Haven't posted in awhile, mostly because I've been trying to get my proverbial ducks in a row, and feeling sorry for myself too, if I may be honest.
My husband is still lying, like A LOT. Have been using the VAR, actually used two, because the first one was not real reliable. He's lied about working late, where's he's been, who he eats lunch with, in fact the shorter list would be what is he NOT lying about. I still haven't caught him talking with an affair partner though. Granted he is not in his vehicle all day, and there is still the issue of deleted numbers and the woman's phone number hidden on his phone under a mans name, etc, etc. BUT NOT SOLID CONFIRMATION OF AN AFFAIR. There is also the thought that considering my husbands former career, he may be way ahead of me in the keeping his ass covered department. (He used to be a cop.)
I keep reading here that they could be on break, or that possibly they don't talk often. Who knows? I still keep recording. I will say that it has been enlightening to say the least. I've caught him lying to other people on the phone, a mildly flirtatious conversation (on his part) with a coworker, where he was fishing for compliments and she politely rebuffed him. (That was pathetic). I've caught some amusing moments on tape, but definitely nothing endearing or cute.
I've also started IC for myself with a very good therapist. I'm using the tools he's given me to cope, which include not engaging or interrogating my husband for now. You guys had already told me that, but therapist confirmed to just back off. As I don't really have solid proof of anything major, I'll just keep surveillance up until/if I do.
I have also spoken with an attorney, didn't sound so good, but at least now I KNOW. I've taken a good look at my financial situation as well, and again, not looking so good, but I know what I'm going to be dealing with.
My H is definitely threatened by my therapy. At first he was combative, then he professed support. Actually, undying love, devotion, support anything to make "US WORK". He did this during one of our phone conversations while he was in his vehicle at work. As soon as he hung up, the recorder picked him up saying "good, you need to get some help for your psycho ass". Charming, right? Today he want's to know what I told the therapist and has been pouty and pissy.
So yeah, the lying continues, and continues. I'm mystified as to wtf is going on in my marriage and my therapist believes it's fertile ground for infidelity due to the lying and my H's sense of entitlement. There has been a ton of crazy making going on as well, him saying I didn't see things I saw, him denying his actions and words. You name it. Therapist says I need to stay grounded in REALITY, not my husbands "reality".
I'm doing a lot of self reflection and trying to figure out just where the hell I went wrong: Who am I with? How come I didn't see this? What's wrong with me? What else don't I know? Why did this happen? WHY DOES HE LIE SO GODDAMN MUCH?? I'm feeling apathetic, somewhat detached and a little pissed at myself. Foolish. The more I hear him lie, the more I feel like I'm mentally checking out of my marriage.
So, that's where I'm at. Thanks for reading my rambling update, and thanks for all your support. Even if I don't post much at this time, I read here tons and gather knowledge. Thank you for that.