SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: First Post... Hello
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)

So, finally after messing up registering... I've joined this forum, out of curiosity more than anything. My wife is on here somewhere and is on here a lot from what I can gather so I thought if she's finding it a help I'll give it a bash.

I'm married and have been for just over 5 years and have a couple of kids.

My wife thought it would help our marriage to screw around with strangers instead of talk to me about whatever her problem is. So now I'm in what looks to be a pretty crowded boat of people who have been cheated on trying to get some kind of understanding, clarity, peace etc.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)

Welcome I85....I just can't call you idiot, so I85 it is.

Yes, there are a lot of us, but we are a great group and we'll help you as much as we can. If you haven't already, please check out the Healing Library. There is some great info in there.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13806 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
daledge
Member
Member # 38886
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)

So sorry. My advice in addition to reading through these various posts, is to get into marriage counseling. We could not have gone through any kind of healing without it.
Peace to you. I know how it hurts.

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)

lieshurt: Call me what you like! The 'idiot' more came out of me messing up registering anyway! I'll defo have a look in the healing library and see if anything helps me out.

Daledge: My wife's starting on with counselling for herself. I want to do marriage counselling. I want to hear what she has to say.

I can't quite believe I'm here, in life. I can't help but wonder when it turned to shit!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
daledge
Member
Member # 38886
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)

We've all thought the same thing.

Good your wife is in counseling; but that doesn't do much for you though.

If you are waiting for a mea culpa or an apology, you might not get it - or it might take a while. So go do something for yourself and talk to a therapist.

I knew something was up for most of 2011, but had no where to turn to find out. Then in the beginning of 2012 BINGO!
I knew, but not who he was banging.

First I saw a lawyer to learn my rights. Then off to interview therapists.

I didn't know WHO the bitch was for a while still. I was scared, felt threatened. After almost 8 weeks of therapy I was strong enough to confront the SOB.

The point is - seeking professional help, helps YOU.
Do it.

Good luck!


Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013
stretch13
Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)

I can't quite believe I'm here, in life.

and you won't be able to believe it for a long time. i'm glad you checked this place out, and i'm encouraged that your wife is spending time here on her own. no one in her shoes gets off easy here. she'll get a LOT of support, but be held very accountable. it can only help.

welcome. sucks to be here, but it's a great, safe place to find if you need it. do some reading...this process is rather lengthy. it's nice to navigate it as smartly as possible for your heart and head and life. we'll help you out, but there are no shortcuts.

seriously, do consider seeing a counselor/therapist on your own. you've never needed it more in your life, whether you've really realized that yet or not.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 2:50 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
pewpewpew
Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)

Hi.
So sorry you have found yourself here - but it's a wonderful place of support.

Please take care of yourself right now. Do things for you.

I had to deal with my WHs infidelity with a newborn. Life shattering.

TIME is your friend. When I JFO that seemed ridiculous but it is the truth. It does get easier.

I'm happy to say I am about 8 months out and doing great! I started working out, catching up with friends and family - and reaching out for support. I am in IC and also MC and thinking R is in the cards for us.

Post often.
Hugs.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)

Hey, I85. I think you'll find the nice thing about a full boat is that there is always someone around to talk to when you need them! Someone who gets it!

Please secure your flotation device - rough seas ahead.

So how long since you JFO (Dday)? Are you able to eat? getting plenty of fluids? Sleeping? How you holding up?


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
fromthisdayfwd
Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)

I85 - Take2 had my same questions.

Drink water. Even if you can't eat much eat a little.

Seriously; dehydration is your enemy and can literally land you in the hospital. So, make sure you are drinking water.

So sorry you have found yourself here. However, I am glad you found SI. It is very helpful.

Listen to the advice of the ones who have been there. There really is a very similar pattern to the way betrayers talk, respond, act .. you name it. Stick to your guns. You set the stage now.

Definitely read in the healing library (top left) and read it over and over as much as you need.

We all give you HUGS.


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

She told me in January and she did it in January.

