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User Topic: trauma/life altering events shortly before dday?
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, March 21st (Thursday)

Was there a major trauma or life changing event that occurred shortly before A behavior began? I'm curious to see how many folks experienced such a precursor, and how many didn't?

With me, there was a culmination of trauma and flashbacks and some life altering news that shoved me down that slippery slope without ever learning to ski.

BS's feel free to chime in if you noticed the same about your WS.

Eta: whoops, I meant to say A in the title, not DDay)

[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 9:23 PM, March 21st (Thursday)]


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 513 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
Syzy
Member
Member # 15190
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, March 21st (Thursday)

My ex did. A friend of hers suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack in her late 40's. There were things leading up to that where she felt something had to give. Living in the suburbs, losing touch with parts of herself she valued. (like being a writer) She had started writing again, didn't want to live in the suburbs at all and had smoked pot again which triggered some of her addiction issues though that was alcohol and not pot. At the funeral she met someone who was a mutual friend of the deceased. And bam.

She has told me it was a combination of all it and years of resentment for being an undervalued stay at home mom during the day while working nights.

I think traumatic events, death etc can be a triggering event that makes you look at your life and thank OMG what have I done with it.


BS
Dday Aug 17, 2006
R - what's that.
Me - Moved on long ago.
It takes two to make it work, but only one to fuck it up.

Posts: 945 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: So Cal
Paladin
Member
Member # 38367
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, March 21st (Thursday)

Yup...her mom died of cancer...she turned 40..her doc tossed her on adderal for ADHD (Im sure she was not ADHD but depressed)..I was working my dick off...she looked up old boyfriend on facebook...began EA within months the PA began....

9 months later OM's ex ratted them out on my front porch...

WW was in "luuuuurve" by then...refused to go NC...tossed her out 3/12

[This message edited by Paladin at 9:44 AM, March 22nd (Friday)]


Me BH 49
Her WW 42
Together 27 Married 23
DS 22,DS 20,DD 11
D Day 11/8/11
Separated trying to R

"When you understand the nature of a thing, you know what its capable of"...musashi...the book of five rings


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Paladin
disillusioned12
Member
Member # 37542
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, March 22nd (Friday)

Where to begin...a timeline is the simplest way to list the life altering events leading up to my STBXWH's EA/PA?

Married 4/2011
Moved across country 5/2011
Bought a house 7/2011
Got pregnant 8/2011
STBXWH deployed 9/2011
Miscarriage 10/2011
STBXWH returned 11/2011
STBXWH deployed 1/2012
STBXWH returned 2/2012
Got pregnant 2/2012
STBXWH deployed 5/2012
EA/PA? with MOW
STBXWH returned 10/2012
EA/PA? with same MOW
Had baby 11/2012 (a week after DDay)
STBXWH left for training 1/2013 - 4/2013
False R 2/2013
STBXWH still with MOW

I'm filing for D and hoping to serve him before he returns next month.


BS (Me)
WS (STBXH)
Married 2 yrs; Together 6 yrs

D-Day 11/14/12
EA(PA?)
Limbo 1 month
False R 2 months.
Status: Divorce on hold


Posts: 228 | Registered: Nov 2012
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, March 22nd (Friday)

Life, especially adult life, is full of life altering events.

Babies, job changes, money changes, death of loved ones. It happens to all of us, all the time. So most people will be able to point to something and say "there it is...there is my excuse for cheating".


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Paladin
Member
Member # 38367
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, March 22nd (Friday)

there is a huge difference between a reason...and an excuse...

The dog ate my homework=excuse

I didnt do my homework cuz I was lazy=reason...

Yes..my WW went through some definate trauma....but she cheated due to poor boundries...poor coping tools...and really really bad choices...


