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User Topic: how to get out of emailing only?
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

So my new co-worker put me in touch with a friend and all we've done is email back and forth. I'm not looking for a pen pal so I don't know what to do? I need to meet face to face to see if there's chemistry.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Feb 2008
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

"While its been very nice getting to know you via email, I think its time to meet in person. What day works for you?"


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6519 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Yep, just put it out there - with OLD I often say something like, "It's great getting to know you; I'd love to meet sometime. Would you be open to getting a drink during happy hour next week?"


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13787 | Registered: Jul 2011
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Absolutely, just get it out there. Ask for whatever venue you would like.

You are correct, in person meetings are so important, how else will you get to the kissing stage!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Let him know what would please you so he doesn't have to wonder...

"It's been fun receiving your emails. I'd enjoy trying that new cafe on Main Street and meeting in person."

This makes It really easy for him to ask you out.

Let him do some work around date planning so you don't set the stage to be The Social Director. He still has to ask you.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

Thanks for all the ideas. IDK if this guy wants to date right now. I replied to an email last night asking what he likes to do for fun when not working and he was like I'm really busy with work and daughter but I like to do x,y,z. Kinda put me off - haven't responded but since he's a friend of coworker feel like I should. If this was old i'd probably be done by now without at least a drink set up


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Feb 2008
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

I would have interpreted his email the same way.
Its as if he's giving you an upfront warning that he wont have a lot of time for you.

Again, it might be best to just ask outright what happens from here. You dont want a penpal and if he isnt in a place to date face to face, this is really just a waste of your time.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6519 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

I'd probably respond to that one with a "Wow, sounds like you're really busy! If you have the time and would like to grab a drink though, please let me know."


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13787 | Registered: Jul 2011
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

I haven't responded yet. I don't want to force someone to ask me out
IDK what to do? Co-worker says she thinks he's been burned as he's so nice. She is the one that initiated the whole thing so it's not like he was looking to date.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Feb 2008
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

I'd probably go with something like Ama's last response, but then not say anything else if he doesn't ask you out and just move on.

(That is assuming that your only real indication of interest in meeting was asking him what he likes to do in his free time and not something more obvious already.)


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Dec 2011
I.will.survive
Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

I agree it does sound like a warning, but why is he still taking the time to write? Is he being polite for the same reason you are maybe?

Ask him out like the suggestions above, but give him 2 choices of dates/places. If he chooses neither and doesn't pick a 3rd option, I would say this is going to go nowhere and you're done.

Good luck!


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

but then not say anything else if he doesn't ask you out and just move on

Yeah, sorry, I meant this part too but didn't say it.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13787 | Registered: Jul 2011
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

ps - Why??, having met you several times, it absolutely astounds me that you're still single. You are an incredible, beautiful woman, and I can't believe the guys in your city don't seem to see that!


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13787 | Registered: Jul 2011
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, April 4th (Thursday)

So I've not heard anything back but I didn't mention gtg. I just think his statement said it all about busy with work and daughter.

Thanks, Ama. Guess I haven't met a keeper. No one since D I've been head over heels ya know? Not giving up like Sandra Bullock in The Lakehouse...where's my Keanu ;-)

[This message edited by Why?? at 5:23 PM, April 4th (Thursday)]


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Feb 2008
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, April 4th (Thursday)

Just wanted to post our last 2 messages to make sure you guys agree with me:
my last response:
Penpal,
Hope your day went well. Sounds like you keep very busy. I enjoy seeing live music, hiking, walking, visiting quaint little towns, and yoga. I actually joined a Bocce ball league recently so I'm looking forward to that in a couple of weeks.
Have a nice evening,
Why??

His last message:
Well finding free time is very tough. Between work and my daughter I am pretty busy. But love the outdoors, quiet evenings at home, bowling, concerts, festivals, good bands You??

After reading this I think I dodged a bullet. He is upfront saying I wouldn't be a priority - aha moment!

[This message edited by Why?? at 6:22 PM, April 4th (Thursday)]


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Feb 2008
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)

Geez, dont't know why he is bothering to email me. Sends a message saying he's been so busy and more pen pal bs
Thinking of not responding. Who has time for this???? Just don't want him to tell coworker I didn't respond to him.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Feb 2008
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)

"I am so busy fun activities after work that I am limited in my email time. I wish you all the best. - Why??"

If you do want to leave a response, what about this one?


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)

I HATE poofing unless the guy gives a really explicit reason.

