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Just Found Out
User Topic: What did you wish you should have done when you jfo?
pendant
Member
Member # 32890
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I simply hate that there are so many in raw pain at this time. So I want to propose that we help newbies to the forum, in the hope that they have a crutch/help/reason to smile.Add any advice to help on the slow weekends...
1. I wish that I knew what TT was-- and not believe both when they said that they were "just friends"
2. I wish I knew that when he said it only "happened twice" it was code for "we did it more than twice a week"
3. I wish I installed a key logger and changed the password
4. I wish I knew that the phone bill should be checked regularly


"Once forgiving begins, dreams can be rebuilt. When forgiving is complete, meaning has been extracted from the worst of experiences and used to create a new set of moral rules and a new interpretation of life's events."

Posts: 423 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: North Carolina
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish I had found SI early on.

I wish I had trusted my gut.When you think they are full of shit....they are.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaďs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish that I had insisted that he get IC before we went to MC.

I wish that I had not "required" him to go to IC.

Maybe if I had given him the opportunity to choose what he wanted rather than force my will, he might have chosen differently.

I wish I would have listened to my gut and not ignored any of the red flags.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
daledge
Member
Member # 38886
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish I had trusted my instincts instead of him!

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013
stillcrying4ever
Member
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

The biggest thing is I wish I have found SI sooner also and next I wish I wouldn' t have believed him when he said it was over. It took 7 more months before there was NC.


D Day May 27, 2012



Posts: 186 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
daledge
Member
Member # 38886
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

If you don't know where you stand with someone, maybe it's time to stop standing and start walking!

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish I would have had more patience with myself and realize I needed to give myself the precious gift of time to heal.

Early after d-day, my world felt like it was falling part. Everything seemed so frantic; I was constantly in a state of panic. I believed I had to immediately fix everything at once. In hindsight, I now see things didn't have to be that way. I was my own worst enemy by creating my own anxiety and stress.

When it comes to healing from infidelity, patience is your friend and anger is poison.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5643 | Registered: Aug 2007
roughroadahead
Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish I would have left immediately and filed for divorce.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 737 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish I had asked him to leave. Immediately. The first time boundaries were crossed.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8674 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish I had understood at the time that its about power and the BS who is mentally strong enough to make critical, if unpleasant decisions, will probably dictate the outcome of this crisis.

Being weepy, needy and desperate hands control to the WS, which tends not to be good for the devastated BS.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish I had not wanted to try and reconcile in the first few days of JFO. I realise now it was driven by ego at not losing such a "prize" .

It just gave him huge ego kibbles.

I also somewhat wish I didnt take the high road and act with such decency during the breakup. I know ultimately it was the best course for me but part of me wishes I had just been a bitch.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 725 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Luvlyla
Member
Member # 38692
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

This is a great idea!

1. i wish i called out ALL the lies there and then - if it doesnt add up, HE'S NOT TELLING THE TRUTH.

2. I wish i had trusted my gut.

3. i wish i had been prepared to loose him. instead of clinging onto someone who was cheating. (he has since said if i had left him sooner he probably would have ended it sooner).

4. I wish i had the strength to know that its perfectly OK to lay out your boundaries and expect your partner to respect them - not negotiate with them.

5. when it was clear he wasn't going to respect my boundaries, I wish i had known what the 180 was and applied it two years ago, immediately. Here is the 180 for Newbies.

(http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11)



When he's your Romeo,
and you're not his Juliet,
it means you are Rosaline
- and you survive the play.

Posts: 202 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Luvlyla
Member
Member # 38692
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

Oh and i wish i had understood and believed that an Affair is more about the WS, his/her wants and needs - not the BS or even the OW.

The BS is NOT the failure here.
The OW is NOT the prize.
The WS is living in a fantasy world during an affair. and They are the ones who failed.

If i had known this i could have spared myself two years of comparing myself to OW and feeling inadequate.

It also would have stopped me taking any of the blame he tried to pile on me as an excuse.


When he's your Romeo,
and you're not his Juliet,
it means you are Rosaline
- and you survive the play.

Posts: 202 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish I wouldn't have tried to negotiate with him. I wish I would let go of the rope earlier. I wish I wouldn't have wasted time trying to fix me and instead focused on me and my healing.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4506 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
sparklingwater
Member
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

This is a great thread for us newbies, please keep posting.


Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
leakingheart85
Member
Member # 9710
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish I had ignored my genuine love for her. The love died anyway and I was stuck.
In short I wish I had thrown her out and divorced her. What she did was not something I could forgive. It took me years to find that out.

Posts: 463 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: Caribbean
mentalmess
Member
Member # 31296
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I should have gotten tested for STDs immediately instead of believing him about using protection. I didn't go in until a week after d day.


Me BS 50
Him WS 48
OW 57 Boiling bunnies non stop for months!
M 25 years
LTA 5 yr
R'ed, very happy and we are enjoying his early retirement!

Posts: 83 | Registered: Feb 2011
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish I had not been such a softie.
I did kick him out when I found out, but I let him come over every day, whenever he wanted, & see the kids. He even ate dinner with us most nights. He just wasn't sleeping here.
That was a big mistake.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 7:02 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1389 | Registered: Dec 2012
hobbeskat
Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish my first response hadn't ben calm forgiveness. A storm came aoon after.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish I looked on the internet for the word "Infidelity" - I kept looking up the word "betrayed" .....I would have found SI, and I would not been in the fog, denial, shock - that I was in for so long.

These good people would have helped me gather evidence, confront and end the Crazy Roller Coaster Ride!

Thank You SI


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 478 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish I had not confronted him right away when I found out I had an STD. I wish I had investigated instead. I would have found out a great deal as he was not really hiding yet.

I wish before I found out about the STD I would have trusted my instincts. I knew there were many things that didn't make sense. I always asked about them instead of investigating. He lied.

I wish I had relied on myself instead of him. I can trust me.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
still-living
Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish I would have trusted my gut.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish that I would have suppressed my emotions and gone into full-blown investigative mode. I'm not too shabby at researching-- I can only imagine what I could have been able to accomplish if I hadn't freaked out and immediately confronted him.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3596 | Registered: Oct 2011
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

Great thread!

I wish I tossed him out after I confronted him. In the beginning he looked remorseful. Maybe if I did that he would have seen things differently and tried to work on us. Instead, I was a pathetic, hysterical mess and now he's nasty. Now, all I want I want is a divorce.

I wish I had found SI earlier. Instead, I found it just I've a year after my first Dday.

Who knows if things would've been different.

I would like to offer all the new members big (((HUGS))) We are all here to help. You will get through this. I have faith in you.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish that I would have suppressed my emotions and gone into full-blown investigative mode. I'm not too shabby at researching-- I can only imagine what I could have been able to accomplish if I hadn't freaked out and immediately confronted him.

Yeah, this. I was naive, it's that simple. I trusted her too much, and the evidence I had was bad, but holy shit was it a lot worse than I thought initially. I should have kept cool and went full on investigative mode, packet sniffer, keylogger, var, hidden camera, everything. But I panicked and confronted too quick - gave her time to delete all the secret e-mail accounts and most of the evidence. I wish I hadn't trusted her.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3914 | Registered: Dec 2011
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

I wish I was a citizen of Saudi Arabia when I just found out.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

Honestly, I wish I had gotten a divorce right away. There's no rule you can't reconcile after a divorce. I doubt we would have ... I guess you live with doubt either way. If you divorce -- could we have made it work for the kids? If you don't -- would I have been better off?

It's just, forgiveness is a pretty tall order for your average human being. If it was such a huge deal for God, how can I manage it? I do what I can, but as the wise Lady Gaga and Beyonce said: "trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that M*f'ers reflection."


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

"What did you wish you should have done when you jfo?"

I should have packed his crap and told him to get out and immediately went NC!

However...if I did that, I might not know what kind of heartless narcissist I am dealing with. I guess I had to go through all of the in-your-face disgusting behavior to really understand that I was dealing with someone with ZERO empathy, remorse and no willingness to change.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
MammaMia
Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, April 6th (Saturday)

1) I wish I had found SI or some other site online right away.

2) I wish I had kicked her a$$ out of my house when she allegedly came over to surprise H for his birthday

3) I wish I had told her flat out that the party was over ( we DID have a party) and she needed to leave right there and then.

4) I wish I knew there was something called 180 and not have been too forgiving

5) I wish I had compiled a list of my boundaries for him to sign.