Me BH 49
Her WW 42
Together 27 Married 23
DS 22,DS 20,DD 11
D Day 11/8/11
Separated trying to R

"When you understand the nature of a thing, you know what its capable of"...musashi...the book of five rings


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Paladin
disillusioned12
Member
Member # 37542
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, March 22nd (Friday)

I agree Paladin. My STBXH made a conscious decision to have an A. He made a conscious decision to lie. He made a conscious decision to continue his A after D-Day and attempt to eat cake until I caught him again. He's still wrapped up in his fantasy and will probably never choose to live in reality.

I was naive to think we could get through anything, that our relationship was strong enough. It clearly wasn't. Frankly, the weaknesses were there irregardless of the life events. I'm convinced he would have cheated no matter what because of his insecurities, sense of entitlement, selfishness, and poor boundaries.


BS (Me)
WS (STBXH)
Married 2 yrs; Together 6 yrs

D-Day 11/14/12
EA(PA?)
Limbo 1 month
False R 2 months.
Status: Divorce on hold


Posts: 228 | Registered: Nov 2012
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, March 22nd (Friday)

...I don't like to tie the two together too much, not sure, maybe because I don't want to blameshift... It's more a testament to how very messed up I was during both times (in first relationship and in this one)...

Both times were within a month after going to the hospital for suicidal ideation/self-harm. Also both times were around pseudo "breakup" periods - in both cases after the hospital stays but before or during the infidelities. I let my morals and my boundaries slide (or maybe I stomped on them would be the more accurate term). So stupid.

The recency of the hospital stays are really upsetting and shake me up to think of it that way. I either tried or thought seriously about harming myself, went to the mental ward, other things happened once I got out, and ...I coped like that?!?!!!!! I chose to do that?!! Really?!?! WTF?! I want to smack myself when I think about that. What the actual fuck was I thinking?!

Anyway... I've been trying to focus on the choices I made, rather than the suicidal part, because it seems like it's wrong somehow to think about my choices surrounding suicide... I think I know why. For some reason I am deeply ashamed of, my family and H seemed to suffer so much more from my struggles with the suicidal thoughts/self-harm tendencies than with my infidelity. I'm deeply ashamed of being so selfish that they would worry about either one, and that the one that caused me harm would take precedence in their minds over the ones that hurt them more.

Wow, gotta go sit with this for a while... Thank you for the good topic.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, March 22nd (Friday)

Yes indeed, friend and co worker died 6 months before A started. Unexpectedly and just a few years older than WH. At a similar age, his father had been diagnosed and struggling with the disease that eventually took his life.

And one year before the A, we moved overseas and left all friends and family behind. That was a big challenge to me, along with the challenges of living in a country where i do not speak the language. And then A recovery, next steps, and healing have been complicated hugely by this.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, March 22nd (Friday)

I didn't mean as an excuse for an A in anyway, I just wonder if some major trauma impacted the change in thought process that led to the A. I know PTSD can rewire the brain and change your entire outlook on life. Just curious what others thought.


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 513 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 8:41 AM, March 22nd (Friday)

PM for you Paladin


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37406 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, March 22nd (Friday)

I know PTSD can rewire the brain and change your entire outlook on life. Just curious what others thought.

This is very true. I''ve known a few people who have PTSD and understanding it is difficult for their loved ones. Most people see the effects but cannot know what occurs underneath all of that. There are always physical manifestations of PTSD, it is just the severity and types of that vary from one person to the next.

Coping mechanisms with traumatic events are critical. If someone hasn''t dug deep into themselves addressed their own issues then they may fall back on those old poor coping mechanisms (drinking, drug use, having an A) or shift to another self-destructive way a dealing with that trauma.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, March 22nd (Friday)

I think that trauma is going to be completely relative to the person experiencing it. I can say that I experienced trauma, but to someone else, it would have been no big deal at all.

Also, I think we all deal with trauma/life changing events almost everyday in some form or other. Again, it is relative to the person experiencing it, and it is also a matter of how that person deals with it. I dealt with things for 38-years before it dawned on me that my coping mechanisms would not work anymore. At that moment, the minor trauma became major. I lost it, went down another path, had an A, and then learned that what I thought I knew for those 38 years wasn't what I thought I knew.

