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User Topic: Wife had one night stand and I am having a rough time
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)

Its so crazy, not sure where to post or what to say. I have not told a single person minus talking about it with my wife so this may be a brain dump. Also I don't know all the acronyms here and I am pretty emotional ugh It has been about 6 months since I found out. Our marriage had been going south for a while and both of us had been not attentive to each others needs. I was going through fairly severe depression and she thought our marriage was over.

Some douche bag coworker guy took advantage in her time of need and she slept with him three times in one night, I am told by her a few things #1 that they had made out and not had sex but been half naked and she tried to leave and was at his door leaving but he kept seducing her physically and she finally gave in. She says the first time was terrible and short, but she figured since she had ruined our marriage she may as well have some good sex and they tried a few more times that night and she has told me the sex was pretty good (hard to hear)

Believe it or not, my wife had only been with me previously to this and we had been married 15 years and have three kids, she has been very faithful and I NEVER imagined she could do something like this. Also I had gained a bit of weight and this guy was ex military so I totally feel compared. However I have since lost the weight and now get hit on all the time. So that feels nice. Before I knew what had happened, I felt her pulling away. I am still VERY much in love with her, but she figured once I found out it would be over. I told her (before I knew) that I want a great life and relationship. And I could tell she was hurting very badly. After a few weeks, she basically blurted it out. Took ownership of the entire thing, and was completely broken.

She told me about all of it, about how they used protection and how the third time they had sex the condom fell off and how she thought she was pregnant for a while but was not (I have had a vasectomy) Rough night, but I figured I can't kick my wife to the curb for one bad night, so I forgave her pretty much on the spot. But I told her I would be pretty messed up for a long time and if she could deal with that, she said she could. She obviously had to talk to this guy a few times (given that he thought she was pregnant with his kid) and she worked with him. She did lie to me once about meeting him at the park, but it does seem that it was to shut him down.

Other than that, from what I can tell she has been totally honest. The guy did turn out to be terrible and basically started emotionally abusing her, tried to get her drunk once to take advantage again. Suggest they have sex again multiple times. I think she was flattered, but to my knowledge and belief she only had sex the one night with him. Interestingly enough I had to throw down and run him out because he would not leave her alone, so that was a nice victory. She has since said I was her knight in shinning armor. Also she quit her job to never see this person again. Then called him on the phone and talked to him about all the shitty things he did and that she would NEVER see him again. He tried to contact her on facebook (she had already unfriended) and she told him again to never contact and blocked him. Sadly the job loss did leave us in a bit of a financial pickle, but we can survive for a while on my income. Certainly the right thing to do.

This has been VERY hard on both of us, some nights I wake up and she is saying "im so stupid" over and over. She has cried her eyes out over it as have I. Our relationship has actually gotten MUCH better to the point of fantastic and we are VERY in love. Its pretty cool. However I get god awful triggers from the entire thing. The guy has a very common name and that triggers shit, as well as a common looking truck as well as military things. IT SUCKS. Some times I think about them together and it kills me. My wife and I seem to be having a good amount of GREAT sex now, but sometimes its hard for me. But I have not been with someone else in so long, I wonder if sex feels like sex or if it feels really different with someone else? I have fears that the best sex she ever had was with him. Even though she claims otherwise. I am a VERY confident person and this really shattered that. Sometimes when she kisses my chest or whatever I wonder if she did that with him (probably) My wife has been willing to talk thought pretty much all of it, even though it kills her to have been unfaithful. In fact she has triggers as well, and she now has classic abuse symptoms. I don't want to be sadomasochistic and it almost killed her so I don't want to talk it to death. And it seem she really has done everything right moving forward. But it torments me almost daily. I have not told anyone because I don't want to hurt her reputation, I don't think she should not be seen as a virtuous women because of one mistake.

The entire thing did drive us together and we feel a close bond, so I am confident we will be ok moving forward. We have a lot of work to do. But it seems like it will end up ok. But dear god, how long will these triggers last? When will I stop thinking about it?

Anyway, sorry about the long first post. Thanks for letting me vent.

[This message edited by tdreampol at 10:49 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry you're here with us. This is an awful thing to go through and unfortunately all too common.