The second time he befriended a new lady, as soon as I saw the first eyebrow-raising line, I confronted, wrote up a list of boundaries, started doing the 180 and HE is the one now to do the work to win me back. Period.


And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

Posts: 865 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

I wish I had nipped it in the bud when I thought that it was merely an inappropriate friendship. I wish I had thrown him out and divorced him on D-Day #1.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7638 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

1) that I didn't beg for love. He had a choice- in the M or out. If he didn't want me, I didn't need him.

2) that I consulted a lawyer sooner. He had me so scared about custody.

3) I wish I had filed for D, maybe even D and made him earn his way back into M instead of living in limbo.

4) nothing I could've really done, but I wish I had one IRL friend I could've poured my heart out to. Just one person I knew I could call with my confusion and pain at any time.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11185 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

I am only four months out from Dday, so here is what I wish for -that I could stop feeling that it was somehow my fault and that she had something that I don't have. Still struggle with that.

Wish I would have listened to my gut and refused to sign the temporary stipulation because it has come back to bite me in the butt. If something doesn't feel right that your attorney asks you to sign and the explanation of why you should sign it, doesn't sit well with you, don't sign. Glad I found a different attorney now.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Betrayed444
Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, April 7th (Sunday)

2. I wish I knew that when he said it only "happened twice" it was code for "we did it more than twice a week"

THAT'S WHAT MINE SAID
And she still sticking to it
It was a 24 day affair
What do you think the real number was?
Numerous calls every day and texts
I'm betting between 10-12
His place was on her way to work and they worked at the same place
I read somewhere that once full on PA's start they have sex every day for the first week if they can.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 11:59 AM, April 7th (Sunday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

I wish I had gone through his email and texts before he erased them all. I would have printed them and made a file. I wish I'd known how easy it it to get information from cell phone records. I wish I had waited for him to respond to her desperate email to reconcile, I would have liked to have known where their relationship was going.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Sep 2012
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

On dday 1: should of ran into the bathroom with the laptop and close the door.

There was no lock
Dday 2 : pretty proud of how I handled that.

But I did the worse things softer dday2: did not know about archives so I destroyed his Facebook. I didn't check his phone logs to get a history. And I had the worst mc.

Haha a lot to regret.

[This message edited by lauren123 at 7:18 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
keptmyword
Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

I wish that I would have immediately filed for, aggressively pursued, and completed divorcing her.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 362 | Registered: May 2012
rarepearl7
Member
Member # 27672
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

I wish I had not believed in fairy tales

I wish I would have left on D Day and never looked back


Posts: 200 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
moonview
New Member
Member # 37203
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

I truly wish I had respected myself more.

I accepted far too many "crumbs" thrown at me.

[This message edited by moonview at 8:03 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]


"Barn's burnt down… now I can see the moon."
(Masahide, Japanese poet, 1657? – 1723)


Posts: 15 | Registered: Oct 2012
rcantbleveit
Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

I wish I had found SI sooner
I wish I had taken the time to get my thoughts together and formulate a plan prior to confronting him.
I wish I had outed their affair to OW's family & friends.
I wish I had held onto NC instead of trying so hard to save our marriage.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Dec 2010
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

I wish I had realized he was screwing my friend, I could have so busted them early on.

I wish I knew how to use the phone he was using,,, I'm sure there were texts I could have looked at at night when he was sleeping.

I wish I could have kept my cool, put a VAR in my house so that when they were in my house I would have it recorded because his family STILL doesn't believe me.

I AM glad I read the book Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. He 100% agrees the 180 is the ONLY way to wake these people up... that they have crossed the line of respect many many times with us and our good nature lets them get away with it.

I wish I would have taken his clothes and dumped them on HER front porch and said YOU CAN HAVE HIM!!!!


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2111 | Registered: Jan 2012
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, April 7th (Sunday)


..shot him

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4122 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
newnormal
Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

1.Waited no more than 6 months to D.
2. IC for me. Early and often
3. Journal everything. If I had wrote details down, I wouldn't keep trying to put the pieces together over and over
4. Not told anyone.
5. Wish I had kept my anger under control at work. I wish there wasn't so many skittle farting unicorns that I worked with


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
girlsbird
Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

I wish I:
had of thrown him out (even for a few days)
Found SI immediately
Dug down deep to my stubborn Irish roots
Pulled the motors out of the cars and put them in storage
Outed him to his best friend who was frequently used as the cover up (to this day does not know)


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
honesttoafault
Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, April 7th (Sunday)

I wish I listened to my gut and not to him

I wish I found SI right away.

