Wayward Side
User Topic: How much of love is a choice?
Member # 34805
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

My BS asked for D, and I find myself still deeply in love with him. Since this is inevitable, I have started some self protection- to try to consciously fall "out of love."

I know this choice is an element in having an A. A large part of many WSs allowing themselves to have an A comes from the justification that they don't love the BS anymore. Admittedly, much of this is history re-written after the A is discovered, but I think the WS convincing themselves they are no longer "in love" with the BS is partly a decision as they have decided to have the A already. Hand in hand with this is the decision the WS is "in love" with the AP. I know there is a strong chemical component, but I also think part of it is choice (even if it is unconscious choice).

Should the BS decide to R, I have seen them struggle with choosing to love the WS again. Yes, a lot is rebuilding trust, remorse, hard work etc- but first comes the choice to love.

How much of love driven by our minds and choices? Can it be so simple as committing your will to something?

Don't look at how far you have to go, but how far you have come

Posts: 350 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

BS here, I think the choice comes in what you do with that love.

"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

The heart wants what it wants. But you can choose the correct actions for the situation, and then eventually feelings will change.

My heart has been changed in this manner.

Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I know what you are trying to do. I have told myself more than a few times that it would be easier if I could just hate my BS.

I have decided that I can still love my BS. It's not going to be the romantic love that I want, but I can love her through the D, respect her, treat her well, and be kind to her. I decided that I will model this for my boys to learn, and they will at least see that I love their mother as they grow.

Does that make sense? I knew that I couldn't make myself feel differently, so I just channeled it the best I could. I have seen it referred to as "detaching with love" in the CoDA program.

Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D

Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Member # 34805
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Just to be clear- I have no desire to hate him or ever treat him in a less than civil friendly manner. I hope in time we could be friends. Other than my children, he is the dearest person in the world to me.

However, I hate that I still love him and that my heart races every time I hear from him. I am usually more controlled than this. I want to turn this off.

As to "the heart wants what the heart wants" well my heart has no common sense and I don't want to follow it anymore.

I am trying a more businesslike approach to dealing with him. I have to get control of this. Otherwise, I have a horrible fear I will end up clinging to him and begging him not to go in some pathetic manner.

Don't look at how far you have to go, but how far you have come

Posts: 350 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I am not saying that yoU want to hate him. I apologize if that its how it sounded.

I think NC except for kids and finances will help you with this. BS and I have been separated for almost a year, and just over the last month or two have I really been able to realLy get over that heart fluttering feeling.

It hasn't been too long since you both decided on D right? Give yourself time.

[This message edited by badchoice at 4:32 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D

Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Conversely, can you make yourself love someone, when you feel love no more?

WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
Member # 34805
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

badchoice- no worries, I was not upset. I just sometimes am not as clear in posts as it seems in my head.

WWMEH13- Maybe. Perhaps choosing to commit emotionally and to be vulnerable again leads back to love. I chose that but I completely understand why my BH did not. Maybe the choice is the first step- like jumping off a cliff. But after the devastation of an A, how could a BS feel safe enough to do this?

Don't look at how far you have to go, but how far you have come

Posts: 350 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Very good questions WishingForLethe and WWMEH13.

These are things I have been mulling over in my mind quite a bit.

So tell me this: How do you define love? How do you define love for a partner vs any other family member or friend?

Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 915 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

How much of love is a choice? Not much. Love is an emotion and feeling. How good are you at controling emotions and feelings. This site would not exist if we had that down. No one would choose to feel hurt or pain if they were nice little toggles. Rage, anger, would vanish as well.

You can act lovingly toward someone and not feel love for them at all but know how those actions will either achieve a goal or help another.

You can also make choices that are disasterous towards people you love that cause great pain depending on our state of mind and health as a person.

Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth

Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

How much of love driven by our minds and choices? Can it be so simple as committing your will to something?

Everyone is different, but in my reality, love is almost completely a choice. As far as BS's go, if they were truly compatible with their WS and the relationship was generally positive, the feelings of love can be resurrected. You look for the qualities you fell in love with, you spend lots of time together, have adventures together. You nurture your desire for the WS in whatever way works. You act in a loving way and it's like planting seeds. The love grows back.

Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 11