SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: found out yesterday
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Finally figured out how to unlock his phone while he was showering yesterday getting ready for work. Had trust issues but didn't know what I'd find. Was surprised to find incriminating texts between my husband and his former 3rd grade teacher. Sexual in nature with references to past sexual encounters. Background...this teacher discovered my husband was being physically abused at home as a child, called authorities and he was removed from the home. We've only been married 3 years. A couple years ago he looked her up to thank her. She's about 15 years his senior. My husband and I are from the same home town. Our families still live there. The OW still lives there. We now live in a tourist city and the OW was here with her girlfriend who is also a mutual friend of mine and my husband's. We all got together for lunch. That was his first meeting with her as an adult. Since then they've formed a friendship and she has confided in him about the abusive marriage she's been in for 30 years. That's what I understood their relationship to be. My husband and I had a baby 4 months ago. She sent a gift. When we were home visiting for the holidays he went to her house because she had Christmas gifts for the baby and my 2 older children from previous relationships. She and I are not friends but I did send.her a Facebook message asking for her address so I could send a thank you card. I'm utterly disgusted with the exchange that I read between the two of them that took place Easter Sunday, March 31... Needless to say my demeanor changed dramatically by the time my husband was out of the shower. He kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn't bear to confront him. After much probing I told him to ask OW. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about and continued trying to get me to talk. I refused to say anything more about it. He went to work. I met with my pastor. When I got home with the baby he had just gotten home from work. I looked at him and walked by and straight to my bedroom. He went upstairs. I packed some things and then went upstairs to tell him I was taking off for a couple days. The baby's with me. The other two ages 18 & 11 are home. I plan on returning home tomorrow. He didn't try to stop me when I left. He texted last night saying goodnight and I love you. I texted this morning to let him know I withdrew $1000 from our checking and put it in a safe place. He asked how I was. I asked how he would feel if he were me. He said he would've talked to me before involving other people. I told him he knows what he's done and it is his turn to talk. Haven't heard from him again. Dreading coming face to face with him tomorrow. So many crazy emotions right now. Part of me wants to contact OW and tell her what a weak, pathetic person she is. Part of me wants to scream at him how dare he try to turn this around on me. He certainly didn't talk to me before getting involved with OW! Now I find myself a 41 year old with a baby looking once again at being a single mom. I quit my Jon to stay home with baby. What the hell am I going to do? I should let the kids finish out the school year. My oldest is graduating high school. If I move in with my parents... A 4 hour drive from here... I'll be living in the same small town as the OW!

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Oh wow...

So sorry you're here, but glad you found us.

This is so sick. It's like you're suffering from infidelity, but your OW is like a child molester at the same time. Only removed by 15 years. Freaky.

I think you're doing the right thing by being criptic in the way you are dealing with your WH. Sometimes it's best not to show your hand early in the "game."

Hang in there. Others will be along soon to give you more advice.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

(((((D3))))) I'm so sorry you had a reason to come looking for a place like SI but I'm glad you found us.

He said he would've talked to me before involving other people.

That just made me

I actually said "Holy f*ck" out loud.

You're right, he didn't ask you before adding a third person to your M.

The abusive BH- that's a common claim of OW.

Is your pastor supportive of whatever choice you make or only R? IME some pastors really don't get that infidelity is a deal breaker sometimes, and rightly so. There's a reason God compares marital infidelity to work shipping other gods (look at the whole book of Hosea for example).

Consult a lawyer and find out your rights. You might be able to make your WH leave. He certainly has not earned a place in your family. Even if you do decide to R, he needs to work on some deep seated issues from the sounds of it.

If you come from a small town, I'm sure your parents can make sure people know what a skank the OW is...but inform the BH first. Reality is a cruel wake up call to the APs.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

You are doing the right thing in taking a little time for yourself. The good thing is that you do not have to make any decisions right now. I if you stay till your daughter graduates, that is ok too. Take care of yourself and your baby right now.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Oh my GOD. You should sell this as a script to the Lifetime Movie Channel!!! Former 3rd grade teacher?! YIPES!

I'm so sorry you found yourself here, and I think it's good that you took some time to think - it must be hard to be running after 3 kids while tying to think clearly in a traumatic moment like this.

Best of luck tomorrow (((hugs)))


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I'm new to all this. Wish I understood all the abbreviations. My pastor is not pushing me in either direction. He did point out that the Bible says infidelity is grounds for divorce but it is ultimately my decision. He also said I should not contact OW. I could easily ruin her life if I told her husband or the Catholic school where I believe she's still teaching. But how would that help me?

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

You need to tell her husband immediately! If ypu can include evidence all the better but he needs to be told. Don't believe the crap about him being "abusive" because if he was truly abusive, she wouldn't dare risk getting her a** whipped for sleeping with another man. TELL HIM!


There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I agree about telling her husband. And remember, YOU are not ruining her life. SHE did that when she decided to jump in the sack with your husband.

The "abusive husband" line is right out of the cheaters handbook. I was in an abusive marriage and cheating would have been the LAST thing I would have done. And stay for 30 years? Nah, that would have been the 2nd to the last thing. This has LIE all over it.

Telling the other BS has nothing to do with revenge and everything to do with making sure the affair ends. It also puts things on an even playing field. How would you feel if all of this was going on and YOU were the only one who didn't know? He deserves to know.

It isn't the end of the world to start over. Sometimes it's a blessing. It may not seem like it now, I know. But better to start over with someone honest, faithful and wonderful rather than stay with someone who continues to lie, cheat and make you miserable.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Theradin
Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I can't imagine the amount of pain and disgust you must be feeling. We're here for you. It will be better. I promise. Whether or not that is with your WS or not.


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Thank you everyone for your support. This is the first time I've ever participated in any type of internet forum. I think this is helping. That said, I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face and a cranky baby in my lap. How could he throw this all away?!! This is his only child. There's so much I love about him. Why???
My head is spinning...will he come clean? Will he show remorse? He wrote the most beautiful message in the anniversary card he gave me March 18. How can this be happening? Does he care enough to change?

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

I understand what you pastor was saying...however, one way to stop the affair is to out it. I did not and tremendously regret that. If you tell her husband then she has accountability to him. You would have liked to have known sooner I am sure.

If the affair is not outed, it gives it more opportunity to go underground. I do not believe reporting to employer does any good, but personal accountability does.

I am sorry you are going through the pain you are having. It is terrible.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

((((disappointed3)))

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. I also discovered that WH was having an affair 2 months ago when my youngest was only 4 months old. It was devastating to know that while I was home nursing and caring for a newborn he was off screwing OW.

I'm also a SAHM, so was terrified of how this would work. My WH wanted a divorce right away though. See, he lied to OW about being married so he wanted the fasted divorce possible. Now she knows about me and the kids, but is still with him. Only she says he has to get a divorce or she will leave him.

Anyway, in my case, I took advantage of the fact that he wants a fast divorce. He is paying through the nose. I asked him for 2/3 of his income for the next 5 years, his brand new paid for car, his air miles, 1/2 his 401k, etc. He's a dipshit and is going to be living off a small amount of money with his whore.

I don't know what to tell you since he might be willing to reconcile (if you are too of course). Make sure he pays though if he plans on leaving you or vice versa. Take advantage of him while he feels guilty.

Lots of hugs and thinking of you tonight.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 920 | Registered: Mar 2013
jackson
Member
Member # 18819
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

You should inform the OW's BH ASAP. He needs to be able to protect himself from her A just as you need to protect yourself. All of you need to be tested for stds as there is no telling how many A she has been involved in. Do not make any immediate decisions on your M. There is no rush. Let the emotions settle down and then rational decisions can be made. Meanwhile take care of you and your child. The two of you take priority now.

Posts: 790 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Midwest
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)

Her BH should get to choose whether he wants to stay in a M with a WW or not.

If she works for a Catholic school, then her employers should also know so they can make the choice to retain her employment or not.

I taught and I can't imagine ever looking at a former student as a potential partner, M or single. The choice she made to commit adultery is very concerning

Does he care enough to change?

As my pastor said, the best chance of that happening is for a cheating spouse to have to face reality. That's outing the A to people like the employer and the BSs. It's being ready to file for D knowing it might wake him up to what he's throwing away or he might walk away.

Your WH may be an adult, but the OW's behavior feels predatory. It was still his choice, but the circumstances are disturbing.

