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Wayward Side
User Topic: Tell the BW or no?
Shameful1
New Member
Member # 38623
Question  Posted: 4:53 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

For those that don't know, I am the fOW. I left the MM it's all in my profile.

I have been reading a lot and is seems telling the BS is generally the right thing to do, but this has always been to/from the BS to a BS. I have never thought about contacting the BW and I'm not sure that I should since I am the OW. She has had one DDay and he became the *remorseful doing everything right" husband, except he never left me.

I could no longer live with myself and what I had done/was doing. I couldn't face myself anymore.

Do I tell? As far as I know to this day she has no idea he continued his affair with me. Is it best to leave it alone since I am the OW? I'll be truthful and tell you I have no interest in contacting her, it will just cause her more pain and I do not want to do that.

I don't know what to do.


Affair with MM - 05/2010 - 10/2012
Broke it off 10/13/2012
I despise myself and what I have done. Looking for answers


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2013
Mikey56
Member
Member # 38063
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

No, stay out of it.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Jan 2013
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)


No, it is not a good idea for you to contact her in any way. Coming from you, it would seem to her that you are rubbing her face in it.

I understand your concern, but the best you can do for the BW (and her WH) is to remain in No Contact.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
Beyond
Member
Member # 3011
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

Shamefull,

I struggled with this too, years ago when I was done with XMM. For a while, I was physically ill over whether to tell BW. Ultimately, I chose to keep silent because it seemed disingenuous to tell her NOW that the A was OVER. And it also seemed spiteful, although I certainly wasn't FEELING spite.

It's been quite a while but I still think about it from time to time and wonder whether I made the "right" decision. She and XMM are D now, btw. For all I know, maybe she DID find out.

I recommend letting it go and working on you. Very glad you are out of the A!

{{{Shamefull}}}


XOW.

Posts: 341 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Virginia
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

As a BW, I was told by the most recent OW. Sometimes I am grateful she told me. Usually, however, I hate her for it. I will NEVER believe that she told me for my benefit. Does the BW deserve to know? Absolutely. But, you are not the right source IMO.

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Jan 2013
LeftBehind08
Member
Member # 38705
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

Do you know what you want to gain from telling the BW?

I, personally, would not seek her out and tell her. If she came to you, I would tell her to talk to her hubby, but (if pushed) probably answer the questions with yes/no.


Sometimes it's lonely, Sometimes it's only me & the shadows that fill this room...
But it's a great day to be alive & the sun still shines when I close my eyes ~Travis Tritt

Posts: 77 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington
Rella
Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

From a BW,

I'm not sure why you would want to reopen this wound for her. She has already suffered pain that you can never understand until you yourself wear her shoes.

If you are truly out of the A, then let it be and give her some peace. If MM tries to contact you again, tell him that one more contact and his BW will be notified of his repeated attempts to resume the A and that you can supply the proof. I have no sympathy for this kind of sneaky insincere two-faced WS.

Please seek IC so as to hopefully prevent another such event from occurring, and to come to some peace yourself.



Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

She was in a false R and didn't know?

I'll be the dissenting voice and say she should know. I would hate to hear it from the OW but I'd rather know the truth of my M than not.

This is from my perspective though. If I have another d-day, EVER, it's immediate D. So being told would be of a help to me, no matter who told.

Is there a friend or family member of hers that you know she confides in? Some way that an electronic trail of communication can be slipped to her?

Brainstorm about the kindest way to let her know she was in a false R. She *is* in a false R. Because you can't truly R with lies like that between you.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11097 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

I'm with Holly. I strongly believe the BW deserves to know. How can she move forward constructively if she does not have the truth?


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8478 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

As a BW, yes, I would want to know I was in false R, even if it had to come from the OW.

You already helped destroy her marriage. It is not for you to judge whether you will cause her more pain, since you have no idea what her M is like. Maybe her WH is playing his role well and she feels she needs to give him a chance, but knows false R is a deal breaker.