I'm not so bad really massive kick in the knackers but I'm worried about her more. you know when someone does something so fricking weird and you think- uh oh she's gone- like off her rocker. That's what it's been like- from housewife to ho in 30 seconds. She's the one barely eating and she's skinny anyway. It's a proper cloud at the minute she's on my mind 24/7- is she ok, has she eaten, has she been crying and the big ones- what was and what is she thinking????!!!

I've been reading over other posts and it has been good. Even this little rant is quite cathartic!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

85....

Welcome to SI....the little fraternity that none of us wanted to join....

The healing library...read the whole thing.....its in the yellow box on the left side of this screen,......then read it again...

Also in JFO there are several posts that have targets in the margin.....sometimes they are buried on pages 2,3,4,even 5....they are well written and contain lots of information concerning boundaries, etc....

Your wifes OM...you know who he is? he married? are they co-workers? Does his wife know? Is he and your wife in any contact...any at all?? R is gonna be tough - if not impossible if they are in any contact at all...

Never forget that this bullshit is not your fault....you have zero blame.

Your marriage (if you want it to) can survive this....IF your wife is willing to do a lot of work...(like IC to determine why she chose to have an affair)...and if you are willing to give her time to overcome her "pre-affair" issues.....yes....there are some "reasons" why she had an affair.

Was it a one night stand? Several meetings with her BF over a period of time? An old BF or ex-husband? The dynamics will be different depending on what type of affair she had....

Discounting exit affairs....and affairs with old flames....she probably did it for what I call "shits and giggles"...she got her little ego stroked from the OM....she got a "high" from it - much like a junkie on crack...

Affairs are new...they are exciting...forbidden...and an escape from reality...the APs get a "rush" from cheating....good that she is getting IC...this is very important...(would not hurt you to do some IC too...).

This all takes time, bro....if you are not a patient man....you need to learn it....this is not going to go away in a few sessions with a good shrink....and a couple of rounds of HB...it takes time....at the least, a few months...maybe even years....but it can be overcame.

Watch out for the "infidelity diet"....it will sneak up on you--hell, I lost 45 pounds over few short months....eat, drink liquids (beer does not work)...exercise helps...

Did your wife confess....or did you "catch her"?

Is she being remorseful....dude, I mean "truly remorseful"??? A simple "im sorry" will NOT cut it.... Me?....until I got a "snotting, blubbering, crying, im so sorry I hurt you, mascara dripping off her chin" apology....I did not believe my marriage had a chance..

Good luck, bro.....

Keep us posted....

You will survive this bullshit - one way or another....

Buffflao


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5828 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

She had a few ONSs- 2 strangers and I know this 1 bloke or at least know who he is. The wife doesn't or didn't know him though- the bloke didn't know she's my wife. Funny I thought about knocking his head off then I thought well can't blame him really- still want nothing to do with him anymore!!!!

It happened so quickly it was like bullets!! We had a little argument- not even a big one!! She went out, stayed at her Mum's and came back. We were ok (I thought) then she went out again a different night- she came home that night and had a shower and I thought it was weird but- trust- it's a powerful thing! Went out again- came home, acted a bit odd- more odd than normal! She was awake most of the night and I was asking what was wrong- "nothing, I just love you"- So I was thinking yeah there's defo something up! I didn't know what though- I didn't think she would cheat on me and then a week after she told me.

At that point it was so shocking I couldn't believe it. I did not want to talk about it. Then I had this urge to know EVERYTHING!!

She's more of a die slowly and painfully inside kind of gal- there's no snot or blubbering but fuck me she looks like shit.

It kills me and she doesn't talk to me. She'll tell me what happened and then it's broad emotional strokes- "I love you" - "please don't go" - "I'm so sorry" - I heard her say to her friend "I love him, it's me I hate" - kills me man! So worried about her.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
CrappyLife
Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

idiot85 - What your wife did was horrible. I am also a BH (just 6 months since I came to know) and understand the pain and trauma you are going through. All this shit is mind-numbing. You will be hurting for quite some time. Absolutely normal. Read here and post here. It is an amazing place. You will get a lot of help to wade through this pile of shit that you just happened to walk into for no fault of yours.

