...but I have been doing my best. There is the distinct possibility thwt my best just isn't/wasn't good enough.
I have screwed up many, many times throughout the course of our attempt at R. I acknowledge this fact readily.
I have, however, made progress. Perhaps my progress wasn't rapid enough for my BW. It is her right to decide.
I don't think that my efforts to this point should have been "enough" to make everything OK in our world. I feel like they should have indicated that there was hope for deeper, longer-lasting change, but again, it is not my right to decide.
I have never asked for "praise" for my successes. I don't want a parade, or a release of white doves because I handled a trigger well today. I really, truly, sincerely don't. I feel like the simple kindness of saying "Hello" when I walk in the door would not have been to much to ask, but once again, who am I to decide that?
I do love my BW. I never once had a moment of "Oh, no! Do I want BW or the OW??" Right from the very moment I was confronted, I knew I wanted to be here, with my wife and kids. I knew I had fucked up. It did, admittedly, take a while for me to fully come to terms with how badly I had fucked up. In my foggy mind, I held the erroneous belief that since we never did anything physically sexual that it couldn't have been that bad. I came to realize just how awful my actions were.
I have reiterated my understanding of how bad my TTing was on mamy posts. I get it. Fully. It may have been the single most damaging blow to R with my BW. In IC I have discussed the behaviors which may have played a role in my TTing.
I hate myself. I hate what I have made of my family's life. I hate what my children will have to suffer because of my actions. I hate the pain that I've inflicted upon my BW and the pain that is yet to come for our children. I never meant to hurt anyone. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I wish I was stronger. I wish I would stop rambling. I'm just feeling incredibly out of sorts right now. My BW thinks I am a monster... God, strike me down. Please don't beat me up for this post, I'm just trying let out some emotions.