I've been finding the path through R has it's definite ups and downs. For the most part it has been smooth and I've been lucky but just recently, we hit a few dips.
I mentioned in another post that we are completely tearing our house apart to make room for the baby and take care of much needed organization. We had some serious fights and both said very hurtful things to each other. If we are being honest here, I said the worst of it all. Dropping the D bomb and telling him I didn't love him. Like seriously bad things. There is no excuse for speaking to him or him saying bad things to me as well.
I started digging into my whys about it all to figure out where all my anger was coming from. I realized that I was dealing with my first "recognizable" anxiety attack. I don't think I ever knew what one looked like. I think the combined dosage of revved up pregnancy hormones do not help matters. Sometimes I don't even know if I'm allowed to be upset or if it's "just hormones". Anyways, I thought ok so you've going through some anxiety attacks, now what.
The problem is I don't know what to do on how to snap out of an anxiety attack. They seem to bring on a lot of hidden tears by myself and tons of confusion about everything. Stress from our finances, my infidelity aftermath, feelings that my BH isn't pulling his weight, work problems.. They boiled over into a messy few days. I feel better now but that was only because I was really able to apologize to my BH, he apologized for his shit too and also really started to help. Now we are in the feelings of bliss like the rainbow appearing after a heavy storm.
I'm just really mad at myself for acting in such a manner in the first place. I should not be speaking with such hate towards him when I don't mean it. I gave myself some big 2x4s and reminded myself that my BH gave me a gift of R and I was not acting very gracious. I was acting like a spoiled bitch who just so happened to have a few anxiety attacks.
Now if anyone has any suggestions on how to manage future anxiety attacks, that would be very cool. I have a feeling that I'm not out of the woods yet and the next few months are going to have their ups and downs.