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Reconciliation
User Topic: Is it too late to ask for this?
tryin2havefaith
Member
Member # 37165
Question  Posted: 12:34 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)

Is it too late to ask for this?....

We have passed our two year mark. He has never given me ‘his story’. I pretty much ‘know’ everything due to due diligence. I am kind of a computer geek and was able to do my own PI work to get to it all. But all he has done to this point is capitulate to what I found out.

No, nothing new is out there, there has been NC for well over 18 months now. All verified via keylogger, VAR, cell records, GPS, etc.
What bothers me…he tells me he is sorry. Sorry I am hurting, sorry that I am upset. But I have never heard him say WHY he is sorry. What the timeline from HIS point was. It was all I asked for from him, and still have never really gotten. I think it is part of why I have hit this ‘plain’ so hard. I want HIS voice. I want HIS words. I want HIS thoughts. Not just what I uncovered.

Is it too late to ask for this? Am I too far down the road now to ask for this? He is struggling too now that I have hit this wall. Will this finally break us through and bring us closer to being R’d? Or am I picking at the scab??

Thoughts???


ME- BS 46
HIM- WS 47
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
cheerless
Member
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)

I think it's always an appropriate time to communicate to your spouse what you need from them. And he should want to do that for you.


♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad


Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
sodamnsorry
New Member
Member # 37201
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)

It should not be too late to ask for this.
It's perfectly understandable for you to want this and the lack thereof may explain why you have hit the wall.

It takes two to R.

Without hearing his words, thoughts, and feelings, how can you fully heal? These are vital pieces of information for you to understand whether or not he 'gets it' and is doing the work he needs to understand how he got there and to ensure that he doesn't go there again.


WS (me) 45- Dday was 9/20/2012
Wife 41 (sodamnlost on SI)
Together 9 years, married 5
Stepdad to 6 amazing kids (22, 21, 16, 15, 12, 10)

Trying wicked hard - never giving up.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Michigan
Alex CR
Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)

I don't think it's ever too late.....if you need answers, your H should be willing to help you get them.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1630 | Registered: Mar 2010
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)

Its never too late. Two of my FWH's affairs had been over long before I found out. But I still needed the details from him. Not just what I could prove. He needed to provide me with those answers.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
MFC2011
Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)

No, it's not too late.

If you feel you've hit a difficult or stagnant point, and this information - from him, willingly and in full - would help you move forward.....then tell him that.

I expect that if I ask for information the day before my 50th wedding anniversary, my H should provide it if he can.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)

I do not believe that it is ever too late to ask for anything. Hopefully, during your 2 years in R, the communications between you and your WS has improved/strengthened. Your WS should always be willing to help you heal no matter how difficult it is for him.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 60 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Nov 2011
tryin2havefaith
Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)

Communication is good right now. But have hit the plain very hard. Ive been flat for weeks now. cant seem to break it. He has/is willing to do anything that will help me/us heal. Answers whatever I ask. Just have gotten to point where I feel like...have I asked everything, is there anything I missed. Because it never came from him.

I really think I need his words, from him. His perceptions, rationales....and if needbe any missing items. I just feel that the words I'm sorry are empty because he's never verbalized for what. Don't get me wrong, his actions are there, but I need to hear from him. Could this be a possible healing exercise for him, or am I setting us both back?

In reading 5 love languages...I realized mine has closed to his words , when that used to be mine. Maybe because I haven't gotten 'his words' in this. What I got during the A was 'his lies'. Even after DDay...I got Ttd for almost 6 months.

He is willing, I am just hoping that I'm doing the right thing. It's so damn confusing going through this maze!!


ME- BS 46
HIM- WS 47
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)

Perhaps you can't heal more or go any further in R until he comes clean.

Another vote for 'not too late'.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9725 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
tryin2havefaith
Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)

I asked him tonight for it. He held me and said 'if it will help you...I will do it.". He asked me to pull out a composition book and he will start working on it immediately. There was absolutely no hesitation from him.

Maybe there is some hope I will find a way through the maze and out of the plain.


ME- BS 46
HIM- WS 47
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
tryin2havefaith
Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, March 21st (Thursday)

FWH is beginning his writing tomorrow since he has day off while i work and our kids are in school. He asked me today how I would like him to write "his story". I told him to write it whatever way helps him remember the events. I don't really care about the HOW, but rather am focused on getting his thought, views, perceptions, and actions.

The only thing I requested is he write on the front side of pages so if I had question or wanted something clarified I had a place to note it.

Did I make a mistake not asking for it in a specific format?

I'm really hoping this moves me past this plain


ME- BS 46
HIM- WS 47
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
girlsbird
Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, March 21st (Thursday)

Let him write "his" story his way. You can then write your questions and talk about it


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
tryin2havefaith
Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

He began writing yesterday. The composition book has moved. I can SEE it written all over him. He is feeling the guilt/shame/remorse,the sheer weight of it all. I can see it on him right now, i havent seen him like this in awhile. he has also called his IC to make an appt next week... his next one wasnt till april. He moved it up. Guessing this is much more difficult on him than he thought it might be...and that was only one day working on it. He was physically ill in the middle of the night too. But he thinks I was asleep thru it.