You say your wife is here and I think I know who she is from her posts in the wayward forum. I have read her posts and she seems to be willing to work on herself and make sure she irons out her issues. I get from both your posts that you want to still be together. You both can be on SI and heal individually and together as a couple.

But, there are some things in her posts which were quite disturbing. And then you mention -

fuck me she looks like shit.

Why would you say that about your wife? Did you always think this way, even before you found out? Why did you marry her in the first place if you think she looks like shit?

She mentioned that you do not want her go to IC to figure out her issues. If true, why?

Approving of other men talking about her like a sex object?

She mentioned you laugh and approve of stuff like some other men masturbating thinking about her. Really?

See, I might sound harsh, but this is something you need to look into. I am even not taking her posts as the absolute truth. And the above things are certainly not to provoke fights between you and your W. Just that I found these things disturbing and thought you should know that it is not the way to treat one's spouse.

Her ONSs are not your fault. But, stopping her from working on herself, fixing her broken-ness and becoming a better person is doing no good to either of you. There are other aspects of your relationship and your attitude towards her that you would also need to dig into if you want to R and have a successful M. You both need to talk honestly and respectfully to each other. A LOT.

So worried about her

I was also very worried about my W when I just found out. I wanted to save her. Not possible. She is the only one who can save herself. Ditto to your wife. You work on your healing and let her work on hers.

This is a long journey. Best of luck!

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 7:25 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

Welcome I85,

If you decide to work on your M, I see some good things in your post:

My wife is on here somewhere

There is tons of help here for both sides. The fact that she is reaching out to a forum is a good sign.

My wife's starting on with counselling

She realizes something is broken.
I know you want to do MC as well but she needs to understand why she is broken before she can proceed.

She told me in January and she did it in January.

This is big. Many of us here are NEVER told. We live in forever and ever wondering.

I second the other posts, even if she is not ready for MC...I would start IC for you. This is a lot to deal with.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2176 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

My heart is so far in my throat right now I'm shaking!! So she can post on here but not talk to me. I'm staying away from areas I think she'll be and I don't want to know her username. I want her to talk to me. I don't get why she can't talk to me.

She is a very very beautiful girl, woman. She is absolutely stunning and there's nothing that could make me think otherwise. When I said "like shit"- I meant she looks sad, incredibly sad and hurt, like she hasn't slept. She barely eats anything at all. It terrifies me.

I definitely don't "approve", I can't do anything about it!!! A studio down the road held an anonymous vote for who in the 4 studios they do it over- that's what she'll be referring to and I did laugh it off because what else could I do?? It's not like I voted!! I joke around and if it hurts her so much why doesn't she just say something to me- her husband???

I didn't initially want her to go on her own to counselling because I was scared. Scared they might suggest leaving me or even more importantly- her family is like suicide city- but she's probably mentioned that too!!! I changed my mind about it because ultimately I love her and know she needs to talk or just be able to without looking at me to speak for her!! I hate having to do that I totally hate it. I went with her to the doctors to "support" her- she said about 4 words and then looked at me! I end up saying how I'm not going to talk for 30 seconds so to avoid an awkward silence, speak!!

I feel weird as hell right now- maybe it's just me she can't talk to.

[This message edited by idiot85 at 8:11 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

And now I've texted a pointless text "why can't you talk to me" totally pointless.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
CrappyLife
Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

Sorry about the misuderstanding on the 'like shit' part and having to find out through this site. Just that having a complete picture will help people on here to give you better advice.

You do not need to know her username or even read her posts if you dont feel like doing it. Fully upto you. In fact, at this stage, the healing should be separate and you both should talk it over before posting here. My wife and I are also both on SI, but we make sure we are not communicating via SI or even posting something the other is not aware of at all. Talk first and then seek help on SI is what we do.