The question I kept asking myself while reading your post is: what is she doing to fix herself? Marriages are cyclical. They have their ups and downs. A healthy person weathers the downs because the ups are really worth it. She chose to make an unhealthy choice and cheat. She needs help. You most likely do to as you have experienced a horrible trauma.

It does sound like you have something to work with. She told you what happened and it sounds like she is remorseful. However, action is required to heal from this sort of thing. She needs to figure out why she made that choice (and not the superficial why but the deeper one that is a major character flaw that needs fixing) before she can be a safe partner.

Your curiosity about sleeping with someone else is natural but please don't act on it. Your integrity is the most valuable thing you have and unless you divorce your wife, it is not appropriate for you to sleep with someone else, even though she did.


Posts: 1650 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Certainly, I agree. I have no interest in an affair myself period. Years ago, I never understood them. Even how you could get the opportunity to have one. But now I know how easy it is, and how easy it would be for me if I wanted to. Getting cheated on opens the door to temptation in a different way, I think only a person who has experienced it would understand. I am getting in good shape and am a very outgoing, funny person so I get a fair amount of attention from women now, but I CLOSE THE DOOR. I talk about my wife and make sure everyone knows where I stand.

As far as why did she make the choice to cheat I believe here are the reasons.

And I am sure as most stories goes there is a lot more to them then what is easy to type. So here goes, sorry if it is to much.

#1 She was treated like crap growing up, mom was a manipulator and dad was pretty much absent. They (her and her siblings) did what they wanted most of there lives with very little discipline. My wife, and I am very proud of her chose healthy things most of her life, in general. Everyone makes mistakes as they go, but overall she always wanted better. But the feeling of not being loved by her family was tough at times. Later once we had kids we did actually cut her parents out completely. A VERY health thing.

#2 We got married probably to young and that led her to feel a bit out of control in life.

#3 We pushed each other away allot! She would treat me crappy, not even on purpose and I would shut down. We read the 5 love languages and where not meeting each others needs at all. Hers being physical needs and service, where mine being words and time. We had lots of good sex over the years, but the last few years leading up to the short A our sex life had been just ok leaving her HUGE need unmet as well as my needs for good words. This put her in a place of physical temptation but me in a place of EA temptation big time.

#4 She thought our marriage was over and was heart broken, she often feels like a failure in life and this didnt help.

#5 Her job was basically being eliminated that she had worked so hard for, (the one she ended up quitting early anyway) this added to the feeling that no one wanted her a list that at the time sadly included me. In fact she told me if she was not going to lose her job this would never have happened. It knocked her down to the "lowest she has ever been in her life"

#6 Body issues, she is a stunningly beautiful women and even when she thinks she is "fat" she is not. She does have a c-section scare and a small pooch from three kids and her boobes sag a bit from children but she looks AMAZING even without trying but she focus's on the negative. I have NEVER said anything bad about her looks, but she grew up as "the smart one" and her sister was "the pretty one" but both of them are smart AND beautiful. So when I guy told her how beautiful she was that was not her husband it was like crack.

#7 She stood in temptations way far to long. She knew she should have just gotten out the door, and she didn't this is one of her biggest regrets. But no one is strong enough to resist temptation forever.

So I think it was literally a perfect storm of shit that caused the mindset. We are addressing almost all of these issues one way or another. We have learned very much how to communicate openly and it has truly been amazing. But some days suck SO BAD!


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

She knew she should have just gotten out the door

Actually, she should have never gone inside in the first place. You are painting your WS as the victim here. Stop doing that. By making her the victim you are basically saying she isn't responsible for the cheating. She is. She made the choice to interact with her coworker, be with him and have sex with him multiple times. She needs to own that.

Also, I think there is more to this story, so be prepared for more "truth" to come out.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13707 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

You are correct, and she says that as well. That she went to his house and put herself in that position. So yes I believe she does own it.

Honestly I have not told the entire story, this is the first time I have talked with anyone else about it, so it is kind of poring out.