You have an opportunity to give her the truth. IMO it is the least you can do.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

I am with Holly, solus and cdnmommy. The BW should know the truth.

I was told by the OW. OW pretended to be its dead ex-husband in the letter OW sent me. OW told me in a very unsympathetic way. OW's intent was for me to kick FWH to the curb so OW could move in on him and not be blamed for telling me.

Tell as kindly as possible. Say you are sorry, call yourself some names, and get to the point, no embelishment, and none of your feelings matter to BW. At least, that is what I would have preferred.

SisterMilkshake,

I am so sorry to have to tell you this. I am a **** and I continued to have sex with your WH even when you thought it was over. The last time we were together was XX/XX/20XX. It is ended now. I will be NC with you and WS from this point forward. Again, I am sorry, although I know those are worthless words from me.

Mr.Sister'sOW

That is all I would want to hear from OW.

eta: didn't realize I was in Wayward forum

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:06 AM, March 14th (Thursday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9491 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
BIZZYBEEZ
Member
Member # 37645
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

Any other BW triggering over this AP post? I read the 1st sentence & almost came out of my skin.


BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 39
DDay - 10/22/2012 (worst day of my life)

Learning to breathe again - one day at a time


Posts: 235 | Registered: Nov 2012
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

After reading your story in your profile, I think you need to tell her. Purely factual and with an apology that she probably won't accept. You know this guy's tricks and she needs to as well. If my STBX hadn't gotten so good at hiding things before I bought a house with and married her, my stupid, codependent ass might be in a different place right now.

Posts: 1642 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
dov46
Member
Member # 29283
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

Sister...I love your posts...but on this one, I must disagree. How about this...."Hello...I am the other woman and a cheater...and your husband is also a cheater...I'm so sorry I helped to hurt you!" I agree w/the rest of your post:) You can't make this shit up....it's awful....but let's not forget...it takes 2 to screw the fuck around:(

[This message edited by dov46 at 11:18 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)]


ME:BS (46)
HIM:WH (37)
Husband caught in EA/PA 1/09. Filed for Divorce 2/09.
Reconciled 3/09....remains rocky!
Dday #2?-1/23/12
Divorced 6/26/12
It's the friends you can call up at 4:00 a.m. that matter....Marlene Dietrich

Posts: 156 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From:
brokenprincess
New Member
Member # 38683
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)

I would just let it go and move on with my own life, if I were you. It will only destroy some of the healing. If he he being truthful to her now and he resents what he done, it will never happen again. He will spend his life feeling guilt for the parts he hid. Either way, he will have his life to deal with this.


Me~Thrown away Princess
Together almost 4 yrs

Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: somewhere out there
Lowlow
Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, March 14th (Thursday)

I have to agree with Holly-it is and Sistermilkshake! As the BW I would really want to know. I would be devastated to know, but as a Bw, I would need to know so that I could make an informed decision about whether or not I would continue to try with reconciliation. Without trust, there can't be a relationship.

It's the only honest thing to do. I think you are brave for wanting to do this. It will be painful, but I see this as being similar to one BS spouse contacting the othe BS, an unpleasant but very necessary thing to do. It is a human thing to do.

You are brave. Please do this for the BW. No matter what happens, at least you are no longer part of the lie.


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, March 14th (Thursday)

Hi Shameful1

I guess we are split here.

If it were my marriage I would want to know. What if he moves on to someone else? She deserves to know he was keeping it alive. It is better than living a lie. If you are the only option to bring it forward then it's your job to do it...IMO.Everyone deserves the right to make choices about the rest of their life by knowing the truth.

I would not do it without proof. She will just think you are a scorned OW.Or her H will be sure she thinks you are.

I would contact her via email...or snail mail, not by phone or in person. Keep it brief. You do not need to give any details, just the facts about going underground.

I would let her know a number to contact you if she wants to talk. And let her know you have the proof if it would be helpful should she want to call bullshit on her WH's lies.

She may never call you, she may sweep it under the rug and believe her H. She will be hurt, again. Devastated.

