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Wayward Side
User Topic: How should I tell him?
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, April 1st (Monday)

I'm so sorry to bombard this site with posts, I just don't know what else to do.

My husband and I have been invited to a party and he really wants to go. The thing is, I know one of the ONSs will be there. The OM doesn't know me, I doubt he even knows my name and I can't imagine he'd try and talk to me but still, I don't know what to do.

I don't feel like I can just tell my husband, I don't like bringing anything up and he'll definitely go and actively seek the OM.

It's just one thing after another. I need to get it right because he might start feeling like I'm not worth the hassle.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, April 1st (Monday)

Sienna...

Do not blindside your husband.

Sit down with him and tell him honestly about the situation.

You both can either decide to still go and have a game plan in place in case the OM or your H run into eachother or you both can not go.

Either way, you need to face this as a team together.

ETA: Pay no attention to my username...my husband apparently has a wicked sense of humor

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 7:06 AM, April 1st (Monday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197733 | Registered: May 2002
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, April 1st (Monday)

I know I have to tell him I really do but, he will be upset as soon as I mention it then he'll be angry and he'll look for him.

I can't even think how to phrase it. My husband will just listen and probably won't say anything then he'll explode tonight.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, April 1st (Monday)

I think your BH would be much more upset if you didn't tell him about the OM being there. Especially if you knew he would be there but the only reason you won't tell your BH is because you don't want him to get angry...

Sounds like your BH isn't your #1 concern.

Trust me, once he realized you knew of the situation ahead of time yet chose not to say anything, THAT is what will make him angry.

Trust him. Talk to him.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2012
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, April 1st (Monday)

I feel like every word that comes out of my mouth hurts him.

I'm going to tell him, I'm 100% convinced I should tell him to avoid surprises. I don't want to keep anything from him.

I don't know how to phrase it, even on here I don't know how. How do I refer to the guy? I don't even know his name. 'One of my one night stands' sounds so bad. I can't describe how ashamed I am.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MoreWould
Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, April 1st (Monday)

Sienna,

Telling him will hurt him, but not telling him could potentially be so much worse.

Imagine what would happen if your AP hit on you again, or said something about your ONS to your H.

When I was in the middle of being a BH something similar enough happened to me. Fortunaltely for my M, my FWW's A and AP was already known to me. If I had been caught by surprise, I don't know what would have happened but it wouldn't have been pretty.

It's not the telling that hurts, it's the A. Now, you're just dealing with the consequences. Time to "Girl Up".


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, April 1st (Monday)

BH here and yes, absolutely you should tell him.

''One of my one night stands'' sounds so bad.
Then let it sound bad. Your actions in putting him first this way will help him. You''re ashamed and embarrassed and hate that you even have to tell him this. Let him know all of that.

Either way, you need to face this as a team together.

^^^^^This x 1000


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3791 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 1st (Monday)

I told him.. He said "are you sure you'll be able to keep your knickers on? How excited are you out of 10? I can't wait to meet him, we can compare notes. He can tell me how dirty you are.." ...he led onto much worse but I couldn't bring myself to type it, so disgusting.

I didn't say anything, he then acted normal and started talking about babysitting arrangements. Then he said he's sorry and didn't mean what he said, told me he loves me etc.

I know it's not his fault , he's just hurting badly and he has every right.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, April 1st (Monday)

You should not go to this party. You would be breaking NC. Why on earth would you go to a party where an OM is?


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1973 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, April 1st (Monday)

I agree with Panda, why bother going?


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2021 | Registered: Sep 2011
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, April 1st (Monday)

It's a work type of thing, it's my husband who really wants/needs to go. I would totally rather not.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 1st (Monday)

He said "are you sure you'll be able to keep your knickers on? ...he led onto much worse but I couldn't bring myself to type it, so disgusting.

Yea, from about month 4 to 6 I said some pretty horrible things to my FWW. Not a period I am proud of looking back. I wanted her to hurt as badly as I did. To prove that she really wanted to stay with me like I wanted to stay for her. I can now explain all sorts of ways that was neither healthy or helpful, but back then that is what it was. I am not saying this is true in your case, but in the early days after dday when I thinking D I was much less angry (and mean) than later when I was thinking we might R. Still, it was my issue and something I had to work through. We did get some "fighting rules and boundaries" from our MC that we both agreed to that helped. There do have to be limits and understanding in fighting. At a couple of points FWW regressed in response to things I said and did in my rage. Still, some of the best healing moments were when I would vent off and she would listen, and then tell me she was sorry for having hurt me so badly and betrayed me. She did not do this often in the first year, but the couple of times were very important.