I wish I threw him immediately after DDay and D.

I wish I didn't want to hold on sooo tightly that I lost myself and self esteem and self respect.

I wish I believed in ME.


Posts: 1939 | Registered: Jan 2010
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, April 8th (Monday)

First DD....no one believed me:

"Oh, he loves you....he would never do that...."

When everyone (including my own mom) in your world is saying this, you start second guessing yourself.

I wish I would of listen to ME and my gut.

I was right - he was running around with many more to come.

I put way more years into "wanting to believe" he wasn't.


I wished I would of D that very first time.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2099 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, April 8th (Monday)

I wish I would have handed my WW divorce papers and walked away.

Did I want a divorce...nope, but it would have stolen all of the power she had to dictate anything.

It would have been a wake up call and things would have gone much differently.

Also, don't think I haven't replayed this in my head a million times.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
What2Thnk
Member
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, April 8th (Monday)

I wish I'd been more concerned about my mental health than my financial health.

I wish I'd left when I found out about the first one.


Me (BS) 42
Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1
DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2
DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger
A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
feelingfoolish
Member
Member # 22804
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, April 8th (Monday)

I wish that I would have trusted my gut 100%. I did file for divorce but dismissed it before it was final.

I should not have dismissed it.

TRUST YOUR GUT.


me-44y
H-45y M-12 yrs
2 DS-21,15

06.30.12-- full PA with 24y ho-worker
08.16.12 DDay #2-are you f**king kidding me?
R-??? trying
07.21.13-Dday #3-filed for divorce the next day
R #2-hopeful but cautious.


Posts: 524 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: emerald city, oz
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, April 8th (Monday)

Good topic.

I wish I had -

Found SI sooner.
Separated for a period.
Told the OW's BS.
Known that men can't be tested for HPV.
Told our son sooner. We just told him after nearly three years. Turns out he was suspicious my husband was having an affair during the affair. And he'd kept that in for three years.

I also wish I had been more demanding and less patient when he didn't meet my requests for information.

The thing was, he confessed to me. I had no idea. So I was in serious shock. And I assumed he really didn't want her since he told me without having to, since I didn't know.

I could have done so much better, but I guess it hasn't really hurt our R. We are doing really well despite my utter cluelessness in the beginning.


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1467 | Registered: Nov 2010
Changed72
Member
Member # 38723
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, April 8th (Monday)

I wish I would have trusted my instincts.
I wish I could of held back, then caught them together.
It could of been so easy, I was just so blind.
I wish I wasn't so trustworthy.
I wish I would have trusted my instincts.
That wish bears repeating...


Me-38
Her-41
Married 15 years
1 DD13
DDay 3-2-13
Working on R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2013
Twowheelsbetter
New Member
Member # 38292
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 8th (Monday)

Kept my feelings in check and said nothing, should've not let on that I knew and found out as much as poss while possible.
Oh well........


Doh!

Posts: 31 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Uk, midlands
julesinpain
Member
Member # 36746
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, April 8th (Monday)

I wish I had trusted my gut!

Found SI right after I discovered or even when I got clues it was happening.

BEEN STRONGER! Stuck up for me!

Not believed the "we are just friends" when I knew it was more!

Not put up with TT for so long!

Demanded the truth right away or get out!!

Not let him weasel his way back into my heart every time so easily, only to find out it was still happening or he was still lying!

Not believe his stupid lies, when I knew I shouldn't!

I wish I had pulled my "bitch boots" on long, long ago! It was the only thing that made him wake up!!


Me 44
WH 46
DDay 1 8/22/08
DDay 2 9/22/10
DDay 3 12/22/10 same OW each time. (so called friend)
To many TT's to count, last one Jan. 2013 ugh!
Married 21 years, together 23
4 amazing children, 2DS 2DD
Working on it!

Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2012
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 8th (Monday)

I am just going to reiterate this:

Known that men can't be tested for HPV.

because I attended 2 years of nursing school, am a medical office manager by trade, and *I* didn't know this until very recently. THIS IS IMPORTANT, LADIES AND GENTS. This is cancer we're talking about.

