not only women prostitutes knocking on the doors. Sometimes it's men.


Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013
LonelySilhouette
Member
Member # 39502
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Another poster stated that prostitutes can be students, mothers workers trying to make ends meet.

And sometimes they have high paying jobs and are just whores anyway. One of my WH's escorts works for a major automobile plant and probably makes around $30 an hour at her real job, and still escorts on the side. Says she's "exploring her sexuality". I said it would be nice if she'd do that with her own husband. Ya, she's married, too.


Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013
mystified1970
Member
Member # 36291
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, November 15th (Friday)

After more than a year of TT, a few weeks ago WH confessed to using prostitutes. Not that it matters what kind, but these weren't PHd students. These were cheap whores that he paid thousands of dollars to over time.

Not even sure what I can contribute to this discussion other than to say I am just dumbfounded.


heavy sigh

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Asia
jangledchick
New Member
Member # 40863
Default  Posted: 3:14 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Question.

Apart from ALL the obvious reasons to be shattered by their use of prostitutes, understanding the concept of sex addiction and then maybe even feeling compassion for their plight...
HOW do you even begin to imagine having sex again?

I am repulsed by him. He is tainted. The hands I once loved are layered with imprints of all the whores. The smooth olive skin I once enjoyed stroking is now impregnated with the perverted touch of others.

I've been told that I can heal from this and that with time and hard work can recover, BUT I don't want to overcome these thoughts and feelings. I WILL NOT.

Imagine something so repugnant to you that you'd rather do ANYTHING but that something, say... eating the regurgitated food from a cat or a deep fried cane rat.

Then imagine being told, that with time and hard work, you can overcome your feelings. Would you be willing to give time and hard work to overcome your feelings?


'Like bells jangled, out of tune and harsh.'
D-Day 19 April 2013 
Me-BS 47 
Him-SA/FWS (so he says) 57 
Married 20 years. 
Learned that he has NEVER been faithful.
Many ONS, many OW & approx 300 prostitutes. PUKE, PUKE, PUKE!!!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: jangledchick
mystified1970
Member
Member # 36291
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, January 19th (Sunday)

Is using prostitutes a clear sign of SA?
WW's therapist doesn't think he is a SA.

Let's see, he used prostitutes (20+ years younger than him), he lost his home, his family, was living in his office, his business suffered tremendously, he has herpes...

Thus far the confessions are:
1) Hired two different prostitutes on dif. occasions and paid them but sent them away because they looked like crack wh*res.

2) Hired two different prostitutes and did meet them and have sex in cheap motels.

Doesn't that sound like the 2 beers you tell your mom you had when she asked if you've been drinking?

SA? If not, then what?


heavy sigh

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Asia
Topic Posts: 132