But she can face her future knowing she has the truth in front of her.


I do not like what you have done, but I give you credit for posting in this forum.

I hope you can get into some IC and heal what's broken.

(((hugs)))

K~


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3788 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, March 14th (Thursday)

I would want to know,and it wouldn't matter to me who told me.

The common advice on SI is not to contact the AP. I contacted OM the day after dday1. He told me everything I wanted to know. He was apologetic,straight forward,and answered every question. He told me the truth. I know this because when WH found out I had emailed him,he came forward with info that he hadn't planned on telling me.

I don't hate the AP. I realize they could have been anyone..they were just willing and convenient. I also dont blame the AP..I dont like them..and they knew WH was married..but I dont hate them. In an odd way,I am thankful that OM was honest with me and he helped me more those first few days than WH did. I just wanted the truth. I needed to know what had happened in my marriage...and AP told me.

If you do tell her,do it in an email. Be kind,be honest. Tell her her WH broke NC and stick to the facts.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7248 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
AnneOther
Member
Member # 38368
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, March 14th (Thursday)

I would have to be in the want to know camp too. Would it be ideal hearing about it from the OW? no of course not, but is preferable to living a lie, not to mention the amount of second guessing ourselves and self-doubt that I am sure many of us BWs have when our H are deceiving us.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, March 14th (Thursday)

I'd also want to know that I was living a lie.


Posts: 7433 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
ItStillHurts
Member
Member # 33617
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, March 14th (Thursday)

Wow. You can't win here. You have no right to tell anyone how to live but to forgive yourself, it sounds like you need to tell how you were living.

I am not nor have I have ever been in a program that requires one to right past wrongs, perhaps someone can help you here with that insight, but if you are genuine and you are not doing this to get even, this heart breaking news is something that some of us here believe we would want to know. At least now I would.

I don't know if i could have handled one more ounce of grief at or around DD.


The cruelest lies are often told in silence (RLS).
DD: December 24, 2010, when she called me from a pay phone pretending to be someone else.
Me: BS (53)Him: WS (56) OW: 63 yr old Husband hunting predatory whore

Posts: 361 | Registered: Oct 2011
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, March 14th (Thursday)

This is a quote I recently read:

I Would Rather Be Hurt By the Truth Than Comforted By a Lie.

This is appropriate for this situation, I believe.

t/j dov46 ~ I will stand by that is what I would have only wanted to hear from the OW. And, that isn't what I heard, unfortunately.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9491 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, March 14th (Thursday)

As a BW I would want to know. My WH#2's OW told me both times. The first time I was in shock. The second time with false R, not so much shocked as hurt that he was still trying to hurt me even after he saw my pain from DDay#1. The second time she left me a note in my jewlery box, just saying she had been back in my home and the affair never ended. I don't know why she wanted me to know. The first time she was mad at him and was trying to break up the marriage. I am sure the second time it was for the same reason, but I am really not sure, hopefully it was guilt that made her do it. Either way, I am glad she told me or I would still be living in a false marriage thinking my husband loved me, when obvusly he didn't. He didn't love her either which is really the sad part. He used her for sex and the high he got from having his ego stroked. I think he actually wanted us to fight over him.

If you do decide to tell her, tell her why you are telling her. It won't make her like you any more, but it may give her some peace in the long run that you are no longer after her husband. Maybe they can start to really R if that is what she wants and he is willing to do the actual work.

Now you must work on yourself to make sure you never let yourself get in this situation again. It is not worth all the pain that everyone suffers, including yourself. Peace be with you as you make better life choices in the future. ((HUGS))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
ItStillHurts
Member
Member # 33617
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, March 14th (Thursday)

TG. Re this : hopefully it was guilt that made her do it.

You must be inherently decent and it sounds like no matter the intent but there was no honor in this....it was driven by malice or childishness. Not goodness or decency.


