SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: My Wife Destroyed my life
destroyedman
New Member
Member # 38780
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

So I read quite a few posts, and this is the my first post. I will try to make it easy and interesting to read.

My wife works at DirectTV, and I found that she had both an EA and a PA with a coworker( a chinese dude) there, on 3/8/13 10 days ago. we have a beautiful 3 year old daughter.

How I found out: I was in the kitchen, and he texted her on phone FaceBook, "is it safe to talk", so i picked it up and had a conversation with him, under her account. I knew she was out of the office the day before, and I was feeling something was going on for about a month. He proceeded to talk to me about "her saying she was only 60% satisfied", and how it was because he had a hangover, and he stated he was nervous that "it was in LA, and now NY too". So I approached her, and she tried to deny it, but soon as i stated that I knew about him, she said "it was only oral sex". She had shaved her p*ssy the night before, which was something new, and I asked him if he liked it, and he said "ha", and "he had no opinion on it".

At that point, i was out of my mind, throwing chairs, screaming, crying. My whole world came to an end. my W was trying to calm me down, and threatened suicide again, but this time I called the cops, and they dragged her to the psyche ward.

I immediately found the OM spouse and emailed her told her what happened, he was engaged to this woman, his world is now in a spin, and he is leaving DirectTV also.

The crush to my ego, self-esteem, feelings of self worth, images of them together has been substantial. I am also completely impotent since that day, and eat like crap since the event, mostly nothing at all.


At the time, I also took her panties, that were on the floor, from her recent trip to LA, and sent them in for DNA analysis at SheCheated dot com. They ultimately came back positive with sperm from another man's DNA.


Before I got the results, her story was "nothing happened", she said the 60% was only related to how much he opened up emotionally. She also denied feverishly that no sex happened.

when i approached her with the dna evidence, she was shocked, and had no choice to admit that something happened, but her story was weak, "we were only drunk, and i didn't feel anything, and the fluid must be from something else". She still tries to convince me that nothing happened in NY. (the friday night before I found out, she came home and had mad passionate sex with me). and she says that his lack of performance is why she wanted to have sex with me so badly.

background on our marriage: It was definitely not a perfect marriage, a lot of fights, and in the last year, I have been unemployed and working on a financial trading application, which had about 4 more months to go before I can turn it on. She never believed in it, or me, and constantly called me a loser, told me I wasn't a real man for not supporting my family. She was telling me I use to be so much more in control, and I use to took care of myself better. I was trying to get us to counseling, as it happened, and ironically, the same day i found out was the day I went to marriage counseling, although now because I was such a mess, it was just me going. I believe my wife has BPD (borderline personality disorder), basically because mood swings, intense anger, controlling, manipulating, and even multiple suicide "threats". having said that I did feel that I loved her, primarily because of the good I saw in her.

additional marriage BG info: my W is a bisexual, we had a 3 way before we were married, and expresses interest in women a lot. which i told her is ok, as long as i knew and can say no if i want.

Also, I just recently called the OM, and talked to him, I wanted to know his version of the story. I told him that during counseling there will be a "full disclosure" and the therapist will use that to judge if therapy is working or not. he did not agree to tell me, because he didnt trust me. so he finally agreed to give me the info at some point later, in a non traceable way, and in return asked me not to contact him, his fiance, or any thing related to him again. I also asked what my W said about me, and he said she definitely loves me, and some BS about how i lost confidence in myself. (of course i thought, yeah she loves me so much that she was Fing you.)

So I really have no idea what to do, at this point with anything in my life. I don't know if D is a good option, or if i should try MC. I always wanted to be married for life, with one person, and have a good happy family. right now, i am dependent on her income, and I am trying to get a J.O.B., i put my financial trading application on hold for now. I have seen a IC, but not sure if that is really going to help me much. I really dont know if my life would be better with a D. I dont know what I really feel. I do know I cant look at her, don't want to have sex with her, I feel like it is "contaminated" territory. I feel like it is used, not mine, not precious anymore. I constantly have movie mind images, and they make me feel wortless and nautious. I dont know much of anything right now, it has been 10 days, and I am still completely lost.

ok, i will go cry like a loser some more now.

[This message edited by destroyedman at 5:09 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)]


Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: stamford,ct
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

Hey destroyedman, welcome. I'm sure the guys will be along shortly (weekends can be slow) but I just wanted to lay out the welcome mat.

Listen you do not have to know what to do right now. Take that pressure off. You do have to eat something -- and be sure you are getting fluids!!! The infidelity diet is horrific! I lost 30 in 6 weeks and I was already underweight. Others have developed kidney stones due to dehydration. The stress is going to lower your immune system too... so vitamins, milk shakes, smoothies, whatever you can get down okay?

Meanwhile, I'm going to repeat myself, you don't have to decide anything right now. Focus on taking care of yourself physically. Mentally and emotionally...(?) hell, this is a roller coaster, hang on. And know you aren't alone! We get it. And believe it or not... it won't always feel this bad. One step at a time.

((destroyedman))

[This message edited by Take2 at 5:31 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4133 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
down_not_out5
New Member
Member # 33361
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

destroyedman))) (male side hugs)

Others with more experience will be along to help you. Just want you to know you are not alone. This sh*t sucks.

Read the Healing Library (yellow box on the left) there is a lot there to help you with this.

Your WW (wayward wife) will lie and tell you what ever she thinks will make her look good and you look like a loser, don't believe any of it. In fact, don't believe anything she says right now. Your WW is not interested in your M right now, she is only interested in protecting herself.
I really wish you were not here, welcome to the club that no one want's to join.
Take care of yourself, for you and your beautiful DD (darling daughter). Eat, even if you can't, drink plenty of water, not booze, work out. Take care of you for a change.


BH(me)-49, WW-45
Married 7 yrs, together 10
DD-7, DS-4
D-day 5/28/2011
in Limbo trying to detach, in house is it's own special hell

Posts: 44 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Europe
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

(((Destroyedman)))

First - welcome - sorry you need to be here. But it really is the best place to find support, strategies and thoughtful advice.

Second - you are not crying like a loser - you are crying like a destroyed human - infidelity (as everyone here knows) is a complete assault on our physical and mental health, our reality, our inner compass and on our view of life and the world. There would be cause for concern if this pain and horror didn't make you cry. So cry away...

Thirdly, you don't need to decide any time soon whether you'll save the marriage or cut her loose. It's too soon. Give yourself time to process - to find a way of coping with your WW's betrayal. It's recommended that you make no major decisions for the first year (that time frame changes depending on who you talk to) but you'll know when you are ready to decide. For now take it one day, one hour or one minute at a time. Whatever you need.

