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User Topic: Follow up - Contacting other BS
McIlroy
New Member
Member # 38648
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)

In a previous post I talked about telling the OM’s wife a few days ago. Well I’m DEFINITELY glad I did it and I would recommend that if anyone is on the fence about contacting the other BS, just do it.

That being said, me contacting the other BS has created quite a bit of tension and driven yet another wedge between myself and my WW. Because she is having the A with her boss, all four of us know each other but I have spoken very little to the other BS over the years up until now. Now that my WW knows I contacted the other BS, I feel like it’s now an “us against them” situation. Me and the other BS met for a few hours the other night and then exchanged a few follow-up emails yesterday. I told my WW all of this because, quite frankly, I have nothing to hide and am paranoid about being accused of having my OWN EA.

I’m reading “Not Just Friends” and am very aware of the concept of “windows” and “walls” However, I guess if I’m being completely honest with myself it did feel good to have someone to talk to that can sympathize over the EXACT situation I’m in, and for me to be that person for her. I have missed having someone in my life over the last few months that understands exactly what I’m going through and I feel that the other BS and I now have this connection, as unfortunate as it might be.

My thoughts are all over the place, so let me just list out what I’m trying to get at:

1.) How much is too much to share with the other BS? We have told each quite a few intimate details of our marriage already while discussing the details of the A. For example when we met in person I told her that we haven't had sex for x amount of weeks. My WW was not happy with me for sharing such intimate details (the hypocrisy, I know).

2.) Should I continue to be an open book with my WW over my contact with the other BS? Telling her of every single email and text?

3.) How do we get past the “us vs. them” mentality? I can’t help but feel like my ally in all of this is now the other BS and the OM and my WW are the “bad guys”. My WW has told me “so what now if I come home from work and had a bad day you’re going to email her saying something’s wrong?”


Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2013
jackson
Member
Member # 18819
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)

I think you should share what ever you are comfortable with. There is no telling what your WW has shared with the OM about you and your life including your sexual life. For your WW to get upset about this is hyprocritical.

Posts: 790 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Midwest
Beautifulmind
New Member
Member # 38361
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)

My story is almost Identical to yours. WW had A with her boss. Gaslighted, TT to believe only EA. Couldn't "expose" to other BS at that point because WW said I'd ruin two families (yea "I" would have done that). However, I bought it.
Kept digging and found more proof... more TT (only kissing had occurred). Again, no contacting other BS because it was in the past and they had ended it since.
Kept digging, found it went underground..... and after a full month had past finally contacted other BS. Best thing I ever did.
Note: I was living and working 500 miles from home at the time of all this so it was easy for them to do so. Plus, I believed both of them that it had ended after I threatened to call the company... stupid me.
Anyway, other BS and I shared a lot of communication the first week over the phone and through text. Including, intimate details of our M's. We did so as a way of trying to see the level that the A had gotten.
We also gave each other a great deal of support that first week. Like you, I found it awesome to be able to share our feelings with somebody who actually knew what I was going through. I really enjoyed our conversations together. Support from the pain and just the general talks we had about the daily stuff of life. In fact, I once mentioned to my WW one time when she called, that "I was disappointing it wasn't other BS". My WW flipped out! The meaning behind that comment was that it felt better to commiserate with somebody rather than deal with pain. It was a "release" for me.

After, the first week or so, our communication dropped off significantly. Why?
A. We had set boundaries. We spoke of 2 people of the opposite sex going through great trauma together and how quickly that can get out of hand. Thanks "Not Just Friends"! We spoke in depth about A's and discussed what we were both reading and learning.
B. We agreed that us becoming "friends" would never work out as we would both represent something difficult we are trying to overcome.
C. Lastly, we decided that our efforts would be better spent fixing out M's than talking together.
We agreed to keep the contact "open" only as far as if either of us discovered something new. As both my WW and her WH were still working together, we had to communicate (through text) how to arrange special job situations that the two of them would face where they would need to work closely. We set boundaries for the two of them that we both agreed upon that would make us comfortable.
As the first couple weeks past, our communication was rare. Again, just working trough some job issues. Nothing personal! No how are you, etc.