I got the feeling that there is quite a communication gap between the two of you. And hence I mentioned in my previous post that you both need to work on it and talk. She needs to be comfortable talking to you. Was she always not comfortable sharing and talking about her feelings to you? Or is it just after D-Day? How was your relationship before her As?

Gently, but IMO, I would be really disgusted if such a vote was held and my wife was even in it. Joke about it - No way! I think it is demeaning to a woman. You should be showing disgust and comforting her instead.

Good that you agreed for her to go to counselling. I must have missed that part. Try to make sure you guys talk about her counselling sessions and her progress. This will also help alleviate your fears about her leaving you. It will also give you confidence in her ability to see both of you through this.

I feel weird as hell right now- maybe it's just me she can't talk to.

It is sometimes easier to talk about your deepest fears and insecurities on an anonymous forum like this. Pouring out and seeking support from unknown people is easier because even if they judge you, they dont know you! WW also found it easier posting here initially than talking about it in real life. With some work, it will be easier for both of you to communicate with trust and share your deepest feelings with each other.

Frankly, as EvenKeel mentioned, your WW came and confessed a week after it happened. That is really HUGE. I might be wrong, but some amount of tini-tiny credit should be given to her for that. I found out after 6 years! 6 fucking freaking long years! And it was with a friend of mine.

Again, sorry, please relax and talk to your wife when both of you are together. Better communication between the two of you can only help.

Good that you think she is beautiful and stunning.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 8:42 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
Diva0702
Member
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

185, a blighty maid here too.

Although this is the most awful place to HAVE to be, it is the most productive, supportive and cosseting place anyone like you and I could hope to end up. Take heart.

My Mum used to say, "if you don't know what to do, don't do anything until you do", so give yourself time to breathe.

We are all in the same place, and there is such an enormous amount of empathy and support for you here, please take advantage of it.


Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

CL- She is completely awesome and a real head turner- that's why I worry so much- I just want her to talk to me but she won't and I don't know why.

She used to talk to me a bit- she told me about the suicide stuff and she hadn't talked to anyone about it before at that time, then after her brother she did talk a bit but not much- don't want her going the same way- if I mention it she talks, she almost shouts (it's almost like- achievement unlocked)it's nice to hear her voice!! She's become more introverted with time for sure- she was a party girl when I met her but she can be now- but scratch the surface and behind laughs and interests- she is deep deep deep- I doubt she even knows what's buried in there!!

We had a shitty xmas/new year loaded with stress and that's when it all went south.

I can't imagine what it must be like to have been a friend- love is crazy. I do appreciate her telling me- and I told her that to try to encourage her to talk more- no matter how bad it is. I want to communicate with her all she does is listen and agree!!!! "The biggest single problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place"- George Bernard Shaw's great quote.

That vote was demeaning and I didn't like it but I did shout my mouth off about it- it's just the way I deal with stuff- laugh it off- join in even- disappointingly encourage it too

Diva: Great advice, thank you- I'll remember that. My thumbs get carried away and I text nonsense!!! What, do I expect her to reply "well this is why..." duh!

[This message edited by idiot85 at 9:58 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
CrappyLife
Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

Thanks. You replied. I was thinking of sending you a PM.

She can be a head-turner and have boundaries. Then, you wont need to worry. That is for her to figure out and you cannot help her do that.

but scratch the surface and behind laughs and interests- she is deep deep deep- I doubt she even knows what's buried in there!!

Your wife sounds a lot like mine with regards to the getting 'more introverted with time'. When I met my WW, she was happy-go-lucky and confident. She was out-going, used to talk a lot, did not want to sit at home, always go out on trips or just hangout with friends. Slowly and especially over the last 2 years, she became distant and a completely different person. She did not want to go out even when I coaxed her to, did not want to speak to me even after I begged her to speak to me, always wanted to sit at home and watch soaps on TV, did not look forward to go on vacations, yada yada..

