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User Topic: Don't Know How
RemoursefulGirl
Member
Member # 38170
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)

I don't know how to detach. I don't know how to walk away from a marriage I want to save. The thought of doing this makes me feel like I don't even want to live anymore (I'd never do anything but its how I feel). Maybe the signs are all there...maybe i want to believe there is hope and that he is just testing me to see if I really care. Or maybe he is really just over it and my betrayal has given him the opportunity to reflect on what he really wants, or doesn't want. I'm not healthy enough yet to deal with what might be a real possiblity...I'm not going to sit here and pretend I am. I'm a fucking mess and I am blaming myself for everything. Please no 2x4's- I just left work early and cried all the way home. My MHH is supposed to call in 10 minutes for our daily 20 minute talk non-affair related and I don't even want to talk to him. He pretends to be happy when he calls bc he committed to doing so but I know deep down inside he probably doesn't want to be doing it....I don't want to make him talk to me for 20 minutes if he would rather not. He tells me he does but I don't believe him. G-d help me....

[This message edited by RemoursefulGirl at 4:28 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]


WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)

How about this.

Tell him you are hurting.

Tell him why.

Let him react how ever he wants to.

Be honest.

20 minutes of forced happy is bullshit.

Tell him you want the M. Tell him that it hurts that he doesn't, yet.

Just be honest. No games.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1970 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)

...But for god's sake...don't fall into the trap of taking "credit" for his cheating.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1970 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)

Mrs panda nailed it. Tell him how you feel, just be honest because it is the only way to get through this. Also dont force something. If you feel sad feel sad, happiness shouldnt be something forced.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2623 | Registered: Oct 2012
RemoursefulGirl
Member
Member # 38170
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)

He knows how I feel. I've expressed it. And he has acknowledged how hard I am working to fix things. He has been careful with his words as to try and not give me false hope (even though his actions sometimes do give me false hope)...like he will tell me he understands how I'm feeling & what I'm experiencing as that's how he felt after my DD. he won't really say "I love you" or "I miss you"...I really want to hear those words but obviously only if he truly means it. It hurts that he won't because I know now that's not how he's feeling.


WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)

So. Who came up with these 20 minute chat ideas?

What did you talk about tonight then?


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1970 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)

Why is the 20 min talk non-A related?

It seems like there are a few elephants in the room now and as such it would be difficult to talk about anything else?


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1064 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
RemoursefulGirl
Member
Member # 38170
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)

Our counselor said that one characteristic of healthy couples are ones that can talk about their day and listen to one another without offering advice. Just listening. So pretty much he tells me about his work day and vice versa. Yes, there are elephants in the room, and we are supposed to discuss those while at our 2 hr MC sessions....this time as well as Friday date nights are supposed to be us reconnecting on a different level.


WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)

Our MC had similar tactic. Reconnect, do things together etc. Ignore elephant.

I finally blew up at him a(the MC) and told him we needed to talk about the A. Jeez.
That was the last session. BH and I both thought he was an idiot.

What are your BH/WH goals for MC? An amicable D? Can you talk about what the goals are next time?

I get the sense that he wants to end things well, and make sure you are "ok" without taking any heat.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1970 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)

Our counselor said that one characteristic of healthy couples are ones that can talk about their day and listen to one another without offering advice. Just listening. So pretty much he tells me about his work day and vice versa. Yes, there are elephants in the room, and we are supposed to discuss those while at our 2 hr MC sessions....this time as well as Friday date nights are supposed to be us reconnecting on a different level.

I would respectfully suggest that this is not very good advice.

I think you guys are standing in a big pile of elepahant poo right now (as many of us are) and it is impossible to ignore the stench.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1064 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)

Doing things that healthy couples do would be great if you guys were even somewhat close to being able to be a healthy couple, but you aren't. You both have just cheated on each other and you are both hurting and trying to ignore what is happening is making this worse.

Finding ways to effectively communicate about this would be a better way to go about it.

Find a MC that is experienced in dealing with infidelity.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4457 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
RemoursefulGirl
Member
Member # 38170
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

We're not necesarily supposed to be ignoring the elephant. He wants us to talk about this and ask as many questions as we feel necessary, but just leave that for inside counseling. Only because he doesn't want that to be the main focus. I don't think he is entirely wrong for suggesting that--not everyone is the same when it comes to healing. For me, I want to talk about it all the time but then I get upset when I don't hear what I want to hear. My H, well he doesnt' like to talk about it all the time b/c he gets angry when he thinks about my A and the position I've put us in. I think by agreeing to discuss these things, inside of counseling might be a safe route to go. No?

[This message edited by RemoursefulGirl at 3:33 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)]


WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013
RemoursefulGirl
Member
Member # 38170
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

This is a relationship wellness center and the counselor is also a pastor...if that changes anything?

I get all the time in our session to speak to my H and ask him the questions I want to ask and tell him how I'm feeling. In turn, he gets to tell me how he's feeling and ask questions. The counselor mediates and makes sure we are speaking to one another in a non-accusing, non-judgemental way and simply expressing how it's making us feel.

[This message edited by RemoursefulGirl at 3:35 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)]


WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013
Finally10
Member
Member # 36900
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

RG:

I'm far from the expert in this, but I suspect the MC is trying to have you guys learn to communicate safely with one another. Holding discussion about A related issues to the supervised setting of the MC's office may be her way of addressing these issues in a setting where she can monitor and correct dysfunctional patterns she observes. I sincerely doubt this is the long term plan.

My suggestion would be to talk to your MC and ask him/her to explain the plan behind the strategy and discuss yours and your BH's concerns openly. If you understand the plan, it may be easier to navigate the process.

If you are the type that things unresolved or un-discussed just fester and build resentment, try writing your thoughts down and then go over them with the MC and your BH when you meet. The process of writing them will be cathartic at worst and may provide an outlet or partial resolution for you between MC sessions.

Good luck to you, I cannot imagine having to deal with both sides of this horrible equation at the same time.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2012
ladypersephone
Member
Member # 38638
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, March 15th (Friday)

I know how you feel. You love him. And letting go of control is one of the hardest things to do when you really love someone. Something to really consider here is that he is taking the time to call you and go to MC. My BS won't. He is making a clear effort. So, if this is your chance, first give up control, take some time to imagine what it would be like if you were together and healthy and talk to him like that. I don't mean to say sweep it under the rug, but you have to get to that point sometime anyway if it does work out.

I look at it this way, I gave every thing I had to my relationship to try to make it better. It's probably not going to work out for me. But, I do not ever regret trying. Even with the D papers on the table, I still treat him with love and respect because that is how I feel. Otherwise, I am not being authentic if I treat him any other way. That doesn't mean he gets to disrespect you, though. Stand up for yourself with love in your heart the way you would if you were working on it.

Give yourself some time to mourn. The old life is gone. You have to start over, regardless of the outcome. So, start over by giving yourself permission to heal. It really is ok to forgive yourself and him. Forgive him if he is in pain, forgive him if he can't get over it. Forgive yourself for your mistake. Forgive yourself if you have to move on. But try not to squeeze so tightly. It's only hurting you more. Love means giving someone the choice to be with you and love you the way you deserve to be loved. Love means admitting when you are wrong.

I hope you are well. PM me if you need to. ((Remorsefulgirl))


WW (Me) 33 (MH)
BS/RA (him) 36 (MH)

Formerly fiercely in love.
Currently on desolation row...


Posts: 55 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 15