The cruelest lies are often told in silence (RLS).
DD: December 24, 2010, when she called me from a pay phone pretending to be someone else.
Me: BS (53)Him: WS (56) OW: 63 yr old Husband hunting predatory whore

Posts: 361 | Registered: Oct 2011
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, March 14th (Thursday)

If OW said that to me right now, I don't think I'd believe her. I know she is upset that he won't talk to her, and I would think that was her motivation.

Having said that, I still think you should tell her. She is trying to build a new "honest" marriage and he is still not being honest. I also think he is counting on you to keep your mouth shut and it will be a good lesson for him when you don't. Additionally, I think if he feels like he "got away" with anything it might plant seeds that he could again.

When push comes to shove, if he was truly and completely remorseful, he would tell her himself. He wouldn't be able to stand continuing to lie. On the off chance that he has, you won't be telling her anything she doesn't already know.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
CrappyLife
Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, March 14th (Thursday)

BH here. Looking at your story and how the WH kept fishing and lying to his wife even after she found out, I am also in the camp that believes that she deserves to know the ugly fucking truth about her husband. You had enough sense and guts to end the A. But that guy clearly wanted to continue the cake-eating. Now that you have moved away, he will continue to fish and find some other woman. And his wife continues living the LIE.

I look at it as doing her a favour by telling her. She can make a choice based on the truth. Of course, it should not be to get revenge on your AP (that does not seem to be the case), but rather for the AP's wife to know the reality of her life.


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
starstruck
Member
Member # 29547
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, March 14th (Thursday)

OW called me to let me know WH was "fooling" around--supposedly he had broken it off.
As a BS I would want to know that WS was still lying to me, so I am on the side of letting her know.


DDay 7/29/2010
Am hoping to reconcile!! Am I crazy or what?
If we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves-Thomas Edison

Posts: 323 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Pa
Issaquah
Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 14th (Thursday)

As a BW I would want to know the truth as well. If you chose to tell her please do it with kindness and about her, not you or your guilt...because if you your pain that will shut her down (unless she asks). I've spoken to a couple of my WH's AP's - the first one from years ago was helpful in giving me inside info about what my WH was doing and I was able to hear her as she was nice and matter of fact; the most recent one was awful and even though I heard some of the things she said (that he's had a girl on the side our entire M) I couldn't take her seriously and went off on her.

The truth can really set you free and she deserves it. As a BW in false R, your gut still knows something is off and true healing of the M cannnot happen if that is what they are attempting.

I did want to say how proud I am that you have the courage to post about this and work on yourself.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, March 14th (Thursday)

As a BS that would want to know if my H was not being truthful, I feel she should know that he was not being honest.

I feel the truth always has a way of getting out. One way or the other. She should know what was happening in her life, so she can make her own choices. I am sure this won't be his last time to do this.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4677 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, March 14th (Thursday)

As a BW I'd rather know than not. Would I want to hear it form the OW? No, but I'd still rather know.

The more complicated thing, over which you have no control, is whether she believes you and/or whether her WH convinces her you are lying or fesses up. She may prefer to tell herself you are lying and she may call you a liar or worse. Or she may ignore you so that you have no way of knowing what happened. Please, if you do tell her, do not try and engage with them any further afterwards, no matter what provocation. You are no longer part of their lives and it is better for all of you if it stays that way, once you have told her.

Also, just a quick aside: Telling her won't make things right, you can't make this right and that's a consequence that you have to carry with you. But hopefully you are working on making better choices and learning to respect yourself.

Take care

[This message edited by Fidelia at 9:50 AM, March 14th (Thursday)]


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
mindbody
Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 14th (Thursday)

I think his BW should know the truth, even if you, the OW is the one to tell her. Personally, I would prefer a letter written to me by the OW rather than a phone call with such painful news. It would give her a chance to receive the news and begin to process the devastation privately.

This would definitely be an example of you having to let go of the consequences. Even though she may not want or accept an apology, even if it's sincere, I would do that also. If it's the truth, tell her you will remain No Contact with her H forever.


Posts: 299 | Registered: Mar 2010
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, March 14th (Thursday)

You need to tell her, and try to be date and time specific as you can be. That way when she goes to confront her WH, she has enough ammo to know he's lying.

