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User Topic: He wont propose because I dont view health as importance as he
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, April 1st (Monday)

I have been here for years. This man was the love of my life. I am 36 years old and I have never felt love this all-encompassing. We laughed, had deep conversations, had tender-loving moments, incredible sex life, we were soul mates. And we both felt this way.

Early on in our relationship he was just out of a long term relationship in which he played my role. He was cheated on. He went through her emails. They fought all the time. They loved hard too. When they finally broke up (a month after to be exact) we met. He had mentioned he was just out of a long relationship and I tried to exit stage left a number of times, but he assured me that he was over it and wanted nothing to do with her anymore. She was his past, I was his present.

I had never felt this way about someone before so I took a leap of faith. 6 months in to our relationship I start getting a gut feeling. I got into his voicemails and heard some from her, that he had saved. Saying she thinks about him every minute. She still loves him. And he didn't love "me"!! She actually knew about me, which was news to me. She even said she hoped I didn't hear the messages because that would be "no bueno". She was even dating someone else at the time and had moved to another state. I asked him periodically if he'd heard from her and the answer was always no. Which I thought was strange given that he'd spent 5 years of his life with her.

Cut to 9 months into our relationship. We went to our first vacation in Cancun. Man we were having the time of our lives. Then one day, out on the beach, he complains that he's been getting phone calls from a number in England. He shows me his call log and I see a call from her the day before we left. It devastated me. He told me she onlyl called to get the number of his sisters addrsss to send her a xmas presesnt. The details surrounding that aren't important, but suffice to say that she already had that address, as she's lived there a period of time, and he knew that too. It was an excuse.

Believe it or not I did not leave him then. The following month he went on a ski trip with his friends. I was a nervous wreck the whole time. Eventually I found out he met a girl there, did got knows what with her, but managed to get her first and last name to friend request her on facebook (we werent friends on facebook at that time which was a huge flad in retrospect).

Her page was public so I coudl see she was in the same city at the same time. I did some searching on the web and actually found a "party" pic from one of thode websites with her name on it. I confronted him about all this and he admitted he met her, it was wrong, and they did nothing together physicially speaking. (I later found out they actually talked on the phone during that trip as well - one at 5 am)

I still didnt have proof so I stayed.

Cut to 4 moths later in April. I had access to his facebook and could see he was emailing yet another chick asking her out to drinks. That was the straw that broke the camels back.

I did not tell him how I knew, but I knew he asked her out. And I left him.

We were apart for 4 months and in that time he begged to have me back. Promised everythign I wanted in the first relatinship (to meet his parents, a declaration on facebook that i was his girl, a BOYFIEND in every sense of the word)

After miuch pleading and begging I decided to give him another chance. In four months I still pined for him. I believed he wasn't in love with me then,but losing me was enough to show him how much he did in fact love me. and never wanted to lose me again.

This was two years ago.

When we reconciled I still had major trust issues. I had all his passwords (unbenknownst to him) and monitered him (as well as the ex). I never found anything horrible but did see small lies - such as where he was at any given moment, or when he ordered something. Small assinine lies. But nothing to break up over.

But our relationship was not smooth sailing. He could be very mean sometimes and gave me passive aggressive treatmentt (maybe bevause I was doing the same because of whatever white lie was being told to me). He would also get really loud and yell to which he explained that that was his family's way.

OK Im rambling - I will try to get to the point.

So last weekend my sister wh0's 8 years younger than me got married. I didnt even want my boyfriend at the wedding for nultiple reasons. Mostly because I was embaraased that my baby sister was marring a guy she knew for one year and Im no where closer at 4 years with mine.

The ngiht of the wedding it hit me ike a ton fo bricks that he will never marry and this stupid date we gave ourselves of April 30 to be angaged was neevr going to happen. I would spend the days leading up with a heavy heart and would act resentful to him. I had hit my hard stop.

I told him it was over. i could not wait, not one more day, to be proposed to,and needed to start over with my life. Time is not on my side and if I want to have babies, at 36 and starting over, it may be too late to even have a nornal child.

He acted like he understood and cried and apologized and said he's let me go. That I'd be amazing for someone and he'd be jealous of him. That he wanted my happiniess over his and hoped I found it.

Then he calls and says he has something to say.. I dont know why , but I was terrified to hear it. I postponed the conversation for at least 4 days.

finaly we have it and he says (not in so many words) that if I promsie to work out and live a healthy life style he will propose tomorrow.

Now I am very attractive 5'9", 130 lbs. I get hit on all the time. Just two weeks ago a local sprtscaster who is also on ESPN sent me a note (while I was at the GYM) left me a note saying i was "breathtaking and if I was single (and he's sure I'm not as pretty as I am ,but didnt see a ring) to give him a call" Too bad this guy was not my type.

Anyway I'm not trying to brag but just to give you all an idea that I'm no slouch.

So after my boyfriend tells me all of that about being health and working out and how it's been a problem for him for a long time (and he's told me as much), I told him his love is conditional. If I do this, then he will love me and want me as his wife. That I didn't ask him to do anything to marry him. And I declined.

AM I closing the door on love out of spite? Or did I make the right decision? I'm hurting so bad that Im not sure I can go on.....part of me just wants to fall asleep forever. I have NO desire to be with another man. No libido whatsover. No desire to live life or work or do ANYTHING. Not even watch tv. I'm at my wits end.

Thank you for reading this


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, April 1st (Monday)

wow apologize for all the typos i swear i can speak english

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
143ANF
Member
Member # 22730
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 1st (Monday)


This man has bad boundariess at best.

There is nothing wrong with walking away from a man who doesn''t share your same view of the future. You want a husband and family. After 4 years of knowing that this is what you want, and he has not made a move towards that, it is doubtful that he will.

Even if he does have a sudden want for marriage and children, will you be able to trust him?

I know it hurts and for that I''m sorry.

{{hugs}}


I've gotten off the crazy train and I'm loving living life.

Liberation day: May 20, 2010
R began: November 20, 2011
He blew it up: Feb 6, 2014


Posts: 1407 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Florida
PeaceLove187
Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, April 1st (Monday)

If he really loved you, nothing else would matter--not his perception of what your health should be, not the potential attentions of other women, nothing. This guy doesn't know how to love and certainly doesn't know how to make a commitment. The way I read it, he's probably very good at the tingly stage of a relationship when it's all fun and gazing deeply into each other's eyes but he can't make the transition to a deeper longterm relationship and certainly has no idea how to establish boundaries.

You're grieving your dream of what might have been and that's natural. Give yourself a little time. Be kind to yourself. Then the next time a nice guy flirts with you, smile back and move on.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 58
Married 34 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 612 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, April 1st (Monday)

Wow, what a romantic -- not exactly the proposal you imagined growing up is it?

You know this is not why he hasn't proposed... you know that right? Sorry, but I call bs on his excuse, and you know what - pregnant women don't have hard bodies... so what happens then? You marry and get pregnant and you aren't appealing to him physically - so.. what then?

You are right love is unconditional. You marry knowing that anything can happen in life - he is basically saying he'll marry you, if, and only if, you are physically fit to the level of whatever bar he has set in his head...(?) Lord forbid you should be in an accident, or you know... age...

This isn't about you. It isn't that you aren't good enough or fit enough. But he has you thinking on it, doesn't he - thinking there is something wrong with you --rather than his inability to commit. He's blame-shifting. I think he is broken and you can't fix that, only he can.

Sorry, but that's my take (((suspicious)))


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4099 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, April 1st (Monday)

I'm so sorry, suspicious. I know it hurts.

You do know this has nothing to do with your attitude toward health, right? I mean, if you're getting noticed my other men at the gym, you're ...well, at the gym, for starters!!

You have made the unfortunate error of staying with a man who does not want a future with you.

You start with:

This man was the love of my life. I am 36 years old and I have never felt love this all-encompassing. We laughed, had deep conversations, had tender-loving moments, incredible sex life, we were soul mates. And we both felt this way.

But it's not true. Particularly the last sentence.

When you're honest with yourself, as evidenced by almost everything else you write, this is NOT the "love of your life." Rather, he's a man who has, throughout the entire course of your relationship, been throwing up red flags:

* He continued his relationship with his ex, but hid it from you;
* Told aforementioned ex that he doesn't love you;
* Lied to you about this relationship when asked point-blank;
* Conducted this long-distance affair in your face, even while having the "time of your life" in Cancun;
* Had at least an emotional, and quite possibly physical, affair with a woman met on a ski trip with friends;
* Has started at least one other online emotional affair with a woman, via Facebook;
* Kept you OFF his Facebook friends list (!);
* Was dating--or at least trying to date--yet another woman, using Facebook to send messages;
* When you finally stood up for yourself; manipulated you back into this toxic relationship; then
* became verbally abusive and passive-aggressive;
* pretends to be willing to marry you---if you adhere to poorly defined standards related to your "health"---because at 5'9" and 130 pounds, you're apparently not good enough for him.

This man has never been all in. He's conducted himself as a single man throughout your relationship, and has strung you along the whole time.

Why is it that you think you don't deserve more?

No! Of course you're not

closing the door on love out of spite

This is NOT LOVE. It never was--at least not bilaterally. You may love him, but I suspect that with time and distance (and I'd strongly recommend NO CONTACT), you will realize that you really do not love him---not in a way that is healthy and sustainable.

Be gentle with yourself. In the aftermath of a breakup, it's normal to have no appetite, no libido, etc. If you can, have small, frequent meals. If you can't manage that, a good protein supplement and multivitamins are important. MORE important is to stay hydrated. Continue to exercise--not to win any man, but because it is a wonderful stress reliever, antidepressant, and confidence-booster. Get enough rest.

And do not have ANY contact with that manipulative loser. You've already devoted far too much time to him.

I know I am blunt. This is because I spent about 7 times as many years as you have spent with your boyfriend with the "love of my life." I now know he never loved me---at least not the way a woman should be loved by her husband/life partner.

No one should spend even ONE MINUTE with someone s/he's identified as unworthy of his/her love.

You have identified this man as such; it's time to bid him farewell.

You say you're worried you're closing the door on love. Really, you are OPENING that door.

Until the right man comes along, IC might be helpful---it can help you fine-tune your "picker." You saw all kinds of red flags with this man, and talked yourself out of paying attention to them. Finding out why is important--as is learning how to extricate yourself from relationships going nowhere early. You don't want a repeat performance.

That way, when the right guy walks through the open door, you'll be ready to be a whole, healthy partner for him.

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:44 AM, April 1st (Monday)]


BS-me, 52
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 7967 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, April 1st (Monday)

Right now it's a healthy lifestyle. What will it be next?

This guy never worked on his issues. He's been cheating, lying and boundary breaking from the start.

Protect yourself. Work on why you are so afraid to let him go and then find someone worthy of the love you can give.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10869 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, April 1st (Monday)

I dont know why I'm defending him but I wanted to say that after we reconciled he had absolutely nothing to do with other women and spent all his free time with me. I think he realized how fundamentally he hurt me and vowed never to do it again. Not that the desire wasn't there, I'm sure it was. But to my knowledge he never acted on it. And I had access to EVERYTHING (without his knowledge so I would have known)

I knew for a long time he had issues with the things I ate, the Sprite I drank, the salt I used, the frequency with which I worked out. I knew this for a long time and we argued about it CONSTANTLY. I even asked hi on a few occasions if this was a deal breaker for him because if he'd say YES I would have left him. I dont know why, now that I know it really is a deal breaker, why it hurts so bad.

I feel like I'm arguing with someone that smoking is good for you and I wont marry you unless you realize how many health benefits it has.

I feel .......INSANE


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 1st (Monday)

Also I didn't tell the story exactly right. It all started in May of 09.

When I put my foot down and ended things because of no commitment was 3/13. He agreed at first that ending things was the right move for us. Then 4 days later says he'll marry me "if" i work with him on the health issues. And said he's propose "tomorrow".

I dont know if i'm letting my pride get in the way of a future. I know it seems so easy just to pick up and move on. But my friends have been single for YEARS with no prospects in sight. Our city is not good for people our age. I have to be ok with being single for the rest of my life. Or settle. Neither sounds good to me. I know he wasn't the last man on earth but its not like i dated much before him. I remember those days and I was equally miserable....

I feel like I did something horrible in a previous life because I've been a very good person in this one.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 10:01 AM, April 1st (Monday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Opheliapain
Member
Member # 33596
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, April 1st (Monday)

I want to point out a typo (not because they bother me) because of how Freudian it was. "a BOYFIEND in every sense of the word."

Gently, he has been a boyfiend. I see so little friendship in the relation described and a whole of fiend-ness.

You deserve better. SO MUCH BETTER and you have been conditioned to believe that his crumbs are "all-encompassing".

(((hugs)))


Me - BW 38
Him - WH 33
Don't fuck with me fellas! This ain't my first time at the rodeo!
DD - 3/28/11

Posts: 173 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, April 1st (Monday)

He keeps saying this isn't about looks. It has to do with living a long and healthy life. And it's really important to him to honor your body and he needs someone who does the same. I alwys mention working out and he keeps saying its not about that. But when I ask him to extrapolate on what that means, working out always makes its way to the list.

I told him what happens if I , or this woman he's about to meet that excercises twice a day and only eats raw food, falls on tough times and is unable to care for themselves what then?

I even threw in a "god has a interesting sense of humor".

His response is I'm cursing his life. and he doesn't know who i am, that im speaking out of anger and not the person he loves


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, April 1st (Monday)

Thank you all for the replies, I am reading them over and over again trying to let it sink in

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, April 1st (Monday)

You are right love is unconditional. You marry knowing that anything can happen in life
I don't agree that love is always unconditional. In fact a lot of things people can do would kill my love for them.

However, his conditions are ridiculous and I would tell him to take permanent hike if I were you.


Posts: 5580 | Registered: Apr 2006
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, April 1st (Monday)

He's a manipulative liar who cheats and has very poor boundaries. This is the type of guy that you love? Seriously, what would you tell your sister or your best friend?


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19181 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, April 1st (Monday)

He won't propose to you because you drink Sprite and use too much salt??? Suspi, that's just *whack*.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, April 1st (Monday)

This man is an ass. Period. You were a boomerang girl. He's probably emotionally unavailable, but here's the thing. You may be as well.

People that are tend to want absolute loyalty in another, adoration, control, while giving nothing, committing nothing, receiving nothing.

If you're on one side of that coin you'll hit it and quit it like he's doing. If you land on the other you'll chase and wait hoping for a "wake up" that will never come. This is a pattern, usually with the roles switching but always same frustration and mind masturbation with no "happy endings".

Tell him he's absolutely right about your health. You have been neglecting it by allowing him to be in your life then go dark and move on.

I'd suggest doing some serious internal reflection and inventory. It's usually no accident you wound up in this type of relationship.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, April 1st (Monday)

Tell him he's absolutely right about your health. You have been neglecting it by allowing him to be in your life


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, April 1st (Monday)

I just . . . I couldn't live with someone who I knew was going to judge me every time I drank a damn soda. OMG.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6167 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, April 1st (Monday)

ditto on above.

5'9" and 130 lbs is a healthy weight. I'm 5'6"/5'7" and 130 is an ideal weight for me. You don't have to work out to be healthy either.

He's making excuses.

Has he dealt with any of the issues about the cheating and his passive/aggressive behavior with an IC?

Why do you want to marry a man that you don't even feel comfortable bringing to a wedding or one that makes excuses on why he won't propose? Are you in IC?

Your sister married someone who didn't cheat on her early into the relationship. So a year of a relationship worked with them. Look at the history of your relationship, you would not have married him at a year in, or from the way it sounds 2 years in. You should not necessarily focus on the time of the relationship but the QUALITY of the relationship.

You are 36, still young. You honestly have plenty of time to meet someone who will love and treat you the way you deserve to be treated and loved.

Seriously look at your relationship history with this man without any rose colored glasses on. If you had a friend that told you that history, what would you advise them to do?


Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, April 1st (Monday)

He won't propose to you because you drink Sprite and use too much salt??? Suspi, that's just *whack*.

This!

Look, putting conditions on love is fine, IMO, because it defines your boundaries. If someone abused me, I could no longer really love them - so there's a condition. If someone harmed one of my loved ones without remorse, I could no longer love them - another condition. I think our conditions for love define what we would call deal breakers. I'm sure we all have deal breakers, though maybe not everyone considers them as conditions.

However this SO of yours has conditions that seem pretty incompatible with who you are. You like salt. You like Sprite. You like faithful, honest men. He sees Sprite and salt as deal-breakers, and he has so far only been faithful under duress and only because you took a strong stand on it. And even after your strong stand he continues to be dishonest.

It doesn't sound like you two are really compatible. It doesn't sound as if he actually loves the person you are.

Also I'm always suspicious of people whose deal breakers are things that can change randomly, by chance, in a heartbeat through no fault of their partner. What if you became ill? Or hurt? What if you needed medication, steroids, that changed your body? What if you craved salt while pregnant? You'd never trust him, and you'd never be certain he had your back. I think you know the answer to this, and it's not "pride" standing in your way of marrying this guy - it's self-respect.


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, April 1st (Monday)

Just from this one post you have pointed out how he over and over showed you what sort of person he really is.

You deserve better GF.

Hugs


When someone shows you their true colors, don't try to repaint them.

Posts: 1871 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Syzy
Member
Member # 15190
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 1st (Monday)

omg get rid of this guy.. 4 years is enough.. the lies alone.

You know I'll say this.. I've been a personal trainer and really fit vs somewhat out of shape from not training but nothing major. Everyone I have dated has been an athlete except for my last gf who was overweight by about 50 lbs. Not even close to my ideal. And it so didn't matter, I was crazy about her and never asked her to work out. I accepted it was probably something she'd never change and I didn't go into that relationship trying to change her. It was an adjustment because I wasn't used to it, but that was all. I adored her and would have married her had some other things been more right between us. I was never embarrassed to be with her or for people to know we were together though I had a few friends think our coupling was "odd" until they saw us around each other and our interactions. She was funny as hell I loved being 'us'.

This guy is grandstanding and making weird excuses.


BS
Dday Aug 17, 2006
R - what's that.
Me - Moved on long ago.
It takes two to make it work, but only one to fuck it up.

Posts: 945 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: So Cal
sg2008
Member
Member # 21578
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, April 1st (Monday)

I just want to come out of hiding to point out that A LOT of interesting things happen to your body when you have a baby...how will he handle that if he can't even handle a sprite or a little salt? Seriously. I went back to my pre-pregnancy weight after I had my daughter but my body isn't the same. Will he judge you for that too?

Lots of crazy shit happens in life and if your measure of worth as a life partner for him is how often you work out or what you drink than he is SO far from worth it. And that's outside of him being a liar and a cheater. In my opinion, it's a shitty enough deal to have your partner cheat on you never mind holding you to other ridiculous standards.


BS(me)- 30
WH(him)- 36
Married for 7 years, together for 9
1 DD- 9 months old
DDay- May 2008 (affair with old high school classmate)
DDay 2- October 2008 (OW2...affair occurred at the same time as OW1 but he didn't feel he needed to be hones

Posts: 217 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Canada
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, April 1st (Monday)

This guy does not want to marry you. He's come up with a bizarre requirement for M that really just equates to, "if I say jump, will she ask how high"? You will be giving him permission to mind-fuck you FOREVER. You've already told him how much disrespect and bad behavior you're willng to put up with.

DTMFA

This is not your "pride" speaking, this is your common sense!


BS (me): 49
WS: 50
Married: 25 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012
Rella
Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, April 1st (Monday)

(((hugs)))

It sounds like you had the foresight and courage to stop what would have ended up being a M in trouble with infidelity. There's nothing wrong with that. I think so many of us fall in love with someone who just may not be "right" for us, and despite the twinges, we forge forth only to get stung in the end. You halted that before it could happen. It certainly sounds like bf's lack of appropriate boundaries has been an issue, and would continue to be an issue. You can't live a good life while being justifiably suspicious of your S.

You did what had to be done... I know it hurts.

(((Hugs)))


Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, April 1st (Monday)

I understand what it's like to feel attached to someone who seems, on paper, and to everyone else, to be really awful. And what I've realized over the past year is that it doesn't matter whether she really cared about me or thought well or poorly of me, it matters that she was a burden, hurt me very badly, and was likely to continue hurting me--not worth it.

So this guy might sincerely think he loves you, and you guys might have really good times together, but in the end this will hurt you far more than it will help you (or even help him, to be honest).


Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2012
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 1st (Monday)

(and maybe you feel like the good feelings are worth some hurt, but... they're not. the hurt outweighs even the good feelings.)


Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2012
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, April 1st (Monday)

He wants to explain exactly (point by point) what he means by "health" because he feels like I didn't get it.

I told him not to bother but we'll see what he says.

No matter what it is, its just excuses. I dont know why he can't say "you're not the one"

Does he not see it? All the years I wasted.

I bet he doesn't even compile a list since I said not to bother.

I reread some old messages and I'm pleading with him. It really is heartbreaking. And he just tells me reading those are like poison. And I've been disrespectful too. But he didn't send me countless emails and texts asking me to stop.

Hes crazy-making

I'll post the list if i ever get one

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 5:26 PM, April 1st (Monday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, April 1st (Monday)

I'll post the list if i ever get one

This is so sad.

Even if he doesn't realize he should love you, flaws and all, I pray that you begin to realize. Deep down in your bones realize it. After all, you're doing the same for him. Some pretty damn big, red flag flaws IMO and IME.

If he's expecting you to be perfect, at some point he'll be let down. What happens then?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10869 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
sullymeishadomi
Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, April 1st (Monday)

As I read your post, I had the feeling he told you a story and he was a ws, not a bs.

He would not call you his girlfriend nor introduce you to his family? When I met wh, he wouldnt allow me to associate with his coworkers and his coworkers didnt want to know me because one of his coworkers had a thing for him...same female he bought a gift for when we went to Miami a year after we married. What Im saying, is he was stringing you along.

You caught messages saved that were from his xw.

You caught emails from him to another female asking her for drinks?

Then him saying he will marry you only if you start working out and eating how he thinks you should eat? Beginnings of a beautiful abusive relationship with a male (male not a man) who has no problems with cheating on you and disrespecting you.

I say run like hell away from that foolywang.

Eta: this popped into my head. I almost forgot this as its one of many shitty things wh has said to me over the years...about a year or 1-1/2 yrs into our marriage, wh said he was going to leave me. Why? Because I was too fat. I think I weighed 170 lbs at the time (Im 5'7"). My friend said of wh he used to twist me this way and that; get me to comply with his stupid assed requests. You even **look** at that list and thats the same as letting him know you comply. This is strong, and Im sorry if Im rude, but tell him to take that list and fuck himself.

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 6:03 PM, April 1st (Monday)]


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Sully, is say the exact same thing if I didn't read the emails from her stating otherwise. She cheated on every man she's dated....

I think I get the general consensus and I can't tell you all how empowered these posts make me feel. (Not to mention a bit of a dufus).

I suppose I should thank my lucky stars that I got out without a divorce. But then it's hard to be so thankful when you feel like such dog sh!t


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, April 1st (Monday)

His response-

I want to give you some background about me before I start into the rest. i have always been a go-go-go type of person. My father is the same way and i probably take after him. My mom would always say how hard it was to keep pace with my dad being that she is 6 yrs older. Growing up in nj, we lived in a small town. Like 8,000 people at the time. Big farm land, but not very densely populated. I didn't have many friends nearby my house and I didn't have a way to get to my friends houses unless a parent would take me and pick me up. So, I kept myself busy and entertained myself. My father had me doing yard work frequently, and when he didn't I would practice and play different sports. For hours and hours on end. I would shoot baskets, hit golf balls, swing at tennis balls against my basement walls, kick soccer balls against goals i built, hit whiffle balls, swam when we got a pool, etc. etc etc. I was always active doing something. I always had more energy than everyone else my age, and I would always, always outlast anyone in endurance. I ran with the cross country team, ran with the wresting team, worked out with the football players, etc. it was a big part of my childhood. It really did define me. I was voted most athletic in my high school, and people would ask was there a sport I didn't do. So from as far back as I can remember I have been like this. I played multiple sports in high school, and in college. I didn't drink until my sophomore year in college because I always associated drinking with those who didn't want to get ahead in the sport they were training in. The coaches would always preach how drinking would hinder athletic performance. So I stayed away from it. Knew it wasn't good for my body anyway, so it wasn't that big a deal. Then I realized that i wasn't going to go pro in any sport so I gave in. Started to drink, but really only on weekends. Never during the season, which lasted 6 months anyway. And usually not during the week. We had a nutritionist at school (college) and coaches wanted us to spend time with them to learn how to eat right, how much rest to get, what types of things to do and what types of things to avoid, etc. after school was over, I tried to continue these habits but inevitably it wasn't as easy. There wasn't a nutritionist there for me anymore, and the structure of having scheduled meals and scheduled workouts and rest where all gone. I have tried to focus on eating right, getting a good schedule of when to workout (for some people mornings are better, for others afternoons, etc) and generally reading and learning about the things that are important for a lifestyle of good choices and habits with respect to a persons health. I view these habits and choices as important decisions for a lifetime of happy and healthy living. It's never too late to start. One thing I have learned through the many years of listening to others is that the body has a great way of repairing and healing itself and adapting to change. I also strongly believe and it is proven by science that an active lifestyle combined with healthy food choices strongly affects the mind and spirit as well. So does sleep by the way. It is all a balance in nature. These are my beliefs. I have learned from many coaches, doctors, sports therapists, and scientists and it is proven. I don't claim to know all, and probably never will. But I do know that it is important enough for me that I want to continue and learn more and more about healthy living. As we age, our bodies get older and it becomes even more difficult to keep pace. I believe that by making simple promises to oneself, and setting goals, we can achieve a lifetime of happiness and health. After all, the body is interconnected with the mind and how you feel each day is determined by a myriad of factors including body chemistry, fuel (food), and the balanced levels of hormones and chemicals in the body. I know you're reading this and thinking where are the specifics? Well, there isn't necessarily rules and guidelines that are a must. There is however a commitment to look for healthy food choices rather than settle for less. A commitment to make a plan depending on your own goals to getting the proper exercise routine. A commitment to stick to the choices because its what you want for yourself. I'm not asking you to workout x amount of times a week or never eat another cheeseburger or French fries, I'm asking you to realize that the way you feel each day is directly related to these choices. I'm not the preacher, and I'm not a know it all, but these things are scientifically proven. I want to experience this lifestyle together. And plus its easier if you have a partner in the game and someone that is there with you pushing you:) I know it will make you feel better, it will make you feel stronger, it will make you feel less depressed, less sad, your hormones will be in better balance, etc. I will be with you all along the way if you want me.

You're speaking of things that can happen to anyone. I could fall ill, just as easily as you. Or be in an accident, or got hurt. These things happen. I tore both my acls in my knees! That's not a small injury. It's serious stuff. Later in life I will most definitely be hurting. Your knees are much healthier than mine that's for sure. So anything can happen. And I would NEVER turn my back on you if any tragedy happened. Never!!!!

I'm sure you will have all kinds of cravings when you're pregnant. Just because you crave them however doesn't mean you gotta give in every time. And I'm not saying "you" as in you, I'm saying it in general

That last part is key. You have to trust. If you don't trust me, then this is all for nothing. You have to trust that I wouldn't turn my back on the person i gave my life to. I know it may be hard for you, but in all honesty that is going to be your biggest challenge.

I'm going for a run btw before the sun goes down. Think about what I'm trying to explain. I only want what's best for both of us. You have to be willing to trust in me, as hard as that may have been for you in the past...

I don't know anymore. Thoughts anyone still reading?


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 1st (Monday)

That's a really nice magical story he's spinning there...


Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2012
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Can you please expound Probable? I don't know which way is up

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
donotlietome
Member
Member # 26478
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Run sweetie Run. Go have yourself a Sprite and Burger and start understanding that it is him not you!!!!! You are way too good for him not the other way around.

Posts: 177 | Registered: Dec 2009
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Well, I'm sorry if I'm saying this about a person you still love, but this was supposed to be an explanation of why he wanted to (or didn't want to) spend the rest of his life with you, and what he wrote of his heart and soul and personal beliefs was ... a shallow infomercial with some advice from a long ago sports coach.

Where was the YOU in that? Where was the part where he understood you, or wanted to compromise with you, or add your beliefs to his?

All I read was ME ME ME, these are my demands, this is what I want, what I want is scientifically proven to be right and if you can't get on board with my workout plan, then you can't spend your life with me.

He sounds very shallow, very selfish and as if he doesn't think twice about you as a person.

He lectured you, and then said he was going for a run and wanted you to think carefully about what he said. As if you're a stupid child that he's got to set straight, and he's personal-trainer-Yoda, and if you don't agree with him it's because you have trust issues? You have to trust HIM, and that's the "key"?

Where are "you" in this relationship? He's in it for himself and by himself. He writes to you as if you're stupid and your (very logical) reactions are silly and wrong. I'm so sorry.

By the way, this is the kind of letter that I used to get in college after breaking up with a guy - where he would armchair diagnose me with trust issues and then lecture me at length about "how life really is" and set me straight once and for all, in writing, and they would ALWAYS end it with something about how if I didn't agree with them, it just proved I had trust issues or a personality disorder or something. I used to read those letters with my best girl friends and we would laugh, because they too had gotten versions of The Letter from their own teenage exes. But these were college kids. This is a grown man!


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Wow.
He was trying to train you to put up with whatever he was dishing out. You said "No Thanks. I'll move on, now"
and he cannot believe it! So NOW, he comes up with "I'll marry you and give you babies if you will change your health." Seriously? Is that the best he could come up with? You must be practically perfect if he couldn't come up with any other hoops you have to jump through!

Sweetie, this is his way of NOT being dumped by you. He tells you this and if you decline his generous offer then he will feel like you just couldn't tow the line so he isn't going to marry you!
I am appalled by the nerve of this man! I'll tell you what, having a baby with him would be difficult at best.

Hugs to you. He's a mindfuck!


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 5958 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, April 1st (Monday)

suspicious, I just mean that it's a bunch of stuff that sounds vaguely good but has very little demonstrated connection to reality (and to be honest, is a non sequitor--he should be talking about his boundary issues and the things he's done to you).


Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2012
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Holy shit, I am exhausted just reading that missive. On a side note, I wonder if that counts as cardio.

Tell him, fine, but you value mental stimulation and while he was running around whacking this and kicking that you found him sorely lacking in that area. You'd like him to commit to expanding his mind and breadth.

A little culture, some history, maybe a foreign language or two.

OR you could next this guy and save his manifesto for girls night out show and tell. You choose. I vote "listen, listen, listen, you're so not gonna believe this one."


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, April 1st (Monday)

I was thinking the same as uncertainone.....he sounds exhausting! OMG....trying to keep up with his ideas of how you should live your life and what you should be eating and not eating and working out and he will be there every step of the way pushing you on.....

Where is the part about accepting the other person as they are? Where is the part about loving the person and letting them live their life as they see fit? What about letting you grow at your own pace and decide yourself what is right for you?

He would be a nightmare to have children with and I hope he never procreates. Those children will be miserable with him breathing down their necks on what is acceptable and what is not.

Right now you feel you will never love another the way you love him. That is correct. I felt that way with my XSO. I waited a year after we split up and started dating my male best friend. Wow, what a difference! This one actually loves me for who I am and values me....spends time with me....I never have to guess about his commitment.

There is better out there and you are young. You will have plenty of other opportunities but give yourself some time to heal and also to figure out why you put up with a guy who made you feel second best as he paraded other females around in front of you. You can do better than this. You deserve it. Don't date again until you realize that you deserve better. ((((hugs))))


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, April 1st (Monday)

I'm sure you will have all kinds of cravings when you're pregnant. Just because you crave them however doesn't mean you gotta give in every time. And I'm not saying "you" as in you, I'm saying it in general

I'm sorry. I got a Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes vibe.

Even if you think you want to try to live up to his idea of perfection, imagine a child of yours trying to do the same. A lifetime of feeling unlovable and unworthy because Daddy feels like everyone should live up to his standards. Except him...he gets passes when he has weak moments.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10869 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
sullymeishadomi
Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, April 1st (Monday)

How high was the soap box he was standing upon.

Im not sure if I can explain this correctly, but he is spewing as if he knows all and is trying to punish you into being "good" which in normal language is an abusive put down while masquarading as being kind ans helpful. Im in an emotional abusive relationship...btdt.

It sounds like he is from near where I presently live.

Seriously, doll, please shut this fool down hard and quick. It only gets worse. This guy is abusive and controlling. He is just trying to masquarade himself.

It is true what you eat affects you in ways he said, but he has no right what so ever to put demands on you. Love is unconditional. Love is there no matter what you eat, what you look like, etc. This guy does not love you....not in a way that wont hurt.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Run.

I go go into why *I* feel that way but you need to feel it.

You are better than any offer he could make you.

Run. Run fast.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3277 | Registered: Apr 2009
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Well, that was touching and romantic **dripping with sarcasm**

I only read it because you're struggling with this guy, but if it were meant for me, my eyes would have glazed over after the first two lines. Holly-Isis hit in on the head: Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes.

Run, Forrest. Run!


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19181 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, April 1st (Monday)

The latest after I responded (not so nicely)

Don't bother it won't get us anywhere. The entire time I was writing my text I was focused on positive energy. Not one did I want to or think that I was preaching and that I know better than you. It wasn't all me, me, me. You asked me to explain my feelings on the topic and I did. And boy am I sorry I did. Because your email response to my text was so off point. I don't want to explain my feelings anymore. They just get passed around to other people anyway. I will keep them to myself from now on. That way our relationship doesn't have to be the talk of the town. I don't read your texts and emails to my friends. The nerve of me to think I could write something about myself and have you take it at face value and not bash me for it...


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Stop corresponding with him. Just stop. Nothing good is going to come of this.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19181 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, April 1st (Monday)

I told him I ran this by a health work out nut

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Stop engaging with him now.

Hon, this is what you said:

I dont know why he can't say "you're not the one"

He is telling you, just not verbally. Get the hell out of this relationship. Split what you need to, find a place of your own. Get out of the relationship.


Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, April 1st (Monday)

That was the last correspondence I plan to have. If I could only wipe from memory too.

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
SouthernGal
Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, April 1st (Monday)

I call bullshit ... He won't propose because he doesn't want to get married.

Sorry, but his "reason" is just nonsense and it all boils down to the fact that he just doesn't want to propose to you. He's just not that into you - which is to say not as into you as he is into himself.

Consider yourself to have dodged a major bullet and give yourself permission to move on.

[This message edited by SouthernGal at 10:11 PM, April 1st (Monday)]


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, April 1st (Monday)

He keeps saying this isn't about looks. It has to do with living a long and healthy life. And it's really important to him to honor your body and he needs someone who does the same.

Oh, bullshit. It has nothing to do with honoring himself, you, or anyone else. It's about control.

Happy relationships foster long and healthy lives. Relationships with critical, controlling partners do the opposite. Stats back this up.

This is not a man who loves you the way you deserve to be loved, unconditionally. I hope you see this---or at least elevate your expectations of him--before you agree to marry him or start a family.

If he is playing the "your body is your temple" game, he needs to do some housekeeping of his own temple. Starting with some serious IC to locate some boundaries---then, perhaps, some premarital counseling to re-tool your relationship dynamic.

(I don't buy the "body is a temple" excuse. Sorry. A man who believes this does not pollute his life with other women. He holds himself to high standards when it comes to conduct---not just food and exercise.)

You will need to make a significant time investment to allow him time to become an emotionally safe partner for you, and a safe parent for the children you wish to have. He is NOT safe now. Not for you, and not for children.

I know you're now backpedaling a bit, and excusing his words. But later, when your mind is quieter, stop to think about it. Is this an investment worth making? Or might you be better off investing time in a new relationship with someone worthy of your love---someone who loves you for you?

(Or, even, having a baby on your own?)

Ticking biological clock or not, if he's not the right guy for you, you should not marry him. Only you can decide whether he's the guy---but what you've written of him (and what he's written, even more) shows, quite glaringly, that he does not respect you the way a man should respect his life partner.

You don't seem ready to hear this--but honestly, you need to BEFORE you make decisions about marriage and children. Children change everything.

Do you see that what he's written is narcissistic and controlling? (Dear Lord, is he actually already contemplating how he will control your pregnancy cravings?!?!?!) That he's condescending and patronizing? That the words are the words of a man who wants to control, not love? Are you willing to let the man who wrote it impress these "values" upon children---children who might NOT be interested in sports, who might prefer the library to the field, who might develop prepubescent pudge that is utterly unrelated to eating or exercise but is clearly repugnant to their father?

This man does not accept people the way they are. And children have an uncanny way of ...well, being who they are---as well they shouldbe. You may be willing to accept this nonsense. But are you willing to entrust the emotional well-being of your children to this man?

Given his history, and his current irrational demands of you (Castigation for drinking Sprite? Really??), your willingness to excuse his behavior warrants exploration in IC, too--whether you opt to stick with him or not.

As much as you want children, you NEED the right father for them. Sometimes, that means saying goodbye to a guy you've spent years convincing yourself loves you....and finding alternatives. Adoption. Artificial insemination. Fostering. Falling in love with a man who loves you as you deserve to be loved.

Telling yourself stories to make yourself believe the wrong guy is Mr. Right is NOT the way to approach starting a family.

Really, it's not.

You're clearly not comfortable with the situation, or you wouldn't be posting here. What do you need to get un-stuck?


BS-me, 52
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 7967 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, April 1st (Monday)

Suspi, this guy is bad news. I know that it hard and upsetting to accept....your decision to cut contact with him is the right one.

He's dangerous because he's controlling and very manipulative. Solus mentioned condescending and patronizing...and she's right. His words are just oozing with it.....it *creeped* me out. He is very masterful at subtly implying that there is something wrong with YOU....and all because you are just being, well....you.

One of his statements that I found highly disturbing was his reference to the pregnancy cravings. And how *big* of him, the one that will NEVER feel one of those *I will kill you in your sleep if you do NOT get me ThinMint GirlScout cookies RIGHT NOW!!!* moments, to *lecture* you about not giving in to those cravings. ???? My first thought when I read that was "fuck off, you hypocritical douche." Maybe if *he* were able to *not give in* to HIS cravings for other women, then YOU wouldn't be in this fine mess in the first place! Pot --> kettle.

And yea....this guy is going to make any children that he fathers just miserable.

I'm sorry, Suspi. {{{hugs}}}


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Thera77
Member
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, April 1st (Monday)

My eyes hurt after reading all of that.

But I do love that your depression, sadness, hormone imbalance (so he says) and trust issues are all related to your supposed french fry habit and lacking exercise routine. Oh Brother. Pass.

He's correct on one point. You do need to do some cardio - and run as far away from him as you can.


Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I'm sorry he is a jerk, move on. No one deserves conditional love or a proposal with conditions.


"You can never have too much happy!"

Posts: 1151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Matisse
Member
Member # 38338
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Suspicious, you have made the right decision to end your relationship with him. When you broke up with him, he told you he would "let you go." That's very significant, he's telling you its his decision whether you get to break up with him.

He waits a while and then tells you if he can control what you eat, he will propose. Men who want to control every aspect of your life always start with food. If you really want to eat lettuce the rest of your life, marry him. Every time you dare look at Thousand Island dressing, he will berate you. If that doesn't work, he'll sulk. If that doesn't work and you still insist on a teaspoon of Thousand Island dressing on your salad - he'll make the rest of the night miserable for you.

He writes you a letter bashing you for poor eating habits, but he doesn't even outline the changes you need to make. Why? Because it's going to be fluid, on the days he needs more power, everything you eat will be wrong - even though he approved all of it the week before.

You respond to the letter and he tells you that you've bashed him. I guess he didn't notice that in his letter to you - he bashed you for poor eating and exercise habits and distrusting that he knows what is right.

Then - here's the big one, the one you really have to watch out for. He admonishes you for discussing his letter with someone else, making the relationship the talk of the town. That is code for 'I want to isolate you, make sure I have sole influence over you.' He will distance you from friends and family.

Suspicious, four years with this guy is not a long time. Over a lifetime of 80 years - it's nothing. Give him 20 years, that's a long time. Make the break up stick this time.

As for being 36 years old - that is the perfect age to be single and dating. You're old enough to know a man that is going to be nothing but trouble and young enough that you aren't so set in your ways that you can't adjust to sharing your life with someone.

You are also no where near the end of your biological clock. It's ticking - but you have years left to have children. Don't have children with someone like this man. There are better men out there. Men that will love you for you and won't monitor every bite you take so he can feel powerful.

A friend of mine had twins last year at age 50. You have plenty of time to meet the perfect man for you and fall in love. Give yourself that chance. You deserve it. You do not deserve to be saddled with the boyfriend you just ended it with.

The next time he texts, emails or calls - tell him you do not want to marry him. You do not want to date him. You have ended the relationship and any further contact from him will be considered harassment. Close the door on him and don't communicate with him again. Then open the door to the rest of your life, its waiting for you.


Posts: 96 | Registered: Feb 2013
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

^^^^^ Matisse is right on the money. I missed the isolation aspect when I responded earlier, but now I have the chills, because his intention to isolate you from others is right there in black and white.

Honey, I'm sorry for the advice you're getting here, including mine. Please know that none of us likes giving it. We're not bitter man-haters; we just have unfortunate experience.

I'm so sorry the man you believed to be the man of your dreams is not. While I think you've made the right decision, I know it hurts--a LOT. I am so sorry for your pain. This will be meaningless now, when you're in the midst of it, but it DOES get better.

Millions of hugs to you. This is a great group, and I hope you'll stick around. You've been betrayed, and there is no better place to work through that and get in a good place for another relationship than SI (and an IC's office; a good IC is worth her/his weight in gold, too).


BS-me, 52
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 7967 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Heavy Sigh
Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

This guy sounds as if he's still training for the Olympics without realizing that he hisn't ever going - hoping life will be perfect as soon as he does more lifts or gets his protein to kale proportions just right. Like women who dress up and obsessively put on makeup to look pretty and wait to be crowned princess one day - then one day they're 62 and look good for their age but that's all they have to show for their lives, waiting for some moment of fulfillment and they get desperate and get those weird face surgeries and exaggerated lips. All dressed up and waiting, not realizing life is what you invest in others.


The person who isn't healthy in this relationship is HIM.

When he's on his death bed one day he will look back and have no memories except of the gym, running and he will probably traumatize your kids because he will criticize them as an excuse not to spend time with them and tend to his own obsessions, just as he does with you. Talk about self-absorbed. He's basically telling you he hasn't grown emotionally or mentally since high school, and that you're welcome to exercise beside him but not to expect much more but criticism from him.

You'll never meet his ideal because he can't. He seems to have a form of manorexia. It's neurotic self-absorption to say the least, and what's this issue with his mom for being six years older than his dad, to where he idolizes his dad? Might be a form of unaddressed hyperactivity, or he's pushing back some bad, bad memories or feelings through exercise, or seeking approval of his dad, even if in his own head just trying to meet it? His dad probably used work to avoid distractions of a kid. I'm sure at 36 or 46 or 56 his mom was not falling-apart elderly just because his dad was 30, 40 and 50.

Uncertainone shows exactly how this man's life is in an imbalanced state of self-absorption and making exercise and raw foods his religion, hoping to fill some empty space that won't be filled by those things.

Tell him, fine, but you value mental stimulation and while he was running around whacking this and kicking that you found him sorely lacking in that area. You'd like him to commit to expanding his mind and breadth.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 6:46 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Wow, really felt for you in your opening, as although the actual events differ, the entire mindset of the the events (both yours and his) hit very close to home for me and MrWNW....

I know the hardest thing now is wiping him from your mind as you said. It is possible. It'll happen quicker than you think. You already cut him loose for 4months once, each subsequent time gets a little easier.

NC, NC HARD, even mental NC, no listening to songs, no reading old emails, delete them all, clear your entire email so you have nothing to go back and devastate yourself over. Guys like this like to leave little "trinkets" behind to remind us of them. MrWNW had given me a 50Ę skeleton key attached with all kinds of amazing meaning to it supposedly. I stopped wearing it, but I refused to throw it out, left it in a drawer, which I'd see from time to time and just be crushed. Throw all that kind of shit AWAY!

It's a bum deal. You made a huge investment, very valuable years of your life, and it had little return, if it hasn't even been a loss. (I'd assume the latter, actually, though.) Do you keep investing in a bad investment...or do you pull your funds and try to rebalance and reinvest?

I know ALL about being the boomerang girl, about wanting all you've gone through to MEAN something, about the fear that losing you will wake him up and the NEXT girl will get all the benefits of some amazing guy that YOU did the work to achieve...... UTTER BULLSHIT!

There's no happy ending for anyone here but you. You're clearly taking steps to achieve that. Read through the New Beginnings threads, through the Divorce/Separation threads.....gain strength in relating to others who once thought someone their soulmate but have truly found a greater happiness on their own or with another. You can do this, and you CAN be happy....soon as you put the trash on the curb.

I have "So You're In Love with a Narcissist", kindle edition. PM me your email address, and I'll loan it to you from my kindle account.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 6:32 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Lets get back to the part of why you are here.

Has he done anything at all as far as transparency, passwords, IC for himself, etc....???