I guess what I'm trying to say is make sure you are both addressing what you are learning in "Not Just Friends". It's to easy to fall into something like that.

In answering your other questions:

1.) How much is too much to share with the other BS? We have told each quite a few intimate details of our marriage already while discussing the details of the A. For example when we met in person I told her that we haven't had sex for x amount of weeks. My WW was not happy with me for sharing such intimate details (the hypocrisy, I know).

Initially, we shared intimate details of our M's. Why? As a way to see how far the two of them felt about each other and us. After that, we spoke of very little personal details. My advice to you would be this. Would you want you WW to be saying the things you are saying to other BS? If so, IMO that is crossing a line as it serves no purpose. I wouldn't ask and neither did she. Our support was "Hope your having a good day or "Good luck today". Never, "How are things with WH?". To much detail IMO.

2.) Should I continue to be an open book with my WW over my contact with the other BS? Telling her of every single email and text?

Again, IMO... Ask yourself what you would think if your WW did that to you. Honesty and transparency is not a one way street designed only for the wayward. Those are fundamental requirements of a marriage.
On the other hand, If you two are still trying to gather intel and facts about their A, then NO, you do not and should not tell your WW. She could use that to team up with OM and get their stories straight, etc. Just depends on where you are at with all the "Truth" stuff.

3.) How do we get past the “us vs. them” mentality? I can’t help but feel like my ally in all of this is now the other BS and the OM and my WW are the “bad guys”. My WW has told me “so what now if I come home from work and had a bad day you’re going to email her saying something’s wrong?”

"Us vs. Them" is very true and very real. Again, what stage of fact finding are you in? If you and the other BS are still trying to dig for info, then yes, it is "You vs. Them". If you are past all that and have what you need, then their isn't and shouldn't be a "YOU" (you and other BS). If you have all the details you need and so does other BS.... the "YOU" should be between you and WW.
Again... just my opinion.

The support and feeling of "somebody understands" is great, I know. But with the other BS, it has to end. Too many painful things the two of you will be to each other in your R of your M's.
Good luck!


Me - MH (41) Her - MH (41)
DS's - 11,8,5
Her DD 10-4-14, Mine 8-28-12

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Midwest
Beautifulmind
New Member
Member # 38361
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)

Sent you a PM


Me - MH (41) Her - MH (41)
DS's - 11,8,5
Her DD 10-4-14, Mine 8-28-12

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Midwest
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)

slight t/j


A newly betrayed spouse doesn't have to be transparent with their WS. Why would you be? This person just proved they can't be trusted and that your well being isn't a priority.

It is fine to not tell your WS every thing. Like SI..this is your safe place...there is no need to bring your WS to SI..not right away anyway. You need a place to vent and get advice.

Also..it takes time,usually,for a WS to find true remorse. Many times they are still in the fog after dday,or still in the affair and take it underground. For a BS to make themselves more vulnerable to a WS in the beginning can be soul suicide.

Also,for the first few months,a BS is usually in investigative mode. I know I was...I still am..Ive had 2 new ddays a few months ago. So there are accounts and such that a BS will go to to try and dig into their WS's bullshit..I have an email account that WH doesn't have access to...I have certain emails from his cheating in there..and all the accounts I have had to sign up for..phone number search sites...spokeo...etc..all go to that account. He knows of the account,he understands why I have it.
So..no. I newly Betrayed spouse does not...and should not...be fully transparent. You must protect yourself.

Being an open book to a person who has lied and cheated...and is still foggy...and your WW is,Mcllroy...can be dangerous. She will take what you know and use it to her advantage.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7741 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)

A newly betrayed spouse doesn't have to be transparent with their WS. Why would you be? This person just proved they can't be trusted and that your well being isn't a priority.

It is fine to not tell your WS every thing

^^^This in a nutshell.

After I forced OW to tell her BH herself, I contacted him and relayed almost everything I knew. He also had a bit of information for me as well.

My WH knew I was doing this, not too happy, well boohoo. Never regretted it one bit.

Is your wife quitting her job?


Posts: 7599 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)

Just wanted to add my two cents real quick- in our sitch the OW's BH (and OW) were "friends" so it was only natural that he and I talked some after D-day however it wasn't long after that I realized OW BH was using me as a crutch and it was actually preventing BOTH of our healing.

