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User Topic: I don't understand.
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)

Me - 29
Him-29
That woman- 42

We aren't married. Due to financial problems I live with my parents and he with his. We've known each other twelve years. Dated for two, then stayed friends until a few years ago. He has a six year old daughter who I have helped care for since she was two. I love her like my own. Together we have a two year old son.
We bickered, like any other couple. Due to living circumstances, intimacy was hard to come by. We managed about once a week though.
A few weeks ago an aquaintence of his asked him to go hiking. I can't hike due to a bad hip. I tried to be okay with it but him being alone with another woman made me nervous, we had had a problem before. I asked him to be careful. I asked to meet her. I never did. I only found out they'd been hanging out after the fact. She always needed help with something.
Bickering got worse.... no, he got worse. More impatient, withdrawn. I tried gently to find out what was wrong. He wouldn't tell me. I knew he was doing all his talking to this woman.
Sunday night he dropped a bomb- he'd been feeling suicidal. He was depressed. Then he cut me off and wouldn't talk. Yesterday morning he said he needed "me time" "no stress or arguing", time to himself. He had been venting about me to her. Because of our difficulty getting alone time, she told him it sounded to her like I was trying to get pregnant again. (This is insane. Our son wasnt even an accident.) Even after asking me, he believed her not me. Said he didnt know what he wanted. Tired of not being listened to, tired of being pushed away, sobbing, I changed my FB status to single. I shouldnt have. I just felt broken. I think hes been staying at her place.
He then changed his status to "In a domestic partnership" with her. He did it to hurt me. I changed mine sure but he took it a step much too far. I dont know why he is so actively trying to hurt me and our family. Why he listens to her. I don't know what I've done to deserve this. If he did not want to be with me, if he had become taken with her, he could just say it. I don't know why he is dragging me and the kids through this hell. I ama wreck. And he is with her.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

(((((Rumor))))

I'm sorry you're in such pain.

Changing your FB status had nothing to do with his choices.

I know it hurts. Maybe he'll wake up to the truth, maybe he won't. Right now he's chosen a lying cougar and at some point, that will bite him in the butt.

Read in the Healing Library, especially BS FAQs #11. This is called the 180. It will help you begin to focus on you and your healing.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Thank you, Holly. I will go read that.
I just feel numb.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

((((rumor))))

It's like the knowledge of the world we knew, the person we knew- it isn't real- it empties us. At least that was my experience. Pain, then emptiness, then the cycle began again.

Do you have anyone IRL that you can also reach out to for support?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Yes. And I'm meeting a friend at bible study tomorrow. She is going to talk for me and ask for some prayers. My best friend brought me dinner last night. My poor two year old didn't get dinner until 10 pm and his bedtime is 9:30. My parents got home from their trip last night. I don't want to tell them bcs I don't know what is going to happen. I smiled, but my mom could tell in ten seconds that something was very wrong. I told her I'm okay. I'm trying to act fine.

I'm not okay. I'm nauseous, I've thrown up twice (not while crying) I'm so anxious that anything I eat goes through me like I am a cavewoman being chased by a bear. I keep taking these deep gasping breaths like I can't get enough air or am holding my breath. I havent cried today though. But I'm not managing, I'm not okay. I am trying to get in to see a therapist in the next couple of days.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Now he posted this pic on facebook

And said "what if you experienced the opposite?" I have had NC with him for two days. Why is he so trying to hurt me? I am not perfect but I am a good kind woman. I try to be grateful and supportive and understanding. What about what HE'S doing? Has he been good to me? Not lately. So hurt.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Wow. He's trying to feed the drama llama

Look, he's got issues. He has children by two different mothers. He's cheating with an older woman. Not hugely older, but still enough to make you wonder if he's looking for a mommy-wife, KWIM?

Block him from your FB. Then you can't see when he does dumb crap like this. He seems determined to be an idiot. You need to seek a lawyer, borrow money if you have to, and get a legal order for CS and custody written up. There have been members that had their children taken by the other parent. You need the law on your side.

Communicate with him through email and texts so you have a record of what is said but also so you have time to consider a response. Keep to discussing your child and any finances you two share. Ignore everything else. This will give you emotional distance and protect your heart somewhat.

People that are cheating usually do so because there's something off balance within them. They try to balance it by bringing another person in to make them feel better about themselves. Like a crutch. So, do your best to stay NC with him and that he's NC with you. Blocking him on FB and other accounts like that will help with that.