I know I'm bouncing all over the place, but I just want to caution about relying on the pastor. Some pastors honestly don't know how to best deal with infidelity. Our first pastor in '99 told me I had to forgive and forget, never talk about the A again. Immediately and forever. A few moves and years later, my H has another A and I find out he lied the whole time about the extent of the 1A. Burying it under the rug and calling it forgiveness actually harmed our M. Our current pastor was a BH, so he understands not just from a Biblical aspect, but from a real world, how-do-you-deal-with-the-insanity aspect.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
wanttogoforward
Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

Let me get this straight.... his OW is a CATHOLIC school teacher and your pastor thinks her JOB is her biggest worry... the woman is having an affair with a former student... that is creepy and makes me worry for the other children in her care... if she'd cross those boundaries as a CATHOLIC woman who is supposed to be upstanding... then what else is she doing to those children or former students.... this is plain wrong.... her husband needs to be informed immediately... I'm not saying to call her employer.... YET.... but at the very least her husband needs to know! Then at some point depending on how things go her school may need to know... she works with children and could b doing inappropriate things with them....

Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Offhispedestal
Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

out the other woman NOW, contacy her H, contact her Job. NIP it in the bud asap. Will he be mad?? Yes and it doesn't matter if he gets mad, if she contacts him in tears. This is what happens. These are a few of the consequences. I know you are afraid that this might make him angry, hate you or run to be with her. The dust will settle in time. The more you wait the longer it continues. I don't regret it one minute that I called her husband like a few hrs after my H confessed.
Did my H get angry ? Yes... Have me the silent treatment and acted like I was the one to fuck it all up.
But a few yrs later he says he totally understands and would have done the same thing!

Breathe. Get someone to watch your baby and call her job, call her husband. There is no reason why you need to tiptoe.
The only reason I would not out them is if he is a violent person or has hit you. I'm so sorry you are going through this!!!


ME-44
WH-45
Married 24


2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R


Posts: 639 | Registered: Jun 2011
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

To wanttogoforward...I think you misunderstood...my pastor never mentioned OW job being a concern. I just think telling her job would be one way to

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

To wanttogoforward...I think you misunderstood...my pastor never mentioned OW job being a concern. I just think telling her job would be one way to ruin her life.

After all the comments I have read I think I will contact her BH. Not sure how I should do it. I looked up their home phone number this morning but I'd really rather tell him in person. I could make the 4 hr drive this weekend.

But what do I say? I've never met this man before. Whether I call their house or show up at the door, how do I tell this stranger that his wife is sleeping with my husband?

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you all for your input. I can't believe how much this website is helping me. Only 2 days post DDay and I feel so much stronger and, surprisingly, I feel a sense of freedom I haven't felt in a long time.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

((disappointed3))

I agree with the others that the right thing, and the kind thing, to do is to tell the other BS. Be gentle and direct - tell him what you know.

Do you have copies or access to the texts now? Or perhaps a online phone record showing the number of texts...? Anything to offer the OW's BH? Proof is useful, especially if OW got a head's up from your WS, and prepped her BH to think you are crazy. This is typical. And for that reason do not tell your WH that you intend to inform OW's BH.

Now if you don't have proof - I'd still tell him. Two sets of BS's eyes on this is better than one. And even if he doesn't believe you - he'll be watching - and may have better access to communication.

I don't think you need to make a 4 hour drive with a baby to do it, or even to do it in person - totally your call, or maybe ask others here what they did or experienced with informing the other BS.

I'm really glad you found the site - it sucks to be alone when dealing with this.

((((disappointed3)))

[This message edited by Take2 at 6:39 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4133 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
daledge
Member
Member # 38886
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

I am feeling your pain! You should tell the other woman's husband. Call him, meet him.
I did it. It was wonderful. Very powerful. It will help keep the other woman busy for a while. Next, go to a lawyer and learn your rights. Then go find a good therapist. But talk to your husband when you feel ready. Don't worry that this is his only child. He didn't worry about that! It's just sick that it's this old bag he's with. My husband chose an older woman, too. Makes me laugh though. Don't jump immediately to divorce. Sounds like there are a lot of issues here. If you enlist the other spouse, let him handle her, you don't need to.
Good luck!

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013
positively4thst
Member
Member # 23998
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

This is so sick. It's like you're suffering from infidelity, but your OW is like a child molester at the same time.

This. Oh my God. She made believe she was rescuing him and then she abused him. I know your husband is a grown man and makes his own choices but she totally f'd with his mind and vulnerability. Actually, she selected him as her victim and preyed on him as she is doing now. People who rescue people do it out of the goodness of their heart, not for their own personal benefit. And even if all the stars and moon aligned and two thought they were "in love", the adult - AKA the "rescuer" would never act on it or allow it to be explored.

She needs to be reported. I wonder how many others she has manipulated?


Posts: 1252 | Registered: May 2009
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

Take2... As a matter of fact, I do have proof. When I saw the texts, I took pictures of the entire exchange, screen by screen,with my phone camera. Then I sent them to my email and printed them out. The hard copies are at a friend's house. I still have the pics on my phone and they are still in my email as well as saved on my computer.

Now back to how I tell OW BH...
Do I just call him up and say... What?

I need help with exactly what words to use.

Any thoughts?


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

Yes, bring your evidence.
While you're at it, keep copies of your evidence in a safe place - with friends or family.

I agree with sadtoo that playing it close to the vest, and not letting on what you know is the best plan in some situations. Mums the word.

In that vein, do not reveal your plan. You will be painted as the crazy, vindictive bitch, and her husband will be harmed.
Let him know with kindness and compassion, and this is very important - let go of the outcome. Some people can go to denial...just let that go, it's not your job.

I'm glad you found us, I'm sad you had to.


Posts: 6646 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

Be careful approaching him in person in case his ww starts acting crazy. Do not tell your H that you plan to inform the ow bs because he will warn her and she will make you out to be crazy to her h.

If your H gets mad at you for informing just tell him that if the roles were reversed you would expect him to do the same, that it is the right thing to do. ALso, get tested for std's - the bh needs to get tested, too, which is another reason to tell.

Hugs.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6137 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

SI has a vault of exact words to fix every situation, but dang I haven't found it yet!

Just listen to your heart.
Be kind.
It's easy being kind to you, because...isn't he you? Yep.

(((hugs))) sweet lady.


Posts: 6646 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

I've been home since this morning and he came home early from work while I was in the bedroom taking a nap with the baby. He went upstairs and holed up in the guest room until I took the baby up there not long ago and told him he needs to take care of the baby for a while. I came back downstairs to watch the news. A few minutes later he came downstairs with the baby and went straight to the bedroom. I went in there just now and asked him if was going to want to talk anytime soon. He said "about what? There's nothing to talk about. Go ahead and talk." I said "if you don't care enough about me or the baby, okay. I'll be meeting with a lawyer tomorrow. Let me know if you change your mind."

I'm trying hard now to keep it together and not cry & scream.

He won't fess up!

Part of me knew this would be his response but I just can't wrap my head around the fact that he's willing to lose it all!


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

I'm sorry but this is pretty normal. They very rarely confess. The norm is to concede the point when confronted with evidence or to partly concede it - known as minimizing. It took my husband 13 weeks to admit to a sexual affair. In the meantime I got several "complete" versions of the truth.

His game is likely to be to find out what you know and then to cover his ass as best he can. Expect a lot of lies said with complete sincerity.

Honestly, if I had not heard my husband on tape phoning the OW I would have believed him totally when he said they were just friends.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

First off -- I'm so proud of you!!! Wow! - pictures and emailing it to yourself!!? Rarely does a new BS who JFO have that presence of mind!!

And I think you are handling his denial just right too! (his reaction aside - cause even if you can predict it - to some degree - you can't control him). He's probably deleted the texts and thinks he is sitting pretty smug.

Note to self: we've determined that, for the time being, he is a total chicken shit asshole.

As for the OW's BH - is it possible to find his home number? Any idea where he works?

I would call, give him your name, apologize for delivering bad news and then just tell him. I would add that you have evidence in the form of texts between them and offer to forward them to him. If you are willing you can let him know that he is welcome to call you, should he need to, or if he discovers any further contact between them - and ask if he would do the same for you. Or if you would rather not have any further contact - tell him.

As for your WH... it would not hurt to go see a lawyer on a consult basis to see where you stand legally...

All that being said - as to a confrontation with your WH -- Are you safe? (Not trying to scare you but these matters can turn ugly on a dime; we have seen that here recently.) If you have any doubt - take steps to protect yourself physically, as well as your health, and your emotional self.