The long term is that she was hanging out at a bar with a bunch of coworkers. They where all supposed to go to his house to hang out. So she went over there, but no one else came over. He made a move and they made out. Then the next weekend she went over to his house, imo to make out again. Not necessarily to have sex, but then see my first post. I think she wanted to leave me to be with him for about a week while she was "in the fog" then saw in a hurry what a tool he was. All the while I was trying to improve our marriage before I knew anything. So I would say it was a Small EA and Small PA for about 3-4 weeks. With two days of anything physical and one of those days being sex. I believe this is all to the story. And I know that there is now NC and she very much dislikes this person so, that makes life a bit better.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

No, I'm referring to things such as:

1. The sex was bad, so she kept doing it to have some good sex.

Don't think so.

2. The guy did turn out to be terrible and basically started emotionally abusing her, tried to get her drunk once to take advantage again.

How could he do this if they weren't still involved at that time? Again, this is more of the "my wife was the victim" thinking. She participated in this and made the choice to become involved with him.

3. She told me about all of it, about how they used protection and how the third time they had sex the condom fell off and how she thought she was pregnant for a while but was not

It is extremely rare that a woman would get pregnant from this one occurrence of a condom falling off. Most likely, they didn't use a condom at all during their escapades.

Hopefully, you've gone to get STD testing done.

In fact she has triggers as well, and she now has classic abuse symptoms.

What abuse? Be careful she isn't playing you to get you to back off of addressing this. Many do this to maintain control of the situation and a lot of times it works. However, in the end, you are the one who ends up suffering.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13707 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Yes on the STD testing, all clear.

I think the first time he could not really perform and they had a quickie.

She was still working with him and he would come around with their group of friends before she quickly left that group.

No, I don't doubt the condom thing at all. And like I said she had a pregnancy scare. She was a week late and freaked out because of her actions. But she did not get pregnant.

Also at first the guy (divorced) implied to her that he had only been with his now ex-wife, but after they had sex he admitted to having one night stands and all kinds of other things, so yea we got STD tests quick. She really got played, BUT IT WAS STILL HER CHOICE!

The signs of abuse is my observation not hers. The triggers are hers.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

If you didn't know, you'll need more than one set of STD tests done. I believe you have it done, then 3 months later and then another 3 months later to make sure everything is accounted for. Double check me on that though. Unfortunately, there isn't a test for HPV in men(at least in the U.S), so your WS will definitely need to be tested for that and let you know.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13707 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Well we did right away and three months so I would think that's enough. Damn this sucks!

Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

tdreampol

Hey man. My W had a ONS too. Some of the same issues involved. Too many to list.

You are getting good advice, we are all in the same boat here.

While your W is trying to find out why, make no mistake this was a choice. When yo do that it is called minimizing.

This is a very big deal. This is by far the most traumatic thing ever to happen to me. Nothing comes close to this.

Let me just share some solid advice when I first came here.

Take care of yourself. Eat, drink (no booze), rest (best as you can). See the doctor if you have trouble staying even most days. Meds can be a short term godsend. (I am talking from personal experience).

I know this doesn't register right now, but it will make sense later. Your Ws choices are not your fault. Her A was not due to anything you did or didn't do. She has something inside her that "allowed" her to make this choice. It is commonly referred to as "being broken."

The brokenness needs to be addressed if you are ever going to feel safe in this M again.

How ? That is something she needs to do and you can't do it for her. Suggest she post over in the wayward forum to start that journey.

Further down the forums page there is a forum just for BH (betrayed husbands) there a lot of guys who have survived and thrived through this and can give your tremendously valuable advice and support.

I would highly suggest some individual counseling (IC)for both of you. It has helped me a lot.

This happens to a lot of guys. Some of them are hear and are willing to help you. No matter what you think or your W has guided you to think, her A does not reflect on you in the slightest. It was her brokenness that brought this into your lives and as a result she needs to show you why this won't happen again.

FWIW I have not told anyone either. It is lonley at times, but SI provided me a much needed outlet.

Trust me. People just like yourself get through this and are very happy again. I am not all the way there yet, but I see that it is possible now.

I am so sorry your are here, but glad you found us.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Thanks for the support! She seems to have really taken ownership. There has been no finger pointing or anything like that. Certainly a fact finding mission to figure out what happened but we seemed to really be able to talk it through pretty rationally. No yelling at all. Not to say I didnt have some part in not having a good marriage I will certainly own up to that. But it was 100% her choice to do what she did and it seems that she both knows and admits that.

