Nov 2012 H dropped on me that he wasn't happy in our marriage. He blamed it on my cluttery ways (I am just shy of hoarder status, if I'm honest) and my being overweight.
I was hurt, and pissed. That night I talked to a mutual friend who knew he was going to tell me. In fact, he'd been confiding in her about his unhappiness for about a year and she was the one who pushed him to tell me.
Talking to her, I found out even more. He'd been contemplating an affair with a coworker, it seems. I asked him about it, he confirmed that he'd thought about it, and that was the end of it.
Feb 2013, I was lying in bed while H was on the computer. He thought I was asleep (our whole story is complicated, or perhaps made possible, by the fact that he works nights and I work days). I heard the facebook IM sound and just *knew* it was the person he'd contemplated an affair with. I logged into FB on my phone to spy on their conversation (no, I'm not proud of it, but I'm guessing many others have done something similar). I read along and could tell that the relationship had been more intimate than "just friends." I ended up falling asleep before they ended the conversation, so when I got up in the morning I checked it. He'd deleted the whole thing.
I checked his phone, noted her phone number (along with the recent texts they'd exchanged) and that night I went through his cell records and noted all of their contact. It was 100% by text message, no phone calls. It started in August 2011. Valentine's day of 2012, I sent him 3 text messages while he was at work. I got no response, and his reasoning was he was super busy. Apparently, he wasn't that busy because he exchanged 36 text messages with her that day.
By August 2012 90% of his texts were to or from her.
I ended up calling her (again, not proud). She said he was like a brother to her, nothing ever happened, she had no idea he felt that way, blah blah blah. I didn't believe her then and I don't now, especially after what he told me.
That night, I confronted him about it and we talked for a long time. I asked a lot of questions. I got a lot of answers, but also a lot of "I don't know." I'm not sure if he really can't remember - it's feasible, since his memory for dates and events is terrible - or if he doesn't want to remember or if he just straight up is lying.
He swears it was emotional only. He admitted to me that night that he told her he wanted to have an affair with her and she told him he needed to talk to me. THAT is why I don't believe her when she says she had no idea how he felt.
Since then he has gone NC with her. I check the phone records and his email nearly every day, though he doesn't know that. He deactivated his facebook account. We are in marriage counseling.
So why, WHY, do I feel like NC is just a little too...clean? I feel like I'm missing something. I have a hard time imagining there is another cell phone, but I suppose there could be a hidden FB or email account. I have a feeling I'm going to hear a lot of "trust your gut" and whatnot...and honestly, I don't know if I'm ready to hear that. What I need to hear is that everyone is suspicious at first, that it takes a while but eventually that will fade. Please, please tell me that's what will happen.