Reach out to whoever you need for support. He sure will be giving his own spin on things. Keep in mind you can't untell people. So if you think that person won't be supportive if you do happen to R, don't tell.

Keep breathing, keep pushing fluids. Eat what you can. Some people say that drinking Ensure helps you get your nutrients. Focus on what motivates you to continue day by day. For me, it was my kids. Allow yourself a time to retreat and cry or yell, punch a pillow, something to get these feelings out. But also allow yourself to be open to those moments of joy that come up, usually in the form of your DS. I love the age his is now. To me, two year olds are the best. DD was two on d-day and having to be there, taking care of her, helped me keep moving.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Helpless  Posted: 6:47 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

I have thought about that, that he is just looking for someone to take care of him. This economy has been hard on him, he's had periods of unemployment and works two part time jobs atm. He worries about being able to provide for his children. I offered to get a job (I used to work in childcare, my odds of gainful employment are statistically higher than his) and he expressed a desire for me to continue to stay home with our son. I didn't argue because I love being home with him. Now I am going to look for a job, not for "US" (what us?) But for me and my own sense of empowerment.
So it's entirely possible that the idea of someone else to pay his bills, to get him out of his parents house (i hope they box up his stuff and redo the room asap if he truly leaves. It'd be the best thing for him) etc was very enticing to him.

So hes left, he is with the OW, I am not bothering him. Why is he still trying to passive aggressively come at me? He got what he wanted.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

My guess is he wants to see you care. Someone with an intact ego doesn't cheat. You're not falling down, begging him back. That's actually a good thing for you and even for him. He gets to see OW for who she is without having you there to turn all his negative feelings on.

And you? You get dignity and aren't a person that gets his negative feelings heaped on you.

((((Rumor))))
I know this is hard and you're likely having sleepless nights. Rely on your faith to bring you comfort.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Really looking forward to bible study tomorrow.
Staying focused on the 180. Trying to make some fun plans for Saturday. And buying a new top for myself thats not even on sale because I deserve it!


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

I should be sleeping. But I'm crying. He is sleeping with her and I am all alone. I feel worthless. Like I'll never give a man enough sex to keep him happy. Like I'm probably no comparison to her in bed.

And I am angry because its exposed, the secret is out. Why isn't he asking for forgiveness? Why does he stay with that woman? I don't want to talk to him because I feel like all he will say is basically "I'm sorry you're hurting, but it wasnt working, and look how happy I am. Dont you want me to be happy?" And its such bs.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

Im so very sorry you are going through this.

The pain is just huge. Take it one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

I'll never give a man enough sex to keep him happy

^^^This^^^ is not the problem, if he was a good and decent man he would not have chosen to have an A. This is not your fault, at all, in anyway.

Hugs, so very sorry for your pain.

ETA - I dont know why they dont ask for forgiveness. I have just decided in my case it is because he is a selfish and entitled dick. To ask for forgiveness would mean admitting he had done wrong. It doesnt gel with the 'good guy' image.

ETA2 - let the 'secret' out, dont let it make you feel humilated. It was not your fault. You are not to be judged by this. I hid my secret for a bit too, you know what I say now to anybody that asks about him 'I didnt like any of his girlfriends so we broke up'. I think I stole it off someone here but you know what, it does the trick without having to give sordid details.

[This message edited by HurtsButImOK at 2:28 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 738 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

So sorry you are going through this. I was numb and in shock for the first few weeks. Try to take care of yourself, so you can be there for your son. The emotional roller coaster can be pretty intense, so please post and reach out for support. There are amazing people out here that are waiting to hear from you.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

I have a therapy appt scheduled for tomorrow. I hope shes ready for some chick to come in her office and cry for an hour.

Went to bible study this morning. It was good. I lost it halfway through and the table leader took me aside and asked what was wrong and prayed for me. Got some hugs.

Then i went to the mall. For years i have ordered bras online, a size 42g-i depending. Today at the store I tried on a 46DDD on a whim. It fit. Its the first underwire I have wotn since gettinh pregnant. It is the first bra I have bought in a store in five years. And they were on clearance for ten bucks. Ten! So i bought three. One has roses on it. It is the first pretty bra i have ever had. I havd always had white and black before. I got a zebra print phone case. I let the silly kiosk lady curl my hair and attempt to sell me a $100 curling iron. And my son and I rode the mall train. I was almost euphoric. Then I came home and now I'm back to being sad.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

You will be up and down for a while rumor. That is perfectly normal.