It is tough to find support, my brain seems on fire at times. The images are awful. My job requires that I go by the office he works at sometimes and the triggers are so common (name, vehicle, Military) it is killing me. I think I will get a new job and that we will move away from this town to try and escape the memory (among other things)

Just getting most of it out, and reading things on this site have been REALLY helpful. Dear god, I just want to be on the other side of this. I REALLY needed to know and I am glad she told me and that I didnt find out some other way, but some days I wish I didnt know. If that makes sense.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

some days I wish I didnt know. If that makes sense.

It makes perfect sense. Most of us do that.

Yeah you can own the M stuff 50%, but in my situation the A had to be dealt with first. That is why I suggested IC if you haven't already done that. Some differ in the order, but I would not be M today if I had to discuss my role in the martial difficulties before being in a much healthier place and I had several months of effort and trust building from my W.

Everyone is different and that is why it is good to get advice from multiple people to find out what works for you.

In the beginning it is normal to focus more on OM. It is your brains way of protecting the love you have for your W. Be careful, He is not the problem.

The mind movies are rough, but exercise helps me. Some people have told me to picture a stop sign when getting a mind movies(that never really worked for me)

Does your W comfort you when you have triggers or mind movies ? Or is she caught up in the paralyzing shame that many WS (wayward spouses) feel ? I found my W comforting me or holding me helped. It is important to let her do that sometimes. It helps her feel like she is supporting you through this. And it really helped me.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Thanks, yes sometimes she does and sometimes she is filled with shame and I understand both. We hold each other allot these days and it is very nice.

as far as the OM, I still think about putting a bullet in is head in my dark fantasy's that I would of course never act on. If it would not have hurt my wifes reputation I would have totally kicked his ass up one side and down the other. I may still actually...

Also I have been working out like crazy, this does help. Sadly since I have gotten in shape it also brings attention from the ladies and brings temptation but as I said before I am not interested. However I do drink once in a while, maybe I will stop that. Don't sleep worth a shit most nights.

[This message edited by tdreampol at 4:09 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Aw, sweetie. I'm so so sorry. Dude, I know EXACTLY how you feel. My marriage with my husband was horrible after we had our first kid up until the second one. Yes, he cheated on my with multiple women for over a year and a half. Well, it's a really good sign that 1. she confessed. 2. wants to make it better. But, she does need counseling and so do you. After some sessions, going together would be best. I wake up thinking like I just got in a car accident, thing F**K, did that just really happen?!?! And, yes, it really did happen. I can think of a 100 reasons why my H cheated. I was breastfeeding my baby, sleeping with him bc H worked nights. He was bored bc we go to bed at 8. He worked at a bar. Has his own "daddy" "mommy" issues. But, dude, I should have been the one to cheat, not him. He never helped with the kids, was never around, I worked 12 hour days. We saw him for maybe 2 hours on sat/sun because he was hung over, drinking, or pretending to go to work. Basically, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Neither of us held a gun to spouse and said take off your clothes. I'm so sorry. But, seriously, it sounds like you guys have a good chance at surviving. It just sucks bigtime. Good luck.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

yes, I think we will make it at this point. Thanks for the support and insight. I can't believe how badly I needed to tell someone. She even has said "it feels like a dream" or that "it happened to someone else" so I guess that is a good thing. I wish it didnt haunt me daily and I know it brings her down. If the rolls where reversed I certainly would not want to think about it everyday. But talking it through helps, and so far she has done pretty darn good. I read other stories here and I see it could have been so much worse. This place is fantastic.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

The 'dreaming', & 'someone else' is the denial phase of healing. Just make sure not to shortcut. You will not get past this so much as you will get through this.

Pay attention to lieshurt. She's great at bullshit detecting.

Embrace your feelings brother. If she is truly remorseful, open, transparent, and honest - you got a good head-start toward R (Reconciliation).
I like this thread, hope it helps:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=25460


Posts: 6489 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

TD,

I know well the hell you are going through, and you have my full support to get through this. Know that what you feel today, can change minute-by-minute, it can feel like a roller coaster, and that it is OK if this is a deal breaker for you, even with a fully remorseful spouse.