Read the healing library as well as the links at the top of the JFO forum - the ones with the bullseye icon. I wish I had a tenth of that info on my Dday - but I didn't find SI until 4 months in.

Finally I'll share what a much wiser SI-er said to me on my first thread. I'll have to paraphrase here but...

"I can't promise your marriage will survive - but I promise...YOU will..."

It was a ray of hope in a very dark time. Keep reading and post whenever you feel the need. Again, welcome...(((Destroyedman)))


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
TXwifemom
Member
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

So sorry. For now, don't believe anything she tells you. Get std testing, use condoms.

I'm right there with you. We are all.

No side hug here. Full hug. So sorry.


Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

Welcome to the board, I'm sorry you're here, but glad you found us. There is a lot wise and caring people here.

You're not crying like loser, you're not a loser, you're someone that just had his world crumble around his ears.

I can relate to a portion of your story. What she's doing is what we call gaslighting and blameshifting. She will do and say anything to make herself out to be justified in her actions and to also be the victim. Don't let this happen. A couple is 50%/50% to blame on issues in a marriage, your WW is 100% to blame for her affair. Don't, for one second, let be turned on you. She made the decision to cheat, not you, you didn't push her towards him. She could have just as easily gone to you and said "honey, we have issues to talk about." instead she chose another man. I'm sorry.

I can relate that my husband has tried to blame me, make himself the victim, come out with little pearls of wisdom such as "I already thought you were cheating." etc... I know how being unemployed sucks, I am too, for 7 yrs. I'm solely dependent on him and having a hard time finding work (we're not too from from each other - Western MA). I can't leave until I'm back on my feet. The thing is you are working towards something great. Why put that on hold? Continue working on it. It just may be the productive outlet you need right now. If you're working towards your dream, then go for it. Don't stop. I have faith that you can do it.

This rollercoster she put you on is a long ride. You'll have good days and you'll have bad days, trust me on this. But with time, it will get better. Not right away, but one day.

(((HUGS)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
destroyedman
New Member
Member # 38780
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

all, thank you so much for replying


" Why put that on hold? Continue working on it. It just may be the productive outlet you need right now. If you're working towards your dream, then go for it. Don't stop. I have faith that you can do it. "

simplydevastated:
thank you so much, i haven't heard those kind of words in so long, it really does mean a lot.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: stamford,ct
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

You're welcome. Keep posting, it helps.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

I am really so very sorry Destroyed. I agree with Take2. You don't have to do anything now. Nothing. Whatever you are feeling is normal.
Eat a little, drink some water and take a walk. I was a walking fool that first week in December and it was darn cold here in Canada!

You will have no concentration and you will lose weight and sleep. Read from the Healing Library.

Make NO major decisions at this very emotional time.

Hugs
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2461 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
keptmyword
Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)

Destroyedman,

I know how you feel. I know the devastation, the shock, disbelief, and all the other shit that comes with learning of being betrayed by the one who you were supposed to be able to trust above all others.

First off, and this is extremely important. Sear this into your heart, mind, and soul for it is the truth:

Her having an affair with another man had NOTHING to do with YOU or YOUR MARRIAGE.

Got it?

It didn't have anything to do with you or how good or bad of a husband you may or may not have been. Nor did it have anything to do with how good or bad your marriage may or may not have been.

Keep in mind, infidelity occurs as much if not more in marriages that are deemed "good" as those that are deemed "bad". Adultery/infidelity is NOT a marital issue - it is a PERSONAL issue.

It's not you - it is HER.

If she thought the marriage was so very bad then it is simply a matter of separation and divorce. That's it.

Second. Your wife has not destroyed your life. She has destroyed HER integrity and sense of loyalty forever but YOU still have yours. YOU will still be able to look in your daughters eyes and be able to tell her that you kept your word.

You feel incredibly betrayed. I felt this and occasionally the "how could she do this?" feeling still comes up (I'm a little over a year from D-day and divorcing her). So long as you have YOUR integrity you will have the ability to trust again.

It will take time to get over the betrayal. Keeping in mind that it had nothing to do with you is key in healing.

Do NOT speak with or confront the affair guy. Know this: He doesn't give a shit about you, your pain, your daughter, your daughter's pain, your family, or your family's pain. He only cares about saving his ass and will lie in any way, shape or form to do so. He will deceive you as much as he needs to so that he minimizes any consequence of his actions. It was a good thing that you immediately informed his fiance. Exposing the affair is one of the best ways to kill it.

Do not trust your wayward wife. She has been extremely dishonest with you and will continue to do so in order to avoid the consequences of doing something to you that she knows she would never want anyone to do to her. My wayward wife became the most dishonest person I have ever known. It may be shocking how much you may find that she has lied and deceived so be prepared for any and all of that.

Seek support from your family and close friends. They can be invaluable. Mine were. Tell whomever you feel comfortable telling but mainly those who are going to be supportive.

I would consult with a lawyer to find out your rights if you decide to divorce.

And, know that you will get passed this. Your world has not ended. One thing I can tell you is that experiences like this force us to reach deep-down within ourselves. You will learn and discover abilities that you never imagined you had within yourself.

This is not the end of your world or your life. I know it seems that way right now but you will see in time.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
destroyedman
New Member
Member # 38780
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, March 24th (Sunday)

thanks all for responding.

its 6 am here, cant sleep. I really don't understand one thing i am feeling and saying. because i have no way to get out of my apartment, i have no money of my own now, and i dont want to abandon my daughter, i cant just up and leave and take my daughter to my moms house, if i do my W threatened to call the police. So i am basically stuck living here.

I am having this feeling that she would actually be better with the OM. I have told her this, in a very calm logical way, saying "i think you would be better with him, you have a better connection, and you obviously had a PA". i am actually trying to convince her to go to him. I dont know why i feel this way, if its what i really want, but i say it. maybe i believe it really wont happen. maybe i feel like i want her to go back to him, and eventually realize they really had nothing. maybe it is a quick and easy way for me to just accept that we are over in my mind. maybe when she says no, it makes me feel better or something.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: stamford,ct
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, March 24th (Sunday)

Hi honey

he did not agree to tell me, because he didnt trust me. so he finally agreed to give me the info at some point later, in a non traceable way, and in return asked me not to contact him, his fiance, or any thing related to him again.