It's a work type of thing, it's my husband who really wants/needs to go. I would totally rather not.

I think you and your BS need to really consider the benefits of you both going and presenting a united front, versus the mutual stress and tension so soon after dday.

OM doesn't know me, I doubt he even knows my name and I can't imagine he'd try and talk to me but still, I don't know what to do.

If I understand correctly, you would regognize, but do not know the name of your ONS partner? You have no idea how he may respond if he recognizes you.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 1st (Monday)

I've told him I don't want to go and that I don't think he should but he really feels as though he needs to be there. We won't stay long.

Yes I would recognise my ONS but I don't know his name, I can't remember it. I'm just praying he won't even look at me and that I won't see him. God i hope he wouldn't speak to me.

I don't really mind what my husband says or does at this point as long as it makes him feel better.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Your BH can go if he needs to. I would think he would respect you for NOT going.
Are you sure you don't want to go, just out of curiosity about OM? Or to see your BH's reaction?

Going is only going to set you back and your R. You can't wish away the elephant in the room.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1973 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, April 1st (Monday)

I definitely don't want to go. I'm not curious about anything- i know what my husband's reaction will be if he sees him and I don't want to put him through it.

When I suggested he go alone he looked upset and worried. To be honest we're joined at the hip recently.

Maybe he'll be OK. I suggested just staying home and he winked at me and said it'll be fine, told me not to worry. I am worried, about him.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, April 1st (Monday)

So trust him. It your actions that have been the problem not his. I don't see from your descriptions he's been out of control or unpredictable.

I have read your posts. These ONS's...were you lashing out and wanting to hurt him as a form of punishment?

You posted that you are very passive and wimpy. That can really create an accumulation of anger that left unexpressed or expressed in a healthy way can turn to rage.

Rage can be far harder to control than anger and be much more volatile and explosive with little consideration of collateral damage even if that includes yourself.

Three ONS's in a short time frame with no prior tendencies are pretty dramatic, self destructive, aggressive choices and actions.

You state earlier this morning you didn't feel you could tell then popped back on saying you told. I can't help but wonder if you're not actually getting some "enjoyment" (for lack of a better word right now) with flash banging him with these "little" details.

If I were him I'd be donning a flack jacket. He seems pretty in control considering the enormity of the recent reveals from you.

Not a very comfortable dynamic to read at all. Almost as if you're both building toward something. Really be alert and internally searching for a nexus of these choices and actions. What patterns are you starting to see? It may not resemble the current style at all but be very much a part of it.

I'm finding just this same thing for myself. Seeing how ways of working through things that actually proved quite successful prior were really anything but.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Uncertainone,

I really hope we're not building towards anything.

I did want to tell him about tonight but I wasn't sure how. I also believe I'm easily led sometimes. In general i'm pretty sure that anyone elses opinion will be better than mine and i'll have judged it wrong. Just say 'jump' and i'll ask 'how high'.

I really don't want to punish him now, maybe I did before I don't know and I know I was extreme and it's not like me at all, since I've been with him.

His friends all warned him what a fuck up I am anyway. Even at school I was always thought of as being bad or a bad influence.

My husband knows this and knows i'm sensitive to being called certain names so that night that it all kicked off maybe I did think I'll show him but I can't remember thinking it at the time and that's the truth.

Every time my friend suggests a reason I'm like 'yeah maybe that's it'. I don't know who I am or what I'm doing. I think once I know that everything else will be OK. My husband really is amazing and he's looking beautiful and ready to go!


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, April 1st (Monday)

he winked at me and said it'll be fine

I'm a bit concerned about your WH being in close proximity to the OM so soon after Dday. It really sounds like a situation that could go bad...fast.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8002 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Hey Sienna,

I agree with Gonna.. I don't think your BH should get near the OM especially this soon after d-day plus being at a party when there will be drinking involved.

Also... Of course the OM will recognize you. I've had ONSs (before my BH) and ran into them at other parties and they will always talk to you again. Even if he doesn't "know" you, likely a little bit of liquid courage will have him talking to you again.. Maybe he will even hope that he would score again. Do you blame him? Nope. Did he know you were married? As far as he is concerned, that was a great night.

I'm glad you told your BH. I don't think either of you should go to the party. This will be one of the consequences of your affairs. Consider yourself lucky that this is a minor consequence.

I went to a party 1 week after d-day. It turned out badly. There was no OM there but my BH was not himself and neither was I. There wasn't any scene but our friends could tell something was weird about us.

