Just Found Out
User Topic: Pretending with family and friends
Member # 38787
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

No one knows what happen with us. All of my friends are also his. I pretend that everything is fine in front of them, should I be doing that. If we R I don't want other to think less of him. It is really Exhausting. I just want normal again if that possible.

Bw (me) 47
WH (him) 59
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22

Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: nj
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

I understand. I haven't told any family or friends either (and I'm almost 18 months out from D day 1!) I don't tell because I'm ashamed that I chose to stay.

Most here on SI and in real life would say to reach out and get help. Don't worry about what others would think of him. But do what works for you. I just know in MY gut that telling others will just make things more emotional and complicated for me and I'd rather not.

Are you in IC? I am and it helps to get it all out to someone. There may also be therapy groups in your area.

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

I've also done this. It's difficult, but as long as he's working on fixing this mess, I'll continue.

I don't want "advice" from others. I don't want to answer questions.

Most of all, I don't want our children to be hurt by this. It would also put me in a position of needing to comfort them at a time when I need that for myself.

I have discovered that I can be quite the actress, pretending my life hasn't been turned on its head. You'll find that most are so focused on their own problems that they won't notice if you're a little "off."

None of this is easy. We've been going to counseling, which has been a tremendous help. It's also a safe place for me to discuss my feelings.

Ultimately, if it becomes too hard for you, it's alright to confide in someone.

BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

I totally understand. Our first DDay was right before Thanksgiving and Christmas season. Lots of family, friends and the like. I was dying inside yet had to have a smile on my face.

...telling others will just make things more emotional and complicated for me and I'd rather not.


This is what got me through the rough times. I reached out, but but turned out she was involved and part of the double betrayal.

After that bomb, I had SI. Not even having to post, just read and nod my head, cry, read more, rinse repeat. It took me a long time before I had the nerve to even register.

There were so many times I wanted to call my mom or his mom or someone I knew loved me and just cry and rant, but I didn't. Adding another layer of drama was what I wanted to avoid more than the plague.

Hang in there!

Just call me Heart. :)
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

I told 2 of my friends, but no family and no other friends.

I didn't want to have others' opinions thrust at me, or have to deal with awkwardness at holidays or other events.

That being said, if R didn't work out and we divorced, I would no longer be inclined to keep the reason a secret.

It sucks, because I often feel like it's protecting him from consequences he deserves, and it's not fair that he escapes from this with his reputation unscathed. But right now, the thought of what it would/could do to MY life is more powerful than the need for him to "hurt" a little.

Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

Hi everyone! I am so with you on this post. And yes, it is EXHAUSTING to smile and say you are fine when what you really want to say is, "San't you see I am broken? Can't you see I am dying inside?!"

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2435 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

Hi everyone! I am so with you on this post. And yes, it is EXHAUSTING to smile and say you are fine when what you really want to say is, "San't you see I am broken? Can't you see I am dying inside?!"

Hearts: I really feel for you finding out the day before a big holiday. My D-Day was 3 weeks before Christmas and we have two young boys. My H did all of the work though. Everything. He even bought himself a present and wrapped it so the boys wouldn't wonder why Dad had no gifts. I know that is pathetic but now it makes us laugh.

Someone wrote that they feel ashamed for staying. Please don't. You see a reason for staying, for wanting to reconcile. As time went by I saw my H as he really is - a good person who did a terrible thing. He's not the A. You must know this about your spouse too deep down inside.

As an honest person it is even harder to walk around smiling. We want to live authentic lives and we still can without most people knowing but its very very tough isn't it? I am working on this now.

My sister and my best friend know but they live in another province. I didn't tell my bf until I was two weeks in. She is normally a very judgemental person but she was wonderful and only focussed on me and how I was feeling. In time she said she was happy we were working on things. While I don't know if we will ever go out again as a foursome, at least she has not bad-mouthed him (save for that first little while after she found out!).

Some people think the WS has to tell people in order to figure out the severity of what he/she has done. I disagree. His best friend knows, he got to IC and we go to MC. The more work he does on himself, the more the fog lifts. Whenever he cries I know he has reached a new level of awareness.

Please do something kind for yourself everyday - walk, eat your fav piece of candy, read a great book, buy a latte instead of your regular coffee, look through a fun magazine, call a friend. Little things do mean a lot now.

Finally and most importantly, if you can find at least ONE friend to talk too YOU DO NEED support. Find someone you know to be fair and kind-hearted it might really help. But please, pleaes don't cave in to pressure to TELL THE WORLD. Be true to what you want. And please don't feel ashamed. Shame is debilitating. Go to the Oprah site - Dr. Brene Brown has a short 6 minute video on there about SHame vs. Guilt.