I agree with everyone else, the BW needs to know. And even if he's not with you, it doesnt mean that he's not with someone else and still cheating on her.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1694 | Registered: Sep 2012
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, March 14th (Thursday)

another BW who would want to know this. Please do not call her.. that won't go well.

Send her proof via email or snail mail. That will help her confront him, in the event that he tries to paint you as the "crazy" OW.

She deserves to know.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3534 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, March 14th (Thursday)

As a BS - you can bet your behind I would want to know. No, you are not the ideal or even just a bad source but a horrible source would be better than me believing a lie. Maybe I am just totally abnormal. To me - honesty comes before anything else as far as any chance for R with my WH. Anything less is my hard boundary now. So, again - yup - I sure would want to know.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
bestbecameworst
Member
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, March 14th (Thursday)

Please tell; I would want to know.

But I wouldn't likely believe it without proof so as others have posted, send it to her with proof.

bbw


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

Posts: 595 | Registered: Mar 2011
bestbecameworst
Member
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, March 14th (Thursday)

... oh and by the way... I wish every AP were as remorseful as you are. From what I've read it sounds like you will never allow anyone to make you "that person" ever again.

Kudos!

bbw


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

Posts: 595 | Registered: Mar 2011
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, March 14th (Thursday)

Hi Shameful1,
It's really great to have you here and I'm confident your journey will end with you as a happier, better person and a much more fulfilling life!

On this current topic, if I understand correctly, your WS/MM you had an affair with was discovered, but then convinced his BW that the affair was over, into reconciliation, etc. etc. but simply took the affair underground?

Yes, his BW needs to know this since he was lying and gas-lighting her, while conducting false R that entire time. That makes it pretty clear this guy does not deserve R nor really in R if that is how he conducted things.

The problem you face is that a BS will generally not believe the AP (i.e. you). And if her wayward husband was able to lie and gaslight her to believe they were in R, he will likely work his snake oil to convince her you're just being vindictive or jealous and making the whole thing up.

Do you have any proof? And of so, is there a way to get it to her anonymously? She deserves to know what she has gotten into and his true motives as these are important. He could very well start up another affair without his wife's knowledge if he was able to do this with you...

Anyways, good luck to you and welcome to SI!


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 712 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
jackson
Member
Member # 18819
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, March 14th (Thursday)

I would like to add my voice to those that would want to know. What he has done with you he will do again and again with someone else. The BW needs to know.

Posts: 790 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Midwest
Shameful1
New Member
Member # 38623
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, March 14th (Thursday)

Do you know what you want to gain from telling the BW.

I gain nothing by telling her. I out myself as being *that person* and I have to face the woman I have devastated. She does not know who I am, she only knows *a woman* existed.

For those who believe I should tell; do I do it by email or snail mail. The phone feels very inappropriate and I couldn't show her the proof. I do have proof. I have the texts, emails and IM logs from the time after he told her he went NC with me and after I left him in October.

I almost deleted everything, but I thought if he didn't go away I would need them.

I'm not sure what to do. I understand her having the right to know and being able to make choices about her future, but I also understand coming from me it is even more pain for her. I don't know anybody from their lives that I could have pass on the info for me.

I can't even figure out what I would write...


Affair with MM - 05/2010 - 10/2012
Broke it off 10/13/2012
I despise myself and what I have done. Looking for answers


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2013
FR2012
Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, March 14th (Thursday)

Why is anyone saying not to tell?
It makes you wonder why you are saying that.

IMO Shameful1, you should find a way to contact her and tell her. I know it will probably be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but she deserves to know. She already knows that her husband cheated, she just doesn't know what happened after she found out. She deserves to know.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, March 14th (Thursday)

I would maybe email her proof from an email your AP wouldn't know. Maybe not say anything if your proof is enough. If not, say very little. Knowing it is you giving her the info will make it hurt worse I would assume.

