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User Topic: Crumbling Family
ladypersephone
Member
Member # 38638
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, March 16th (Saturday)

Watched "Playing for Keeps" tonight. I was such a sweet movie, but it made me think about how much I wish my family could work out. My daughter is in so much pain right now. I told her the vanilla version of what happened (which I approved with mine and her therapist) and I have gotten her into counseling.

My concern is how things are affecting her with her Dad. He filed. I really wanted to work on our marriage. He has said some really damaging things like "I will find another family of my own" and "I don't want them (the dogs) because we raised them together." She heard his say the first statement and he said the later directly to her. Then she saw him talking to a girl and she has been totally paranoid about it. She woke up this morning worried about a nightmare she had about some woman who hurt her at her father's house.

I just wish that we could make it work. I pray for it, I hope for it and I still work for it even with the D papers on the table. These movies that used to be so sweet before and now triggers.

Anyone else told their kids what they did? How did you explain the D to your kids?

[This message edited by ladypersephone at 1:12 AM, March 16th (Saturday)]


WW (Me) 33 (MH)
BS/RA (him) 36 (MH)

Formerly fiercely in love.
Currently on desolation row...


Posts: 55 | Registered: Mar 2013
OktoberMest
Member
Member # 34173
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, March 16th (Saturday)

I don't have kids.

But I am the child of parents who D when I was very young.

My mum has not been perfect but the one thing she did do right was never discuss their personal issues around me; and both of them never bad mouthed the other to me.

My dad was an alcoholic who'd live in London during the week, drinking his salary so mum had very little no financial support at home. I suspect the last straw was whe she discovered he'd had an ONS with a mutual "friend" - or at least found her knickers in the back of the range rover. Despite that she put her feelings aside in front of me and encouraged us to have a relationship. Ironically they now are very good friends.

I understand you are hoping to R. Is there anyway you can ask you BH to got to a counselling session together to discuss how you guys behave around the kids and what you tell them? I can understand his anger and that is almost impossible to control for a BS, but comments like this:

I will find another family of my own
are not acceptable to be overheard. It is this stuff that will be the most damaging. :( I also suspect everything that reminds him or you and the family he thought he knew triggers him like mad. He has to find a way of dealing with that...is he in IC?

I cant offer you help as to how to tell your kids, but I understand how difficult this must be. I suspect in the anger phase if you ask him not to say this stuff then and there, you may be accused of using the kids...there's no win there. The only way I can see is to agree in safe place/time (with or without a counselor) how you both tackle this issue and promise to stick to it. Good luck.


Me: FWW (35) Growing up at last.
LonelyHusband: BH (41)
Dday 1: 29/Oct/11; Dday 2:15/Nov/11; last TT 15/Mar/12
In R...working my arse off.
When you're struggling with commitment to your marriage, just imagine what it's like to be a penguin.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, March 16th (Saturday)

Same thing here I am a child of divorce. My mother married a divorced man. So I saw both sides.

On my mother & bio-father''s side, while they fought a lot after they divorced, they never did so in front of us. And woe betide the child who tried to insult the other parent or play them off against each other. They had their differences, but they never allowed us to be in the middle.

My step-father''s ex did everything she could do, to poison the relationship between him and his children. She sued him often over trivia. She contacted his command (military) and lied to them about him. She waited until he was at the front door to pickup the children and then would grab them, push them back into the house, and demand more money before he could see them. It was truly horrifying.

I know all of this because I found their hidden stash of legal paperwork and I read it all and continued to read it as the years went by, while I was living with them.

If there is any way that you can get the three of you into family or parenting counciling, I would highly recommend it. You can see the differences between our two "families" to this day. His kids are a mess, to put it nicely.

And I was 13 when I was told about my parent''s divorce. They sat us down, and told us that they were not able to live together, that they both loved us, and that they would always love us no matter what. Yeah, it was painful. But they over and over told us that it wasn''t our fault, they loved us, and they would always love us.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, March 16th (Saturday)

I am really sorry that you are going through all of this.