Do NOT contact him again or believe a word he says. He is looking after himself and has absolutely no concern for you or your WW.

HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, March 24th (Sunday)

I agree with Laura, don't contact him again. If he cared at all he wouldn't have slept with your wife.

About what she said about contacting the police. What grounds would she have? If you tell her you're taking your daughter to your mother's house I don't think that would fall under anything illegal. Now that she's going down that road the best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter would be to find out the laws in CT. Talk to a lawyer, talk to the police, just give them basics, find out where you stand. There's power in knowledge. I'm not saying file a report or divorce, just get information. Once you have that you may not feel trapped and she won't be able to threaten you anymore, and that's exactly what she did.

Good Luck.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
destroyedman
New Member
Member # 38780
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, March 24th (Sunday)

I am starting to get a handle on blame shifting, but I am still not feeling blameless. In one of our last discussions, she said it was a mistake, but she did it because there was a "gap" she was trying to fill. I don't know if that is true or not, but is it possible that she just wanted him, his "talking", and physically, and she created more problems between us since she started falling for him? Since they have become close, I have seen increased complaints, dissatisfaction with me, and at this point I don't know why. Is this possible or isn't possible that I just wasn't good enough for her, and I did actually create the gap?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: stamford,ct
Brokenheart777
Member
Member # 38561
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, March 24th (Sunday)

DM, trust me and others when we say that is TYPICAL WS behavior. As they become more involved with AP they become far more critical of their SO. I saw this first hand and I was so shocked that our relationship was being vilified and I was being told how much I didn't do. You will se in time how typical all of the things that waywards do.


ME - A new person
HER - A waining memory
DDay - 2/22/2013
2-3 month EA/PA
Together for 6 years, ready to start my life . . .

"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back


Posts: 177 | Registered: Feb 2013
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, March 24th (Sunday)

The gap she was filling has nothing to do with you. Or else if this was actually her answer to problems in the marriage then her solution appears to be to get out of the M -- an exit affair.

Normally, when something is wrong, and you aren't getting what you need from a marriage - you talk, you get MC, you work on it. Having an affair can not do anything toward fixing or filling that gap.

You were in the same marriage - why didn't you cheat? Was it perfect for you? Why did you honor your vows? Is it because you wouldn't do that to someone else, you realized such an action would in fact be destroying your M? Integrity held you to the bounds of the M - that is what marriage is supposed to be, right and why we take vows?

Her gap - is personal. Why doesn't she have "the line you don't cross"? Why were her boundaries so loose? Why is she entitled to break her vows when things get hard? What was she getting out of the A that she couldn't get in the M? Ego stroking? What makes her so special that she gets to do what she wants while you suffer the consequences?

The only gap this addressed was inside of her as an individual. A's require a huge amount of selfishness and entitlement, they require deceit, and lie upon lie told to your spouse and others. There is a personal gap - right there - a gap in her integrity. A's don't fix problems, fill gaps or address anything in the M. They wreck havoc and destroy marriages.

Whatever the gap she was trying to fill -- it is still there inside of her.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4133 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
just friends?
New Member
Member # 35057
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, March 24th (Sunday)

Sorry you're here. I feel your pain. Just an aside, if you still need work look at the fracking industry. There are entry level jobs paying six figures. I'm in PA. So are the jobs. Whatever happens, good luck.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Mar 2012
QVee
Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, March 24th (Sunday)

I don't know if someone has said this earlier, but please make an appointment for STD testing. Don't believe the "we wore condoms story."


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, March 24th (Sunday)

@destroyedman: you did nothing wrong. Heal yourself.
@QVee: love your signature.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

Brokenheart777 is absolutely right. She bought the WS handbook as has memorized it word-for-word. If she was filling a gap it was a hole she created, not you. Sure, negative things happen all the time in our lives that help shape the people we become, but at some point we all must stand up and say "it wasn't my mother, or an ex, or this situation or that situation that made me do this. I wanted to do it." It's called growing up and owning our "shite." It's what adults do. Don't let her make you feel that it's your fault. Remember what I said - the issues in a marriage are 50/50 on the couple, the affair is 100% hers, she needs to own it.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

Your WW did not make a mistake. She made a choice.
She chose to have an A.
You are not responsible for that choice.
She should have chosen to work on your marriage instead of cheating.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 484 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

Yep, Cheaters handbook 101, and many of us now unfortunately know it chapter and verse. The only gap we are dealing with here concerns her morals and integrity vs decent people.

Also, some cheaters will spew a bunch of crap/lies/excuses to the BS because guess what, THEY WANTED TO HAVE THE AFFAIR, and now have to justify it with blameshift, lies and excuses to explain, and justify it to their broken self... Can't look like a whore you know, so pin it on someone else, compartmentalize, delude themselves, gaslight...

Some like my STBXWW are chickenshit cowards, and have such a high level of entitlement and devoid of a conscious, they will as she has told me has no regret what-so-ever, remorse, or empathy for the pain they have caused for having an A... Pure psychopath, and once you have seen the dead eyes while they transform, go into a rage, turn into a monster, you never forget the chill down your spine... Hell, my STBXWW GOT OFF seeing me cry, upset, etc after D-day.

Best of luck to you my friend, and post here often, it will be your lifeline!


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

Shockleader, your post really resonated with me, right down to the "dead eyes." Once my husband walked past me, recently, while I was in a ball on floor by the foot of my bed crying and ignored me. Your STBXWW sounds like my WH. Your post is spot on.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
still2suspicious
Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

, i cant just up and leave and take my daughter to my moms house, if i do my W threatened to call the police.

DM,

Check your laws. In most states she can call the cops till the cows come home, and it won't mean shit!! You are her dad, you are still married, no court orders therefore you CAN just go to you mom's to see family.

She is trying to control you, and the whole situation. She will bully you, if you let her, and she keeps getting away with it. DON'T LET HER!!!

You r a person too, and YOU deserve respect.

Loser??? No way, buddy, just a loving person who found out his S was a shithead.

Please see a lawyer ASAP, and take their advice. Being dependent on her income, at this point in time, may work to your advantage. Something I am sure she isn't thinking about.

Take your time , breathe and let us help guide you. You will be OK, with or without her.

Hugs to you and DD.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
nordicbabe
Member
Member # 35419
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

I'm only going to say one thing: ditch the bitch. You deserve better.

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Apr 2012
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

Very sorry to hear that simplydevastated, and let's hope our, and others actual experiences can guide our friend destroyedman.