What has he done for you to make you feel safe in this relationship? I read your profile, you have asked repeatedly to get answers and you have gotten none.

And now he uses the ultimate trump card of making you feel lower then low and manipulating you to back off and do things his way.

And yet he still has not proposed, nor has he allowed you into his personal life.

He has not given in on one thing yet lectures you.

Don't engage with him anymore. The only thing I would say back is "You are right, I am not good enough for you." And drop him like yesterdays leftovers.

That way he can be right and you can run!

This is a smoke screen at its very best


Posts: 5524 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Sure you should eat healthy. Sure you should work out.

But you can do those things AND still give yourself a treat every now and then. It's about compromise, and balance.

His novels all read to me like he just can't believe you're not adoring him and hanging on to his every word anymore, so he GUESSES he'll settle and marry and you and give you babies (what you want), so you'll give him what he wants (never ending worship).

And seriously. Good for him, oh great king of endurance.

The biggest rule of any lifestyle change is that you have to want to do it for YOU, not for anyone else, or it won't ever stick. And then what happens? You "commit" to his healthy food only and working out every day---he marries you, and one day you want a soda so he goes out and cheats?

"you had a SODA, that wasn't the deal, so I had an affair."

That's where I see this going.

I agree with the other posters: Don't go back.


Posts: 3093 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
luvedmypbear
Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

(((suspicious)))

Please use me as a cautionary tale....
I wasted well over a decade with a man like yours and no good can come of it.

I'm also 36, BTW and believe me, you have many options in the relationship world if you are open to them.

My ex controlled everything: food, clothes, exercise (he thought I worked out too much)....
I was too fat (while pregnant)

then

I was too skinny

then

my boobs were too small (really? they were the same size they had been for 12 years but today it was an issue??)

madenning stuff

mine is mentally ill....combat ptsd with a sprinkling of borderline personality disorder....combined with a controlling mother and an absent father and he was a flipping nightmare.

Literally slept with everyone female who was nice to him.
lied about everything
never helped with our kids (not even a diaper change)

said he loved me a million times per day but did not show that he did ever

and you know what? I feel sorry for the guy because he could get help and get better but he is having too much fun lying to everyone and screwing everyone!

I wish I had followed my gut in 1999, seriously.
I suspected a lie back then and it was confirmed a few years later and it really should have been it.

My only regret is meeting the wrong guy and giving him the wrong finger......

I love my kids, the only joy he ever gave me, even though he didn't intend to and didn't want them.
but if they had a father who loved them and acted like it, their lives would be so much better.

Don't be me in 10 years.

You can do much better....there is no happiness at this fork in the road.

[This message edited by luvedmypbear at 6:57 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Sep 2009
still-living
Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

He has possible abandonment issues? Strings others along as alternate Plan B's, maintains emotional distance, and is so extreme he wants you in tip top physical condition so you don't die first?


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14

My dog farted, startled himself, wondered where the noise came from. I wish my life was as simple.


Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Thank you all so much for the outpouring of health (I wrote health but meant help freudian slip again lol). I have read this thread 20-30 times because it makes me feel better. I woke up this morning feeling like a cold heartless bitch because i wouldn't answer his calls last night. There's a part of me that wants to help him. I feel sorry for him. But reading these posts kind of slaps me back into reality.

I am so sad and not looking forward to the months of pain I have to endure to get over this. I just wanted to thank you all for the wonderful insight, time spent writing, and the support. And please keep them coming....I check often.

I'm not sure what to do with myself. I fear that I have something to do with this and I picked a person like this for a reason. Maybe because I didn't have the best relationship with my Father. They actually remind me of each other.


Just as I'm typing this I get a text from him -

"You made me out to be a fool, unreasonable, selfish, shallow, superficial for trying/wanting to explain why something is important to me. You misintrepreted and twisted my opinion to try and validate your anger towards me. My text wasn't an infomercial and I wasn't trying to sell you. While I can see where you would think that's what I was doing towards the end, I was simply asking you to understand me and why I am the way I am. Just because I find refuge and comfort and want to spend time doing the things I enjoy, doesn't make me love you any less because I spend time doing those things and less time together with you. If you dont agree I cant make you. It's your perogative. It has nothing to do with loving the person you are. My point is to understand and fix the problems you have to understand the persons point of view. Whether or not youagree is another thing. But youre intent on putting me in a corner and simplifying things.


GUYS I NEED HELP. I NEED SUPPORT> WHAT DO I DO?????????????


Should I respond? Leave it alone? If I respond what the hell do I say?

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 7:59 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
notmeanymore
Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Do NOTHING.

You're looking for some kind of resolution that's just not going to happen.

Stop communicating. It doesn't matter if he understands you or you understand him. He's not healthy for you. End of story.

Disengage. Block him. Delete texts *DONT READ THEM*.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 839 | Registered: Feb 2006
EmperorsClothes
New Member
Member # 37429
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

No contact!
He's mad at you because you're upset at his ridiculous and hurtful "proposal"? Spare me.
He's already shown himself to be a manipulator. Don't engage. His words are meaningless.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2012
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Jesus, there's that moment you realize, they weren't so special or unique afterall..... any line from any NPD could've been written by anyone of them, and we've all heard that same shit over and over.....

He is NOT special. He is NOT unique. He is NOT some misunderstood diamond in the rough with grand intelligence and all the promise if just the right person will stop hurting HIM.

Is he broken? Yes. Is he sick? Absofuckinglutely. However, if he had down syndrome, would you be sitting here trying to fix him or would you just accept, he is this way, nothing you can do?

This isn't cancer. There's no holding his hand through chemo. This is narcissistic selfish self-absorbed me me me man. Never never land peter pan syndrome so to say.

Don't respond. ANYTHING you respond will be twisted around, manipulated. No matter what you say or do, it WILL be your fault ... IN HIS MIND. Don't buy his brand of reality shifting.

Change your number, change your email, disconnect from his crazy, and move on, don't look back. There's nothing happy waiting back there. You will never get the answers.... he'll only pretend to understand you or care about you periodically as it suits him. Just don't. This is nothing you did. He's been like this a long time. Get into IC, read, and keep posting/reading here.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

OMG he is freaking nuts. Can you block his number?

((HUGS))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6167 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

There's a part of me that wants to help him.

He can't workout for you, can't eat healthy for you. You can't work on his mental/emotional issues as long as he doesn't acknowledge them and begin the work on his own. I've been with my H 21 yrs and I still have to fight that belief- that I can push him to face himself. It just can't happen, they have to get there on their own.

"You made me out to be a fool,

Really? You did this? Did you copy and paste his own words or did you add to them? If it was a C&P- then he made himself into the fool. He just can't believe any right thinking person wouldn't agree with him.

My text wasn't an infomercial and I wasn't trying to sell you. While I can see where you would think that's what I was doing towards the end, I was simply asking you to understand me and why I am the way I am.

Really? But he has made this a condition of getting engaged. And, as someone pointed out, there were no concrete expectations. That means they would change as time went by and he realized he still wasn't happy, still didn't have the perfect life. He'd place the blame on you instead of himself. M isn't about having to tailor yourself to make someone else happy. It's a two way street and if you're both working towards being loving to the other person there's no need for ultimatums and requirements.

Has he bothered to understand why you are the way you are? Has he asked how he can change, make you feel safer and more loved? Or has he been more like what we've seen here- showing you the ways he considers you unlovable?

What he is saying now does not mesh with what he texted you earlier. This recent text is manipulation because you did not respond how he expected. He's been able to have his way in much of the relationship, he expected it to continue. That you would be desperate enough to swallow the "Gospel according to BF". He doesn't like that you are getting support and being your own woman in this.

I'd suggest you do some reading on the abuse cycle and types of abuse. See if you recognize any of your relationship in the information you find. Here's a link to start:
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10869 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Does abuse come on gradually?

Because in the beginning (while he wasn't exactly true to me) he was never abusive. Never. Always the perfect gentleman, opening doors, complimentary, sweet, generous.

This behavior didn't start until we reconciled in 2010. I wonder if I did or said something to bring this on? Did he consider me abusive as well and was just mirroring me? Or am I not telling the story correctly and painting him to be some awful person?

He's done more for me than even my own father has done. Loved me more than anyone else. Is it possible I'm telling this story wrong and giving everyone the wrong impression?

I really can't even think clearly anymore


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Because in the beginning (while he wasn't exactly true to me) he was never abusive. Never. Always the perfect gentleman, opening doors, complimentary, sweet, generous.

True in almost every abuse case I've ever heard of. Do you think people just seek out abusive people? Or do you think more likely it's the abuser throws out a massive amount of charm and smoke and mirrors because they KNOW how broken they are, suck the person in, then start laying it on once they have them (at least) mentally trapped?

It's not uncommon, that's for certain.

He's done more for me than even my own father has done. Loved me more than anyone else. Is it possible I'm telling this story wrong and giving everyone the wrong impression?

So what he treated you better than your father did? So what he loved you more than anyone else had? If that's love, I don't want it. If it's more than you've had before, doesn't mean it was enough, or true, or healthy. Just means you've had a shit deal for a long time from a lot of people. Just means you've accepted less than enough for all your life. Start looking into why. DON'T however settle for less anymore. The absence of love is better than painful love. Painful love absolutely CAN be a death sentence. You can actually die from a broken heart, from a destroyed self-esteem. People commit suicide everyday over it. Absolutely your perception can be skewed right now. It's natural. They're master manipulators. You weren't the first to buy his crazy, and you won't be the last. You CAN heal from this though.

You're only a victim until you choose to be a survivor.

Oh, and wanted to add, it is also GUARANTEED if you continue to read his texts/emails, listen to him whatsoever, he WILL convince you that everything ALL these people here have said is just wrong, that YOU have told the story wrong, you've just chosen to be miserable, chosen to believe the worst in him, chosen to be a victim, blah blah. Would you like me to write out all the things he's about to tell you? I can. They're not special, not unique. It's just part of the head games. Reality shifting. It WILL make you crazy. I'm serious when I say, your life may depend on you maintaining full NC.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 9:10 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Shit. You are ass-deep in a relationship with an emotionally abusive man and you are going to have to fight like hell to get yourself out of it. The hardest part is that you are going to be going through your *own* stuff--the disappointment and pain of a break-up.....while also having to fight off his manipulations. And he is going to get much worse before this is all said and done.

He is freaking out right now because you have moving outside of his sphere of control. You aren't responding as you are *supposed* to. Expect him to ramp it up because it's coming. He'll vacillate between being sugar-sweet, pleading, and downright cruel and if you allow yourself to get sucked into it, it is going to be one big, old mind-fuck....which is why *blocking* him and not reading that shit was mentioned.

Just because I find refuge and comfort and want to spend time doing the things I enjoy, doesn't make me love you any less because I spend time doing those things and less time together with you

And where did ^^this^^ come from? I know that you haven't posted all of your responses to him, but I never saw you mention anything about how him doing what he enjoys means that you feel as if he doesn't love you or want to spend time with you. This part of his response is an indication of how he is not *listening* to you.

An abuser will talk *at* you. There is no type of give-and-take.

Whether or not you agree is another thing. But you're intent on putting me in a corner and simplifying things.

He took ^^^this^^^ right out of the Abuser's Handbook. He is clearly not hearing one word that you've said. He only hears that YOU don't agree with HIM......so, obviously, there must be something wrong with YOU, right? Ugh.

NC is the ONLY way to go with this guy, suspi.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Does abuse come on gradually?

Because in the beginning (while he wasn't exactly true to me) he was never abusive. Never. Always the perfect gentleman, opening doors, complimentary, sweet, generous


When you say that he wasn't *true* to you, and you are gently saying that he was cheating on you in some form or another.....then, yes, suspi. He was abusing you. Cheating is the #1 form of emotional abuse.

Read about the cycle of abuse. There are 3 stages....and one of them is the *honeymoon* stage. They can't be obviously controlling jerks all the time or else they wouldn't be able to keep their victims sucked in.

I suspect that this ramped up after you R'd because (1)you weren't as *trusting* and so you were a bit more aware of behaviors that you hadn't really noticed before; and (2)you took him back after he cheated on you so he *knew*, in his fucked-up mind, that you *loved* him.

Do you know the *boiled frog* story? If you drop a frog into a pot of already boiling water, he will jump out immediately. However, if you place the frog gently into a pot of cold water...he'll think that he's getting a treat and will swim around contentedly, never noticing that the water is getting hotter and hotter....because he is *adapting* to the slight temperature changes as they occur. UNTIL the water begins to boil and he dies.

That's what happens in an abusive relationship. You get placed into what you believe to be a safe haven, and then the fucker that put you there turns the heat onto high and laughs while you get boiled alive.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

GUYS I NEED HELP. I NEED SUPPORT> WHAT DO I DO?????????????

You need to BLOCK HIS NUMBER!!

you need to BLOCK HIS EMAIL ADDRESS

you need to BLOCK HIS FACEBOOK and every other social media

You need to completely block him from your life right now so that you can't get any correspodance with him.

Also...

My point is to understand and fix the problems you have to understand the persons point of view.

He actually used the word "fix"....Are you broken? HELL NO...

This guy is batshit crazy riding the fucking crazy bus with a "i am the president of the crazy club" button on.

He's trying to mold you into something he wants you to be....rather than accept you how you are.

THAT is not love, that is control, that is him feeling all powerful that he got to get a girl to 'change' for him.


Block him block him block him!


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
~Some days are better then others~

Posts: 1614 | Registered: Sep 2012
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Windows - I would love to hear everything he is going to say to me. I think it would help prepare me to be stronger...so if you have the time I'd be forever greatful

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I wonder if I did or said something to bring this on?

I know it is hard when you are in midst of it all...but someday you will be able to see how textbook this is and shake you head at it all.

Look at your sentence above. How many times have we seen/heard victims say that?

OPs are right, your key is to stop engaging, responding or even reading his texts. Reading them just lets him twist stuff all around more.


When someone shows you their true colors, don't try to repaint them.

Posts: 1871 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

4 words come to mind: Emotionally Unavailable Control Freak.

Suspicious, this guy is not husband or father material no matter how much you want him to be. The most selfish thing you could do would be to have a child with this guy.

He is unavailable to you in every way. No external players are needed -- it's all him.

He's not going to change because he doesn't want to change. He doesn't see anything wrong about himself and what's worse is he's telling you and convincing you that you are the only problem here. Oh he's goooood...... a well seasoned master manipulator this one.

Maybe your father didn't treat you well or put you first but you need to treat yourself better than what you've been willing to settle for so far. I know it's scary but you need to look deeply at that and see how you got here and why you will repeat it again if you don't.

Find the confidence to place the change you need for a better life in your own hands and run with it.

(((suspicious)))


Growing forward

Posts: 1451 | Registered: Sep 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I know this is stupid and some of you may rightfully smack me in the head for doing this but without actually looking for it, I found an email exchange from january. I wanted to post this so its all in one place so I can come back here and read every time I feel weak. Obviously no one has to read it but just reading it myself makes things much clearer.

I had had it because he was SOOOOOO angry with me for blocking the doorway when I moved apartments. He specifically asked me to keep it clear so they could get in and out easily. I closed it because I needed something beind it and forgot to open it again. He gave me the silent treatment for days until he finally blew up and told me why he was so upset. Becasue I didn't listen to him and it was a sign of disrespect. I was livid. After weeks of not talking he sends me this email

"With all thatís been said to each other, coupled with the fact we are not talking, are we to assume that we arenít together anymore?"

To which I responded -

"Are you serious ? Do you read the emails I send? Please see attached ( in particular the last 3 paragraphs)

It seems you have no desire to work on things or take responsibility. And I canít do this alone! You say you love me but I have to seriously question that. I know I love you and I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. I would have given my life for you, I would have gone to the ends of the earth to make things work. So we could be together.

I donít want a one-sided relationship. A true friend wouldnít go weeks and weeks without so much as a text to see if Iím ok. But Donít worry, surprisingly I am.


I just wanted someone to put in as much effort as I was(even if it was just fixing relationship issues) and who treated me with dignity and respect.

Based on my last few emails I thought it was pretty clear I was looking for some feedback. To me this email below just seems like a half-@ssed way to end things because you donít want to come out and say it. If you need to be free, by all means, do it. We can take down all the pics on Facebook, remove the relationship status, and move on with our lives. Just wish each other well, and end this chapter of our lives. At this point, this is your call.

Why? Because Iím still on the fence about it. I have more thinking to do and havenít sorted out my feelings completely. I canít say with absolute certainty what I want. I am leaning one way, but I still waver. Iím ok with taking a few months break to think. So much history and love and time invested, itís hard for me to walk away forever. And I know once we end it, it will be for good. I think we both know that.

If you want an answer now, then I have to say my answer is yes. Only because I canít give you a straight answer. I will not put up a fight, call you drunk in the middle of the night, try to sabotage any of your new relationships, or keep hope for a future together. I will pray for you and your family and wish you a bright and happy future.


So , as much as I know you donít want to hear it. If you need an answer to your question now, it is going to have to be you who ultimately makes the call.

Then he responds with

Yes, I am serious. It is a legitimate question. I read emails, except when it is anger and ranting which is what your last emails were mostly. It is a question I was asking to see if you had any clarity on your end.

Youíre frequently playing the ďyou donít take responsibilityĒ card when I have never claimed it is all your fault. I have never said this is all you, and never said I was the one in the right and youíre the one in the wrong. You wanting to pin me into that corner is inaccurate and an excuse. Saying that you question whether I love you is another excuse. If you question that, then we donít need to be together. We have both given our lives to each other, given time and love and history, and have been going through many times of trying to make things work so we could be together. You said some pretty harsh things, as did I. It hasnít been getting better. You said maybe we shouldnít speak for a while, to think about things. But now Iím at fault for not being a ďtrue friendĒ because I didnít reach out to you to see if youíre ok. It goes both ways. Iím happy to hear that youíre doing well. Thatís good. I have never been more confused about anything before in my life.

It seems things still arenít any different from when we last talked. A lot of your email below is a ďdigĒ. Do you read emails, you have no desire to work on things or take responsibility, you say you love me but I question that, a true-friend wouldnít go weeks without a text, you donít treat me with dignity and respect, making a vague reference to my ex, etc.

For what part of your emails were you looking for some feedback? It seemed to me you were more intent on being condescending because you felt I was being the same in my emails. Thatís not the way to have a discussion or correspondence. My question is not a half-@ss way to end things. I donít need to be ďfree,Ē I need peace and happiness. We both need and want that.

Iím not willing to make the call, because I havenít sorted out my feelings either. Thatís part of the problem. With all that we have been through, and knowing that we are on limited time, I would like to have a more clear cut idea of where we are to go. And since I am on the fence about it like you, itís very hard to walk away forever. And yes, I do know that it would be for good. Even though I may always hold out hope for a happy future together simply because I believe us to be once in a lifetime.

I donít ďneedĒ an answer now. I was only looking for your thoughts on it since you asked me that same question over text a week ago. Iím not wanting, needing, or wishing to make the call.

then I said

Sorry ill send a full response but I don't get the "ex" part? What did u think I was trying to reference? Bc u could t be further from the truth. Your ex has not crossed my mind when typing any recent emails

he says

Saying you wonít call drunk in the middle of the night, or try to sabotage new relationships, or hold out hope for a futureÖ

so my response -

Well I guess I didnít even realize I was doing that (referencing your ex). Itís not really about your ex, itís about what girls usually do in these instances. I can see now why you thought that. Iím just saying Iím not that girl, never have been. I wasnít trying to dig on her, sheís the last thing on my mind. Itís almost strange itís on yours Ė have you two talked? I would not be upset if you had, it might help bring some clarityÖ.

OhÖ.And you guys were holding out hope for the future???? Thatís news to me!!? - I didnít know that was part of the equation and if I did, I think you know what Iíd do. I thought you told me the relationship was ďover years before it actually endedĒ. This is a real shock to hear. I feel you kept me in the dark about this. I understand that itís hard to say that sort of thing to someone - but saying the complete opposite is a lie. Not cool at allÖ.the more I think about it the more im disappointed.

Maybe talking to her would help, (if you havenít already). I am serious.

Oh and speaking of holding out hope, you donít have to do that with us either, all you have to do is take in what Iím telling you and try not to see it as a dig or a criticism, try to take it as constructive criticism because Iím on your side, not against you. I want whatís best for you because that in turn is whatís best for me. Then you donít have to have hopeÖÖÖ we can do more than hope for a happy future together we could actually have one

The first thing that comes to mind is 3.5 years . This next part is sorta contradictory to a lot of what Im saying and I guess thatís why Iím so on the fence. Thatís a long long time to get to know someone. Yes we have some bumps but We have so much uncertainty. Doesnít that mean the writing is on the wall? Are we stupid for not seeing it? . It iseems crazy to me to not be sure after almost 4 yrs. But then again itís not crazy because Iím right there with you and I get it. Maybe we donít want to see the truth. Maybe arenít meant to be together. It seems like you canít put your finger on what it is Iím doing incorrectly, and Iíve asked many times. Youíve even told me in a recent email that I donít need to change anything, or do anything to make you feel a certain way. So where does that leave me? If I canít act on it, then I have no recourse but to do nothing. And doing nothing gets me nowhere.

I wasnít trying to dig , but I get frustrated when I feel Iím not being heard ( just like you, I guess). Iím not typing out these emails over the last few years because itís therapeutic for me. I do it to communicate with you and help me, help you, make me happy (and in turn making yourself happy). This is something I wish you would have done for me as well. I have read over emails and texts we sent thought about things a lot. and I see a pattern. say the same thing over and over again. Countless times.---for example. We donít communicate well, I feel youíre condescending, talk down to me, sometimes you have little to no patience with me, you get angry about things that donít make logical sense t i.e. they are not things to get in screaming matches about. And when you donít respond with ďOMG I am SO sorry I need to work on that. Anything to make you happy, etc etc blah blahĒ, I get very frustrated and upset that Iím not being heard and you donít care about my feelings. I wish sometimes you would go through old emails and texts and realize Iíve been saying the same thing, in one way or another, for a long time. And even more important than the apology itself, is the lack of action on your part. Thereís never any change or an attempt at changing. Never looking inward. Iím not just saying these things for my health, I am saying them to HELP you, (and help myself). There are things I think you need to know, and if the shoe were on the other foot Iíd appreciate knowing. I may be unhappy about it at first, but at least Iím aware of the problem and can work on it, either for you or for my next relationship. I see it as Helping you either in your future relationships, or with ours hopefully.

If you could tell me something that could potentially affect a future relationship, or my relationship with you, then I would want to know. Good bad or ugly. So in that spirit Ė and this is not easy to say ,nor is it easy for you to hear, Iím sure Ė and I hope you take this in constructive way, do you see Iím even scared to type it? (and I donít know why because I have said it before) ÖÖÖÖÖÖat times you can act abusive. I say ďactĒ because I know you are not an abusive person. But There are times when I think to myself, if one of my friends were to come to me and say ďoh my boyfriend and I got in a huge screaming match because I spilled water on the stove, or didnít fold the laundry right, or whateverÖÖIíd tell that girl to run donít walk. When I think of things like this I wonder if Iím doing the right thing?. Am I in an abusive relationship? Just asking these questions makes me sick as I never thought Iíd be here. And I know we both have love for one another , so how could it be so? But why am I having these feelings? Why Do I feel like Iím constantly walking on egg shells and worrying about the way I eat, whether Iím smacking, what Iím saying, how im acting, etc. I donít knowÖ.sometimes itís like Iím scared of you. And that scares me.

And yes, You never said I was in the wrong and you were in the right about things. But by NOT saying it, youíre implying you are. Know what I mean? When you arenít apologizing or anything, itís like this whole thing is my fault and Iím the one who needs to change. But I ask what can I do to change and you canít give me a direct answer. Itís crazy making.

I didnít mean to give mixed signals about not talking/vs checking up on me. I know I said we needed to stop talking for a while, but my whole life has changed. Arenít you even a little curious how things are going with me? I can see how you thought it was a dig and maybe when I wrote it I had those intentions, I can see your point. I canít ask for silence then get mad when you give it to me. I didnít expect you to call every 5 minutes, but maybe a text to let me know you miss me, thinking about me, curious how the new living sitch is going, or even that youíre having the time of your life and are happy without with me. Something to give me an idea of where we/you stand. Iím in this gray area where I donít know whether to pick up the pieces and move on, hold out hope for us, or what. I just wanted to know where you stood I guessÖ.even if its just a hi hope youíre well (not that that tells me where you stand, but shows you still care at least a little). I know youíre a good friend and would be there for me if I needed it. I just felt abandoned and when I feel that way, I lash out. I am old fashioned in a way and do feel the man should work harder, take charge, go after what he wants, etc. When I donít see that I think you donít love me. Guess thatís what I meant. And also I feel you love is conditional like I said before. If I am healthy, if I stop smacking food, if I am organized, if I donít complain, etc..

I feel good about myself. I like myself, I think Iím an unbelievable catch (something I havenít thought in years), I think I am special, and irreplaceable. Why am I feeling those things now? I donít want to think itís because we arenít together ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖbut is it?

My friends and people I see semi-regularly have been asking me why Iím always flying solo and where you have been. Obviously part of that is because when weíre doing our own thing Iím going to be with them, without you. But my point is that Iíd bet my life savings that your friends arenít saying those things. Wanting us to work out, etc. And I know guys are different than girls. But do you see that my friends WANT us to be in a relationship together? Do yours? Or are they thrilled that Iím out of your life? Telling you how much fun it is to be single and happy they have a wing man? How can we have a good relationship if you or your friends arenít ďfriends of this relationshipĒ? Does that make any sense? If your friends are telling you , get out now, run, Ė itís better being single Ė you seem unhappy Ė and then you are forced to come over and hang out, you are not going to give me your best, youíll resent me, etc. And then I will feed off of that and then we will have a bad time. Itís like a self-fulfilling prophecy and a would be a never ending cycle.

We would have to stop any cycle as we keep doing the same thing over and over again. It gets better for a little bit then goes bad again. It is so unhealthy for us both.


I donít know if youíll even hear what Iím saying here (because in all honesty Iíve said it in an email before and I know how you donít like to hear things more than once)-----------But-------- I need for you to have an ďahaĒ moment. An epiphany. Realize that you will never find another girl like me. And donít want to. That you are about to lose me. That you are at fault for many of the fights. That you will work on it, your temper, your patience and that you are sorry for treating me in any manner that is anything but respectful and dignified. That you SEE what I am even talking about. (that alone scares me more than anything Ė that you donít see it) That you care deeply about the health of this relationship and are willing to WORK. Not just go out to fancy dinners and go shopping, but stick around when things are crappy, work through things when weíre disagreeing, have patience and understanding with me and not choose to yell or put me down when something happens that you donít like, make me feel treasured and safe and an equally respected partner, make QT time for each other, be happy instead of being right, thankful that Iíve given you a second chance, think that you hit the jackpot. Because it doesnít get better than me. It just doesnít. I donít mean to sound cocky. You may not fully realize now, and sometimes I donít either, but I have faith in myself more than ever and and what I have to offer. People like me arenít on every street corner. Iíve lost my self-worth in the last few years but am now finding it again and realizing that I am pretty damn special. And I have offered it to you. Myself. And itís like Iím just sitting here waiting for you to accept it. At some point a person has to ask themselves why am I offering up this gift when this person doesnít want it. The more the gift is offered and it just sits, the more the gift loses value and depreciates.

All of the above is what I wanted feedback on. That you take responsibility. That you can LIST OUT the things youíve done wrong. That you can TELL ME, what Iíve done wrong. That you can tell me what youíre going to do to try to fix it. Or even tell me to F off and you are done. SOMETHING. You could have just filled out that silly little sentence. You could have told me that you do love me and take me as I am currently (if itís true). You have never said that. That you get too angry too quickly over silly things and you REGRET that. That you mistreat me over anyone else in your life and that you realize its not the right thing to do. That you resent me and will work on knowing why, and helping me help you lose that resentment. Or that you are not happy and you want to part ways. Make a decision.

See Ö.Iím tryingÖ.Iím trying to fix things. Asking you questions, where did I fail you? Looking at myself and wondering what I did wrong. Thinking, researching, talking, praying, everything and anything I can do to fix what I feel is about to be irreparably broken. Time apart is my last resort. Iím scared youíre doing that in this break. You may not have given it any thought at all and you are entitled to that too, whatever you have to do to help yourself. Be it blocking it out completely, and going on about your life Ė or taking a good look inside and try to fix whatís broken. But sometimes itís like you donít even realize that Iím the only one doing any work here. Taking any blame. Trying to sort things out, both with you - and within my own head. You have to ask yourself and find the answers yourself to what your happiness is, what you are looking for and what things you can live with and canít live without.

I feel that we should not communicate until either one of us has not a doubt in their headÖ.stay together, get married or say goodbye. When you know, please let me know . I will do the same

he replies with this

So I need to set a couple of things straight before I leave for the day in case I donít get to finish the rest of this email. I didnít think you were that type of girl, and you wouldnít be at fault if you did that. I canít say for certain that I wouldnít do those things if we were to breakup given our history. And no, we have not talked. Itís not strange, I thought you were referencing that because thatís what she did. And I was never holding out hope for a future together with her. She maybe was, which may explain why she was contacting me. I was done and I would not hold out hope. Havenít heard from her or anything since the ďaccidentalĒ butt dialing incident which you know about.

Our relationship is different. Itís much deeper. There is nothing to be shocked about. You misunderstood what I wrote in my email. I didnít keep you in the dark. I was never interested in a future or holding out hope for a future with her. We really canít communicate sometimes, it drives me crazyÖ

and this is what I get in return

It is frustrating that we have these misunderstandings like we did yesterday. I did read the entire email you sent. Like I said, I just wanted to respond to the first part because I didnít want you to think those things you wrote for a minute longer because they werenít true. The rest of your email deserved a thoughtful and heartfelt response, which is why I wanted to take some time to formulate my thoughts exactly. Iím sorry you thought I was referring to work when I said I need to set a couple of things straight. It had nothing to do with that.

As I have said before, I have never had a connection like we have before in my life. Never cared so much, loved so much, wondered how a future would be together with anyone else. I canít say that I wonít hold out hope for us, because we are one in a million. I know how special you are. How special we are. So if we do decide to part ways, I know I will always wonder what could have been. But youíre absolutely right, we could do more than hope for a happy future together, we could actually have one.

3.5 years IS a long time to get to know someone. So many memories, so much love. Iím not really mindful of or choose to focus on the bumps. I see the happy times more in the forefront of my thoughts. Sure there is uncertainty, but NO ONE ever gets married knowing everything. I think the uncertainty is normal to a point. I donít think that means the writing is on the wall and we are stupid not to see it. I think it means we are mindful enough to know that marriage is a very difficult thing to master. Different personalities, different trains of thought, different people. There needs to be a balance, and that balance can only come from good communication. This is where we fail. We constantly assume or read into what each other says, rather than questioning the things that we may assume and letting the other person give their point of view and explain it better. We need to give each other the benefit of the doubt more frequently. That needs to be more often than not, and right now it is just the opposite.

Youíre saying that youíve asked many times what youíre doing wrong and I canít give you an answer. Or I say, youíre not doing anything wrong. Sometimes there may be something that bothers me, but I donít know how to say it. Afraid that youíll respond in a way that causes a fight. Get offended and tell me Iím a jerk. Resent me for saying something. And I donít want to rock the boat. Sometimes it isnít anything in particular that may bother me or is something youíre doing wrong, rather just a different way to do it than my way. And that doesnít make you or me wrong because we do things differently! So when you ask that question, it seems to be a very macro question, and maybe thatís why I say nothing because I donít believe you can sum it up and say OK, this is what it is and if we fix this we are gonna be fine! I see where youíre coming from about not being able to act on it to fix things. I get that. And itís a valid feeling. But I think itís more of a case by case situation and how we deal with each thing that pops up on our day-to-day journey together.

We do say the same things over and over because it is the things we both agree we need to work on! I.e. our communication. And I am SORRY, for you feeling that I talk condescendingly toward you. I donít intentionally think Iím going to talk that way. No one has ever said I do that, so it is hard for me to figure out why I am making you feel that. Is it possible that you are taking it the wrong way? It could be, given that our communication sometimes isnít the greatest. Is it my word choice? Do you feel that way because I may say things similar to the way you dad says things or my dad says things? I mean, they are both foreign and sometimes my dad says things that I think are condescending but I chalk it up to the way he is translating what he would say in Turkish to English. A lot of times things that are said in Turkish can come across very much that way. Itís just the culture and the way people talk. Itís no nonsense. Almost military like, and everyone does it female and male. So I donít know? Iím not saying youíre wrong for feeling that way. Iím just trying to give you a possibility as to why you may interpret it that way. When you feel that way about something I say, maybe itís best to say it immediately so we can talk it over. Of course I want you to be happy and care about your feelings. You being sad is not good for you, and it isnít for me either. I know you are saying these things to ďhelpĒ, but I canít say Iím sorry for speaking to you condescendingly when I donít know what it is we are talking about. In my opinion, it is more a disconnect between what I am trying to say and the manner in which I am trying to say it, AND what you are hearing and the manner in which you think Iím saying it. Iím not perfect, but Iím certainly not out to get you or make you feel anything less than what you are. I may expect a lot, but so do you. And that doesnít make either one of us a bad person.

Iím sorry but the part of your email where you say I ďactĒ abusive is not constructive at all. If you feel that way, then maybe you should get away from me. Run and donít walk like you would tell a friend. Saying that ďoh my boyfriend and I got in a huge screaming match because I spilled water on my stoveĒ is a total misrepresentation of the truth and you know it. I said you ďshould have listened to meĒ, very similar to ďI told you soĒ and this wouldnít have happened. You took offense to that, saying that I was belittling you for it when all I did was speak the truth. You got offended because you took it to mean me saying youíre not a good cook, or wonít be a good mother, or youíre messy and sloppy, or whatever else. I simply wanted recognition and acknowledgement that when I said the water was boiling over and you shouldnít let that happen or should find a way to clean it or whatever, it was the right thing to do because look at what it led to. The entire apt smelling like garbage for days. Instead of getting worked up about it and reading into what I was saying, a simple you were right would have sufficed. And I know youíre saying well ďyou never tell me that Iím rightĒ, and youíre correct in feeling and saying that and I will work on making sure to point out the times when youíre right more frequently. And this isnít about whoís right or wrong!!! It is simply a point to say that entire situation could have been avoided without any arguing. A simple Iím sorry, you were right. And itís not about you doing a nice thing for me by cooking my favorite meal and me not being appreciative of that. Iím always appreciative of when you do that. After all, I was the one cleaning up the mess because you couldnít stand to have the smell.

If you think I act abusive, or that youíre scared of me then please, please, please letís go our separate ways. I know youíve felt those things in your family structure in the past and I donít want to add anymore to that. There is nothing scary or abusive about me. Never has, never will be. If someone I didnít know and care for were to say something like that to me I would be very offended. Iím not as offended now with you saying it, only because we are trying to work through some things and I want to give you the benefit of doubt because I am not perfect. Iím sure I said some things in anger that I would take back. So have you. So neither one of us is innocent. That word abuse is thrown around quite a lot this day in age and in this pathetic reality tv show of a life we live in America. People donít have any idea what abuse is. So if you think Iím abusive, I would love to meet the person you think isnít. Maybe itís a saint. Telling me that you feel like youíre walking on egg shells around me, thinking about the things you say, smacking food etc. is you saying that you want to not feel that way so I should not want those things. I do those things EVERY DAY. I try to make sure I do think about things before I say them, how I act, how I eat, etc. Itís out of respect for you, and the people around us if we are in public. If I had a habit of picking my nose, or scratching myself, or whatever, donít you think you would want to tell me that?? Donít you think I would want to know? And you make it seem like it happens all the time. It doesnít. But when it does and I point it out, it turns into an argument because you get offended. If you think youíre in an abusive relationship, please leave. That way I wonít ever have to abuse or act abusive to you anymore. Nothing could make me feel happier than to know youíre in a safe environment and donít feel the need to walk on eggshells or whatever. Iím sorry, but I canít be in a relationship where I know the person I am with feels that I act abusive toward them. I would never hurt a woman physically, never have, and that word abuse is more associated with physical than psychological. Psychological is up for interpretation, and physical is obvious. Iím shocked I feel the need to defend myself on this topic. SMH.

Youíre life has changed, I agree. And Iím sorry you felt that our silence or my lack of checking up on you was in any way unloving or uncaring. The timing of all of it probably made it worse. But we needed time to think. I needed time to think. I am curious with how things are progressing for you. But Iím also quite sure that you are doing great because you have a good environment and great friends. You should feel very lucky to have those friends. I have grown to like all of them very much. They all have your best interest at heart. I have missed you, I have thought about you, about us. About my life and my happiness. And at the same time I have just taken a break from the normal routine. Worked on getting my life organized, preparing for 2013, doctors appointments, etc. It wasnít my intention to leave you in a gray area, or abandon you. Iím sorry for making you feel that way. I needed some time away I guess. To get away from the constant bickering and resentment. To forget about the bickering and resentment and remember the GOOD TIMES. Itís all so very hard. I will always be here for you as a friend. ALWAYS. Itís hard to think about our relationship, see the pictures in happier times, and not get sad. I donít want us to be a tragic failure. At the same time though, something has to happen for us to feel both of our needs are being met. I DO love you unconditionally. That doesnít change. The other things of being healthy, etc. are things that I value in my life and hope that I can be with someone who values them equally. That isnít conditional love. They are things that make me happy and are important to me. It may be considered selfish to have those needs and wants, but it is not conditional love.

Iím happy to hear youíre in a good mood more, and are motivated and fulfilled with having someone in your life more. I could tell for a very long time that you were in a rut, because of being deprived of human interaction. I guess that can drive anyone crazy and make them sad. Good to hear you guys are getting to be even closer than before. Like I said, I would do anything for you so youíre more than welcome for helping out with the move and storing the stuff. Also good to hear you reinstated gym membership. Thatís kinda ironic because at the beginning of January LA Fitness could not charge my credit card so they have been calling me incessantly trying to get me to give them a legit credit card. In all seriousness, they have called 17 times. Left 14 messages until my vm box was full. I am so peeved at them for doing that I may just cancel. Itís so rude to call that many times for what, 29.99? Plus I started the insanity workout, and I absolutely love it. Missed only 1 day in the past 2 weeks and I definitely see some crazy results. I have so much more energy and so much more strength in my lower body. Been eating better too. Got a list together of foods that are good for you and I like and have been rotating between them. So things are good for me. Just different without you, and I get sad that I canít share it with you. I think the reason things are going so well for you is the combination of everything you said. You got out of your living situation, have someone around you more often, can share your thoughts and feelings with someone you can trust and gives good advice. Youíre getting out and going to gym to get your heart rate up, and are organized so both your body and mind are stimulated and satisfied. And maybe its because we arenít around each other at the moment. It gives you more time to focus on yourself and your own well being. You should feel good about yourself. Youíre an unbelievable catch thatís for sure. I have always said that. I know you donít want to think its because we arenít together, but like I said itís more than likely a combination of everything. Us not being together included.

My friends have been asking why Iím around more and how things are with you also. Actually, J is the only one that I have spoken about us to. Your ex neighbor B asked why Iíve seen him twice in 2 weeks. I guess he hangs with S and when S calls to see whatís up and we make plans B somehow ends up in the mix. Those guys donít know anything. Just that its football season and the playoffs so Iím around more. t is getting a divorce. Shocker. And J isnít as close with him as he used to be. t is a pretty big mess. We ran into him and he and I almost got into a fight. He pissed me off and after I heard some things that had happened I told him he was a a$$___. So I would expect not to see him anymore, given that the last time we saw each other was over a year ago anwyays. So I guess you lost your life savings on that bet because guys are just like girls in some respect. The friends that I have WANT me to be happy. They want us to work out. J wants so bad to have a girlfriend, he just doesnít have confidence in himself or the people he meets. So when he asks how everything is progressing between us, I think he wishes we would work through our differences so he can have confidence in relationships. Youíve never thought my friends cared about our relationship or were friends of our relationship. That is why you are saying these things. You couldnít be further from the truth though. They want whatís best for me and us. And usually the response they give to any discussion we have is, ďyou guys will work it out, you always do.Ē

I hear you in saying you want me to have an ďahaĒ moment. I do know I will never find another girl like you. I do know that I am about to lose you. And the same goes for you. I think Iím a catch and youíre about to lose me. Thatís why this is a tragic predicament. You think Iím at fault for many of the fights, I need to work on my temper, I need to work on my patience, I need to be more respectful, I need to be more dignified, I need to stick around when things are crappy, I need to be thankful youíve given me a second chance, I need to think I hit the jackpot, I need to stop ďactingĒ abusive, I need to stop yelling, etc. etc. That doesnít really sound like a partner that is willing to work on things. That sounds like someone who feels they are jilted and taken for granted. Well, I feel the same way. So how does this work now? You can say all you want about how great you are, and how special you are, and what does that mean? What does it prove? That Iím not? I think the more you think in this manner, the more we are doomed to succeed. Without coming out and saying it, youíre the one thatís putting yourself on a pedestal. I do know these things, and if I didnít think these things it would be a very easy decision to move on. So you donít have to flaunt or throw it in my face or insinuate Iím an idiot that I canít ďSEEĒ these things. Itís getting us nowhere, and itís only aggravating the situation and pushing me away.

I donít really see how youíre trying to fix things and that Iím not. Iíve taken plenty of blame and it upsets me when you say I havenít taken any. Iím SHARING the blame rather than cast it either way. You are STILL wanting to do that. I donít understand why. Just when I think youíre being reasonable, you flip a switch. Itís really unfair. I will always love you, no matter what happens. But when you feel like you can have fair communication and not cast stones and point blame, only then can we truly move toward a happy future together. Until then, I donít see how this is going to work. Iím so sad againÖ

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 11:17 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
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Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

MASSIVE EXAGGERATIONS

Growing up in nj, we lived in a small town. Like 8,000 people at the time. Big farm land, but not very densely populated. I didn't have many friends nearby my house and I didn't have a way to get to my friends houses unless a parent would take me and pick me up.

Even the Amish around here would laugh at that one.

eta:

Oh I didn't see the update:

Youíre saying that youíve asked many times what youíre doing wrong and I canít give you an answer. Or I say, youíre not doing anything wrong. Sometimes there may be something that bothers me, but I donít know how to say it. Afraid that youíll respond in a way that causes a fight. Get offended and tell me Iím a jerk. Resent me for saying something. And I donít want to rock the boat. Sometimes it isnít anything in particular that may bother me or is something youíre doing wrong, rather just a different way to do it than my way. And that doesnít make you or me wrong because we do things differently! So when you ask that question, it seems to be a very macro question, and maybe thatís why I say nothing because I donít believe you can sum it up and say OK, this is what it is and if we fix this we are gonna be fine! I see where youíre coming from about not being able to act on it to fix things. I get that. And itís a valid feeling. But I think itís more of a case by case situation and how we deal with each thing that pops up on our day-to-day journey together.

LET ME RUN THAT THROUGH MY TRANSLATION DEVICE:

"I can't control your response in a way that I feel is optimal for me so I refuse to tell you anything. This way not only are you still wrong, it's not my fault for being unhappy about it. Also, it's all your fault even if I did tell you because then you wouldn't understand and everything would still be fucked up."

I hear you in saying you want me to have an ďahaĒ moment. I do know I will never find another girl like you. I do know that I am about to lose you. And the same goes for you. I think Iím a catch and youíre about to lose me. Thatís why this is a tragic predicament.

"I am AWESOME and you're okay. You're okay enough for me to maybe want to be with if you do what I tell you, and it's a tragic predicament that you just won't see what a catch I am."

Sorry, some of that wouldn't translate.

You think Iím at fault for many of the fights, I need to work on my temper, I need to work on my patience, I need to be more respectful, I need to be more dignified, I need to stick around when things are crappy, I need to be thankful youíve given me a second chance, I need to think I hit the jackpot, I need to stop ďactingĒ abusive, I need to stop yelling, etc. etc. That doesnít really sound like a partner that is willing to work on things. That sounds like someone who feels they are jilted and taken for granted. Well, I feel the same way. So how does this work now? You can say all you want about how great you are, and how special you are, and what does that mean? What does it prove? That Iím not? I think the more you think in this manner, the more we are doomed to succeed. Without coming out and saying it, youíre the one thatís putting yourself on a pedestal. I do know these things, and if I didnít think these things it would be a very easy decision to move on. So you donít have to flaunt or throw it in my face or insinuate Iím an idiot that I canít ďSEEĒ these things. Itís getting us nowhere, and itís only aggravating the situation and pushing me away.

Translation:

"I put abuse in quotations to show how stupid it is for you to even use that word. You gave me a detailed map to follow but fuck that, you need to do all that stuff too. In fact, you should do that and just fuck off about expecting me to, because asking me to do this stuff is just a way to push me away. I'm too awesome for any kind of responsibility. In fact, I will turn the entire thing around to make it MY problem with YOU that YOU have to fix and never actually once admit to any of this as an issue I need to work on."