I worried that this might set me/us back since we are over 2 years out, but I think in long run it will put some of it to rest. Maybe go a long way to helping me exit the plain, and find the forgiveness that still eludes me for some of it. For him, maybe he can finally purge it and finally begin to start to find some forgiveness for himself as well.

Just some ramblings in my head today


ME- BS 46
HIM- WS 47
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

For him, maybe he can finally purge it and finally begin to start to find some forgiveness for himself as well.

Has he been in IC at all? MC? Has he ever had to face himself? If this is the first time he has really looked within, I am sure it is difficult for him. This could be the beginning of some real healing for you both.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 5972 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
tryin2havefaith
Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

Yes, he has been in IC since DDay although his IC cut back on frequency of sessions. We have also been going to MC. I don't think his IC has really gotten to the core of this yet. I think him doing this for me, for my healing, may also begin to do some real healing for him too.

I too am so hoping for it (need icon with crossing fingers) to be a catalyst for the next level of healing....for both of us.


ME- BS 46
HIM- WS 47
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
Theradin
Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

Hearing the WS' 'timeline/history' is incredibly important to filling in the blanks. It's unfair that the WS have MORE information than you. All you are asking for is to have the SAME amount of information the WS has. In a sense, it's like the WS has the teacher's grading 'key', and all you have is the exam, so you have to guess at all the questions and hope you're right, when things should be equal and you both have access to the 'key'. (Maybe a bad analogy, but it seemed fitting at the time).

In addition, I also truly don't believe forgiveness can be achieved when the person whom you are trying to forgive won't actually express true remorse and sincerely apologize for HIS/HER actions (not apologize for how YOU feel). Looks like the WS has a quite a bit of work ahead.

Hopefully the 'right' answer will come to you soon. This is no way to live - in purgatory.


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
tryin2havefaith
Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

He started it almost 2 weeks ago, then just stopped a few days after that, and said he needed to talk with his IC before he continues. of course his IC has been out of town for these 2 weeks:(.
He's been in a down mood, sleeping in fetal position quite a bit. I'm thinking he is dealing with it all, and is being overwhelmed. I'm trying to stay detached a bit and let him process. I'm there if he needs to talk, hug, etc.....but am not actively 'coddling' him. I know he had to get through his forest and find the clearing on the other side just as I need to.

I keep wondering if I am handling this right. I question and over-think every step I make....I'm so exhausted sometimes.


ME- BS 46
HIM- WS 47
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

trying2havefaith,

This makes me wonder -

and said he needed to talk with his IC before he continues

In the process of writing "his story"...your husband may have new information to disclose to you. I hope you are prepared to hear this....if that's the case.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6112 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
njgal480
Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

I think writing a timeline is very helpful for both the BS and the WS.

It gives the BS informatiion that they need and it makes the WS take a long hard look at what they did.

Your WS is finally facing his demons- no more rug sweeping.

He may be upset due to this or it could be that there are details that he has never shared with you and that's what is causing his anxiety.

Either way I see it as a good thing.

IMHO the way to have true R is when it is based on a new beginning and all of the past actions have been exposed and dealt with.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3151 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
tryin2havefaith
Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

D2T- that is exactly what is making me crazy right now. It is part of my decision to finally give in and take AD. He doesn't see his IC until next week.

I am REALLY hoping it is him 'coming to terms' with himself. This A was so against his nature. He is horrified at what he did. But I am keeping a bit detached and prepared in case there is more crap to deal with. The not knowing is making me crazy right now. Hoping the med will help with that as I am just mentally exhausted and nothing left in my tank to deal with another huge dip if it comes to that.


ME- BS 46
HIM- WS 47
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
daledge
Member
Member # 38886
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

You are speaking my words! I am not the detective you are though. Any tips you would like to share? I do not think I will ever get out of my husband what I need to know. It leaves me with an empty, hollow feeling inside. I don't feel prepared should he ever stray again.

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

(((tryin)))

Just a thought that I dont' think anyone has mentioned yet. It doesn't seem that you really need the time line, what you need is to know that he understands why he made the choices he did.

For me to heal this was huge, I knew that if he "didn't get it" there was a chance that he would do it again. But with understanding, and ultimately fixing the broken in him, it would help us both heal.

It sounds like he really is taking this to heart, and will most likely lead to that revelation. Make sure you let him know that you appreciate his efforts, and support him through this. This is taking a lot for him to do this. Not that he he shouldnt, but support, and appreciation goes a long long way.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7785 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tryin2havefaith
Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

Tush- I am showing him some support, but I'm trying not to coddle either. It's such a fine line to walk. He needs to go through what he needs to go through. It's not so much the time line (which I've pretty much pieced together), but hearing it FROM him. I have out pieces together, but he's never laid it all out for me from his mindset. I just continually have a nagging feeling that there is something I missed. I think because I found him out, and I did all the discovery

He sees where he went astray, where he stopped communicating, but is now trying to figure out why his perceptions of things were so off-base. Where did his reality change and why. He has told me that looking back he can see I was communicating and being honest, but he just did not believe me....and for life of him he doesn't know why. Why he didn't turn to any of his REAL friends and only spoke with OW. He SEES it all, but is trying to figure out WHY he did it.