Not sure about your BH but mine... if he came across one of my OM, there would be blood. My BH would knock him out without even a 2nd though.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 845 | Registered: Jul 2012
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, April 1st (Monday)

That was OK. It was a little weird at first but my BH was so busy and occupied that it was OK. I was glued to our mutual friends.

I did see the guy first but it was when my husband was taking the mic to talk about his work so I was jumping around like a cheerleader and my husband referenced me.

When I went outside the guy was out there with his mates, he said 'so that's your husband', i said 'yes' then before I could speak again my BHs best mate told him to get lost. The guy said 'sorry I didn't know' and left.

I thought he would have looked for the guy so he could knock him out but he was really occupied and I was close by cheering him on. I think he made his best mate stay with me all night but I really don't mind.

On the way home I told my husband and he just nodded. He seems OK, I can hear him talking on the phone to his mate about how well tonight went.

I know I'm so lucky to have him.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, April 1st (Monday)

When I went outside the guy was out there with his mates, he said 'so that's your husband', i said 'yes' then before I could speak again my BHs best mate told him to get lost.

Well I hope your next words after saying yes to his question were going to be..Please Leave.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2492 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 1st (Monday)

When I went outside the guy was out there with his mates, he said 'so that's your husband', i said 'yes'

Why were you outside alone when you knew the OM was there and why did you talk to him? (Even if it was "only" to say "yes") You broke NC.

I was close by cheering him on.

Not the whole time you weren't because you went outside and broke NC.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Yes, my next words were going to be to never talk to me again of course. I couldn't not answer. That guy didn't have a clue what was going on. It didn't matter that it was 'him' I don't care about him whatsoever and never have.

I went outside to smoke with my husband's best mate and my friend. I didn't know I'd see him out there. I have zero desire to see him again. My H was engrossed talking to clients so I said I was going for a smoke, I wasn't going out alone.

I know it was playing with fire a little tonight but, it's not going to happen often and I'm not going to lie, I'm pleased with how it's turned out this evening.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 7:11 PM, April 1st (Monday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, April 1st (Monday)

If you and your husband are happy with the turn out, that's swell.

However, 2 quotes of your concern me and I think you should look into them more.

I couldn't not answer.

Why not? If he means nothing to you and you don't care, then why answer him?
I know it was playing with fire a little tonight but, it's not going to happen often

Even if it doesn't happen "often", it only takes once to get burnt by fire.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, April 1st (Monday)

I know what you mean Aubrie, but I didn't feel it would be acceptable, socially, to literally say nothing. I thought that would probably cause a scene, my husband's mate would probably wonder why I was ignoring him instead of affirming my husband. I hope that makes sense.

Yes, that's true I couldn't see an alternative though. My H wanted to go and he wanted me to be there. It probably didn't help that it was a successful evening for him.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, April 1st (Monday)

I know what you mean Aubrie, but I didn't feel it would be acceptable, socially, to literally say nothing

It was not socially acceptable to cheat on your husband with this guy. You should have simply ignored him..literally, whether he knew what was happening or not.

His question of "so that is your husband?" is a metaphor for.."and you slept with me?"

Should have been ignored..but that's just my opinion.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2492 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, April 1st (Monday)

FRM proves my point Sienna.

If the OM means nothing to you, why does it matter if it's acceptable not to answer him? (socially or otherwise)

Why are you concerned about social stigma in the wake of an affair?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, April 1st (Monday)

I know it wasn't socially acceptable to cheat on my husband.

OK You 're both right, I shouldn't have spoken.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, April 1st (Monday)

I have to tell you, Sienna, I find this whole thing quite disturbing.

You are concerned about social niceties, yet you fucked a guy in your BH's work circle and don't know his name?

You went to the party to support your BH? Really? It sounds like a show, to me. Cheering. Running into OM. Putting up a nice front for his friend.

Aren't you ashamed of your behavior? If so, was this youe way of trying to face it?

Can you imagine what this OM said after you walked away? 99 times out of 100 I bet he turns to his buddy and says "Yeah, I tapped that."

Was this just too tempting as potential drama between BH and OM?

Do you have any idea how hard it must be for your BH to be at the party with a OM? Even if he is rugsweeping. Think about it. Reverse roles. Your BH has a ONS and then goes to a party where OW is. Would you feel good knowing he talked to her again?

I don't think this is anything to feel pleased about. Sorry, I just don't see remorse here. Just tunnel vision.

Have you told your BH you broke NC?