Everything he says is laced with emotional abuse behaviors.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 11:17 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

So in this January exchange, I noticed something interesting. He used the words "pin me in a corner." And I think I remember seeing those EXACT same words in one of his communications from today/last night. He doesn't want to *communicate* with you and if you push the issue, then you are "pinning him into a corner." Think of the symbolism of those words. You being a *separate* person and thinking *differently* than him is THREATENING to him.

Ick. Just ick. This guy gives me the creepy-crawlies....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

If you guys only knew him! He's wealthy attractive extremely likable. I was the envy of many many girls and even some guys. Everyone thinks he hung the moon and I'm the one who needs help

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Everyone thinks he hung the moon and I'm the one who needs help

BTDT and *still* living it.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

what is btdt?

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Been there, done that....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

suspicious, listen to your gut. In the emails you wrote you were reaching out to him, and he simply never answered you. It's not about you. You didn't do this to him, you didn't make him do anything.

I was simply asking you to understand me and why I am the way I am.

Honey you DO understand him. You just don't like what you understand him to BE.


And the following? Is chilling. Have you ever seen "sleeping with the enemy"? Holy shit!

Saying that ďoh my boyfriend and I got in a huge screaming match because I spilled water on my stoveĒ is a total misrepresentation of the truth and you know it. I said you ďshould have listened to meĒ, very similar to ďI told you soĒ and this wouldnít have happened. You took offense to that, saying that I was belittling you for it when all I did was speak the truth. You got offended because you took it to mean me saying youíre not a good cook, or wonít be a good mother, or youíre messy and sloppy, or whatever else. I simply wanted recognition and acknowledgement that when I said the water was boiling over and you shouldnít let that happen or should find a way to clean it or whatever, it was the right thing to do because look at what it led to. The entire apt smelling like garbage for days. Instead of getting worked up about it and reading into what I was saying, a simple you were right would have sufficed.

He is so defensive about your very accurate feelings that he was being abusive, he just couldn't let it go! He resorted to outright manipulation: told you that you were exaggerating, misrepresenting, dead wrong, projecting problems from your family on him, being hurtful.. omg,
according to him you are responsible for all the issues in the relationship, period.

And wasn't he unfaithful, on top of all this?

Your SO didn't give your feelings even a milisecond of play, except to belittle them. That's not love. That IS abuse. His response to your hurt about his abusive behavior was itself abusive.

When you become enmeshed with people like this, getting away is much harder than just a normal breakup. I had someone like this in my past and when I see someone getting treated with the same type of abuse patterns, I STILL see red, decades later!

You have the strength to woman-up and say exactly how you feel. Exactly what you need to say to finally let your gut mesh with your mind and your life. Tell him you don't want to marry him. You don't want to date him. You can't fix him, and any explanation you give him will only be a thread he pulls to reel you back in, make you feel like crap about yourself and manipulate. Were I you, I'd leave it as two simple sentences and, if you'd like, a request for him to leave you alone now.

((((hugs))))


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
SouthernGal
Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

BTDT - Been There, Done That


S,

It doesn't matter how good looking he is, how much money he makes, or how everyone else things the sun shines out of his ass.

The fact it, even if you agreed with him on everything right this very minute, he would find another reason not to propose.

Honey, he's just not that into you. He doesn't want to marry you. 4 years into the relationship and no proposal? If he hasn't done it by now he isn't going to. And then throw in the cheating on top of it?

All of his excuses are just excuses because he doesn't want to admit to himself that he's an asshole. If he can give you a "reason" and better yet if it can be a reason that is about something you are or are not doing ... then he's not really the bad guy.

This is all about manipulation of opinions.

But it all boils down to the same thing. He has not proposed to you because he doesn't want to.


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I could point out what I see in all of this, but I'll take the easy route.

I'll point out what I don't see.

I don't see a man who loves you. I don't see a man who is willing to fight for you. I don't see a man who is willing to admit when he's wrong.

I don't see a man- just a spoiled little boy who believes the world should go his way.

All those people who think you have a problem? Their values are messed up. There's more to life and love than looks and money. Find some friends that understand that and can support you in being you, not an extension of him (or some other 'catch').


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10869 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)


If you guys only knew him! He's wealthy attractive extremely likable.

Well we've read massive chunks of his writing and thoughts about himself, so at this point we've got a pretty good picture of raw HIM.

And he's unlikeable.

He's unattractive on the inside.

If he can put on a pretty, smiling face for others, sure it might make him attractive as long as that's all you ever saw of him.

But you've seen inside him, and that's the person you marry, when all is said and done - the inside person. That's where he fails completely.


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I have a hard time believing others don't see glimpses into his dysfunction. They just aren't affected by it so can dismiss it and focus on the parts they can enjoy.

People cherry pick all the time and with no problems. When you aren't close to someone they don't have the same impact.

My mother was a monster. Seriously. She was a psychopathic malignant narcissist. She had 250 people at her funeral.

Many would mention her little "quirks" and "idiosyncrasies" . Very few saw the true horror and even fewer what she was completely capable of. My body is a literal road map of those wonderful times. Scars. Cigarette burns. Lumps even 30 some odd years later and those are just the visable ones.

Point is, these people don't look like they should. The look "human". They're not. Your "arguing" with someone that has an endless supply of military grade weapons and the ability to use them with laser precision. He's not hampered or constrained by the inconvenient things like conscience, empathy, compassion, care.

You fight by putting as much distance between him and yourself. You don't respond because he's reloading and using you words to home into your location. You go dark and run. Otherwise I hope your affairs are in order. I'm dead serious. "People" like this will kill you. Emotionally or physically. For some whatever is easier and more fun.

Please. Don't be a statistic.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I read your emails, you aren't even married yet and you both agree you can't communicate. What, exactly, will change if you DO get married? Practically each line he writes is dismissive of you and your feelings, and all about him.

IMHO, I think you should take his OWN advice and

"If you think I act abusive, or that youíre scared of me then please, please, please letís go our separate ways."

Then again, later in the email,

"If you think youíre in an abusive relationship, please leave."

Yes, please leave.

You don't need his permission (but it seems you do sorta have it in these emails) you just need to trust your gut, as someone already said.

Big Hugs,

-JD



Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2764 | Registered: Feb 2006
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Yes I should have taken his advice. I sent a text saying I don't want to marry him and to stop contacting me. I think he will stay away

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

You've spent 4 years teaching him how to appear human, normal, caring. He is now going to use that to make sure you don't leave him. His ego couldn't handle it. It will end up your fault for not changing, accepting or rug-sweeping.

He is successful and attractive on the outside. I've lived it. I'm trying to leave it. I understand how hard it is when you've invested so much. How everyone thinks you are a fool to walk away. In my case I have to choose preserving my pride and walking with what little self esteem I can carry with me.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 5958 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
BrokenRoad
Member
Member # 15334
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

that he wants you to be more healthy, when you already are, shows that he doesn't even see you the way you are.
that is NO WAY to start a permanent relationship.

You. Deserve. BETTER.

A comment on not wanting anyone else right now: that's ok. It will come and it does not mean you have no chance of a baby one day. Hang in there! Time to do what's right for you, now.

--BR


{Him}FBH - 43 (WifeHad5)
{Me} FWW - 43
2 kids 7 & 12
Reconciled :)
Beauty and folly are old companions.--Benjamin Franklin

Posts: 10425 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Midwest
demos
Member
Member # 35660
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

He's a tool. Move on.


Posts: 133 | Registered: May 2012
fadedrainbow
Member
Member # 9280
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

(((sus247))) Please take the advise of all these wise people who have BTDT. I read through your whole post. I just don't believe love had to be as hard as this. In your first post you referred to his " small asinine lies, nothing to break up over" This man is a liar, believe me you do not want to marry a liar, it is soul destroying. Stay strong and keep NC. You are young and beautiful and deserve so much more than this person can offer. FR


me: FBW
D-Day May 2005
divorced December 2009


Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: UK
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Those that envied you never have lived with him. Never were in a relationship with him. Let them think that he can hang the moon, and the sun and stars too for that matter. You know differently. Let them deal with his cheating, blameshifting and not taking accountability for his actions. It's easy to have people think the best of you if you do not spend time with them and have nothing more than a superficial relationship with them. Who cares. You know the real him, the true him. And I'm sure there are ex's of his that will agree with you as to his real character.

Disengage, separate belongings and discontinue all contact.


Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

If you guys only knew him! He's wealthy attractive extremely likable.
So was the guy from American Psycho.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
EmperorsClothes
New Member
Member # 37429
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I know this will be the hardest time for you, trying to maintain NC.

I want you to know I'm thinking of you and that I can tell by your emails and comments that you are an amazing, strong woman who has an exciting, fulfilling, and PEACEFUL future ahead of her. Hugs and strength.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2012
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

So he responded to my text saying i dont want to marry him and to not contact me anymore. It says

This all boils down to:
1. You dont trust me
2. you resent me
3. we have poor communication
4. theres no compromise on things
5. youve given up on trying to make me happy since you feel i have done the same
6. we dont have each other's back as a team/partner/future spouse should.
7. there is limited mutual respect for whatever reason (combination of all factors listed above)
8. Loss of best friend status due to resentment
9. non existent(sp) ntimate relationship (see all above reasons)
10. we cant get along even because of items above

You're saying that marriage is going to fix these problems. Do you really believe that? Do you think that if we got engaged tomorrow you would never check my email, track my whereabouts through apple, try to catch me in some sort of lie, quit resenting me for the past? All of a suden you will respect me, wont resent me. would want to makeme happy again and be my best friend? because if that is the answer , i really want to know."

WTF


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I should just ignore it? Or tell him yes he's right things are doomed. Or Is this bait? Am I losing my mind?

Yes to all of the above?


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Yep, that's how much he respects your request not to be contacted and that's how much he listened to your statement that you do not want to marry him.

Don't respond.

Remember how everyone said that if you give him info, he'll use it to argue, manipulate and make you feel like crap. Don't fall for it, honey. Cut the line and do your grieving so you can move on to infinitely better relationships.

eta. YES it's bait. He's still insulting you and rewriting your words, hoping you'll defend yourself. PLEASE don't respond.

You've just ended on a strong note that you can be proud of.

[This message edited by circe at 3:30 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
stunnedin12
Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

He keeps saying this isn't about looks. It has to do with living a long and healthy life.

I have not had a chance to read all of the post, but he does realize most anything can happen? I have a dear, dear, dear friend who lived an amazing, healthy lifestyle. She's dead --- cancer, ya know.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 380 | Registered: Jan 2013
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I lost my cool and responded "its all you you you. i play no factor in your thoughts whatsoever. Make "you" happy, respect "you", trust "you". I dont want this one-sided relationship anymore"

I just couldn't help myself. THAT IS IT!!!! No MORE taking bait


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Don't respond.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I feel stupid for responding but I wont do it anymore. I just had a momentary lapse of weakness.

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Now you've got it off your chest, so take a deep breath and post here if you want to respond to him. Come up with funny or mean or just plain true stuff you want to text him and write it all here instead.

Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

It's more than just stop responding, stop reading his texts/emails, stop answering his calls, stop listening.

I get it, I've been there. You've probably been in a similar situation before, were at your total wits end, ready to tell him fuck off, and he'd answer back with some "head-bowed" response of how you were always the better one, he sees how wrong he was, he was no good for you anyway, he's so sorry, blah blah... and in THAT moment, you felt better, you felt it was all for something, that it wasn't a waste, and you were so glad you held on to that moment.

.......and you're waiting for it again.....

....yet ask yourself......if he meant it EVER before, then why are you here now?

He's not telling you anything positive. He's trying to manipulate you in his last text to HIS have consequences for his fucked up actions against you before.

MrWNW doesn't ask me if I'll always be checking his emails, always be checking his texts, never trust him again. He pretty much guarantees I always will, and ... HE'S OK WITH THAT! It doesn't bother him because there's nothing to find.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
EmperorsClothes
New Member
Member # 37429
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

You said "I don't want to marry you. Don't contact me again."

He then contacted you with reasons why you're desperate to marry him.

Doesn't this show you how little he respects you?


Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2012
amitheow
Member
Member # 4691
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Look this happened to me and it's very simple.

I had a bf who had this healthy lifestyle plan. He worked out everyday, ate hardly anything and would glare at me over the table at restaurants. He "encouraged" and "pushed" me too and eventually I found myself in my dark bedroom, eating a clandestine box of chicken wings. NO THANKS.

This is all very very simple. It's a compatibility issue but don't make it about you. Don't be all he doesn't love me becuase I can't be XYZ. Make it about him! I do NOT want to spend all my free time running and working out. I love enchiladas and I think it's ok to eat some once a week.

It's like ... what if he loved to travel and you hated to fly? What if every weekend he wanted to go to a car show and you just HATED it and would rather spend time with your famil or read a book. You're just simply not compatible.

Do you want to try to change yourself for him? Well that's up to you but I didn't.

Based on his history alone I wouldn't even CONSIDER changing myself for him.

I would just email or call or whatever you want to do back and say look, I love you but we're not compatible and I'm not interested in living that lifestyle. You only get ONE chance, don't make a mistake and put yourself into a situation where every day is misery and you're sneaking Sprite and lying about it. TRUST ME I realized that when I was sitting in that bed with my secret chicken wings.

[This message edited by amitheow at 3:47 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


Old Timer, Just here to help
My screen name is: Am I The Ow? - Not Ami the OW.

Because in my situation I didn't know if I was the OW at first or if I was being cheated on. Found I was being cheated on.


Posts: 5077 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: Texas
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Man you guys were so right. He has already responded with this nonsense

1. I said you here because it is "you" that doesn't trust me. I trust you
2. I said you here, but it could go to "we resent each other"
3. I said we
4. i said there is no....no you or we there
5. i said we indirectly
6. i said we
7. there is a limited "mutual" means we
8. no you or we
9. no you or we
10. i said we

besides #1 , #2 (which I conceded could go either way) please explain how and where I am blaming this on you

this relationship is no sided. Not one sided. NO sided....

please someone just shoot me now


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

And the latest text below

Oh I understand, you don't want to marry me and you sure aren't desperate to. I never said you were. Don't worry I won't contact you again


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Oh, man. He's getting desperate now. Watch - have popcorn - he's going to go bonkers now.

I also noticed how you told him you didn't want to marry him and he asked you why you thought marriage would solve everything. How narcissistic can this guy be?


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 5958 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Now, no more responding!!!

NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1957 | Registered: Sep 2011
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

If the relationship is no sided, why is he arguing? Why not take the ending gracefully?

Because he can't handle the rejection. He's supposed to reject you because you're not good enough. He can do no wrong, therefore cannot be rejected.

When you are tempted to reply, to break NC, read the abuse pattern again. He'll come on stronger, then when he gets no response, he will begin the sweet talk. It's likely he'll cycle back and forth between the ass and the charmer and you need to be prepared for it. Block him in every way you can. I know you're curious. You probably even want to see him show grief over losing you. But when it happens, it will be a means to an end for him, not real grief/remorse. That doesn't happen until he owns his issues. If ever.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10869 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
wheelsup
Member
Member # 34809
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Run.

And, stay NC.

Good luck.


wheelsup

DDay #1 03/07/2011
DDay#2 04/08/2011
Four Children
2 DS 13, 8
2 DD 11,6

In Recovery


Posts: 123 | Registered: Feb 2012
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Jesus, six pages (and yes, part me ) of contributions for help in a txt war you both are loading off of for different reasons.

You know, you've gotten some seriously amazing advice from some wise veterens and your response is "oh, and here's another txt. And then is said, and he was all".

Look, you're an adult. This is a fucked up game you're both playing. It can't be played with one.

So, two questions, what are you getting from this and why do you need whatever that is?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Is this text or email?

Is there any possible way you can just not read this anymore?


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

He TOLD you to break up with him. Twice.

You have.

I'm just a little concerned right now that he won't take your "no" for an answer.

Stop responding, but keep your eyes open and your doors locked. He might not go away quietly once he realizes you mean business, and no means no.


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2764 | Registered: Feb 2006
AppleBlossom
Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Have you read the Dance of Anger? It's about people playing roles in relationships, and when one party stops following the rules - ie you - the other one goes nuts.

Keep to your word to not contact him and one of two things will happen:

1- he will go out immediately and claim a new victim, attempting to show you how awesome e is and how wrong you were toned it

2- he will crank up the abusevand anger

Either one shows you he doesn't care enough to fight for you.

Sweetheart, my dad was an arse and I put up with arses all my life because of it.

Break free.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Uncertain - I don't know what I'm doing. I'm so lost. I thought posting here would help. And the advice I've gotten here is amazing. I've read the posts at least 50 times. I'm not trying to get anything out of this other than peace of mind. I feel like my life as I know it is ending and I don't know what to do. So forgive me for the madness

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Circe it's text and it pops up at the top of my screen. I considered changing numbers but that requires some planning since it is my only work number. Plus I'm a masochis. And my mood changes every 3 minutes

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

My friends always tell me when I don't know what to do - don't do anything.

You can begin to deal with this tomorrow. Stop talking to him today, gather your family or friends around and call a counselor to also support you.

And keep posting....

Hugs!


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2764 | Registered: Feb 2006
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I considered changing numbers but that requires some planning since it is my only work number.

We often tell the WS, you'll read it a billion times on here, you gotta be willing to lose it all if you're going to recover. I'm sure if you asked for a showing of hands of who got rid of a car or sold a house or quit their job or moved out of town or changed their number or quit their hobby organizations etc you'd get a hefty response.... spouses willing to do anything to heal their BS.

So I ask you, what are YOU willing to do to heal yourself? I'd be willing to bet a month's salary if he threw a fit, gave some ultimatum, over your number, you'd change it to make him feel better. Are you worth less than he is? Again, as I asked pages ago, have you asked yourself WHY you accept less for yourself? WHY do you accept painful love? WHY have you always accepted less than healthy?


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I've kept interested in this thread because I truly feel you're dealing with an NPD. I almost didn't post because I'm recovering with an NPD. I didn't want you to see that and get hope an NPD can recover. Not just most don't, rarely EVER do any of them, and I keep separating on the table always because I know that fact.

NPD and co-dependents go hand in hand. There's a lot of (a LOT of) brokenness in me that allowed me to stay so long in such an unhealthy chaotic mess. (Won't call it a relationship because it was more a pile of shit that I begged to eat daily than a relationship.)

The only reason I'm in recovery with an NPD is because that NPD did give up everything. ALL passwords, 100% full disclosure, full transparency, full access to anything at anytime, quit social media until he can define what appropriate boundaries are, quit his social organization (and it was his whole life for many years, so that was HUGE, even to my family and friends), got into IC, is setting up MC now......

......and it is STILL rocky, more like tumultuous at times.....

So I certainly, certainly, certainly would NOT even look at another text or email without allllllll those things being put into action....because even then, honey, both of you have a long road ahead of WORKING to get healthy. Better days await. (((hugs))) (...and hug yourself today, too.) :)

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 6:48 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
Matisse
Member
Member # 38338
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

If you guys only knew him! He's wealthy attractive extremely likable. I was the envy of many many girls and even some guys. Everyone thinks he hung the moon and I'm the one who needs help

Suspicious, people who manipulate in relationships are extremely likable. They have to be, if they weren't - no one would let them get close and you have to get close to manipulate people. You have to figure out what makes them tick before you can manipulate them.

My s/o thinks my father is one of the nicest people he's met. He can't reconcile my stories of my father with the man he sees. Most people who know my father think he's wonderful - that I'm fortunate to have such a generous and loving parent. Its very common for everyone to see people like your boyfriend and my father that way. Only the spouses and children see the manipulator.

I learned by the age of 10 that my father used what was important to me to manipulate me. If there was something I really liked, it was either taken away from me or I was berated for liking whatever it was. If something made me feel good about myself, like all A's in every class except a B in gym, I was berated for the B in gym. Suddenly gym was the most important class ever and if I wasn't getting the best grade of all of them in gym, I was a failure. I was in the wrong. I could do no right. I'd never be successful in anything if I got a B in gym. A's in chemistry, trig, french and english were irrelevant, all that mattered was that B because I suck at gymnastics. As we all know, if you can't do a cartwheel, you'll never get into college, get a job or find a man who will marry you. I heard all that. Did the B in gym matter to my Dad? Not a bit. What mattered was I was feeling good about myself and that was a no-no, I needed to be made to feel bad about myself, because you can't manipulate and control people who feel good about themselves.

By twelve, I knew my father's opinion about me was nonsense and what mattered was how I felt about myself. Which is good, but I also learned self defense mechanisms to protect myself - which aren't good. I don't reveal much about myself, especially anything that is important to me. I equate the word 'promise' with 'I'm lying to you.' If anyone uses the word promise in a sentence, I believe they're lying to me. It doesn't matter if it's a plumber saying 'I promise to be at your house at 10am to fix the leaky faucet' or my s/o saying 'I promise love and fidelity.'

Why does the word promise have a different meaning to me? Because of my father. He will want me to do A, so he will promise B (something he has deduced I want - not because I have said I do). I'll do A. I'll go to collect on B and will be told "I lied." Just that simple, he will say "I lied," as if it's acceptable to lie to people to further his objectives, because after all, what he wanted me to do in his opinion was good for me, so I'm wrong in thinking his method of lying to me was wrong.

Your boyfriend's texts and emails are littered with that mentality. The rules of healthy relationships don't apply to him. Never. Ever. He's somehow special and gets to manipulate people and when caught, it's your fault, not his. Always. You need to stay firm and end it with him before you take destructive self defense mechanisms you learned to protect yourself from him into your next relationship.

I read his side of the boiled over pot on the stove and I saw my father's tactics. Your boyfriend used it as a lesson to get you to say he was right. When you didn't, you were at fault. If you had boiled the water the way he told you and it boiled over, it would still be your fault and you would have to tell him he's right. If you had boiled the water his way or your way and it hadn't boiled over, you would still be wrong because the food didn't taste right. You are always on the losing end of any discussion, issue or act because he designs it that way. You have to always be made to see he's all powerful and always right.

You texted him that you were ending the relationship and wanted no further contact with him. How does he respond? Not with "I understand. I'll miss you, I love you, I hope you have a good life. Good bye." Instead, he tells you what is wrong with you and you're the hinderance in making the relationship he has with you work.

You can leave a boyfriend, fiance or spouse who loves you in a way that is unhealthy. You don't have to stay in the dysfunction. You don't have to be loved that way. No matter how strong you may think the love is between you, how good that love is and you won't ever find it with another man - none of that trumps how destructive it is to you.

A healthy, once in a lifetime love is never destructive to you. What you have with your boyfriend is very destructive. Just because everyone else thinks he's the greatest person ever, that doesn't make him so. What it makes him is a person who has learned honey catches more flies with people he doesn't have direct control over and vinegar works ever better with people he does have control over.

If someone has to use honey or vinegar to catch your interest and maintain it - there is something wrong. I'm not talking about being considerate or nice with honey, I'm talking about being overly generous, attentive, etc.

He used honey early on in your relationship with him and about the time when most relationships would begin to think about the commitment of marriage, he switched to vinegar. It has nothing to do with what you did. It had everything to do with he knew marriage was important to you and he could use it against you to control you.

You have now told him the relationship is over. He's going to pull every tactic he can to reel you back in. Why? Because he doesn't want to start all over with someone else, it's a lot of work to gain control over them. Love to him is power and control. He has to constantly prove he has control over you, he will change the conditions hourly.

I know 36 seems old. It's not. You've barely started life. Look at him as a blessing, he has taught you what love is not. Some people get to 70 without learning that. You've learned it early and have decades to enjoy learning what love is, with a man who also knows that love is not control and power over another.

If you must, read his texts and emails he sends for the next few days to reinforce what you have with him is not love. Then block him. Heal your heart and mind and then move onto what love really is with a new man. I know that man is out there for you. I know in a few years you will return to SI to tell us all about him and give hope to everyone else who is untangling themselves from a man similar to the man you once untangled yourself from.

[This message edited by Matisse at 7:25 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 96 | Registered: Feb 2013
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I considered changing numbers but that requires some planning since it is my only work number. Plus I'm a masochis. And my mood changes every 3 minutes

Of course your mood is all over the place - you've invested years into this person and you're withdrawing. Being moody and anxious and changing your mind a few times an hour is normal.

However one thing is for certain: even 6 months ago, judging by your pain-filled writing, your gut was SCREAMING at you that this was not a normal, healthy relationship. Judging by his words about you, you've been centering in on the same issues in him since you've gotten back together: he's not trustworthy, he's selfish, he's controlling, and worst of all abusive. YOU know that, your gut knows that and your mind even knows that. Your heart knows it, too.

But you're grieving the relationship and future you wanted to have. The relationship you did have was controlling and abusive, but you really, really wanted him to hear you and see you and love you, and you wanted it so much you could imagine it perfectly - and of course you wanted to get to that place you'd imagined! Who wouldn't?

But that's not who he is. And that's heartbreaking, so of course you'll keep feeling hope and regret and fear and then anger and resolve, then cycle back again.

But trust in yourself, in your consistent gut instinct that has told you over and over this is not right. Your eyes have been opened, even if you didn't want them to be, and as much as you want to close them again and slip back into your dream, the alarm has gone off and it's time to keep them open now.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts tonight.


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

You go shopping one day to buy a blue pair of shoes. You know exactly what shoe you want. But, you see a little bit different shoe and choose it instead. After wearing it for a while it sucks. It wasn't what you really wanted, but you limp along with this show because you chose it. But, it wasn't what you really wanted.

Just because you are still wearing this blue shoe, doesn't mean you have to keep wearing what you don't like, what doesn't fit right, what looks and feels all wrong.

Get rid of the wrong blue shoe and hold out for the right shoe!!!!

Break away now.

This isn't a good place for you and he will never understand. THat's how you know something is wrong with him. RUN because you will end up like me,,, 52 and WH still doesn't "get"it. He's off with someone else and my 2 sons are devastated....


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1714 | Registered: Jan 2012
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

Ok, Suspi. Let's have a little laugh together, k?
At 2:00 pm, you posted this:
I sent a text saying I don't want to marry him and to stop contacting me. I think he will stay away

Your text was perfect. Very clear and succinct. You pointed no fingers. Your response was "Suspi says ENOUGH. Beat feet, dude."

You posted HIS response at 3:23pm.
He gave you his Top 10 list, which I won't comment on, and then writes this:

You're saying that marriage is going to fix these problems.

Ummmm....what? Remember how I said that he was talking *at* you? Well, that response from him is a prime example. How does he read "I don't want to marry you" and come up with "marriage is the magic answer to all of our problems?"
**cue the laughter** It is ridiculous. It is crazy-making. It is the complete and total mindfuck that so clearly defines an *abusive* type of relationship.

Look. We aren't beating you up. The majority of us have dealt with this exact type of thing. Heck, *I* was *you* one year ago. I was constantly posting the texts that I was exchanging with Sultan. CONSTANTLY. I think that I posted every word we exchanged for about 3 months. Guess what? I got the same exact responses that you are getting. <--Those people were ALL RIGHT. But you know what I did? I ignored them and continued engaging and trying to *explain*. Why? Because Sultan communicated with me in the exact same way that your WBF is communicating with you. Sultan wasn't always overtly abusive.....he responded in the exact same manner as what you are dealing with. His responses are written in order to get you to feel the need to defend and explain yourself......and really all it is, is a way to shift the focus from him to you. Sultan was ACTIVELY fucking another woman, telling me that if *I* weren't so angry that he'd be home and life would be grand.....and I would respond with *explanations* of why what he was doing was wrong. You know what everyone told me? "NC" "Stop engaging" "(really bad words)" and the most prophetic of all "HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE." I should have listened.

Circe nailed this conundrum for you:

you're grieving the relationship and future you wanted to have. The relationship you did have was controlling and abusive, but you really, really wanted him to hear you and see you and love you, and you wanted it so much you could imagine it perfectly - and of course you wanted to get to that place you'd imagined!

The sad fact of the matter is that, due to whatever crazy thought-processes he has, he is not ever going to be able to give you what you are seeking.

So, as UO alluded to, it is time to *take your ball and go home*.

Don't respond to him anymore. Block him in every single way that you can. KNOW that whatever *bullshit* he tries to throw your way is just that....bullshit. He sucks.

Suspi, you know this relationship isn't *right*. You *called* it in those past emails that you sent him....the ones that you pointed out that you thought he was abusive.

There is a member her called Painpaingoaway. She's got some AWESOME spiky stilettos which are much more attractive than the *bitchboots* that we speak of. Can someone *conjure* up those stilettos for Suspi???

Also.....notice how your WBF has very masterfully and subtly *changed* the focus. HE is a cheater....and yet, he's *boo-hoo*'ing over the fact that you don't trust him and feel resentment. And he is pointing to YOUR non-trust and resentment as the *problem*.

*shiver**cough**puke*.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
AppleBlossom
Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

I keep thinking about the very long discussion about the water on the stove. I can just imagine how someone as abusive as he is can make such a drama about something like that. You spill water, he gets nasty about it, then it becomes Exhibit A in Why You Are Not Good Enough. Seriously, any normal person would say "silly sausage", have a laugh about it and help you clean up.

That scenario has been in my mind all day.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

Block his number and black hole his emails.

I bet that in less than a week he will show up at your door to make sure you understand YOU are the one who is fucked up and he is the one who wants nothing to do with you.

If he doesn't then it's probably like quitting smoking. Once you are a week out the world looks a lot sunnier and it gets a whole lot easier to breathe.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

Suspicious, You are lucky to have received so much great advice and counseling here. It would ave taken you six months with a really good therapist to have gotten all of this. Actually, the truth is that no one person could have provided this wealth of perspective and practical advice.

I read this entire thread last night, with the exception of one of the REALLY long letters your boyfriend wrote to you. I just couldn't get through that much nonsense. At the end of reading everything, I was totally exhausted and in a state of mild shock. I just stared at my iPad for about 45 minutes thinking about what I wanted to say to try and get you to see the light.

Really, it's all been said. Now it's up to you. If after reading all of this 50' times, as you have done, you're still confused, then I just don't know what to tell you. So, this stud is wealthy and the envy of many, huh? (so was oj simpson). You had intense times with him and want them to return (heroin provides an intense time, too).

You made a good choice by saying no to him. You told him straight and thst was good. Now, it's time to realize you fell in love with a toxic man, one who lured you in with his charm, money and body. (I'd question the depth of the conversations you had, personally). You have two choices. Keep taking the heroin and pay the consequences, or get sober.

If he won't leave you alone, start thinking restraining order. Maybe he'll understand that.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 11:59 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 803 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
sullymeishadomi
Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

A few things here...

The phone number. I work for a huge company. I am a flexible which means I get my hours at various offices. I also have two kids 5 & 7...one who goes for counceling because he is on the autism spectrum. Im the hub of my household. To sum this up is if I changed my number it would be a humongous pain in the ass! Still, if there was a need to do so, I would. No question about it.

Two, this fools charming behavior...so the fuck what! They are usually charming. Who gives a shit if others think he is mr wonderful and this is all your problem. Let them think all they want to bc they arent living your abuse. Let them step in your shoes and get verbally and emotionally whacked around of they so desire. Save yourself.

Third, which is what I wanted to respond to last night but I fell asleep....the silent treatment. Baby girl, go google the women's crisis and read what are symotoms of abuse. One is seperating you from loved ones (which is what he is trying to do by guilting you into not talking yo anyone), controlling you (at this point, what you eat, but it gets worse, as I tell you from expetience), and the silent treatment which is used to make ***you*** believe **you** did something wrong. Wh did that to me on my birthday 8-9 yrs ago bc I asked him to do something that annoyed or hurt. He didnt talk to me for days. Not 3 days but days. And he was totally pissed off. I didnt know til about two years ago this was abuse. He doesnt do it anymore bc I told him what it was and he doesnt want to get into trouble if we do go bf the courts. He has a great coach or two or more. He does now talk **at** me and wont let me get a word in edge wise. He also tells me things for my benefit. Does this sound familiar? Right.

Change your number. Tell people its bc youre getting out of an abusive relationship. If they say its not something they believe, well they werent in the relationship, you were. Let them go experience it.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
phillygirl
Member
Member # 9078
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

Actually, I wouldn't inconvenience myself any further with this guy by changing numbers and such.

Just go dark.

If you see his text pop up. Get up and walk away from the phone. Go to the restroom, get a piece of gum to chew, find a TV show to watch, anything to distract you from the momentary urge to read and answer. Then when you are more in control, delete it.

No need to say anything to him again ever. You made it crystal clear that you wanted NC and you didn't want to marry him. That was THE RIGHT DECISION.

Think of him as an annoying gnat that keeps buzzing by your face, swat him away (delete the messages) and go about your day.

I also think you should read and re-read the bit below from UO everytime you want to try to reason with him or respond to him, or make sense of his action and words.

I have a hard time believing others don't see glimpses into his dysfunction. They just aren't affected by it so can dismiss it and focus on the parts they can enjoy.

People cherry pick all the time and with no problems. When you aren't close to someone they don't have the same impact...

Point is, these people don't look like they should. The look "human". They're not. Your "arguing" with someone that has an endless supply of military grade weapons and the ability to use them with laser precision. He's not hampered or constrained by the inconvenient things like conscience, empathy, compassion, care.

You fight by putting as much distance between him and yourself. You don't respond because he's reloading and using you words to home into your location. You go dark and run. Otherwise I hope your affairs are in order. I'm dead serious. "People" like this will kill you. Emotionally or physically. For some whatever is easier and more fun.

Please. Don't be a statistic.


Me - BW
Him - WH
Divorced - 7/2013

Posts: 818 | Registered: Dec 2005
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, April 6th (Saturday)

Well everyone, I have updates.

I know I'll get a ton of' I told you so's.' You guys were all right! I should have listened.

After I sent him the message that I didn't want to marry him and not to contact me anymore, I started feeling guilty. I'm too nice for my own good and I didn't want to end 4 years on such an ugly note. He did do so much for me, and we went through a lot of hard times together. So I thoguht sending him the below text would end things on a good note.

"I'm not a mean person, and I dont want to part on such ugly terms. I want you to know some things. These are my true feelings and I can't say whether they are based on a relationship I created in my head or what actually happened. But I want you to know that I will never kiss another guy without thinking of you. And comparing his kiss to yours. And probably never being satisified. When I think I'm falling deep for someone I will think back to us and compare and will most likely tell myself there's no comparison. when he touches me I will think of you and realize there is no comparison to the way you made me feel. Every time I hear the word nugget, oscar, babe and countless words I havent even thought of yet, you will be in my head. Anytime an inside joke begins to form i'll think of all of ours. When Im looking into someones eyes, i'll compare if im looking with the same intensity I looked into yours. When Im hurting I'll always wonder if it hurts as bad as this did. Anytime I have a feeling that makes me feel....alive...i will think back to all the feelings u felt in this relationship. I will never think about mexico or look at the ocean without thinking of you. I will always think of you when passing your intersection. Everytime I cry my heart out and think im going to die, i will wonder if it was better or worse than this.

but unfortunately everytime i dont like what i see in the mirror, gain a pound, find a new wrinkle, or zit, or age spot or I am extremely hard on myself or whenever i think im not good enough or special enough, i will also think of you. And that is why im so sad i coudl literally die. I hate to say goodbye but i dont see any other way"

I then shut my phone off and went to bed. Woke up the next mornign to calls and texts from him. He apparently even came by the house because one text said my light was on and he could see the tv on. He asked that I would give him one more conversation because he wanted to tell me something. Said he knew it was probably the last thing I wanted to do, but would i please do it.

I agreed.

He told me that he read that text 50 times and realized he feels the same way. And aplogized for procrastinating for so long and that he was now sure (and was never more sure of anything) that he wanted to marry me. He asked if I would go away on a trip with him. I was very wary of this and thought it was just a way to buy more time. I asked what the trip woudl accomplish. His repsonse was we could reconnect and hinted at a proposal. I told him if I went on a such a trip with him and there was no proposal I woudl be devastated and he said he understood and was sure that proposing was what he wanted. That he was ready to start the next chapter in our lives. And I was the love of his life.

I was not sure WHAT to think. Confused would be a huge understatement. I told him I needed time to think about it.

The next night he said he was going to the gym. I went to the same gym on a whim bc and walked around looking for him. I didn't see him. I walked around three times and I did NOT see him. So I send a text asking what hes up to, and proceeded to start my workout. 10 minutes later he walks by and acts surpirsed to see me. I dont know something just clicked with me and I got angry. Very angry. I asked where he'd been and what was he doing? I pleaded with him just to admit he was not there and it wss ok if he was at his house downloading music or what ever. I walked out and he followed. He swore up and down he was there the whole time. I didn't believe him. I dont think he was out with a prostitute, it was more like a misrepresentation of where he was and what he was doing which i had had issues with before. with him.

I got in my car to leave and he jumps in the passengers side. I asked him to leave me alone. To please get out. He woudn't. Was swearing up and down he was there and asking me to touch his sweaty shirt as proof. (which is funny bc it did not look as sweaty as Ive seen it beofre). I dont know, I was like really upset about the events of the week and it all came down on me in that instant. It really didn't matter if he was at the gym or not, sweaty shirt or not. I just wanted him out of the car. He swore on his mother's life that he was there and I coudl go ask the attendant . I just said youve done that before (swearing on his mohters life) and he got out of the car without another word.

He Tried calling but I didn't answer. I was so lost and confused. Upset. Hurt. You name it.

I will cut to the chase because this is gettign long again. We spoke last night and NOW he needs time to think about a proposal. I asked why he was so sure just two days before and now this. His repsonse was the gym incident.

I feel like such a fool and am fully prpepared to hear how stupid I am from all of you. I know it. I actually thought he'd seen the light. And you all told me that would never happen. I realize now it won't . and it makes me s.a.d.

theres emaisl back and forth between us that I may post if think it will help. Ones where I outlined all my faults and asked if he could live with them. And his response to all of that.

I dont know what I am looking to get by posting this here. I needed to type this all out. Everyone was right. I should have listened and went dark on him. Never sent that text. But you know I dont regret it bevasue it is the way I feel. I just regret that I fell in love with the wrong guy. He will never be emotionally ready to commit his life to someone. Or maybe he will and Im just not the one. I know this is not supposed to be about me and how im not good enough, but i cant help but feel that way in this very moment.


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 6th (Saturday)

I've been following but not posting.

Okay, so you needed more proof that he's a controlling, abusive partner. I hope you have it now. As long as you play by his rules, he's all charming and ready to propose. But deviate in any manner, such as showing up at the gym where he is *supposed* to be but isn't, and then questioning him about it, and you must be punished. That's against his rules and you are now being punished by his withdrawing the proposal that he might have made on the trip.

Extremely manipulative and dangerous, in my opinion.

If you marry him, this WILL be your life.

[This message edited by sudra at 8:58 AM, April 6th (Saturday)]


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (18), 1 stepdaughter (26)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1380 | Registered: Nov 2010
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, April 6th (Saturday)

If this was all so easy none of us would be here. Emotions and patterns and the way we do things are hard to break.

For some reason unknown to you right now you seem to not be able to stop communication. You text him again and you show up at the gym. Not saying you are not right that he probably was not there but you are the one now who is chasing him....and I mean no 2x4 with that....but just so you can *see* that you are perpetuated your own misery.

Its like we BS's in the beginning of detaching are still testing the WS to see if WE are not crazy. If that makes sense. We keep putting outselves in the line of fire so to speak one more time to see if they really are the assholes they seem to be. But we just did not see it before, whether it was love hormones or that mimicking mirror everyone talks about when attraction first starts or WHATEVER it is we just did not see it in the beginning.

But you ARE seeing it right now, your brain knows it but your heart has not let go. But your brain, that really logical part of you is screaming at you that none of this is right or OK. You are just too nice and too caring to let go and he feeds on that.

You are getting there. Baby steps. Pretty soon you won't want to beat yourself up any more and you will stop chasing him. You will see he was never worth your time.


Posts: 5524 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

youre right i totally asked for this by going to gym and responding to requests to communicate. dont know what to say...

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

Take another read of the abuse cycle. He went hot and heavy with the sweet until he got you hooked again and then the lies and gaslighting started again.

Read up on emotional abuse and manipulation so you can be prepared for what he does next. Despite your text to him, he's not special- he's just like all the other men who try to control.

Four years is a drop in the bucket compared to decades when you choose to spend your life together. One day you will find a man that will make you feel like four days with him should last a lifetime and a lifetime feels like four days because its not a struggle, it's not a fight, instead it's a true companionship.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10869 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

So he wants the girl who will pine and waste away thinking of him, (every man she kisses she will see him....) he wants the girl that will always put him first above herself, who will have to forgive him anything because she is so lost without him, that she could never recover... He wants the insecure girl who will forever question if she is good enough, pretty enough, fit enough...

But he doesn't want the girl who expects him to be where he says he is. He doesn't want to be held accountable. He refuses and withdraws his love.

And what are marriage vows if not a promise to be accountable to one person...?

Seems pretty clear to me, that this is what he is showing you.

I get that you want him to feel what you are feeling - to know what he has done - to see what he is losing. That desire for - if nothing else - at least some sense of closure.

Sorry to say, but I think it is clear, that you are not going to get it. He doesn't understand. He is either unwilling, or more likely, (by what you've posted here)simply incapable of understanding.

It takes a while to wrap your head around that - that someone you love and care for -- someone you would give your life for -- wouldn't do the same after all the years invested, or heck even give you the time of day unless you asked for it in the right way...

But eventually, it will sink in - When you stop bargaining and dwelling on the what ifs... when it can't be denied anymore, when the anger has come and is waning... eventually you come to acceptance and start moving forward. Yes, "we" were right - but only because we've already btdt and wear the T-shirts...

[This message edited by Take2 at 2:27 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4099 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
sullymeishadomi
Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

Im going to focus on something people have not yet honed in on...you admitting your (so-called) faults to him. Thats amunition to an abuser. He can and will use it against you directly or indrectly.

If you dont give this up, you will end up believing what he says about you. Spoken from experience, here.

(((Hugs)))


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

We talked on the phone for 5 hours today. It was hard exhausting emotional. I felt hope sadness despair all emotions one can think of. It was the longest and hardest conversation I've ever had. I don't feel any progress was made either. It was a lot of him sobbing and apologizing then blaming me. I am sucked dry of feelings. I'm just numb now. We left it that he is still unsure of marriage (our fighting being his big holdup - which makes a hell of a lot more logical sense then my attitude towards health. It ended amicably and mutually. We cried apologized to each other for things said, done, hints left unsaid etc. and said i wouldn't wait for him , but if he changed his mind on a future with me to contact me. And only then ...barring a medical emergency. It feels like a breakup all over again and I'm looking forward to the day when I don't wake up with a black cloud over my head feeling no excitement for the day. I don't expect that to come soon, but I need to feel a little improvement so I can feel I'm moving into a direction .

I just want to thank all of you incredible people for reading through my nonsense, giving such sage advice, taking time out of your days to thoughtfully respond to my lame issues. It is really comforting to know there are good people out there who care. This is an amazing group of highly intelligent people who help without asking for anything in return. Ill be forever greatful for finding this forum.

So from the bottom of my heart, thank you all!!! I know ill be ok one day. I'm going to post the last email exchange we had. Not to soloicit advice from anyone, just so I can have this all in one place. I have a feeling I will read this thread 100 times by the time I am done.

Windows thanks for the ebook. I read it last night and it did make me feel better. If anyone else has recommendations for my situation let me know. Looks like ill have a ton of free time on my hands now. Love to you all and if I'm able to help in anyway I'm more than willing . Just shoot me a pm. I've been at this so long, I've turned into quite the little detective.... I surprise myself sometimes.

Xoxox susp247


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

My email to him

I feel there are some things you need to know about me. My flaws. I am aware of them, after all I am my worse critic and you know that. And Iím not saying I wonít ever fix any of this stuff. But when considering planning a life together, you need to take the ďpresentĒ me not the ďpotentialĒ me.

im bad at remembering to pay bills
i am a messy cook
i like to eat unhealthy stuff and spoil myself at times

i will never get too fat because my father left my mother for exactly that reason. And it has affected so deeply me in ways I can never explain .I have had multiple eating disorders. If it literally kills me, no one will EVER divorce me bc i am too fat. You have no way of knowing how that feels because it didnít happen to you, but this is very very serious.
(because you had mentioned something similar as a term for marriage I went to a very dark place and im not sure im out of it yet)

i will be VERY protective of my kids if Iím so lucky to even have one
i will not back down when i perceive you being unnecessarily mean to me. I will stand up for myself.
i dont fold the laundry perfectly
i am not the most ardent cleaner. I will most likely not clean things to your standards
I like to do things fast and efficiently. I am different than you. You take your time and do things thouroughly. I am NOT built that way. My mind does not work that way.
i will be forgetful
i love salt
i love bubbly things to drink it makes my stomach feel better
i donít love working out
if i have a health problem and medication can help, i will take it.
Sometimes I donít feel like answering the phone.

I need you to think about whether these things are going to make you angry to a point where your mood is affected for an hour or even a week. (think about how mad you got when I didnít keep the doorway clear when moving Ė when I told some people close to me that story they were horrified)
If you see yourself getting angry at these things and them affecting YOUR mental health, then we just arent a match. Plain and simple.