Admitting that, accepting it, and working to change it was the process that I wished would have happened much earlier in my life.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
HurtButHoping12
Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

Something big happened shortly before every single affair my WH had... I got pregnant with our first unexpectedly, he started talking and exchanging pics with a woman online. He was having a hard time with his job and we were struggling financially... he started texting with a co-worker. I was still reeling from finding out about the first two EA's... he starts chatting up a friend, another co worker AND our friend's wife. Finally, I become pregnant unexpectedly with our third and have a hard pregnancy and birth... he meets a girl through his cousin, and is completely in love and ready to leave me 4 days later.

It seems to have always gone in this cycle with him. He's having a hard time with his job again, and to say I'm nervous is a serious understatement...


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
Nothingspecial
Member
Member # 38387
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

We had emigrated the year before the ONS, we both had a really tough time settling in, WH went through 5 jobs in 6 months,
The financial pressure started to build slowly, then the emotional abandonment, I didn't recognize it, thought he was just stressed, which was true but I trusted him so completely I had no idea it would lead to ow


Me BS 35
WH 33
Married 10 years
3 amazing kids
OW, ONS
We were soul mates
Trying to Reconcile, it's not for pussy's.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: UK , living in Canada
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

Absolutely! I am so glad you asked this question. In fact, one of our exercises was to do up a chart of Critical Life Events that took place before the A. Our chart was one bloody thing after another in a two year time-span. We moved to a new province, were getting bombarded by alcohol/drug problems from his family (who live here too), we were away from my family and our best friends which let's face it, provide a major outlet and relief during stressful times. We had a second child and he was sick and then in 2008 the market fell to pieces. Next to our child, this was "the big one" for him. I believe men identify so much of their success with their work and he was completely shallacked by this.

The affair began I believe as an escape - a release. And the Ow (a colleague) was there to compliment, soothe, encourage and do a whole lot more! Funny how the escape turned into a real life nightmare isn't it?

While I DO NOT think people can use these events as an excuse, I do believe that they shake us and we either rise up during tough times or we do not. My H did not and for many reasons (conflict avoidance, internal anger mainly). But that has changed.

We are now learning - 15 years of marriage in - how to deal with these critical times ie: how about an affair! in an open honest way.

If not now, when?

[This message edited by LA44 at 1:48 PM, March 22nd (Friday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

Cinnamongurl,

Did my WH have traumas shortly before the A? Yes.

But they were all self-created.

He started losing work contracts due to his belligerent personality, causing him to spiral downward and bankrupt his business. He started the affair 2 mos before the business was forced in to closure due to lack of money.

At earlier times in our M there were traumas and life altering events: deaths, near deaths, disease, etc. None of these ever affected him. He eventually told me he never thought of those things because at the time, they just didn't matter as they did not happen to HIM.

So I do not believe his traumas illustrate a cause and effect relationship with the A.

I think his traumas and the A are all symptoms of the same basic emotional problems he is now learning to overcome.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2012
1sorryGDF
New Member
Member # 38788
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

Shortly might not be the right word to describe it, but my affair started in December of 2010, in January of 2010 I learned that my parents were divorcing. They'd been married for 30 years, my dad claimed to be unhappy for years and was leaving...not specifically 'for' another woman, but started a relationship with her almost immediately. Devastated my mother and my sister, they all live on the other side of the country and all I could do was communicate by phone. Everyone was blindsided. At the time my wife was pregnant with our first child, who was born in April of that year. I think the end of my parents marriage and the transition of my marriage from a couple to parenthood was something that affected me more than I was willing to admit. I withdrew from my wife (who was admittedly very wrapped up in being a mother) and made a very poor decision when I felt a level of dissatisfaction growing.

None of this is an excuse, or even an explanation of my incredibly poor choices and awful behavior, but has at least for me shed a bit of light on what I was feeling at the time. I discovered a journal entry I'd written five days before the affair started where I discussed the loss of a sense of home when my parents split, and concluded by saying I didn't know who I was anymore.