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1973 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Sienna, we don't want to be right. But think about it. You said:
I know it was playing with fire a little tonight but, it's not going to happen often

Ok, so this "work thing" is going to happen again. While not often, there is a possibility its going to happen again. What happens when you go outside and smoke and you see OM again?

What happens if you're in the store and OM walks past you?

What happens if someone is with you when this happens? Are you going to be worried about being "rude"? Is your fear of them looking at you strangely going to push you to talk to him again? What happens if you are alone and you see OM? Are you going to talk to him? Because ya know, if you're alone, nobody will know if you do or not.

Are you scared of what people think of you?

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 8:12 PM, April 1st (Monday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Yes my husband knows exactly what happened. It was at the gallery so he was showcasing his new exhibition, I felt very proud of him and I want people to put their hands in their pockets and buy/exhibit his hard work.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm trying to get it right and obviously fucking up at every turn. I don't know what i'm doing.

Before this I would have said I'd speak to say to get lost. Now I'm not going to because I must be wrong. I won't speak to him again if I see him.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 8:17 PM, April 1st (Monday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, April 1st (Monday)

NC is very important after having an affair or ONS on your spouse. Like Aubrie said..we are not trying to be right...just trying to show how important NC is for this to recover.
Mrs Panda gave you some hard truths to think about.
I agree that guy probably told his friend he "sealed the deal" with you.
And since your husband's best mate had to tell him to get lost..he probably thinks he can seal that deal again.
No contact and boundaries are very important.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2492 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, April 1st (Monday)

I know you're not trying to be right but you must be.

I don't know what I'm doing. All my decisions and opinions are wrong, they just are.

I'm not scared of what people think, I know what they think and I've proven them right.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Sienna - you're doing fine. You are evaluating and learning. I was like you initially. I had my polite responses all thought out in case I ran into the OM. And then I realized... there are lots of people I'm rude to. Lots of people that I have no problem ignoring because I don't like them. Lots of people I am not friends nor friendly with. Why do I need to be polite to the OM?

The correct behavior in your circumstance outside while smoking is the Emily Post "cut direct" or regency cuts, posted below for reference.


Cut - To renounce acquaintance. There are four sorts of cut.

(1) The cut direct is to stare an acquaintance in the face and pretend not to know him.

(2) The cut indirect, to look another way, and pretend not to see him.

(3) The cut sublime, to admire the top of some tall edifice or the clouds of heaven till the person cut has passed by.

(4) The cut infernal, to stoop and adjust your boots till the party has gone past.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6094 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I'm not doing fine at all, I wish I was.

I won't speak again I'll ignore, I just can't see how that's the best thing to do. If it was the other way round I think I would want my H to say something.

I don't particularly want everyone talking about me and my husband. I thought by just being like 'it was a mistake, it won't happen again. Do one' was more the route to go. I have zero attachment to the guy and he didn't know I was married. It's got nothing to do with him.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'll be wrong and I want to sort this so I will just ignore if it happens again.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

If it was the other way round I think I would want my H to say something.

You really would want your husband to be cordial with the woman he cheated on you with? To respond to her every time she was in contact?

If he did..things could progress from just hello to hello Hilton Hotel. The line has already been crossed.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2492 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I think I'd want him to say, that's my wife, what we did was wrong, bye forever.

Also, it would never progress to anything. He could have been anyone that night. I was interested in one thing, I don't know why but I was. I know the line has been crossed but It happened once and it won't again.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I know the line has been crossed but It happened once and it won't again.

How do you know? Do you know what it was inside of you that allowed you to sleep with the guy to begin with? Have you fixed that?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I know because I want to be with my family and I don't want anyone else. I have never felt so sorry for anything before in my life I hate what I've done.

I don't know how to fix it, I don't know what I'm doing. I think I was just so sick of all these assumptions about me and it just made me crazy. Now I've proven them all right. I remember thinking 'right well if the cap fits i'll wear it' it's so stupid. I don't know though. My husband thinks we should go to counselling.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I think I was just so sick of all these assumptions about me and it just made me crazy. Now I've proven them all right

Assumptions from who? Us? Or other people?

My husband thinks we should go to counselling

Actually, I think you would benefit from counseling. Save the marriage counseling for later. You need to get a grip. I don't think you really realize the full impact of your actions and just how serious this is.

You didn't trip and fall on this guy's male anatomy. You deliberately made the choice to sleep with him. You say over and over, "I don't know why I did it". Sweetie, you need to take a good hard look in the mirror and figure out why. Why did you "snap" and have a ONS?