I need you to accept blame. You are not perfect and sometimes you act like you are. Like you can do no wrong and anything that has happened that is wrong has nothing to do with you. You are a master at shifting blame. You need to be accountable. It wont be the end of the world if you did something wrong and you are to blame. I would probably cry tears of joy if I got angry about you for something and you didnít turn and try to make it my fault. You are seriously so good at that.

You really do need work on yourself and you need to admit that. I need to work on myself too. It scares me so much when you canít admit things. If you could just admit that you have some problems it would make me feel 1000% better. Because if you know you have issues then I can live with that. But if you have issues (being controlling is one that comes to mind Ė also needlessly disrepectful) and you deny them completely that is something I cannot live with. not for very long anyway.

i will not be told by another human being what to put in my body or not put in my body Ė obviously not talking street drugs or drinking 7 days a week

if i feel youre not attempting to really understand me i will shut down. You donít want that. You will not be happy if im not happy. There is truth to the age old idiom Ė Happy wife, happy life
i will smack my food at times
I will get animated and talk too loud at times
i will ruin something like a pan or a countertop again
i will be wrong
I will embarrass you at some point

i need a gentle soul who is forgiving patient and understanding and i need you to REALLY think about that and whether you can be that person because i
wont be happy and the relationship will fail at some point if that is not what im getting. I also need to feel that my
opinions, thoughts, feelings are valid and top priority of yours. This is not a wish list, these are my boundaries and cannot go without them. ever.

You have to do some self realization. That you can be very cold hearted and disrespectful. It creates this vicious cycle bc I will not be talked to disrespectfully
without fighting for myself. I saw too much of it growing up and it unleashes a beast inside of me. An extremely mean, angry person with words that can cut deep. I donít want that to ever come out, but
both myself and my brother and sister are this way. and we can really explode when disrespected or pinned in a corner. I have seen myself do it and I have seen them do it
and it is scary for all involved. you have no idea how we grew up and you need to be considerate of that when your temper flares up.


i will periodically check up on things and verify because my trust was broken and i can never blindly trust again. to anyone. that
part of me is gone for good. You should not get angry about it because it just looks like you have something to hide.
it shouldnt faze you that i want to look at something because there is nothing bad to hide.

Im going to do things you disagree with or dont like. because i am not perfect. unless i slept with your best friend or hurt one of your
loved ones, you cannot berate me, make me feel unimportant, or less than good enough. You can get angry all you want but you need to deal
with how you get angry. and silent treatment is not the way. It is a form of mental control.

you like things done your way and i need to be able to do things my way too- i am different than you and i will want to do things differently

you need to care about what i was missing and what you could do to make me feel happier. not only that, because really i tell you without you even asking asking. But you need to LISTEN to me when
I'm telling you what I need to be happier. Love, patience, unconditional love, honesty, quality time, RESPECT. A public promise that you will love me forever.

I am a smart person and I will know if you are listening to me, working on things, or not. I will react acciordingly.

Please please please. This is IMPORTANT TO ME. This is the rest of our lives we are talking about. Our happiness. Our legacy on the universe. Think about these things.

If you still want to get married after youíve thought long and hard, then I am available April 29th to go away for however long you would like. I dont want to plan it myself. I dont want to plan my own proposal. That is not how it should go.

This part is up to you and the ball is now entirely in your court. If saying these things, or after thinking about these things Ė you change your mind. That is entirely ok. What I ask of you is to TELL ME. DO NOT KEEP ME IN THE DARK. iF YOU ARE NOT SURE THAT MARRIAGE IS WHERE YOU WANT TO BE RIGHT NOW THAT IS OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I do feel that is what youíve been telling me both directly and indirectly.

What is NOT OK is not telling me that just because you donít want to lose me. I am ready for the next step, and these are my boundaries. I cant be your girlfriend anymore. Not one more minute. If it scares you to marry me then DONíT. you will be happy without me, please donít think that you wont. Time heals all wounds.
And I will always have a special place in my heart for you


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

His response (this is all before the 5 hour conversation) and mom if you are reading this I'm sorry.

You have said a ton in this email so I will try to take things and respond to them the best I can.

I have flaws as well. I am stubborn, fiery, arrogant at times, have a big ego at times, have ocd, I need organization and structure in my life or else I go crazy and won't feel fulfilled or find it easy to relax. I'm ocd about cleanliness and will spend a lot of time getting things the way I like/want them. I am a perfectionist in most everything I do, and this is a big flaw because no one is perfect and everything is imperfect. I try anyway. I get silent at times.

I understand your feelings about your past family history. I can't imagine what that would feel like and I'm sure it affected you deeply. I know this is very serious for you, and I can't really relate, but I can sympathize. While I may not agree that you starve yourself, or it forces you to have an eating disorder, I can see how those emotional feelings would lead you to take drastic measures. I know you already know this, but eating disorders are very serious. They can cause much more damage down the road as compared to the short term benefit a person may think they are getting. I'm sorry if I said anything to you that caused you grief and brought back memories of the past regarding this topic. I didn't mean to take you to a dark place, and I hope I can help bring you back.

I will be most protective of my kids. And I'm sure you will be blessed to have one if not multiple. I don't expect you to back down about something you feel strongly about. It is never my intention to be unnecessarily mean. I do fold laundry and clean to a higher standard than is necessary. But that doesn't mean we are doomed. I'd like to think I'm very efficient in doing things. After all, we run a company pretty darn efficiently. So while you may do things fast and efficient, and I may take my time with certain things and are still efficient, it is mostly because I don't want to do things twice. I would rather find a long term solution to something that is a problem, fix it, and not have to worry about it for awhile. This is how I have always been, and my job has required this of me since I can remember. Again, not problems between us, just different ways of doing things.

I forget things too. The older I get I feel my memory getting worse. I know you love salt, and the only reason I mention anything about it to you is because I have "personal knowledge and experience" with people in my family who cannot eat salt anymore. My dad, my grandmother, and my Dad's cousin in Turkey all cannot eat salt anymore. I'm not saying that will happen to you, but if it does you may be very disappointed to hear a doctor tell you that you can't salt your food. I'm sure it would be devastating knowing how much you like it. The only reason I say ANYTHING to you about food or exercise or whatever is because I want the best for you. It is in my nature to want to look out for people that I love. I am the same way with my parents, my sisters, and well pretty much my family because I don't really say much to anyone else. Well maybe Jason, but everyone messes with him because he's so out of shape he can't keep up with the crew skiing/snowboarding.

I try not to take medications if I can help it. I do like to workout, play bball, go skiing, play golf, play tennis, etc. If you tell me I'm not putting you as a priority because I like to do these things, I get defensive and feel you're being controlling. In the same way that you feel I'm being controlling for saying something to you about eating right or working out. My solution to this, and I apparently didn't explain it very eloquently, was to do these things together sometimes so we can spend more time together and satisfy your feelings and mine. I can't make you do anything, it was a suggestion.

Regarding the door topic, we were there helping you move and I asked you a favor to please don't put things in the walkway and keep the door propped open so that it is easier for us. If you asked me to do you a simple favor similar to that, I wouldn't ignore it a little while later and do the opposite. I don't think you did it on purpose, and you may have forgotten, ok, but it did come across as selfish that you wouldn't want to make it easy for us to help you move out by ignoring my request. I don't think this is a big deal in the long run and it shouldn't be.

I've admitted many times I'm not perfect. I do make mistakes and I am at fault sometimes. I feel I am accountable.

I need you to not treat me as if I'm a parent sometimes. You are very good at talking back and throwing a few digs in. Maybe its your defense mechanism or you're used to it from your family history, but it comes across as really disrespectful. I know you're going to say, well you treat me like a child sometimes and talk down to me. And my response to that would be I don't ever mean to treat you as a child nor do I consider you less important than me or any other "lesser" you fill in the blank. If I say something that you interpret as if I'm speaking to you as a subordinate, ask yourself why I would say what I'm saying. I don't ever want to make you feel less than something, and I always have your best interest in my heart and mind.

So if a doctor told you to take "folic acid" during pregnancy because it is good for your unborn you wouldn't do it?

Same thing with me. If you're not trying to understand me, I will shut down too. And probably become silent. You don't want that either as I won't be happy and you won't be happy. Happy husband, happy life.

I will mention to you if you're smacking you food at times. I would want you to tell me if I am doing the same so I can stop.
I will mention to you if you're being a little loud at times. I would want you to tell me if I am being loud too.
I will make mistakes and break something or damage something too. This is human nature and it isn't the end of the world when something happens.
I will be wrong too. And I will embarrass you at times as well.

I need a sweet, kind, forgiving, trusting, thoughtful and loving person. I need you to think about whether you can be those things to me. If I don't feel I am getting those things I will shut down and the relationship will suffer. Similarly, I feel that my opinions and thoughts and feelings should be important you, at the same level as your own. Not less, not more.

You have to realize that not everyone is out to get you. And that not everyone has had a childhood that is exactly like yours. Being cold and disrespectful to someone is all about the other persons interpretation of what is cold and/or disrespectful. I don't intentionally try to disrespect you, or act cold to you. If you are having those feelings, it is important to say something and try to figure out why you are feeling I am doing that. For someone that I love, I wouldn't blow you off if you told me there was something I said that you took as being disrespectful. We may disagree on what is respectful and disrespectful, but we would avoid a confrontation and avoid "unleashing the beast". No one wants that.

Checking up on me periodically is a form of distrust. If you say this will never change, I have a problem with that. The reason I would get upset about this is not because there is something to hide. Its about the fact that I don't want to live my entire life with someone knowing they feel the need to check up on me until the day I die. If I'm the father of your child, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you or our child. I don't believe in getting divorced, it is one of my biggest fears.

This is not the part that is up to me. You have your conditions/boundaries and I have mine. This is a choice we should make together with promises to each other to work on the shortcomings of our relationship. I'm not asking you to plan your own proposal. That's ridiculous. That isn't how it should go.

The things I want in this relationship are Love, respect, trust, forgiveness, being considerate, and letting the unimportant stuff go. Understand that we are a team. I'm not out to make you miserable. I need to feel that mutual respect that you have my back; in everything. And I will do the same.

You say time heals all wounds. Do you really feel that way? You know I will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart for you too. You're the only person I have ever fallen "in love" with. I know we both have things to think about. I have said I'd like to let bygones be bygones, start anew, begin a future together and take the next step in our relationship because I truly believe love conquers all. But I do question now is that what YOU want? It seems from this email that you are stating "conditions" for marriage, not any different than the things I was saying to you. While you do try and explain your personality and why you do things the way you do, there are points where you come across as dictating to me what I need to/should do or else. And if those things aren't accomplished, then you won't be happy, and I won't be happy, and we will fail. I understand each of us have our wants/wishes/boundaries, and we are both different people. But "laying down the law" as it comes across in some parts of your email is like already accepting defeat and setting things up for failure. I wish your view was more positive, but given our history I'm not sure if that's a pie in the sky wish. I never dreamed we would be in this situation. I'm sorry for all that I have done to bring us to where we are now, and I hope that we can work through these things and move onto happier times because we both deserve that. With love. K


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

If anyone else has recommendations for my situation let me know.

My advice is not to do anything, but sit with it. Please don't contact him, meet with him, message him, listen to him. Let him be. It's the only way you are going to begin to heal. He will make you question every decision you have made if you do. No contact.

You are going to swirl for a while, it's ok.
S.W.I.R.L:

S.W.I.R.L. is an acronym which stands for the five stages of abandonment: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting Ė introduced in JOURNEY FROM ABANDONMENT.
1: SHATTERING Ė Your relationship is breaking apart. Your hopes and dreams are Shattered. You are devastated, bewildered. You Succumb to despair and panic. You feel hopeless and have Suicidal feelings. You feel Symbiotically attached to your lost love, mortally wounded, as if youíll die without them. You are in Severe pain, Shock, Sorrow. Youíve been Severed from your primary attachment. Youíre cut off from your emotional life-line.
2: WITHDRAWAL Ė painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin withdrawal Ė - each involves the bodyís opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation Ė - the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.
3: INTERNALIZING Ė you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with ĎIf only regretsí Ė - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.
4: RAGE Ė the turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to Reverse the Rejection by Refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and feel surges of Rage against your abandoner. You Rail against the pain and isolation youíve been in. Agitated depression and spurts of anger displaced on your friends and family are common during this turbulent time, as are Revenge and Retaliation fantasies toward your abandoner. Your Outer Child is spurred by abandonment rage and becomes very active and potentially desctuctive. New Outer Child patterns may set in.
5: LIFTING Ė your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons youíve Learned. And if youíre engaged in the process of recovery, you get ready to Love again.
A word of caution: When you Lift, it is important to take your feelings with you. Otherwise you Lose connection with yourself once again, creating an internal barrier to others.
You S.W.I.R.L. through the stages over and over within an hour, a day, a month, sometimes a period of years Ė - cycles within cycles Ė - until you emerge out the end of the funnel-shaped cloud, a changed person, better able to find love than before.

http://www.abandonment.net/swirl/

My other bit of advice is to read - a LOT. Read here, read relationship books, self-help articles, read Baggage Reclaim.

A few ones to get you started:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-insanity-understanding-why-you-feel-tempted-to-go-back-and-repeat-your-pattern-with-your-pain-source/

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/it-started-out-so-great-why-cant-he-go-back-to-being-that-guy/

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-someone-keeps-presses-the-reset-button-on-your-relationship/

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/standing-by-your-broken-man-part-one/

(I have more if you need them!)

Also, keep yourself busy. Find some new activities to fill your time. Concentrate on you now instead of him.

You can get through this.

Hugs!

-JD


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2764 | Registered: Feb 2006
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

lol, all his stated imperfections are thinly veiled brags.

Then he calls you fat.

Then he asks you if you think you can measure up.

Man, this dude must have a trillion dollars and a penis that can sing a Sammy Hagar and Louis Armstrong duet because Barney fucking Stinson would punch him in the mouth for being such an ass.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

@JustDone you had me in tears. Because you just put into words the way I've felt for a long time and couldn't articulate. With the exception of a few items, I've been feeling one or more of those stages at any given minute, week, month for the past 2+ years. Except not much on the "L" part. To say I have been on a roller coaster is an understatement. (just look at my past week). I've been feeling this way since we reconciled. I was never able to fully forgive and trust him.

And by the way that should read "if anyone has any BOOK recommendations". I dont plan to do anything with regards to contacting him whatsover. I've done this before, in Jan we didn't talk for 4 weeks. I was just looking for books that are empowering and I will read all your links. Thank you so much for the info.

@Stillgoing - you had me laughing. I thought the same thing about his imperfections and I didn't even realize he called me fat! He's never come out and said "you're fat". All the countless times he discussed health with me I asked if he was saying I was fat ( I mean I'm a woman) and he'd always so 'no'. But maybe he does think I'm fat. wow


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

susp, I'm not going to read your latest round of emails because I know they represent the same abuse cycle he just put you through a few days back.

He dangles marriage in front of you like a carrot, you discover him in a lie and stand up to him and he whisks the marriage-carrot away and tries to cut your feet out from under you to show you your proper place in his mind - beneath him. When you show your vulnerability, he responds with bragging and insults to keep you in your place.


We cried apologized to each other for things said, done, hints left unsaid etc. and said i wouldn't wait for him , but if he changed his mind on a future with me to contact me.

Seriously, after all this you're still waiting for him to propose? Susp, he'll dangle marriage in front of you for ages, and even if you did get engaged, he'd punish every one of your normal quirks and reactions with "maybe I'm changing my mind" and "maybe we should call off the engagement..."

This cycle, these arguments, his lies and manipulation (he told you you can't even believe your own EYES at the gym! Clearly he wasn't there, or else he'd have seen you walk past him 3 times) this dark cloud you wake up with - will be your life.

After having been in a relationship with someone like him, I know the breakup is the very worst. As terrible as the relationship is, the breakup is more painful than you'd expect. I think I drove my friends half nuts when I was trying to break up with my abusive ex. It took far longer than I care to remember. I used to write "You cannot marry him. You will not marry him" in my journal because I was scared that after a particularly exhausting fight I would mistake the calm after the storm for actual peace or love and agree to marry him. In my rational mind I knew it was the worst thing I could do. But being in that kind of relationship warps your perspective. People like him work very hard to warp your perspective, to better keep you under their control. So climbing out of that hole is a psychological as well as emotional feat of strength. It takes a lot of perseverance. And in the "fight stage" of the abuse cycle, you don't have a lot of extra energy to do good things for yourself.

What is he doing to address his infidelity and dishonesty, by the way?


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

Circe - I know. I thought about that after we got off the phone . Shouldn't have said it. Shouldn't have thought it. I understand how insane it sounds. That's about all I can say. I still have feelings for him, I cannot lie. I guess there will always be a part of me that wishes he is enlightened one day. it's "pie in the sky" to use his words.

As far as what he's done as far as the infidelity. Huh? Nothing. I asked for passwords and wouldn't provide. He explains it in many of the emails I have from him. (Even the last one I just posted) He doesn't want to live his life with someone checking up on him. Says it's not healthy. So i got the passwords myself.

Funnily enough I had them for years and finally admitted I had them this week. He immediately changed them when we got off the phone. Then a few hours later texts me the new passwords. One for Find my iphone and for his hotmail account. I am still shaking my head at why he provided that.

I asked for public declaration on facebook, which I got. but I have since deleted my facebook.

And I wanted to meet his family which I have now many times.

I guess the only thing he's done is "not" do anything wrong again. No calling or flirting with girls ,no representing that hes single when he's not....etc

and dishonesty? what dishonesty? hes not dishonest at all!! And will never ever admit that he is.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 7:52 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

A few more things to read:

The Abusive and Semi-Abusive Relationship:

http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/gettingpastyourpast/2011/09/the-abusive-and-semi-abusive-relationship-3/

How NOT to Apologize when you have Seriously Fucked Up:
(Does this seem familiar to you? )

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/apology.shtml

The Direction Of Happiness -
Leaving A Relationship:

http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2011/26692.html

15 Reasons to Run for Your Life:

http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/11/14/15-reasons-to-run-for-your-life/

A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not "Crazy":

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

Man v. Mouse: ďin sickness and in health,Ē as long as we are healthy:

http://www.lovefraud.com/2013/04/04/man-v-mouse-in-sickness-and-in-health-as-long-as-we-are-healthy/

Why you don't have to have sex to cheat:

http://www.today.com/id/18039274#.UWDBTI75KbA

My Dearest BananaheadÖ:

http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/gettingpastyourpast/2012/09/my-dearest-bananahead/#more-12927

Keep going....
Hugs!!


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2764 | Registered: Feb 2006
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

Suspi. Many of us have mentioned abuse and the cycle of abuse. Have you done any reading about that at all? It's a quick google search away.

And your wannabe-WF is a manipulative, self-absorbed, whiny dick. Just sayin'.

@Circe--> your words were amazing.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 8:21 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

Yes I have done nothing but read intensively since last night. Things are really starting to sink in. He's sick. I can't fix him. There is no solution and that is a f ing shame. I'm continuing to read. Feeling so stupid

Circe I second that, I commented to my mom that your earlier post moved me to tears


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

You know, Suspicious, I do think you need a trip away. Away from him.

Listen, you're making this much more didficult than it needs to be. You obviously don't see it, but it's very plain to see. You two are not well suited for each other. And, my God, you don't see this either, but your boyfriend is an asshole. I can barely stand to read what he writes to you. I read a few lines and just say, "Jesus, this guy is so full of shit."

He would be a terrible husband, unless he found some way to marry himself. He would be an even worse father, because being a good father requires giving yourself (your time) to your children, not making them do what you like to do, so they can be lucky enough to get some of your time and attention.

Your boyfriend may be rich, but he is also poor in so many ways.

I hope the best for you. Winning him, is only losing your very soul.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 803 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

Suspi. You're not stupid. You were manipulated. There's a difference.

Re-read the emails that you posted earlier. Only this time, think of the game 'hot potato'. THAT is what he did. He didn't set the potato that you threw down, cut it open and dig into it.....he threw it right back at you.

He doesn't listen. I'll bet that if you really think about it, you'll realize that every conversation that you've had with the guy is an unproductive one. Heck if you read his email response to you on its own, it doesn't even seem that it's *in response* to anything at all.

He sucks.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

The more you engage, the more he reels you back. You've gone from, "I don't want to marry you. Don't contact me" to, basically, "Please love me. Please love me!"

You're caught up in a toxic cycle--- one that you are making the dangerous mistake of confusing with passion and love when, in fact it all about controlling you. A site I found helpful is outofthenfog.net--it's for people who love someone with personality disorder.

The book most helpful to me was The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson; I believe she's the originator of the SWIRL theory.


[This message edited by solus sto at 11:23 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]


BS-me, 52
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 7967 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
veritas
Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

You offered up every insecurity you ever had to him, and he offered up restrained responses to them.

If his responses were genuine, they would be unrestrained. They weren't. You gave him emotion, and he gave you "logic." You have no defense for your feelings, whereas he can come up with infinite ways that he is being logical.

That's the endgame of a lot of WS behavior. When confronted with being in a relationship with someone who isn't as sick as them or come up with reasons why their behavior is wrong, they hit at the lowest level. The reptilian brain operates on that level; communication and therapy don't. That's why revenge affairs are equally understandable and repugnant to me.

This guy is hitting you where he knows it will hurt most, and trying to make it seem like he's helping you, or collaborating. He's not.

[This message edited by veritas at 11:42 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 4:13 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

He's sick. I can't fix him.

I disagree about the sick part. Not all selfish, self-obessessed perfectionist, arrogant assholes are sick. When it comes to marrying a man like him, I believe it would be a huge mistake.


Posts: 5580 | Registered: Apr 2006
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

I don't mean this as a 2x4, but please stop making yourself vulnerable to this man. I had to skim your email because I felt sick that you confessed your "faults" to him. That is nothing but ammo to him. It gives him more to hurt and control you with!

I suggest that you work on respecting yourself. Once you do, you will realize you deserve a man who feels lucky to have you, not one who makes you feel like you have to aplogologize for yourself.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6167 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
SouthernGal
Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

Suspi,

You wrote:

We left it that he is still unsure of marriage (our fighting being his big holdup - which makes a hell of a lot more logical sense then my attitude towards health. It ended amicably and mutually. We cried apologized to each other for things said, done, hints left unsaid etc. and said i wouldn't wait for him , but if he changed his mind on a future with me to contact me.

I'll say it again. His lack of a proposal/intent to marry you isn't because you're fat, you're not committed to health, or because y'all argue.

He hasn't proposed because he doesn't want to marry you.

His interest is in controlling you and seeing how long he can play this game with you. How many times can he keep reeling you back in? How many times more until you're the totally broken person he needs to be in control of?

Right now you're still fighting him and his control. Thus he has no interest in marrying you.

Make no mistake about this. He wants you broken. Think of marriage to him as a cult. He wants to completely break you and then retrain you the way he wants you to be. No independent thought, no fight left in you ... no resistance to him doing whatever the fuck he wants.

Then and only then will he even seriously consider marrying you.

He hasn't proposed because he doesn't want to marry you.

This isn't rocket science here. If he was really that into you and wanted to marry you, he'd have made some move in that direction by now.

You need to stop talking to this guy. You need to stop letting him twist your words around. You need to stop letting him abuse you. Stop letting him try to break you.

He isn't going to change. You cannot change him. You cannot fix him. And unless you're willing to surrender everything that make you, you ... you cannot be what he wants you to be.


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

He doesn't listen. I'll bet that if you really think about it, you'll realize that every conversation that you've had with the guy is an unproductive one. Heck if you read his email response to you on its own, it doesn't even seem that it's *in response* to anything at all.

THIS!! You hit the nail on the head (not to say all the other posts didn't) but I have NEVER and I mean NEVER felt our conversations were productive and we've talked for thousands of hours. 5 hours was our longest but it wasn't unusual for us to talk 1-2 hours on the phone. Going in circles. The guy has been dirving me crazy for a long time. And he couldn't even respond to my faults on the phone he had to go home and have my email in front of him and respond by email. I even told him I dont want an email, and asked why he cant just speak from the heart. And he says I wrote him an email, so he needs to write an email back. huh ok. whatever

And I GET that it is really over. And he is an asshole and treats me like shit. I don't want a future with him anymore. I knew he had these issues before, and I was willing to live with them because I loved him and wanted someone to love me. Its dawning on me that I need to cut him off completely. Forever.

I almost want to let him know so he doesn't hold out hope or try to act like a 'good' boy because there's a chance of reconciling with me. He mentioned on our last convo he was looking at rings an proposal locations and I really don't want him to surprise me with anything. Is sending him a text or email saying there's no hope of us getting back together and I'm moving on a bad move?

I just don't want him showing up at my house with a ring and tears in his eyes. That sounds like my worst nightmare at this point in time.

I have a feeling I have not heard the last from him and he will make this break Impossible. This is a long road ahead. Impossible to break free and won't take no for an answer. (I know from experience - have tried to leave many many times)


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

He has all my furniture and clothes in his warehouse. And my rommate's mattress. Now we dont need these things until October but it is best to get them now or wait until then?

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
SouthernGal
Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

I almost want to let him know so he doesn't hold out hope or try to act like a 'good' boy because there's a chance of reconciling with me. He mentioned on our last convo he was looking at rings an proposal locations and I really don't want him to surprise me with anything. Is sending him a text or email saying there's no hope of us getting back together and I'm moving on a bad move?

I just don't want him showing up at my house with a ring and tears in his eyes. That sounds like my worst nightmare at this point in time.

I have a feeling I have not heard the last from him and he will make this break Impossible. This is a long road ahead. Impossible to break free and won't take no for an answer. (I know from experience - have tried to leave many many times)

What follows is going to be a 2x4.

Seriously? After 8 pages and nearly 160 message of the same advice (NO CONTACT) you're asking if you should contact him to make sure he knows it is over?

Really? Are you serious?

Look you don't strike me as a stupid woman, so stop acting like one.

Has contacting him to clarify things, or reassert yourself ever worked? Ever? No. It hasn't.

Because HE DOESN'T LISTEN TO YOU. He hears what he wants to hear and he does what he wants to do ... because up until now that has worked. You have shown him that that's the acceptable way to treat you.

DO NOT CONTACT HIM. Period.

This isn't rocket science.

You think you've not heard the last of him?

Then take the advice you've been given and change your damn phone number. So it is hard to change it? So what? If you really don't want him to contact you and you really don't want him to show up crying and begging you to marry him (which I think is what you do actually want to see happen) ... then make it clear that it is over by making it harder to contact you.

My god. You've been given the same advice page after page after page ... take it already.


Edited to add:

The only contact you should have with this guy is to get your stuff - and you should do that immediately. Don't wait until later as that only opens the door for more contact.

[This message edited by SouthernGal at 9:27 AM, April 7th (Sunday)]


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
ToTrustAgain
Member
Member # 15167
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

Suspicious, my heart goes out to you. I just have one thought after reading this entire thread:

Relationships shouldn't be this hard.


Obviously, relationships go through rough patches and even complete devastation (aHEM, why we're all here.) But at this point, you are mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. It makes sense, logically, that you're returning again and again to the same behavior/cycle - hell, it's all you've known for the past 4 years. It takes time and practice to change those thought patterns and behaviors. It absolutely can be done, but it's going to take some work on your end.

I think you and he have lost sight of the main issue here - that he CHEATED, and has no interest in helping you heal.

Not to mention...he's MEAN to you.

You're doing great by starting to honestly look at the situation in its reality - keep it up, and hang in there.


"We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."

Posts: 81 | Registered: Jun 2007
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

Here, lets pretend he does surprise you.

You're at Disney, enjoying your life, hanging out, the Magic Castle show starts, and he has spent a good chunk of his trillion dollars and mesmerized the Disney staff with his singing penis so he can swoop out of the tower on a jetpack and inflate Drive-in Theater jumbotron screens to hover in the air to project his awesomeness for what you know is coming next: his proposal to you!

You say, right there in front of ten thousand people, many of them dressed like princesses and rats and strange creatures whose names escape me, in a laughing voice, merrily twinkling:

"No."

Because even if he did all that shit do you really think it'd be about how special he thinks you are? I'd put money on it being about him showing off how awesome he is. If he wanted to show you how special you are he'd apologize for hurting your feelings and give you a hug. Apparently it'd be cheaper to shop for fist sized diamond rings and jetpack proposal settings than it would to just apologize, though.

Stay NC, and if he does surprise you, Just Say No. Like he's heroin without the fun part, just the big diseased fucking needle that will drive you into a chemical freakout.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

He wants you broken. Think of marriage to him as a cult. He wants to completely break you and then retrain you the way he wants you to be. No independent thought, no fight left in you ... no resistance to him doing whatever the fuck he wants

^^^THIS!!!!!

If he calls. Don't answer.
If he shows up. Don't answer.

He mentioned on our last convo he was looking at rings an proposal locations

He's manipulating you.
And it worked...because you started worrying about being *surprised* by something.

This guy is BAD, BAD NEWS, Suspi.

Just. Say. No.
Don't JADE: justify, argue, defend, or explain yourself. He doesn't want to hear it. He WON'T hear it.

Wipe this guy off of your *brain-map*.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Question  Posted: 2:01 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

Its dawning on me that I need to cut him off completely. Forever.

I almost want to let him know so he doesn't hold out hope or try to act like a 'good' boy because there's a chance of reconciling with me. He mentioned on our last convo he was looking at rings an proposal locations and I really don't want him to surprise me with anything. Is sending him a text or email saying there's no hope of us getting back together and I'm moving on a bad move?

I just don't want him showing up at my house with a ring and tears in his eyes. That sounds like my worst nightmare at this point in time.

I have a feeling I have not heard the last from him and he will make this break Impossible. This is a long road ahead. Impossible to break free and won't take no for an answer. (I know from experience - have tried to leave many many times)

................

He has all my furniture and clothes in his warehouse. And my rommate's mattress. Now we dont need these things until October but it is best to get them now or wait until then?

As you said, you have to cut him off completely.

Then you go on to bargain for four ways in which you can talk to him again!

You already know this, but read it again: YOU talk from the heart, he doesn't listen. There is no "one last time" with him. You already ended it with him and HE DID NOT CARE.

Last time you ended it with him he didn't even listen to you. He simply used your words (and it doesn't matter to him which words they were, break up words or words of love - if you're talking to him at all, he'll use it) to manipulate you into heartrending emails and 5 hour phone calls in which he once again tries to crush your pride and your free will. And that's what he'll do again when you call to "tell him it's really over".

From your other statements - he won't let you go, he'll make it impossible, he'll keep reeling you in - there is one thing you are forgetting. This is not the HIM-SHOW. His feelings do not matter in this situation. YOU are in control of this. YOU are the one who is leaving him. He does not get to "force" you into a relationship against your will.

Do you know what you call an ex boyfriend who won't take no for an answer, who keeps calling and showing up at your front door - tears and ring or empty-handed - despite your forceful requests for him to leave you alone? A stalker. It's illegal.

Do you have a male friend or coworker? Do you have a female friend with a kind husband? If so, regarding your stuff, I would simply tell him that two friends will be available on whatever day to pick your things up from his warehouse. One of those friends should be a man. Not for protection, exactly, but because men like your SO always seem to have a different "act" for men than women. They are usually more threatened by men and wary around them. My strongest advice would be for you to not go with them.

Whatever you decide to do, just know that you have a good support system here on SI and if you feel like sending him a text or email, why not just post it here first and get it out of your system, and maybe that will make it easier not to end up in another run-in with him?

[This message edited by circe at 2:06 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

This guy is batshit crazy riding the fucking crazy bus with a "i am the president of the crazy club" button on.

This^^^^

I've just read most of this thread (skipping over the tediously long and narcissistic passages from Me-Boy) and I have to say MY BRAIN HURTS.

Suspicious, you've given this freak wayyyy too much ammunition with which to hurt you.

And it's working! Look at how you're hurting!

Sweet Jesus, please, run far and fast, change your number, block him from your email, get a restraining order and get on with your life.

This man won't stop until you are a smoking pile of wreckage.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
Celebrating 60 years on Earth

Posts: 16634 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

I disagree about the sick part. Not all selfish, self-obessessed perfectionist, arrogant assholes are sick
No, but some are. Whether he's personality-disordered (sick, though in a way not particularly amenable to change, and usually worsening with age) or an asshole is ...well, tomato, tomahto. Either way, his behavior is sick. Whether he's able to change it is the only real question. Central to change is the desire to change. He is clearly demonstrating that that's not among his plans. So whether he's sick or an asshole is moot.

And Suspicious's response, currently, is sick, too. The good news about that is that she can change; she just has to make the decision to do so.

Suspicious, you are mistaking crisis and chaos for passion, and thinking that this "passion" is a marker for love.

Your interpretation is faulty. He doesn't love you. Not the way healthy people love. He loves how he feels when he manipulates you. He likes winning.

The thing is, relationships are supposed to be partnerships of equals who wish only the best for one another.

This man is not a partner in any sense of the word. He is positioning himself to be your opponent. On a good day, perhaps he relishes the role of benificent teacher. That's not the role of a romantic partner, either.

Can he learn to love healthily? Maybe. But not if he is not strongly motivated to to so--and his behavior and words demonstrate NO willingness or desire (or ability) to do so.

Without very strong motivation, nothing will change. Ever. Are you okay with spending your life with a man who's just peachy with the notion that there's something wrong with you---and who uses that as justification lying and cheating---and blaming you?

Please, Suspicious. Stop translating chaos, crisis, and abuse as love. It may create the same heightened feelings as some of the more positive stuff associated with love, but it's as far from love as you can get.

He does not love you. He loves controlling you.

Once you detach and regain your equilibrium (something you will find very hard to do as long as you are still giving him audience), you will see this very clearly.

If he is unwilling to be the man you deserve, please work to accept this sooner rather than later. He's shown you who he is. Believe him.

[This message edited by solus sto at 6:36 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]


BS-me, 52
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 7967 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

Hi suspicious.

I want you to try something

Buy a new phone with a new number, give all your friends etc your new number. Keep the old one going for this wanker.

Then I want you to go NC for two days, see the activity on your old phone.

ETA: my friend actually did this it helped a lot

[This message edited by lauren123 at 12:07 AM, April 8th (Monday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 817 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, April 8th (Monday)

I'm going to post every damn text I get here. Didn't hear from him at all yesterday ē. Today this-

I'm going to make an appointment to see a professional. Would you be open to doing a couple of sessions together if suggested?


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, April 8th (Monday)

Did you reply? If not that's great I would of had difficulty not replying!!


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 817 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, April 8th (Monday)

Suspi,

All I can tell you is what I would be thinking if that text was sent to me right now. "Thinking" because I wouldn't respond....

Would I have been open to couples sessions a long time ago? Yes. Am I now? Absolutely not! I'm not about to sit in a room and have you use a professional as the next weapon to manipulate me with. I don't need validation that you're a twisted fuck. I know enough. NC NC NC

Feel free to go and read my thread "R may be ending..." I broke away from mine this week. Feels great. Sending strength your way. Good luck. (and a gentle reminder, I still believe you should just stop reading his anything.....stop listening and stop giving him a door to hurt you.)


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, April 8th (Monday)

I am in shock. He never believed in counseling. Ever! And I don't see him even being honest with an ic. He can't even be honest with himself.

And no I am not responding. Nor am I going with him.

Guys I've been reading a ton and I realize he will never ever change. Narcissism IS his personality. And from what I read that never goes away. They are harmful people and I've been in a war zone for years. Sleeping with one eye open, pleadig with him to treat me right, crying, numbing, isolating, going crazy. I realize I can never ever go back to that relationship . It's not healthy for me


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, April 8th (Monday)

I realize I can never ever go back to that relationship . It's not healthy for me

Good, now you're aware. Once you're aware, you can't become unaware. Even if you relapse and return, it'll forever change how you view him. You'll only get stronger and more self-loving from here. Your self-worth will return, and once it does, you'll protect it just as you would your own child. You're worth it. Keep moving forward.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, April 8th (Monday)

KUDOS on not responding. That's step one of NC. Here's what you can expect now.

1. He'll ramp up his attempts to get you to engage.

2. He'll promise the moon and the stars (e.g.: suddenly willing to do counseling) in order to hook you again. I'll see if I can find the Hoovering thread to bump for you about this tactic.

3. When you consistently maintain your NC, he may turn from carrots to sticks. This can be anything from talking shit about you to friends and family all the way to stalking, threatening, or actually lashing out at you with physical attacks or property damage. And before you say, "Oh, he'd never go that far," stop yourself cold. He could. It has happened many times to members here. There is no such thing as being overly cautious in these situations.

So, all that is stage 1 of NC, and that's likely plenty for you right now.

Stage 2 of NC is removing him from your own thoughts and actions. That's the more difficult part, and it's damn near impossible when he's still actively trying to engage you. But for now, pay attention to your thought processes. Take note of how often you catch yourself thinking about him, your relationship, etc. You will astonish yourself with how much real estate he has in your brain.

Hang in there.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22672 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, April 8th (Monday)

When I get to the sticks portion of texts and emails . The nasty side when he's mad that I'm not budging. I can totally see him going through all his bank statements and add up all the fancy dinners (we did at least one every weekend) the trips, the jewelery, all the things he helped me with financially and saying.

" I spent $93000 on you during the course or our relationship and this is how you repay me?"

That's going to be the hardest stick / branch/ trunk ever bc it's a main reason I stayed for so long

Not bc I'm a gold digger. I make a good living. But because it was very generous of him and I interpreted that as love in my warped mind

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 7:44 AM, April 8th (Monday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, April 8th (Monday)

Since you are getting support here he is seeing the change in you. He knows he's losing his hold on you and he will use whatever trick he can think of to reel you back in. This time it is counseling. Next time it will be something else that will make you say "He never ever believed in such and such but he's willing to do it for ME!" then you'll think he has finally changed so you should at least hear him out.

This cycle will continue for as long as you'll let it. It's cat and mouse. You run he chases. You run and hide and he pulls out cheese to tempt you. You cave and he thinks "Ha. That was fun".

Everyone has a price. He is a successful businessman. He knows that if he keeps offering, you will eventually sell out. The more you wait the higher the offer becomes. marriage proposal, love, attention, children, counseling, fancy trips ... What's next? Maybe he'll offer to buy you a house and tell you that your future kids will live there. I don't know what's next but I know there is more up his sleeve. Why? Because he will win at all costs! It is not in his nature to lose and, in his mind, to lose will feel like death to him. He fears that it will destroy his very soul if you make the final decision to end it. His goal in this game is to get you back so HE can toy with you and break you again. That feeds his power hungry nature and reinforces in his own mind that he is the greatest man ever.

The trick for you now is to see him for who he really is, not for who you really wanted him to be. Imagine for a minute that he didn't have success, power and money. That he just had a normal job with normal devoted friends. That he lived in a normal house and ate what normal people eat. Ask yourself, would I still tolerate this person treating me the way he has for 4 years?


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 5958 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, April 8th (Monday)

This may be silly -- just a suggestion -- print out some of his really obnoxious statements and our responses to them (especially the funny ones), enlarge them, and tape them to your bathroom mirror. Then tape up your statements re how you're going to ignore him and how bad you know he is for you. Maybe put this a few places around your house, places where you might feel weak. Do you have friends to support your resolution to dump him? Do you have habits to keep your mind off him? (Oh, and start going to a gym that you KNOW he won't go to.) Join a club, start some new healthy habits. (Healthy in mind, I mean.) And maybe go to IC yourself to get the all the toxins you've accumulated over the years from this guy out of your system.

Good luck, and STAY STRONG!


BS (me): 49
WS: 50
Married: 25 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, April 8th (Monday)

Good for you, susp!!! No, don't respond!!

I totally agree with windowsnotwalls that people like him use IC as yet another weapon. He does not want to go to fix himself - he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. He wants to go to trap you into a professional agreeing WITH HIM that you are the problem. And manipulators like him can get a clueless IC to eat up the superficial charm, become part of "his team" and then both will turn on you. PLEASE don't go with him, no matter what. Oh it's just the worst. It is part of what happened to me with the partner I had who sounds eerily like your SO, and probably eerily like the NPD/abusers of most people who have encountered them.

I also agree with nik that you need to be prepared for him to up the ante, and shift around quite a bit in his methods to entice you back into the abuse cycle. The only thing you can do to break it is stay out of it completely -NC. No other action works. No conversation, no counseling, no "aha" moment, nothing. Just NC.

In my case, and I know others have had similar experiences, my own relationship with this type of person only ended when he completely shocked me by throwing something at me - hard - when I tried to walk away from an argument. He was NEVER physical before -he was a pacifist, he meditated, he was a kumbayah health nut like your SO, he came from a wealthy family, he was skinny and biked everywhere rather than drive - NOT the profile of a physical abuser. I was shocked when it happened, literally couldn't believe what I'd just experienced. I was so shocked I told my friends, and they took pictures of my back and told me that they would go to the police if I ever saw him again. And so I wanted to "protect him" and "not ruin his future" and that's how I ultimately went NC, so my friends wouldn't report him to the police. Pathetic, right? It's like I escaped through some wormy enabling back door. But within 3 weeks the fog cleared and my reasons for NC shifted to being ashamed I had been with him so long, embarrassed at what it took to end things and disgusted by the thought of him. It took a couple of years to fully recover though.

I think you're stronger than I was though, susp. And smarter. And for sure you have a huge amount of backup in the people of SI and those who have experienced this themselves. My own friends were operating from tons of caring, but not much experience in abusive relationships. I feel like if I had known how typical my pattern was, and how dangerous, and how likely to lead exactly where it ultimately led, I would have been more resolved to work through the pain and end it with dignity, instead of the way it actually happened.

So please take care of yourself. Please don't think "he would NEVER..." fill in the blank. He might. And even if he doesn't go anywhere physical, his verbal, emotional and social manipulation may escalate to the same point. If you can cut it off, mentally, NC completely, just draw a line and hold it, you can avoid a lot of hurtful, harmful moments.

Are you in IC by the way?


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, April 8th (Monday)

Mostly because I was embaraased that my baby sister was marring a guy she knew for one year and Im no where closer at 4 years with mine...

...i could not wait, not one more day, to be proposed to

THis getting married business seems very high on your list of goals.

Do you have others? (goals? Interests?) Can you review them and bring them way up your list, you will need the distraction in the coming days of doing other interesting things that remind you how good life is.

And spend some time counting your blessings. You discovered his solipsism, narcissism, control,and abuse relatively early into the relationship, and before you had got shackled through house ownership, children or any other complicated commitment to this man.

I encourage you to spend some time reading in the NPD thread down in I Can Relate to see how lucky an escape you have had and also to go and post a hello in New Beginnings, there is a great crowd down there who can help you feel excited about your new beginning.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 8th (Monday)

" I spent $93000 on you during the course or our relationship and this is how you repay me?"

If he did pull that on you, you can just smile because you are not a whore, nor are you a slave. A whore would think of repaying in sex, a slave would repay in servitude. An authentic free woman would know that she cannot be bought or sold, her freedom is her natural-born right.

You are a free woman. Hold your head high, Hon!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, April 8th (Monday)

Susp,

You're doing great. Your eyes are opening. Stay strong. This is a good path for you.

I had one other thought to share regarding any potential marriage proposal from him. I understand that you're not thinking along those lines now, which is very good. The thought is that if he were to propose (perhaps as art of his plan of escalating to "win"), just have in your mind that it is not a real proposal. In other words, he would break the engagement before you two were ever married. Yes, he might give you a big ring and/or make a big display, but he would not follow through. Why? Because you argued with him again, or he saw you drink a milkshake, or you are too thin now, or you don't understand him the way you used to, or because the magic is not the same, or because of something you wrote in one of your emails, or because ...

Many people on this site, myself included, have had to deal with something you're dealing with, which is, the person we were in love with was not and is not the person we thought they were. Admitting that and embracing it is difficult, but empowering.

I'm very proud of you.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 803 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, April 8th (Monday)

Not bc I'm a gold digger. I make a good living. But because it was very generous of him and I interpreted that as love in my warped mind

How is it generosity if he keeps the receipts to throw in your face like that?

That's not generosity, it's just another hook.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, April 8th (Monday)

I'm reading "why does he do that" and holy shit. This should be required reading for every female . I'm In utter disbelief . The writing is all.over.the.wall

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, April 8th (Monday)

I mean seriously. Is this like horoscopes where you can relate to all of them? I'm flipping out

not that I haven't been flipping out this whole week/month/year/relationship.

I am in a constant state of confusion and this book is almost making it
worse. Like could I really have been that naive?

How could he fit almost every single type?

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 4:54 PM, April 8th (Monday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, April 8th (Monday)

I'm not sure what to do. Read more , respond here. I thought reading more and enlightening myself would help me answer with some kind of clarity. It's like ....should I spend time on this thread, in npd area, reading about emotional abuse? I'm overwhelmed at the choices and just realiZing that I have been in a war zone for so long. And how destructive this has all been for me. No I have not responded to his request for counceling. Yes I am planning to go to ic. Have been many times to many different ones throughout this relationship. None has really helped but maybe I was in denial. I can't even remember what they told me other than to read "women who love too much" and I did . And did NOT relate.

I'm in sensory overdrive or something.