The complete lack of empathy I have witnessed, along with the subhuman treatment of myself and DD is really life altering. As an example of taking pleasure in my pain, my STBXWW said in a very condescending, childish, Elmer Fud voice, wearing a shit grin:

"What, aufwaid of the big scarewy world"

When I was upset, and made the mistake of telling her about my fears... That was the last time, ever... The more sad I became, the more rage she had, and seemed to enjoy the drama, histrionics, etc.

Even today, my DD has no idea where her mom has been for three days, "sleeping" overnight somewhere. When DD asked her where she was, STBXWW told her:

"None or your business."

I did not prompt this, as I really don't give two shits and a snap where she is, or what she is doing. She never packs a bag anymore, takes her toothbrush, nothing, so I guess her "none of your business" is cheaterspeak for "I'm at the love nest, fuck you both."

So destroyedman, please, please never think for a second that she won't stoop to insane levels of lying, gaslighting, trickle truth, anger, put-downs, and duplicity... Right now, she is in cover her ass mode, could be miles ahead of you in detachment, and could use this against you. Don't trust anything she says, and damn little of what she does.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
destroyedman
New Member
Member # 38780
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

All,
thanks so much for your guidance, i feel really lucky that i can hear advice from a lot of people who have real life experience with the same issues. this post is something very important to me now.

yes, when i show that i am upset, angry at something, tell her what i am thinking because it is killing me, she often gets angry at me.

for example, the AP was a chinese guy who was engaged. Today we went to a family school dinner event, for my daughters sake, i really did not want to go as a family. There I saw a beautiful Asian family, and of course what i thought was some terrible reality that she actually could have gotten pregnant with this guy. i was so upset, i wrongly said, "you know it is possible that you can be pregnant with his child, do you really want an asian baby?". WW got very angry and threatened that we should just give up and D. after that, my chest felt tight, i felt like my head was going to explode. I read about the fog, and i think i may be in a fog myself with her.

i am always comparing myself to the OM. I kept thinking how much happier she would be at the family event than me, he can be more sociable, and how she could connect with him better. I don't know why I would even feel that way, in reality if he was there with my daughter, i know at this point i would die inside.

i also read about the 180 stuff, but i suck at it. doing that really goes against how i feel inside, i just want to take my aggression out on her, make her feel my pain.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: stamford,ct
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

What you need to understand - is that at this stage with an unremorseful spouse ... your anger is her justification for the A. Every bitter thing you say, she twists into proof that the M sucked, that you are an angry person...

The 180 gives you distance, and leaves her with only her conscience to beat up on... not you!

We all suck at it at first - it takes practice!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4133 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

The 180 gives you distance, and leaves her with only her conscience to beat up on... not you!

^^^THIS x1000!!


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
destroyedman
New Member
Member # 38780
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

another thing that is really bugging me, i dont know why, but i feel i want to push WW back to the OM. i dont understand the reasons, but what i feel is that, well he is better for her than me, so just go be happy. i really cant explain it, anyone have insights as to why? should i push her back to him? i think that she should experience him in real life, without me, to see what he is really like, past her initial fantasy. insights?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: stamford,ct
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

Doesn't that viewpoint kind of fit that saying: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you.....(can't remember the rest exactly)

I don't really see anything wrong with your feelings....you aren't trying to control the outcome and *force* her into R with you. As long as you plan to continue taking steps to look out for yourself and you're not just sitting around waiting on her.....it actually sounds very much like the *detachment* that we talk about.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 7:09 PM, March 24th (Sunday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

Have you considered that this is just a dealbreaker for you?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
destroyedman
New Member
Member # 38780
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, March 24th (Sunday)


"Have you considered that this is just a dealbreaker for you?"
good point.


I haven't really considered it consciously anyway, but possibly subconsciously i have. I think i am just to much of an emotional wreck to say "dealbreaker->over". and then there is my daughter also.

I guess I feel that when i get in a better position financially/emotionally, its probably a better time to assess that. but honestly at this point, i don't even feel its the real me typing.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: stamford,ct
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

don't even feel its the real me typing

Most likely to be your body's response to the *shock*.

Your WW's bitchy attitude in response to all of this isn't going to do you any favors, so detaching from her is a really good idea.

Give yourself some time. There's no rush for you to make any type of decision right this second. If things devolve and become volatile, take your DD and go to your mom's. Your WW can't stop you and the police can't do anything. You are free to take your DD wherever you want to.

And under no circumstances should you sideline your application. She's taken enough away from you, don't let her take that also.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

SL, that is beyond cruel (I sent you a pm).

DM, I hope that our stories help you see that you're not alone and that what your WW is doing is typical for an unremorseful WS. It still hurts, though.

When I was new I posted in this forum about how bad I sucked at the 180. Another SIer replied telling me I was doing a modified 180, more like a 125. That made me laugh (I referenced this same story in another thread here.) Anyway... My point is to look at the list and pick the items you know you can do easily, give it a few days the add something else. Before you know it you'll realize that you don't suck at the 180

Another story from my lovely (read with a healthy dose of sarcasm) husband.

My DS9 and him fight worse than cats and dogs. On numerous occasions I've had to stand between them. Other times he's bent down to look DS9 in the face and say "Does it look like I care?" Most recently, DS9 brought home his report card (Uh, oh). It wasn't great. My WH started yelling at him and said "failure is not an option. There will be no failures in this family." Nice. There's also been times where he's threatened to leave and I've gotten to the point where my only response is "You can't threaten me."

We've been and/or currently are where you are now. All I can say is focus on you and your daughter. It will get better in time.

**Edited to correct typos, I'm typing on my phone. Sorry if I missed some.**

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 10:06 PM, March 24th (Sunday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, March 24th (Sunday)

The 180 gives you distance, and leaves her with only her conscience to beat up on... not you!

If the 180 gives you distance, and doesn't leave her with only her conscience to beat up on... then a D sure will.

My FWW took disadvantage of my 180 to prepare her script to her side of the family to prove how irresponsible I was to leave a 3 year old DS and poor defenceless FWW out in the cruel world.

PI also caught her searching for an apartment near OMs way of daily commute when I was doing a 180.
Really she did things she wanted w/o caring for me. She had clearly checked out long before I even came to know about A.

The mention of D got her out of the fog and I was the nicest person in the whole wide world.
Too bad she had already shown who she was and what all she could do, and I wasn't impressed by that.
This time she lost weight, looked horribly ugly and blamed OBS for giving a broken house to our child.
Man talk about being dillusional.