It's never a "mistake" or an "oopsie". Ever. Those things inside you, the poor boundaries, the poor coping, the bad choices, those are still inside of you. Right now they are repressed and shaking in their shoes because you actually "acted out" and cheated. But I promise you, in time, they will come back out of hiding. Life will resume, you'll go about your business, and you may very well do this again.

"Oh, I would neverrrrr do that again." Ok, maybe you don't have a ONS again. But what about your faulty thinking? What about the processes that let you make this choice to begin with? What are you going to do about those?

Sienna, I was one of those girls who had an EA then swore it would neverrrr happen again. Well, it did. Three more times. Each time getting progressively worse. Last time, I was starting the phases of hotels, logistics, and excuses so that I could physically consummate things with the OM.

I was white knuckling my way thru fidelity. And guess what, it wasn't working. Until I got serious, looked in the mirror and admitted, "Hi I'm Aubrie, and I'm a wayward. There is something wrong with me. And I need to fix it." history would surely repeat itself over, and over, and over.

I have one question. Are you happy with who you are? Are you happy with the you that decided a ONS was cool?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

No, not assumptions from people on here. I've asked for your opinions and views, just because I don't agree I don't feel angry, I'm grateful.

It's me, I don't know what it is though but no I'm not happy. I'm not happy with how random people assume things. Some guys from a studio we work with did a poll last summer, the most disgusting poll and I was top. It was who they masturbate over, seriously though as if I would be flattered and to be honest my husband was laughing about it then in an argument will mention it and say that's what I'm for.

I get called a 'man's girl' even though my friends are all girls and I rarely talk to guys. My friends laugh and when my my best mate's boyfriend overheard a bloke saying 'sienna's easily the hottest but can you imagine taking her home' my mate was like 'welcome to the world of sexy sienna' and laughed. I was 18 when I got with my H and had only been with him right up until January. It does piss me off, completely and when my husband joins in just because he's angry and he knows it hurts it seems to fuck me up a little bit more each time. I can't change my face, i'm not stunningly beautiful I just have a 'dirty look' as my friends say.

At school when we were about 15 a friend took the morning after pill. Result was no more hanging out with me, it was obviously my influence. I hadn't even had my first kiss at the time.

I'm sorry for ranting. I just feel at a loss. I see your point, if I don't fix what's wrong I know I can't be sure. I feel a bit scared for counselling alone, i might not know what to say or I might freeze. The counsellor might think I'm crazy with the rate I change my mind or 'don't know'.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Can I also ask, why doesn't it seem like I understand the severity of my actions? I'm asking seriously because I feel like I do.

There was definitely nothing emotional in my ONSs. They were with different people and I didn't speak much at all. I didn't care about any of them. I was drunk and it was just sleazy and fast. I know it wasn't an accident, I know I made the choice, drunk or not. I think the drink just gave me the...courage, for want of a better word.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Rant away. You're safe here.

Couple things.

Some guys from a studio we work with did a poll last summer, the most disgusting poll and I was top. It was who they masturbate over

And nobody saw this as inappropriate!?

I suggest you find new friends and new boundaries.

my husband was laughing about it then in an argument will mention it and say that's what I'm for.

How do you feel about that?

Do you think you had the ONSs as a passive-agressive "I'll hurt you back" kind of way to your husband? If he's going to talk crap about you, you may as well make it worth his while right?

I feel a bit scared for counselling alone, i might not know what to say or I might freeze. The counsellor might think I'm crazy with the rate I change my mind or 'don't know'.

Nah. The good ones are trained to wade thru all that crap and get to the heart of the issue. They have ways of leading/guiding you thru this mess.

You stated that you drank to find courage to have the ONS. What were you scared of?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

My friends were obviously saying it's disgusting but it was like, Well they were laughing and I was just mortified. I told my Mum about that and she looked shocked then laughed "well they're all real Prince Charmings".

I think my husband secretly likes it. He's come out with some inappropriate comments over the years 'for a laugh'. He just says "well you have to laugh don't you babe" - no actually.

Any time we argue, before all of this he always turned it into me being slutty. What's hurtful is that he didn't really think I was, he was just saying it because he knows it upsets me. He's even been known to bring the kids into it. For example we were quietly arguing over a cupboard door, he 'fixed' it- no he had closed it and put masking tape on so it didn't fall off... Anyway, my 3 year old came in for a drink, I gave it to him then my H picked him up and wiped his mouth with a cloth and said jokingly 'you don't know where that's been Son'. I didn't say anything and my son smiled and said 'no' in a 'don't be silly' sort of way, he even wanted another kiss because he didn't like the thought of wiping it away. My H said our son will have thought of mud and dirt and yes, of course he would but that's not the point. He then said something like 'but we know where it's been don't we, so does London'. What's the point it taking a normal argument 'there'.