More hugs!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4133 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

I do have OW/her BH home phone number. But what if she answers the phone?

I did call the legal office on base (did I mention WH is a career military man?). I am going in tomorrow to talk to a lawyer.

WH is now sitting in the living room with me and his silence is getting me more and more upset!

Is there anything I can say to him without giving up my source?

I don't know how much more of the silent treatment I can take!

I want to know how he can be so nonchalant about losing his only child!


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

Try not to say anything to him. He will continue to lie and minimize at this point. Have you read up on the 180 in the Healing Library. It helps you focus on yourself while he is being a dick.

I know how hard it is to not say anything. I had to pretend I didn't know for almost three weeks while my PI and attorney did their thing.

It is best this early on not to reveal your sources. Good luck tomorrow.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 467 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

Please DO NOT tell your H what you know or HOW you know. He sounds like the type who will just deny, deny, deny. If you show and tell at this point, he will take what you have and put his own spin on things, convince you that you are seeing things, crazy or worse. Then he will contact OW and they will join forces and come up with the same story. And she will warn her BS about you being some "crazy woman."

Nope. Keep it all to yourself. I know it's hard, but it is for the best. If he doesn't know what you know, he can't plan. If he is really sorry, he will come to you and BE HONEST. He doesn't need to know what you know first. That's not being honest.

Now as far as the OW's BS. I would call him on the phone. Politely tell him who you are and that you have some information that he needs to have. Tell him that you will be glad to meet him and go from there. Maybe he will meet you half way so you don't have to drive so far. Try to find out where he works so you don't have to take the risk of her answering the phone.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

Is it even too much to tell him I know he cheated and see where it goes from there?

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

I wouldn't. But that's just me. Keep it to something like, "You know what you're doing." and leave it at that.

I know you want him to do the right thing and I know you just want this to be better. But he seems like he is a long way from coming clean and even further from remorse and reconciliation.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
heartbrokensad
Member
Member # 26846
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)

yes yes listen to everyone here!! mine lied n lied!! until i figured out where OW lived n drove n cought them together!!! but for 2 months he lied lied lied!!! i had a 3 month old at the time as well as a 2 yr old, 9, 11, and 12 yr old!! soooo i feel ur pain!! it is devestating!!! its been 4 yrs but still hurts very very much!!!

hugs to u n ur little ones remember no matter the outcome u n ur babies r what matter!! so please please take care of urself!!


ME: 35
WH: 34
D- #1: 10/03/09(phonecalls)

D-DAY #2: 12/13/09 cought them together
M: 8 yrs together 13
him 2 wonderful boys 15 and 13 who I helped raised for 13 yrs, me 14 yr old beatiful girl he adopted her! together 2 wonderful girls 5 yrs n


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
avicarswife
Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

Sadly they lie. I found texts on boxing day that made me concerned he was in an EA. When I asked questions he gaslighted me. They then went into overdrive to hide things.

It was not until the end of May when I found evidence and made him believe I had even more that he admitted it. Not only and EA but a PA for years as well as a second PA.

There seems to be a cheater's handbook. Amazingly they all seem to come out with the same sort of lies, excuses and manipulations until they come out of the fog (if they do).

Tell the other BS and show him the evidence. You won't probably need to tell your WH you know and have proof of his affair. Your WH will mostly likely hear it from the OW.

Lots of hugs D3 and keep posting. We are here to support each other.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

Well, WH successfully made it through the whole day without talking to me. This is not the behavior of an innocent man or a man who gives a damn if I stay or go. He's sleeping in the guest room. I can't sleep. I know it's only been 2 days since DDay but I feel like he could really exist like this forever. I don't know how long I can live with him and his silence.

Earlier this evening I was re reading the loving messages he wrote in the Valentine & anniversary cards he gave me (anniversary was just a few weeks ago). All our cards we exchanged were still out on display. I just noticed that they have all disappeared...the ones I gave him as well as the ones he gave me. I want those cards back! I'm tempted to go upstairs and ask him where my cards are. If he says he doesn't know what I'm talking about I might lose it. I'm going to try to wait until
morning to ask him. Why would he take those? I think I'll go crazy if I can't express my feelings to him.

Will someone remind me why I can't talk to him?!!!

Is there anything I can say to him that will make him talk?

I'm just having such a hard time understanding how he can hurt me so blatantly and not care!


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, April 4th (Thursday)


He is acting like he just doesn't care because he is not thinking of you or the marriage right now. He is thinking only of himself and how to cover up his dirty deeds.

Really, at this point, it is better to not talk to him, because feelings are so raw and new, and you may end up spilling what you know and how, and that would not be good right now. First you want to talk to the other Betrayed Spouse.

Also, you need to talk to the one in charge of the school where she teaches. That person has a right to know what kind of dirtbag is teaching the kids. The parents of those kids have a right to know. Wouldn't you want to know, if it were your kids? It's hard to tell how many people she has done this with. Eew!

Tell the Betrayed Husband, either on the phone or in person. Simply say, "I am sorry to have to come to you like this, but if I was in your shoes and didn't know, I would want someone to tell me. I have proof in black and white that your wife is having an affair with my husband. I can give you copies of this proof if you want it." It's important to be direct and to the point, to be gentle, and first off, offer proof. Approach the Other Woman's boss the same way.

(If your husband ever asks you why you did this without telling him first, point out to him that he didn't want to talk to you.) Really, though, you do not need to explain anything you do to him.

Next, get a free consultation with a good lawyer. You have rights as a Stay-At-Home-Mom. He should have to give you enough for you and the kids to live on, since he has supported you financially until now. He should have to continue to do so. If the lawyer doesn't think so, see another lawyer. You also can always make money on the side, too, at a flea market or babysitting or even a part time job. A roommate or boarder is another option. If it comes to Divorce, wait until it's final to make side money, though. For now, take all you can out of joint accounts and put in a safe place that cannot be discovered. You will need it later.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

Often when you confront, the WS denies and denies until you provide proof (essentially they plead the 5th) and wait you out to see what you have and what you know. Show them your proof and they minimize, say you misunderstood, say it was just a game like role playing...Or...they only kissed, they only met for coffee, it didn't mean anything.... Whatever they can say to squirm out of it. (Think three year old caught in the cookie jar...)

Meanwhile you have lost your source of information and are no further to uncovering the truth - as they only confirm what you already know. Heck some stick with denial - you are not seeing what you are seeing (gas-lighting - the equivalent of an imaginary friend eating the cookies).

Confrontation will not likely bring you satisfaction - whereas an actual confession might offer a little hope.

If you confront, (and if I'm honest, I couldn't hold it in for 2 days, but that is me). Do NOT reveal your source - even though he has likely secured his phone even more.

Some have gone the route of "I received a letter, email, or phone call with proof" but be prepared he may well deny and insist on seeing the proof.

Once confronted the unremorseful WS covers his ass big time. Catching him again becomes that much harder. If they are deep in the fog, think they are in luv with OP, or this was an exit A - money might disappear, they cash and stash what they can. Thus the advice to get all your ducks in a row and be prepared for anything.

I felt like an alien had taken over the body of my once seemingly loving spouse. I was dealing with some zombie creature who didn't know human rules and didn't play by them, and I couldn't predict what he'd do.

Thus the advice to get your ducks in a row. Get copies of financial stuff, IRA accts. taxes, pay stubs, insurance, and stash them, just in case. And think about what you want, the 180, (BS FAQ #11)and consider - is an A a dealbreaker for you? If not what would it take for you to consider R - what steps would he need to take for you to feel safe in this M?

((disappointed)) Make sure you are getting fluids!! Eat something!! Sleep whenever you can!!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4133 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

I got my cards back...when he came downstairs this morning I asked him where he put them. He asked me why I cared. I said because they're mine and I want them.he told me where they were. I asked him why he took them. He said since I took them down he figured I wanted to throw them away. I told him if I wanted to throw them away they'd be in the trash and that I had been looking allow over for them last night. He told me I should have asked him last night. I asked him if he really wanted me to wake him up for something like that. He said if that's what I needed to do.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

You said you sent the evidence to your email account. Does your WH know about this account? If so,does he have the password? If he doesn't,then you might consider opening a new account,one he doesn't know about,and forwarding all the evidence to that account. he might try and hack into your email account if he knows about it.