And I plan to respond to every question asked of me on this thread . Just as soon as I get a grip

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 5:08 PM, April 8th (Monday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, April 8th (Monday)

And my father did not leave my mother because she was "too fat". She's following this thread because I demanded it. She didn't want to read my posts from years ago. Sorry mom that is true. But my father was an ass who treated her like shit and she gained weight and was abused by him too. I was marginalizing her experience to make a point to my ex. It was way deeper than she got fat and he left her. But all you are so smart you know that. Sorry mom. You should talk about your experiences here too. It helps I swear

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, April 8th (Monday)

You're doing great, susp. It's ok to choose just one or two things to focus on rather than get overwhelmed with info.

I've never heard of that book, but wow, the first review on Amazon was dead on what people here have been saying, especially about couples counseling. I'm so glad you're finding things to relate to and great information!

If you're overwhelmed, why not just choose one or two places to immerse yourself. The book and the NPD thread? Or wherever you feel comfortable. Get through the crisis time, hon. You're doing just fine.


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, April 8th (Monday)

Susp,

Calm...

Calm...

Calm..

Your eyes have been opened and the light is blinding you. You are overwhelmed. Yes, you are confused as to how you could have not seen more of this before. Give yourself time to figure it all out. You loved, you trusted, you hoped, you wanted, you tried, and you gave. But you did not see what was real. Now you do. Take time to figure it out for yourself and use it to grow. Maybe make this the starting point with the IC.

For now, prioritize.

1. Protect yourself from more injury from him. Do this by completely eliminating him from your life, which you are now doing.

2. Start finding ways to heal. You have been injured. Start to heal yourself.

I feel for you, because I know you're hurting and are in shock. This is a lot to try and absorb in a short period of time. Be kind to yourself. Calm.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 803 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, April 8th (Monday)

Someone mentioned the "new beginnings" thread but I feel like I belong in "jfo".....even through my dd was 3 years ago on 4/20

Hmmm

Ha I just realized a he will use 4/20 as an excuse for my behavior and think ill get over it like the past 3 yrs. I can see the text now. I got one exactly like it last year

" you've been acting 'off' bc it's our cheating anniversary" ( paraphrasing for effect)

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 10:37 PM, April 8th (Monday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)

On the one hand it's great that you can identify the pattern for what it is, and try not to be taken by surprise.

But on the other hand - you no longer have to predict, anticipate, fear and stress over his next move. You can be done with that now. That knee-jerk "what move will he pull next, and how will I react to it" response can be dismantled.

You no longer have to read his texts.

You can put all the focus and energy you used on him, back onto yourself. Focus on you. Focus on learning, recovering, finding peace.

Don't worry about belonging to a single forum. Just read a bit and see what jumps out at you.

Do you have a good NC plan? I'm thinking you still have your same cell number, so do you have friends and a support system to help get through the rough times?


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)


But on the other hand - you no longer have to predict, anticipate, fear and stress over his next move. You can be done with that now. That knee-jerk "what move will he pull next, and how will I react to it" response can be dismantled.

You no longer have to read his texts.

You can put all the focus and energy you used on him, back onto yourself. Focus on you. Focus on learning, recovering, finding peace

^^^yes. This. Do you feel this way, yet, at all? This is when you start to reclaim your "head space". You'll have to get to the point where you feel safe, safe in that you know he can no longer hurt you. Do you feel any of that, yet?

My opinion, btw, is that new beginnings is not for you now. You're still in a crisis. The last thing you need now is a new beginning. It reminds me of when I told my best friend that my wife had cheated on me and that we were getting a divorce. After saying he was sorry to hear that, etc., he said, "Oh! Oh! What about Suzy? She's single and....blah, blah." I just said, I'm ready yet. It's been more than a year and I'm still not ready yet. I need to heal a bit more first. In any case, new beginnings is not for you right now, IMHO!

Good luck handling today. Give 'em hell (which, of course, is the opposite of my advice to "calm")! Sorry about that! Good luck with today.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 803 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)

Like could I really have been that naive?
People like him are VERY good at what they do. Very. If they showed you who they really were from day 1, you would be gone before lunch! They know how to act, how to appear not only normal, but appealing. They are exceptionally good at working people and situations to their agendas.

As for naive - you took him as he presented himself. You took every interaction at face value. You had no idea all the machinations behind the scenes because he was so very good at cloaking them. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

That doesn't say anything negative about you. You trusted. You accepted. You believed. Those are good traits in a healthy relationship of equals. Problem is, that's not the relationship you had.

Keep breathing, honey. Take this stuff in doses, give them time and space to soak in, and continue to live your life. Go for a walk. Watch a movie. Laugh yourself silly with friends.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22672 | Registered: Aug 2011
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)

You can put all the focus and energy you used on him, back onto yourself. Focus on you. Focus on learning, recovering, finding peace

As the poster who suggested New Beginnings, this is what I meant, and still mean (as NB is not about new relationships with significant others, rather about a new relationship with oneself). And that is about introspection as well as keeping a dialogue and relationship with a wider world. I was also the poster who suggested the NPD thread as that can also be very much about celebration of self as well as helping to understand the roots of one's initial vulnerability to the disordered other. (For example, the roots of Suspicious's need for marriage, and in particular for a proposal at all costs, and why this led her to ignore the croakings of the frog in prince's garb until they became too loud to drown out).

And so I do not feel she is 'in crisis', but rather an awakening, even if a little bewildering at first, where it is not the Prince's kiss that has awoken her, but rather the sharpness and clarity of her need to survive and thrive, and to no longer ignore the underlying disquiet.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)

Edie wrote:
I do not feel she is 'in crisis', but rather an awakening, even if a little bewildering at first, where it is not the Prince's kiss that has awoken her, but rather the sharpness and clarity of her need to survive and thrive, and to no longer ignore the underlying disquiet.

You should write a book, lol. I love this. It's exactly where I'm at, and Suspi, there's plenty of room here in this place. We can enjoy this space together.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, April 15th (Monday)

Hi Everyone....

It's been a while since I've posted. I hadn't heard from him in a while and I haven't reached out to him either. I spent my time reading self help books, trying to decompress, keeping to myself and reflecting on everything that has happened. Read old journals regarding him, old emails etc etc. Just to remind myself of how insane I felt and how unhappy I was.

Until yesterday

I got a text from him last night and I was too scared to read it. I finally summoned the courage to read it today and here is what it states. Interested in your opinions? I am thinking I should just not respond so as to not open the lines of communication.

Just to remind everyone, the last text he sent me was asking if I'd be willing to go to counseling.

Last night's text read

"Hi dont mean to disturb you but I have been wondering why you didnt respond to my question from earlier. Do you feel like it would be a waste of time? ((yes)) Did you not get that text? Are you just over it? Is it too late for that option?"

I actually thought I might not hear from him again, it has been a while since I heard from him.


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, April 15th (Monday)

Don't respond. This guy has shown you who he is repeatedly.

You deserve more. Much, much more. Stay the NC course!


Posts: 627 | Registered: Sep 2010
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 15th (Monday)

He's ramping up the dangling carrots.

Be prepared for more of the "I really thought you were the woman I wanted to marry. But if you aren't willing to go to counseling then you aren't who I thought you were" assaults. He will attempt contact so he can see you in pain. He needs that like he needs air. I'm so sad you have to put up with this especially since it is designed to make you question yourself.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 5958 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
SouthernGal
Member
Member # 27315
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, April 15th (Monday)

There is a very true saying here at SI. NC = No New Hurts

Stay NC. Replying only invites more pain and more craziness.


BS (Me) XWH (him) M nearly 16 yrs
1 DD (teens)
D-day #1 12/09, #2 2/10
Divorced 10/6/10

Posts: 3862 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The Deep (Fried) South
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 15th (Monday)

You've said he's a smart man, so I'm sure you know that he knows what is going on. You've told him how you feel, you've said everything there is to say. There aren't any misunderstandings. He's looking for you to be weak, to miss him, need him, think he's changed enough to pull you back into the horrible, exhausting cycle.

You deserve to decompress, heal, become happy in yourself again. The only way you can do that is to keep yourself emotionally safe right now. And the only way you can do that is to keep your boundary up and maintain no contact.

I remember being scared when new texts would come in. It sucks. It's not a normal dynamic. There's nothing loving or trustworthy about that.

Keep doing what you're doing and maintain NC - it's a healthy path for you.


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, April 15th (Monday)

He is fishing. Here fishie, fishie, fishie...

Gee, suspicious hasn't been suspicious lately, I wonder what she's up to?

Please keep up the NC..

"if anyone has any BOOK recommendations"

Have you read Dr. Phil's new book?

Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World:

Itís time to learn how the world really works, not how you wish it worked, not how it should work, but how it really works. If youíve been doing everything ďby the book,Ē and your life still isnít where you want it be, youíve been reading the wrong book. Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World will empower you to become a leader of your own life, and just as importantly, protect yourself and those you love.

ďLife is a game ó and you will either be a player or be the one played,Ē explains Dr. Phil. ďYesterdayís rules and expectations about relationships, emotions and interacting just simply donít apply any more, not like they used to Ö and those who figure that out and adapt to the current world will have an incredible edge.Ē This book will create an urgent awareness within readers, and help them become street-smart and savvy.

Life Code offers readers a rare glimpse inside the minds of ďbad guysĒ we all have in our lives, in the form of a ďSecret Playbook,Ē that spells out exactly how the users, abusers and exploiters think and act. But it goes so much further, revealing the ďSweet 16Ē powerful tools that the worldís most successful people know and use on a daily basis to get what they want and keep it.

Hugs!

-JD


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2764 | Registered: Feb 2006
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, April 15th (Monday)

And so I do not feel she is 'in crisis', but rather an awakening, even if a little bewildering at first, where it is not the Prince's kiss that has awoken her, but rather the sharpness and clarity of her need to survive and thrive, and to no longer ignore the underlying disquiet.

Sleeping beauty is a great story if you go with the Norse version.

See, this Valkyrie, Brynhildr, she's Odin's favorite. He gives her more rune secrets than any of them, she's smarter, tougher, cooler, all around class act and divine ass kicker. One day she's out bathing and this prince - pretty slick dude, not a bad guy - sees her, snags her magic cloak of feathers or whatever it is (I can't remember because that part is so close to the selkies and I get confused) and only promises to give it back if she marries him. So she does, they do their thing, whatever.

So then this prince goes to war with some old king, and Odin decides the old king will win, but Brynhild says fuck you Odin, my boy is the winner. Odin, naturally, gets pissed off and strips away her divinity, but since she's so awesome he gives her a single boon before he does that and she asks that she only be married to the most noble of men and greatest of warriors. Odin says hey that's cool, by the way I'm sticking you in a remote castle surrounded by ten different kinds of magical fires that have their own names (it would be awesome if JJ Abrams got to do Snow White with fire elementals instead of dwarfs) and other crazy shit and everyone forgets about her because that's the last you hear about her in the myth cycles.

Then the guy who wakes her up is Sigurd, the guy who told Regin to go fuck himself and his treasure (Regin was a god of some kind or another), made him re forge the shards of Gram, the sword his ancestor pulled from a big ass tree where Odin stuck it, rides around on his awesome horse, kills the dragon Fafnir because winning a bunch of wars for his step dad who took him and his mom in and was cool to them wasn't awesome enough.

I dunno. Sorry. Sleeping Beauty is so much cooler when she's some Fly Around And Stab You With A Magic Spear And Shout Angry Words Of Power That Will Turn You Into Coffee Creamer than a helpless twat mooning around for Prince Underwear Model. Also it has a better message about self worth and values vs. authority figures.

eta:

Oh yeah, point - Sigurd didn't buy his way in, even after he won the treasures of Andvari from Fafnir (That is it right? Fafhrd is the Barbarian guy from Lankhmar?) that the gods themselves paid out in ransom to Regin and Fafnirs father because, basically, Loki was a capricious asshole.

So Prince Charming is really about being awesome and worthy of the Sleeping Beauty by her own choice, after being too awesome for the gods.


eta again:

Now I think about it that story had kind of a bad ending for everyone involved. Nevermind.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 12:26 PM, April 15th (Monday)]


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, April 15th (Monday)

T/J~
StillGoing...

I know that you had a point, and I read your missive twice...but for the life of me I cannot figure it out. I did try though...

Then you said,

Now I think about it that story had kind of a bad ending for everyone involved. Nevermind.

Your cracking me up!

end T/J


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, April 15th (Monday)

You asked him to go NC, he ignored it. He asked you to go to CC, you ignored it. I think that pretty much tells him you were serious about the NC and he doesn't care. He wants his way.

If you have no intention of going to CC, stay NC.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10869 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, April 15th (Monday)

He just called me from his business line that he does not know I know about. WTF

why not call me from his cell phone?


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, April 15th (Monday)

He's trying to trick you into answering. He's not accepting not getting his way.

Each incidence of NC is a bullet dodged with this guy.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10869 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, April 15th (Monday)

I would send him a registered letter to get your belongings at the storage facility. Get them all, at one time. Rent your own space and have that set up so you can just move everything into another location.

THAT SHOULD BE THE ONLY CONTACT YOU HAVE WITH HIM. One letter, give him several dates and times, he needs to pick one. Or have your roommate contact him to get her mattress and the other belongings. Your only other option is to take it all as a loss.


Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, April 15th (Monday)

I think I need someone to smack some sense into me.

I'm feeling bad because he has absolutely no idea where my head's at. He doesn't know just how over this relationship i am. Does he deserve to know ? We kind of left it as me telling him to only contact me if he changes his mind on the marriage stuff. (bleh hate myself for saying that)

He's probably super confused now right? If I tell him maybe he will really leave me alone?

Is my heart getting in the way of my head? Im having a weak moment or something. Not bc I want him back but bc I feel like im being cruel


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, April 15th (Monday)

I'm going to be really blunt here. Who the fuck cares if he "feels bad" or doesn't know that the relationship is over?

Seriously. He is obviously broken but WHY do you feel bad about it? Are you in IC?

And if anything, he doesn't believe you when you told him not to contact you because YOU STILL ENGAGE HIM.

You have to stop. Walk away, hell run - run away from the crazy.


Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, April 15th (Monday)

He doesn't know just how over this relationship i am.

He knows it's over - he doesn't have to know HOW over.

Over is over.

He will get the drift if you stay away.

NC, NC, NC.

I also think your roommate should get her stuff - and yours. And be the one to contact him, if you really need those things.

And please be careful. If you don't respond to him, he might just try more serious stuff, like show up at your front door, or your job, or your local grocery store.

If this is what you want, you have to mean business.

Hugs!

-JD


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2764 | Registered: Feb 2006
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, April 15th (Monday)

So this guy sent you a text on April 8 to "offer" counseling. Correct?

And today is the 15th. And he now wants an answer from you? After 7 days? Really?

And you feel you are ready to answer him right now as soon as he sends a text?

Step away from the phone. Please.

This person has you so ass backwards it is crazy. I hope you see this and I hope you turn to your IC or get in IC if you are not to get help to see how much manipulation this is...I really do. I think it could be very helpful to you.


Posts: 5524 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, April 15th (Monday)

God he just tried to call again. From his cell this time.

Yes I am in IC. Psychiatrist and Psychologist. Psych told me he thinks Im going to take a backslide after the newness and realization wears off. Said I will have a big void in my life. Thanks bro

He left a message but im not listening to it. Not tonight anyway.

I doubt he will show up at my door because by the grace of God I actually have a roommate now. I didn't for the first 3.5 yrs of our relationship. He is SOOOOOOOOO concernced with appearances he would NEVER look or act bad in front of anyone but me. It is a small miracle I have a roomate now....


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, April 15th (Monday)

Don't listen to it. Just delete the damn thing.

Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, April 15th (Monday)

I'm feeling bad because he has absolutely no idea where my head's at. He doesn't know just how over this relationship i am.

You've told him in great detail. He KNOWS. He knew full well before the last 5 hour phone call. You're not taking his calls and you're no longer responding to him - HE KNOWS why.

Every time you don't answer his calls he knows EXACTLY how over this relationship you are. Please.

We kind of left it as me telling him to only contact me if he changes his mind on the marriage stuff. (bleh hate myself for saying that)

And he's not respecting that, is he? He's not calling to marry you! You told him not to contact you and he's doing it anyway!

He's probably super confused now right? If I tell him maybe he will really leave me alone?

He's NOT confused. Did you read those books? Did those books profile people who spent their lives scratching their heads in confusion? Or did the books profile people who know FULL WELL what the game is and spend a lot of their cunning trying to manipulate it in their favor.

And NO, he won't leave you alone. Are you serious? Each time you've asked him to leave you alone, he calls and calls and texts and emails! Why on earth would yet another round of conversation - which will fill him with power and set you back emotionally - be at all to your benefit?

Is my heart getting in the way of my head? Im having a weak moment or something. Not bc I want him back but bc I feel like im being cruel

He HAD his chance to be a good man. You told him explicitly what you needed - and to be quite honest, your needs were pretty basic. You needed to be taken for yourself, loved for yourself. He couldn't do it. He explained at LENGTH exactly how and why he wouldn't do it. He lectured you like a child, berated you like a servant and criticized you when you asked for love.

You've only been cruel to yourself. You've told him over and over what you need, and he either doesn't have it in him or refused in the most insulting way. And please don't forget he cheats on you and lies about it! As if you guys didn't have enough problems. So on the one hand you have a cheater and a liar who tries to belittle you and control you until you ignore him and then he dangles half assed carrots in front of you - versus you, who has poured your heart and soul out to him, gotten stomped on, given him 20 chances and then finally made a healthy, self-preserving life choice and followed through on your warnings, and you think YOU are being cruel by not giving him another swing at you?


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 15th (Monday)

Thank you Circe!! That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Jesus you are a God send. You are so fucking right. This place never ceases to amaze me. The wisdom here is better than 10000 sessions with any IC.

THOSE are the words I needed to hear and why I keep coming back here.

I am reading that Dr Phil book now, and I let my roommate listen to the message to make sure it does not pertain to my belongings. She said it was 2 minutes of him saying he would like an answer to his question. With long pauses in between. But she said the whole two minutes was him saying only that. Oh and that he was sure I had gotten his texts. She said it would not have made me sad at all. Very 'mono-toned'in her words

I really can't thank you guys enough for the support. SI saved my life I think


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)

And yet another text this morning

I'm posting every little thing he sends me.

I'm not asking you for more time or anything along those lines. I realize and understand why you made the public declaration to your friends and some family. We don't have to speak or see each other outside of counseling if that's what you prefer. We would have to do it anyway as pre-marital. Between 6-8 sessions. Don't ignore this please, I realize you had asked to go together awhile ago, but I didn't think it would help at the time. Ive never done it so i didnt know. Now I feel differently about it. You were right. We needed an outside perspective from someone who deals with this kind of stuff on a day to day basis. Please let me know what you're thinking. Thank you


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)

He's ignoring your wishes again!

He didn't want to go to counseling before when you did. Now he wants to go to counseling when you don't.

Plus, he assumes you'll do it by saying:

We don't have to speak or see each other outside of counseling if that's what you prefer
.

No, you prefer to NOT do counseling. You prefer to leave this relationship. You prefer to be left alone.

Then, this is truly frightening when he again assumes:

We would have to do it anyway as pre-marital
.

Like you are still going to marry him!

He is not taking your words to him seriously and/or is trying his usual tactics to break you down and guilt you into replying. He will not take no for an answer.

I think you should not read anything more from him and block all forms of communication.

I'm so glad you have a roommate, but I think he might try to get to you any way he can once he really realizes you are done.


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2764 | Registered: Feb 2006
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)

suspicious, have you worked anything out about your stuff that he has? I mean have you worked it out in your mind, with friends or even before you went NC did you say anything to him about it?

I think you're doing great by the way. And the people of SI, me included, have just "been there" with a partner like your former SO, while your IC might be speaking from a more academic place regarding abusive relationships. When I was in your position it was my friends who saved my sanity, but my IC back then was good at shoring up my sense of self afterwards.

We would have to do it anyway as pre-marital. Between 6-8 sessions.

Yack that's a limp little carrot.

You're doing great. I wish you could block his contact so you could eliminate that source of stress right now.


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)

So he is dangling a carrot again....saying it would be pre-marital just to get you to go? Yet he hasn't asked you to marry him?

That is so ass backwards and manipulative it is a little creepy.


Posts: 5524 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)

Thanks Circe , in my mind I prepared to lose all my belongings and start over. I would buy my roommate a new mattress. (That's the only thing he has of hers if memory serves) the alternative is To place the things in storage which I looked in to. @$300 a month for climate controlled. I'd rather just start over with new furniture, clothes etc. I have not discussed this with him lately. A whole back during a fight I told him to burn all of it and I didn't want it.

We would have to do it anyway as pre-marital. Between 6-8 sessions
.

This is the sort of thing I was referring when I posted yesterday as to him being clueless as to where my heads at. That statement shows me he thinks I'm holding out for a stupid proposal. He has no idea I basically think he's a monster now.

Realitybites- agreed! He is crazy making and I'm so glad at least someone can see it. I really thought I was the one with the problem. (Not saying I don't have my own set of issues)

Thanks for the support and words of encouragement guys. I can't thank y'all enough

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 11:12 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)

Firstly, he's *assuming* you into counseling--did you notice that?

He is writing the story of your life FOR you as if you are just a pawn on the board....and that is creepy as hell because it shows zero regard or respect for you as a person.

You said that your reading Dr. Phil's book. Good. Your guy is definitely a BAITER.

E=exploiter
When he mentions the work *pre-marital* he is baiting you by exploiting you. He KNOWS that you want to get married and so, as everyone has said, he *dangles* out a word that looks as if you will be getting what YOU want. However, that small detail of the fact that you two are NOT EVEN engaged is being ignored.

Carry on with the NC with this guy. If you engage with him in any way it's just going to be a completely unproductive circular argument because you are only an *extension* of him......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)

This is the sort of thing I was referring when I posted yesterday as to him being clueless as to where my heads at. That statement shows me he thinks I'm holding out for a stupid proposal.

He thinks that statement will get a rise out of you. If you were gagging for a marriage proposal, you wouldn't be repairing your own life away from him and ignoring his texts and calls. Those aren't the actions of a woman running towards the altar or holding her breath for his call.

And good for you.


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Something I thought of that chilled me to the bone-

I am allergic to anti infmatories (NSAIDs). Very allergic. Last time I took one in high school , I was rushed to the emergency room with a swelling throat. I must have mentioned that to him at least 20 times over the course of our relationship. Everytime the subject of allergies were brought up, I'm sure I mentioned it. (I used to say things repeatedly and he'd make fun of me for it- or even get nasty about how often I repeated myself)

Well his grandmother who lives in another country was in town and went to the doctor and that doctor prescribed her topical NSAIDs. She is also allergic to them and he was outraged that the doctor would prescribe them. I tried to explain that I went through the same scenario recently and the doctor said it is rare for allergies in the topical form and I was ok. I tried them in the patch form and sure enough he was right . No allergic reaction. I told him all this and reminded him yet again I was allergic to them. His response was "oh ill never forget that now" meaning oh now I know that you have the same allergy as my grandmother , that will be easy for me to remember. As if it was the first time he heard that.

I was telling him this over the years in case of some emergency and he could alert whomever that I was allergic and not to administer them. But after all those times, it only stuck recently. When it pertained to his grandmother.

It makes my heart quiver how he could choose to ignore or forget that after being reminded countless times( and being made fun of for it).

I don't know...just wanted to express my thoughts today. No new contact or attempts at contact have been made since the text from last morning. I am hopeful he will see my refusal to reply as the thing he needs to leave me alone.


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Just sent this to me....am I being a "vengeful" person?

I didn't think you were a vengeful person, but I may have been wrong. i can't think of another reason why you are ignoring me. For you, our relationship may be over for good and you're distancing yourself to make it easier. But if you're not interested in what i was asking, a simple statement to that effect would have sufficed. It's hard to believe after all we have shared we can't be cordial and have to resort to ignoring/blocking communication. I never thought it would ever come to this as I believed our bond would have carried us through thick and thin. I've never been so close to anyone else in my life and never wanted to try for a future with anyone else. The least you could answer is whether you're even open to the idea of counseling, or if you have just closed the chapter and moved on...


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

I didn't think you were a vengeful person, but I may have been wrong. i can't think of another reason why you are ignoring me. For you, our relationship may be over for good and you're distancing yourself to make it easier. But if you're not interested in what i was asking, a simple statement to that effect would have sufficed. It's hard to believe after all we have shared we can't be cordial and have to resort to ignoring/blocking communication. I never thought it would ever come to this as I believed our bond would have carried us through thick and thin. I've never been so close to anyone else in my life and never wanted to try for a future with anyone else. The least you could answer is whether you're even open to the idea of counseling, or if you have just closed the chapter and moved on...


"Dear XF,

It is not venegful to realize that you are no longer compatible with another person.

We have broken up for good...like Taylor Swift for good.

I will be at your place at X time to gather my things and drop off yours (sorry, 12 pages is alot to read through, I have no idea of you are living together or not).

After I leave, dont ever contact me again."

Simple enough?


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
~Some days are better then others~

Posts: 1614 | Registered: Sep 2012
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Don't reply to his bullshit, he just wants to draw you in again. Keep up the NC.

NC = no new hurts.

Why are you still reading his texts? Have your friend get their/your stuff (or else just kiss it goodbye), and block him. Do not let him make you doubt yourself.

((((suspicious))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2508 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Oh Fun!! Now he's playing the *guilt* card.....

NC. He's not the boss of you. You don't have to follow his *communication requirements* and do it in the exact fashion that HE expects it done.

Not responding IS a form of communication, right?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
cupcakegirl
Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Just jumping-in here to give you hugs!! This guy fits a Verbal/Emotional abuser to a tee!!

Another good book is The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. She describes a Verbal/Emotional abuser very well. Verbal Abuse is so much more than name calling. It is a lie told to you or about you that defines you- telling you what you are, what you are not, what you think and what your motives are.

You should be very creeped-out by this guy. He does not seem to view you as a separate person from himself. He cannot even respect that you have a life-threatening allergy. A verbal abuser would not see a big deal here, because HE does not have a problem with NSAIDs, so why would anyone else? I suspect that is why he would also make fun of it.

For you, our relationship may be over for good and you're distancing yourself to make it easier.

He is defining your motives here. How would he know if you are distancing yourself from him to make it easier? He is not you...He is not a woman. He was not cheated-on, etc...You have gone NC- he, in reality, has no idea what you are thinking at this moment. Very big red flag.

Hang in there. NC NC NC... You are a separate person and this loon does not like you showing this independence.

Hugs. ccg


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
Luvlyla
Member
Member # 38692
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Wow.
What an ass, i know you cant see it now, but trust me, hes an ass!

just stop all communication for a while and get your head round what is going on. i skim read some of the pages tbh, so let me be sure ive got what going on here:

1. he cheated on you numerous times over four years
2. you dont trust him and you feel he isnt committed to a relationship with you.

Is this correct?

so you have it out with him you lay down your boundaries and say its unacceptable, hes just not doing what you need, and you know you deserve more. yes?

so he:

1. sends you an email in which he explains how important it is to be "committed" to a healthy lifestyle.

(wish him good luck - hope his gym equipment gives him all the commitment he requires - luckily they dont answer back, so hes really met his match there)

2. he convinces you that the relationship you have is special above all other 'normal' rules,
3. advises you not to take advice from other people.
4. has not mentioned that he cheated on you and is remorseful for it.
5. blames relationship breakdown on "communication problems" (that he insinuates come from you), and your inability to trust him....

6. fails to even recognize that you don't trust him because he hasnt demonstrated he is worthy of your trust.

7. he helpfully "shares the blame around, so you can take some too, (even though he cant point what you've actually done wrong in the relationship, you're just not agreeing with him at every turn.)

let me also guess:

in all communication about the relationship breaking down does he ever reveal emotions, vulnerability or state exactly what he wants?

I bet he says "i need to defend myself" too.

that's not remorse. and im sorry i dont see any love in any of those emails. i see references to words that relate to love, but no real love. i can see you trying to be strong but then giving him a bit of bait in the Jan emails, but he never catches like you hopes he would, yet he still maintains your love is above all others. BS. If he loved you he wouldn't be letting you leave without doing everything insinuated by your emails.

I know you love him and everyone thinks hes a good catch, he gathers the trappings that make him a good catch so he doesnt have to work on the emotional side of himself.

IME and IMHO, cut all contact, you will feel so much freer. This guy is just not capable of normal empathetic thinking and nothing you say will make him.

If you think you will worry about throwing something away send him an email with your boundaries and be honest (delete your ex gf from FB, etc etc, things you what that you suspect he wont do...but you would absolutely need for a relationship with him)

Then block him, and redirect his emails to a separate folder with a pain in the ass to remember password. (ideally one that you have to drive another persons house to find the scrap of paper that it is written on) that removes that niggling doubt that you've made the wrong decision that will arrive within the year. i guarantee when you check the folder when that time arrives, he wont have emailed, much less have done them.

If (shock, horror) he does those things you're still under no obligation to date him again, you're under no obligation to check the email folder (dont check it every day or every week though!).

but he wont.
you know that deep down.
God forbid he would take a risk and try to make you trust him.

but then again why would he need to - hes such a catch, and hes got all his gym equipment which NEVER spills water on the stove!!!


((((suspicious))))


When he's your Romeo,
and you're not his Juliet,
it means you are Rosaline
- and you survive the play.

Posts: 202 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Luvlyla
Member
Member # 38692
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

OK so now i know to make sure i read at least five pages back, not just two pages back skimming the middle bits.

You miss norse mythology...
... but also, you know he's an ass now -

Yay!!!

its overwhelming isn't it all? you're looking pretty strong from where I'm standing.


When he's your Romeo,
and you're not his Juliet,
it means you are Rosaline
- and you survive the play.

Posts: 202 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

I didn't think you were a vengeful person, but I may have been wrong. i can't think of another reason why you are ignoring me.

Well there you have it. You've been involved with him for however many years and he can't think of a single reason why you aren't swallowing his bait, except because you're a bad person.

Please just remember that you poured your heart out to him and it didn't matter. It didn't change anything. You told him if things didn't change, you didn't want to be with him. You've SAID all there is to be said. There is no "simple statement" you haven't made. He's saying that he knows you're ignoring his unwanted communication, yet he claims he doesn't know whether or not you still want to go to couples counseling with him? Crazy.

He knows, susp. He knows as clear as a bell that you're distancing yourself for your own peace - he's said as much in the third sentence, and any caring person would understand that, even if they were sad. So the rest of his words are like dragging a piece of yarn on the floor to lure the hiding cat out from under a table. You clearly want space and silence, and he can't respect that.

NC NC NC.

NC would be easier if you could just block his number for real.


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, April 19th (Friday)

My XH is NPD. He was also abusive, both emotionally and physically. I'm telling you this because I have been where you are.

You need to change your phone number and stay NC. Take a loss on the things in his storage. They are not worth having to break NC. Those things are also not worth loosing your life when he goes crazy. I'm not trying to scare you but I can see this ending badly if you meet him in person.

If he starts showing up at your house or job get a restraining order. Please be careful because he seems like he might be starting to flip out.

Also, have you noticed how you have become the bad guy and he's the victim? At least in his mind.

Stay NC.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, April 19th (Friday)

He just called again. No voicemail.

I found an email I sent in Dec and I wanted to post it. Don't expect anyone to read it but this thread has been a part if my therapy and when I feel weak I come back and read posts. Hell I do that even when I'm not feeling weak. Just by what I've written (and I'm pretty sure I've said it multiple times) he knows exactly why this is over. And Circe and everyone else has been so right and so incredibly helpful. Circe when you translated his latest text to me it made me talk out loud to my computer. I didn't even think about how he was turning the tables on my and saying the only reason he can think of for my not responding is because I'm a spiteful person. This person really is unbalanced and I'm starting to question mine for being with him for so long.

I sent this email in dec-----

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 9:12 AM, April 19th (Friday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, April 19th (Friday)

suspicious247, if he is NPD, which I think he is but I'm not a doctor, these people work you over time. You probably didn't even know he was doing this.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, April 19th (Friday)

THIS WAS SENT IN DECEMBER 2011!! 2011! MY INTERNAL 2013 REACTIONS IN CAPS. IF I CNA FIND HIS REPSONSE I WILL POST IT

I probably shouldn't be telling you this because I would like it to be heartfelt, initiated by you, and thought out, but I have been waiting for an apology. LOL IM STILL WAITING I answered the phone on Saturday night because I thought I'd get one.

I need declaration/admission that -

1. You've acted "off" for a very long time now and will try to figure out why. Why you get angry and defensive so easily. Why you give me the impression that you don't want to spend time with me. Why you withdraw from me emotionally. Why the frequent silent treatments. Why you won't communicate effectively. Why you tell me yes you want to spend time with me, then when we get together you act distant, bored, like you don't want to be there. Why when you are upset about something, you don't tell me. Why you resent me. Why you yell and try to hurt my feelings. Why you don't take me seriously. Why you feel the need to devalue me. Why you think Im irrational. Why the focus is mostly on you and rarely on me. Why you tell me you don't care what we do (whether its where to eat, how to spend a Sunday afternoon, how to spend a Saturday night), then when I suggest things say you don't want to do that or act pouty when we are doing what I want. You care, so speak your mind! I'm not a mind reader, and I've been forced to do that because you won't talk to me.

2. I need a declaration that you want to be more empathetic with me. the sharing of another's emotions, esp of sorrow or anguish; pity; compassion

3. That you are committed (more than ever) to making this work. If you are at the end of your rope, how can I possibly want to keep this together given that we are here bc of your lies and/or omissions. I need to hear you are fully committed to my healing for as long as it takes and are willing to wait for me. Be patient with me. Be kind to me. Be considerate of me, and my time. You should be putting in at least 60% of the effort for this relationship. It's not 50/50 anymore. It's now skewed towards you.

4. That you understand my need to check up/verify things at times bc trust was broken. The lies from '09 and '10 further damaged my ability to trust. You say to trust you but the last time I did that I was hurt terribly. Verifying things makes me feel better and solidifies my confidence that the trust factor is getting better. And I only verfiy when you are acting withdrawn, upset, not speaking your mind to me. When you do that it makes me start to question things. When you say things like "I don't want to marry someone who doesn't trust me" this far out, it's a red flag. That statement should always be followed up with "and I'll do anything to gain it back" to make me feel safe. Otherwise it's counter-productive and not conducive to a happy, harmonious, balanced relationship. If you donít want to be with someone who doesn't trust you then you shouldn't have been untrustworthy. Trust is fragile. It's easy to break and hard to repair. Putting those pieces together is painstaking work. If I wasn't completely in love with you I wouldn't bother with it. I'm here doing everything I can.

5. That you understand there can be no more lies. Not even little ones. How am I supposed to trust you with big things, if you are lying or ommitting small stuff. I need to hear that you're willing to give me 100% transparency. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

6. That you understand that you're reactions to my verifying/checking are counter-productive. Everytime you threaten to end things (last weekend you actually did). That's no way for me to heal and the wrong way for you to handle it. If you don't like how I conduct myself, than you can leave this relationship at any time. What I'm asking that you not berate me, demean me, tell me to "shut up" or say or do things to hurt me. Just break up with me. There is no reason to try and make me feel worse. THIS IS SO SAD AND SCARY TO ME. IVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS FOR SO LONG WHAT IN THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH ME.

(at this point you are most likely saying to yourself that my checking is counter-productive. As I've stated before it makes me feel better and solidifies my confidence that the trust factor is getting better. And again, I only do it when I feel you pulling away from me in whatever manner) HERE I AM Ė KNOWING HEĒS TUNING OUT AND GETTING DEFENSIVE

7. I need to hear that you are willing to spend some time with my friends, and that you want me to spend time with your friends. And then let's actually DO it. Talk is cheap. If we can't fix this one issue, I'm certain we are doomed. It dawned on me last weekend, we are in this postion where you think I hate your friends. Do some of them make me uneasy? Sure, and you know why. BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL CHEATERS TOO. But I have never said I won't hang out with them or try to build relationships with them. Because of this, you passively refuse to hang out with my friends. I sense this so I never suggest we get together with them. So we end up hanging together alone all the time. It is a vicious cycle. I always choose you over my friends because you are mybest friend. But because of this I'm perceived by my friends to be uninterested in maintaining a relationship with them. They don't know about this "friend" dynamic you and I have going on in our relationship. I'm in a position where I only have you. If it doesn't work out with you, I will have NO friends. This is just not right.

SoÖ..that is what I'm waiting for. An apology. An aknowledgement that my feelings are valid and that you can see how I feel that way. The fact that I have to tell you this is cause for concern. I'm gathering that you don't feel you have done anything wrong or that I am owed an apology. Otherwise you would have done it right?

Crazy ex boyfriend, my love for you is so deep and true. It goes beyond explanation. I've said this many times, but I would do anything for you. I'd die for you. I'd take myself out of your life if meant happniess for you. I know we both wouldn't be doing this if we didn't love each other. But is love enough? I've been depressed too. I'm not the same person I used to be. This has changed me. I want to get back to that old person that everyone loved to be around. I was funny, witty,intelligent, beautiful, sweet, life of the party, had friends, had incredible self-confidence. I worked out, took care of myself. Its all gone now. I hope I can get that person back with you in my life. But the longer this carries on, the further away that person looks to me. I'm scared of losing myself completely.

If you feel that you cannot provide a heartfelt apology for all of the above then I would like to end this relationship. Until you see things from my perspective and make this relationship a priority and willing to look inward to find the answers to these questions, I do not see a reason to move forward. I have given you my everything. My heart, my time, my love, my life, made you my #1 priority, loved you unconditionally, let you back into my life when you singlehandedly caused me complete devastation. I try to be understanding, I try to be accomodating. I try to do whatever pleases you. Except for the working out thing, and that is not about meeting your emotional needs. I think my lack of taking care of myself stems from my depression.

I want everything I have given to you in return or nothing at all.

If you have any response other than complete remorse then please don't respond. I donít want to hurt anymore, and I don't want my shortcomings to be pointed out to me. I'm already hard enough on myself, I don't need it from anyone else. If I donít hear from you, I will assume you disagree with everything I have said and we can just let it go. No fights, no drama, just an end to a chapter in our lives.

If I donít hear from you I wish you all good things. I'll always remember the times we had together, and you will have a special place in my heart. I appreciate everything you've done for me, and thank you for all the good times we've shared. I'll always remember them.

Always,
Suspicioud247


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, April 19th (Friday)

I didn't even think about how he was turning the tables on my and saying the only reason he can think of for my not responding is because I'm a spiteful person

Of course you didn't. My guess is that he's *trained* you to go into defense mode or to do something to *prove* that you AREN'T what he's saying you are.

There are a lot of us here that have dealt with guys Just Like Yours. Don't beat yourself up and *not seeing* it and allowing yourself to *live with it* for so long. It typically happens so gradually and subtly over a period of time that you just don't realize it until it's too late.

The BEST way to extricate yourself and to ensure that you won't find yourself in this position again is to develop extremely firm and strong boundaries. <--That is straight out of my therapist's mouth.

He calls you vengeful because he doesn't like the method that you are using to keep yourself safe? So.What? Fuck him. You need it and HE should respect that need.

Also keep in the back of your mind when reading any of his communications.....that he NEVER refers to his cheating. Huge red flag!


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, April 19th (Friday)

He didnt respond. He said he wanted to talk about it 'in person'. Typical. it was so long ago i dont remembe rthe conversation but Im sure as most do, it went nowhere.

his response
I wanted to discuss all of the below on Saturday and yesterday. I guess you werenít ready to do that, which is totally fine. I would like to discuss all this in person if possible. I want to print this out and go through it one by one. Would you be open to that or do you want a written response?


Me

If you wanted to discuss it on Saturday why didn't you bring it up? How do I know what you want to discuss if you don't say anything?

I would have talked to you if at any time you had said "Suspicious I am sorry about everything, please talk to me" but there was no such text or VM.

If you want to go through this line by line and pick apart everything I've said and are not going to be apologetic, then no , I dont want to do this in person.

Him

I didnít bring it up because I was sitting in the car with groceries and I didnít want to interrupt the conversation. You then said that you were going to take a bath and you would call me back, but I didnít hear back. I was at my house all day on Saturday and I needed to get out for a little bit so I met up with friends. So I tried to reach you yesterday, but you werenít responding back. And I didnít send a text or a VM because what is the point of saying that over text or VM. Itís better said in person. Iím not going to pick apart everything you have said. But it should be open for discussion so you do not get the wrong impression about some things, which I think you do. I AM sorry!

Ughhhh I cant believe how long ive put up with all of this. I gave him my best years


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 19th (Friday)

Another exchange I found from January '13. Looks like I was seriously starting to lose my shit during this time. Start at end - this is an email thread. (if anyone is even reading this stuff anymore). I dont know why I am TBH. I guess it is helping with my resolve that I have said this to him over and over again.

HIM -

Youíre right, this has to stop. Talk about condescending, your entire text is just that


ME -

You saying ďanal retentiveĒ is not the pedestal part!!!!!!!!!!!! Its you saying that ďIĒ DONíT CARE ABOUT THINGS. Hello??????!!!!!!!!!!!!! Saying ďNot rocket scienceĒ is also a dig!!! Are you completely delusional?. You are condescending and I will not allow you to speak to me in that manner.

Not rocket science is RIGHT. Get a clue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You said ďI donít care about thingsĒ. You say ďI donít think before I speakĒ. How is that NOT A DIG????????????????????????? I mean seriously WTH

We are going nowhere. You are NOT sorry for treating me like sh!t. You are NOT sorry for speaking down to me. YOU are NOT sorry for making me feel like Iím not good enough for you because you yell at me and tell me not to spill water on MY OWN OVEN ect etc. YOU ARE NOT SORRY. END OF STORY. If someone told me the things I was telling you, I would fall all over myself apologizing and trying to make things right. You have no interest in that. You know why? Because you are not wrong in your eyes and I can never change that. I can never get you to see things from any other perspective other than your own.

YOU NEVER SAID YOU WOULD DO WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE IT WORK. REREAD YOUR TEXT> If you would do what it takes to work donít you think you would call me rather than send a text 12 hours after I sent you one?

DO you think I am insane, stupid and a complete idiot?

Donít tell me I donít want to work on things. I am the one going to counseling. I am the one reading relationship books and books about arguing. I am asking you to fill out sentences to see where Iím failing you. You donít care HOW YOU ARE FAILING ME! You know what I guess I am a complete idiot. I am the racking my brain how to fix this royal mess we are in. I DONíT SEE YOU DOING ANNNNNNNYYYYY OF THAT.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The reason the spilling of the water escalated was NOT because you calmly and sweetly told me not to spll it. You talked to me like a was a fíing idiot and were completely condescending about it, when I was trying to do something NICE FOR YOU. Talk about ungrateful.

When I say take me as I am, I donít mean you have to like evrythign about me and not expect for me to change. I am human and human evolve all the time. I mean that if you have conditions on whether you will be with me or not based on some perceived personality flaw, then itís not worth it. I am not telling you your flaws are causing me not to want to marry you or be your girlfriend. I am ready to take you wth you flaws, IF YOU ARE WILLING TO WORK ON THEM> AS I AM.

IF I HAD SAFE AND SUPPORTIVE ENVIRONMENT TO DO IT IN.

But you are mean and nasty, condescending and downright rude sometimes. You can tell me not to smack my food, or listen to you, or not leave things in the doorway without raising your voice or being ridiculing about it. And I guarantee you would have better results.

THIS HAS TO STOP. When you are ready to take responsibility and you can see you are acting completely unacceptable and condescending and passive aggressive and name calling and everything mean in the book. When you realize you are doing that let me know. If you will never realize it than we canít be together. I wish that werenít the case but I have no choice. I have to watch out for my best interest and make sure my heart and head are taken care of.

You are the MAN and it is your responsibility to figure this out.

HIM -

How is saying that Iím anal retentive putting myself on a pedestal????? Are anal retentive people thought of highly in society? I was making a dig at MYSELF and only YOU could take that and flip it 180degrees and say I am putting myself on pedestal!!

____________________________________________________________


ME -

I guess I meant Iím at a loss for what weíre supposed to do. I know it isnít anything you havenít said before. I wanted to hear that you would do whatever it takes to make things work. That you feel partly responsible for the state we are in.

You didnít address 70% of what I wrote. And you had to throw in digs. About how ďyouĒ think about what you say, but I donít. How ďI donít care as much about things Ė and youíre anal retentive.Ē You are putting me down while putting yourself on a pedestal. It makes me feel hopeless and takes me further away from wanting a future with you.

You say that you donít want to feel responsible for holding me back but because we have this deadline you get frustrated with things easily. DO you think that this ďimpending deadlineĒ is an excuse to act unkind to me? Give me the silent treatment, act like something is wrong but when asked about it say ďnothingí. Get mad at me for smacking my food, calling me ungrateful, not leaving the doorway open when moving, not answering the phone in Playa, getting too loud in a restaurant, getting angry with me for spilling water on my stove top, saying I donít care about health because I donít work out, getting angry and taking it personally when I say Iím hot or cold, etc etc.

The problem is here is that you have a long laundry list of things I do that get on your nerves.