In the week before I went crazy, our friend was saying how she's only been on a few dates so no the new bf hasn't stayed over and my husband said 'not like our Sienna, she dropped her drawers quickly enough, didn't you my Love'. Our friend had to fake an awkward laugh.

I did think, after the first time that well since everyone things I'm a whore I may as well act like one. Who gives a fuck. I just wouldn't have done it sober, I'm not forward enough. I behaved like, well just not me I behaved how I think people see me. Then I did it again, and again and then my husband sat there, lego all over the floor- usually i'd be angry but I just felt like what the f are you doing sienna.

I think i'll look into counselling but, i'll be so embarrassed. Someone looking at me while I say it will be awful. Worth it though if it helps i know.

It's the inlaws tonight, this will be good. My H has told his Mum not to go crazy but, good luck with that. The kids will be with us so at least she won't shout.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

First off, I do think that counseling for just you would be really good.

Now to get to what you just posted. What your H has done in this M has not been right. Did that mean that you should have done what you did? No. Because in the end, you hurt yourself. You sacrificed yourself due to I believe a whole lot of anger at what was being said. I see a whole lot of passive aggressive behavior in what you did.

That will be for a counselor to help you determine, but you did not have to live up to what they were all saying, and you can pick yourself back up from this and learn how to have self respect regardless of what anybody says.

That starts with boundaries. Part of having boundaries is knowing what is appropriate. Start looking at your behavior, how you act, what you say. Slow your thoughts down and I think that as you begin to examine you, you can start to see what others may be seeing. Change begins internally. You can do this, and you will be someone that you can be proud of.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4854 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Oh, sienna. God, my heart is breaking for you and your little ones.

Listen. Two seperate things here. Your husbands behavior and actions. Your choices.

You absolutely have to have your back. Sometimes the people we need to protect ourselves from are the ones closet to us.

I posted to you that I wondered if your response wasn't from rage. Here's the thing about that though. When we take up where others leave off it leads to disaster. No one can abuse, denigrate us without our buy in.

The same fucked thought processes that accept that shit enable us to make toxic, destructive, soul killing choices. We have other options.

For better or worse is NOT about mistreatment and cruelty from your partner. It's what you as a team handle that life and others "kindly" dump on your doorstep. It's the promise you make to each other that come what may I've got your six and not just with a fucking red dot right before the lethal blow.

Infidelity is the antithesis of our vows. So is the shit you're talking about from your husband. This is a little shop of horrors, not a marriage. Don't let your children grow up in this environment.

Get thee to IC (a good one) tout sweet and start digging. You can be the change needed here and sometimes that may mean hard decisions later but you HAVE to start now.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Thanks for sharing all that Sienna. I see more where you are coming from now.

Self-respect. The road back is paved with You finding a way to respect You.

You buy into your friends comments and even your husband's. You must not. You are the only one who can save you.

Who do you want to be? Becone that. You think you "look dirty?" What does that mean? Is it clothes? Attitude? You can change these things. You can rise above.

I think you need to avoid any friends that try to pigeonhole you. Likewise, if your BH is party to calling you names with your friends...either that has to change...or if you truly change for the better you may outgrow him.

Start with honesty. Be honest with us. We're anonymous. Hell, those of us on Wayward have done some pretty bad shit. But we survived. We are better. Be honest with yourselff. If your motivations are not so pure...so be it. No need to create a front.

Stick around Sienna. I think you have it in you to triumph.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1973 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

Thank you everyone. I've been looking into counselling today but to be honest it's all well and good on here but, face to face will be so hard! My H isn't too keen on me going but I think he's just concerned. I actually had counselling when I was a child and it was horrendous, which he knows about. Very quiet shy types bordering on silent definitely come across as strange to professionals but, I'm an adult now and I really am committed to getting it right.

I also feel so guilty for saying about my husband. He is a great Dad and a beautiful man. He just worries I think and now I've put fuel on the fire.

I'm no victim, I don't open my mouth and tell people I don't like it. During arguments I keep my mouth shut so I think he just says what he can to try and provoke a reaction. He often just shouts 'say something' so I'm clearing pissing him off. He likes to talk things through like most normal people.

