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Just Found Out
User Topic: Should I meet the OW ?
Lossoffaith
New Member
Member # 38419
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

Although my WH has tried to keep her identity a secret...even literally cutting out her phone number from his phone bills and giving her a fake name, job etc. I've managed to track her down. He seems to be finally coming out of his fog and R may be able to start properly, he's said in the past he would, but he was still secretly seeing her. However he now says there has been NC since one mth after d day. Phone bills seem to back this up, plus he no longer goes for "drinks" after work or goes anywhere. Although he is away at the moment on a sports trip and I'm a little suspicious.

My question is should I engineer a meeting with OW to find out if it really is over. I don't have any intention of revealing who I am, but under the pretence of potentially hiring her in the line of her freelance work and just seeing if I can steer the conversation round to finding out more ?

Has anyone done this ? Is it worth the risk ?


Me - BS 42
Him - WH 41
D day 8th Feb 2013
D day 2 24th Feb 2013

Together 15 years, married 7
2 children 3.5 years and 6 mths old


Posts: 16 | Registered: Feb 2013
numb13
New Member
Member # 38775
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

Personally I wouldn't, for all you know, she knows who you are and could give her an excuse to contact your husband to "discuss" this new development. I'm currently wrestling with whether to tell the other BS.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2013
Lossoffaith
New Member
Member # 38419
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

I'm pretty certain she doesn't know anything about me. WH didn't even tell her he was married for a long time


Me - BS 42
Him - WH 41
D day 8th Feb 2013
D day 2 24th Feb 2013

Together 15 years, married 7
2 children 3.5 years and 6 mths old


Posts: 16 | Registered: Feb 2013
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

I would not. For me, I would not be able to be in the same room without giving myself away. I have spoken to two of the OW - one was a 'friend' pre-A and one contacted me to out the A. Though I was able to say what I wanted in clear and articulate language, neither of these women heard what I was saying and both instances left me feeling worse.

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Jan 2013
standingonmarble
Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

There is nothing more fog breaking than reality. She might not know about you, waywards are liars. I wouldn't trick her, but I might do a little more research and think about outing the A to any SO she might have. IMO your best bet is to get everything out in the open, so there is no chance for getting your heart broke again. Don't not for one minute trust him right now. He hasn't earned that privilege yet. It wouldn't surprise me that he would try to be a cake eater.

If nothing else do you know what she looks like now?? It seems to help if you have that piece of the puzzle. Especially if she looks like Shrek with lipstick.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
Lossoffaith
New Member
Member # 38419
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

She has no SO, she's divorced. Apparently she was dumped by her husband. My WH told her he was married thinking it would end, after initially pretending to be single but she wanted to carry on seeing him, he then later told her i was also pregnant, it still carried on.

I don't know what she looks like, part of this, is my curiosity to find out


Me - BS 42
Him - WH 41
D day 8th Feb 2013
D day 2 24th Feb 2013

Together 15 years, married 7
2 children 3.5 years and 6 mths old


Posts: 16 | Registered: Feb 2013
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

I knew OW2, and I confronted her after DDay. Don't recommend it.

Your WH needs to come completely clean about OW for you to have any real chance at R


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4506 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
MonsterBride
Member
Member # 37899
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

I might straight up ask her. But I don't know if I'd believe her.


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 39, serial disappointment
Crimes: secret girlfriends, strippers
Status: preparing for divorce

Posts: 86 | Registered: Dec 2012
stillcrying4ever
Member
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

You could try looking her up on Facebook. Even tho I already had pictures I found more info when I looked her up on there. All I had was her first name and cell no and was able to find her through my phone on Facebook. There was a pic there of my wh with her taken after I was told they no longer saw each other and her status said she was in a complicated relationship.

[This message edited by stillcrying4ever at 5:06 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)]


D Day May 27, 2012



Posts: 186 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

Lossoffaith,

You can do whatever you choose to do....
BUT - I'd strongly suggest that you be UPFRONT HONEST with any dealing you have with this OW....
Trying to contact the OW using any type of "pretence" is dangerous for your well-being...for gathering any REAL TRUTHS...and is pointless in my opinion.

You're already dealing with a cheating, untruthful, lying husband...
WHY in the world would you want to be anything like him?

If you want to contact this OW and seek any information from her: Be honest with this OW and yourself.

BUT, please don't expect any type of honesty from a woman who sleeps around with a married man, OK?


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6126 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
bridar
Member
Member # 34512
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

If I was in your shoes, I would probably want to meet with her as well. But as others have already stated, be honest. Don`t stoop to their level. And again, she will not be 100% honest with you either. I haven`t physically met my WH, 2nd OW yet, but by the sound of things, I will be meeting her this coming weekend. Unbeknownst, to my WH and her.
But also, please be prepared that when you meet her, you will be totally knocked on your ass. Not in the physical sense, figuratively speaking though. It will hurt. It will hurt alot. If you have that in mind before hand, that may lessen it a little. For your sake, I hope it does.