ME- BS 46
HIM- WS 47
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, April 4th (Thursday)

you guys are so close. Once he can own the WHY, then i bet it will be like the final piece of the puzzle falling into place.
You are doing a great job, and it is sooo aggravating when you know what needs to happen, but you can't make it happen. Hopefully his IC will help him over the hurdle.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7785 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tryin2havefaith
Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, April 5th (Friday)

Thank you TN. I am praying it is this. I just don't know if I have strength enough to start back at square one again with anymore earth-shattering revelations. Especially after so long of NC, verifying, etc. all the trust that has begun to be built back over all this time of him walking the walk.....to go back again, I just can't do I think his IC appointment is next week.


ME- BS 46
HIM- WS 47
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
tryin2havefaith
Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Update:

Well, his IC had a family emergency, so his appointment was put off now until next week.

I have been so wound up about what 'might' still be. We talked last night and I put my fears out there, and asked him some questions. I needed to know if there was another bombshell of a revelation he was holding back. Is that why he has been restless in his sleep, why he seems so distracted.

He allayed my fears. Said there was absolutely no more bombshells. He has been piecing bits and parts, that at the time seemed innocuous; but now he sees as mini-boundary issues. Told me there are little things like that that now taking a good hard look back at with 20/20 vision...sees as the fishing expeditions that they were by the OW. Still is trying to figure out why he did not turn to any of our friends of the marriage when he was struggling. But that one he feels he still needs to work with his IC on.

I looked at his eyes as he told me. I believe he is telling me the truth. I could see the pain/anguish/remorse written all over him. I let him know that he can tell me these little details. That I expect there will be these details that will be remembered as he goes through it all. That it is very important to let me know, to talk with me about them. The same way he has asked me to talk with him about what bothers me and my triggers. That we will get through it together.
Holding back on either of our parts will only hold back the process of healing.


ME- BS 46
HIM- WS 47
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
tryin2havefaith
Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

He hasn't been sleeping well. I know but he hasn't told me...I awaken a bit when he tosses and turns, or when he gets up to make tea to calm himself.

We had the house to ourselves this morning so we cuddled and talked. He just wanted me to hold him. He asked if I still love him. I implored him to tell me what's bothering him. To lean towards me. He was hesitant. So I said 'you told me to tell you when something bothers me or I'm upset', while I drew breath to complete my thought, he went into attentive mode. He thought I was going to tell him something that bothered me. He was taken aback when I said that he must do the same. Not talking to me when he was upset or struggling or whatever the hell it was, was the first step that ultimately led to the A. I told him that not holding back is a requirement, that communication is a must if we are going to make it.
He said he was selfish, he never wants to be that man again. Never wants to take me for granted again. Can't understand how for the life of him he thought I didn't want him. How his head got THAT far up his @$$.

He then held me for so long and so tightly like he was holding on for dear life. I could hardly breathe. I'm hoping that he is coming closer to breaking through it all. His appointment with his IC is later next week.


ME- BS 46
HIM- WS 47
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
Garnet
Member
Member # 39070
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, April 27th (Saturday)

I am considering asking my husband for the same type of timeline. I feel like he answered everything I asked, but he never gave me anything else. I feel like I need it to hear it from him, in his own words, from his heart!! It would just make it a level playing field!! I think you are doing the right thing for both of you!!


Garnet☀

Posts: 82 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: MA
BrokenT
New Member
Member # 39056
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, April 27th (Saturday)

You know, it's been over two years for us. It was eating me up inside and I needed to know why, I needed details, and a closure. You would only get some peace after you've heard it all. Yes it will hurt and bring about all the awful fresh feelings again, but it's better than lies or now knowing, it's better than finding out yourself something you don't want to find.
I was told by almost everyone that posted a reply to me (I posted asking about the same thing you're asking) that it wasn't too late. And I did sit down with my husband and talked about it and got new details and answers. It hurt me all over again, but it calmed down that part of me that was always alarmed and anxious to know. And we are still working on our R.
So I must say the same to you. Go ahead and ask to get your closure, it's never too late, you'll be able to deal with your feelings better when you know the full story, and btw, he'll feel relieved in a way.

Hope all works well for you


BW 27
WH 33
Real Dday: May 22nd, 2013

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2013
tryin2havefaith
Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 13th (Monday)

It's almost 2 months later since I asked for this from him, and have yet to get it.

I know (for those who haven't read my other post) that he figured out a FOO issue he didn't even know. Or at least consciously. He's been going to IC. I can physically see what the deep digging in IC is doing to him. He is losing weight and sleeping badly. I know he is also at odds as I am not speaking to his family for a few months now. I think he may be be skirting on edge of depression, but doesn't want ADs.

I don't even really know why I am posting this . Maybe I just needed to vent and get it out of my head. We are doing so well lately, but this just has been gnawing on my brain again this weekend.


ME- BS 46
HIM- WS 47
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 30