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User Topic: Facing up to inlaws
unforgivable5
Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

My BS's mother is coming to town tonight to staty for a few days. Awkward doesn't even begin to describe what it feels like. I know I need to face up to what I have done to everyone, but this is going to be rough. This was her daughter. And I was her "role model" son-in-law. She has always treated me like a son and is so hurt and disappointed by my actions. I don't even know how to approach this


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
still-living
Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

The main reason I chose to reconcile with my wife and knew things were going to be ok was when she expressed her desire to confess to my parents.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14

My dog farted, startled himself, wondered where the noise came from. I wish my life was as simple.


Posts: 686 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
unforgivable5
Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

she already knows, which makes it a little easier I guess bc I won't be blindsiding her with it. I'm just having a panic attack realizing I have to look her in the face. I want to talk to her about this, but the shame and guilt I feel is just so powerful

[This message edited by unforgivable5 at 10:27 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

When JM faced my parents, he shook so hard I thought he was going to come apart at the joints. He cried. A lot. At that point in time, I was still VERY skeptical and thought he was over the top.

My mom told him she would forgive him because she was commanded to (by her faith). But that if he hurt me again she would probably kill him.


I think it is SO important that you acknowledge your shame. Acknowledge that you have disappointed your MIL, and that it is a lot easier to forgive a harm done to you than to someone you love. Tell her you know it will be hard to regain her trust but that you are committed to rebuilding that relationship as well as your M.

Make eye contact, no matter how much you just want to run away.

You can do this.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2659 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Your situation sounds exactly like the relationship with my mom and FWH.

She always treated him like a son, and he was the "golden boy" to everyone in my family.

FWH learned more about unconditional love by the way my family reacted to this than he's ever seen in his life.

My mom told him, "When your mom passed away I promised I'd be there for you no matter what, and I mean that. I won't stand for you treating Jrazz with disrespect and I will support her in whatever she needs, but I will always be there for you as well."

I was mad at first and it didn't make sense, but after some time had passed I was blown away at how my mom stuck by her commitment to be there for him. He does have a good heart, he just got really lost for a while. She sees the good in him and supports him, and I am proud of her for reaching past her pain to be there for him.


Approach your inlaws with humility. Let your MIL say what she needs to, and if she shows you grace then tell her you are humbled by her capacity for forgiveness. Thank them by being the best son in law you can be.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16433 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
unforgivable5
Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. This feels like the 2nd hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I'm not good at emotional control so I feel like I'll react similar to JM.


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

BS here. This very timely for us as my H plans on telling my parents when we see them.

Jrazz, I hope they act as your mom did. She showed true compassion and saw the good man behind the terrible behaviour. My H is also seen as the "golden boy". My family loves him. They have been generous with him. This is really going to hurt. I would rather they NOT know but we must tell them as my 17 year old niece found out. Besides, my H feels he owes them an apology too bc he "used" them to meet the AP.

Unforgiveable5, I hope it goes well for you. As the others said, look your MIL in the eye, let her know how very remorseful you are and how committed you are to her daugther and how sorry you are for hurting her (your MIL) bc she has always been so good to you. You can do it.

[This message edited by LA44 at 1:29 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2111 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I want to add, too, that my parents and my H have a WONDERFUL relationship now. He, like Crazz, has learned about unconditional love, forgiveness, and family from my parents and siblings. He never saw anything like that modeled and has been blown away by my family's response to him.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2659 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Card
Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

My BS's mother is coming to town tonight to staty for a few days. Awkward doesn't even begin to describe what it feels like. I know I need to face up to what I have done to everyone, but this is going to be rough. This was her daughter. And I was her "role model" son-in-law. She has always treated me like a son and is so hurt and disappointed by my actions. I don't even know how to approach this

Isn't it sad that none of us had this on our radar screen when we started down the path of adultery.

It does feel good to start working our way out of the hole we've dug though. It took me about a full five years to get back to ground zero. And that was with me working my ass off in the process.

Just a hint, no excuses for anything that's happened, OK.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 9