[This message edited by Happydays at 10:54 PM, March 24th (Sunday)]


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, March 25th (Monday)

Morning DM, I wanted to see how you're doing today.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, March 25th (Monday)

destroyedman,

Thought I'd chime in on this as I'm a betrayed husband too. I feel for you and what you are going through. I'm living it myself.

This is all new and shocking. You are going to go through a lot of emotional ups and downs. You are going to question everything at this point. It's normal and be patient with yourself. You can take some time to figure this out, you don't have to make any decisions right now. Verify with your state first but getting away from the delusional WW may be what you need right now. Getting away from the crazy will help get some of your sense of balance back. Your shocked and confused about a lot of things rightn now, not to mention her lies and blameshifting keep putting you in a tailspin over and over.

More than anything you need to drill it into your head that your WW made a CHOICE. She CHOSE to do what she did. There were may other options but she CHOSE the A. If you have to look in the mirror and repeat that to yourself over and over then do it. You may have issues, your marrriage may have issues, but she made a unilateral CHOICE to have the A.

The 180 is to get some of your sense of self back. I am still working on it and fail at times too. But keep at it. Aside from any children you are the most important person at this point. Do what you need to do to get yourself back. A truly remorseful WW would want you to do that and would help you do that.

So sorry you find yourself here. It's also a good thing too. You can work through this. Stay strong.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, March 25th (Monday)

Hey DM,

See my tagline?

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone.
"

I’m possibly a bit older than many posters here (reaching 50) and it’s been some years since my d-day (+25 years) but my life and career have been littered with great ups and serious downs. You know – that strange thing called “life”. If I can draw any conclusion to it all then it’s concentrated in that above quote from the Stoic philosopher Epictetus. And I truly believe that in it is the key to working oneself out of serious quandaries like the one you are dealing with.

First of all: The above posters telling you WW actions are a choice are spot on.
Now – I’m guessing your wife didn’t wake up one morning determined to have an affair but at some point in the process she DECIDED very consciously to take it that one step further than her morals and conscience (under normal circumstances) would allow. OK – she probably justified it to herself and no doubt it all rang true to her but still… She DECIDED to have an affair.
I’m a former cop and early on one of my first shifts a veteran told me to notice that no matter what the crime the perpetrator would always justify it: I had to steal that wallet to buy food, he deserved to be shot, it wasn’t rape – she wanted it… It’s the same with your wife; she justifies her affair by rewriting the past to reflect a bad marriage. Irrespective of how the marriage was. In a sense justifying an affair to a bad marriage is comparable to justifying cutting off someone’s head due to bad breath.

Second: This situation can end in two acceptable and “cope able” ways and in one unacceptable way. Reconciliation or divorce are both OK solutions. Both will eventually lead to healing, both are tough and both are attainable (with the correct attitude and effort). The ONLY unacceptable way is to remain married WITHOUT dealing with the infidelity and the underlying issues and consequences.
Unfortunately this third way is the one the WS tend to steer towards and WAY TOO MANY BS accepts and go along with.
Do this and chances are you will experience a new d-day in the next couple of years.

Keep in mind that the ONLY option of the two “desirable” ones (divorce/reconciliation) that YOU can select and implement without WW participation or approval is divorce. Think this through: If your WW does not want to reconcile then no matter what YOU do it won’t make the marriage better. Sort of like you not having had an affair does not make the marriage worse or less bad. It takes total commitment from both of you so unless and until she commits… well… divorce is your only path.

THIS IS IMPORTANT: I am NOT recommending or suggesting you divorce. In fact my advice is totally 100% based on you reconciling. Is that clear? Well – read on and you might think otherwise.

OK – So we have established that the affair is your WW decision. We have established that there are two reasonable ways out of infidelity (D/R). We have established that there is a third unacceptable option (not dealing with the issues). We have established that YOU can control D but that you need WW to go along with R.

Now – for a moment imagine you were dealing with another problem. Instead of infidelity you needed to go on a train-journey to a distant place. The trip has life altering consequences for you (life-saving treatment, life altering career… whatever). Your WW isn’t too keen so you spend some time explaining the trip, the benefits, the reasons… Yet she won’t go. So she drives you to the station and all along the drive you try to convince her… You go buy two tickets and offer her one… She goes to the platform with you and you delay boarding the train to the last call… all the time trying to convince her… She shows interest… or not… You climb onboard the train and gesture her through a window to come… She refuses. The train pulls out of the station and you see her slowly disappearing…

In a sense that’s where you are right now. YOU have to set off out of infidelity. YOU can offer your WW a path with you but at some point she has to jump on board. At some point you reach a crossroad on your journey out of infidelity where your WW joins you or your ways part.

Right now you are some way off that point. Right now you are basically still at home realizing you have to make that journey. But you better start planning and packing for it (rhetorically)

What I suggest is the following:
Always keep in mind that divorce is a possible outcome. Therefore knowing about divorce is a powerful tool. Look up and read about division of assets, debts, custody, child-support… and all other aspects of D in your state. In reality D is a relatively fair deal; best proven by the fact that normally both partners feel screwed after a divorce. But the nightmare stories you hear about losing everything in D and all that tend to be grossly exaggerated. But then – you are not planning on divorcing: you are simply getting to know your options.

Tell your wife that she is totally free to see OM. Tell her that if she truly thinks you are so bad a husband she is totally free to see OM, separate or act as single. BUT NOT AS YOUR WIFE.
Tell her (and this is an extremely powerful statement) that you have realized one thing: That discovering about the affair had been extremely painful and that the thought of the marriage possibly being over is extremely hard for you BUT you have also realized that SHARING her is immensely worse that the possibility of losing her. That you refuse to share her and that she is totally free to do whatever she wants. BUT if she wants to be in the marriage then it’s as your WIFE and that requires total fidelity.
It’s her call. You aren’t forbidding her to have affairs, she can do the local fire-station for all you care but IF she wants to be your wife she needs to commit to the marriage.

Then you tell her that until and unless she verbally commits to the marriage you will simply assume the marriage is over.
If she commits to the marriage then the two of you will have to do IMMENSE work to reconcile, including MC, IC, regaining of trust… But if she doesn’t then you will simply assume that the marriage is dead and you will start the actions of burying it.

Remove all your WW excuses and complaints.
You a bad husband? OK – Sorry she feels that way but if she doesn’t think you can change then that’s fine – the marriage is dead.
You can’t afford to divorce? Yes you can, D’s can be done cheap if there is limited conflict.
You won’t see your daughter again. Yes I will – there are rules and laws about custody. We can be great co-parents without being friends or married.
All the time reiterate: Divorce isn’t what you WANT but if she can’t commit to the marriage then it’s the only option you have.