Good for you for wanting to change who you are


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
MissMovingOn
Member
Member # 30720
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, March 15th (Friday)

I think she deserves to know. I would want to know. She's living a lie, and as SisterMilkshake quoted, it's better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie!


Me: BS, 34
Him: (SA/NPD)WH, 31
Multiple ddays since 2010 (Latest January 15th 2013) - not counting anymore!

Posts: 367 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: West Coast Canada
whatlysbeneath
Member
Member # 32665
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, March 16th (Saturday)

S1,

BS here.

First, thank you for breaking off the EA with the MM and I admire you for taking responsibility.

It is also very fortunate that the BS discovered the EA before it could progress beyond ALL your boundries into a PA.

I am not discounting the devastation of EAs, they have ended many Ms. However, speaking as a BS that hoped early on that I was dealing with an EA the truth it was a PA truly destroyed me!

I was in false R with WW for 5 months before I discovered that the PA had went underground.

I remain thankful that I found out about the A going underground. Immediatly after DD I was in a huge BS fog wanting desperately to believe that my WW was in real R. The truth that she was still lying hurt but ultimately REALLY helped me in my search for the truth and real healing!

Please tell the BS!

It will sting her but ultimately she will appreciate the truth.

Telling the BS the truth will also help you. It is NEVER too late to do the RIGHT thing!


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together 18 years
M 17
D day 2010
4 young children
Every secret in a marriage is a lie...I'm tired of being lied too.

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Mayberry to Hell to Limboville
dov46
Member
Member # 29283
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, March 16th (Saturday)

T/J: It isn't what I heard either:(


ME:BS (46)
HIM:WH (37)
Husband caught in EA/PA 1/09. Filed for Divorce 2/09.
Reconciled 3/09....remains rocky!
Dday #2?-1/23/12
Divorced 6/26/12
It's the friends you can call up at 4:00 a.m. that matter....Marlene Dietrich

Posts: 156 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From:
scared&stronger
Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, March 17th (Sunday)

I don't care what the motivation is for telling....she should know she has been in false recovery.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3959 | Registered: Aug 2007
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, March 18th (Monday)

BW here. Please tell her, and provide the proof to her so he can't keep lying. I WOULD want to know, no matter who told me.
It's the right thing to do.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 584 | Registered: Mar 2003
covergirl20
Member
Member # 32325
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, March 19th (Tuesday)

If you're taking votes. Yes she should know. No I wouldn't want to hear it from the OW.

I would DIE if I thought it ended and it didn't. I would be mad that I missed out on the life I could have been living without my dishonest H. Sounds like he will just pick up an A with someone else. Like being caught didn't matter. He liked being in an A too much. I would want to know!

I read your story. I believe you. Thank you for realizing the pain involved. I wish OW would contact me and apologize. It would make me feel better. But only because it's two years out. I'd be happy if she felt guilty. Right now I don't think she gives a shit. :(

Good Luck.


BW 31
WH 35
DS-8 years, DD-2 years DD- 10 months

Married 9 years
D-day 5/29/11
TT 6/27/11 EA was a PA too :(
Two Years 5/29/13 STILL IN LIMBO! WTF!


Posts: 269 | Registered: May 2011
snookie
Member
Member # 36569
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)

hi, im a former ow and i would suggest that you strongly think about the reasons as to why you want to contact his bw and be totally clear on the fact that the conversation can go either way, ie, your the bitter bunny boiling ow if her husband has implied that of you after his dd, or she will not beleive you etc, realy think about how it may effect you emotionally afterwards, i dident contact ex mm wife after both dds as when i made the choice to walk away for good i healed myself without inflicting more pain on a woman who knows nothing about me or my name, i also deleted every single text message, emai and other affair related stuff in order to move on and find my own closure in dealing with the magnitude of emotions and guilt etc, hope this helps a little bit

Posts: 86 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: uk
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)

your the bitter bunny boiling ow if her husband has implied that of you after his dd, or she will not beleive you etc, realy think about how it may effect you emotionally afterwards, i dident contact ex mm wife after both dds as when i made the choice to walk away for good i healed myself without inflicting more pain on a woman who knows nothing about me or my name

I'm not too familiar with FOW healing processes and what is recommended, so take this with a grain of salt. While it is good to prepare yourself for a multitude of responses, I don't think your emotional state is the priority here, i.e whether or not it will suck to be the bunny boiler. I mean, your emotional healing is critical, of course - but you can process her response and still come out emotionally healthy, even if it is difficult in the short-term. In the short-term, BW comes first. It is the least any OP can do.