At first all you want is to get back to normal, you want so much to believe everything can be OK at some time. The main thing here is that YOU heal, and that may mean reconciliation, or ultimately divorce. My point is you are/it is not a failure if the damage done is too much, and you both go separate ways. Simply something to ponder, and either way you have folks support in the lifeline that SI provides in spades.

Best of luck to you, and your healing.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 647 | Registered: Sep 2012
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Thanks, I appreciate that. At this point, I know we can make it. Even though I am still pretty close to dd and this is the first I have talked about it other than with her. I love her very much, we at one point in the past where best friends as well as romantic and it seems both of those elements are coming back in full force. Also I would hate to do that to the kids. I don't know that a day has gone by where I didn't think about it, but some days I feel like "I got this" everything is cool, and then once in a while I have a god awful trigger and mental image and I can hardly function. Most days I walk in between the extremes. Extra hard to do when you have to put up a front and pretend everyday because you can't tell ANYONE what you are going through.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

ok so let me ask this question. Another struggle.

She is terrified that the OM will tell one of her ex coworkers or friends. He promised her he would not but this person is kinda crazy, has PTSD and all kinds of mental issues (yaaaa) Also he has tried to establish contact a few times with even though she made in clear that it was without question NC and that they would never see each other again. He tried to contact her on FB she in two sentences reminded him that it has NC and then blocked him. He once saw her driving in town and basically followed her (our kids where with her at the time) in to a book store. She avoided him and left with the kids immediately. Of course I then threatened hell fire on him in a message I sent him on FB if he EVER tried a stunt like that again. This person plays a part an looks like a good guy at work, but almost everyone that meets him gets a bad vibe. In reality is a pathetic manipulator, and user. He started hitting on one of my wife's good friends at work (after she left her job) and this friend contacted my wife to ask my wife about him and to see if he was a good guy. My wife of course told her he was not (with out the details of course) and my wife does not want to see her friend hurt because of how this person uses women. ANYWAY last week he drove by the house a few times when I was not home (wife told me) I think because my wife got a new vehicle and he is trying to figure out what she drives. I found in her browser history that she looked him and his ex wife up in the internet and looked at pictures of him for a few hours. When I asked about this, she said when he drove by he had someone with him and that she wanted to make sure it wasnt her friend and to see if maybe him and his ex had gotten back together.

obviously for me, her looking at pictures of the OM makes me crazy. I do not believe she has done it before. But WTH? After talking about it my wife said "look, we need a reality check. This person treated me REALLY badly and if you and I didn't work out I would still NEVER go back to him period. I only want good safe people in my life" and I believe her, but maybe I am a fool. Not sure how to handle this. Thoughts??


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

First, I'm sorry you find yourself here. My H had a ONS in July 2010 and that's what brought me here.

Second, I'd be very cautious if your wife does a lot of self-flagellation and not a lot of introspection. See, my H felt like absolute shit after his ONS. To the point that he'd pick up our daughter from daycare and cry all the way home because he didn't deserve to be there like "the good dads." He felt so much shame for his actions.

The problem with that is that eventually, people get tired of beating themselves up and feeling like shit. And when you have a person who has crappy coping mechanisms and they don't work on them, they stuff those bad feelings down and look for ways to make themselves feel better.

So your wife, she felt like shit about herself, and this guy told her she was pretty. And now you're here. Now she feels like shit, she beats herself up. Eventually she'll get tired of that. And maybe you'll still be triggering, and that will annoy her because she's tired of feeling like shit about herself. So she looks for ways to make herself feel better.

That's how I ended up with D-Day 2.

Is she working on herself? Is she going to counseling to figure out better ways of coping when she's feeling down about herself/her life?

I think it's normal to be ashamed but those negative feelings need to be the push to make positive, lasting changes, not just sitting in bed crying and saying that you're stupid. KWIM?

Third: She looked at the OM's pictures for HOURS? Literally HOURS? That's a huge red flag to me, I'm sorry to say. I'm wondering how much space this man is taking up in her head if she's looking at his pictures for hours.

Fourth: Yes, you need to get tested at six months out as well.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 8:18 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6647 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

((((tdreampol))) First of all, I'm very sorry you have a need to be here, but glad you found us.