Eventually she will either jump on that train or remain there standing on the platform. I’m betting the train because in reality only 1 in 5 marraiges dealing with infidelity do end in divorce. But at least YOU will be on your way to healing.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, March 25th (Monday)

Bigger,

Brilliant!


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, March 25th (Monday)

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you.....(can't remember the rest exactly)

"Make sure you changed the locks."

Well said as always Bigger.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7484 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, March 25th (Monday)

Printout bigger's post and reread it several times. If this shitstorm was a AP calculus test Bigger just gave you a copy of the cheatsheet.

As a fellow betrayed husband I and many others received similar advice when we got here soon after our dday's and we either wouldn't or couldn't follow that advice. Fear is very powerful but don't let it control you. At the end of the day you can take back control of your life now and save yoruself months or years of agony that can be avoided by just following the advice you were just given. It will not be easy to follow but it is VERY ACCURATE advice.

Did I follow it when I got here, NOPE, but looking back I wish I had. Would I still have ended up in divorce, YES, because my wayward wife was unremorseful and couldn't change. If I had followed that advice then I would have discovered that my WW could not change almost 2 years ago and would have saved myself 1.5 years of additional pain when I could have been on the way to healing 1.5 years earlier.

I and others are proof that the long path gets you there as well but it does suck and it takes so much more out of you. I wish you the best.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, March 25th (Monday)

I know exactly how you feel but just take it one day at a time, one breath at a time. Things will get better. It will take time and sometimes time is not enough. I hate that you're going thru this cause it hurts like MF!!!

Don't make any quick decisions, don't do anything crazy, just slow it down. Look at the positive and focus on that.

I had the same shit happen to me and I depend on her income so I'm still stuck here.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
destroyedman
New Member
Member # 38780
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, March 25th (Monday)

All,
thanks so much for your responses, i read all with great anticipation. the advice i receive here is actually proving to be more valuable than IC.

So today I went to IC, just talked, some viewpoints given to me, but it all really feels like bullsh*t.

and last night, i did say, with sincerity for my WW that she is free go to the OM. she said no, im crazy, and she wants to work it out. but i feel that may be because the OM decided to try to work things out with his fiance.

my WW told me today that she wants to work on her problems and become a better wife, and go to a counselor. i dont know what the F that means. i practically begged her to go to a counselor before this. is this what the price is ? ok, i will go to counselor, but i am going to F this hot guy first, not you- you loser.

Right now, i am feeling major major problems of inadequacy. I just simply feel inferior to most men i guess, but completely inferior to him. I see his pictures, and he looks like a very sexy, clean cut, guy. and he made my WW feel very "special", she said she just went to him because she wanted something "beautiful", she said she liked his "energy".

i am actually regressing at this point, I just cant help but feel like an ugly, insecure, broke loser. in reality, before this happened i would be fine being in a room where he was, and feel fine about myself, not thinking about a comparison at all. but now, i just feel completely worthless. it feels like we went to battle and he beat me with his fists, then stabbed me with his sword, stood on my head and can scream "I am Superior in every way to this Man."

i am really regressing badly today i guess.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: stamford,ct
shyguy
Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, March 25th (Monday)

1. Eat
2. Sleep
3. Drink lots of water


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, March 25th (Monday)

There is one aspect of infidelity that is totally 100% true:
It’s NEVER about the OP.

OK… There might be the exception. If your wife had fallen for Brad Pitt or George Clooney then MAYBE the fact it was them would be a factor BUT even then it’s more the kick that these specific guys would give her the time of day that’s the clincher.

So your WW did not have an affair with OM because he’s so much better than you. In fact – on a moral compass we know he isn’t. She didn’t know about his sexual abilities, penis size, tantric love abilities or ANYTHING like that until AFTER she decided to cross that line. In fact we know that his best was at best 60% of good enough by his own admission…
She had an affair with him because he was AVAILABLE. That’s it. So if you feel inadequate to him… well Sir – you are using a mighty short measure.

The OM is shit. He’s irrelevant. He’s a nobody. He’s not worth your spit.

Your emotions are normal. You and only you can make yourself feel better. Eat, drink, exercise and remember that YOU are morally superior in this situation.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, March 25th (Monday)

The toll on our self esteem when our wives cheat can cut very deep. I feel for what you are going through. Its easy to say because he's a lying sack of shit for hooking up with your wife, you are so much better than him. But I know it still hurts. I hope that you'll soon come to find your confidence again and realize the OM is a not worth any more time in your mind. You'll get there and you will get through this.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, March 25th (Monday)

The OM is shit. He’s irrelevant. He’s a nobody. He’s not worth your spit.

^^^ This!


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
destroyedman
New Member
Member # 38780
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, March 25th (Monday)

"Make sure you changed the locks." ..

i actually had my first small smile in 14 days, thanks.

[This message edited by destroyedman at 6:21 PM, March 25th (Monday)]


Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: stamford,ct
destroyedman
New Member
Member # 38780
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, March 25th (Monday)

thanks everyone, and bigger.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: stamford,ct
HoldingTogether
Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, March 25th (Monday)

Chiming in a little late here just to say that that post from Bigger is probably the most clear, succinct, and accurate summations of both the situation BS's find themselves in post Dday and the best possible path to follow going forward from there, that I have read to date.

Seriously, BRA-fucking-VO man!

I make a motion that, going forward, all new BH's must be forced to have that shit tattooed on the insides of their eyelids.

All kidding aside destroyedman, if you can actually manage to internalize and follow the advice bigger just gave you I promise you will have a better than average shot of making it through this shit storm in one piece.

Strength and healing to you brother.
HT

p.s. Come down and visit us in the I can relate betrayed men's forum sometime. The water's fine and the support is even finer.


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 437 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, March 25th (Monday)

I just wanted to echo that if I had listened to Bigger (and others but Bigger seems to have a unique talent for laying out a clear path) when I first started here rather than wallowing in misery and false hope for a few months, I would be a few months ahead in my healing.

Some people will chime in and tell you to wait a few months before making any life changing decisions because you're in shock. I say fuck that. File for divorce, see how she reacts and then make your choices from a position of strength. In my signature, I quote Sun Tzu. I believe in that quote whole heartedly. You are the most powerful person in your own life and whether the battle leafs to the salvation of your marriage or the start of an awesome new life, you need to be the one operating from a position of power.