After D-Day, she was scared to talk to me. I used to shout and get angry and cry and still she was not willing to talk. Slowly, I realised that I need to make her feel comfortable. Get her in that 'talking' zone. Took about a couple of months. For example, if she reveals something, just listen, do not react immediately. Reacting immediately will set her back. If you want to talk about it, bring it up later when both of you are calmer. I am not saying that you should not vent to her. You are completely justified in your venting about the A. She will also get advice here to deal with your anger and your outbursts.

Then, came a stage where WW used to talk only when I talked to her. Otherwise, she was in a shell and used to avoid awkward conversations, which used to upset me. Looked like rug-sweeping to me. I told her one day that this is my problem. I think she posted on SI about it and spoke to her IC also. She got some advice and now she comes and speaks to me about things herself. No need of prodding. I still need to keep my calm to make her feel comfortable about talking and expressing herself openly.

Her seeking help on SI and with her IC has helped her. She is still a work in progress. She is peeling off the layers of the onion and a lot of shit is still coming out. Hope your wife can also dig deep, get it out there and make it work for her.

it's just the way I deal with stuff- laugh it off- join in even- disappointingly encourage it too

You know better now that the way you deal with it causes her resentment and she might not feel comfortable saying it to you. The thing about this shit is that it forces the BS also to look at themselves and change.

It sucks, its not fair, but good luck with your journey as a BS!

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 10:29 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

No worries mate- of course I was going to reply. I should be working instead I'm reading and reading and typing and typing some more! I just had a wobble but I'm alright now!

The wife's mate said the thing about reacting too- they've been best friends since they were babies! she said don't react because she'll think I'm going to make a big deal out of it and that's her nightmare- her mate said when she tells her something even if it would normally shocking she just listens and nods- it seems to work- they're like sisters! It's different for girlies though.

It is definitely upsetting not being spoken to about shit and when they go into their shells I don't think they realise how hurtful it is.

I regret how I dealt with that vote shit and what I do now and loads of other stuff- I was joking along and now some of my mates think she must be that type of bird- she isn't. My wife is definitely not easy as fucked up as it sounds after recent events!!

At lunch today I said something I wished I hadn't- I can't stop myself from making a joke out of stuff. I ended up having to say to her "I didn't mean that".

She replied to my text btw- with "blah blah blah"- I know it's avoiding and not good really but it properly settled me down a bit. She was being humourous and it was the best case scenario for today. She's so sad and withdrawn, if she does anything funny it cheers me up!!

I don't know about you but I can't take deep drawn out discussions every single day. It might be different for me because it's one way- only me talking probably doesn't warrant 'discussion'!

I hope she isn't getting a hard time on the "other side" though. I have a feeling she hasn't been inventive with her username and I think I saw it pop up... She must have commented on someones post! Not looking though- I want it to be the right way. She might recognise me as "idiot" though haha!!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
CrappyLife
Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

I still read and post on SI instead of working. Work has kinda become secondary.

It is definitely upsetting not being spoken to about shit and when they go into their shells I don't think they realise how hurtful it is.

With time and rebuilding of trust and open honest communication between both of you, she will realise the hurt of not talking to you and going outside the M to fill the void. Once the realisation sets in, she might get more committed to you than ever.

I can't take deep drawn out discussions every single day.

Oh! This shit will suck the last ounce of energy from you. And then some more. Strap on.

Realising your mistake and apologising to her is a step in the right direction.

Dont try to fast-track the process, process your feelings and take your time to heal.

I hope she isn't getting a hard time on the "other side" though.

Well.. Let me just tell you that the former waywards out there a bunch of hard-asses. (No offense meant to the FWSs. ) It is tough and pretty intimidating being a newbie WS out there. The former waywards will call bull-shit pretty quick and beat the new WS on the head with 2x4's until they 'get it'! Kinda necessary when you are a new WS. If I were a WS, I would have run out of there faster than Usain Bolt.

Dont worry about her having a 'hard time'. she will be fine at the end of it all.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 1:32 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, April 12th (Friday)

I'm finding it tough because I think mine is an unusual situation.