Finally, please get in to see an IC. It's such a relief to talk to someone who is just there to listen, guide and offer some professional direction.

Take care all of you.

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:42 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2435 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

This is a deeply personal choice, but you need to think about the kind of support YOU need to get through this. At minimum, you need an IC to talk to. Ideally, you would have carefully selected female friends to talk with about this. However, if there's no one you think could be supportive, then you're probably right -- not worth confiding.

Two other things to think about:

I just want normal again
-- no, it's just not possible. There's going to be a new normal, and it's going to take a while before you figure out what that is. Part of what we go through post-DD is grief. We are grieving, profoundly, for the M we had (or thought we had). And the struggle we have is to figure out what *really* was going on and what kind of new M, if any, is possible. That's a huge amount to deal with. (And why you need to support and why this site is great.)

The other thing to think about is

If we R I don't want other to think less of him
. In my case, exposure was an important part of pushing WH out of his fog. I did tell a few carefully selected friends, which WH HATED -- he hated that people "might think less of him". But it made him face up to what he'd done, and what people would think about him if he had left me for her. It took the A out of the realm of fantasy and exposed it for the sordid nasty thing it was. These friends ARE friends of the marriage, and have been very supportive of us staying together -- they would have, quite rightly, judged him harshly for leaving me. In a way, it was a tactical decision I made at the time which I genuinely do not regret. Sure, it caused him some discomfort. But hey -- consequences! GL

[This message edited by Blobette at 7:29 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 38787
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

I glad to see that I'm not the only one that is doing this. no I'm not in IC or MC yet.

Bw (me) 47
WH (him) 59
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22

Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: nj
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

Our families know and I'm still stuck pretending everything's fine. This past weekend was WH's brother's wedding. I went for the kids, since it was their first big trip away from home. After the reception, I went back to our room and collapsed. It was exhausting.

Now his parents are asking us which day is best for Easter, like nothing's wrong. I think they expect that MC will fix everything and of course I'll want to stay with their son.

We also haven't told the kids anything yet. It's my daughter's birthday soon and I don't want to make any decisions that she might forever associate with her birthday.

DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 767 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

It is so hard. I kept the first few "boundary pushing issues" aka sexting and porn a secret and we have been the happy church going couple. This big A, I lost it after he stayed in fog mode and now everyone knows. Im supported by almost everyone bc of how its gone on, so thats been nice. If he is REALLY working and you can handle it, its nice to not have the side choosing, but dont hide it from everyone. You need to talk so you dont explode. A close friend or two a counselor...or if this site is enough. Just make sure you dont feel alone and you are being loved. *hugs*

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

I confided in a very close friend on D-Day. I knew she had my back, and she never told a soul. She was trustworthy and I knew it. We'd drive over to a coffee shop and talk about the A. She purchased a couple of books for me to read.

I found SI almost four years after my D-Day, and it was such a relief as I felt I was suffering in silence.

About five years out, I confessed to a very close aunt and cousin who knew that something in me had changed. It was a relief for them to know and get some of this out in the open.

My WH also confessed the A to our sons a couple of years ago, at the time between ages 18-23. They saw the change in me, and he wanted them to understand that it was due to what he did, and he apologized to them for changing their lives.

Everyone is different, but I truly needed to confide in someone after the shock, and I don't regret telling my friend.

Posts: 7589 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 36781
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

It is so very helpful for me to read what others write here. I agree with Blobette that what we thought was normal no longer exists. We have to figure out our new normal.

I feel shame for what he did. I hate that.

I have told a few people and I deeply regret it. The fact that they now have this knowledge about my husband's betrayal has changed our friendship so now I deal with my marriage situation and my friend relationships all being different. The people that don't know think everything is great. People call us the lovebirds. Well, the people that don't know. Honestly, when I did tell some people, they were completely blown away and I had to comfort them.

I struggle with being honest with others, too. But I also believe in my right to privacy.

It seems like the people that do know, the betrayal becomes the topic. And really, it is not so much the betrayal, but the fact that I decided to stay with him and reconcile. Almost every single person who I told, except one, wanted to know when I am leaving him. I told 6 friends. His son knows. Of the 7 people, 6 want me to leave him. They question me and why I stay. They began to judge me for staying. For them it was all black and white. I asked them all what they would do and they all said betrayal was a deal breaker for them. I asked if they ever experienced it and they said no. Thinking about what you will do and then actually having to live it, well, sometimes you do things differently from what you expect.

So I come to another fork in the road, this time with friends and family. When I came to this place on DD, I chose the path less traveled, and it is full of obstacles and I don't know where it will lead me. Now I realize that I have a sense of betrayal from family and friends, too with their judgement of my staying with my husband.