As for your WW and the "us against them" attitude, she needs to drop that shit real quick. If she's being honest and transparent with you there is nothing the OM's BW can tell you- if your WW is still hiding things, then she's clearly not remorseful.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2034 | Registered: Sep 2011
IslandGirl18
Member
Member # 36781
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)

I am still on the fence about contacting OW husband. It's been 8 months since my 1st DDay, 4 since my 2nd. There have been a few red flags and I just don't now. I don't know if it's me not trusting anything or is it really that they went underground. He is a completely different person now. I don't know what my contacting the other person would serve. I feel like my concern is my marriage. I have finally gotten to the place where it's all or nothing. If I do find out one thing, I will divorce him. I know without a doubt in my mind that I cannot do this any more.


me: BS
him: WS

D Day: July 27, 2012
Day of first suspicion: 6/7/11
DD#2: November 2, 2012

Divorced


Posts: 105 | Registered: Sep 2012
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)

1.) How much is too much to share with the other BS? We have told each quite a few intimate details of our marriage already while discussing the details of the A. For example when we met in person I told her that we haven't had sex for x amount of weeks. My WW was not happy with me for sharing such intimate details (the hypocrisy, I know).

@McIlroy. Please do not discuss your conversations of OBS with WW. It provides the arsenal to 'them'. 'They' get to prepare their versions of defence.
You should tell everything to OBS that gets you more information for R or war.
E.g.
I came to know from OBS that FWW had taken the initiative for A and OM, the flirt he has been, took the opportunity. I found out that OM had told OBS that it was his birthright to screw anyone he feels fit. OM was immature and has a convincing personality. Most important (for me) was that he was showing FWW something he wasn't in his own marriage. That his excuse for A was OBS was pregnant and couldn't satisfy his needs. That FWW was treated badly in marriage (bull).
OBS asked OM what if I come to know after coming back from overseas and confront OM? What explanation would OM give to me?
OM replied to OBS that he would tell me to control my wife first, then talk.

2.) Should I continue to be an open book with my WW over my contact with the other BS? Telling her of every single email and text?

Hell NO! In my case OM threatened OBS to dire consequences of contacting me. I just equipped her with the biased laws of the land for women in my country. I did the right thing because my FWW was misusing them against me as a threat, while OBS had been genuinely tortured mentally and physically.
I told OM on confrontation day that there was a DV in store for him, and he and inlaws behaved well in front of OBS. OBS's MIL became the sweetest of persons.

3.) How do we get past the “us vs. them” mentality? I can’t help but feel like my ally in all of this is now the other BS and the OM and my WW are the “bad guys”. My WW has told me “so what now if I come home from work and had a bad day you’re going to email her saying something’s wrong?”

' us v/s them' is as true as it sounds.
You'll get past as soon as you start a genuine R. Then it'll be only FWW and you. But in a genuine R which means total NC with OM. Till that time it is what you said.

When my FWW gave me a false DV threat, my lawyer asked me to get out of the house. I was already in a 180 but lawyer said get your stuff out as well else it is not ' legally' a 180.
I was informed by PI that the door locks had been changed.
I went to my house at that time in the morning, when the domestic help usually comes. I rang the door bell and FWW woke up thinking it was the domestic help and unlocked the door and didn't see who was at the door. I flung it open to get in. I was accompanied by 2 respectable people of the neighbourhood (laywer's advise which proved helpful later)
I was also accompanied by my father, my best friend and a rental truck dude to help me take my stuff.

FWW was taken by surprise. She said she wanted to talk to me in private. (she didn't know I was in touch with OBS all the time even in 180).
I said time for talking was over , it was time for action. But people from neighbourhood insisted that I listen to her for once. I replied I'll talk after taking my stuff out.
After everything was out, FWW and me started talking alone.

She: all PI evidences are bull. It's not what you think it is.

Me: those evidences are for me, and you have full right to deny them.

She: You think hanging around with a person is evidence? It's common nowadays.

Me: I have evidences that you spend 7-8 hours at OMs love nest under the pretext of working from home.

She: everyone in our team goes to his house to work every now and then. He is the manager after all.

Me: then what is the office facility for?