I'm up and down- I'm fine for a while and I don't bring it up then I can hear my voice asking the same questions that she doesn't answer and it has us both completely exhausted. It must be time that's really needed for me.

I'm not naturally good at apologising but I'm working on it!!

The Mrs is actually a shit liar- that's a positive!!

I wish I knew who the other men were though- I don't know why I want to know but I do!! I keep wondering if I've met them or know them- like I said I know one!! How could I find out though??!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
CrappyLife
Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, April 12th (Friday)

First, let me tell you - Everything you have written is normal for a new BS.

Everyone's situation is different, but the basic contours of infidelity are the same. Unusual? I think not. If you stay on SI for a few weeks, you will find all kinds of situations. See the counter for the number of members. And this is just a tiny percentage of people who find out, then seek help, find SI on the net and then find the courage to register.

Have you heard that the days/months/years after infidelity is called a 'roller-coaster'? One hell of a fucking unpleasant roller-coaster. Up and down is a part of the journey. You think you hit rock-botttom and then some day you will go more down. Try being happy with the ups. Try holding on to them a little longer. Yea. Time will help. I read this quote on SI itself (dont know who posted it) and its very important - "It is not the time, but what you do with the time is what matters." Get on your path of healing independent of your WW.

And about your urge to know about the other men (lets call them piece of shit), its perfectly normal. I knew both the POSs and had the urge to know each and every detail. Took me about 2-3 months to get everything from my WW. Things still come up and she is pretty honest. Uncomfortable but honest. Think about it and if you want to know, your wife has to tell you if she wants a successful R. You have a right to know what you are reconciling with. She cannot rug-sweep if you want the details. You decide the level of detail you want to know and she has to try her best to remember things and be truthful. 'I dont know' and 'I dont remember' is plain bull-shit. They always know. It is just that they do not want to tell. Your wife is the best source of information to find out. Most probably the only source.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 6:33 AM, April 12th (Friday)]


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, April 12th (Friday)

She's told me everything she knows- I believe her- I got EVERY detail out of her and some details I regret knowing! She can't remember the names of 2 of them- she didn't know the name of the other 1- I told her his name!! I've made her describe what they look like and everything!!! Fucking hell mate I know more about their bodies than mine!!!

The better side of me thinks how they didn't know she was married etc etc- the other part fantasizes about ripping them to shreds!!!

I keep seeing about affairs and emotions and my wife just got fucked up and then got fucked. The not taking the name shit kills me- I don't know who SHE is!!

That time quote is good- I like it. When we're spending time together I come out with shit then think why did I say that???!!

I now know how to get her talking in the most unproductive way imaginable- it's like I said before though- achievement unlocked! Sometimes I just need to hear a raised voice from her and if I say I'm worried she'll take her life then she starts talking- loudly!! It doesn't help us though- I did it last night! To be fair though her brother told ME how suicide's bullshit and selfish etc then 3 months later- he's gone too! It's her family mate they all do it. Scares the shit out of me!! That's why she's so messed up! Now it's like well you really have to talk- talk!!!

I don't like roller-coasters!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
CrappyLife
Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, April 12th (Friday)

Nothing much to add, excpet that if you think she is suicidal (and it runs in the family), make sure she talks about it to you and the IC. Talking about something takes the sting out of the thought. It will become less likely that she does it once she talks about it. Your kids need a mother.

My WW also had sucidal thoughts and I was shit scared. I told her "Are you thinking that suicide will solve and fix the problem? Tell me how?" No answer. Also made her speak to her IC about it. Now she does not talk about it at all.

I don't like roller-coasters!

I love roller-coasters. A roller-coaster like this one. NO. Thanks. Strap on anyways.


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

Felt the need to add- so I don't piss her off!!! No I don't think she would do that- but it provokes a massive reaction from her if I say it and after hours of her being muted, I say it to goad a reaction out of her- not good I know!!!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Topic Posts: 27