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, March 25th (Monday)

A lot in this post is probably gping to fall under "easier to give advice than to follow it." (for me).


I just simply feel inferior to most men i guess, but completely inferior to him

Don't let yourself feel like this. You're already a better person for tge simple fact you didn't sleep with another man's wife. You have a higher moral standard than him and he's not worth the skin he's wrapped in. Im going to repeat myself, you're better than him.

I just cant help but feel like an ugly, insecure, broke loser


Yup, I understand this one all to well. Some women always carry some insecurities about their outward appearance. We're bombarded with images of what is supposed to beautiful and when we fall short we take it to heart. Before infidelity some women just feel insecure when they catch boyfriends/husbands checking out other women, we think "she has everything I don't have and now he's looking, great!" After infidelity it's worse because our worst fears have just come to life.

I feel the same way you stated. I'm not pretty enough, thin enough, my chest isn't big enough, my butt isn't tight enough. I'm just not enough. No matter what I do this is how I'll look and it's not good enough for him. I have no job etc... Loser with a capital "L". I see who he looks at, and I fall short every time. It seems most men want the Victoria Secret model.

But you know what? Sexy is a state of mind. You could take the most attractive man or women and listen to them say the most ugly things and that makes them ugly. Then you can take someone who, by society's standard, is average looking, and they can be the most compassionate person around and that makes the sexy.

It's not what's on the outside, it's the inside that matters.

You think you can't hold a candle to thus man, but in reality, he can't hold a candle to you. From your posts I can tell you are kind, compassionate, driven, you possess a depth of feeling that some people never experience. Never feel inferior, insecure, ugly, or a loser. Because the reality is, you're not.

Now, I'm going to have myself a good cry.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:22 PM, March 25th (Monday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, March 25th (Monday)

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you.....(can't remember the rest exactly)

"Make sure you changed the locks."

Baahahahahaha, @StillGoing that was absolutely hilarious. Made my day, or whatever is left of it.

The original hoax is:

If You Love Someone, Set Them Free. If They Come Back They’re Yours; If they don't, they never were.

In these times:
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, make sure you changed the locks. If they don't, change them anyway just in case.

[This message edited by Happydays at 11:12 PM, March 25th (Monday)]


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

he's not worth the skin he's wrapped in.

Nice way to put it simplydevastated, great sentiment and post too.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

How are you doing today DM? Take it one day at a time. It's going to feel like a huge weight on you for awhile but IT DOES GET BETTER!

In the beginning I could not eat so I bought some protein shakes, it's easier to force yourself to drink the shakes then eat in the beginning. This shit will dominate your thoughts for awhile as well. Try to force yourself to do something everyday. I made lists in the beginning of things I could do that didn't take very long and some that took a long time. Then I would start on the small tasks and try to get a few knocked out and if I did that okay I would move on to the larger tasks.

Exercise everyday even if it's just a walk, jog, bike ride, anything to keep you active. It will serve you well after the shock wears off to have an outlet for the anger, nervous energy, just general blahness.

Also as far as other man is concerned, F.T.G. or FUCK THAT GUY. If it wasn't him it would have been someone else. Your Wayward Wife (WW) is the one that made the vows to you not him. She had choices and now she has to own her choices and the associated consequences.

Keep posting man and keep reading, it really does help.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:13 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
JWolfPDX
Member
Member # 33052
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)

[This message edited by JWolfPDX at 2:08 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]


Married June 29th, 1991
DDay #1 03/20/2001 False R. I stayed anyway
DDay #2 07/25/2007 False R. I stayed anyway.
DDay #3 03/16/2009 False R. I stayed anyway.
Sent her packing June 1st, 2010.
Divorce Final 12/21/2011(20 years married)
DD 19, DS 16

Posts: 95 | Registered: Aug 2011
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)

Destroyedman,

Sorry and welcome,
I too am glad you found this place so early in the R. I found it a week ago and prior to that stumbled around blindly for 6months. This place and the library will help you heal and answer so many questions. Take2 your words are spot on. "Her gap - is personal. Why doesn't she have "the line you don't cross"? Why were her boundaries so loose? Why is she entitled to break her vows when things get hard? What was she getting out of the A that she couldn't get in the M? Ego stroking? What makes her so special that she gets to do what she wants while you suffer the consequences?" Don't let her destroy you. You are strong(you didn't have an affair). You have high moral values and integrity. You can and should hold your head high in front of your daughter. Take care of your physical self. The rest will take a lot longer. It sucks, so sorry. The first thing I would have done differently. Initiated NC. If you have access to the phone and comp, block his calls and number. Help protect your wife from her stupid self in case you decide to save the marriage. Doing that may prevent further damage. Toss any "toxic" friends that knew about the affair and helped support it. Even if she wants to keep them, it is time for her to put you first. Don't hide the affair from anyone you feel can help you. She at this point has no rights or deserves to be treated so her respect remains in-tack till she feels complete remorse.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
keptmyword
Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)

i just feel completely worthless. it feels like we went to battle and he beat me with his fists, then stabbed me with his sword, stood on my head and can scream "I am Superior in every way to this Man."

No, no, and fucking no!

It is NOT this at all.

Rather, it's like this:
Your morally-challenged WW saw an Olympic-sized pool full of shit-laden sewage and, for the attention, decided to take a swan-dive into it. The also-immoral affair guy saw her wading in the pool of shit and figured if she's stupid enough to swim in shit then she's probably stupid and broken enough to have sex with him. So, he took the opportunity and dove in with her. They writhed in their shit-pool together thinking how fun it was until someone (you) came along and saw them swimming in shit together. Using common-fucking-sense, you yelled at them asking as to why the hell would you want to swim in a pool of shit? They both realized then and there that they were actually swimming in shit together. Immediately, your WW start pointing at you claiming "You PUSHED me in!!", and the affair guy carefully got out, attempting not to be noticed by anyone else, and ran home to attempt to shower off the overwhelming stench of shit.

THAT is what you are dealing with. Pure fucking irrational trying to be rationalized.

It has NOTHING to with you or your marriage and the affair guy is just one of those tiny-minded types who are willing to "swim in shit" for a piece of ass while believing they are Don-fucking-Juan in doing so.

You didn't dive into the pool of shit.

They did.

And they will always have some degree of the stench no matter how long or hard they scrub.

Now, does he seem in any way, shape, or form "superior" to you?


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)

Kept, that is one heck of a visual. Great post!