I have to tell you my antennae are really pinging. I know you feel awful, but the way you're posting concerns me. It's natural to want things to be okay quickly---but the fact of the matter is that this is a shitstorm, and if denial clings for too long, it turns to rug-sweeping---and that is NEVER good.

Your insistence that things are better already worries me. Why? Because you "don't want to be sadistic" and talk about it, primarily.

I don't think you have the whole story. Your last paragraph kind of clinches it for me. Your wife is not NC, if she's looking at pictures. She's still in the affair, at least in her head. She wasn't perusing pictures because she was trying to identify people post drive-by. You know that, right?

Is she in IC? Has she shared all passwords with you? Do you have access to her phone?

There's a lot of focus on how shitty this guy is, and if the things you're being told are true, it does sound like he was a REALLY poor choice of partner, in a male bunny-boiler sort of way.

BUT--I am not sure what you're being told is true. And because you're not talking about it ---with each other and in IC (I'd table MC until you're sure she's a safe partner for you; MC with a WS who's not there yet can be emotionally disastrous for the BS, IMO)--you really can't assess the situation fully.

You say you know the whys. No. The reasons you've listed are superficial. Some are excuses, and some may be contributors. There is something deeper. We all have a list like hers. But we don't all give ourselves permission to have emotional affairs, then go to our affair partners' houses to have sex several times, perhaps without protection. (You do know that the work colleagues weren't going to go there, too, right? That was never the plan---it's the story your wife is telling you, and perhaps herself, to make it more palatable to you. And THAT is what is worrisome to me. As is the assertion that a pregnancy scare resulted from one slipped condom; most of us have learned, the hard way, that "We used condoms" is a lie. And if the lies aren't getting cleared up now, R isn't going to happen.)

You are very eager to put this behind you. And we all get that--because...well, we would like very much to do that, too.

But you can't. You have to go through it, and the process is lengthy. It involves really digging, even when it seems "sadomasochistic."

Communication is key---and you're avoiding it. Please--let me tell you from hard experience that secrets and lies build barriers to intimacy that absolutely preclude any possibility of reconciliation.

If you're not talking, you're not reconciling. Keeping quiet to spare your wife shame is NOT the tack to take. Shame is .... well, a problematic emotion, as Jana described. It stands in the way of healing. It, too, is a barrier to intimacy. (And by intimacy, I am referring to emotional intimacy---you can't have it, be real partners in life, if you're avoiding and denying and tiptoeing around and forgiving what you do not yet know.) Quite often, it is the precursor to further infidelity.

In your shoes, I'd ask for a detailed written timeline of all infidelity-related activities--starting with the first barrier crossed, emotionally, and going through today (again, if she's spending hours poring over pictures online, she's not NC--at least not in her head; that needs to be addressed). I'd gently tell your wife that you know that there's more to the story, and that you want to know it all, because you can't forgive what you do not know. By all means, let her know that your intention is to remain in the marriage (recognizing that, of course, that you do have choices, too---and that one of them is ending the marriage; remember, she has stated that she believed the affair would end your marriage, and had it anyway--and has not really done much work to make herself safe, since).

As for the STD testing. You say you would think 2 tests at 3-month intervals would be enough. Different doctors have different recommendations, but many recommend testing at 6 months, and then at 12 (and sometimes also at 18) months. Followed by annual HIV testing.

The really rotten thing about infidelity is that once you've experienced it, and really processed it, you realize it could be ongoing or happen again. Because your wife is NOT NC (at least in her head), I would err on the side of caution, and go for more testing rather than less.

I know this is blunt, and not what you want to hear---but I am telling you because false reconciliation is common, and yours is showing some signs of falsity. I genuinely hope that I am wrong---but I really think it's important that you take some deep breaths over the coming days, and face this head-on instead of tiptoeing around it. You will never feel safe if you don't---even if your wife never looks at another man again. Worse, your reconciliation will not be complete. It would be a shame if the remainder of your marriage were incomplete because you chose not to really work through because the work was too hard.

It's possible you will learn that you DO have the whole story, and can move forward from there. But if not, you can still move forward constructively.

Millions of hugs to you.

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:43 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8522 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

Well let me clear one thing up, we did and have talked and talked and talked about it. Everyday for months, and after it going on like that for a long time she said look I will work through this with you I just can't everyday so we kind of took a bit of a break. But I absolutely will continue to talk about it.