FWIW, as others have said, the OW would not have inflicted more pain on me by telling. I would say NOT telling is inflicting far, far more harm. Walking away and leaving them at peace is not protecting anyone (IMO).

In an ideal world, I'd want to hear info from the other BS. But, in lieu of that for whatever reason, I'd actually WANT to hear from OW (which I did). Random people = random hearsay in my mind. NOT trustworthy since they weren't involved. OW is the source. Sure, she might think you're lying. But let's give the BS some credit. She has a reality and a context from which she can evaluate your contacting her. She can evaluate your evidence, etc. When I met with OW, I surely knew she was spewing some serious bullshit at moments because, you know, I know my WH and her story didn't fit him totally. And I had my own timeline. But I was also able to glean some truth. The BS will figure it out. And she may not be as fragile as you think. Give her credit, give her the truth.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
notquiteoverit
Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, March 21st (Thursday)

BS here - tell her. She needs to know. When you do tell her, please be remorseful and truthful. If she has questions, answer them honestly.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 573 | Registered: Jul 2011
lilflower1000
Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, March 21st (Thursday)

You need to tell her. I am not sure how, but you need to tell her. She needs to make some decisions.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 306 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
thegooddokta
Member
Member # 35641
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, March 21st (Thursday)

I wanted to call the OM's BW for the longest time, but didn't for all the reasons mentioned here. It is now 10 months later and my desire to speak with her remained. A lot has happened, but OM wound up starting another affair before we ended ours, and both he and OW left their spouses and had a relationship ( i just found this out). Three divorces. For a variety of reasons, I wound up contacting the other AP. We talked....and talked...and compared notes. She wound up breaking up with him that day realizing he lied and lied and had begun to lay the ground work to cheat again. Then SHE called the BW. Apologized, talked, etc. The BW wound up asking her for my # and if it was okay to call me. I said "of course!". She called. We talked for 2 hours. I told her the whole story. Turns our she didn't know much and I was able to answer all of her questions. She forgave me, and even thanked me for helping to free her from a relationship with a NPD. It was weird, and amazing. She gave me absolution and I got unstuck. The three of us have continued to correspond via text....all getting clairty and bonding. I know this is unusual, but I think its helping all of us to heal, knowing we were all impacted by a NPD, serial cheater. The BW said it helped her a great deal to talk to me and she thanked me repeatedly for my openess....even apologized to me for what I went through. I know this isn't typical, but it shows that you never know how positive it can be to communicate until you do it. I now wish I had called her in the beginning like I wanted to. Could have saved her a lot of wondering and trying and pain.


Me- BW 43
Him- WH 35
1stDday Dday 4-19-12
Married 9 yrs
Divorce sched for June 2013
2 kids 5 & 8

W/H-currently has a new girlfriend. We are still living in same house.


Posts: 118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: CT
SorrowBhindSmile
Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, March 21st (Thursday)

BW here....i dont normally read or post in the W forum....but i feel compelled.

Tell her.

As a BW, for me personally, it was the lies. months and months of lying. every single day is a struggle to put myself out there....to make the leap to try and rebuild the trust....to rebuild the connection. That is enormously painful...every single minute of every single day...its a gaping open wound, bleeding profusely.

If i was putting myself thru all that only to find out months later it was all based on MORE LIES, MORE DECEIT, FALSE RECONCILIATION.......i cant even fond the words.

Tell her. Snail mail and include some proof for her. Nothing graphic, tho.