I'd probably say, "Wow, I'm impressed you find time to email with how busy you are! I'm not really looking for a pen pal, but you seem like a great guy. If you'd ever like to get a drink, please feel free to give me a call." and then go quiet unless he asks you out.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13787 | Registered: Jul 2011
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

I was wondering what ever happened with this - thanks for the update.

IDK if you really dodged a bullet per se. Meaning him saying he is busy with his DD and work are good things. His DD should come first and work....welp - money is important.

I am with Ama....I would flat-out put it on the table (ie you are interested in him....but not this emailing forever stuff).

I had OLD penpal for a LONG time....I could tell you all about him, his family and beyond but never met the guy. I finally cut him loose too.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2173 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Thanks for listening to me about this Anyway, not really feeling it anymore. It was one thing when my new co-worker first brought this up and I thought why not, one drink...but now this pen pal bs is annoying. Plus to add more info. I last e-mailed him 4/3 and he just responded 4/9 with this message:
Hi Why??!
How is your week going so far? I have ben very busy at work which is a great thing! Anything fun planned for the weekend? Talk to you soon

I think I'm done...I already mentioned to new co-worker I didn't think he was looking date. I just don't want him to pin this on me saying I never responded or something

[This message edited by Why?? at 6:43 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)]


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Feb 2008
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

I just don't want him to pin this on me saying I never responded or something

Why does this matter?


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Dec 2011
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

Because I am new and this is the first person who has been very friendly to me and I don't want her to think I blew him off.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Feb 2008
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

Why?? I agree that you shouldn't just poof because you were set up by a friend/coworker. I actually wouldn't be surprised if he feels the same way, and that's why the delay in responding. Kind of the long, slow, drawn out poof. That's why I think you should put your cards on the table and make it very clear that you would be interested in meeting, but not pen pals, no hard feelings, the end.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13787 | Registered: Jul 2011
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

Oh, I thought you meant that you cared what he thought about you, and I just kept thinking -- why does it matter since it doesn't look like you will meet, so who cares what he thinks?

Have you spoken with your coworker at all about this?

I had a somewhat similar situation. I had been at my job for about 5 months when a coworker (more senior than me, but not my boss) wanted to introduce me to her daughter's volleyball coach. She gave him my e-mail address, we pen-palled a bit, and things never happened. Seemed like a nice enough guy, but I need someone with more initiative!

I just told her that I had suggested meeting after a few e-mails; he didn't appear interested and just appeared to want to e-mail. I'm not even sure who poofed on whom, but it's been months since we've e-mailed (I think our last conversation was about Halloween.) She just laughed, said something like "too bad -- he's missing out!" and our relationship is fine.

I think you might be worrying too much about what she thinks. Not that you need to be spilling your love life to her, but I'd probably mention something like "thanks for the introduction, but it didn't work out!"


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Dec 2011
SkeerdButHopeful
Member
Member # 27541
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, April 12th (Friday)

I'd probably say, "Wow, I'm impressed you find time to email with how busy you are! I'm not really looking for a pen pal, but you seem like a great guy. If you'd ever like to get a drink, please feel free to give me a call." and then go quiet unless he asks you out.

I agree with this.


Me BS45. XWH44 NPD. M 8 yrs. DD8. Dday 1/26/10. DIVORCED 5/16/11. Harassment charges twice. Judge ordered NCO for 1 yr, as well as parenting & anger mgmt classes. NCO has since expired, so harassment continues disguised as concern for DD.

Posts: 803 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: USA
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

Yes, I did talk a bit to the new co-worker and told her the basic info that I don't think he's looking to date based on his very busy responses, etc.. I did reply to his last message but expect the slow poof. Not really interested anymore but due to the coworker don't want to be the poofer...Have my 1st outside of work get together and I'm nervous. My crush was invited...maybe he shows with a date and that will kill it for me once and for all!! Also, stopped by my old job today. Really miss many things about it


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Feb 2008
GrievingMommy
Member
Member # 28127
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

I say go with what Ama said if he replies again. ("Wow, I'm impressed you find time to email with how busy you are! I'm not really looking for a pen pal, but you seem like a great guy. If you'd ever like to get a drink, please feel free to give me a call.")

That way it's more or less saying I'm done emailing - 'shit or get off the pot'.

If after sending that email he stills sporadiacally sends emails, I'd ignore them.

Hopefully your crush won't show up with a date!!

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 7:07 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]


Me - Now 36 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1691 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, April 14th (Sunday)

So I had a good time last night at the work event. Crush showed up dateless...someone was offering to set him up with some wealthy colleague's daughter

Hope my dry spell ends soon! Need a real prospect


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Feb 2008
Topic Posts: 28