Just because he broke his vows doesn't mean I have to break mine. Why are some things forgivable and some not? Who makes those decisions?

I wish I never told anyone. I have told my friends I wish I never told them. I deeply regret it. It is too much pressure to try to reconcile with my husband and be friends with people who keep judging me. And judging him.

When do people start looking in the mirror? Who is perfect out there?

Time will tell about my marriage. If we make it, it will be because we worked at it. If we don't, I will know that I have done everything I possibly could to make this marriage work. I will fine peace either way.

me: BS
him: WS

D Day: July 27, 2012
Day of first suspicion: 6/7/11
DD#2: November 2, 2012


Posts: 105 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

Both of us have told several friends. Also, H's sister and her long-term BF know (they have also dealt with infidelity in their relationship). We chose to not tell our parents or any other siblings. The friends that we have told have been chosen carefully and have been extremely supportive. For me, it was extremely important to not hide it from everyone. It weighed on me that I was lying to my friends and I needed to have some of that crushing weight lifted.

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 38387
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

I can relate to this too, I chose not to share with anyone only my IC
We emigrated to Canada 3 years ago and his ONS happened here 18 months into the relocation

I knew on D-day that telling family back home would only make it harder to R, I always thought infidelity would be a deal breaker and I was shocked at my strong feeling to work on this early on,
I knew right then and there to be weary of taking
advise from anyone who hasn't gone through this as they could have the same opinion I thought I had, kick em to the curb and don't look back.

It's hard when I see family on Skype, it takes all I have not to burst into tears, I just want a hug and to be told everything will be ok,
I had a miscarriage 2 months before D-day so mostly I think family and friends still think I'm struggling with that when they see I'm sad, they say things like " don't worry you can try again" I can't tell them we've put it on hold
Even though its hard not having the support the further into R we go the more thankful I am that I kept it to myself, the first few months are the hardest ,
I'm thankful for the distance, seeing them all face to face I think i might of broke

Me BS 35
WH 33
Married 10 years
3 amazing kids
We were soul mates
Trying to Reconcile, it's not for pussy's.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: UK , living in Canada
Member # 34915
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

I told everyone that called me on that day ( to wish me a happy Birthday ) ...Yes I went through a period where I wish if I didn't tell certain ppls but I am over it .I didn't do anything wrong .R is going great and when I am with WH in gatherings I hold my head high nothing to be embarassed about what didn't kill me only made me stronger !!

Him: 51
OW: a monster that I called friend before
D-Day:June 20,2011

You made a fool out of me and she made a fool out of you

Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)

IslandGirl - I too felt anger and utter lonliness towards my sister and cousin who were very judgemental about my decision to stay. At one point everytime I spoke to them I was more upset - it was at that point that I told them, "Look. I have made my decision. This is not up for discussion anymore I need support at this point. I am not asking you to forgive him bc I haven't even done that. And you don't even have to like him but I need your kindness at this difficult time. Just ask me how I am. But don't question me. I am an adult and I make my own decisions."

I am also Christian so I ask myself, "who am I NOT to forgive?" And while I have not spoken those words yet to my H, I know I am very capable of it. It's in my being.

And yes. Like you I always thought infidelity was a dealbreaker. I was CONVINCED I would leave. Well guess what? What you think you do and what you actually do when faced with this mess are so very different aren't they? When you are not living it, you just don't understand.

I really like your last paragraph - that you will do all you can to work on your marriage and if it works, great and if it doesn't, you gave it your all.

And please for those who have not gone for IC - please make that call. Holding this within you is a tremendous burden to your spiritually, physically and emotionally.

[This message edited by LA44 at 11:53 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2435 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 38537
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)

I have told my close girlfriends and a few of the ladies I work with. I don't think WH has told anyone about it, it's just his dirty little secret. We also haven't told our families. I avoided family get togethers for a couple of months because it was hard to keep it together and quite frankly I just didn't have the energy.

I contemplate now if I should tell our families, I think it would help snap WH out of his fog. The IC I saw asked if the only reason I wanted to tell was to get my 'pound of flesh' partly yes because through it all the only consequence WH has had is dealing with a very emotional, bitchy, angry me.

I think we all deserve Academy Awards.

Me - 40
WH - 41
Dday - Oct 7, 2012
Dday 2 - June 4, 2013
Married - 7 years
2 daughters, 9 years old and 1 month old

Posts: 145 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 37667
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)

I am going through the same thing now. I began living in a hotel over a week ago because I could no longer stand being in the same house as WW and I needed to detach. I haven't told any family and I doubt she has. I told 3 very close friends who are supportive of me whatever I choose. I also have a great IC. She says that she has only told one close friend but I know that another of her close friends knew about the A when it was happening.
I don't want to tell family or anyone else about the A because

I don't want my DD growing up and hearing other people judge her mother for her A. I realize that it will make it easier for WW to paint me as the villain in all this, but I know I'll always have the support of my closest friends. My family will not judge me (I don't think).

