SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: When your BS betrays you
cs2384
Member
Member # 34873
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, March 15th (Friday)

Almost a year After d-day my BH posted pictures of me on Craigslist offering a wife swap without my knowledge or consent. He then emailed and texted pictures of me to strangers. He also put out his own personal ad saying he wanted revenge.

I thought we both wanted recovery and was completely devastated and disgusted. It's been about six months and we're still really struggling. He's been verbally and physically abusive since I told him about the affair as well.

I'm at the point where I'm really trying to change who I am and look at the reasons I did what I did. I am realizing I had really poor coping mechanisms and terrible boundaries. I work every day on these issues.

Now it's so complicated and we have these two major issues to deal with. And I really feel like I can get over the Craigslist stuff. I think he has his own issues to work through. I don't feel there can be any reconciliation on my end because what I did was WAY worse, he says. And he says he did it because he was so hurt and angry still.

So how can you recover when there is so much hurt on both sides?


WW--me 28
BH--32
Married ten years
Two daughters 7 and 8
In recovery

Posts: 88 | Registered: Feb 2012
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, March 15th (Friday)

Unless you both own what you've done, you can't recover the marriage.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37404 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, March 15th (Friday)

I am just confused why couples that seem to despise hate each other stay together. You may say that you don't despise each other and that you love each other. It surely is not my definition of love.

Because you cheated first does not mean he can do whatever he wants and you HAVE TO STAY married to him.

My only advice would be to get a D. One of you should file. Just my two cents.


Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, March 15th (Friday)

He posted pictures of you on CL?? I am so sorry but that is pretty f'ed up - no matter how upset he is. And you certainly don't have to 'get over' it.

You must remember that you do NOT deserve to be physically abused. No matter what you did. If it was a deal breaker then he should have D you. You do not deserve to be treated this way.

Is he doing anything to help him? He obviously has his own issues to deal with.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
kenny55
Member
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 15th (Friday)

This my have been illegal as well. I heard of a guy doing this with an ex girlfriend and he was charged with a crime. You definitely did not deserve this.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Feb 2009
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, March 15th (Friday)

He posted pictures of the mother of his children on CL? Texted them to STRANGERS? This was a YEAR after D-Day and he felt justified?

That's horse shit. Absolute horse shit. I agree with Bobbi_Sue. If my H did that to me, I'd assume he despised me and proceed accordingly.

ETA: I missed the part where he physically/verbally abuses you. Please get away from that shit, even if you think your daughters aren't seeing it, they are picking up on it. I watched my dad verbally abuse my mom for years and it messed me up. I can only imagine how much worse it would be with physical abuse. ((HUGS)) The fact you cheated doesn't make it ok for him to use you as his punching bag, emotionally or physically.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 10:35 AM, March 15th (Friday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, March 15th (Friday)

I am just confused why couples that seem to despise hate each other stay together

Oh my God!!! Me too!!! I see it on here so much.

Welcome, cs2384. There are actually quite a few WS's on here that have experienced betrayal from their BS. Infidelity is just one way to fuck someone else over.

Just like our choices, betrayal is not limited to our spouse and other's. It's to ourselves as well. Your BS trashed himself when he did that shit. He also broke the law, though and does every time he physcially abuses you.

Please get away from this man. I don't give two shits about his BS label or pain. He's an asshole and you need to protect yourself from him. Now! That's a HUGE part of healing for waywards too. Self protection and sadly that can start by getting away from the BS, for some WS's.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, March 15th (Friday)

Yea no you don't deserve physical or emotional abuse. You don't deserve him sending out or posting your pic on CL. You don't deserve him flirting and making advances at others whether through CL or in person. I don't care how hurt he is none of these things is right. Also if he keeps abusing you in any of these ways and says well you hurt me first and yours was worse then what do you do? Do you keep allowing him to do these things because you hurt him so much? Wake up he will take every advantage you allow him and you will never be even. Worse of all he will never grow and own his shit because you will always be to blame.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, March 15th (Friday)

He's been verbally and physically abusive since I told him about the affair as well.