How old is your child(ern)?

Mine are young, and so far we have not told them any details of what happened. Just that daddy didn't treat moony the way he should have. BW and her therapist also discussed more to say but I don't think BW has said that (basically that daddy wasn't nice to mommy). As they get older, we will tell them more details.

We live separately (will Dat some point) and have promised each other to not bad mouth each other around the kids(and so far has not been an issue) We are co-parenting and so far it is working out. Same rules, same bedtimes, etc.

Our long term goal is to to treat each other with respect, and kindness. BW grew up with divorced parents who did not get along, so she has no desire to have that experience repeated.

At one point early on, the kids did hear us argue once or twice, we don't let that happen anymore.

I hope you can work something out with your H. It is hard if he is still in the hurt/anger phase. I think if he realizes how damaging it is to your kid, he might not do it any more.

Best of luck.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
ladypersephone
Member
Member # 38638
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, March 17th (Sunday)

My daughter is having nightmares about my husband dating. He hasn't been very discrete. That, along with a few other concerns made me make an appointment with a child counselor. He and I have to go first to meet with her. He has no idea how much she is hurting because she won't talk to him about it. I encourage her to talk to her dad more but I think she is afraid he will be mad at her like he is mad at Mommy. I don't want to tell him what she is telling me because I don't want to betray her trust. But, he really needs to watch what he says!!

I'm nervous about initial consult with the counselor. I am afraid we will fight in the room. Another side of me is grateful to have to opportunity to talk with him with a professional who can help me express some of my concerns without him filtering the A into it.

How old is your child(ern)?

Mine are young, and so far we have not told them any details of what happened. Just that daddy didn't treat moony the way he should have. BW and her therapist also discussed more to say but I don't think BW has said that (basically that daddy wasn't nice to mommy). As they get older, we will tell them more details.

She is 10. She has this cartoon where the girl cheats on her boyfriend, and the boy cheats back, etc. It's really vanilla. No kissing or anything, just implied. Although we didn't tell her anything at first, her dad said I broke his heart. She just didn't understand. So when she told me about the cartoon I told her, that is what happened to mommy and daddy. No details. She doesn't need that. She was a little upset but not too bad. She understood why daddy was upset, but she still has a hard time with why can't forgive mommy. That is a hard one to explain at 10. He told her he is not coming home and that he can't be with me. She cried when I told her we were getting a divorce one day because she said something about him coming home. I said, I thought you knew. She said, "I didn't think he would go through with it." I know how she feels.


WW (Me) 33 (MH)
BS/RA (him) 36 (MH)

Formerly fiercely in love.
Currently on desolation row...


Posts: 55 | Registered: Mar 2013
ladypersephone
Member
Member # 38638
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, March 17th (Sunday)

I understand you are hoping to R. Is there anyway you can ask you BH to got to a counselling session together to discuss how you guys behave around the kids and what you tell them? I can understand his anger and that is almost impossible to control for a BS, but comments like this:

I will find another family of my own
are not acceptable to be overheard. It is this stuff that will be the most damaging. :( I also suspect everything that reminds him or you and the family he thought he knew triggers him like mad. He has to find a way of dealing with that...is he in IC?

We are going to the child therapist in 2 weeks together. He is in IC, but I hate his C. He is terrible!!! He loves him. I think he has been counseling him in the direction of leaving because before he went to him, we were in R. After he started going he started lashing out at me.

He says he is happier than ever. His parents told me they had to come up and stay with him for 2 weeks because he was so depressed. I know depression is a companion to anger. So, I do hope he's getting better-- esp for our daughter. He's not really connecting much with her. She says they don't really talk, its just go go go all the time. He buys her stuff, takes her out to eat and spends money on shit she doesn't need. She sees through it.


WW (Me) 33 (MH)
BS/RA (him) 36 (MH)

Formerly fiercely in love.
Currently on desolation row...


Posts: 55 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 6