Im so sorry you're dealing with this.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7687 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

I just tried to call OW BH. Their home phone does not accept blocked calls. I don't want my # on their caller ID. Now what? Do I need to make the 4 hour drive?

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

You could buy a cheap prepaid phone, put some minutes on it and use it to make the call.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13809 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, April 4th (Thursday)


Or call from a pay phone.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
whensitover
Member
Member # 31207
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

I don't think he is being silent because he doesn't care, he isn't talking because he doesn't know what you know, and he is afraid to get caught in a lie. So he is trying to wait you out on what you know. I think he wants you to start first on what you know, and then he plans to go from there. But there is NO doubt he DEF knows you know something!! if it were me, I would make the four hours, because more than likely, your husband has already tipped off the OW that you know something. She will be waiting for that phone call. The fact that they don't accept callers from blocked numbers hints that the husband may know 'something' he may be suspicious of something. The only time I added that feature to my phone-land line-was after I had gotten so many private phone calls.

Posts: 452 | Registered: Feb 2011
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

just a thought on sharing info with the othe spouse. How about good old mail. You said you have printed copies of everything.
Write a note, stating you felt he deserved to know what was going on, and attach the stuff.
You don't put yourself in a dangerous situation, you don't have to drive, and you get the job done, and provide the hard proof that it will take for him to out her.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8713 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 4th (Thursday)

I'm going to reiterate keeping quiet and remind you why it's important.

You are absolutely right about your WS's actions. These are not the actions of an innocent man. He is going to wait this out because he NEEDS to know how much you know before he says anything. He will spin his story around what you say.

I know this feels completely alien to not speak to your spouse. But the others are right. You are running on emotion right now. Chances are you will slip up and say something that gives him ammunition to hurt you.

Try to find out where the OM works. Look on f/b. If you know his name, you can call the main switchboard and ask for him directly.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
whensitover
Member
Member # 31207
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, April 4th (Thursday)

The OW could possibly intercept a letter in the mail. You need to make sure HE gets the proof. Even if it is just walking up to him and handing him copies of all of the evidence. The only way I would do regular mail is if I could send it to his work address-that way she cannot intercept it.

Posts: 452 | Registered: Feb 2011
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 4th (Thursday)

just a thought on sharing info with the other spouse. How about good old mail.

But please, send it registered /certified. So that only he can receive it and only he can open it.

Maybe if you can find out where he works you can send the certified letter there so that the AP, for sure, cannot intercept it...

I would also like to say gently~

Since your WH was molested by someone in his family when young, that must change the brain chemistry a bit. He may be guarded/silent and self protecting himself by habit.

I am not excusing his infidelity in any way.
He is a douchebag for pretending to have romantic love with you and carrying on with some creep from his past.

You have proof of his heinous acts and exchanges with the old whore...but his response to being caught as an adult doing nasty things with the inappropriate person could be skewed by his early life.

I am a sexual abuse survivor, molested by a few of my mother's boyfriends after our father left us.

My sex life is completely skewed by my too early introduction to all things sexual. I never saw a therapist, too broke for that. It does complicate things at times...I just try to be 'NORMAL'.

All that to say that he may not give you a 'NORMAL' response because he is not 'NORMAL'.

I know that you are hurting, I can hear it in your posts. Honestly, you should not have to consider and his feelings at ALL! He is the one that breached the marriage.

Cheaters lie and lie, that is part of the ruse. But his early life may make him even more stoic.

Take care and continue to stonewall him. HE must confess, its the only way to find out what's up. You will know when he is lying and he might just give some other tidbit that you don't know about.

(((((disappointed3+sweet and cranky baby)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 4th (Thursday)

To: getting to happy.
WH was physically abused...his father beat him. He WAS NOT molested.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, April 4th (Thursday)

disappointed3,

Do you know where the other BS works?


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, April 4th (Thursday)

Try spooftel.com

You can even have it look like your WHs number of her work number.

I'm. Not entirely sure about not confronting, especially if it is tearing you up like this.

You can plan what you want to say.

"I know you're having an A with OW. I have irrefutable proof."

Don't tell him what proof. Make him believe you got it from a PI. That freaks them out most of the time. they can't control it, can't prevent it.

Then lay out your expectations. If you want a D, then base what you expect on him from your consultation with the lawyer.

If you want R, demand immediate NC. Make sure he understands breaking it (and you will eventually find out) will be met with D papers (or a separation or whatever your boundaries are). Tell him if you expect IC or MC (both a very good idea, especially given his background and the nature of the A). He needs to open his accounts and phones to you. He needs to answer any questions you have. Whatever else you need to heal.

Please don't give him time to think about what his answer is. His answer was yes when he made his vows. He is now either in the M or out. You deserve the respect of a commitment either way, rather than being treated like an option.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, April 4th (Thursday)

Sadtoo: no I don't know where other BS works. It's another military town and all I know is he's a civilian government employee and he works on base. If I knew how to get his work number I would call him right away.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, April 4th (Thursday)

I sent you a PM


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, April 4th (Thursday)

Okay, got it.

That is a totally different dynamic.

The reason why our father left was because he beat the shit out of everyone.

The coping mechanisims of victims are skewed. Stoicism is used to appear 'normal' to withstand the pain of the abnormal.


I would like to repeat that this in no way excuses his infidelity.
But it may give you some insight into his ability to compartmentilize.

Were you able to find out where the BH works?

I hope that you decide to let her school principal know what she is up to with former students. No school needs a sexual predator as a teacher of past students, especially ones that were victims of abuse.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, April 4th (Thursday)

But please, send it registered /certified. So that only he can receive it and only he can open it.

I did this and OW still intercepted it somehow. I think the postmen must not be too diligent about who they have sign for it. Mine was supposed to include proof of identity by drivers license and she still got it.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, April 4th (Thursday)

I hurt so bad I just want to die.
I broke down this morning during my baby's well baby check up. The doctor took me to a social worker. I got tested for std's while I was there. Later went to the legal office...not a lawyer but a paralegal...that's what was readily available to me as a military spouse.

When I got home, WS was home. I feel like I'm letting you all down because I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

He asked how baby's appt went. I told him baby is perfectly healthy, it's baby's mom WH should be worried about. He said he hopes baby's mom feels better. I said if he wants me to feel better he could help by being honest with me. Maintaining his innocence, he said he didn't know what I was talking about. I said he's been unfaithful. He denies it. I told him I have proof. He asked what proof? I refused to tell him.We got angry, frustrated...I got emotional. He said he knows he has to be careful what he says to me because I could ruin his career. That's true I could report him to his 1st Lt and his Commanding Officer for violating code of conduct. But that's not what I want to do. I told him that. Why would I jeopardize the career that's going to help take care of out son?


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, April 4th (Thursday)

Typo in above entry. Should be our son.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, April 5th (Friday)

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe H is not WS.

After talking to him tonight, I'm starting to doubt myself. He stayed calm, cool & collected for the most part. He kept saying he didn't do anything. He kept referring to the proof I think I have. He asked me if I believe everything I read. I don't know if I should even be on this site. I feel like he is reading this.

I broke down big time. Crying my eyes out. I told him even though I'm mad at him I need a hug. He gave me a wonderful hug. I didn't want to let go.

A little later I was crying and feeling so much pain I had to go to another room. It hurt so bad I wanted to die.

He brought the baby to me and said he was going to bed. I burst into tears again and told him I don't want to lose him but I don't want to share him either. He said in a firm but loving voice "why don't you just admit you looked in my phone!" I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. He said he knows I saw something in his phone and that I think it was between him and someone else. I didn't say anything. He said I should come clean...that's what I said to him earlier.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, April 5th (Friday)

Why would he be worried about his career if he did nothing wrong? How could he know I looked in his phone? The texts were disgustingly sexually inappropriate but what if I'm missing something?

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, April 5th (Friday)

Honey, you know that old saying..the best defense is a good offense? I do, and it appears that your WH does also.

The gas-lighting and deflecting has begun.

He said he knows I saw something in his phone and that I think it was between him and someone else.

But I'll bet he didn't *expand* on this at all, did he? He's manipulating you and trying to push you to reveal what you saw. Zip.Your.Lips.

"why don't you just admit you looked in my phone!"
He said I should come clean

And now he's trying to make you feel like a kid that got caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

Keep your cool, D.
He's twisting this shit up and putting you on the defensive. Just hang tight and say nothing for now.

I burst into tears again and told him I don't want to lose him but I don't want to share him either. He said in a firm but loving voice "why don't you just admit you looked in my phone!"