She: when you were not around, your father made sexual advances towards me.

THAT WAS IT. I COULDN'T HEAR ANYMORE. I know my father too well for this crap.

Me: I have evidences from OBS and I know your office is taking action against you guys. Is that false as well. (I prepared to leave). I gave you a chance to come clean and offered an R, but you chuckled and said I was delusional and went ahead to call your brother in front of me that I was accusing you of A.
Now that I have all kinds of evidences you want to TALK? You have denied evidences and put false allegations on my father? In that case I don't want to talk.
I told her that she was sleeping with OM to get good increments and promotions and I don't want to a part of that money. I told her people who sell their bodies for money are called 'prostitutes'.

And I got out.

While this ordeal was going on, an old lady was enquiring of my father what was going on and who am I?
My father told the old lady that I was FWWs husband. She was shocked and to my father that she heard my DS of 3 years referring to OM as 'Daddy' :'( while playing in the nearby garden when FWW was with OM.

It broke me to bits.

My lawyer sent notices to 2 police stations that there might be a false DV coming and we were called and showed evidences.
We registered a trespassing complaint against OM. When FWW came to know about the complaint she went to the police station first to file a DV. But was not filed because of the legal notice. My FWW is a daughter of an ex cop and started teaching the cops about laws for women. She was asked to get a lawyer. She searched the net through her phone and contacted a lawyer.
Later her I found out her lawyer told that even if DV was filed, the magistrate would throw the case in the bin as it was filed as a defence for my complaint against OM. FWW said that her laywer become lawyer for OM.

Later on NC was signed in the police station and OM was treated badly by cops and my friends. I have written the whole saga elsewhere in my recent posts.

A few days Later as a revenge, my FWW filed a complaint of theft, rowdism, and molestation against my father, my friends who had come to help me with my stuff, and me.


The police called me, as their duty, and I gave a ring to the respected neighbours who were there as witnesses while I collected my stuff.
The police talked to them separately, and both of them gave the same account as it had actually transpired.
One of the neighbours said, my father, friends and me were treated to coffee and biscuits while we waited for an equivalent of a U haul truck came along.
At this, I asked the police, 'who treats molesters with coffee and biscuits after a molestation bid is over'.
ETA: about the alleged theft, she alleged that I had stolen her passport. My God.
When I was overseas, I had planned on a nice vacation for 3 weeks out of country as a reunion. FWW and DS passports were given by FWW herself to the travel agent who affixed travel VISAS after paying about 4500$ for the travel, airfare hotel et al.
The police called the travel agent who confirmed that the passports were with him at his office since 09/2012.
At this my lawyer jumped in and said : in the complaint, it is written that passports stolen on 11/23/2012 but as per travel agent, passports were given for visa affixtion sometime on 09/2012 and never collected after that. This means the complaint is false.
My FWW was so hellbent on getting me arrested that she had the audacity to ask: who gave my passport to travel agent then? It was given w/o my permission.
At this My lawyer said if My client was overseas then My client could not have given it from overseas. It was either FWW or someone else, but certainly not the people in the complaint.
End of ETA.

The police asked my FWW and FIL to leave in a very unpleasant manner.


The reason for writing all this is to show you how OM and FWW can plan things which you never thought was possible. Sorry for the long post.

[This message edited by Happydays at 2:50 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)]


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)

I am still on the fence about contacting OW husband. It's been 8 months since my 1st DDay, 4 since my 2nd. There have been a few red flags and I just don't now. I don't know if it's me not trusting anything or is it really that they went underground. He is a completely different person now. I don't know what my contacting the other person would serve. I feel like my concern is my marriage. I have finally gotten to the place where it's all or nothing. If I do find out one thing, I will divorce him. I know without a doubt in my mind that I cannot do this any more.

I am not sure if you are in a successful R from your post, but, you should inform OBS as, he has right to know and possibilities of contracting STD is high if A has hit underground.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
jimbo25319
Member
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)

Dude your lawyer is the sh#t. Top notch.

Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)

^^^^^ I agree. My lawyer was my best friend's sibling. This way i was sure there would be no foul play.
I feel I'm hijacking @McIlroy's thread so I won't go in all the details of selecting the right lawyer etc.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 12