The picture thing sucks! And I know there is more to it. I do have access to her phone, computer email everything.

I do believe I have most if not all of the relevant details. Please be blunt, don't spare my feelings and I don't want to be a fool.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

Also can you give me a reason that is not superficial?? What am I missing?

[This message edited by tdreampol at 9:06 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

I found in her browser history that she looked him and his ex wife up in the internet and looked at pictures of him for a few hours. When I asked about this, she said when he drove by he had someone with him and that she wanted to make sure it wasnt her friend and to see if maybe him and his ex had gotten back together.

I am sorry man, but I am calling bs on this. NC means mental NC as well. If she is still thinking about POSOM that is not NC. It is clear it bothers you. Her response was "don't worry about it." WTF ! She is not providing you any safety. Despite the words she is telling you, what do her actions tell you ? I mean do you just have to simply trust her again ? Again I have to say that once trust is broken it has to be earned back by being consistent over time. Taking their word for it got us here.

Have you clearly established boundaries for her ? Consequences that go along with breaking those boundaries. It appears she has already established boundaries for herself (that benefit her alone I might add).

What do you need to feel safe enough to begin to work through this. You have every right to ask and receive what you need. Things are not equal in this. She made a choice that hurt you very badly. At that moment it become a whole new relationship. You are allowed and deserve that.

Also the fact she is concerned about a co-worker finding out means she still believes that this can be swept under the rug (partially anyway). What was done is done. No amount of damage control can make this ever go away completely.

I see some red flags here man. Be careful and watchful.

I know this sounds harsh, but I see you in an early stage where it is dangerous for you. Just trying to help you set the tone needed for a successful attempt at R.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

Thanks, not to harsh AT ALL. my head is a mess some days. I am thinking through everything and reading all these makes me wonder about a few issues IE did they actually use condoms at all?

Am I being to naive?

I will write down everything I want to talk about and have questions on still and address them with her.

What kind of consequences do you recommenced?


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

Im sorry,but I think there's alot more to this than she's told you.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7276 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

Can you expound on that statement please?

My heart is dropping.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

There was a pretty good post that Lonelyhusband did in the recon forum (I hope I got that right) awhile back. I think it is still there back a few pages. I'll see if I can bump it for you.

It explains it well. This are highly individualized for for situation.

For example, breaking no contact. If NC is broken (by her) or if OM reaches out to her and she does not inform you, then that means she has to move out until she can agree to this boundary you have.

You both have choices. No one is "required" to work things out. If you have needs that are not being met and she refuses, you can pursue healing in a more independent path. (e.g.-180, S, D, etc.)

ETA: There are also some pretty good articles in the healing library that talk about boundaries too.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 2:46 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

These are a few things that stand out to me.

The long term is that she was hanging out at a bar with a bunch of coworkers. They were all supposed to go to his house to hang out. So she went over there, but no one else came over. He made a move and they made out. Then the next weekend she went over to his house, imo to make out again. Not necessarily to have sex, but then see my first post. I think she wanted to leave me to be with him for about a week while she was "in the fog" then saw in a hurry what a tool he was. All the while I was trying to improve our marriage before I knew anything. So I would say it was a Small EA and Small PA for about 3-4 weeks. With two days of anything physical and one of those days being sex

Okay, here is where I don’t believe her story. I don’t believe she was out with coworkers and that none of them wanted to go to the OM's house. I believe the OM and your WS had planned to meet at his place alone. I believe that they were already having an affair and finally decided to meet to do the deed. Saying she was with coworkers was to throw you off her trail. Going back the following weekend was just to have more fun. There was no guilt involved here.

Also at first the guy (divorced) implied to her that he had only been with his now ex-wife, but after they had sex he admitted to having one night stands and all kinds of other things, so yea we got STD tests quick. She really got played, BUT IT WAS STILL HER CHOICE!

I think this was her “wake up” call to the fact that he wasn’t what he seemed to be. You see, at this point she realizes she isn't that special after all. However, she still wasn’t completely convinced until she did this:

Then called him on the phone and talked to him about all the shitty things he did and that she would NEVER see him again.