You burst into tears and are clearly needing comfort....and he just wants to talk about his phone. WRONG answer. You KNOW what you saw. You have PROOF of what you saw (right?). Don't let him *twisty-talk* you right now.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:51 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, April 5th (Friday)

Yes I have proof of what I saw. Word for word.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, April 5th (Friday)

A loving husband would bring you the phone and open his email account and show you how much he loves you and only you.

He's been spending the time since you told him to ask OW what was wrong to figure out how to spin this.

Do you think the Dr. would have gotten things rolling so fast if s/he thought you were a crazy new mommy making things up?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, April 5th (Friday)

D, you are a very sharp cookie.
He said he knows he has to be careful what he says to me because I could ruin his career.

^^^This, my dear, is going to be your leverage....but you'll have to be willing to play hard-ball in order for it to have any effect.

Man, that statement that he made sent shivers down my spine. It's very telling. He completely choked the goat without even realizing it.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, April 5th (Friday)

I am so sorry you are here.

So the f what of you looked at his phone? What, is he 15 and concerned that mommy saw the porn? No dammit, you're married. "and two shall become one". Not a question, but a statement. Privacy is closing the bathroom door, everything else is an open book. At least in a healthy relationship.

Don't doubt yourself. This is gaslighting at it's finest.

His career over the marriage? Got some thinking to do. You said you were worried about the income? Would you rather share him or expose him? He put you here, facing the consequences can be painful.

Truth or dare. Would he rather tell you the truth, or dare you to tell his CO? UCMJ is pretty blatant about this subject.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2992 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Safeguard
Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, April 5th (Friday)

Hi Disappointed,
I am new here myself. (Sorry we both need to be here!). There would be no way to "ruin his career", if he has done nothing that might cause that.

I too, got chills reading that and also his cold, calculating treatment of you. His wife is falling apart in front of his face, with a new babe to care for, and all he can think of is HIMSELF? OMG!

Do not let him make you doubt yourself. (notice he is the only person trying to do that?). Your Dr certainly took your claims seriously, and the knowledgeable people on this support forum believe you too.

I wish I could give you a huge, real life hug I am so sorry you are not getting, the comfort and love, you so need from your H!

He sounds so cold it's unreal, how he's playing these cruel mind games, when you are so fragile.

Please try to take good care of you and baby. Be extra kind to yourself. You are smart. Don't let him gaslight you, into making you feel bad/confused, about any of this.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 2:12 AM, April 5th (Friday)]


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, April 5th (Friday)


Truth or dare. Would he rather tell you the truth, or dare you to tell his CO? UCMJ is pretty blatant about this subject.

This is what you use. Tell him that if he doesn't come clean, the authorities will hear about it because you will leave no stone unturned until you know all of the truth. It's just as important to be calm, cool, and collected when you say this to him. If he sees you waver in your stance on this or emotionally upset, he will use that to try to gaslight you further. Someone who is upset can be more easily confused. Someone with a cool head and firm voice means business. Remember that at this point, he doesn't care about making you feel better; he cares about what he can fool you into thinking.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, April 5th (Friday)

Sending you a pm

Posts: 6646 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, April 5th (Friday)

disappointed - read through your thread again. I know it is shocking, horrific and incredibly disappointing, but the reason we can predict his actions is because it is so frigg'n common of a WS to do what he is doing. And unfortunately we know this by experience.

We all know the pain, wish somehow we could take it away. I know it is not very comforting to know he is just another WS reading from the WS handbook - but there you have it. This is who he is choosing to be. He is choosing control over your M. ((disappointed))

We can advise but only you can decide what to do now.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4133 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
whensitover
Member
Member # 31207
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, April 5th (Friday)

Look we would ALL rather it be a big mistake, something that you jumped to conclusions on. Everybody here would love it if we could have been wrong and nothing had happened. That would be the best, best relief ever!! None of us would have to experience this hurt like we have had to. But you know, YOU KNOW what you saw. There is NO mistaking that. Do not let your mind play tricks on your heart. Do not let your desperate emotions betray you and talk you into believing his lies. You know he cannot be trusted. GO WITH WHAT YOU KNOW. Pull yourself together and do not let him off the hook. Those messages were real. I am like the others, if he had NOTHING to hide, if he had done NOTHING, then he would NOT be worried about you ruining his career. He sure wasn't about worried about ruining his marriage.

Posts: 452 | Registered: Feb 2011
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, April 5th (Friday)

Yes I have proof of what I saw. Word for word.

THIS^^^
Says it all.

D, you did not let us down. Its okay. It is the worst feeling in the world to be betrayed by the one you love.

Everybody here would love it if we could have been wrong and nothing had happened. That would be the best, best relief ever!! None of us would have to experience this hurt like we have had to. But you know, YOU KNOW what you saw. There is NO mistaking that.

OMG! I would love it if I was wrong about Mr. Happy's nasty trysts, if they were not real!!! But when I saw a post coital picture that he took of himself on top of her, in her bed ...I thought my head was going to explode!

What you saw was real. YOU are not crazy.

And yes he is probably conferring with the skank-0-saurus, getting their story straight.

He said he knows he has to be careful what he says to me because I could ruin his career.

^^^This, my dear, is going to be your leverage....but you'll have to be willing to play hard-ball in order for it to have any effect.

Gonnabe is right. Timing is everything. Keep your cool and let the school know. That will start the ball rolling...Shedding light on their foul dealings will take the fun and excitement out of it.

He won't be able to gaslight you then just saying...


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, April 6th (Saturday)

Had a few drinks tonight and he invited me up to his room. Had the best sex we've had in a year. I was tempted to whisper as I left the room-can she make you feel that good? But I didn't. Also thinking about sending her a fb msg letting her know how good I made her favorite student feel and if she doesn't stop contacting him her husband will find out everything.

Still a little tipsy, but that's what's on my mind.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 3:22 AM, April 6th (Saturday)

So sorry you are going through this. It's a tough time, so try your best to take care of yourself. You will get through this, one breath at a time.

I could ruin my lying cheating husband's career, so easy. But my lawyers have told me that I have a vested financial interest in him making lots of money. Would trade the money in for some pay backs anytime!!!

Post here, read the library and other posts. This is the only place that I can go where I don't feel crazy and that there are other people that understand where I am coming from. No judgement, just a safe place to share feelings, ask questions and get support


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 479 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 4:07 AM, April 6th (Saturday)

Wow.

Okay, I know you love him very very much. I am not going to belittle that in anyway. But...

He is being an awful person
Extremely manipulative

Is it possible for you to go away for a few days?

Can you install a key logger on his computer?

Also a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car?

Finally if he has an iPhone and you have an ipad and she is a iPhone user too. You can get copies of all messages.

Honestly he is being awful, stealth mode is called for. If you haven't, don't admit to the phone.

He is trying to make you
1) feel crazy
2) feel awful
3) turn this whole thing into you.

Be strong.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, April 6th (Saturday)

What is a key logger and where do I find it and a VAR?

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, April 6th (Saturday)

Answer in a PM


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, April 6th (Saturday)

Is it a bad idea to contact OW with a threat to out her to her BH? Been trying to reach him by phone but no luck yet.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, April 6th (Saturday)

Is it a bad idea to contact OW with a threat to out her to her BH?

Yes. Don't threaten her. Just DO IT.

If you give a 'heads up' she will have a chance to figure out a 'go around'.

You don't know their (Skank-0 and her BH) relationship. She may have already started gaslight him. You will be made out to be the crazy pathetic wife of some poor creature she helped long ago!

I do not wish to be didactic but you must be stealthy and JUST DO IT. And don't let your WH know what your doing.

The element of surprise will have a much better effect than giving a warning.

You may not be from the 'street' but warning anyone before doing anything will get you popped in the mouth.

The best defense is and aggressive offense.

Strike first and make it sharp and strong. Hit her on both fronts. BH and her work place.

Hit her hard and make it count.

I know that you are having second thought after your loving encounter with your WH...And your fear of financial insecurity...But do you really want to live in limbo and rugsweep the rest of your life with him?

Gently~
Only you can decide what your are willing to put up with for your life. Transparency, Honesty, and Respect are what we all strive for in loving relationships. Please don't settle for anything less. You are worth so much more.