Me - 34 - Wayward
Her - 37 - Betrayed (smittennomore)
Two kids
D-Day: 12.19.12

2 Year Physical & Emotional Affair (Co-Worker)


Posts: 14 | Registered: Mar 2013
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

It seems like the As may have been a form of self medicating for some waywards (myself included). instead of/in addition to substance abuse, the A's seem to be an unhealthy coping mechanism used to deal with, or rather escape from, something too overwhelming to face.

The unfortunate thing, for me at least, was that it took the A's to hit the rock bottom, and finally seek out help.


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 513 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

LA44, I like the idea of a creating critical life events chart. I think it would be extremely helpful in identifying what was going on at that point and to try and pinpoint how I was feeling and why I chose to stuff it instead of face it.


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 513 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
pmal64
Member
Member # 13551
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

BS here.
yes. both times there was an event with my xwh.
1st- and awful accident that claimed 2 people's lives (the fault of the drunk driver that turned left in front of him and he had trouble dealing with it. 2nd, he had just retired from his first job and I reckon he thought he was free as a bird, who knows?

we will see what happens at the next life altering event.


.:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:.
BS-me-50
fWH -54

Posts: 576 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: down south
Issaquah
Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

BW here. Extra stress is a trigger for him to revert into wayward thinking/behavior:
PA after he proposed marriage.
PA/EA when I was in grad school and working full time.
Almost PA when I was pregnant.
Porn and cruising bars when his father was dying of lung cancer.
Posting on dating sites and meeting people when he lost his job and was forced to move to an undesirable location.
Multiple PA's when we were having finacial issues and our asperger's son was having serious behavioral problems.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 779 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

BS here.

Yes the initial trigger was a serious health (life threatening) issue with me and long term serious health complications after.

He had zero coping skills. He self soothed/medicated with affairs and porn. Poor choices. Built up walls to protect himself. Shut me out completely.

He's now digging deep in therapy as to why he chose that route.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
pizzalover
Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

My BH thinks that subconsciously since we were getting engaged shortly after the affair started, that maybe I didn't want to be married to him or be with him but didn't know how to end it. I don't want admit that this could be a possibility. Maybe there is some truth to it.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 488 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

CinnGirl, we got that from the book, After the Affair which is recommended in the Healing Library. When I read the real life example in the book, I could relate. Check it out!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
sosorry5454rl
Member
Member # 37637
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

oh so many things come to mind with this for me. Work stress was out of control, stress with kids, stress with home and then of course all of the physical pain.I have had consistent and ongoing acute back pain and issues. I had had a spinal discectomy, numerous injections spinal fusion and finally in the end rhizatomy to burn the nerve endings in my lower back.I just remember escape I just wanted to escape.so yes it seems there was a lot of trauma or life events that were occurring surrounding the time of the affair.I was also on anti depressants at the time, dealing with anger ect..... think had recently quit seroquel as well. so much going on at the same time and hsd dealt with so much for so long that I think I felt like i fell off a cliff and had finally had my limit. Absolutely not making excuses, this is all 110 percent on me and only me and the choices I made.. no-one else I own that and i need to fix it. poor coping skills, poor boundaries and really poor choices. .I own that


WW(me) 41
BH 50 (5454real)
Married 10 years
Currently in R and plan to stay there and succeed
DD 21, DS 19, SS 22, DS 8, DGS 2

Posts: 61 | Registered: Nov 2012
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

LA44 I actually just bought and started reading it!! Im only @p63, but I just leafed ahead and found it! Sounds like a helpful tool!


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 513 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
pizzalover
Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

I'm also reading After the Affair with my BH. Very helpful book.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 488 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

Sosorry, I definitely agree with the meds being another contributing stressor. I was being treated for BP2 with antidepressants that were triggering hypomania and traumatic flashbacks. I was nearly out of my mind. Your story is full of parallels with my own. Sorry you had to go through all of that pain!