My list is short. Being late, talking down to me, not saying what is on your mind. Your list goes on and on. This is just not in the last 6 weeks either, youíve been getting angry about things for a long long time. (think Cabo). So I canít believe that youíre frustration and anger is only because of this deadline. Iím sorry, I just canít

I feel like Iím walking on eggshells. All . The. Time. Youíre constantly annoyed with me. How is that fun?? How can I be what you want if Iím feeling that way?

I have said this before, - I donít think anything is going to change unless you are willing to change. I have said I am willing to change and work on things Ė on the textÖ.you didnít mentioned ANYTHING to that effect.

My list of grievances is much less than yours. So I have to ask you what you want? This list of grievances is just in the past 6 weeks, but they go back for a long long time. This question is for you to answer. I am ok with my list and can live with it. The ball is in your court, this is only a question you can answer. Maybe this is just the surface of things that are bothering you , and maybe thereís more to it and maybe you donít even know what ďthatĒ is. Life is going to get more and more challenging and if we canít get over these small things, how are we going to deal with a death or illness in the family, or finances or raising kids?

This really should not be this complicated and if it is then maybe the writing on the wall. The list speaks for itself. Can you physically change the way you treat me? I donít feel fulfilled, safe and supported most of the time. The times that are good arenít enough to carry us through rough waters.

You have to decide if you can live with me, AS I AM. Not want to change me. If you want to change me, then maybe we arenít right for each other. Iím looking for someone who likes me for me and takes me AS I AM. After all it is much easier to change for someone who is sweet and supportive and that change doesnít hinge on the state of our relationship. I donít feel that way with you. I feel you saying, change or Iím out the door. If that is how you feel, then maybe the door is where you should go.

Iím sorry we are in this place but something has to give. We canít continue this wayÖfor both of our sanity sake. Please give some major thought into this and take all the time you need.

HIM -

I re-read my text multiple times also and I donít understand why you are at a loss for wordsÖI didnít say anything that I havenít said beforeÖ

ME -
If ďWXBFĒ would only accept me for who I am and not want to change me, then I would feel safe, secure and happy.


I read and reread your text and Iím sort of at a loss for words.

I guess we both have a lot of thinking to doÖ


HIM -

Hi, still thinking about this one. Itís not something that I think can be summarized into one sentence. I donít think you need to do anything in particular to make me feel a certain way. I think itís oversimplifying everything. I know youíre trying to take small steps to try and see my point of view, etc. and I want to do the same. I just donít think it can be that simplifiedÖIf the question were reversed, what would you say?


ME -

HiÖso I know you are probably going to think this is really super lame, butÖ.when you have extra time on your hands, would you mind filling out the sentence below? I think it would help me understand where youíre coming from. Iím just trying to understand your point of view, where Iím failing you, etcÖ

If Suspicious247 would only _______, then I could feel _______.
No rush, feel free to take all the time you need to think about it.




Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 19th (Friday)

Ughhhh I cant believe how long ive put up with all of this. I gave him my best years

No, no, no. Your best years are coming, now that you've dumped the useless baggage.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1696 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 19th (Friday)

He's a complete crazymaker. Period.
Suspi:
I read and reread your text and Iím sort of at a loss for words
CrazyMaker:
I re-read my text multiple times also and I donít understand why you are at a loss for wordsÖI didnít say anything that I havenít said beforeÖ

Suspi:
<then sends *long-ass* missive>
Crazymaker:
How is saying that Iím anal retentive putting myself on a pedestal????? Are anal retentive people thought of highly in society? I was making a dig at MYSELF and only YOU could take that and flip it 180degrees and say I am putting myself on pedestal!!

Suspi:
<sends another *long missive*, but this one includes lots of YELLING and also> THIS HAS TO STOP. When you are ready to take responsibility and you can see you are acting completely unacceptable and condescending and passive aggressive and name calling and everything mean in the book. When you realize you are doing that let me know
Crazymaker:
Youíre right, this has to stop. Talk about condescending, your entire text is just that

Good Lord, Suspi. Can you see what he was doing?

He *plays dumb* and keeps you in perpetual *explain yourself* mode. And when you do that, he *plays dumb* again. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. He's the puppet-master and you are his puppet.

He never actually addresses your concerns. He never engages in a real conversation with you.

He just turns it around onto you.

This dude has *playing the victim* down to a science.



"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, April 19th (Friday)

If Suspicious247 would only _______, then I could feel _______.
No rush, feel free to take all the time you need to think about it.
Sweetie - I know this is from a long time ago, but this hit me in the face like a sledgehammer.

Do you see how, by asking this question, you are making yourself responsible for how he feels?

That is the very definition of codependent.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22672 | Registered: Aug 2011
TXMommy
Member
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, April 19th (Friday)

Wow... I feel like I'm looking into a mirror 12 years ago (my XWF who I, thankfully, did NOT marry)! I was young, and stupid though. I couldn't see what an @ss he was right in front of my face. I kept going back, and going back, and going back. He made ME feel sorry for HIM when he abused me, and cheated on me... The moment I stood up for myself, he was all apologies and grand gestures, and then we'd go back into the same abusive cycle.
YOU are breaking the cycle. Just keep up NC. It really is only giving him an "in". It's an invitation for more NPD sewage from his mouth, more stringing you along, more abuse (because all of this crap is at LEAST emotional abuse).
You are really doing SO well. Honestly... keep it up. It's hard, I know, but KEEP IT UP. You can and will get through this... and you have AMAZING, HEALTHY, HAPPY years ahead!

[This message edited by TXMommy at 12:04 PM, April 19th (Friday)]


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Is it bad that I'm just now able to say I'm in R?

Posts: 549 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, April 19th (Friday)

Jumping in late.

Run, not walk away from this guy. I've only read the first and last page of this, and quite honestly, there is nothing in the middle that could justify trying to fix things with this guy.

Just from those two pages, I'm reading NPD/emotional abuser.

Just run. Continued contact with this jackalope is dangerous to your mental health.

Strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
ďI have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.Ē
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, April 19th (Friday)

I'm sorry if this is a 2x4 but why are you looking at old emails from this guy and not blocking his texts or just deleting them unread? The door is still cracked there, shut it somehow.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, April 19th (Friday)

I have no idea what I'm looking at old emails for. I really can't say. I can speculate that I'm still in some state of shock. And Maybe still reviewing the damage. I'm not putting that articulately I'm sure

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, April 19th (Friday)

Hi, chiming in here late as well.

You have gotten some great advice, I think you know what you have to do....let this man go. There is no way you will be able to move forward until that door is shut tight, sealed, and on lockdown.

(((Hugs)))))


Posts: 7272 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, April 19th (Friday)

Block his number from your phone. Period. Get yourself off this crazy train.

Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, April 20th (Saturday)

Today is my 3 yr dday anniversary :(

This should empower me, not make me sad


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, April 20th (Saturday)

Today is my 3 yr dday anniversary :(
This should empower me, not make me sad

((((Suspi))))))

Hugs to you on your painful reminder day. Perhaps it's both empowering and saddening?

Either way, I know I struggle with the feelings all coming back like it has just happened on memorial days. Be kind to yourself today. Do something special for yourself. Try to reclaim this day so that next year you can say, April 20th was the day I __________ for myself. So, strength to you today. You're doing great.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 7:23 AM, April 20th (Saturday)]


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, April 20th (Saturday)

Thank you Windows. What a wonderful idea. I will make it my goal to make new memories today....

I expect to hear from him today. He's painfully aware of this day. I remember this day more than I remember the day we met, or our first date, first ILY's, everything.

He will probably surmise that all of this was bc of this day and once it's over I will come crawling back.


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, April 20th (Saturday)

I have no idea what I'm looking at old emails for. I really can't say. I can speculate that I'm still in some state of shock. And Maybe still reviewing the damage.

I get this, I really do. I used to reread my journal and my emails to my friends over and over to recall the anger, work through the feelings, remind myself why I left if I was ever getting nostalgic or wonder if I made a mistake, let the facts truly sink in, in a way they couldn't when I was in the middle of the emotional storm. It's a way to work through things emotionally. And I think to a certain extent - and at certain times - it's healthy.

I think there are a few dangers though. One is that you might find yourself rereading a passage from an old argument and get so worked up, or find some obvious flaw in his logic, or a lie that was exposed later, and in the heat of the discovery you're tempted to break NC to show him evidence of how wrong he is. That would be disastrous. So please, please guard against any moments of weakness or anger. Maybe go through the old emails during IC, or with a caring friend. Not alone, and never while drinking or vulnerable!!

Another con is that you're trying to heal, and there's a fine line between processing your emotions by looking through the evidence and re-traumatizing yourself. I think maybe giving them a reread and then putting them away for several months might be helpful? Maybe your IC can advise you about that since she knows you IRL and I can only go by my own experience, which might not match yours. But I think of it like the recent marathon bombings, or destructive hurricanes - you watch the footage to convince yourself it's real, absorb that it really happened, inform yourself... and then you turn off the news because from that point forward it's just repeating the trauma. There are still beautiful things in the world, and if your world becomes the ugliness you might miss all of the love and happiness that is still out there.

I love the idea of you doing something wonderful for yourself today. I hope you do! You really deserve it!


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, April 20th (Saturday)

He will probably surmise that all of this was bc of this day and once it's over I will come crawling back.

Another of the many benefits of living a healthier and happier life now? You no longer have to anticipate how he will feel, what he might think, how he might twist things or what he might expect from you. No more! It's no longer important because you're no longer subject to it. This is an awesome, liberating thing!!


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

So im like incapacitated. It's 2 pm my time and I have not left the house. I'm frozen. I'm crying as I type this. What in the world is the matter with me? My roomates parents are in town and staying with us and I've been holed up in my room since 7 last night. What in the world. This hurt is nothing new I don't know why it's so hard today. I'm like playing victim here and I'm annoying the hell out of myself. Ughhhh

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

I have read this thread in its entirety twice today. And some posts even 3 or 4 times....

Circe I think you predicted this in your previous post. I'm reliving trauma and can't stop. I don't know why

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 1:21 PM, April 20th (Saturday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Hi Susp.,

Since today is tough for you, and you have reread this thread twice, do you think it might be helpful to post a list of all of the things you have learned from this experience. In other words, put it out there for everyone to see.

1. My xWbF was more abusive than I ever realized

2. I realize that he turned things around in ways that were manipulative.

3. Etc.


It's a thought. I did something similar for myself, and it has proven helpful for me to reread occasionally. --much healthier than for me than rereading anything my xWW ever wrote.

You're doing really well, even though the last 24 hours have been very hard. Obviously this anniversary of your DDay is bringing up many bad feelings, many of which you probably don't want to relive right now....so it creates this "stuck" or immobilized state. Understandable.

Best to you.

NMAI


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 803 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

So i went shopping today. i bought 3 purses and 4 pairs of shoes. then i went to friends house.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 8:30 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Forgive me for having such a dramatic moment. I'm getting on my own nerves

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

maybe you could come over to the "I can relate" forum section and post on the narcissistic relationship (NPD) thread. Your story sounds similar to many of ours over there. the abuse an NPD can hand out is very very damaging.

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, April 21st (Sunday)

Suspicious, I lived with a man like this for 17 years, and 48 years later, I still love him. He is my father. He only got worse, over time. It was so bad for his wife that she chose not to treat cancer, but to die from it in order to be free. She was my mother!

Dear, please, you don't need to know anymore about this man, or why he is so horribly broken. You must take every step to guard your heart from any weak moments and any consideration of talking to or communicating with this man about anything!

Count any of your belongings in his possession as gone, including your roomates mattress. Block him in all forms of communication!

It is so very telling that even after all your pleas he has disrespected EVERY ONE of them! Make note that he considers therapy for the two of you, but isn't in therapy for himself. He considers your togetherness as broken enough to require therapy help, but not himself? So telling that he thinks you are the broken part of the togetherness, and not him.


in closing, I've had to learn to erect and maintain EXTREME boundaries in order to deal with my father's manipulations! That's no life for a lover and spouse as my mother's choice of dying was less painful than living with father.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 336 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
ugh!
Member
Member # 32829
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, April 26th (Friday)

Suspi-

I have been following your thread but haven't commented - I wanted to check in on you - how are you doing?


You got to look real hard. There's a fiery star hidden out there somewhere - Andy Bell

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jul 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Hi everyone. Just wanted to post an update. Things had been pretty uneventful with the x. Sent another text about how we owe each other counseling after all the years we've spent. Then yesterday was his birthday. As I had been planning for a while, I did not wish him one. This morning I get two texts from him one saying "thank you" then one about an hour later saying

"The one person I was most looking forward to hearing from on my birthday, didn't reach out. Not even a simple happy bday. Unless the fake facetime from the night before was supposed to be my head nod acknowledgment in some weird way. I must be a horrible person and didn't deserve it. How fitting"

Guys I won't say I've been in a good place. I've been sad and grieving. I feel like a mean person even though I know I'm trying to do the right thing by keeping my distance. As time goes by I feel my heart getting softer. But my brain knows this is not a healthy situation for me. It's hard rectifying the heart and the brain....


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

He sounds like a whiny, entitled prick there. He isn't a man, he's a boy stomping his foot because he isn't getting what he wants. So he shits all over you once more in a text knowing it will hurt you.

Sorry you are hurting. I really think you should find a way to block him. It just peels the scab a bit every time you read that stuff.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Stay strong. The relationship is toxic.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Btw I accidentally face timed him the night before his bday. I hung up immediately. Not even an entire ring. He face timed me back and I didn't answer. I was reading old texts and found some things I even forgot about. How I was warning him that I was disappearing and did he have anything else he wanted to say before I'm gone forever. More texts about him being unreasonable and obnoxious . I needed the ammo. The call FaceTime button is right where your would scroll up on texts. This is what he's referring to when he says "fake facetime"

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Btw I accidentally face timed him the night before his bday. I hung up immediately. Not even an entire ring. He face timed me back and I didn't answer. I was reading old texts and found some things I even forgot about. How I was warning him that I was disappearing and did he have anything else he wanted to say before I'm gone forever. More texts about him being unreasonable and obnoxious . I needed the ammo. The call FaceTime button is right where your would scroll up on texts. This is what he's referring to when he says "fake facetime"

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Good morning, honey.

I have an assignment for you. And you're going to do it - no arguing, ok?

Think of one thing you can do for yourself today that is completely self-focused. One thing. It doesn't have to be big, it just has to be about your care and feeding.

Give it some thought. Think of something you will enjoy. Something that will help fill your tank.

Get a massage?
Spend an hour wandering through your favorite book store?
Take a walk through a beautiful neighborhood?
Call a friend and meet for lunch?
Rent a movie and laugh your ass off?
Coffee and a cookie in the park?

Think on it. Do it. And then report back.

Dr. NIK's orders.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22672 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Ugh! - Ty for checking on me. I just saw your post today. I am trying to hang in there as best I can.

Still seeing my IC weekly. Went to charleston this weekend with a girlfriend for a getaway and it was a shitshow. Her brothers bday was that weekend and his friends were unbelievable. They were very immature and drinking at all hours of the day and getting kicked out of bars. To give you all an idea , we met them for brunch at noon on Sunday and they had already been kicked out of a bar/restaurant. Everywhere we went I saw a look of uneasiness in the other patrons. It was so obvious how rowdy this crowd was. I was so embarrassed and found excuses to leave. One night I left a club bc I was triggering from a song and needed to go out for a good cry. My "friend" laid in to me about leaving . she was so angry with me some awful things came out of her mouth.Saying he still has power over me and all my friends talk about me.. I got angry at her and told her I was allowed to grieve the end of my relationship Amd just bc im cryimg doesnt mean he has "power" over me She said some awful things to me and she lost my friendship. I will only keep her at arms length now. She has issues and in the 8 years ive known her has never had a man so relationship advice from her is laughable. I won't get into all the details but the wknd was pretty bad and we came home early. (After they got kicked out of yet another bar she finally had it herself)

Soverysad - thank you. I am doing the best I can with regards to strength.

Stillgoing- haha this is the stuff I need to hear. So thank you also. Entitled is his middle name. I had a feeling the mean stuff would come after the bday. Hopefully that's the end of it

Dr nik- thank you for words of encouragment. unfortunately work is insane and ill be working until at least 7 my time, but I will do something nice for myself after . Maybe ill work out, spray tan and mani pedi. I just bought a book on amazon and I can't wait to get it. It's called "words of encouragement for the emotionally abused woman" . Good reviews, I hope it brings more peace in my life.

Guys what do you think about him saying that it is "fitting"? I don't get that.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 9:03 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Guys what do you think about him saying that it is "fitting"? I don't get that.

It was either a dismissive insult to you or a *pity party* for him. An opening for you to *feel bad* or guilty and to feel compelled to contact him and make him feel better.

Can you delete him from your FaceTime so there are no more 'oopsies'?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

I've only facetimed once before and have no idea how to delete it. I never use it and am completely uninformed about it.

It sounds crazy but reading his mean text messages makes my resolve stronger so I've been doing it more lately (we communicated a lot thru text) . But I'd love to get rid of that button

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 9:15 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Not sure which iphone you have but you can disable facetime by going into settings, clicking on facetime and then moving the toggle to off. Hope that helps.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

And he just emailed me

Subject - thank you

Body - for being thoughtful

(To my work email from his personal)

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 9:38 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Just expect to continue to *hear* from him.

I just, as in right now, received an email w/ attachment from Sultan.

Subject: Beautiful
Body: A picture that was taken when we renewed our vows 2 months after Dday.

He obviously has no idea how much I despise being reminded of that renewal considering the fact that it was based on his complete lies.

Disordered thinking, suspi. Ugh.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

And he just emailed me

Subject - thank you

Body - for being thoughtful

WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!

(To my work email from his personal)

Please blacklist this douchebag so that his fucked up messages go straight into trash.

The less you see him working his bullshit the better off you will be.

((((suspicious))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2508 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Guys what do you think about him saying that it is "fitting"? I don't get that.

He's being a manipulative cockjab. He's implying that you're cruel, mean and everything HE never said - even though he did and you have it saved - but OTHER people did is true and he's only just now being forced to see it by your HORRIBLE and SELFISH behavior by not bowing your head like a good little woman and just having the courtesy to wish him a happy fucking birthday. Really, just a happy birthday, because you're the only one he really was looking forward to hearing from. Isn't the [dollar value he quoted] he spent an obvious sign of how much he values you? You could at least do the same and how much does it cost to say happy birthday? GOD you're SO SELFISH.

You will soon be bombarded with flowers and gifts.

He is a snub nosed shit rifle set to spray and he's hosing your life with his shit. Block him.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Oh I forgot - I bought him a subscription for 6 months. They are gift boxes filled with men's sample skin and lifestyle products (socks, speakers, belts - it's nice stuff). I ordered it in March bc I had to wait a few months for mine (the female version). Since I bought it, I get an email every month when he gets his box. and he got his giftbox from me on his birthday!!! He actually got a gift from me - on his bday - albeit I didn't buy it recently.

So I am sooooo thoughtless that I dont wish him a happy bday and soooo thoughtless he got absolutely nothing from me on his bday. WTF Ever!!!! I want to yell that to him but I wont . I will just yell it here.

And also to him - yes I do think I should give therapy a chance and I am and I have been!! You dont care enough about this relationship to get help yourself because you are fucking perfect and you are totally innocent of any wrongdoing. You ruined my spirit you piece of shit!!!!

OK end vent


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)

LOL I needed that

You will soon be bombarded with flowers and gifts.

he doesn't know my home or work address. POS never asked for it when I moved - yay for me


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Cancel the subscription. Simple.

Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Stop torturing yourself. If you don't want contact block his email address/es and block his phone number/s.

If he doesn't know your work address or your home address, he can't reach you. No more contact.


Posts: 627 | Registered: Sep 2010
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

It's prepaid or I would have believe me

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 3:29 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Your work email should be capable of having his emails blacklisted.

What service do you have that has an iphone on a prepaid plan? There are apps to block numbers/texts.


Posts: 627 | Registered: Sep 2010
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

No the gift subscription to him is the prepaid thing. My phone is not prepaid and I have since deactivated FaceTime

I need to figure out the work email blocking part. It's more complicated than you might think. If I explained why it would be revealing too much personal info.

I just want to say thanks again for all the posts and the pms (you know who you are). Everyone has been so helpful, even the meaner posts have helped and I really can't thank this place enough


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Oh. I guess I misread it. I thought your phone was prepaid. Oops.

Maybe you could change the address of the gift subscription to your own?


Posts: 627 | Registered: Sep 2010
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

Ha that is genius ... Going to change address to mine if possible. See he's right, I'm inconsiderate and thoughtless lol

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

It's good to hear you staying so strong, susp.

His birthday text, what a load of horseshit and passive aggressive puke. You know that. You don't have to feel guilty for not encouraging that kind of entitlement and guilt weaving. You're better than that.

I'm glad you're gaining strength from the distance and that you know you have the right to grieve the relationship you wanted with him. Your friend was a jerk to goad you about him still having power over you. It's normal to feel like you're on a rollercoaster, and the plunges down into guilt or regret will get so much less over time. It's just how you process all your feelings. You're a good person. You will feel these things and then move on from them. As long as you keep checking in with yourself to remember that you shouldn't be torturing yourself with the feelings, texts and regrets - and that you should spend some time being kind to yourself, and remembering the good parts of you, too - then you'll heal and regain your happy life. I know it's rocky, but it really does get slowly better.


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

You are getting great advice from others. Keep up the good work.

A funny thing happens along the way as you start to get stronger and your eyes start to open up. Slowly you will find that some of your friends, not all but some...just like the one friend who was not supportive of you....or even the group you might hang out with start to feel not right to you. It won't seem fun or it will seem like they are selfish or childish, but your tolerance for bullshit is really low and you won't want to put up with it any more.

Then again maybe it was just me. What I found I was attracted to whether in the opposite sex or in friends were the crazy, fun, totally selfish type of person. I liked the person who could push boundries. Who seemed to me to have no fears in life. Yet what I found out is that they drew me into their world to a point that it felt really uncomfortable.

Don't know if that makes sense....took alot of IC and digging into FOO issues to see that I liked to choose these types of people. I have a funny feeling if you can get over to the other side of this whole thing you will start to weed out a few other people in your life. Not to be mean, but just to see you have grown beyond them.


Posts: 5524 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

"I must be a horrible person and didn't deserve it."

Read this as "meeeee, meeee, me, all about me."

OMG, words from my passive-aggressive father, to my mother, ringing in ears.

Block and ignore!!!!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 336 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

A -- lose the douchebag. Really, he's just a hot mess.

B -- sportscaster is hitting on you at the gym and you need to work out more? doubt it.

C --

and if I want to have babies, at 36 and starting over, it may be too late to even have a nornal child.

Nah. You're fit. Your chances of having a (healthy) baby are still very high. You might not get pregnant 2 weeks after you stop the pill, but it'll be fine.

Main thing is this: WHY, why did you stay in this push-pull relationship so long? What was the payoff for you? That's what you need to figure out.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

I have a funny feeling if you can get over to the other side of this whole thing you will start to weed out a few other people in your life. Not to be mean, but just to see you have grown beyond them.

Ah, this was true for me too! Really, it started to show up in every area of my life. I changed doctors, grocery stores, the place I get my car serviced... anything that was unpleasant and/or BS just slashed. It just sort of woke me up.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

your tolerance for bullshit is really low and you won't want to put up with it any more.

This is already happening to me. I have another 'good' friend who I'm now keeping at arms length bc of her passive aggressive comments. Two weeks ago she told me my hair was my 'security blanket' when I was discussing my hair extension issue. She also told me that she could see the difference between my real hair and my 'fake' hair. I didnt say anything at the time and actually agreed with her, but after the fact I started to get very annoyed and angry with her and thought to myself "I have 0 tolerance for this shit now" . If I have no friends im ok with that, I am not dealing with women who try to take you down a few pegs with subtly aggressive comments meant to come across as concern or honesty. She said this to me the same night i told her about the breakup. I felt like she kicked me while I was down.

I am DONE with mean people!!! So yes, you are very right RB - as usual.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 9:51 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

I have no plans tonight. No plans this weekend. No one has called. Not that I want them to. I really dont feel like i can be aruond people who dont 'get it'.

I want to watch a good movie. Any suggestions?

Also interesting - my "OW" his ex, the one I have been watching for years. She's going to be on a Bravo reality show. . Will be interesting to watch. Shes on it with her current BF. Oh yeah she cheated on him too, and he caught her. Shes the one Ive been compared to for the last 4 yrs. I will post about it when it airs. I Love bravo too. I will hate her if shes some breakout star and is freinds with Andy. I hope it fails on the first eposide....


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
wannarun
Member
Member # 36871
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Change your number and move on!! Guess what's gonna happen when you get pregnant?......your going to crave sprite and salt!! Then what? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering what he's doing of if you're good enough? Trust me you don't want to go through this again after you're married with children!! It becomes much more difficult!! Take your power and go out and find a good man!! He's "no bueno"


Me/BS - 41 him/WS - 42 2-boys 11&4
DD- Aug 2011 plus several in the months that followed ~ He said "I just needed someone to talk to" I asked if "Oprah was hiding in her panties" he wasn't amused!

Posts: 141 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Lol wannarun. touchť

Muy bueno lol


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
JustAShadow
Member
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

Suspi - I've been a lurker to your story and am just so impressed with how strong you are and how well you are doing (even if it doesn't feel that way sometimes).

Here's a few Netflix ideas for a few different moods.

* The Vicar of Dibley (british tv sitcom hilarity -currently Netflix only has season 1 but it should get you laughing)
* Breaking Bad - it will keep you occupied all weekend long
* The Constant Gardener
* Muriel's Wedding - for that funny/cry vibe

The last two I can watch over and over and over again.

ETA: I realize that last one may seem like a total trigger from the title - but, if you don't know the story of the movie, it's not a relationship story (other than friend relationships) or a real wedding. See, this is why I lurk - I'm sometimes such a dumba$$ with these things called words. I'm gonna go sit in my corner and shut up.

[This message edited by JustAShadow at 12:43 AM, May 4th (Saturday)]


ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 194 | Registered: Feb 2013
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, May 5th (Sunday)

Main thing is this: WHY, why did you stay in this push-pull relationship so long? What was the payoff for you?

I actually thought I couldn't do any better. He was so good looking, so successful, so seemingly in touch with his emotions, and so in love with me - I thought it could't get any better and this was the hand I was dealt. The fighting and the crazy-making was the payoff for having such a 'catch'. Now that I look at it from the outside it seems pathetic.

I had bad examples growing up.


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, May 5th (Sunday)

Maybe I missed it, but why can't you block his texts?? As for the work email, you can probably it up so that his emails go to junk, then you can just delete the junk folder.

Seriously, you have to cut this off. It's not helping you to read his shit. This all seems so self-destructive on your part.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19181 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I hate to admit this. It's a morbid curiosity. I hate myself for this. I dont know why i continue to punish myself mentally.

I'm dying to know if he's dating and what she/they look like. Maybe bc I've been tracking his every move for years? I dont know. I dont know why I cant completely cut him out of my mind. I want to so bad. I want a lobotomy.

When does it get easier? I am a month of NC (from my end anyway - I think he hates me now for not wishing him a happy fucking birthday). I would probably be angry at someone whom I spent so much time with, for not wishing me a happy birthday too. It does seem really cold. Like really cold.

I dont know.

Why am I so sad....work is overwhelming me, I dont have any joy in life. I dont look forward to anything. Dont want to be around or talk to anyone. I have 0 desire to do anything but just sleep. I feel like I am in a nightmare and I'm going to wake up and everything is going to be ok.

Sorry I have no where else to go but here.

Yes Im in IC - yes I'm on AD's.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 11:25 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I am a month of NC

No you're not:

I'm dying to know if he's dating and what she/they look like. Maybe bc I've been tracking his every move for years? I dont know. I dont know why I cant completely cut him out of my mind.

You need to go COMPLETELY NC, including MENTALLY NC.

If you're thinking about him, you're not NC.

If you're getting texts from him, you're not NC.

If you're wanting to know if he's dating, you're not NC.

If you're wondering what his dates look like, you're not NC.

At least you're not initiating any communication with him (right???), but you need to get him out of your mind as well in order for him to be completely out of your life.

What have you tried to substitute? Reading? Exercise? Something else?

Work on STOPPING the thoughts of him, and on doing something else so that your mind will go there less and less, then finally little or not at all.

Then you will be TRULY, COMPLETELY NC, and you will be FREE.

((((suspicious))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2508 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Who cares if it's prepaid. Just call them and tell them you want to cancel it. They can keep the $$ if they fight you on a refund but tell them you want it canceled. Period. Talk to a supervisor or their supervisor if necessary.

Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

The subscription is the least of my worries. It's over in two months. I only mentioned it bc he said I was so thoughtless regarding his bday and that was bought specifically for that purpose.

What have I done to replace? Nothing. That's my problem. I'm having trouble finding the energy or will to do even the simplest things. I don't know how I'm even managing to work. It's a stressful job and I'm sucking wind right now.

I realize how sick it is that he occupies all this head space. But I don't think I have the capacity to control my thoughts. Just not built that way I guess


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

Dear Susp, Saying you are just not built that way is an excuse. It is like saying you aren't built to swim, or run, just because you've never done it before.

Controlling your thought life is possible with training and discipline. I should know! (long story with FOO issues").

You can google how to control your thoughts and challenge yourself to develop coping skills. It has the potential to payoff handsomely!

Good luck, Catt

[This message edited by alphakitte at 5:43 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 336 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I totally agree with alpha, there are even ICs that specialize in positive self-talk and therapy to get you shifting your focus to healthier things and you eventually realize you can control your thought patterns. Because the negative ones you have currently are negative patterns you developed yourself. They can be broken with work.

Something I am working on and getting better at.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)

I just realized something. I think part of my "regression" for lack of a better term is bc of a trigger. I heard a song on the radio and I recognized the beginning . I realized that wx skipped that song every single time it started to play. I finally heard the lyrics and I know why. One of the lines is "yeah I like to fuck, I got a fucking problem". I realize why he skipped it now. He rest of the song is along those lines. It probably hit too close to home for him (and me). And now I have it playing on repeat in my head. I need to look into this controlling your thoughts business

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)

I'm sure I'll get plenty of 2x4s for even looking(if anyone is even still reading this drivel), but i discovered a phone I had in early 2012 and found some texts. And in the spirit of having it all here on this thread so I can come back when Im weak, im going to post some texts.

These are from Jan/Feb 2012

Oh and to the poster that said that I'm posting this stuff "and I was all this , and then he said that" - yes I guess that is what Im doing. I am still hurting. I am still analyzing. I am a thinker. I know I shouldnt be reading this stuff bc he is still occupying my brain. I know. Rome wasn't built in a day. Not trying to make excuses

Me 1/12/12

You have not been enthusiastic about seeing me, taking to me, spending time with me for w hile. Please spend your time with the people you feel enthusiastic abt. No hard feelings, not "jumping down ur throat" just telling you how I feel and the best way I can think to fix it .

ME AGAIN

I can't help I'm going to have a lot if stuff coming up in the next two months (I HAD WEDDINGS,BDAYS, I HAD A LOT OF COMMITMENTS). If ur already upset about the time we r spending on me, I can tell u its only going to get worse until this wedding is over. I guess we just do things for ourself on our own time since we cant seem to come to an understanding of how we do it together. If u could think my feelings were legitimate for once id probably fall over in shock. Its like ur never wrong, its always me. No matter what it is, im always in the wrong in some form or fashion. I know im not always right, but seriously...can I be wrong 100% of the time? I dont think thats statistically possible

ME AGAIN

Seriously, go do all the things u resent me for denying u of. And if u want to play the "no responding" game... cool, i have a black belt in that.

HIM

We are not even talking about the same thing. I am not already upset about anything. Do you think I'm offering to do things for you just because im a nice person? I'm offering because I want to, and because I know it makes you happy, and that in turn makes me happy. Same as what you would do for me. I'm saying that I've offered because I want to, but I don't feel like you've been happy. You're upset with me because I want to watch a football game, or that I have basketball on Wednesdays, or that I have stuff I need to do at my place which can totally be avoided if you actually stayed here like we have been talking abt. It's not about who's right or wrong, no one is trying to say you're wrong. We are simply not viewing the dynamics of what's going on the same way

ME

No ur offering to help because weve been arguing abt ur selfishness and time/resource allocations. You do more stuff and cleaning ard ur house than spend time with me. For the last 3 weeks u have been cleaning all week long except wednesdays. U even cleaned sat morning, everytime I talk to u, ur cleaning or abt to. You may disagree, but ive been watching and yes u spend more time cleaning than u do with me. (when ur awake) your place should be spotless at this point especially since "youre never there". And yes u are already upset!!!!! I said u resent me for doing stuff for me for TWO WHOLE WEEKENDS and u emphatically agreed that yes u were in fact resentful. Pretty cut and dry to me. Please clean ur apt, run ur errands, I wont be asking anything else of u. I had a funny feeling it would come to this

ME AGAIN

And wtf, im upset cause u want to play bball on wednesdays. Ur just making stuff up now. Incredible. Yes, please just think Im angry with u for wanting to watch football or play bball, or go to work, or dermatologist. Ur gonna think that anyways so theres not a damn thing I can do abt it. U must think im mentally challenged or something

ME AGAIN

And thanks for disagreeing with me abt ur lack of enthusiasm. Speaks volumes
IF someone said they thought I didnt want to be around them id fall all over myself trying to convince them otherwise. Anyway ive said what I needed to

HIM

Listen to how upset you are. I'm not calling you names, and I'm not starting a fight with my words

HIM AGAIN
There's no reason to get like that

ME

No YOU listen to how upset I am. Thats the whole point. You care more abt urself than me. Im like a broken record. I didnt start the fight, ur ambivalence was the catalyst. This is going nowhere...we will never agree

HIM

Ur calling me selfish? Youre right we will no agree

ME

Please humor me...how am I selfish? Because I didnt thank you "emphatically" enough??? Because I DID thank u!!! Multiple times. And I DO help u if u ask for it and even offer sometimes when u dont. U always shoot me down. I offered to go get ur clothes for u on sunday when u couldnt get off the couch. I offered to do anything u needed to do saturday. I offered to go to marshalls for u. Offered to make dinner. Offered to come watch u try clothes on today. And this is just in last 7 days.,I do try to do things for u, and have been doing so for more than a few weekends. I dont know what u want from me other than saying thank u more repetitively? Or giving u praise everyime u take the trash out or go shopping with me.do u feel u dont get enough of my time? U think constantly I put my feelings first over urs? U feel like I cant stand to be around you...ever? No. and until u feel that way u will never know what this all feels like.

HIM

Im not expecting you to say thank you of anything for that matter. I'm putting forth the effort to doing the things you want to do, but no matter much I do it's not enough for you. You're examples are not the way it happened either. I'm trying to meet you halfway buy you don't want to do that.

ME

Im sorry two weekends isnt going to make up fir years of focus on u. I would need to see CONSISTENCY over time. Two weekends is four days. U really think that if over a period of months I would see that ur actually changing and not just doing it to shut me up for the time being, then continue to have ur priorities the way u have been all along. I just dont get u, if someone was saying the same thing over and over again, id take notice. And I wouldnt automatically assume they were wrong. Then when I deliver on what they want for a short while, get angry that they didnt appreciate it enough. Point is ur always going to have a negative opinion of me. I cam never voice displeasure without preparing for battle. Ur impossible to talk to. Ur hard to get thru to. Ive said so much tonite and uve only addressed the things that bother u. No remorse for making me feel bad. Its cruel
Im depressed. Have a lovely nite. Im sure u could care less abt all this but it s ruined my mood and im calling it a nite

HIM

NO, you're the one that is focused on starting a fight. It's all about you're not doing this or you're not doing that. Years of having the focus on me? Come on. Ur right, this is depressing. Nite

ME THE FOLLOWING DAY

I dont know if u understand this, but I think its important you know. And I speak for all women when I say this. Even if it doesnt work out with me, youll know for future women. When you are working 7 days a week 14 hrs a day (HE DID THIS EVERY YEAR FOR ABOUT 6 MONTHS OUT OF THE YEAR - WILL GIVE HIM THAT HE IS A HARD WORKER), a woman who is dating u will NEVER feel like the focus is on her. It will feel like its on u. Which is ok , its ur work and u cant help that. But then when your work dies down, its almost like you have to make up that time to her to balance things out. I know ur disagreeing with everything I just said, but I felt it was important that I say that to you at least once. I hope you remember that over the years, with or without me. Thansk for the good morning text, I hope you have a good day too.

HIM

No it's not ok. The focus is not on ME when I am working, it is on my JOB!! And the reason people work is so they can provide for their families. So any woman should understand that if she wants to have a future with this person who is a hard worker and has long hours for part of the year, the hard work will pay off in the long run. It's not about immediate satisfaction, it's about life in the future. So when the work does die down, that opens up time to be spent together or doing things that don't get done during the busy times. There is nothing to "remember" over the years. It is a philosophical difference in the way we view things. You can think that the focus is on me all you want, but you have never worked for your own company so you can't understand what I'm saying to you. Not your fault, and not MINE either!

ME

Again u refuse to see things from my perpective. I said a woman can not feel like shes a priority during those months and would understand bc of all the reasons you stated. But when ur not working those hourse a woman would be hurt if the focus continued to be mainly on u and ur needs. And yes, aside from a few things here and there that is where ur focus has been. Instead u say we have a difference of philosophies. Ha. Not true, I know ur ex did not feel like a priority most times. And complained abt it to u. So we are both wrong and u are right? How bout "yes suspicious I can see why u feel left by the wayside sometimes and im sorry to make u feel that way after all ive put you through. And ill do my best in the future to never make u feel that way". Is that really so hard for you?
This has nothing to do with being self employed vs non. This has to do with quality time and being fully present and engaged in the act at hand, no matter how trivial. And putting someones elses needs above ur own. Isnt that what love is?

HIM

The focus does not continue to be on my needs. And no, aside from a few things here and there?????????!!!!!!!! You don't even realize what you are saying. This is why I say that you are being unappreciative.You don't know anything abt how my ex felt. Don't even try to throw that in my face (OH BUT I DID)I would like for you to show me appreciation by just doing the things that we agreed we would both work on. I'm working on doing things for you, but I feel like you're not doing the same and aren't very motivated in doing anything because you feel that what I'm doing is not enough. I don't want to continue this cycle until it drives us mad. It makes us both unhappy. We are already 2 weeks into the new year when we were supposed to turn over a new leaf.

ME

Ok well we both feel taken for granted. At least we both know how the other feels to some degree. I didnt really know u felt taken for granted. You always say im selfish and I never really interpreted that as u being taken for granted. But when u put it that way I understand more. When u say the things we agreed on are u only referring to working out? Thats the only thing I feel like im failing u on, plus not showing enough appreciation which I said id work on. But all of this is once again being turned on me and u are clean as a whistle. Can u admit any part in this? Or is it all my doing, all the time? I feel like im always bending, always apologizing , admitting fault, trying to make peace, saying ur right and ill work on it, asking how I could handle things differely. Ur so caught up in being right, u never give me any credit. Or do any of the aforementioned things. Like never. "sorry" and "what can I do to make it better" or "i can see how ud feel that way" are not in ur vocab.

And I dont understand u calling me unmotivated. Only because I havent worked out this this week? Becasue I did work out last week, and have been working out but not telling u abt it. I evem told u that. ive been very motivated and been accomplishing tons. So im confused bu that statement. Aside from working out and appreciation where else am I failing u? I wish ud ask me these questions sometimes....see this is how I respond to someone who is unhappy with me. "what can I do to make it better" not "you criticize me and jump down my throat all the time, and ur wrong abt everything u feel"



Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
whensenough
Member
Member # 36700
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Who am I to give advice because I havent completely let go of my situation.

When I first came here mostly everyone told me not to give WS another chance...

I did and now im still stuck on this same stinking ship.

I think alot of people who have been in long term marriages and or relationships want you to not waste anymore of your time or become anymore invested in something that has so much potential to turn out bad.

If you want to keep hope alive do it but do it from a far. If he truly wants you nothing can keep him away even if you appear to be moving on with your life.

One thing I can say is

DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN. I AM BEGGING YOU. IT SUCKS SO BAD TO BE INFINITELY TIED TO SOMEONE LIKE THIS. IF YOU HAVE THESE TYPES OF PROBLEMS NOW KIDS WILL NOT MAKE IT ANY BETTER.

Dont put yourself in that position. its so much harder to leave and knowing that you would bring a child into the world considering where this will likely head is not well thought through. you want to give your child a stable home with 2 parents even though im sure you could do it along dont selfishly use the fact that you could as a justification cause its not what you truly want for your child.

I can say that you sound alot like i did before i was even tied to this man by children.. but now that they are here its way more complicated. You will be wishing that you could turn back the hands of time and take back these best years of your life.

How i wish i didnt give my WS my 20's I could have been enjoying life for myself. Maybe even finding someone who truly loved me.

Time is so precious its the one thing we dont get back. If you want to have hope in this guy go ahead but dont let him waste any more of your TIME!!


WSO: 29
BSO: 27 mommy of 3 under 7, #4 due may 2013
D Day#1: august 25 2010 ow#1
D Day#2: jun 15 2012 from 7 mt PA/EA with ow#2
+ a couple of short term flings.
D Day #3 sometime the last week in march / false R Same ow
OVER IT ALL!! DONE!!

Posts: 222 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Tx
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN. I AM BEGGING YOU. IT SUCKS SO BAD TO BE INFINITELY TIED TO SOMEONE LIKE THIS. IF YOU HAVE THESE TYPES OF PROBLEMS NOW KIDS WILL NOT MAKE IT ANY BETTER.

^^^ This! And she is posting from her perspective.

I'm agreeing from the childrens' perspective!

Susp. You are not the boss of him. You can not make him see anything from any perspective that he isn't interested in viewing it from.

If you read outloud what you've posted here your ears would bleed!

Let.it.go.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 336 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

May 9 - This is by far the most heartbreaking thing I have ever experienced in my entire life

Last night (345 am)- Good, sweet, loving times. Beautiful woman, even luckier guy. Never have I been more happier than the times we shared together. Never has someone made me feel more complete. Never have I fallen so deeply in love. What happened to us? Our bond was so strong. Our love was so deep. Our connection was undeniable. Why can some people make it work and we can't? It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make a damn lick of sense. My soul has lost its once in a lifetime mate. And I don't have a single good answer as to why...


Still not responding but this is getting sad


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

How is it sad? How much of that is true, how much manipulation? Read everything you posted here. Does it really read like deep love? A mystical connection?

It's romantic flowery words but the evidence is, he cheated then crapped all over you emotionally as you tried to connect with him.

If he doesn't have an answer as to why, then he's not owning his actions and issues.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 6:22 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10869 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

Yeah it is so frustrating "he doesn't have a good single reason why"

I guess he thinks I just lost my mind and left him


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

Yeah it is so frustrating "he doesn't have a good single reason why"

I guess he thinks I just lost my mind and left him

susp, kindly: snap out of it.

He doesn't think you lost your mind and left him.

He knows exactly why you removed yourself from the relationship, because you clearly told him why you were leaving him, many times, and you gave him many chances, all of which he dismissed.

His text to you doesn't bear any resemblance to the rest of the emails and text exchanges you have posted.

His latest text feeds in to the fantasy you had of a relationship with him that never existed, but that you really wanted to exist. He texted you "as if" that relationship had been your reality. As if you were two soulmates happily running through fields of wildflowers and planning a future, cruelly cut off by your inexplicable exit stage left.

However you know full well that this was not what your real relationship looked like.

You felt like shit about yourself.

You had to fight for the right to boil water on your stove without being criticized and engaged in 3 days worth of emails about whether or not you were going to tell him that he was right all along about whether or not you should boil water on your stove. That was literally an email exchange you posted here. He would not let you boil water without oversight, criticism and insults.

So please snap out of any guilt fog you feel for cruelly following through on your own reasonable boundaries for a humane, equal relationship with another human being.

My soul has lost its once in a lifetime mate. And I don't have a single good answer as to why...

Well, there you have it. He couldn't do even the smallest reasonable thing for his "once in a lifetime mate", he could not be faithful, he could not listen to you, he could not accept you, he could not let you boil water. That's how much he cared for or respected this special bond, this wonderful beautiful soul mate. And after what looks like 200 full pages of you pouring your heart and soul out to him over email and text, he still doesn't have a "single good answer". Because your words were all nothing, just 'blah blah blah' to him.


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, May 11th (Saturday)

Suspi--let me share a text that I received from Sultan 2 days ago:
blah,blah"You describe me in the very negative ways your mind will currently allow. If we got it, we would still be together. We would of overcome anything. People have done it. We did not."

Can you see that there is absolutely zero empathy or understanding for the fact that he completely fucked up our marriage and how he still is, very subtly, implying that its demise is a *we* problem?

Reading the emails and texts that you post is like travelling back in time for me. The actual subject matter may have been different, but the whole tit-for-tat and 'hot potato' circular arguments/discussions were exactly the same. Exactly. He always somehow made himself the 'victim' of big, bad Gonna....when he was, in fact, the perpetrator.

Why can some people make it work and we can't? It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make a damn lick of sense. My soul has lost its once in a lifetime mate. And I don't have a single good answer as to why...