Anyway, I'll just have to toughen up and be there for him so I can get my family back on track. It's all crazy at the moment but, what did I expect.

I really appreciate all opinions and I the anonymity on here definitely helps me. If my husband looks on here God help me!


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

If my husband looks on here God help me!

This concerns me.

My H isn't too keen on me going but I think he's just concerned

Why in the world would your husband not want you to go to counseling!? Think about it Sienna. IC is to help people. Why wouldn't he want you to get help? Why wouldn't he want you to talk to an IC and learn to face your fears? Why wouldn't he want you to go to IC to become a healthy person?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

I'm no victim, I don't open my mouth and tell people I don't like it. During arguments I keep my mouth shut so I think he just says what he can to try and provoke a reaction. He often just shouts 'say something' so I'm clearing pissing him off.

You apparently have a problem with sharing how you feel or speaking up for yourself, and with confrontation. These are the kinds of issues that get worked on with a good counselor.

Why do YOU feel that your H doesn't want you to go to counseling? Has he said so?

Why also do you feel the need to defend him when you have told us what kinds of things have gone on? This is where we are more concerned about you getting healthy. You don't need to defend him. Work on you.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4854 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

He can be a little insecure, or very insecure more recently. He asked what I'd say if the counsellor said to to leave him. I told him they wouldn't say that and he nodded.

He wouldn't like reading this stuff because he will wonder why I don't talk to him. Talking about my feelings face to face is difficult for me, very difficult. i feel anxious right now just thinking about it. It's difficult to explain, it's not that it's 'him'. I have told him lot's of stuff but I don't feel like I can criticise him at all, ever. I'm not sure I can criticise anyone. I'm not good with words, I can say what's happened but my feelings are a blur.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

I feel the need to defend him because I love him and he isn't all bad. He says things to try to get a reaction, he would probably be OK if I didn't just stand there.

His Mum was saying things last night and my husband was defending me. He ended up arguing with her even though I know I deserve it. He's her son, she's protecting him or trying to.

He's not just the idiot who says and does nasty things, he's a good person too.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

Sienna,

We are not attacking him here. What we ARE saying is that some of the things that have happened are not right and I think that you know that.

I think that going to counseling will be good for you. Learning how to sort through the feelings you have and how to express them is a tool that you need to have.

I see that you have real trouble validating your own feelings, you start to feel something and then you want to backtrack on it. Do you feel that you don't have the right to feel anger towards some of the things that have gone on in your marriage?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4854 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

I know no one's attacking him, I just felt like I did a little.

I don't feel like I should feel angry because I haven't done anything to stop it. Often he wants me to open up and talk to him and I don't, that really frustrates him. I don't know what I feel, I think they're hard to distinguish between. I've had some stressful times growing up and I know I'm no special case but I probably haven't dealt with it properly.

I don't like anger, I know that's an emotion I avoid at all costs. When I'm being screamed at I just zone out because I don't want to shout. This leads to him going crazy then because I'm so quiet strangers and neighbours end up getting the wrong idea about him.

I'm 99% sure we wouldn't have half the problems we have if I wasn't so annoying, for want of a better word.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 12:13 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

Sienna, TG is onto something and I think it would be something for you to look at. Really.

Your last post is full of "I shouldn't", "avoid", "I'm not special".

Why shouldn't you be allowed to have feelings? Why do you avoid feelings? Why are you not special?

I've had some stressful times growing up and I know I'm no special case but I probably haven't dealt with it properly.

Welcome to the club. Our past, our childhood helped form us into what we are today. There are many, many people here on SI that were abused, used, tossed aside, abandoned. Alot of times it's our FOO (family of origin) and past that has helped lead us to this point in our lives. The point where we betray not only our spouse, but ourselves.

I'm 99% sure we wouldn't have half the problems we have if I wasn't so annoying, for want of a better word.

Annoying for who? Him? Just because you two are different doesn't make him right and you wrong. My husband is a very quiet man. He doesn't talk much. And he avoids conflict. Me, I'm more of a bull in a china shop. I was insistent that he was wrong and I was right. Not the case. We are each individual and unique. We have had to learn about each other, learn to communicate, and coexist peacefully.

Sienna, I hope you can realize that you are special. And you are worth saving. And you are allowed to do and feel things.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)


I don't know what I feel, I think they're hard to distinguish between. I've had some stressful times growing up and I know I'm no special case but I probably haven't dealt with it properly.

I don't like anger, I know that's an emotion I avoid at all costs. When I'm being screamed at I just zone out because I don't want to shout.