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 2:54 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

Don't ever let him make you think what you saw was something else when you come clean. It is what it is. When you go on the comp, delete your browser history. Odds are he knows you are on this site if he knows his way around a computer. If she is on FB, can you gather more info on there about her husband? Maybe contact him through there. Sounds like your H is more worried about his job. Don't let him guilt you into not taking action. Contact whoever you need to. I let my husband guilt me into not contacting the OW's boyfriend and her (his fear of his job and hurting her). Now, I regret not confronting her and her boyfriend sooner after my WH confessed. You never mentioned any computer use. Is there contact between them on FB or myspace? Is there e-mail on yahoo or google? Do you have access to the phone records? I did and copied it for myself how long they texted. When I caught my WH, he notified the OW and I read a message about her being concerned I was going to ruin her life and act crazy. I did nothing out of fear of being the "crazy wife", but truth is-we are entitled to be after their betrayal.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

We have one family computer in our home. It's in the guestroom where WH sleeps. I've been using my smartphone for all my SI posts. I did use our pc to print out my pics of his texts so they are saved on the pc but also downloaded in my documents so they are also saved on the hard drive. Each of the computer users in our home has a separate login and mine is password protected. He is pretty tech savvy so I guess he could figure out how to look in my stuff if he wanted.

Here's the thing...

Yesterday I was exhausted emotionally and didn't make an effort to get him to admit his PA. However, I guess the tension was getting to him and he gave me a typed letter he pulled out of his uniform pocket. He typed it at work on Thursday. I wish there was a way to scan it and post it here but I'll try to tell you what it said as accurately as I can.

From WS to me (BS):

"I'm writing this letter in advance for you to read. I'm hoping you'll just admit you went into my phone but if you don't, I'm not going to wait longer because it is destroying our marriage. Every text you read that said OW was forwarded to my phone from her husband's phone. For the last 5 months, OW has been telling me (WH) stories of her husband cheating on her. He (OW BH) is always texting on his phone but deletes them immediately. I (WH) told her of spyware that if she can install it on her phone will send her everything. She (OW) found a program called mobistealth but was scared to have his (OW BS) texts sent to her phone with him sometimes being in the same room because she worried he'd notice she got a text every time he sent or received one. Since everyone in our small hometown knows either her (OW) or her husband, she didn't trust anyone to keep her business a secret as she gathered evidence for whatever she plans to do. I (WH) gave her my word I wouldn't tell anyone. She is close friends with ---- and when I told her that ---- is friends with your parents, she was worried that your parents might find out so I chose not to tell you so you didn't accidentally tell your mom and your mom didn't accidentally tell ---- or someone else. It wasn't so much that I didn't trust you but rather that I gave my word to a friend not to tell anyone. I was wrong because you obviously saw the texts and believe that they are between me (WH) and her (OW). I'm sorry that this may have destroyed our marriage and made you not trust me. After I got the texts I forwarded each one to her a little while after I received them. I haven't told anyone what's going on between you and me (WH & me/BS) but I did call OW and told her you must've found the texts and think I'm having an affair. I (WH) told her I can't receive the forwarded texts anymore and that I (WH) will have to tell you (BS/me) everything. If you want to call her, of course you can but do it during the work day. Her husband is extremely physically abusive. I am so sorry that I have caused you pain and it's not worth it to keep this secret from you. I love you, always have. And will do what you want to make this debacle work."

So there it is. There might be bits of truth scattered throughout the letter but now I'm more convinced than ever that he cheated. I saw his texts. There were personal references to each of them that were identifiable. The texts were between WH and OW.

After I read the letter I didn't argue or push the fact I know he's lying. He agreed to go to counseling. I won't be comfortable confronting him without a third party present because he will just lie and we will get nowhere.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

Forgot to mention in above post. I told WH that I never want him to see or speak to or have any contact whatsoever with OW again. He said okay. Agreed that fast. For a man who's not even admitting he's a WH, he sure did agree easily to my demands.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

His story is bullshit. he is trying to convince you of this because...remember...

" He said he knows he has to be careful what he says to me because I could ruin his career. "


If he isnt having an affair..why would he have to be careful about what he says to you..his wife??

Oh,and the abusive husband is a lie on the part of the OW..she tells this shit to the OM so he can be a KISA...or it's a lie concocted so you wont tell her BH.

He is lying to you.

And...let's entertain for one minute that this lie is the truth...he is having an EA with this woman..he is keeping secrets for her..lying to his wife for her,etc.

I wouldn't believe he is going to go NC with this woman. And you shouldn't either. He's lying on top of lying.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7687 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

Like I said in the other post, he is lying IMO.

Don't listen to his soothing words and lines of bullshit...he thinks he can make this go away. Don't believe him, trust yourself.

(((hugs)))

ETA: And he agreed to your demands because he is a liar, he thinks he can pull ass this under-ground. Coward....

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:01 AM, April 7th (Sunday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

If he was so keen on helping OW, he could have kept you in the loop as well. What's the point in hiding it from you.
Doesn't make sense.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

Not only do I not believe a single word of his story - I think the whole thing pretty much shows that his response is more geared towards saving his CAREER if you should show anyone what you saw.

That's why he agreed to NC so quickly. He is scared because you have *PROOF* of his affair and *HE KNOWS IT*


It proves that he has been in contact with her and rather than remorse, they have joined forces to gaslight you - even arranging the time for you to call. She is prepared to carry on lying to your face too.


The quickest way to blow this up is to tell OW's husband.


You could confront him with copies of the *PERSONALISED* text's you have in MC, and tell him that without an *admission* from him, you will be forwarding all copies onto the OW's H and his command.


I know I sound harsh - but this man has proved he is NOT going to confess willingly and also shown the lengths he will go to, to gaslight you.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 10:21 AM, April 7th (Sunday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1882 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

I'm glad you saw the lie for what it was. We predicted he was using that time to try and think of an excuse...and he did. He's trying to put you on the defensive. Just admit you looked at his phone indeed.

What most WSs don't get is how an innocent person would respond...because they're not innocent. An innocent would want to bend over backwards immediately to prove they love you and are faithful to you. Would they initially be shocked and maybe angry? Possibly. But innocent people are usually eager to prove their innocence.

He's been doing nothing but distancing himself from you. Going on attack. Making excuses. He can't trust his own wife with the secrets of an abused woman? Are you normally a heartless gossip, willing to put the life of poor, beaten former teacher's life at risk?

Please.

If he's cheating and abuses her, then how come the woman who helped HIM escape an abusive situation years ago hasn't learned how to use Google and find a women's shelter? The friend you guys met with- she can't be more trusted than a MM many MANY years her junior she only recently reunited with.

I can walk in a cow field and step in less crap than was in his letter.

Finally, I know HB (hysterical bonding) is quite the driving force. Keep in mind that you can get STDs from your WH. Also, giving yourself to him while he is cheating is paying just a little bit of your soul for nothing in return. I did this after d-day also and found the A didn't end, even when my H left for Iraq, he still kept in contact with xow2. I ended up feeling so foolish and used. It has been a BIG hurdle to overcome. When you're tempted, think about how you're giving yourself to a man who won't even give you honesty. Who can look at you holding his baby and still have a heart of stone.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

just a thought on sharing info with the other spouse. How about good old mail.
I'm only a couple of pages in, so if you've already told the OBS, I'm sorry for the repetition.

This is what I did. I found the OBS's work address, and sent my letter (marked personal and confidential) to that address so his wife could not intercept it.

I sent a short letter explaining why I was getting in contact (so he had the info to make informed decisions about his life, so he could be tested for STDs), apologizing for being the messenger, and supplying the details and evidence I had.

He did receive it; OW knew I was going to tell him because my husband never went NC with her. She was looking for it, to intercept. If I had sent it to their home, he never would have known.

As it turns out, they didn't end their affair, anyway---many, many months later, when I learned this, I simply forwarded emails to the other BS to let him know it was ongoing.

It's really important that he know what's going on so that he can make well-informed decisions about his life and health.

ETA: His letter to you? It's 100 percent bullshit. He spent the days he was stonewalling thinking up this plot, very likely with OW's help. (You can be sure she knows this version, so that she can "verify" if confronted. This means your husband is now conspiring against you with OW---I mean, more than he was by having the affair in the first place. It's really bad when the BS becomes the common enemy of the WS and OP. Really bad. It helps cement them together even more strongly.)

So if you have not yet told her husband, now would be a really good time--tell him, with strength of conviction. Because you KNOW what the truth is, even if you wish it were not. Include all the evidence you have, include your husband's latest missive--so that he can be prepared for the gaslighting he's about to receive.