He wants you to believe that he's sitting around, with his 'soul' in deep despair, trying to figure it all out. What a drama king. What he's really doing is trying to figure out what angle to take that will work best to get you back under his thumb. Ignore the drama llama.

I don't think it's a problem to re-read your old exchanges.....so long as re-hashing it is helping you to *see* the 'reality' of your relationship. It'll help to give you much-needed strength and resolve. But if you're re-reading them and getting caught up in how YOU should have responded differently, then you should stop.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Thanks gonna, I am not reading old things and wishing I said or did something different. I don't know what more I could have done. It strenghthens my resolve when im feeling mean or nostalgic.

Got a text from a mutual acquaintance just now "xweabf (my new acronym - ex wayward emotionally abusive boyfriend) is super depressed over not being with u"

I barely even talk to this person. They maybe saw each other out last night. Xweabf was prob wasted when he sent that text which is why it sounds different from the others

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 4:46 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, May 11th (Saturday)

Sweet Jesus, 16 pages?

Suspicious247....you really need to block this man from your life, phone, email, twitter, facebook, myspace, tumblr, and every other social media you have.

This man, does not love you, he loves the fact that he can manipulate you and get you to do what he wants.

He loves the fact that you bend to his every word, and then give in when he gets even remotely mushy and lovey.

Have you ever see the cycle of abuse laid out for you.

This doesnt have to be violent, it doesnt have to be physical...i can be mental and emotional as well.

YOU cant seem to see that because he's never hit you or been rough with you.

He's literally 'killing you with kindness'...

What you have together, its not healthy at all...You need to LEAVE HIM.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
~Some days are better then others~

Posts: 1614 | Registered: Sep 2012
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

Ummmm I left him at least 6 weeks ago. Thanks. I'm sorry that my 16 pages seem to bother you, maybe ill stop posting. I unlike many on here , actually took everyones advice and left him. Left him! And I have not responded to a single phone call text or email since then.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 6:40 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

Suspi, how are you feeling today?

Want to commend you for not biting the bait of how sad he was over the lost relationship. MrWNW took that approach last time I tried NC. Had me believing he was just SO heart broken, so lost, nearly suicidal. I bit. Came to find out, he was SO heartbroken, yet same day I established NC, he joined back to a dating site, had added multiple old flames even one of last year's OW back to his facebook, was back to talking to women and looking for the next piece.

I guess we'd like to think they are heartbroken, even a little, so that it proves they had a heart. Truth is it's just more manipulation, sick, totally fucking sick for them to use that to lure us. So glad you were strong enough to see that. You're doing SO well!!!

t/j Gonna,

You describe me in the very negative ways your mind will currently allow.

I've heard it so many times. That and "your assumptions" "your perceptions" "you can convince yourself of anything" blah blah. FTGs!!!

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 7:28 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
Heavy Sigh
Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

He works 14 hours a day 7 days a week for a future with whom?

It's certainly not to start a family with you anytime soon, if it all, because he has cheated on you since the beginning, and every time you start thinking weddings and long-term commitment, he throws another hurdle on the path for you to jump over.

There is a time limit on him, as well, if he doesn't know it. Studies of ADHD and autism show risks climb when the DAD is older when he has kids. No one knows why yet - might be old sperm, might be some other cause. If it doesn't turn out to be a biological reason for link, he also has a clock ticking on how much energy and fitness he will have to keep up with a kid.

Even marathon runners can be totally exhausted by a toddler or a 10-year-old in a day when they're 50 and over time, less patient and their peer group isn't in that stage of life, having already passed it.


I'd translate that last email you received to mean "I am horny, come over here." And nothing else.

Since you are 36, I assume this "future" he's working so hard to have is a child with some other fantasy person he hasn't met yet, because there is a limited amount of time for the two of you. If he married you next year and you had a child, he doesn't seem the type to take that situation very well without resentment, throwing it in your face and freaking out over pregnancy body and then never EVER being satisfied with your body again even it it's perfect again after childbirth. Because that's who he is, from how it reads here from what he says and does.

My opinion: I don't think he wants children even though theoretically, he would "one day" want someone to pass on legacy.

How does he see his future? Does he picture it going to the park with a little one; being OK with staying up all night when the kid is throwing up? Does he want to coach kid soccer?

Or does he see his future as working out, biking, running his business and bitching about salt, doing what he wants to do and you being old reliable?

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 7:44 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
Heavy Sigh
Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

Got a text from a mutual acquaintance just now "xweabf (my new acronym - ex wayward emotionally abusive boyfriend) is super depressed over not being with u"

Tell your mutual acquaintance that your ex had no trouble finding women to hook up with DURING your relationship of four years, so not to worry. He will not have lost the skill now that you're no longer accepting that behavior and have left.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 7:49 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
luvedmypbear
Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

(((suspicious247)))

I am so sorry for this painful process. I want you to know you are someone to admire for remaining NC with him. I KNOW how hard it is. The "love of my life" could have been your WSO's twin.

It took me close to 14 years to see what his manipulation was. I always thought I was bright too....PhD by age 27...nice middle management job making over 100K/yr by 28......and lugging around 180 pounds of dead weight since I was 22.

The biggest thing for me is I loved him and I couldn't see that his actions didn't show he loved me back.

He cheated, he was nice, he was mean again, he was sorry, he wasn't sorry, it was my fault for being pregnant and "fat" (then I found out MOW was well over 200 pounds and I weighed 147 the day I gave birth and lost 20 pounds in the first two week post partum). I still believed him.
3 kids later.

I still believed him. I gave up my job and moved 2000 miles away from my FOO. All of my friends left behind. I became totally dependent on him and that's when the physical started......over a decade into our relationship.

And you know what? It was how he was raised, it was all he knew, but instead of trying to get healthy when given the opportunity he said Fuck that, I am having too much fun having a slave at home and sex with whomever I want when I leave the house.

3 failed attempts at R.....even another child born into this mess.....then his father died and he immediatelt answered a CL to have sex at a bar.

And it was my fault for "not being there for him" (in reality I was holding his hand and his father's when he died...I held him while he cried and I listened to him for days)but the chick at the bar "really got him".

Every Mother's Day he used to say....well you know I didn't get you anything....you're not my mother.

Well I guess my three kids under 6 are supposed to go shopping.
Ironically, all I wanted was for him to say, Happy Mother's Day, you are a great mom.

But I would never get that from him because he knew I craved words of affection.
He had to withhold them to continue his control. He needed me to try to be better for him.

At the end of the day, my boobs were too small and I was too skinny after years of being told I was fat. I was 110 pounds at 5'7" with the same size 32B I had the day I met him (he should have asked bigger boobs to marry him).
He was 240 pounds and 6'0.
I started the relationship at 120 (after 3 kids, 10 pounds less than I was in my 20s) and him at 150....and I'm the one with the weight problem.

I tried to rationalize with the irrational for years and SI members trained me not to. They told me that it stops when I want it to stop. They gave me control.
And now I take responsibility for my life and no longer allow his drama to ruin my day. It still hurts, but it does get better.

Take Care and I'm glad you are continuing to post and think this through.


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Sep 2009
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

Suspi, how are you feeling today?

I am doing ok thanks so much for asking wnw. Weekends are hard for me - for whatever reason. Probably because I know he is out living his life going to bars and trying to meet women and I'm doing the complete opposite. I not leaving the house much except to go to the gym (which makes me feel icky bc thats what HE wanted me to do - but I do it knowing that it's good for me) I know I'm not the only one hurting but I dont buy for a second that he's just some heartbroken and lost soul. Well maybe the lost soul part. I like you, have done this dance before. After DDay and I ended things in 2010 he professed how bad his "heart was bleeding" and he was so lost without me. I bought it at the time but found out later it was all BS. He was dating and sleeping with some Brazilain hoe who was a bottle girl at a club. Real classy. I know everything out of his mouth is a lie.

Tell your mutual acquaintance that your ex had no trouble finding women to hook up with DURING your relationship of four years, so not to worry. He will not have lost the skill now that you're no longer accepting that behavior and have left.

I repsonded to that person that it was all an act and if he was so upset he would have listened to me the countless times I tried to get through to him over the past 4 years.

But I like your response better!!

I actually found a text right when we R'd We must have gotten into a fight and I was asking him not to yell at me anymore. This has been going on literally since the day we R'd. I was so so blind then.....

He works 14 hours a day 7 days a week for a future with whom?

I hear you. I think some it has to do with the fact that it's a family business and his two younger sisters' future lies in his hands. The family is very dysfunctional and all the kids have ever done is work for the family business. At 29, 32, and 35 they have no other work experience than that. It defintiely had nothing to do with me - expecially with me being the age I am and him skirting the issue everytime I asked.


My opinion: I don't think he wants children even though theoretically, he would "one day" want someone to pass on legacy.

I agree - he only wants to have children when it's coming from a place of narcicism. To pass of the genes that he believes are so superior to everyone else's.

How does he see his future? Does he picture it going to the park with a little one; being OK with staying up all night when the kid is throwing up? Does he want to coach kid soccer?

Or does he see his future as working out, biking, running his business and bitching about salt, doing what he wants to do and you being old reliable?

I dont think he even has the foresight to picture his future. I have seen him with a toddler once before and it literally made me uncomfortable watching. He was like a fish out of water. It was clear he had NEVER been around yong kids. I think He thinks he would be a great dad. Why wouldn't he? Hes perfect! And in some respects (financially) he would be. But I think his kids, should he ever find someone to put up with his madness, will be miserable. Just like him.

He should have no problems finding someone - women (including myself) are dumb. They see good looking, fun, rich, complimentary, like to shop, in touch with emotions - and think they hit the jackpot.

It wil ltake them about 6 months to see the real him.

I feel bad for whoever she is - she'll always get compared to me - just I was always compared to the one before me.

"I" am a much better woman than she (OW#1) will ever be and HE KNOWS IT. He knows he'll never meet another person who understood him like I did, made him laugh like i did, I am a quality woman and not a dime a dozen and he knows that.
Even thoght its been stomped on for as long as I can remember, I have a heart of gold that is irreplaceable.

And he knows that.


[This message edited by suspicious247 at 8:26 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

He is the kind that wants what he can't have. It is a very ugly cycle to be caught in.

Yep, like you, I suspect the 3:45 am text was alcohol laced.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 336 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

He should have no problems finding someone - women (including myself) are dumb. They see good looking, fun, rich, complimentary, like to shop, in touch with emotions - and think they hit the jackpot.

It wil ltake them about 6 months to see the real him.

I feel bad for whoever she is - she'll always get compared to me - just I was always compared to the one before me.

"I" am a much better woman than she (OW#1) will ever be and HE KNOWS IT. He knows he'll never meet another person who understood him like I did, made him laugh like i did, I am a quality woman and not a dime a dozen and he knows that.
Even thoght its been stomped on for as long as I can remember, I have a heart of gold that is irreplaceable.

And he knows that.

Suspi, I feel I could've written that myself. You're so very right. MrWNW has even stated that before. He said "YOU are the diamond, you always have been. There's rocks out there, maybe even gems, but you're THE diamond, my diamond. It's always been since we were 15."

Yet as of last week he was trying to sell me that he could find someone else to meet his "needs", someone else to blindly trust him, not live "in chains" with "a dictator". My response? Do it. -.- I'm truly, truly not scared.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

Suspi, I feel I could've written that myself. You're so very right. MrWNW has even stated that before. He said "YOU are the diamond, you always have been. There's rocks out there, maybe even gems, but you're THE diamond, my diamond. It's always been since we were 15."

Yet as of last week he was trying to sell me that he could find someone else to meet his "needs", someone else to blindly trust him, not live "in chains" with "a dictator". My response? Do it. -.- I'm truly, truly not scared.

Our stories are eerily familiar with the exception of a few things. He told me I was the "smartest and funniest person he'd ever met. He qualified it as to say that he can't believe a "woman" is so smart and so funny. What an anomoly!

He also told me I am the most beautiful woman he has seen "in real life". And that I am actually more beautiful without makeup.

He also told my my heart is so pure and he's so lucky to have me and asked how did he get so lucky to end up with me?

All while giving me silent treatment for asking about his whereabouts or 'not listening' to him when he asks me to keep the doorway clear etc etc. Or not greeting him properly at the door.

He thought I was so broken that he woudl never lose me. He had the perfect storm. Someone who was attractive, independent, financially well off, funny, and thoughtful. But also with FOO issues which made all of this possible bc I didnt think i deserved to be treated better. Most people who are good on those same aspects dont have FOO and abandonment issues and would not put up with his BS. Good luck finding another one of me!

WNW - I think instead of 180 you should 86 this guy.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 9:19 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

WNW - I think instead of 180 you should 86 this guy.

That's quite possible. Major life decisions seem overwhelming to me at this point, though. The 180 is strengthening me, helping me stand strong, reminding me how valuable I am, how much I contribute to the lives of my family, my children, my friends. I can say at present, there's no missing him, no yearning, no dreaming. I'm in a good place. He's supposedly not. I'm ok with that. I'm not interested in rescuing him. I see through the BS. I still take him to court/appts/store, etc, and I'm ok with that too. I am maintaining my integrity through this separation. We are split, I just haven't gone NC.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

Susp, that person that texted you, that you hardly ever talk to? Possibly Ex and this person were together and since he hadn't gotten any responses from you he set the acquaintence up to see if you'd respond to them. Such games!

As to his statement that he doesn't understand Why? Either nothing you've said has sunk in, or he's escalating the attempts to get you to break NC. So, he's either that insensitive and lacks the ability for introspection, or he plays emotional and mind games. He's a loser, either way.

F.T.G!

[This message edited by alphakitte at 12:25 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 336 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

I just got the results of my physical today and I sooooo want to throw it in his face!! My numbers were great. Perfectly healthy on all accounts. God it is so hard not to shove that in his face.

Anyway I read some texts right when we were ending things at the begging of April. I wanted to post- I'm starting in the middle or Id be posting pages worth - we are talking about his health hang ups with me.

Him

It is important that you understand. You were intent on pushing me away and saying its either a yes or a no. While I understand the urgency and reason for trying to push it, I don't understand how without understanding what I'm saying and how it relates to our relationship you can make a determination and assumptions. Don't you want me to be happy the same as yourself? Or do you hate me that much

Me

No it's the fact that idont make you happy as I am. If that's the case ill never satisfy you

Him

Not true. If you said to yourself, you know what, I do value what he's saying and I want to do things that would make both of us happy, then we are getting somewhere. I would do the same for you. If you said to me Wxbf this is really important to me and I really hope you hear me out and listen because I would be happy if you did these things, I would listen and make every effort to meet you half way.

Me

I asked you to stop yelling and communicate with me more and that never happened. I sent you countless emails about your yelling, silent treatments, spending time with me. Validating my feelings. Putting me first. I told you countless times and you just ignored it

Then I list out the things I will change for him and my grievances. Too long to post

Him in response to that

Maybe because I thought you were ignoring me? I'm sorry if I ignored those things. I wasn't trying to ignore them, and I'm not making excuses for why I may have, but maybe I thought that since you didn't seem interested in my views it gave me a feeling of the same

Him again


Do you realize that in all that you said, you mostly mention what I need to do for you? You say, I'll greet you when you come home with a hug and kiss (his request) and cook twice a month (his request again), and be mindful of how you compliment me. Then say I'll give you the benefit of the doubt more. Other than that, everything else is what I need to do, for you...

Me

I've been asking for this for years. You've been saying the health thing as a way to shift the blame off yourself for my compliants. You have a temper problem, you have poor communication skills poor boundaries and never even once admitted them or tried to fix them.
I told you I was SCARED and INTIMIDATED by you and you brushed it off

Him

Like I said, bring on the hate. I can take it

Him
Yea, because I'm such an abusive boyfriend. Smh

Me

If you even care to read my emails from the years you'd see I was saying the same thing. Only because I said those things did you start with the health issues.

Me again

Mentally yes you are

Him
Ok great thanks

Me
You can listen or not . It's your future happiness at stake

Him
I would say the same things to my family

Me
I doubt you'd yell at them for not eating their steak. Or messing up a pan

Him

Who the hell are you to tell me about my future happiness? Given what you have written the past few days you could give two shits. I should have figured that a long time ago

Me

Or not keeping the door open. Or smacking my food.

Him
Actually, I would absolutely and have said something about all those things if they did that. Without a doubt!!

Me
Or going to the bathroom too much in Mexico. Or not being thankful enough

Him

Yup, all of it

Me
Yes you would say something maybe. But much kinder and with much more dignity and respect

Him
You take what I'm saying as mean and disrespectful. I would have said it the same exact way, no difference. You don't know me

Me
Would you say they are superficial for having plastic surgery while you are starting at yourself in the mirror

Him
Haha, you called me superficial for looking in the mirror. As much time as you and every other woman looks at themselves in the mirror, I'm called superficial for digging at my pimples. Yea that makes sense

Him again
If you're in the throwing mud stage of the breakup then save it. I don't want to get into a back and forth. I have not and will not sling mud and call you names like you have been doing to me. If it makes you feel better, then go right ahead. I can take it like I said. But if you want to drag me into an all out fight its not going to happen. I have been nothing but sad and depressed and wanting to talk all this out. You're intent on wishing me a life of evil. Calling me names, and airing out dirty laundry. Wishing that something "doesn't " happen to me or a loved one in the future because I may regret my actions from the past. What kind of person says those things? Not the Susp I know. When the real Susp comes back, let me know. She is much more loving and would never say some of the things I have been reading. I've only wanted to work through things

Me
I'm not slinging mud. I'm trying to help you understand. But that's not happening. You will understand in your next relationship. After the honeymoon period is over.I am not wishing any ill towards you you took that the wrong way. I just meant that life throws you curve balls and you can't predict what happens. Maybe you won't regret this. Who am I to say.

Me again
Contrary to what you think I want the best for you. I have said a prayer that god will bring you peace and everything you want out of life. You are a good person. And I hope your inner turmoil subsides over time. You will have a happy future and will find the woman of your dreams.
If you really wanted me to understand where you were coming from you would have made sure I did. I understand that you gave up and i do not fault you for that. There was probably way more too why you didn't want to marry besides that and you didn't want to hurt my feelings.

Him
I wanted to make you understand. Your stubbornness didn't allow me to explain a thing. You thought I wanted a trial period. I said no such thing. I wanted a promise to make your best effort to understand something that is important to me. Nothing more than a promise. You only wanted to curse me

Then a lot of uninteresting stuff then him again

I'm mad at myself for not pushing this earlier. I'm mad at myself for everything I have done to cause you mistrust. I'm mad at myself for letting you down, and letting myself down in the same breath. I'm mad at myself for many things.

Me
I'm sorry for trying to force a relationship you didn't want

Him
No, it's not how I felt about it all. Maybe some of it. I felt misunderstood at times. Like you didn't take me seriously. And always feeling like when I say something you think I'm being a parent

You didn't force anything. I wanted our relationship and still do. I know what kind of girls there are out there, and none of them hold a candle to you. I do realize this, very much so

I'm so sad about all of this. Everything you have said to me the past few days has been devastating. I know you're speaking in anger, so I try to take it with a grain of salt. But it still hurts. I tell myself I deserve it and just take it. I wish I could take back so many things. Rewind time and do it over again. Not that easy

Me
Something just occurred to me. When we spoke, and I gave you the floor. I didn't interrupt. I let you say everyhing you wanted to say . At the end I said are you done? You said yes. Why now is it that I don't understand ?

Him
I don't know? From what you're reciting back to me you think I wanted a trial period. I was looking for a promise to see and understand my point of view more than you have in the past

Ok that's all for now.


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)


Edited bc I double posted accidentally

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 4:37 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Continued from last post

Him
I'm asking for you to listen to me and what I'm saying. I'll give you the specifics. Don't be negative about it

Me
Whatever you have to say is not an excuse for being disrespectful and mean

Him
I'm not being disrespectful or mean, what are you talking about

Me
You have been many times in the past. I've emailed you countless times about it

Him
Why are of doing this to yourself and us. What good is reading old emails going to do for you? Nothing!!!you need to delete all that stuff. It's like the plague

And like you haven't been is disrespectful to me??? That's the pot calling the kettle black

Me

Yes but you didn't plead and beg and send me countless emails and texts asking me not to. So clearly didn't affect you as much and if you're saying i did it as much as you you're lying to yourself . When I did it I was defending myself. It is not in my nature to be mean

When we got back from cabo you didn't send me an email outlining every time I got angry with you and how it make you feel and how you were ready to end things (I did)

You didn't care that I was crying all the time and losing my mind trying to make you happy
You probably didn't even read the emails
It's all about you and what I can do to make you happy. But what about me? Do I not matter? Go back and read them they are heartbreaking

Him
No it didn't affect me as much because I would drop it. I have a short memory of that type it stuff because its not worth harping over. If you said something that offended me, a couple days later I wouldn't even remember it

Not its not all about me. That's the same thing I said to you this morning. In your hotel message you were asking for all things for yourself. Not what you would do for me

Then he had his revelation that he wanted to propose after I sent him that sappy text about how ill compare everyone to him. The next day i asked...

I have a very serious question to ask you and I'm texting it so you have time to think about your answer.

You haven't wanted marriage thus far , what is changing your mind?

Him
I had a revelation that it really doesn't get any better than us. All of this nonsense we are going through, is just that...nonsense. You're the love of my life and its time we move on to the next chapter together

Me
What about the screaming and getting super mad at me for little things? Or because I didn't "listen" or I make some kind of mistake. Will your reaction to those things change or is that something I would have to deal with?

Him
I know you're at your tax meeting. Hope all is going well

Me
I don't want to sour things by asking uncomfortable questions but I need to think about them and I need you to think about them

Him
I don't know how to answer that. I will make every effort to make you happy and every effort to not let the little things matter so much. You know I'm stubborn, we are very alike in that regard. But we both have to give in on that and I will be the first to admit I need to let some things go

Me
Ok bc I don't want to spend the rest of my life worried ill piss you off.

Him
Everyone makes mistakes. And we should listen to each other and respect each other. After all we are in this together

And I don't want you to live your life worrying about that. That's not a way to live

Did you have other things you wanted to talk about? Reason being is I was going to go the gym for lil

Him
Morning, please let me know you're ok. I haven't heard from you

Me
Morning I am ok: I went to get taxes done, spray tan, work out and then went to bed. You never responded to my texts so I guessed you just spent a long time at gym. Turned phone off and tv on and laid in bed. Hope you have a good day

Him
Why do you turn your phone off? Do you get calls at night?

Then uninteresting stuff and then the gym incident happened

Me
I'm so disappointed you've changed your mind and aren't "the surest you've ever been" about marrying me. I don't know how to tell you just how bad that makes me feel. I woke up this morning and I was dreaming about you, silly dream but you were in it. And it took me about 5 mins to realize everyhing that's going on. I know you don't intend to make me feel bad by wanting more time. But it kills me that you still need it to be sure . I really don't think we were meant for each other. And seeing or hanging out or talking to you would just make things harder . I hope you find that person that makes you so sure you want walk down the aisle fast enough. I pray that happens for me too

And that was basically when I went dark.

Haven't heard from him since the 4 am text. Maybe he is dating someone new. Wish I could say the same....


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Haven't heard from him since the 4 am text. Maybe he is dating someone new. Wish I could say the same....

With great affection, dating really is the last thing you should be thinking about right now. You still seem quite hung up on NPDX. I totally understand, but it stops when you say it does. How can you move forward if you're seeking out information (including old conversations) with him?

Who cares what he's doing on a weekend night? Find fabulous things that you can do with friends.

The book "Getting Past Your Breakup" was really helpful for me.

If you were to start dating right now, it's likely you'd end up with someone else who was bad news, because someone who's got their act together will recognize that you're not quite ready for a relationship yet. You will be, but someone who is decent, who is worthy of you, will want you to be your best self.

Work on finding that best self -- find new interests, friends, hobbies, etc. Make a fun, interesting life for yourself and someday, not too far in the future, you will find an amazing partner and be so happy that you left this craziness behind.

Huge hugs. I know it's tough, but you really can't move forward if you're stuck in the past.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3101 | Registered: Dec 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Hi SI'ers - it's been a while since I posted and just wanted to give an update.

Nothing has changed. He has not reached out to me since the 4 am sappy text on May 11. I have not reached out to him at all - not a peep since April 6.

He knows I mean business so he's leaving me alone. (my assumption)

As for how I'm doing....well it's been almost 3 months and I thought I'd be further along in my healing. I still think of him daily. Sometimes I have to really pump myself up to stay mad and remind myself of the bad times.

It seems the more time goes by, the more the bad times fade into the background and the good times are left in the forefront. I second guess myself (but that is nothing new, he made me do that for 4 years so I am an expert at that) and my decisions about life.

I am angry at myself for not being further along. Which perpetuates my stagnation (for lack of a better term) so it's almost a vicious cycle. The only thing I can hold on to is - I left in a classy way, and I have stayed the course for almost 3 months.

Fingers crossed the next 3 months are easier.

But I AM alive and healthy.

Oh and I'm only crying once or twice a week instead of daily/hourly. So there IS some type of progress, though it seems almost insignificant.

I am seeing an IC weekly still and she's great. Gets it. Was in an emotionally abusive relationship herself (for 10 yrs) - so it is great to have validation. No one in my personal life understands fully what I went through and what I am going through. Not that I blame them, it took me just shy of 4 yeras to figure it out myself.

And I would have never figured it out (or figured it out when it's too late) if it was not for you all.

So a BIG thank you to all who posted on my thread. Your help, time reading our back-and-forth dribble, and your words of wisdom were not in vain. I heeded everyone's advice and continue to do so - to this day.

But it aint easy.

Hope everyone is well...

Susp247

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 7:56 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

((((((suspi))))))))

I'm proud of you for not going back to what was familiar. For not settling.

Glad to see you.


Posts: 3093 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Oh and I'm only crying once or twice a week instead of daily/hourly. So there IS some type of progress, though it seems almost insignificant.

I don't think that sounds insignificant.

Breakups are hard. They're hell. Hang in there; you're doing great.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6167 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Hi SIers,
I hope everyone is well....it's been months since I've come here.

I have updates.

I have not heard from him nor reached out to him in 5 months. I actually think he is dating someone. Which doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would, I'm more jealous that its not me who's moved on and dating someone new. My life is pretty pathetic and don't get out much. I've cut a lot of friends out of my life bc of their lack of support. I was there for them during breakups but they were not good friends to me when I needed them the most.

So needless to say things have been hard losing a boyfriend and friends. I've tried to stay strong. I'm still seeing a therapist. And I've reached out to some recently single co workers who aren't in my age range but we've been keeping each other busy. So I am very thankful for that.

So to my update- last night I was out with my new friend/coworker and we saw my ex with his new girlfriend. He basically acted like she didn't exist and didn't walk in with her, but I've seen pics of her sitting on his lap so I know they are together. We left within 10 minutes, and I wasn't sure if he even saw me.

Then tonight I get this text from him (which confirms he did see me)-

Hi...would you be open to talking about a few things sometime soon?

To which I replied -

Hi I'm guessing this is about my stuff at your warehouse. Was planning on contacting you to schedule movers to pick my stuff up on Novemeber 2. Just confirmed this date last week. Will that work for you?

And his response was -

Not exactly about that. You're welcome to keep it there as long as you want. I feel unsatisfied with how things ended and thought maybe having the benefit of 5 months time would give some closure. There is a lot left unsaid after 4 yrs of togetherness

The advice I'm getting is to not respond bc he's trying to lure me back in. But then he speaks of "closure" (I didn't really understand that sentence ) so maybe he really wants to just clear the air and not have any bad blood.

Thoughts anyone?


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Yep, he wants you not to think poorly of him. ALL about HIM, . . . AGAIN!

Give him crickets.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 336 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

crickets

Doesn't matter why he's fishing, you're not biting.

ps - great to see you again.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22672 | Registered: Aug 2011
sullymeishadomi
Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

I totally agree with the crickets.

And get your stuff out of hiz warehouse asap! If you have to be there take a person or two or three with you.

This guy is a doozie. He is abusive at least, has a God complex (walking ahead of his women as if he is not with them). Most definitely he is trying to lure you in again.

Once you remove your items, block his number and if he tries contacting you again file charges.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

Only discuss confirming a date to get the remaining items you have in his storage space. If he tries to steer the conversation elsewhere, simply say you have nothing else to discuss with him other than making arrangements for movers to get your belongings.

Once that has been arranged and your items are back in your possession you have no reason to contact him, look him up on Facebook, or to talk to him about.

It's still all about him. Keep it about you and getting your things and even keep that dialog at a minimum.


Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

1.You guys talked and emailed and talked some more about all your issues for months before you broke up. There's nothing unsaid. You know that. You knew that back in May when he was trying to lure you in and you were standing firm. You left it all out on the field, so to speak.

2. You guys have had closure - he's moved on and you don't think of him that much anymore.

3. You guys don't have bad blood - you just had a perfectly civil back and forth over text about the removal of your stuff from his property.

and 4. He has a girlfriend now. Emotional talks about "what went wrong between us" and "getting closure" is no longer appropriate for a person who is involved with someone else.

He was incredibly, abusively controlling and your indifference is his kryptonite. That's no longer your problem.

Get your stuff and finish healing and rebuilding. No contact, no soul suckage.


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

"X, the movers will be there to get my stuff on 11/2. You and I have nothing else to discuss."

Then: *crickets*


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I am soooooo tempted to send him a pic of his little whore sitting on his lap and say I don't ever want to be with someone who is capable of doing this. (He doesnt know i know about her) And you've proven yourself capable many times . You don't deserve me. He'll no I don't want to meet for coffee. Take your girlfriend out for coffee.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 8:38 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I haven't been with another man since the day I met him (still to this day)! How many has he been with!? 10/20/50? Fucking asshole

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 8:34 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

The advice I'm getting is to not respond bc he's trying to lure me back in. But then he speaks of "closure" (I didn't really understand that sentence ) so maybe he really wants to just clear the air and not have any bad blood.

Thoughts anyone?

I think he knows exactly which buttons to push on you, and that any contact with him will snare you because you want to talk to him. You are being played.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I
haven't been with another man since the day I met him (still to this day)! How many has he been with!? 10/20/50? Fucking asshole

Ok, this is a really great example of why you should not contact him again. Go FULL CRICKETS.

He makes you feel like crap. Just the sight of him works you up and fills you with anger. You're now dwelling on him and how crappy a person he is instead of focusing on yourself.

This is why you can't "chat". Give him crickets and if you need extra motivation in a weak moment then just realize it's the worst thing you can do to a control freak. But really it's for you. Don't contact him because it's the best thing for YOU.


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Just for posterity I wanted to post the rest of the convo. I have not responded

Me

Thanks for offering to let me keep my stuff there. I actually was going to donate it all to Salvation Army, except the bed and nightstand. I'm buying new living room furniture and don't need anything else except tiffs mattress and box spring. It's kind of a logistical nightmare that I'm not looking forward to.

On the part about closure, do you have questions for me or do you have things to say? I don't feel like I have anything left unsaid other than I have no ill feelings towards you, there's no bad blood. I wish only the best for you and hope you are happy now. I didn't want to end things so abruptly but that was the best way I knew how to move on in the least painful way. And i even told you a bunch of times, thats how i end relationships. i think its healthy to sever ties completely until there are no feelings left for each other. also You were dismissing or arguing every point I tried to make. we were just not good for each other. We were both miserable and I didn't see another option. Contrary to what some of your texts said over the last few months, I am not a vengeful person, I honestly thought I was doing right by both of us. It was hard, don't get me wrong. But it was easier than dragging it out and continuing to have conversations that went in circles. You don't have to explain anything to me, I understand I wasn't right for you and vice versa.

Oh and I really really appreciate everything you've done for me. So a sincere thank you

Him

I understand about the logistical nightmare which is why I said don't worry about how long it stays there. It's safe and not going anywhere until the time comes when you want to move it.

As for us, I have many questions and things to say. I'm glad to know that you don't have ill feelings, and neither do I, but I'm a little surprised to hear that you have nothing to say given the way things ended. Even though it was hard, I understood then (and do now) that the manner in which you acted was to make it the least painful way to move on for you (and as you said for us). And yes, you did say many times that's how you end your relationships. I don't necessarily disagree with your strategy, but I can't say that I have no feelings left for you. I agree that we were arguing, and had conversations that went in circles, and a generally unhealthy back and forth communication at the end. But I still felt we owed it to each other at some point to come together and have a more mature and peaceful discussion devoid of blaming, arguing, bickering, etc.

These past few months have been some of the most difficult times in my life. Maybe we weren't right for each other, but I still felt we were more right than wrong. At the very least, the most "right" relationship I have ever had. I've gone through countless emotions and a whirlwind roller coaster of feelings and thoughts of which I thought best to write down. And while I knew that these thoughts, letters, notes, reminders, journal, will probably never get read, it served as a way for me to vent and express myself. I would say that the healing is still a work in progress. Time does help even though the length of time for full recovery is still yet to be determined.

I do hope that you are happier now, and I also wish nothing but the best for you. You deserve it all. You don't have to thank me for what I've done for you. You've done just as much for me if not more. Showed me how deeply I'm capable of loving, and brought out my better qualities among many other things.

Maybe we can meet over coffee sometime to talk about some things. I know you said there isn't anything left unsaid but given the way things ended I find that hard to believe. I don't feel like i need to "explain" anything as you said, it's more of a perspective view discussion that may be beneficial for both of us


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
sullymeishadomi
Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Didnt you end it because of this crap; his game playing. His putting you down and then playing huggy kissy.

From your last post it seems to me you are still caught in his web. You are communicating with him. Yes, he is going to say there are things left unsaid for him because this abusive control freak ahole feels he can still lure you in. Look, he is dating someone new (the poor woman) and he is still grabbing for you. He still has you in his web. Get out. Do not respond to him. Do not communicate with him. Nothing. Dont even give him crickets. Give him dead silence.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

suspicious247 - after 5 months of NC you opened the door wide open.

He doesn't want closure, he wants the last word, he wants you as a back up. He wants to know that he still gets to you.

Pick up your stuff and move on. You know that you are healthier and better without him, please dont let him Hoover you back into his crappy little life.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
~Some days are better then others~

Posts: 1614 | Registered: Sep 2012
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Boy I guess I did open a floodgate. I'm going radio silent again. This is the last text I got from him. I think there's a nice person in there who's going to leave me alone now.

my reaching out to you was precipitated by running into you on Saturday night. But in all honesty, I have been keeping myself from reaching out to you the past few months because I thought that's what you wanted. I haven't heard a word from you in response to any texts or voicemails I had sent and i figured that you would reach out, if ever, when you were ready to do so.

Then Saturday night happened and a whole wave of emotions and life experiences flashed in front of my eyes. My entire demeanor changed from earlier and I was a wreck for the rest of the night.

I understand you not wanting to talk at this time and I respect that. And I also understand you saying that I wouldn't want to find myself in a situation like what turned our relationship sour in the beginning. However, I am just not ready to devote myself, my heart, my mind to any new relationship. I am honest and upfront about that and seeing you (well actually only sensing your presence because I didn't even see your face) only further emphasized those feelings. I'm just not over it, I guess, and I don't know how long it will take. I haven't been able to move on.

I hope you take care of yourself as well. It really is a tragedy that things took this direction with us. I find myself unable to not think of or see something that reminds me of you every day or every couple of days. I do plan on continuing to write things down because it has been therapeutic for me. And even though I haven't gone back and read any of it, one day (when I have lots of time:) I think I will. Hopefully it will show some personal development through the months, or at least some peace.

You deserve Peace, happiness, love, a family, a good man, everything you have ever wished for or wanted you deserve. I haven't met anyone in my life who has a bigger heart than you do. I hope and pray to God that you find your happiness. And who knows, maybe our paths will cross again and things will align. With love - wexbf


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
sullymeishadomi
Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Nice? Suspicious, Seriously?!

Let us please go back to this time you saw him.

He has a new female, right? Who walked in the door first, her or him? It was him, right? His behavior, you said, was if he didnt know this woman he was dating. Friend, girlfriend, family, a woman coming in the door at the same time as him, a nice person would have held the door open for her. He wouldnt have acted as if he didnt know her.

A nice guy doesnt date, doesnt have a woman sitting on his lap then try and turn you into an ow.

Trust me, he isnt nice. He is acting. He would in an instant treat you like what you wrote months ago.

The last emails were all a ruse.

Silence. Deafening silence.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I think there's a nice person in there who's going to leave me alone now.

Ha!
He isn't *nice*...he's a creepy creep who knows the exact right buttons to push and tone to use to keep you *engaged*.

Get whatever shit of yours that is still in his possession away from him ASAP and put him in your rear-view mirror.....and as a little *helper*, you can re-read that message he sent you, specifically that middle part that talks about how he hasn't moved on, doesn't want another relationship, blahblah...and insert "except for that chicky that was all over you last weekend" at the end of every sentence so that you can reinforce to yourself that he is an emotionally unhealthy nut.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)

He said in a seperate text that he told her that very night he wasn't over me and they haven't spoken since. He actually said he reinforced it, as if to say he was up front about it to begin with. He said he was in a good mood up until the time he sensed my prescence I(since he never actually sa my face) and then was a wreck for the rest of the night.

I would post the text but I get the suspicion that everyone is sick of reading our shit. I may post it anyway to have this all in one place, this has turned into a journal/diary of sorts for me.

Old habits die hard - and I verified it is in fact true they have not spoken since that night. Poor girl. I know what it's like and it's an awful feeling knwoing the person you are interested in is interested in someone else. She's probably having rough time . But if what he said was true, and he warned her up front, then her bad.

Girls really need to listen when a man says who he is. Myself included


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

The thing is that you opened the door to him finding the words to wiggle back into your life.

All that you should have texted/sent him back was that you will be at the place at X to pick up things.

And the thing about closure is that sometimes, you don't get it. Sometimes opening the door to put things to rest is worse then leaving the door closed.

And we are not sick of hearing about it, but we find that this has become quite a circular conversation, so when you break NC again, you just get the same answers you got back on page 1.

And i have to agree that this man is not really nice.

He's personable, he's got the ability to break through guards, but he uses that to get what he wants, not to actually be nice.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
~Some days are better then others~

Posts: 1614 | Registered: Sep 2012
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

Yup, welcome to the cycle of abuse where they become "nice!!" and they are "regretful" and they try to achieve "personal growth" and in closing they wish "only the best for you". Then they go sniff sniff. If only. They often use the word "tragedy" to make it sound like they were a victim. If abusive control freaks like him didn't have this mask, no woman would ever date them.

He said in a seperate text that he told her that very night he wasn't over me and they haven't spoken since. He actually said he reinforced it, as if to say he was up front about it to begin with. He said he was in a good mood up until the time he sensed my prescence I(since he never actually sa my face) and then was a wreck for the rest of the night.

Oh whatever. Sensed your presence? He just "saw you". There's nothing magical fairy unicorn hearts about recognizing an ex sitting in a club. And of course it bummed him out! You're not under his control! A mere year ago, he had the pleasure of forcing and bullying you into admitting that you boiled water "wrong", and now here you are reminding him that you live your own life without him. Of course that made him mad! He doesn't want you to be happy. He wants you to be under his control.


Old habits die hard - and I verified it is in fact true they have not spoken since that night. Poor girl. I know what it's like and it's an awful feeling knwoing the person you are interested in is interested in someone else. She's probably having rough time . But if what he said was true, and he warned her up front, then her bad
.

How the heck did you "verify" that he hasn't talked to her? Are you following him? Bugging his phone? Come on, susp, snap out of it! I'm assuming you've been checking his facebook if you've seen pictures of his new girlfriend. Why are you doing this?

And yes I'm certain he's held a phantom ex girlfriend over his new girlfriend's head - I'm sure it's not really YOU he's been using to make her feel like crap about herself. Because remember how he didn't like you? How you didn't take care of yourself, couldn't boil water, weren't smart or even entitled to your own opinion? Remember that's how he felt about you? And told you, at length, every chance he got?

[This message edited by circe at 8:16 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, September 13th (Friday)

He said in a seperate text that he told her that very night he wasn't over me and they haven't spoken since.

Who the f' cares. Why haven't you blocked him?


Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Yep you're all right and I know it. Everytime I have a tinge of doubt or nostalgia I snap out of it by reminding myself that he is a lair. Plain and simple.

I work in telecommunications. I'm not tapping or stalking. It's an easy lookup for me, but I know I shouldn't care enough to look but what can I say, I did.

I realize this is all the "nice" phase and he's trying to remind me how great we were when we weren't fighting. But I remind myself that I don't want to be someone who's proven themselves capable of all these things. I don't care how much "growth" he's had. That person is still in there. He said he never went to counseling because I didn't respond. And I said don't you see how it shows that you think I'm the problem in the relationship if I'm the only one that needs counseling? His mom was telling him basically what to do and think at that time.

It's been good to clear the air, But I'm never going back. As much as I want to be with the nice person in there. I deserve more. I deserve to trust wholeheartedly again.

The Facebook picture, It's not on his page. Or anyone I know. I'm just too good at this detective stuff. I know I shouldn't be looking. But it put a fire in me to date again.

Going out tonight hoping to meet someone.

I met a Harvard grad orthopedic surgeon who was very taken with me. But he showed early signs of control by touching me more than I was comfortable with, and "Talking back" to me when I Pointed out that he forgot my name twice. Too bad, almost there . Even the Harvard grads can be assholes it's amazing how pervasive it is.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 3:24 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Circe you make me laugh. You are one smart cookie. Well all of you are, that's what keeps me coming back. The collective wisdom on here is astounding and better than 5 yrs with a therapist. Love SI!!!!!

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, September 16th (Monday)

susp, I have to apologize - re-reading my last post I realize I sounded snarky and harsh toward you, when in my head I was actually feeling protective on your behalf! I'm sorry that didn't translate.

I know I've written a few times that I had an ex like that, and my friends were instrumental in helping me to detox from that relationship. It was tough. My ex went on to marry another woman that was in our social circle at the time, and over the years I've heard stories through mutual friends about her withdrawal from friends and family, and it has always made me so angry on her behalf. People who control and suck life and happiness out of others really take something special and personal away. I just hate to see that happen.


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 16th (Monday)

He said he was in a good mood up until the time he sensed my prescence I(since he never actually sa my face)

Yup, with Circe I call b.s. on this. He's trying to get you to believe you two have some mystical connection. MrH says crap like this too. Right when I call he was about to call. It's ridiculous.

If you were connected that closely he wouldn't be a raging self-centered egomaniac. He would've connected to your pain when you were fighting for the relationship. Instead he let you hurt and cry out for help. Nothing until you began to pull away and HE was affected.

Just look at that quote above. Even if it was true, it was all about poor widdle him. His night was ruined because he brushed against your aura. Yeah, he may have dumped the girl, but did he show compassion for what she might have had to deal with while being on a date with a suddenly petulant toddler?

She got off easy. At least she wasn't sucked into his gravitational pull like you are. Unless she picks another Ozymandias to date next time, she is the best off out of the three of you.

Actually the four...or five...or whatever of you. Because I don't believe for a moment that he doesn't have other potential girlfriends flying a holding pattern around him.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10869 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, September 16th (Monday)

HollyI- I agree wholeheartedly with your entire post, especially the last paragraph. I wasn't born yesterday.

And Circe you didn't sound snarky to me. Your posts always make so much sense and make me laugh in the process. That's an incredible gift!


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, September 16th (Monday)

This looking for "closure" bullshit is exactly how WH's EA/PA started with his Ex-W. He felt like they should talk to work through the end of their relationship/marriage (she was a junkie who decided she liked smack and fucking random guys to get it more than being married to you!).

Fucked up thinking. That's what that is.

Run. Do not walk. Run from this doucheweasel as fast as you can.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 917 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, September 16th (Monday)

I am not ever going back. I'm the happiest I've been since I met him.

There are many signs that show how bad we were, but the above is the most important to me. It was a long road, is a long road. I have my off days but its written all over my face. Everyone says so


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Just wanted to give a little update And clear my head at the same time.

Yes we have spoken here and there by text. Five months of no contact out the window. I told him we need to stop talking and he went crazy trying to call and change my mind. I told him he needed help. And to seek counseling. His response to that is he would never tell somebody that they needed help. And that I'm acting "holier than thou". So in response to that I finally spoke my truth. Text string below starting with me.

You were emotionally abusive to me. Without a doubt. And I don't want you to do it again because I want you to have a happy fulfilling life. Full of love and companionship. I've read at least 15 books on the subject bc I didn't want to believe it. But what we had is textbook. If you read "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft , I associated so well with that book I cried enough tears to fill the pacific. I read it at least 7 times i had no idea it was happening to me. But the silent treatments, never taking accountability, lies, turning the tables to make everything my fault, yelling at me and making me wish you'd hit me instead, being secretive, discounting my opinions and feelings . It's all text book . emotionally abusive. I know telling you this will get me absolutely nowhere. Bc you won't believe it but I have to reveal MY truth . There I said it

And no it did not happen every day or every week or month for that matter. But the scars from emotional abuse hurt worse than physical. They did a study on physically abused women and they unanimously said the emotional was more damaging. So even if you punched me in the face every three months it's still wrong, and deliberate, and repetitive . It's not like I'm taking an isolated incident. We had something that fell under that category at least once a month and that is being generous. I know you are probably calling me all kinds of names and telling yourself that I am delusional. I'm ok with that. I just hope one day, even if its many many years from now this will help.