These statements stand out to me. These are the things you will work on with a good IC, and so much more. Plus, having someone to start working on getting in touch with your emotions, talking to about your emotions, practicing healthy relationships and communication, is at the core of what therapy is about. Your IC might be the one pace that you feel safe expressing your emotions, until you learn how to do it in the real world. That is what my IC tells me all of the time.

IC is the best thing you can do for you, and in turn for all of your relationships (IMO).


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

I know, I don't mean I'm not special I mean as in everyone has problems but I haven't dealt with them properly.

That's the thing, nothing has really happened to me directly. I come from a very 'arty' family and that can mess you up, if you let it. I know I've let it and I know a counsellor will make a big deal out stuff. I'll go and I'll see but I'm not sure I'll be able to talk. I'm great at freezing up, it's literally a perfected art.

I think I am annoying to him. As soon as people wait for a reply or reaction my mind goes blank. I get choked up then if words do come out they sound like I'm hesitating and in some scenarios that makes it worse and it's better to not say anything. What if I just upset him or I don't say it properly it might take us 2 steps back.

Also, if I say I don't like some comments I'll seem too sensitive, like it's just a joke and I'm getting wound up for no reason or if it's during an argument what could I say 'it really hurts me when you call me that'- he could just be like, well effing about with strangers has confirmed that point. Or it could escalate into a bigger argument. If I shut up it does usually calm down. I am driving him mad and if I push it too much it could be too far.

Over the past couple of months he's done some really out of character stuff and that really is because of me.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)


I'll go and I'll see but I'm not sure I'll be able to talk. I'm great at freezing up, it's literally a perfected art.

I had this fear. My IC told me that she is fine with silence, but she would also ask me probing questions. You will be able to talk trust me. It is important to find an IC that you feel comfortable with and trust. You might not trust them at first, but building trust over time is important. You have to trust your IC and be able to talk to them about everything, it just might take some time.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

I hope so, I'll go anyway and see. I hope it helps and it doesn't just open up a can of worms!


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

I don't like anger, I know that's an emotion I avoid at all costs

Oh boy do I understand this!!!!! I figured out for me it was because I had no idea how to experience anger or even how it felt. I had full on rage. There was no passing go, no 200 bucks, straight to rage.

Years of beyond fucked up childhood built up a nice inferno that was a complete conflagration. I can't tell you how many fights I got in protecting the victims of bullies not because I liked them or even had compassion for their pain but because I hated those that tormented and even if I got my ass kicked it gave relief from that burning for just a bit and gave me a more acceptable outlet of others viewing me as far more altruistic than I ever could hope to be.

Sienna, I can relate to zoning out and shutting down because if I ever let go I had great concern I would not stop.

My ex would try to push and even goad too. I understand it must have been very tough to be with someone that would shut down tighter than fort Knox. Very unfair to him. It's "funny" I have no remorse for my choices to cheat but I do have for how closed off I was in my marriage.

Anger is a new experience for me and I'm getting used to it. Started very wobbly and am getting my balance with it. I actually feel that rush and then exhaustion as my body self corrects from the past pattern.

It also has been tough to learn you can be angry with someone you love. Rage was linked to hate and confusion as you're supposed to love your parents and they're supposed to provide safety and when you're young you experience the abuse and monsters then they become "normal" and nice for a bit. Does not compute very well to the black white love hate kids experience in that development stage.

I didn't get much help with that from counseling but great help from my close friend from SI that had much the same experiences I did and my SO. It can be worked through. It's hard and painful but feeling anger the first time actually felt wonderful. Human.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

I've never been mistreated in any way by anyone and my parents are great. They get irritated by me too! They're just disappointed in me but give my H a hard time which really doesn't help.

It's all a bit of a war zone right now but it has to improve.

Things haven't got out of control for a little while now and my husband is definitely trying his best with me. He really isn't keen on me going to counselling without him but he would never stop me.

When I was a kid counselling didn't work. It was funny, well not funny but... What happened was, I went to counselling, I didn't speak... At all, not a word! That led to them sending me to a psychologist who was like 'she isn't ill, she was just not talking''- i could talk to that guy because he wasn't talking about why I was at counselling in the first place! Whereas I knew where the counsellor was heading and In my teenage head I was like 'seriously, do you know how much effort it has taken to swallow this, I'm not about to chuck it up for you'.

It's so nice learning positive outcomes. I don't think I'll be ready for anger for a while though. It still seems very negative to me even though I 'know' it's healthy and as you say, human.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 61