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
budbusch
New Member
Member # 35946
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, March 21st (Thursday)

Shameful1,
AS a fWH, I know the A is never over until every secret has been revealed. I once tried to control information to my wife. I soon found out, I had no right to determine what she should or should not know.

You need to tell her. Technically you are still having A with MM even if you are in NC. I agree that you need to keep it non-personal, Email. You need to keep it short. Be clear there is NC. If you need to provide reasoning, just tell her you are not going to be the one to deny her the truth. The truth will set you free.

Give her the truth and then walk away. It is her M and she needs to work it out with her H.

I do applaud you for walking away. Continue working on yourself. Best of luck.


ME: fWH 30
HER: BW 29
OW#1 2001 preM ONS
OW#2 2001 preM cooworker
2002 DS Born
OW#3 2002 preM ONS
2003 M
OW#4 2005 co-worker several months
OW#5 2005 co-worker several months
OW#6 2005 co-worker a few months
OW#7 2010 co-worker a few mo

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: MD
Shameful1
New Member
Member # 38623
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

I sent her an email yesterday with an attachment of the proof. I did create a new email to send it. I wasn't sure if she would want a way to contact me if she has any questions.

I was very remorseful and apologetic in my email, but short and to the point. I didn't mention my pain or struggles, I made sure she knew I knew I was responsible for her pain.

I hope I have done the right thing.


Affair with MM - 05/2010 - 10/2012
Broke it off 10/13/2012
I despise myself and what I have done. Looking for answers


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2013
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

Thank you for telling her. As a BW I know I would appreciate knowing the whole truth regardless of the amount of pain it causes.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 463 | Registered: Apr 2012
cletuswv
Member
Member # 37463
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

You have without a doubt done the right thing.


Me: BH 40
Her: WW 35
DDay #1: 9/28/2012
TT until:
DDay #2: 1/03/2013
2.5 yr LTA EA/PA
Dday #3 6/19/2013 OM #2
DD 4
DS 7
She moved out on 7/2/2013

Posts: 94 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: The best Virginia
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

I hope I have done the right thing.

This is a hard one. But, as long as you did it for the right reasons, I think you did the right thing.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4436 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
whatlysbeneath
Member
Member # 32665
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

Thank You S1,

You did the right thing regardless of the motive.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together 18 years
M 17
D day 2010
4 young children
Every secret in a marriage is a lie...I'm tired of being lied too.

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Mayberry to Hell to Limboville
rivenheart
Member
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, March 25th (Monday)

As a BW, I think you did the right thing. There's no good way to find out your S has been screwing around. So long as you were truly telling the BW out of a sense of fairness, and not angling for any emotional leverage on her or the WS, then you done good, or as good as possible in a terrible situation.

I will say this - as the OW, you're one of only two people with direct knowledge of what happened during the A. Chances are good that BW will never want to speak to you. But if you put it out there to her that you were willing to answer any questions she might have, there's always the possibility she might contact you. Your honesty about the A will probably never be seen as a gift, but it might nonetheless be some small help to her.


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, March 25th (Monday)

BW here. I would want to know.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1353 | Registered: Dec 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, March 25th (Monday)

I told the BW of my AP. She thanked me and said I wasn't the first one...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4675 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurting7897
Member
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, March 25th (Monday)

BW here and I think you did the right thing as well. I too would want to know. I applaud you for being on here and taking responsiblity for the mess you helped create. I applaud you for the hard work you are doing on yourself and for asking for advice here. You DO care about the hurt you've caused and are trying to make amends. As a BW yeah, I wish my FWH's OW's were like you. None ever apologized--the one he had a PA/EA with actually put a status on her Facebook, "Fuck you and fuck her too." Such venom from the whore who tried to steal MY husband! It is healing to read about a FOW who really gets it.

I wish you happiness in your recovery. I do believe you had a sincere heart in dealing with this. I hope you keep us posted about any communication you receive from the BW.

Hugs to you.


Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2014-Forgave him! Life is sweet!

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: united states
Topic Posts: 63