Maintain NC. Stay out of his drama. Let him have to explain to people what he sees in a woman old enough to be him mother.

Meanwhile, get legal counsel so you don't have to worry about your son.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jun 2012
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

What do I do if he does ask to talk about all of this? In terms of trying to do the 180 and be cordial but... I am not ready to talk. And for the first time since I've known him... I want someone there to mediate. I do not know who.
I feel like I will be unnecessarily mean.... like... "For someone you weren't attracted to, you sure jumped in bed with her quick." Or "If nothing was going on, why did you yell at your daughter's mom that you had a gf that made 75k a year? I don't make that much. And I thought, that on Friday.... your gf was still me."

My poor son... he hasn't seen daddy or sister since Sunday. Daddy hasnt asked to see him. Someone knocks on the door, I know he runs, thinking its daddy... I'm sure he is horribly disapointed when its not.

I am afraid this man is going to feel this hate toward me forever.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

I can't afford a lawyer... but the idea of either the kids in that womans house makes me sick.

[This message edited by rumorhasit at 7:53 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

Go for a free consult with a lawyer. You need to get the ball rolling on child support asap.
Sorry you're here!


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1190 | Registered: Jun 2007
BrighterFuture
Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

Hey, I just want to encourage you. I have the same fears as you. I'm lying here in bed thinking why he isn't with me and who he's probably sleeping with. I also wonder why he can't apologize and promise to work on himself because that's the minimum I'm asking and I'll forgive him. But if he can't do that then I will not force this relationship and will let it go no matter how much it hurts me right now. I believe God will see us through and we'll be ok. I'm holding on to my faith too!

[This message edited by VeryHurtbroken at 11:19 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 345 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, April 12th (Friday)

My table leader at church today told me that Satan is on a mission in the world to break up families. I don't want mine to fall apart...

I just keep focusing on the therapy appointment...

And reminding myself that I was not an awful partner, that he made a selfish choice.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, April 12th (Friday)

(((very hurt))))
(((rumor))))

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, April 12th (Friday)

I've done two journal entries so far. I didn't think I would want to journal, but moments come when I am inspired. I wrote this morning and wanted to share some with you all -

"I told you months ago, I won't compete. If you need time and space to be alone, to talk with family and friends, it's okay. If your time and space is to be spent with another woman, deciding who you want but giving me no chance to be heart to heart with you, I will simply bow out. Not because I do not love you, or want our life, but because I thought you had already chosen me long ago. And I will not spend my life competing with other women."


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, April 12th (Friday)

Sorry that you had to join our fun little club.

Welcome you will find many wonderful folks here.

I want to make a few points here.
1. He chose this, there is something in him that is broken, and you cannot fix it. He has made a very bad decision obviously. This isn't about sex, this isn't about money, this is about this OW making him feel wonderful however she does it either with compliment, doting, or being a mom to him. It sounds like at the tail end of this post you are starting to find your inner strength. Embrace it. It will help you tremendously.

2. Tell your parents, as a parent you know that you would do anything in the world to help and protect them. This instinct does not go away because you are a grown up. Let them help and support you through this.

3. You live in the one of the best states in the nation to get "financial aid" for an attorney. Being a single mom that has been abandoned, and is so broke she has to live with mom and dad. I am betting there is an attorney waiting for you. Get on line and google for your zip code attorneys low income divorce.

He at the very least needs to held accountable for the child he helped to create, and I am urging you to demand that he spend time with your son. WITHOUT his new woman. Your son will be confused, with age difference, he may want to call her grandma.

You will get through this, and will come out on the other side a much stronger woman for it. With or without him. You will.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8509 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, April 12th (Friday)

Thank you so much for the support, tushnurse. You give a lot of good advice.

1. He is broken. I knew that years ago. I was there the night he found out his father, who hadn't been around much and he was just getting to know, had commited suicide by cop. That had a profound effect on him, obviously. He was only 18.

2. Since I'm not sure if we will R or not, I don't want to say something to my parents because they may not support it.

3. To his credit, he has always been good about paying CS. He uses checks so there's a paper trail. He goes through the courts for his daughter's CS and we have wanted to avoid getting the courts involved. As long as he continues to pay, I see no reason to get a court order. Custody is another issue, however he has never had him on his own except watching him at my place a few times. His place is too messy and unsafe for him to stay there, and he has never asked. I will look up lawyers and try to get some advice next week.