Carry on


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Area2
Member
Member # 37797
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, April 8th (Monday)

--Held myself together and gathered more proof.
--stayed strong and insisted he confess to me and give truthful details, not just agree to what I already knew (and not tell what I already knew)
--send a NC letter/email in my presence
--not come home so easily (maintain separation once established)
--FOUND SI RIGHT AWAY.


Me: BW 50's
Him: WH 60ish
Married all my adult life
LTA, in limbo re: R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Eastern seaboard
DrivingPast
Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)

one word:

Keylogger!


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Jaded4life
Member
Member # 37577
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)

I wish I would have left and filed for divorce. We are actually making progress in R, but now I have to live with this for the rest of my life. It''s a horrible punishment for an innocent person to live with the pain of betrayal and mind movies. Sometimes I think a new start would have been easier and more deserved.


Me: 43...so betrayed.
Him: WH 46...multiple ONS, in therapy. A work in progress.
D-Months: Nov & Dec 2012. TT.
Married 4 years, together 5.
One beautiful amazing daughter, 15 mos

Posts: 94 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Land of the lost
16forever
Member
Member # 37255
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

I wish I would of not acted so freaked out and been calm not tried to use sex to get him to stay I wish I hadn't begged and pleaded just love me not her I wish I could of sheltered my kids from all the mess he created I wish when he did decide to come home I should of made him go to his parents house and then earn his way back home I wish I hadn't made such a fool of myself at Walmart crying so hard I thought I was gna pass out while me and my H were cashing a check so he could have money for him n his op after he had moved in with her and still I wish he hadn't been the only thing in the world I wanted at the time


Me:BS
Him:WS
3 awesome kids

Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: My own nightmare
phoenixrivers
Member
Member # 38314
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

I wish I would have stuck to my original reaction.

"I'm leaving. I don't ever want to see you again. Don't phone me or email me."

At least that way I would have had the satisfaction of leaving her, rather than her leaving me.

[This message edited by phoenixrivers at 12:33 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)]


Me: xBetrayedBF (xBBF)
Her: xWaywardGF (xWGF)
TT: 12/21/12
Splitsville: 1/6/13
DDay: 7/20/13
In active reconcilliation
"Nobody knows anybody...not that well." Tom Reagan, "Miller's Crossing"

Posts: 136 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Orleans, LA
Diva0702
Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

I wish:

I had listened to my instincts when I found all the shit about his internet shenanigans.

I wish I had thrown the fucker out and not been so frightened of my own future.

I wish I had followed my gut and gone to eyeball the whore trying to steal my husband.

The 'fuckpig' , as H refers to his shagnasty whore, hates my guts of course, and considers no doubt, in spite of her valiant efforts, that I 'won'.

But what did I win?? A lying, cheating husband. No victory to honour there.

I wish I had handed him to her on a plate and said, "Good luck with that"!

Super thread started here, and I hope it really helps all our new and devastated fellow members.

[This message edited by Diva0702 at 12:56 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
Edith
Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, April 12th (Friday)

I wish I had set some stuff on fire. I think it would have made me feel better.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013
sunshine226
Member
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, April 12th (Friday)

I wish I didnt tell him to pack his bags and get the f**k out, cause he did and the next day moved in with OW


Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, April 12th (Friday)

I wish I had been more confident in the person I KNOW I am

I wish I would not have allowed myself to feel "less" because HE chose to cheat

I wish I would have been able to control my action better and not turned into the emotional mess I did

I wish I would have told the AP's husband everything I knew as he deserves to know

I wish I would have sheltered our kids from the ugliness that their selfish father created

I wish I would have relied more on God than Chardonnay for strength

I wish I wouldn't have told people I told because in the end they couldn't help and many caused only more pain with their "words of wisdom"

I wish I would have been better at loving me and letting him figure his own self out

I wish that no person would ever hurt another person through infidelity.

I wish that if you are unhappy you have the courage to speak the truth. Lies and deceit hurt WAY more that the truth

I wish I could wake up from this nightmare


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1137 | Registered: Apr 2013
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, April 12th (Friday)

1. I wish I had trusted my gut and confronted him earlier.
2. And when I did confront him the first time, I wish I had pushed harder and browbeaten him into a confession. I didn't manage to do that until the third confrontation.
3. I wish I had been less ready to say I wanted to reconcile--made him work harder. (He's very remorseful and has turned himself around, but I wish I had made him sweat a little more in the beginning.)


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 394 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Topic Posts: 63