But good luck to you in whichever way you decide.


Me:41
WS:43
Married 19 yrs, together 22
2 kids 21/19
Feels like I am in Hell

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Canada
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, March 25th (Monday)


My question is should I engineer a meeting with OW to find out if it really is over. I don't have any intention of revealing who I am, but under the pretence of potentially hiring her in the line of her freelance work and just seeing if I can steer the conversation round to finding out more ?

Has anyone done this ? Is it worth the risk ?

It is risky and OW might smell foul if things don't go as smooth as planned.
Many times these parasites have seen a picture of whom they are scoring against.
If OW recognises you, she'll either play along making you look pitiful or like someone said, break NC and have a field day talking to WH or her friends.
This way you don't get any info you need, only hurt.
If she is a looker then well, you got yourself another worry about NC.

On the other hand if you show you don't give horse crap about OW, and you shouldn't, that will make OW feel worthless.

About practice what you preach, I too wanted to meet OM for having a gentlemanly conversation about how he was destroying a family.
Later I found out he wouldn't have cared anyway and given me lies about being in contact for project work on job and nothing else to be insecure about.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Sue1964
Member
Member # 37057
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, March 25th (Monday)

I did even though already a friend I asked to meet up with her waste of time just a liar tells you what you want to hear.

Posts: 287 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Uk
noprincess
Member
Member # 38660
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, March 25th (Monday)

Hi Lossoffait,

So sorry you are here. I'm fairly new here too but what jumped out at me from what you wrote is that your H is not coming forward with any details. That should be a big red flag. The whole, ugly truth needs to come from him - otherwise what is the point? He's still protecting her.

After my first D-Day my husband was very sketchy on the details - I did all the digging myself and he only confirmed what I knew and lied about other details anyway. After a brief NC period, the affair resumed. I tell you this because I see a parallel here. If your H isn't willing to offer up everything it's because he's either keeping it going or hopes to again soon. In the end, he's putting himself and the OW before you.

I personally wouldn't contact her, you've already been brutalized enough. But the choice is yours. In any event, keep digging to get as much info as you can to confront your H with. Exposing the A totally can help drag him out of the fog but for real R to happen - he must begin full disclosure with you.

(((Lossoffaith)))


"Never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill

Posts: 138 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Lossoffaith
New Member
Member # 38419
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, March 25th (Monday)

Thanks for all your advice, I think the general concensus is not to meet her

Noprincess, when you say the whole ugly truth what do you mean ? I did get really angry when he showed me his bills with her number cut out, but he said what was the point of me knowing, I did think he was still protecting her at the time, I also get the feeling that its her who called an end to it, because there was no point I.e she probably at the end of the day didnt want a long term relationship with a man with 2 young children. He says it was mutually agreed to end it.

At one point he thought I had rang her and he stormed out of the house. I think perhaps she might not know the whole truth about him, although apparently she knew I was pregnant and he already had a preschooler too.


Me - BS 42
Him - WH 41
D day 8th Feb 2013
D day 2 24th Feb 2013

Together 15 years, married 7
2 children 3.5 years and 6 mths old


Posts: 16 | Registered: Feb 2013
demos
Member
Member # 35660
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, March 25th (Monday)

As stated above, your issue is not meeting the OW. Your issue is your WH that has not come clean with you. Your WH is protecting this woman. That means he is still in contact with this woman.

{{{Lossoffaith}}}

If you can not definitely say that he is not with her now on his sports trip then my money says he is definitely with her.

The only reason I see to contact her is to find out if she's on a sports trip. Does she have a resume out there on the web? I would have somebody else call to see if she is available for an interview. See if she says that she is out of town for a couple days.


Posts: 171 | Registered: May 2012
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, March 25th (Monday)

Gee, it sounds as though you're in this reconciliation all by yourself.

He's not remorseful at all, Lost. All he's doing is telling you what you want to hear.

It's a shame you feel you have to go to the OW to try to get the real story because your husband is too busy lying about everything in order to cover his ass.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1765 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, March 25th (Monday)

Wow Demos...

If you can not definitely say that he is not with her now on his sports trip then my money says he is definitely with her.

The only reason I see to contact her is to find out if she's on a sports trip.

That is heavy.

In that case, I would definitely try to contact her. If only to see if she is out of town. Do it soon!

(((((Lossoffaith)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Lossoffaith
New Member
Member # 38419
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, April 26th (Friday)

Demos,

You were right, he was with her, I contacted her and found out the truth. She now knows the truth about him too. We both don't want him anymore !


Me - BS 42
Him - WH 41
D day 8th Feb 2013
D day 2 24th Feb 2013

Together 15 years, married 7
2 children 3.5 years and 6 mths old


Posts: 16 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 19