Thank you again for the support and advice coming here keeps my mind from going to a bad place.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 13th (Saturday)

He changed his Facebook status to say that he and this woman are engaged.

Just a week ago he was in my bed.

I am trying to be calm. I recognize that his behavior is not healthy or balanced or sane. I don't know why this is happening. But I know that Iwill go on. I will have a beautiful life. I am taking care of myself, and that can only take me to good places.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, April 13th (Saturday)

Someone please say something


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
BrokenPieces
Member
Member # 7685
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

(((HUGE HUGS))) sweetie. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I know that it doesn't help the pain you are in now, but it won't always hurt this bad. Keep taking care of yourself and that sweet boy of yours.


BS-40
Red Headed Imps 10 & 8
DDay 1/05
Divorce final 6/21/06
My new life is GRAND.
Married my new beginning 6/09

Posts: 2290 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Greater Seattle Area
BrighterFuture
Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

I'm not an expert but this is all I've got to say. They seem to have fallen in love so fast, they'll fall out of love just as fast. Give it time, you'll have a reason to smile soon.


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 345 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

Apparently... I mean they're "together" but apparently the engaged thing was a JOKE. Just to be funny. Funny! It wasn't. It was cruel.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

I have a beautiful life ahead of me. I do.

He on the other hand won't seek help and must live with himself forever. I don't think it'll be good company.

I told my parents... or rather, I had a breakdown in front of them and had to.

I just have to keep telling myself... it wasn't me. I wasn't bad. (I keep needing to ask friends/family to be sure.) I did not deserve this. I love myself and will take care of myself. Tonight i finally ate dinner.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
BrighterFuture
Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

Please unfriend him from all social networking sites. He's doing all these things to hurt you. I have a little peace since I unfriended my ex-fiance from facebook. Unless we are together or working on reconciliation I don't need to know what he's doing with his life.

[This message edited by VeryHurtbroken at 8:38 AM, April 14th (Sunday)]


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 345 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

Rumor, please block him on FB. You don’t need this. Blocking will help you to detach. If necessary, take yourself off FB for now – you can always reactivate at a later date. This is the time to be kind to yourself and to do all those things you would advise a close friend to do. He is choosing to heap further hurt on you and you mustn’t allow him to.

Have you seen an attorney yet? Is there anywhere you can go for free advice so that you at least know how the land lies. Yes, he’s paying CS now, but don’t expect it to last – very often it doesn’t and it will become a tool of manipulation, so make sure you can survive should he decide to stop paying.

I’m glad you have confided in your parents. I hope they are giving you much needed support.

I’m not too keen on your table leader (not sure what that is) at church who

told me that Satan is on a mission in the world to break up families.
Sounds like a hook to hang the “reason” on. It’s not a helpful thing to say and your XSO made those choices all by himself – Satan had nothing to do with it.

Keep going. It will get easier.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3455 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

Oh yes, I blocked him after he posted a link to an article on emotional abuse and said "a lot of this sounds familiar." I have to keep telling myself it wasn't me. I wasn't abusive. That he/she is deluding his thoughts.

I keep feeling like if only I hadnt let it get to me, the knowledge that he was cheating, let it make me resentful, insecure, and defensive, I could have pulled him back from it. That he might not have left.

My parents are being really understanding.

I think what the woman at churvh was saying was that he made his own choice and that if he had a better relationship w God he would not have strayed. She wasnt giving him a pass or absolving him of blame at all.

I just wish I knew why he was so cold and hurtful. I don't know what he gains by posting those things. At least now I won't see them.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, April 15th (Monday)

I have a question. OW is not divorced yet, they are separated. Her daughter who is 13 lives with her.

Do I out the OW to her STBXH?


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, April 15th (Monday)

Heck yeah you out her. It might have bearing on custody if she's shacking up. Unfortunately, it's my understanding that in CA it won't change the D settlement, but maybe custody. This might give him insight as to why his M is ending.

I'm surprised he doesn't know with all the FB shenanigans.

I'm glad you blocked him. He's being downright cruel. Seriously, see a lawyer even if he's been good in the past. There have been a couple of members here who have had their kids kidnapped by the noncustodial parent. One had a legal agreement and was able to get his kids back ASAP- though it was still a fight. The other didn't have an agreement. The father had been good up until then too. The cops said she had to let him keep her son and dictate what visitation would be until something legal was declared. It was a long fight.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, April 15th (Monday)

The Fb stuff has been done under pseudonyms.we're part of an online community and many people in it communicate via facebook under a made up name. So its only been on there. On his real facebook account and hers they aren't even friends.