This is not acceptable, no matter what.

BH posted pictures of me on Craigslist offering a wife swap without my knowledge or consent. He then emailed and texted pictures of me to strangers.

This is sick.

I think you need to get away from him asap. You are not in a safe situation.

So how can you recover when there is so much hurt on both sides?


I don't think you can at all bc he is actively seeking to harm you.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
cs2384
Member
Member # 34873
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, March 15th (Friday)

Thanks for the replies. The sad part is, as I've grown and learned from my affair it really only helps me see more and more how hurtful he continues to be.

I'm taking steps to be in a better place. I'm not afraid anymore.


WW--me 28
BH--32
Married ten years
Two daughters 7 and 8
In recovery

Posts: 88 | Registered: Feb 2012
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, March 15th (Friday)

I'm taking steps to be in a better place. I'm not afraid anymore.
good.
Please get away from this man. I don't give two shits about his BS label or pain. He's an asshole and you need to protect yourself from him.
I couldn't agree more. Asshole. RUN honey.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5978 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
ladypersephone
Member
Member # 38638
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, March 15th (Friday)

My jaw dropped when I read your post. You made a mistake, but you are not a prostitute and you are worthy of respect. It's not a funny joke and honestly, CL is dangerous!! What he did is public humiliation and had you not had an A, I'm sure you would not let him treat you that way.

I felt the same way often. I thought, I would let him yell at me or call me names because I deserved it. There is a line that you have to draw though. There is a difference between anger for productive reasons and anger that is childish lashing out. It's not ok for him to make excuses for such behavior.

Stand up for yourself out of love for yourself and for him. Otherwise you are on a slippery slope as to how far it can go. And yes, it can get worse.


WW (Me) 33 (MH)
BS/RA (him) 36 (MH)

Formerly fiercely in love.
Currently on desolation row...


Posts: 55 | Registered: Mar 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, March 15th (Friday)

cs2384, that is all kinds of wrong. Get. Out.

The abuse is not cool in the least. A or no A, you are not his punching bag. That is flat wrong.

Our BS has the decision to stay with us or leave us after the A. No, it'a absolutely not easy. This is tough stuff to work through. To stay and abuse a person? Yeah, not good. And sadly, it happens every day. And the WS feels they "deserve" the abuse. And they put up with it. And it only escalates.

as I've grown and learned from my affair it really only helps me see more and more how hurtful he continues to be.

Good.
I'm taking steps to be in a better place.

Great.
I'm not afraid anymore.

Awesome.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6309 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, March 15th (Friday)

BW here. Yes, you chose to have an A. All on you. However he is choosing to "pimp you out" and that is also completely wrong. Utterly wrong. Verbally and physically abusive? So wrong that I would really ask you to think about taking your daughters and calling a shelter. The fact that you had an A does not, in any way, shape, or form, give him the right to prostitute you, urdge strangers to find you and commit violence to you, nor commit violence to you himself.

Run. 1-800-799-7233 is the National Domestic Violence hotline. www.thehotline.org is their website. Get you and your children to safety and then find a lawyer and find out what you need to do to remain safe RO, divorce, etc.

Don''t let this go on. It sounds like the behavior is accelerating. Until he gets the help he needs, you need to protect yourself.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4943 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
pewpewpew
Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, March 15th (Friday)

BS here.
Physical violence is NOT ok, no matter how hurt the betrayed partner is.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, March 15th (Friday)

You may have grown, learned, and you may not be afraid.

But you have not developed enough respect for yourself to stop tolerating the abuse and leave.

You are entrenched in the mindfuck that reads "but YOU are a bad wife....YOU started this...YOU did this to me...I was a good person before YOU cheated."

What he is doing sounds like sadism coming to the surface.

Not recovery material.

When are you going to take steps to get out of this toxic M?


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
ophelia24
Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, March 15th (Friday)

^^^^^^^^^^^

All of the above.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 283 | Registered: Feb 2013
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, March 15th (Friday)

violation of privacy? Egads. Split up and be done with it.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3698 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
Topic Posts: 18