Easter is coming up and I'm staying home while WW takes DD to visit her family out of state. WW made up a story that I had to stay because of work. Eventually we will have to have the painful conversations with our families that we're separating but I for one won't be mentioning the A.

Me: BH 40
Her: WW 38
M: 5 yrs T: 8.5 yrs
DDay1: late August 2012
Dday2?: Feb 2013
A: EA? >2yrs?
DD: 3 years

Posts: 56 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: East Coast
Member # 38723
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)

Same boat here,
I want to make it through this...and I believe even though I have many family and friends that would do anything to help me. I still just don't want them to know.

We were at a party over the weekend, and pictures were taken. Posted on Facebook, and commented on.

"You guys look so happy together!"
"They are perfect together!"
"You are the perfect couple"

If they only knew.

[This message edited by Changed72 at 6:40 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)]

Married 15 years
1 DD13
DDay 3-2-13
Working on R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 37884
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)

I am there. The problem is I only have the strength to pretend in front of my kids right now. I have turned into a hermit because I just can't hide the sadness anymore. I know that this will pass. It does make me mad sometimes. It would be nice if the subject were not so taboo. I always wonder about the family couples around me if they have survived this and how. It would be nice to have a family elder who you can talk to like other issues you get advice on.

Me: BS 45
Him: WH 45
DDay #1: 12/17/12; OW 47 married 23
DDay #2 2/1/13 EA 6 years ago for 2 weeks with a married college friend through FB
Married 18 years, together 21 years
3 kids; 7,13,16
R trying IC and MC

Posts: 246 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)

It was something I hoped too, that when I heard WH was finally telling his family of his A, he would show remorse and maybe the A would end.

Instead, he continues to live with OW and those very few inlaws I am still in contact with say that he is extremely pompous and very different acting. No remorse.

Is this the fog, or stage of mid life crisis? I tend to think both, but know each subject has critics.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
New Member
Member # 37717
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)

I feel like I am reading posts I have written. I have told one friend who does not know my WS very well, and my doctor. I have become a good actresss, but it is exausting. I believe we can R but if not I will tell everyone. I was embarrassed but no more, I know this was his doing.

Me bs 58
Him ws 57
Married 36 years
Children 2, grandchildren 3
Dday 1 2012-11-03, Dday2 2012-12-08
Dday 3 2013-06-20 separating

Posts: 17 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Ontario
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)

The 2 most important people I spoke to was my therapist and this forum. They knew what I was going through and could help.

For everyone else who found out, I now feel embarished to talk to them. I know I shouldn't but that is the way it is.

I also discovered I didn't want my friendships based on an affair. The affair rob so much of my life. I didn't want this also.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Mar 2007
New Member
Member # 38671
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)

I haven't told many people and none of our family know what's going on. I haven't told my family because I have seen how they treated my sister in law when she cheated on my brother and even though they are trying to reconcile, my mother and 2 of my sisters still treat her like garbage. I don't want my husband to be treated like that if we make it through.

I have told my boss only because I was such an emotional wreck when I went to work on Dday and a week later told my closest girls at work who is going through something similar. I wasn't planning on telling the girl but she called me on vacation, when she was supposed to be in Mexico but came home early because her H abused her twice at the hotel. It happened the same day as my H slept with the OW for the last time (day before Dday) so when she told me I just shouted "what the hell is up with that Tuesday" and spilled my guts.

Of course I have also told my therapist about what is going on too. I hate pretending but my mask must be pretty good because no one seems to know about the pain I am in.

BS - 44
WH - 46
Married 13 years together 16 years
D-Day 23/01/13
Working on it...

Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)

Right after D day (Jan 12, 2013) I quickly realized I had no support system in place. I turned to a coworker who had gone through a D a few years back and I felt I needed his perspective. I did not know it at the time, he was also a BS. His xWW had multiple A. He stayed another 2 years and says the M did not end due to the A's, but she had other problems. He has turned out to be an excellent friend of mine and our M. So I wish for everyone here to have a friend like that.

He is the only one who knows and I told fWW had it was hard as several of you here know, but my brother who lives across the street and whom I am very close to does not know. She did say that if I felt I needed to talk to him, I should. Honestly just her offering me the chance to was enough of a jesture that I doubt I will.

Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 675 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Member # 38787
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)

Again I can't thank this site and the people on it. At least I don't feel alone. That everyone have the same feelings. So I don't feel like I losing my mind.

Bw (me) 47
WH (him) 59
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22

Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: nj
Topic Posts: 27