I'm afraid of backlash if I out her. And I wouldn't know what to say. I don't know this man. They'd call me a stalker and crazy.

My mom is going to help me with legal stuff.

It's so hard to keep reminding myself it wasn't me, there was nothing I could have done...


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

He texted me this morning. I hope I handled it right. We have had NC since the park on Saturday when he wanted to see our son.

Him: You blocked me on fb?
I never wanted to hurt you. And I feel horrible for how I made you feel. I still care about you. But I wasn't happy and didn't feel good about myself when I was with you. Seeing you the other day mafe me miss you a little bit. I think it would be good if you worked kn yourself like you had suggested with counseling.
At the park the other day when we were talking, I was tempted to take you back and work on things, but I couldn't do it. I hated seeing you like that. But I have to focus on me right now and make sure I am happy and emotionally healthy.

Me: I am taking care of myself. I don't think we need to talk unless it has to do with *****. (Our 2 yr old son)

Him: I dont want to be alienated.

Me: You won't be. If you want to see him just let me know.

Him: Well I still want to see you too.

Me: I need space right now too.

Him: I know. I hope you understand why I left.


I left it at that, didn't respond. I was really trying to avoid getting into things with him and maintaining my boundaries. He is so full of bs. How'd I do??


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Bumping this for feedback.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

You did awesome.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8006 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Remember you are nobody's 2nd choice or fall back plan. His email was all about making himself happy, but he doesn't want you to move on with you life while he is playing.

If he wants her, he can't have you. NC him, make him work for your attention. Show him what his life will be like without you in it. If he doesn't come back, well you are at least further down the road to recovery for yourself.

Focus on yourself and your little one. I know it drives you crazy wondering what he is doing, but try to curb that. You and your child only.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2967 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Thank you for the feedback!

I just remind myself of all the things I don't miss about him... they're trivial things, but it helps.

I'm looking into volunteering once a week at the food bank. And doing other stuff that I never did because I was so focused on family stuff and worrying that I didn't have sex w him enough that I never truly took time for myself to be me and not just mommy and sex.

I know I am facing my issues head on. I will eventually be okay. I don't know why he thinks he will find happiness and emotional health in the bed of this homewrecker who goes after taken men. But i know he won't.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

I just realized something... the last time WBF and I had sex was two weeks ago tonight... he finished abnormally fast, apologized, but didn't try to please me after that. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure he actually finished. Because he thought I was trying to get pregnant again. He was afraid to sleep with me. That woman is poison... he is gullible and weak and selfish... sigh... I wish he could see what things really are.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Sorry for your pain. No advice except hang tough and don't take any crap. Good luck. We're here for you.

Posts: 127 | Registered: May 2012
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Sorry for your pain. No advice except hang tough and don't take any crap. Good luck. We're here for you.

Posts: 127 | Registered: May 2012
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

I don't feel tough today. I feel like unwanted crap.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

I'm doing better today... focusing on 180 projects and not on him and why he is so messed up...

I have a date tonight... nothing serious, just going for fun, and to prove to myself that I will not just be waiting for him to pull his head out of his ass... and okay, I'd like him to know that too, but I'm not going to just offer up the info because that makes it seem manipulative. Its not, its just me opening up my life, my horizons, beyond kids and XWBF. I let them be my world, but I need my own world now.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, April 19th (Friday)

I really need to stop looking at facebook... bleh.

The nice thing is, I know anything on fb is really meant for me to see. He's never been the fb pda type, and he could easily have texted her that. He probably heard I had a date last night (through the grapevine which is the only way I want him hearing that sort of thing) and wanted to try to get at me. I feel special. :)

Maybe she even suggested he post that. He needs to figure out that the separated, not yet divorced, so upset over two nights and three months of deluding herself about his friend who is in a relationship that she took twelve weeks off work, went after another taken guy, woman is not who you want to be taking relationship advice from! She's an immature failure!

All but one of his friends hate her. Hated her before any of this. They can't all be wrong about her, I do not know why he can't see that.

I wish I could drag him out of the fog so at least I was dealing with a reasonable person.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, April 19th (Friday)

Because he thought I was trying to get pregnant again. He was afraid to sleep with me. That woman is poison..

I was thinking about how she focuses on that and wondering why. Like is she projecting? Is that her goal so she wants to make sure you don't do it first? Or is it showing some jealousy that you're younger than her? For some reason this is just sticking in my head....