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 513 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

CinnGurl and PizzaLover, it's an excellent book! My H bought it and read it and then I took it from there. We still grab it when we need extra help. I have lots of pages marked. The exercise on page 130 is not something you can rush through. I found it really made ME do my own part re: introspection.

I actually wrote the author a note to let her know we got a lot from it and she wrote back! She will do phone consults but they are way too $$$ for us.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

Thanks LA44, no worries on rushing through it. I've learned through my IC to take each event and feeling individually to figure out my reasoning behind stuffing it away for so long. Its been such a cathartic experience to finally own those events. They became a cancer eating away most of my sense of self worth. Its a tough journey, but in a weird way, its been comforting and therapeutic. Its taught me how to feel again and that's just such a messy, painful, wonderful thing!


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 513 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

I was just thinking about how a lot of what I read has whole sections on withdrawing from the AP's and feeling romantic love for them, but it wasn't like that for me. When it was over, and I went NC, I had never felt any love or attachment to AP, but I never felt any hate or contempt either. As BSO always says, the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference. I realized that AP may have poor boundaries and may even be evil and manipulative, but honestly, I could care less. He didn't force me to make terrible choices, I did that all on my own.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think he's a good person and I never want anything to do with him ever again. But I don't want to waste any valuable head space on him.

It wasn't him I was attracted to, I was just desperate to escape the hurricane that was my mind and life. I longed for safety and a place I could hide from my life and from myself. A place where my real life ceased to exist. It seems pretty pathetic to me now, how I could think it was OK to try and fool myself and my BSO that all was good and there was nothing bad going on. But I guess hindsight is always 20/20 and I can't change the past, just the path leading me towards the future.


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 513 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, March 22nd (Friday)

Interesting topic CG.

I experienced life trauma (drama) both prior to and during the A as well as earlier in life. I believe my "trauma" pre/during A would not have been so traumatic if I had healthy coping mechanisms. And having the A, going against my morals and belief system was pretty dang traumatic iykwim.

Lately I've been working through childhood trauma that was rug-swept. As long as I have been on SI and in IC I have always been skeptical about the significance of childhood trauma in my decision to have an A. Just recently I'm starting to buy in that there might be something there after being told months ago by some VERY wise SIers, IC/MC, and my BH. Sometimes I can be a bit dense....or as BH says, hardheaded.

I don't think trauma is a reason or an excuse. I think it can tip the scale for a person with poor boundaries, low respect for self/others, poor coping mechanisms, emotional immaturity...insert issues here...


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, March 23rd (Saturday)

Knights, i Agree whole heartedly that its not the reason, but as you mentioned it is definitely just one more factor in the s***storm of how the A became "justified" in our minds. Its part of a perfect storm of events and issues that led to establishing poor boundaries and unhealthy coping mechanisms.


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 513 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
sosorry5454rl
Member
Member # 37637
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, March 23rd (Saturday)

Boy CG, a lot of your story resonates with me also. There was absolutely no feelings whatsoever for the AP. Once I left there was nothing no feelings no desire to contact no desire to ever see you again nothing. and what's most frustrating as knights said, is that I went against absolutely everything I believed in, morals, ethics, integrity, etc..... and what's interesting as my BH would say is that I risked the very things I love the most for what....... nothing. he says it might be easier to understand if it least there was something there that I was risking everything for and it's kind of disheartening to say the opposite. Absolutely agree with CG in that it was truly an escape from real life and all the drama/trauma in my life. I have yet to really figure out the childhood issues in which the AP was a part of in that there was physical relations with him at a very young age for me and I can't really remember when that began or how old I was. BH is concerned with childhood sexual abuse based on our interpretation as best I can remember of how old I was and how old he was at that time.just wish I could remember.