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)

I want to address two specific points in your original post:

I have been unemployed and working on a financial trading application, which had about 4 more months to go before I can turn it on.

OK – I’m going to assume you are unemployed because you lost your last job. If I’m off-base then ignore the rest per se but anyway…

Our careers and employment tends to be a major factor in our lives. For many it defines so much; our social status, our circle of acquaintances and friends, our earning potential, our ability to provide… The list goes on and on. So losing a job can be a major trauma, even possibly the largest trauma you have experienced until your WW affair.

In the economy as it has been in the last couple of years then way too many people have had to deal with a job-loss. The positive on this is that it’s happening to all – it’s not the infective, the lazy, the limited… it’s anyone and everyone. So any stigma you might have about losing a job has to be reevaluated. You can’t base it on your old values simply because they don’t apply.

What could be an issue is that you and your WW have to be on track on what you DO after losing your job. She has to be on board with your software development. She has to accept that you work from home and the work-load has to reflect that, as well as financial obligations. Heck – you might even deliver pizzas at night or get a part-time job to contribute financially if the financial trading application plus your household and family obligations is not taking all your time. You might decide to draw out the development time to get some income from a side-job. Or you and WW could jointly decide the software is a good and feasible idea and that she is OK with you spending this time developing it because the pay-off will come soon.
The main and major thing is that you are both on the same track.

In fact – as a stakeholder your WW should be getting progress reports.

Do this and your WW can’t hold your present situation and income against you. It’s a joint decision, it’s a commitment. Sort of like if one spouse decides to be a SAHS without an income, or works on his/her own company with variable or no income. If she doesn’t accept you being home doing this project then MAYBE you do need to find a job and do this in your free time. If that’s the case then the type of job you get should be irrelevant because it’s only temporary until you get the software developed.

And the job loss alone is good reason to get mild anti-depressants. Add the infidelity and brother – I hope you make an appointment with your MD ASAP. Get all the help you can.

Exercise has been mentioned. If you don’t exercise then make sure you add an hours walk to your schedule daily from now on. It will do you immense good.

The other point:

my W is a bisexual, we had a 3 way before we were married, and expresses interest in women a lot. which i told her is ok, as long as i knew and can say no if i want.

OK – So why are you OK if it’s a woman but not if it’s a man? Isn’t infidelity infidelity?
Look – you can have an open marriage. Not my scene but that’s OK. In an open marriage there are rules that both parties adhere to. So in a sense you had an open marriage with this rule: WW could have sex with women with your approval.
But the danger with open marriages is that a clear line becomes blurred. And it being a woman rather than a man… Well – my wife is blond but let’s say I was really into brunettes too. I would probably get castrated if I asked wife if I could have sex with other women but only if they were brunettes. THAT is the license you gave your wife: You can have sex with other people but only if they are women. Be very careful about this – I suggest that IF you reconcile you strongly advocate at least a period of monogamy before opening up to other participants in sex, male or female.

Like I say; Open marriages are not what I am into, however many people are OK with them. What seems to define a successful open marriage is first and foremost a STRONG base. We have had numerous cases here on SI where the infidelity starts in an open marriage, simply because the rules in place are not adhered to. IMHO your marriage, you and your wife are nowhere near strong enough to warrant even the thought of an open marriage.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
destroyedman
New Member
Member # 38780
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)

Thanks all very much for posting here.

Well, yesterday I spent the whole day in the hospital, std testing, and got prescription for wellbutrin, antidepressant. it is actually starting to work, i feel it slightly only after 2 days. Bigger, your right again i think i should have picked that up right after i lost my contract (i owned a software company for 11 years, and lost my major contract in APR)


also, i am going to buffalo with my daughter for easter, without the WW. I told her i just want to get away from you. she withdrew from me even more, i think it is very painful for her, which actually i dont really think i should be concerned with, but i still am. last night she did not hug me, and detached from me about the whole thing. but this morning we did have sex, fairly unfulfilling, i think the sex has more to do with the wellbutrin, more than anything, it is one of the only AD that enhances sexual function.


Bigger: yes, your right on a lot of those things, and I did make attempts to get her buy-in, to me developing my system, but she just had no faith in me,no belief, and did not support my goals at all. this was actually a very big thing in her eyes, an "unemployed husband". i even made up a project plan for her, and when she realized it would be at least 4 months of development work, she got even more upset. it didnt make much sense to me, if it does work, which all signs are pointing to yes, it would bring in substantial income, for the whole family, and our lives would change for the better drastically. I actually feel that this is what "drove" her into the arms of another man, along with other communication issues we were having. but i feel that giving herself to another man was really unfair to me.

and in terms of the bisexuality, we were pretty clear on the boundaries, and i was ok with them as they were. but i think your right, we should reevaluate them. I actually dont know of any times she was actually with another woman, she said no a while ago, but i dont believe her as far as i can toss her.

also, the guy was 34, good looking, which is another thing that hit me, i am 43, now i feel like the old man. i keep telling her to go back with him if she wants, and she says he is leaving his work, and they dont really talk at work, and says he barely says hi to her at the office. i am thinking, why didnt you say "i dont even want to say hi to him at the office", which indicates her willingness for NC, now it seems like he is the one for NC.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: stamford,ct
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)

I actually feel that this is what "drove" her into the arms of another man, along with other communication issues we were having.

Bullshit meter just pegged! Keep repeating no matter what happenend in my life, situation, or anything else...nothing you did contributed to her choosing to have an affair. If the situation were reversed and she lost her job would you have had an A? The answer to that is likely NO. So what is broken in her that her answer was yes? My point is the job loss is or would be another excuse that either she has told you or you have floating in your head. People lose their jobs all over the country every day. That is a time to pull closer together as a fmaily and focus on next steps not go out and have an A.

This wasn't a 2X4, just wanted to remind you again that no matter what your WW is 100% responsible for the A.

Also if OM is married you should tell his Wife. As for the OM comparisons, you will probably do this for awhile but don't get stuck on OM. He is literally a nobody that is rotten and stinking on the inside.

Focus on you, exercise, detach, and spend time doing things you want to do for you and your kids. Get that 180 going and detach.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:47 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)

Posted answer to another thread here... Will check in again soon!

[This message edited by Bigger at 10:04 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)]


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)

Destroyed,

Like most of us you probably read other threads than yours. See one called Afraid to dream? That guy is getting more or less the same tripe from his wife that you are getting. What’s posted there applies to you.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
Topic Posts: 65