You say that maybe there is truth scattered in your husband's story. Of course there is. Good liars are good because they do insert just enough truth to make their outrageous lies credible to the people who love them and very much WANT to believe them.

But on top of the lies, his tone is just absolutely horrendous. He's accusatory, and that actually makes me worry for you a little bit. A man so cold is able to inflict a great deal of harm to protect himself. I'm not referring just to physical harm; my husband never hurt me physically (well, except by STD). He decimated me emotionally. Your husband sounds an awful lot like him, with his accusations, and "just admit its." You have NOTHING to admit to him; you checked his phone because your gut told you to---and it did so for damn good reason.

Don't let your husband's lies and games---the blameshifting and gaslighting---have the effect he desires.

YOU KNOW THE TRUTH.

You know he's lying.

Make your decisions confident of this.

That doesn't mean you have to leave immediately. It does mean you have to think about whether, if he's going to maintain this ludicrous stance and the defensive attitude, you wish to remain in the marriage.

In your shoes, I'd simply reiterate, "I read your letter. We both know you're lying. I expect honesty and fidelity from my partner---and if you're not willing to be honest and to commit to the VERY hard work necessary to repair the damage your infidelity and lies have caused, I will have to evaluate my willingness to remain in our marriage."

And then, I'd pull a HARD 180. And I'd start getting my ducks in a row.

You've shown you're able to do this--but I know how very strong the pull is to believe, to restore the status quo. Please--don't fall victim to this. It's far more comfortable, I know, NOT to rock the boat. But it's much, much more damaging.

Take it from a woman who did it more than once: it just gets worse if you don't deal with it fully, head-on, right out of the gate.

Millions of hugs to you. I am SO sorry you're going through this.

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:39 AM, April 7th (Sunday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8844 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

Of all the cocka-mamie stories!

Boy OH BOY! He has really taken a few pages from the cheaters handbook!

I am so glad that you are on this site. Since you have been reading here you know that his cheating little brain is working on overdrive to make such a convoluted story try to sound plausible...Do WS's thing we BS's just fell off the turnip truck?? That we are so desperate for relief from this horrible breech in our lives that we will believe wild story they can think of!

Lets see:

Every text you read that said OW was forwarded to my phone from her husband's phone. For the last 5 months, OW has been telling me (WH) stories of her husband cheating on her...Her husband is extremely physically abusive.

A) OW, his 'friend' is in a crappy marriage with a VIOLENT, CHEATING HUSBAND. He is just being helpful...RIGHT!

I (WH) told her of spyware that if she can install it on her phone will send her everything. She (OW) found a program called mobistealth but was scared to have his (OW BS) texts sent to her phone with him sometimes being in the same room because she worried he'd notice she got a text every time he sent or received one.

B) He is telling on himself, Mobistelth?!? And if she was so worried about him know there were simultaneous texts, why didn't he tell her to put her phone on silent and keep it in her purse??

...she didn't trust anyone to keep her business a secret...

Thanks loads! So she turns to a trusted former student for help instead of going to her pastor or a councilor for her marital troubles...SO he willingly becomes her KISA (knight in shining armor)

She is close friends with ---- and when I told her that ---- is friends with your parents, she was worried that your parents might find out so I chose not to tell you so you didn't accidentally tell your mom and your mom didn't accidentally tell ---- or someone else.

Instead of telling you, his best friend and wife he chose to protect, console and keep secrets with Skank-0...He didn't want you to know because you might tell your Mom and blah, blah, blah...what a stretch!

...but I did call OW and told her you must've found the texts and think I'm having an affair...I (WH) told her I can't receive the forwarded texts anymore and that I (WH) will have to tell you (BS/me) everything. If you want to call her, of course you can but do it during the work day.

I told you they were going to start 'getting their story straight'! And - 'you can call her during the work day means-DON'T CALL HER AT HOME- in cheater speak.

The texts were between WH and OW.
And you know it!

I am glad that you insisted on NC between your WH and Skank-0-saurus. Just remember...

Cheaters. Cheat and Liars. Lie.

THIS^^^

UUGGGH!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, April 7th (Sunday)


The quickest way to blow this up is to tell OW's husband.

This^^^110%

And everything that Solus Sto said, she is right on the money.

Tell him that you know he is lying and if he continues to blameshift and gaslight... 180 his ass!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

Wow!!!!

I'm going to add my voice to the chorus advising you to notify the OW's BH and pull a hard 180. Your WH is absolutely gaslighting you and trying to manipulate you - most likely with the help of his OW. I'm mad FOR you.

Take care of yourself and that sweet baby.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

I am so sorry you are having such a terrible time. If I had a dollar for everytime I heard or read that the AP betrayed spouse was abusive or the AP was "suicidal" we could go on a great vacation!

He knows you have looked on his phone, because he knows what was on it. He is trying to cover his butt...but if the messages you have contradict that story, you have him red-handed. The question is....are you ready to do this again? Or is it time to call it quits. Fortunately, you do not have to decide for now. He is worried about his career because he has screwed up....he knows it. It is not a friend helping out a friend. Trust your gut and know we are here to help support you!


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

I hope he said the OW's name in the actual email. That will be great ammunition for you to take to the other BS.

Now do you understand the power of going dark? (quiet) Can you imagine how those two have been freaking out? And then THIS is what they come up with.

You can call her. her husband is abusive. So nice of your husband to be HER knight in shining armor. DO NOT CALL HER.

Keep trying to get ahold of the other BS. Do you know anyone who works at that place or near that place we found he works? Keep trying, keep calling.

Do NOT admit to anything to your WS. And as much as you want this to work, please don't have sex with him right now. You are exposing yourself to possible STD's


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

Here's my plan:
After WH leaves for work and the 2 older kids for school tomorrow morning, I'm driving the 4 hours to OW BH job. I will tell him there and I will be home before anyone knows I left.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
scared&stronger
Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

You are being gas lighted to the maximum.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3975 | Registered: Aug 2007
inknots
Member
Member # 22132
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

He is a liar. That has to be one of the worst gaslighting examples I have seen on here in almost 4 years. I am so sorry. Do not hint to him or to OW that you are going to tell her BS.

I can't believe how often the WS and OW trot out the abusive husband story. Because, we all know the best way to deal with an extremely abusive husband is to give them something they can REALLY get mad about. They are all way too afraid to leave that abusive husband but they will run every risk to sneak around and have an affair...yeah, that makes sense.

Good luck tomorrow. I am so sorry.

[This message edited by inknots at 3:13 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]


Posts: 911 | Registered: Dec 2008
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

Here's a thought (and I don't believe his bullshit story for a second) - IF those texts were actually "forwarded" from her husband's phone because he is supposedly cheating on her, then his number should be visable, right? Call him then. Do it from a payphone(if they still have those in your area) and see who answers. You might not have to make that drive.

As for his "career", whatever happens happens. You didn't run it or your marriage into the ditch - HE DID and he can damn well live with the consequences.

eta: I say that as a former military wife and at the time I didn't give a damn if he got busted back down to private and was left with nothing but his boxers and his combat boots. Either way it was HIS choice, not mine.

[This message edited by Chicky at 3:22 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]


There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

Good luck for tomorrow - take copies of those e-mails and the 'explanation' letter if you can.


You'll be in my thoughts. ((disappointed))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1882 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

Good luck for tomorrow - take copies of those e-mails and the 'explanation' letter if you can.

My thought exactly. Take both. I think the explanation letter will be a very good thing to have as well.


Divorced and beginning my new life.


2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
Luvlyla
Member
Member # 38692
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

Wow, You have a pure gaslighter on your hands,. and I'm so glad you see it.

keep trusting your gut.

A few things to be wary of perhaps IMHO:

1. he already took time to concoct a story with OW, therefore OW has had time to concoct a story with OBS (her hubby) AND your WH has time to concoct a bullsh*t story to his bosses.

2. expect to be made out to be a paranoid crazy post natal woman - so whatever you do, ***DO NOT ACT LIKE THIS***

3. You've done so well being strong and calm in your encounters with WH - way more than most BS's, so don't loose it now, and don't threaten your husbands career, or OW's career. Be as sweet as pie but firm as hell. float like a butterfly but sting like a bee.

4. If the messages were being sent directly from OBS's phone, wouldnt they come up under his number? surely if you ring the mobile number they came under and it goes to her phone, you know this BS.
and have the proof of this (which i predict you might need) you need to get hold of the number the texts came from to verify or falsify his story for your own sanity and reputation, much less in court if it ends up there.