WW(me) 41
BH 50 (5454real)
Married 10 years
Currently in R and plan to stay there and succeed
DD 21, DS 19, SS 22, DS 8, DGS 2

Posts: 61 | Registered: Nov 2012
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, March 23rd (Saturday)

Don't rush it Sorry, continue to do the work and it may come up through alternate channels. I've had things from my past that I didn't even realize I had burried, until I was addressing feelings from another time period and out of the blue, these relevant, important memories came to light. This happens a lot to me, I've repressed so much, it became second nature to file all things painful in the same closets in the back of my mind. I'm pretty sure its going to take a long time to sort them all out. Don't worry Sorry, you'll get there when you're ready!


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 513 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
sosorry5454rl
Member
Member # 37637
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, March 23rd (Saturday)

thanks CG that's helpful and reassuring


WW(me) 41
BH 50 (5454real)
Married 10 years
Currently in R and plan to stay there and succeed
DD 21, DS 19, SS 22, DS 8, DGS 2

Posts: 61 | Registered: Nov 2012
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

CinnGurl, I just sent you a private message. :)LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

BS here

My MIL died in April of that year, the A started in October, 6 months later.

While WS and his mother were not close, OW was to a certain extent. OW would visit MIL when she returned to their hometown. MIL wanted WS to marry OW years ago.

While I feel her death was a possible trigger for the A, WS did have a better way to deal with his grief, he just didn't know it at the time.

I'm pretty sure After the Affair was the book I bought for us on DDay, I bought a copy for me and a copy for him. We used it as a workbook of sorts, I highly recommend it too.


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5447 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Syzy
Member
Member # 15190
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

I don't think of trauma as an excuse so much as just observing people do crazy things when in pain.

It makes sense to me that when our lives are functioning well, when we feel good about ourselves, when our marriages are in a happier place we aren't as predisposed to the underbelly of our fears and poor coping skills.

I mean there are many different types of infidelity. Its a little like understanding why someone who is a drug addict or poor steals vs someone like winona ryder shop lifting. We find the theft in any circumstance unacceptable and against the law but in the latter scenario it is more appalling.

I think it pays to understand how life events can cause fractures in a person's make up to be revealed or become more pronounced. I know the damage ends up being the same to the parties involved but it makes sense that some people find themselves in an unhealthy place making bad decisions.

One of the things that I have gotten most from the waywards here and in my life is the sense that we all of us can underestimate our abilities in some ways and overestimate our abilities in others. That when faced with a crisis of whatever sort that it was shocking how quickly they found themselves disabled. Its kind of like thinking you might be able to go two rounds but find yourself on your back in under 30 seconds.

So aside from the ensuing damage caused to loved ones and to the self is the sense that "I never thought it could happen to me, that I could find myself being unfaithful and omg I was so wrong and I find that frightening."

It is very much a cautionary tale I have taken to heart. Because I know after being on the receiving end of it, it is really easy to think.. oh I could never do this myself. And the waywards chime in.. "you really don't know until you are there, I thought the same way at one time." Not as a way to alleviate any guilt but as a way to say be careful and take care.

I know if I'm ever hit with some very serious life altering stuff and I'm in a committed relationship I am going to be more cautious with my boundaries at that time. I am so grateful for this space and for the waywards here. I've learned a tremendous amount.

[This message edited by Syzy at 9:15 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)]


BS
Dday Aug 17, 2006
R - what's that.
Me - Moved on long ago.
It takes two to make it work, but only one to fuck it up.

Posts: 945 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: So Cal
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

Thank you syzy. I feel the same way about the BS's here. They have given me so much insight into how my own BSO is thinking and feeling and how deeply he is hurting. Its made me look at myself a little more objectively and for once see where I need to change, and how to come about that change, and most importantly, who I change for. Its got to be me. Before reading here, I was under the impression that I needed to become who BSO wanted because that was the only way to heal... boy was I off with that one! I needed to want to change for me, not just to get him to stay or buy sometime, but because I truly understand now, that I have to want to change before I can actually change.


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 513 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

^^^ sorry if this is worded awkwardly, its past my bedtime and I should br sleeping.


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 513 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
Topic Posts: 42