Him

Ok. Then why on Gods green earth would you want anything to do with me if that's what you believe?

I'm sorry you felt that I was all those things. And I'm sorry that communicating with me now is causing all these feelings to come out again. You deserve to be happy, treated with respect, and not emotionally abused. I'm sorry for treating you in a manner you felt was inappropriate and abusive. I hope you can forgive me for that sometime in the future.

I wish you didn't have all these horrible opinions of me and our relationship. I wish things were different and we could have given each other what we both needed. Its really sad that we ever got to this point where we feel disrespected. Maybe one day it will become clear why things happened the way did. We don't have the answers right now, and maybe we never will. Maybe we will always be "what could have been." As sad as it is to think or write that.

You really really really deserve a man who is not going to make you feel like i did. I wish I could have been that one, but I think I caused too much damage to your view of me. Thank you for everything. And thank you for sticking through a lot of the bad times and trying to make it work with me. I never thought we were beyond fixable. Maybe it was just my wishful thinking and arrogance. I'll always reminisce about the good times. Seems like that's the only memories I seem to remember anyway:)

Me
Because I like to hurt myself and because I loved you more than I ever thought possible. And still to this day. We had great times and the bad times go more into the background as I've said before. Thank you for saying that and yes I wish things were different too.

And that my friends I believe is the end of the story. He doesn't think he's abusive he thinks I'm Łber Sensitive. I really did it because I do care about him and I wanted to help. And I wanted to finally speak my truth because I had never told him that in black-and-white. And maybe one day 10/20 years from now you'll think back on this and it will Help.

I know you guys are probably going to rip me a new one for even talking to him. I guess I'm naive in the sense that I feel like I can help.

I do not think I'll be hearing from him again. Thanks again to everyone who responded and read and kept up with my story. I couldn't of done this without you guys. And as always everyone is right. 100% of the time. Good luck to all of you I hope we can all find our happiness. And if I can be of any help to anyone please don't hesitate to reach out to me.


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

((((suspi))))

For goodness' sake, STOP TALKING TO THIS ASSHOLE!!!!!!

No irl meeting.

No phone calls.

No texts.

No explaining.

Get back on the NC horse. This guy is creepy.

((((suspi))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2508 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
sullymeishadomi
Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Suspicious, I didnt read your full post, but I have a question: dont you find jt really freaky that you told him 'take a walk, dude' and he is literally fighting you to take him back AND insulting you at the same time. From a person who is dealing with abuse, that is clear out abuse. His behavior gives me the willies, which isnt easy.

Why are you even realonding to him? What are you getting from all of this back and forth?

Block the creep as of a week ago.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Not only that sully he's also DATING TWO "WOMEN" while begging me back. I really don't think I will hear from him anymore because of his pride and inability to face the truth. I think on some deep level (a subconscious one) he knows I am right. And he wants to start over with someone who doesn't know his tricks and trusts him "emphatically". Just like he likes. And the girls are lapping it up. Apparently he told one of them he's still in love with me ( the one he was with when we saw each other) and she said to contact her if he changes his mind. Which I'm sure he did the minute I sent that text. I'm embarrassed to be a woman. These girls are so desperate for a good looking charming "single" millionaire it's shocking. Willing to take second best. I'd be gone so fast the man wouldn't know what hit him if he told me that. Never to be heard from again. Maybe he knew that and is why he lied to frequently. He KNEW he had to or I would have been out of there. And now he has lost me for good and has to live with losing his "once in a lifetime soulmate" because of his own actions. For the rest of his life. I get to be happy at some point. He unfortunately does not. And that does make me sad, I can admit that .

I didn't think he was beig abusive for this latest round until he told me I was rude and acting holier than thou for just pleading with him to get help.

I am really done guys. I see things for what they really are. I'm not living in a fantasy anymore. Unlike him


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

You'll hear from him again.
Trust me. You will. Maybe not today or tomorrow or next week/month....but it'll come.

And when you do.....ignore him COMPLETELY!!!

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 2:05 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Rise And Shine
Member
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

You keep talking to him and you'll be his next OW.


April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I know telling you this will get me absolutely nowhere.

Here's the lie in that statement (and he saw that lie based on his response, below). The lie is that if you had REALLY accepted that telling him this would get you absolutely nowhere, you wouldn't have told him. Really.

Then why on Gods green earth would you want anything to do with me if that's what you believe?

See? He saw through your lie (to yourself) right away! And, no matter what you say, he reads that by you being willing to be in contact with him, in any manner what-so-ever that what he does can't be that bad. You can't win here, no matter how hard you wish it. You can't even win theoretically!

I guess I'm naive in the sense that I feel like I can help.

I'm not convinced that you are naive. I wonder if you aren't stubborn and want things the way you want them. You want someone with wealth, attractive, etc. You want to suck out the abusive, horrible, personality of this joker and transplant in someone with feeling, empathy and a sense of fairness. Ain't going to happen, sister.

Let.it.go. Do.not.engage.with.crazy!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 336 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I would NEVER be his or any others OW!!!!!!!!! All the pain and agony I went through with him, I would sooner die than be the other woman . Take that to the BANK. I am so painfully aware of the havoc it causes , even by my own mother and father that I could never ever be a part of an affair. Over my dead cold body. Just wanted to make that clear.

Alpha you may be right on the naive comment. I'm really not that naive. But I do think he needs help and at the moment I am the only person who can attempt or even qualifies because I'm the only person, including family, that has seen him for who he truly is. Including himself even.

Even though he hurt me to the core, I want to help him. Maybe naive is the wrong word. Maybe it's arrogant or kind to a fault. But I actually thought , in some fucked up way, that I could help him become aware of himself. But the fact that I want to "help" him shows I still care and I am painfully aware of that as well. I guess I've been so mistreated my whole life that even someone who gives me snippets of niceness makes me want to repay the favor in some way.

It's a learning process


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

But the fact that I want to "help" him shows I still care and I am painfully aware of that as well.

This need isn't about helping him or caring. It's about feeding your own dysfunction. You get off on the thought of rescuing him. Stop focusing on his issues and focus on your own. Once you do, you'll be able to walk away from this hot mess of dysfunction that you have going on with him.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 3:25 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Posts: 13356 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

And alpha I really truly didn't think it would get me anywhere which is why I haven't told him thus far.

But I will admit he pushed my buttons and I said that out of anger. I was scared to say it, but I was also told by my IC that it may be good to reveal my truth. Even if he never read it, to put it on "paper" to help with my healing. I probably took her advice and did the wrong thing. I don't know what's right anymore. Just know that we're wrong. He's wrong


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
selkiescot
Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

He is not about to give up Suspicious. NArcissists CANNOT let go of the control.
SO he will continue to try and find your weak spot, any weak spot to get to you. Stay Strong! Do not engage! Detach! No contact equals no new hurts. Did I say stay strong?

[This message edited by selkiescot at 3:31 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1354 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I don't think you have found "your truth" yet.

Even when you do find it, sharing ANY of it with him won't give you ANYTHING positive back. Worse, all this "sharing" you've been doing with him has been giving your power away.


I am the only person who can attempt or even qualifies because I'm the only person, including family, that has seen him for who he truly is. Including himself even
.


Keep digging, Susp. Eventually you'll see how hubristic that thought is.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 336 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

Block him, it's not that freaking difficult. Block his number, his email, etc.

Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, September 27th (Friday)

So I did the wrong thing by telling him? I have not heard from him since


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 4:32 AM, September 27th (Friday)

Symptoms of co-dependency (from PsychCentral.com):

Poor boundaries. Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up whatís yours and somebody elseís, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. Thatís especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other peopleís feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.

Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. Itís natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesnít want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isnít taking their advice.

Sound familiar?

[This message edited by Hope24 at 5:12 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
sullymeishadomi
Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, September 27th (Friday)

I could be wrong, but I think you wrote on this thread somewhere he wouldnt confact you again and he has text you.

The fact you dont want to block him, you want to save him and youre still answering his texts is troubling.You have to dig deep within yourself and find out why you are willingly on his fishing pole. Also ask yourself why do you care why the other chicks are gold digging on a millionare, because he and they should not be your problem.

He wont give up because YOU are walking away. He has a severe control issue. YOU have left his control, he didnt self righteously excuse you, that is why he is hot after you. He doesnt love you. Love feels good, it doesnt hurt.

So now ask yourself, deep down why have you not blocked this pos? Why do you still communicate with him? Really, ask yourself why? I think its more than feeling sorry for him? How can you feel sorry for him? He has at least 2 females after his millionare self that he has dated. He is doing fine. Now take care of you...block him. Silence. Silence. Silence.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, September 27th (Friday)

Well, ditto what the others have said and I'll add in one more thing.

You seem to be putting a lot of emotional stock in the fact that he told one of his current girlfriends that he's still in love with you.

1. He told you that to manipulate you into feeling that you are in a competition with the poor sap he's dating and the prize of his emotions have been given to you. This is simultaneously supposed to make you feel like he's a prize to be won, and that you are lucky for winning him, and want to go back to him.

2. If he did tell his girlfriend that he's still in love with you, he did it to manipulate her into working harder for his affection. Nothing like stirring up some phantom competition to snap a new girl into shape. Keep her feeling like crap about herself, and she's easier to control. Keep the specter of some mythically perfect ex-girlfriend hanging over her head so that when she accidentally boils water the wrong way in his presence, she'll be quick to admit she was wrong. Because he's "still in love with someone else" and therefore she has to work harder to earn his love. Maybe lose 10 lbs and give up beef to show she's still in the running.

[This message edited by circe at 8:43 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, September 27th (Friday)

Circe - spot on as always.

I feel sorry for everyone involved in this clusterfuck.
BUT these are grown ass adults so I dont know why I bother. I'm done communicating.

I said my peace. To be honest, I was carrying some guilt (however dysfunctional that is) about the way I disappeared. I was putting myself in his shoes and knew that I would be devastated. I know this thinking is wrong, and I should feel no guilt because I gave him countless chances. And repeated myself ad nauseum. And I warned him that I would dissappear. Many times. This didn't come as any surpise to him. I don't know why i carried so much guilt, maybe because he did so much for me. More than anyone else ever has. Who knows

I have a soft heart. As tough as I appear on the outside to all my friends, coworkers and family, inside I am a big ball of mush. Even to scandalous, lying, manipulating, cheating, controlling assholes. I realize how pathetic it sounds. But he did so much for me.

I am not hung up on the fact that he says he still loves me. I know he lies. And I know that is most likely a lie. And even if it were true, that is sad. I even thought to myself that him telling her that and being that honest, doesn't really ring true.

But then I thought about how women are, and how men like to be at the center of competition between women, so maybe he did say that. Who the fuck knows. Lie or not. I dont care. They can have each other. I am certain he's displayed signs of control or whatever to her by now and if she's ignoring the red flags, she'll have to learn the hard way, just like I did. Maybe the happy ending will be that we are all better people because of this. Just trying to find a silver lining.

I do want my 4+ years back!!!

And I pray every night that i meet the man I'm supposed to be with. But I am ok being alone for the rest of my life as well. My walls are so high, I doubt anyone can break them down and gain my trust wholeheartedly. I wasn't trusting before I met him, so this most likely did a number on me that will last a long time (if I'm so lucky to find a mate)

I really can't thank you all enough for keeping me in check. And keeping up with my saga. I do wish the best for everyone involved. Now it is time to focus on ME and what's best for susp.

I'm moving on 11/2 and normally dread moving, but actually excited about this one. New beginnings. Though I will miss the companionship of my roommate and her dog who I've fallen madly in love with.

I found a brand new apartment, relatively far away from him (our city is not that large) and far away from his usual haunts. I do my best to avoid places he may go to but it is inevitable we will see each other again. Once I get my belongings on 11/2 there will be no need to communicate ever again

I know evryone suggested I get stuff asap, but I'm just not in a financial position to do so. Retail therapy isn't so therapaeutic after all. I will be mad at myself for a long time for A. Staying with him too long and B. Spending so much money to try and kill the pain.

Anyone know of any lucrative part time work for nights and weekends? please inbox me.

I will always be forever greatful to this site and to the wise (and hilarious) people on here. It's hard to laugh when you're devastated but somehow the people on here are able to do that for me.

Much love SI

Love,
Susp


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, September 27th (Friday)

And to Hope -

Yes sounds very painfully familair. I'm relaitively well versed on co-dependencey and really relate to the second paragraph. I guess the first step is aknowedging, the next step s where I'm at now. - STOPPING THE MADNESS

And Alpha - I HATE that I gave my power away. That kills me more than almost anything else. And I am well aware. I hope I can get at least some of it back.

And sully - I am jealous person and can admit that. Another of the many things I need to work on.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 9:41 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, September 27th (Friday)

WOW! Just read the whole thread, and ... WOW!

You have heard everything here. GREAT STUFF. Nothing I can say that hasn't been said. All you have to do now is trust what you have been told and follow through.

I will share a story with you. This is in a nutshell - to avoid it being too long. I was married to a man who was an emotional abuser. One example:

I got back an irregular papsmear - Class 3. I was told 'borderline cancer'. I needed a procedure called a colposcopy (sp?). I could get an appointment with a woman - in 3 MONTHS or go to a male doctor in 3 DAYS. My husband (at the time) wanted me to WAIT the 3 MONTHS for a test regarding possible cancer - so a man wouldn't "see or touch me".

To my credit, I went to the man - had the procedure - and all was well.

You know what is next, right? My husband called me a whore for going to the man.

BUT...are you ready for what is next? He convienced me of this fact. I actually felt BAD for taking care of myself - for standing up for my health - just because he said it hurt HIM. Never mind that I could have had cancer, and 3 months could have had disasterous effects on my health.

Moving forward to dating my current husband. Once he mentioned going somethere - and I knew I had an appointment with the gynocologist (a male) on that day. I told him that maybe we could do something on another day. Eventually he figured it out and said, "I'm not him." I actually had gone into the "I'm a whore for going to a male gynocologist, and he won't want to be with me" mode!

Pathetic.

These guys are good at what they do. And, even worse - they are CALCULATED. That is the cruelest part.

The worst for me was his ability to convince me - a relatively intelligent person - that I was indeed a whore for not letting HIS feelings determine my decision - when I could have perceivably been talking about my life!

They are very sly to keep part of the relationship "believable". If there is enough that is good, logical, etc., then it sucks you in to believe that the craziness must be true, also.

(An example of this would be - not the freakish horror show where knives come out of someone's knuckles - but the type of supernatural movie that has enough 'reality' in it to make you think the 'out there' stuff might possibly be real, too!

I say all that to say this: Please believe me when I tell you that when this is truly behind you - and you 'wake up" as if from out of a cult - you will see it so clearly.

It will SO be worth the effort it will take!

Wishing you a speedy recovery!


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1812 | Registered: Apr 2012
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, September 27th (Friday)

I would NEVER be his or any others OW!!!!!!!!!

Suspi, no one said that you would do this.....knowingly.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

hey guys me again....

i had a quick question

I am moving on November 2, one month from today. That is when I need to collect my stuff from his warehouse.

When should he be contacted? Is it better to do it asap? Is it better to do it closer to that time?

I only ask because I haven't heard a word from him (thankfully) but it means he is angry with me for calling him out on his abusive behaviors. Should I wait and let the dust settle more? Or shoudl I give him ample time to prepare?

Someone will need to be there to unlock the door and it is a Saturday. They aren't open on Saturdays so someone will have to come in specifically for that.....

Thoughts?


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

And yes I realize I told him weeks ago about this date but knowing him, he's completely forgotten about it.

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

How much do you need this stuff? (i'm not suggesting either way just asking)

I would send him a very formal email about it and go with someone to collect your things.

That's the only way I would do it if I really needed my things


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 817 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I am confused?? Something doesn't seem right here..
You aren't married and he is an ass. Time to move on..


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

If I was in a financial position to start all over with furniture , clothes, jackets, shoes, suitcases, mattresses box springs, tables, lamps I would leave all the stuff behind

Unfortunately I spent more money than I'm willing to admit trying to ease the pain and guilt of this breakup. I'm looking for part time work but that has proved to be quite difficult. I really didn't want to resort to bar tending or waiting tables but I think that's the direction I'm headed. I am so stupid and have a lot to learn.


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

And of course there will be plenty of men there while I gather my belongings. I have a feeling since its a Saturday he will just make one of his employees unlock the door for us and I won't have to see him or his family at all

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Hi Everybody - me again ..

I have updates and need advice or words of encouragement.

If you all remember, my roommate was getting married and I needed to be out of her house by November 1. The apartment I leased is a new construction and was delayed until November 15 (the day OF her wedding - which is a destination wedding). I have fallen out with all of my firends due to lack of support during the breakup. Even lack of believing my claims of abuse. I was ok with all this. I would be fine if I have no friends, as long as they keep making me feel bad about myself, don't wish good things for me, or dont even care to call to see how I'm doing. My roommate was the only person I considered a friend. She knew I didn't have anywhere to go after November 1. She offered me her place to stay when her and fiance left for the wedding which was supposed to be the 8th.

I had no where to stay and no money for a hotel room. I just couldn't come right out and ask someone if I could stay at their place for 18 days. The ex knew of the situation because I panicked when this all happened, and he needed to be involved becasue of my furniture and belongings he still has. He offered me anything and everything I wanted. To help me move. Twice. To give me a place to stay. Anything I needed , I just needed to ask for it. No one else offered to let me stay at thier apartment except for men who I barely knew doing my part time job. (I picked up a liquor/sales promo job to help with the financial mess Im in - I know it's not an excuse and I only have myself to blame, but I spent every dime I had trying to ease the mental torture I was going through). I even maxed out my credit card and am curently way over the limit. I am going to get myself out of this mess if it kills me.

So when I moved I attempted to stay with him the first night. I know you are all probably thinking I'm a compplete dumbass for doing this but I didn't really have another option, and I needed to be in my city to work my part time job (which is mainly at night and on weekends). We were arguing within the first hour I was there.

We continued to argue into the next day and I packed up my things and left sobbing. Later I realized I would have to sleep in my car. I called him back. He told me I could come back but he had plans that night. I came after one of my promo's and I was so down on myself. I have no one to count on. No one who is concerned for my safety and emotional well-being. No one but me. I catch him as he's leaving to go out with his 'friends'. I am beyond upset and may have had a panic attack or a mental break of some sort. He didn't have time to talk to me. He was late meeting his friends. (and let me interject here that he was on time to meet me maybe 5 times in the 4 years we were together - but THIS happened to be more important). He just took off and left me there crying, and knowing how alone in this world I feel. Something inside of me snapped. I took off (with only the clothes on my back) and drove for three hours to my mother's house. (even though I had packed up all my things, he helped me put them back in his house when I returned) I know this is probably going to be confusing.

I stayed there for 5 days and didnt respond to any of his messages the following day or day after. He was worried about me. I left everything there, including my work laptop.

I finally had to come back to get it and to work the part time job again. I asked if I could use his place as a place to sleep ONLY. and I would be gone for the rest of the time. He agreed.

So - I have actually been sleeping with the enemy (in the literal sense - nothing so much as a hug as far as romantically) and I'm living my own worst nightmare right now. My psychiatrist told me I'm in the 1 percentile of people who can endure what I'm going through right now. And I may not be happy, but I am existing and that is more than most people could do. We only communicate by text (not in person if we both happen to be home) and he just denies denies denies everything. ANd it's all my fault. The fact that he left my crying was my fault because I had left him earlier that day. I tried to explain I only left bc he made me feel unwelcome but he wasn't hearing it.

Anyway, so my apartment is ready on Monday and I'll be moving then. Tonight is my last night at his place and he has been out of town so ive had the place to myself. He can be so generous sometimes, and so selfish and heartless at other times. I feel so misunderstood by everyone including my mother. She is hours away and staying at her house made me even more depressed than staying at his. There are lots of bad memories there and lots of bad energy. She is morbidly obese and does nothing but watch tv and eat all day long (she's unemployed). I was not doing well at her house. I got sick. I didn't sleep for days. I didn't eat. I needed to get out of there which is why I've continued to stay at ex's place. I actually prefer that to staying at her place. Pretty unbelievable.

So I come back and he asks where I went. I find out later that he called my ex roommate and they talked for an hour. I haven't heard much from her since I moved out. She was supposed to offer me her place to stay after the wedding and she never followed up. I wasn't about to ask her if it was ok and put her in a bad position just a week before her wedding. So I shut my mouth and stayed with him. But then I find out they talked when I disappeared. And when I drove to my mother's, I sent her a text explaining we were arguing and I couldnt take it and was going back home. In the middle of the night. With only the clothes on my back. I told her he may reach out to her and to not believe anything he says and not divulge where I am. They BOTH lied to me about talking to each other, and I feel that whatever was said during their HOUR long conversation was the main factor in why I wasn't allowed to stay at her place vs his. HE HAS WON HER OVER!!!!!! After living with her for 11 months and talking ad nauseum about him, she now believes he's the normal one and I'm the crazy one. And I'm spending $700 I DONT HAVE to go to her wedding and be around people who I am trying to remove from my life. I feel stabbed in the back by both of them and completely alone in my city. He even used that against me during a fight, that he was the only person willing to help me out so "how could I call him mean or disrespectful."

It's just been awful. He comes back at midnight tonight, and I leave for this godforsaken wedding tomorrow. SO we wont be around each other til the day I move on the 18th. And we agreed that after the 18th it is time to say goodbye.

To add insult to injury, he is no longer trying to get me back. He started dating Miss United States (I wont divulge which year to not identify anyone). THAT is why he was acting so put out by my presence when he BEGGED me to stay with him maybe 50 times before I moved, and told me we'd be fine, no fights, and it would be 'fun.' This is before he met his trophy girl. Now he's competely changed his tune with saying things like "who says I want you back?" and "you will find someone to love, you will be fine" and agreeing to not speak forever after I move (which he would not have been ok with prior to meeting her).

Having your ex date Miss US is not for the faint of heart. I think it would affect even the most confident women out there. I feel so low, so sad, so everything. I can guarantee you all that he does not speak to her the way he spoke and treated me and probably never will since she is so prized in his eyes.

Also, I reached out to his sister recently and asked if his family had ever seen him exhibit anger and the answer was NO!?!?!?! WTF???? This treatment is only for me and I bring it out in him. Even his ex of 5 years (whom his sisters are STILL friends with) never complained about anger or abuse. I just feel crazy, like maybe I made it up in my head. Or that I pushed him to it. And there's something unlovable about me that I would get this treatment from him and me only.

I dont know what I want anyone to say after that missive. I know I will get 2x4s for even staying with him. But I didn't have an alternative. And staying at my mother's house was killing me even more. At least I am eating and sleeping at his place and I'm not sick anymore either. I was sick the entire time I was there. Miserable. I'm miserable now, but in an emotional way not in a physical way.

The girl is beautiful and she will get only his best side. ANd get the part of him that I fell in love with and may never recover from losing. She will most likely never hear a cross word from him, or get the silent treatment. She works out avidly, is involved in 300 charities, goes to church. (howveer I am able to look things up at my employer and she was marked for being "extremely rude" which I dont see very often. Miss Congeniality (she won that too when she won her title) is extremly rude to customer service reps on the phone.

I know I shouldnt be looking, I shouldn't care. But I am human. I am jealous person. Ive taken steps back. I was starting to feel ok until I ran into him and all this ensued. One minute he is begging for me back, asking me to go away with him,telling me everything would change and the next minute is dating Miss US and 'just wants the best for me. and wants me to find a good man."

I suppose I should consider myself lucky that he wants to be with someone else. But like I said, MIss US is not for the faint of heart.'

I needed to vent this. Thanks anyone for reading.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 8:10 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Just to post something positive, the part time job is going great. I started roughly a month ago and already have an offer from a competing company. I'm no Miss United States, but apparently it looks like I'm very good at selling alcohol. Who knew

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 8:35 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

The girl is beautiful and she will get only his best side. ANd get the part of him that I fell in love with and may never recover from losing. She will most likely never hear a cross word from him, or get the silent treatment. She works out avidly, is involved in 300 charities, goes to church.

You don't know that she will get his "best side". You don't know that he will never be "cross" with her.

Likely he's grooming her as he groomed you. He's training her, as he trained you. So when his mask slips, she won't notice, or she'll be too afraid to notice.

She can win every pagaent out there, be the most beautiful girl in the world, but that won't keep him from his true nature. Which is breaking a woman down to her base form and turning her into his emotional slave. Making her jump through hoop after hoop just for a morsel of love.

You escaped that. You're free.

THEY are not your responsibility.


Remember, just because the picture looks pretty on the outside, doesn't mean it's not rotten on the inside. They may present the "WE ARE OMG SO HAPPY" picture, when in reality she may be miserable and asking herself "what's wrong with me, why doesn't he love me? why is he nice to everyone but me? why does everyone think I'm the crazy one?"

Sound familiar?

Move on. Leave them both in the dust.

YOU'RE FREE.

And free is a wonderful place to be.


Posts: 3093 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

but that won't keep him from his true nature. Which is breaking a woman down to her base form and turning her into his emotional slave. Making her jump through hoop after hoop just for a morsel of love.

but what about the fact that is ex of 5 years never complained about it and family doesn't see it? I am no idiot and I believe both of those things. The way I presented the question and the person I asked, this is the truth, I'm 100% positive.


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

And the ex was BEST friends with both of the sisters. She would talk about him all the time to them, this I know to also be fact. If she was having the problems I was having she would have said something, I don't have a doubt in my mind because of the closeness she had with them.

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I can't answer that.

Everyone is different.

Unfortunately maybe you two brought out the worst in each other.

As far as his family goes, I don't see why they would need to see that behavior. He would have no need to "bring them to heel" or control them.


People like this wear many different masks.
Not everyone sees all the faces.

You did.


Posts: 3093 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

And just to keep this girl, who he over the moon about and bragging to all his friends, he's going to keep the good face on for the rest of his life and I'm beyond pissed and hurt that it couldn't be done for me. If only I was an actress, or something important. I mean what single guy in thir right mind wouldn't want to land a "Miss ____"?! He's going to worship her. Like he did to me 20% of the time. Only over the top generous and amazing and will sweep her off her feet. And never get angry bc in his mind she's everything he wanted, with the excersize and healthiness along with the title and validation from public that he is the man.

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry you're hurting.

All I can say is that the novelty of Miss Tiara will wear off. And then they're left with who they both really are. Maybe they're compatible, maybe they're not. I do think it's likely he'll try the same shit with her, that he pulled on you.

Focus on YOU. Set your goals. Meet them. Focus on YOU.


Posts: 3093 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I keep going back to this quote from you...

These girls are so desperate for a good looking charming "single" millionaire it's shocking. Willing to take second best. I'd be gone so fast the man wouldn't know what hit him if he told me that.

I absolutely do not know you, and I would never want to say anything unkind. So please forgive me for thinking that you have done exactly what you said (above) you wouldn't do.

I think your sadness and your trouble healing comes from knowing that you have been in that situation - willing to take second best.

I have found in multiple situations that hate/anger is NOT the opposite of love/connection. It is apathy. Please remember that you are not "over" the situation with him until you no longer need to affirm your feelings to him. Until - while you may care about his well being as a person - you no longer care what he is doing, if he is with someone else, or if he understands what he has done to you or that you want the best for him. As long as any of that lingers - you are still in his "spell".

Right now, I would cross the road to stop the bleeding if my exhusband had been in an accident. But I would hope I didn't break a nail! I'm kidding - but do you know what I mean? I knew I was "over" him when I not only didn't "love" him any more, and didn't feel hurt by him, but also didn't "hate" him any more.

He.simply.did.not.exist.for.me.any.more.

I know we are not going to talk you out of spending another MILISECOND with him, but I truly hope you can heal after the 18th, when you move.

All the good looks and money in the WORLD is not worth what he has put you through.

HUGS.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1812 | Registered: Apr 2012
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

padded 2x4 coming......

suspi - he is DOG SHIT on the bottom of your shoe. Scrape it off and move on.

As for:


I had no where to stay and no money for a hotel room.

When I was in high school (17 years old) I was kicked out of my mom's house and went to live with dad. Then kicked out of dad's house and lived in a PARK for 3 months.

Yeah. A teenager. Going to high school. No job. Nothing. In. A. Park.

You DO have choices.

GET THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND QUIT GIVING YOURSELF EXCUSES.

btw - who gives a SHIT about miss fucking USA.

Seriously. Quit comparing yourself to her.

YOU HAVE VALUE. Please believe that.

Next time (assuming there WILL be a next time) - please reach out here BEFORE you make any contact with this douche. We are here to help you.

((((suspi))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2508 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

My husband's ex is a beauty pageant girl. She's lovely. She's also batshit crazy and keeps trying to friend-request me on different social media. Who's to say this girl isn't nuts? You don't know that.

As for the five-year ex - well, I mean, they are exes for some reason, right? And maybe she never saw that ugly side because she never caught him cheating? He just didn't get caught, the wool stayed over her eyes.

It really doesn't matter. He is a sucky cheater. Miss US didn't win a prize by winning him. She won a toad. Find somebody who loves and appreciates YOU and doesn't want YOU to be miss beauty pageant supermodel workout queen whatever. Better yet, YOU love and appreciate yourself, and then it's all the easier for someone else to do that same.

But please get the hell away from this toxic asshole and stop comparing yourself to Miss Vaseline Teeth.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 9:29 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6167 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
sullymeishadomi
Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

He didnt just cheat on you, he abused you. He was utterly cruel to you.

Its normal to have those emotional ties after a break-up. Those ties do snap...but you have to keep furthering your distance from him. Use his attention toward Miss USA as a chance to run far far away from him. And if your friends are now friends with him, lose them quick.

Why do your friends not see who he really is behind the mask? Because its a mask and he wears it well. And you know of people who are so shocked so and so did that horrible thing because so and so was such a nice person. Sure so and so was a nice person...on the outside.

Why did he treat the ex well and not you? That doesnt matter. What matters is he did treat you like utter shit and you have your chance to run. Run like fucking hell! I had my chance 6 yrs ago. He would have pretty much ignored the kids and I because he had his trophy. I didnt go and now I cant get away from him. Even if I d him, he will stay in our lives and use my kids to torture me. You have your chance, GO AND DONT LOOK BACK!!!!

The wedding? If you dont have the money, excuse yourself from it.

Your main concern is starting your life anew away from him.

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 12:02 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Thank you all this is making me feel better. I have an interview with the other company today and I'm just so down on myself.

Some of the jokes he made about this job, now I know why. BC it was piddlin to her level


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I know how it feels to think you have nothing. Long time ago I was there. So I understand.

But it really does not stop until you STOP going to him for anything. Just stop. I am going to give you a 2x4 here....you are finding ways even at your lowest point to try and tell us how you just HAD to go back and live there and I think you set yourself up to do just that.

You are broke, you have used up your credit cards, you have used up your friends....all to still somehow keep his guy in your life. Even if you say you don't, you still did just that.

Your very bottom of this whole nightmare is right in front of you but you don't want to see it or acknowledge it. Its right there. You just are not ready.


Posts: 5524 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Stop. Stop engaging with him. Get your stuff and stop.

HE IS ABUSIVE. Period. Don't try to convince anyone of it. You know it. That's all that matters.

Disengage from his family. Disengage from your so called friend. If you have to, have your psych write a letter that you can provide to the airline that says you are unable to travel. They can either give you a flight credit for another date or something, with a dr. note hopefully it won't cost you anything to cancel it and they'll give you a full refund. Cancel the hotel, etc.

Do not go to the wedding.

Do not talk to him anymore.

Just stop.


Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

I've kept up with this thread because I relate to kind of man you had in your life. Millionaire, thinks he has a golden penis, women flock to him because of his $$ (not the penis - it isn't golden). He's the "nicest" guy. I understand completely. I have left him. There are a lot more strings to untangle due to the time together and the business assets but I left. I had to stop engaging in any kind of snooping. I did it. It got easier each time I didn't look for any information. Seriously, it was hard. I've spent many years checking facts, snooping to keep myself safe. Now let me mention that I still work out of his office due to the nature of our business. It is hard as hell. When he's on a phone call I walk into another part of the building so I don't have to hear anything 'personal'. When I walk past him and he's on his ipad I close the eye that is closest to him so my peripheral vision doesn't see anything that will put me into a tailspin. When things get too hard I run an errand. He baits me, too. I know him well enough and I know he's baiting me to get a reaction. I make myself react as if I'm uninterested. It has been several months now and I can't tell you how much better it is. I now enjoy the times he's not here. I almost get sad when his car is in the parking lot when I come in. I look forward to not being around him. The trigger points come less and less often, thankfully. I look at each time as a test that I must pass. It helps.

I honestly think it's time for you to do a REAL 180. Make yourself stop snooping. Make yourself stop obsessing. Make yourself do something different when you find you are thinking like this. Drive a different route to work. Listen to different music. Change the color of your toothbrush if it will erase just one little memory of him. Count every success. You can do this.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 5958 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Oh gosh, honey.

Well, for what it's worth, here's what I think.

Him: he's such a classic abuser, of the "wolf in sheep's clothing" profile, that there's zero question of you somehow accidentally mistaking his kindness and normality (thousands of times, over the course of years) for abuse. None.

Incidentally, we all read his emails, word for word. He's abusive. You wouldn't have had to provide a single word of commentary - you could easily have posted "Hi SI! Check out my new wonderful SO!" and then the text of his email, and most of us would have immediately been concerned for your emotional safety. In other words, it wasn't your interpretation that was faulty - it was his personality that shines through in his words and actions.

His "generosity" is his spider web. Real generosity is a loving, kind person who gives from their heart. What he did when he offered you a place to sleep was manipulation. A web. A lure. A carrot. When you were crying? He stepped over your body to leave you in the dust. That's his true nature. You were in emotional turmoil, and he saw it not as a moment to comfort or protect you, but as a moment of weakness to use against you, by calling your soon to be married "friend" and poisoning the well still further. He cut off your last shreds of support, yet again. Sociopaths do that. That's their way. Weakness = chance to control.

His dating "Miss Whatever"- yeah, that's got to burn, considering how shallow he is and that it's therefore a sign that his ego can be fed by her pageant title, but in the context of your life? It will make a funny story some day. "Oh, my psycho ex puffed up like a turkey dating some pageant princess." If one of my friends told me that story I'd giggle, imagining the guy's gym muscles and anti-salt crusade, dating a grown up toddler-in-tiara.

And of course his sister doesn't see him as abusive. The family tends not to, as he doesn't have to control them as overtly as he does his girlfriends. Oh, and the girlfriends who don't have a lot of fight in them? Don't have to be controlled as much. My abusive ex's ex-girlfriend was very happy to go along with his needs and wants. She was happy to be dominated in their relationship - though he did cheat on her. Guys like that aren't ever content without a new conquest/scheme happening in the background.

In any case, you're not crazy, you're not making it up, his words are clear as a bell to anyone who reads them.

However...

You: I think you need to work out some of your issues, susp. I say this with caring and respect. Your "friend" having the wedding? Her behavior is atrocious, though in a different way. I feel kind of like you surround yourself with people who are a bit.. I don't know, self-involved or overbearing? Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't imagine any of my friends listening to me hesitantly say that I thought I was being abused in my relationship, and telling me I was wrong, lying, making it up or crazy. My friends would put me first and try to work out how they could help me. And NOT because I'm a terrific person who is so awesome that friends line up to help me - I'm not at all. But because most people are good people, and most people see their friends and loved ones in pain and try to help. Sure, there might be the odd person who you thought was a friend but it turned out that when you needed them, they sucked ass. But not EVERYone.

I'm just wondering if the pattern of all these people you had every right to depend on abandoning you at the worst moment doesn't have something to do with you choosing the same kind of person over and over to bring into your life? I'm not a psychologist, but I do wonder if your "picker" is skewed, and if maybe you could work your way into friends and relationships that value you as much as you deserve. I feel like making the choice to stay at your psycho ex's house was incredibly self destructive, no matter your rationalizations, and that on some level you know this but still don't love or trust yourself enough to keep yourself safe? Again, this is not a bash of you in the least. We all have things that skew our decisions, and sometimes we need a push to see how much value we have, and how we can show ourselves more love.

[This message edited by circe at 9:04 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 31st (Monday)

Hi everyone, me .Again. I had to post this bc I thought those of you who've kept up with the story throughout the year will get a huge kick out of this.

(it was one year ago on the 22nd, last weekend)

A little update before the text I got last night (text is below in italics if you want to skip) -

There's been no contact since he met Miss US and my apartment move (end of Nov early Dec), I unleashed a verbal tounge-lashing shortly after I moved in. I said the worst things I've ever said to anyone. bc when I needed someone in the worst way, & had no one else to turn to (& he knew it - AND used that =against me in an argument even) - he abandoned me bc he was "late for a date" with Miss US. When I can count on ONE HAND the amt of times he was on time for anything with me. I was infuriated. Then as if that wasn't bad enough, he was doing things for her he would never do for me. IE like a photo on Facebook, or even be Friends before month 6. She met his parents, his mother and her were talking to each other. I didn't meet his parents until 2 plus years. And it made me feel that he was ashamed of me.

So I told him I was ashmaed of myself. That I was with someone who was ashamed of me. That he was evil, ugly on the inside, and called him every name in the book - liar, cheater, Manipulator, Immature, Fake, Doomed, etc. I can't remember if I posted it here or not. But I told him I'm the only person who knows him inside and out and I see him for who he really is, and I detest what I see. A lying, cheating, evil, rotten-to-the-core person who is ugly on the inside. Etc etc. It was pretty intense. HIs repsonse was "wow" and mine was "my sentiments exactly". And that was it. Nothing since.

He acted "above it all" and said leave me alone. And that is precisely what I did.

I did this to the letter -

Use his attention toward Miss USA as a chance to run far far away from him. And if your friends are now friends with him, lose them quick.


Then last night I get this text. He never ceases to amaze me. Looks like he was dating Miss US up until recently. I noticed his FB had been deleted a few weeks ago(which is soooooo copied from my move).


Hi Suspicious247, I hope you are doing well. I know I'm the last person you want or care to hear from right now. I'm sorry for disturbing you. I'm having surgery tomorrow and will need to go under anesthesia. As you know, there's risks with that even though my surgery itself isn't considered extremely risky. The abnormality they found most likely has affected my hormones and my mood for a long time since adolescence. I need you to know that I'm sorry for times when my mood affected the way I treated you. I've debated for a long time whether to say anything but decided that I would regret not saying I'm sorry if something were to happen to me. I hope you can forgive me for times when you felt I mistreated you..best, WEXBF


I didn't respond. Don't plan to.

But....
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA So let me get this straight, you dated another person, as I have been saying since Day 1 (post Dday #1), that he needs to date soneone else and have them say the same things I was saying bc I knew he wouldn't take my word for it bcI'm just a damaged girl with Daddy issues. Now he dated someone with 0 family issues and probably 0 issues in general, and she is saying the same things. So NOW, you take some stock in it. But instead of just saying to yourself that you're a real asshole, you go to a doctor and find a medical reason for it. LMFAO. True to form.

That's what I would like to say. But I won't.

On to a more positive note, I've been doing fairly well. I got a puppy who is the light of my life and makes me LOL every day. He is quite possibly the cutest dog in existence, and very good and very smart. The PERFECT DOG for me. He's made me very happy.

I won't pretend that I never look at MIss America's profile bc I have some kind of morbid curiosity. (To know whether their relationship was as turbulent as our's, or was it peachy and glorious. Bc if it was the latter, than "we" had to be partly my fault too. And I'm not just talking - putting up with more than I should have, or staying too long. I mean the abusive,toxic stuff - that I sometimes questioned if I contributed to in any way. So yeah I looked and tortured myself, but I didn't view it as torture.

The more time that went on, the more I wanted to reach out to her and offer my ear. (Which I would never actually do, because I know how that would be perceived.) The more I wanted to thank her for taking his focus off me so I could heal. The more I saw how impossible he was and how long it took me to get un-mindfucked. The more I felt further and further away from all of it. And thankful for the end result, albeit wishing for my 5 years back.

Anyway hope you all are doing great (or as good as possible) , had good weekends, and were able to find some peace of mind - which I know is so hard to do when you're in the thick of it. This place is a Godsend.

xoxo
Susp


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, March 31st (Monday)

I'll regret not saying I'm sorry......

....if something happned to ME.

It is all about him even now. that text wasn't for me, it was for him. asshole


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, March 31st (Monday)

"I hope you can forgive me for the times you felt I mistreated you."

Note..not the times he actually mistreated you...just the times you felt like he was.

He's fishing. Block him.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6656 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, March 31st (Monday)

LOL @ Confused

Exactly


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, March 31st (Monday)

It is awesome to read about your clarity, and your puppy.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 2261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, March 31st (Monday)

Great update and congratulations on getting rid of a douche and getting someone who treated you with much more humanity into your life. Puppies are awesome!


Me: BS
Him: FWS
3 kids

DD#1: 3/18/2003
DD#2: 9/28/2010 with a follow up on 1/28/2011 where he decided to come clean about the EA actually being a PA.

The OW could have been anybody and both turned out to be nobody special.


Posts: 3787 | Registered: Sep 2005
IrishGirlVA
Member
Member # 39694
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, March 31st (Monday)

I would have replied to the text the day after the surgery and said, "If you are reading this then you made it through your surgery. And ps -- I do not forgive you".

If something tragic did happen, he would be none the wiser.

(Sorry, my spirit is feeling mean today)


Me: 40 yrs old BGF
Him: 37 yrs old WBF
Us: Together for 4 years and living together for 1
DDay: June 2013
PA with the mother of his child. Both of whom live in another country.
Status Jan 2014: Done. She's preggo again.

Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Virginia
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

LOL I like it Irish Girl. That would be today..........

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

I remember your story clearly, and kudos to you for getting rid of this jacka$$ and moving on with your life.

DO NOT contact him for any reason. It might still hurt, and you've moved too far forward to take a few steps back.


Posts: 7272 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

This guy can only sing one note: "meeeee-meeee-meeee"...

Sheesh.

Puppies are the best therapy. Onward.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
Celebrating 60 years on Earth

Posts: 16634 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

I know Fathfool.....took me just shy of 5 years to figure that out.

What the hell does that say about me! I don't even want to think about it.....


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Caretaker1
Member
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Ok I'm in the minority here. He values health and taking care of ones body. He was being honest. If you are in great shape what is his issue. Give me a break with his love is conditional. Everything we look for in a partner is a condition. This just happens to be a core value for him. He was being brutally honest. You might value he was tall, or smart or successful at his job, or is good with kids etc. These are all conditions.it's the other crap that really are red flags. Maybe he has a tumor on his pituitary and it did effect his hormonal system. ...fishing or not ...he seems wimpy but at the same time seems to want to still have you there. NC is good but I'm guessing you want to know what happened. Maybe he's testing you to see if you care during his anxious time of needing surgery. I don't know, but he seems confused. I also wouldn't stay as he is a cheater. My friend married and ignored the red flags. She is bipolar I and she cheated through out. Stay away from this one. You escaped a bullet.

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 7:17 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 179 | Registered: Mar 2014
nolight
Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

.
Ok I'm in the minority here. He values health and taking care of ones body. He was being honest. If you are in great shape what is his issue. Give me a break with his love is conditional.

You read the part where she stated that her she is 5.9 and weighs 130 pounds didn't you? This places her at the very low spectrum of a healthy weight so his "honesty" is rather warped. When you couple it with his other behaviours it's rather obvious that he control issues and, like a number of emotionally abusive partners, needed to dismantle her self esteem to exercise this control.

Suspicious, thanks for the update! I'm really glad to hear that you are in a more positive mindset.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Why isn't he blocked. If he's contacting you, change your number.

Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

Mousee, I haven't blocked him bc I knew something like this was coming and I wouldn't have gotten the laugh if he was blocked. However, I know this is bad reasoning. I'm blocking him bc now I'm thinking @ him again (albeit in a completely different way now ) and that's "no bueno".

And yes, I look just fine physically Caretaker. Of all the women I used to hang out with, I was the thinnest. I have no problem with my physicality. He just didn't like that I didn't spend hours in the gym on a daily basis. Even when I did work out, it was how much did you do? How long? WHat level? Is that it?

And the proof is in the ending of their relationship bc she is a fitness model and he still couldn't manage to keep her.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 10:39 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
TXMommy
Member
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

I remember you! I'm so happy for you!
Yep, he's fishing... he's NPD... it's ALL about him, and you're better off without him!
Seriously, block him....
I like IrishGirl's idea, too though. I don't have much restraint!


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Is it bad that I'm just now able to say I'm in R?

Posts: 549 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
suspicious247
Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)

So I got the skinny of on type of surgery he got and it had something to do with his veins? I am by no means a vascular expert but how in the hell could anything like that cause you to be impossible, moody and a liar?!

I did some googling and found seomthing called Vascular Dementia but I sincerely doubt it's that serious. Plus from what I understand, that is usually precipitated by a stroke. Anyway - I will keep you all updated if anything life-threatening happens.


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 417