5. you may also want to tell OBS that they believe him to be a serious abuser to OW, so at least you have an ally. thankfully idiot WH put his allegations of OBS in writing. KEEP THAT, so he cant deny he wrote it.

also - did he email it to you? or save it in the computer with his own name as author? You dont want him to backtrack and say you wrote it yourself, which i wouldn't put past this guy.
so you need to get him to sign it or something to prove that he wrote those words, which is in fact slanderous of OBS if they turn out to be untrue. This could be a helpful thing to keep in your back pocket.

6. consider an exploratory probe any of the army counselling services, or local police / women's shelters to see if this man is a danger - particularly if you are going to drive down confront him with evidence with a baby in tow. They wont give you outright info, but you could perhaps say that you have to tell him bad news and you have been told this but are unsure whether its true - and just ask in their opinion are you putting yourself / baby in danger if you confront him with the terrible news.

((((hugs))))

your strength so far is an inspiration. keep it up, and you can always vent and meltdown here.
but in front of WH and his colleagues- float like a butterfly, and gather everything you can in written form - every piece of information.

ps: i would nearly consider playing along with the lie until you gather more evidence. Perhaps an email to OW saying how you wont let out her secret and if he is abusive she is welcome to shelter at your house. await a reply confirming the bullshit story, then BANK IT. make sure you use the words "I know that you know WH has told me..."

if she doesn't deny telling WH this in the reply its evidence that WH most likely did write the slanderous letter.

sounds like these two might be willing to dig their own graves together, so you should take advantage of that while you have the amazing strength you seem to already. and it'll slow down the game a bit for you so you can gather strength.



When he's your Romeo,
and you're not his Juliet,
it means you are Rosaline
- and you survive the play.

Posts: 202 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

If those messages were forwarded it would say it. If it is a small town, try to dig up some information from someone else in that area. Check to see if there are rumors that she is in an abusive relationship. IMO the whole thing is a lie. LEAVE HIM. If he is going to this length to hide it from you. He is not remorseful and no longer loves you. In this case, I think he truly loves the OW. Most of the A I have read don't have such cold and calculating WS. Can't you get to the computer when he is at work? Take a look in the history on the right hand side under the star and find out what he has been doing. Most of all-STAY SAFE.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
krisdev
New Member
Member # 22090
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

OMG, the letter that he gave you is similar to what my ex said to me. He made out that he and the MOW he was cheating with was dealing with things in her marriage and needed a "mans" perspective on things, in addition to telling me that her husband was physically abusive as well. The funny part is when I called her and asked her about it she was shocked that he told me that her husband was physically abusive and made it very clear that he wasn't. She did back the whole, I need to get a man's perspective on things UNTIL I found proof of the affair. The funny thing is when I confronted him about his lie about her husband being abusive and her saying that he lied to me he was shocked as shit. lmbo. I'm sorry you're going through this but he's lying through his teeth, he's cheating on you with her and this thread takes me back to when my ex was cheating on me because I trusted him SO much. GL on your trip tomorrow.


He taught me so much, self worth.

Posts: 50 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: krisdev
whatlysbeneath
Member
Member # 32665
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, April 8th (Monday)

D3,

I just read all 5 pages...wow!

Your plan is to "drive 4 hours" today to visit the other BS and return home before the older children return from school and your WS returns from work?

If the other BS is 4 hours away that's 8 hours of travel with an infant, not counting the time required to actually talk to the other BS. Did I miss something? Is it a 4 hour round trip?

One of the most dificult aspects of "fighting infidelity fire with fire" is be very careful not to compromise your integrity in the process.

As BSs we sometimes have to keep secrets from the one person in the world we should never have to keep secrets from, know what I mean?

As an honest spouse what you are doing now, not disclosing sources,contacting other BS etc, feels very unnatural.

However, telling the the other BS is the absolute RIGHT thing to do!!

You are incredibly strong. You mentioned speaking with a pastor so you must be a person of faith. I am a person of faith as well and faith, along with SI have been the two main sources of strength thru this nightmare.

You will be okay, your child will be okay. Your WS will only be okay if he chooses to be.

Sending you thoughts and prayers.

[This message edited by whatlysbeneath at 3:53 AM, April 8th (Monday)]


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together 18 years
M 17
D day 2010
4 young children
Every secret in a marriage is a lie...I'm tired of being lied too.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Mayberry to Hell to Limboville
disappointed3
New Member
Member # 38877
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, April 8th (Monday)

Whatlysbeneath...
It is 4 hours one way. I won't be home before everyone else gets home but I will be home before I have dinner ready at 6. My older kids are 18 & 11 and pretty independent. They keep busy with homework, friends and other stuff. What I meant was they'll never know I left town. When I get home at 5 or so they'll think I was just out running errands.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nevada
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 8th (Monday)

Hey D, I am glad that you are taking some action. Your head must be ready to pop from all of this stealthy sh*t!

You are doing the right thing for your marriage and your family.

Blow this creepy fantasy out of the water!

Godspeed my dear.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, April 8th (Monday)

Thinking of you today. Good luck.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, April 8th (Monday)

Hope today went well. Sending good vibes your way.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Betrayed67
Member
Member # 38134
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, April 8th (Monday)

Hope everything goes well. Take care.


Me-BW 46 yo;Him - WH 53 yo
Married 13years
One daughter together 9yo, 2 stepchildren(His from previous marriage)
Various DDdays (see my profile)
ONS and multiple "friendships" with women in various online dating sites

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Zealand
openedupmyeyes
Member
Member # 27871
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, April 8th (Monday)

{{{{D3}}}}} I'm sending positive mojo. I hope you found ow's BS , gave him proof and made it home in time. Strength to you. Keep posting. There is support here.


Me:53 BS
Him:53 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:35
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 765 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)

How are you today? Thinking of you.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
pewpewpew
Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)

Thinking of you...


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
MCGar
New Member
Member # 20928
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)

I've been thinking about this situation.
First I am a little worried just because the OP did drive 4 away with no one knowing where she was going into an unknown situation. I do hope the D3 does update just so we know she's ok.

Next, I just wanted to advise D3 to keep your cards close to your vest. Get your ducks in a row and be careful. Your husband's actions of being first silent then condescending and then expecting you to swallow this insane coverup story in order to retain his career does not bode well for dealing with him. He looks very desperate while insistent on being in charge. Just be careful with how you handle him. He looks like he wants to be very sneaky with you.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2008
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)

I don't usually get worried...but in this situation I'm starting to worry.

Praying for you disappointed that your WH hasn't let his anger rule him.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)

We are hoping to hear from you soon. Hope you are okay. Everyone is following your situation and is anxious about that meeting. Stay safe.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

OMG. Where is she???


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
confused82402
Member
Member # 34616
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

OMG. Where is she???

I'm wondering the same thing! I just read this thread for the first time yesterday and have been waiting for an update....I'm feeling worried about her


Me- BW
Him - WH
Dday - 1/16/2012

~Honey, don't try to make sense out of nonsense...you'll drive yourself crazy in the process ~ my momma :-)


Posts: 507 | Registered: Jan 2012
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Me too.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
bunkerette
Member
Member # 13544
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

I read this too and hope everything is alright....

Posts: 82 | Registered: Feb 2007
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

Really worried now! I am praying you are okay.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

Really worried now! I am praying you are okay.

Me too.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1882 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

Really worried now! I am praying you are okay.

Me three!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
still2suspicious
Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

Really worried now! I am praying you are okay

count me four!!

Praying for you D3.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
JanetS
Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

I pm'd yesterday and it's not been picked up yet :(

Posts: 2592 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
openedupmyeyes
Member
Member # 27871
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

Hope all is well.


Me:53 BS
Him:53 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:35
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 765 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

I too am worried... I hope she's ok.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
pewpewpew
Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

Still no word?!

In hoping you are ok! Please update us ASAP.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, April 12th (Friday)

I've been checking 2x per day for an update from disappointed..... surely hope she will update us ASAP. Not hearing any more is worrisome, to say the least.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, April 12th (Friday)

I hope you are doing the best you can. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please let us know you are okay.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1201 | Registered: Apr 2013
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, April 12th (Friday)

Perhaps she is just in the process of moving out and going to live with her parents. I sure hope so. I hope that is it and not that she no longer has access to the computer.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 3:26 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

disappointed3 has requested that this thread be locked for now.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37397 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 128