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, April 19th (Friday)

heforgotme, allegedly she cannot have any more children. Actually, XWBF said that as a point against her when he was telling me she was "just a friend"

Two weeks later he was telling me he wanted no more children (too expensive) and wanted a vasectomy. I said I didn't think there was a reason to make such a drastic decision right now but that I wasnt sure I was done having children... so of course I would secretly try to get pregnant immediately!

I don't know why he is so brainwashed... but I hate it, and that woman.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Its Saturday. So he asked to see DS. We met at the mall (he has no car seat and i wouldn't let him take him anyway.) I stuck around to finish my lunch and kissed DS and went shopping. They played in the kiddie place and rode the mall train. He walked us to my car and put DS in. Oh and gave me a CS check. Depositing that asap.

I kept my cool. I was relaxed yet... not focused on him. I think the only time a shadow crossed my face was when I asked him why his hand was scratched up and he said "Oh, she has a cat." I flinched slightly but then kinda laughed. He is not a cat person. He seemed uncomfortable mentioning her. He never says her name.

I think I did well. I am moving on. He already did, so really I am just catching up.

I felt almost high afterwards, very upbeat. I was strong. I was victorious.

The best revenge is to live well.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

He sounds like a delusional piece of crap. I bet the fantasy land he thought he was running off to is already looking more like a nightmare.

I can't believe that he said he would consider going back to you after you worked on yourself. As if he is some sort of prize you lost...ugh!

You're doing a great job! Much better than me at the beginning. It took me a couple of weeks to grasp onto just how full of sh*t my WH was right now. I hope you feel stronger and more secure with every passing day!


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Sadly it helps that this ain't my first rodeo... but this is the worst one for sure. I'm over the shock now mostly and picking myself up.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

I felt almost high afterwards, very upbeat. I was strong. I was victorious.

Too bad we don't have a clapping smiley!

Yay for you!!!


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

HI Rumor Has It,

Just wanted to wish you well in finding support. I do a lot of thinking as you do and have had similar things happen with STBXH. One of the hard parts has been his nastiness to me during S and especially when the A came to light. He turned on me and defends and protects OW to the point of yelling at me-this was months ago, I don't bother anymore.

180 is the best thing I've done since the A occurred. It's believed that my STBXH needed an ego boost and OW did that, so I for sure don't want to be on the other side whining at him or give him more reasons to make up crap about me. That was really hard to arrive at, but I'm getting there.

It was also the hardest thing I ever did to serve him divorce papers, because I'm a "lifer" in marriage. Part of me died on DDay that I don't know if will ever return and he knows that, yet did it anyway.

I also question people at church about WS and the pain they know they will cause but do anyway. I am a church organist though not overly religious and STBXH is an atheist. When we got married I was so young I didn't do a ton of thinking on what the backgrounds really meant or what impact could be had on M.

Anyway...it's my hope that you'll be able to find a confidant, especially a counselor. I finally have a good one who sees the forest for the trees and it was on the very first session she said, "that's one very broken man who hides very well." And she talked about how even though he is physically with OW, he will likely do the same thing to her at some point. He can hang on for years but come crashing down and will turn on those closest to him, with P/A, S/A and narcissisim.

When I learned of these personality traits and terms, it was the first glimps of any knowledge that it wasn't all my fault and really, nothing on this planet would have stopped him.

I don't know if this helps anyway but it takes some of the pressure off myself and trying to berrate myself figuring out what in hell I could have done to save it. That was also one way to ease pain.

I also list things I don't miss or that are really hard when he was around. The critism is a biggie and walking on eggshells is on top of the list.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope you will find some comfort soon.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

Also or P.S., people with such personality traits as NPD, P/A and S/A are some of the ones that have affairs outside their primary relationship because they think that changing the people around them will cure their problems.

This helps them not have to look inside and self-reflect, which for some people is way too hard and simply too real.

SI has some terrific threads with these traits and it's a huge help when the insight comes.

It also helped me with other relationships in my life, mother, sister, brother.

Not all people with those traits will have an A and I don't want this message to read as that, for its not what I meant. It just may be a clue to your WH and some things to read/work on without actually being involved with him.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
rumorhasit
Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)

When he cheated bsck in September, it was less involved, and when I said I wanted out he got upset. He said, No damn it, I want to fix this, I want to work on things! He gave a shit. Not this time. :(


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
Topic Posts: 56