I don't believe it was a call to tell him NC from now on. I believe it was a "how could you have lied to me like that, I risked everything for you" call and once she got pissed off she told him never to contact her again.

And the cherry on top for her was this.


I found in her browser history that she looked him and his ex wife up in the internet and looked at pictures of him for a few hours. When I asked about this, she said when he drove by he had someone with him and that she wanted to make sure it wasnt her friend and to see if maybe him and his ex had gotten back together.

He’d already replaced her with somebody else and it got to her. Even if this is completely true, it doesn’t take a few hours to look at pics to confirm anything.


She may be doing everything she is supposed to NOW to fix things, but it doesn't matter if she isn't being 100% honest with you. I'd have her take a polygraph to confirm her story. Her reaction will tell you a lot. Even if she starts confessing to more things, still insist she takes it. They tend to confess some things, but not everything when confronted with a test.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 3:20 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13707 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

If she's gazing at photos of the OM for any period of time at all then she harboring romantic fantasies about him. She is still emotionally involved, but that will fade with time if she maintains NC.

Don't believe the condom fell off; just too clumsy of an excuse. I think she is trying to tell you very indirectly that they sometimes didn't use condoms. Sometimes a partial untruth is acceptable to the WS rather than an outright lie, like saying they always used contraception.

I agree with the others that your WW is in damage control mode; telling you a hygienic story that you will accept without separation, divorce or retaliation. However that's human nature and probably what most WS's will do.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

I fear you guys are correct. But now it feels like dday all over again. The wound is wide open. I hate it. I wish it was easier. I am writing a list of my concerns and questions and we will go over them. She did recently say that if I didn't believe her to call the OM and ask him for confirmation on anything. She still claims it was not a relationship but a tiny EA with almost all physical. Not sure if I buy that or not. They hung out in their group of friends ALLOT, and she even went on a work trip with him alone before it all started(I have confirmed that it was a work trip and her story checks out) to another city for a few hours once and I believe that is actually when the EA kinda started.

I bet she has some feelings left for him and actually I do think that the call she made to him has a NC call, she had already quit her job by then and if she didn't want to end it then I doubt she would have quit and taken every opportunity to see him at work.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

I agree with your assessment that this was probably an affair that started sometime ago with both an EA/PA content.

I also believe that you are forgiving far too easily and readily. She is 'getting away' with adultery and is being greeted with tears and open arms. Your WW needs an intense fright, a realization that she nearly lost you; that the marriage came close to ending; that a repeat of this betrayal will surely end the relationship.

She is minimizing the affair - no big deal; just sex; only 3 times on one occasion. Soon she will demand you stop being immature, let bygones be bygones and get on with life.
Next time your marriage drifts into troubled times...well, she already done it once; like the loss of virginity; why not again.

The trust is gone and this emotional weeping and wailing is no good reason to re-establish that trust. Don't let her get away with trivializing her betrayal or this pain may be re-enacted at a later date.
One further point, your wife was so sure that you were committed to R, even through the pain you are experiencing, that she felt confident enough to tell you that sex with the stud OM was quite good. Rather cruel and unnecessary thing to say and reveals that she doesn't feel threatened by the consequences of committing adultery.

The sex probably wasn't an 'accident'; it was a very enjoyable and sought after experience. Had it not been for the pregnancy scare, who knows if the affair would have ended. As it was, it just brought her to her senses.

[This message edited by OK now at 5:24 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

she even went on a work trip with him alone before it all started(I have confirmed that it was a work trip and her story checks out) to another city for a few hours once and I believe that is actually when the EA kinda started.

If the affair was mostly physical, I would suspect the PA started here.
They hung out in their group of friends ALLOT
and the EA started here.

I think she has regrets over what she has done. Even shown some signs of remorse, but what will prevent it from happening again? What boundaries does she now have.

Looking at pic's for a few hours? A is not over. If she had the chance, in your opinion would she do it again if she thought she wouldn't get caught?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2686 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

@Ok now, I agree, but she did own up to it and told me straight away. several things that she told me about the sex... where that the first time it is REALLY short and "not worth it" but she figured she burned the bridge and went for at least two more rounds and that the sex was "really good" she said is was "good not great" and that it was "sad sex" she also told me my cock was bigger without me asking (nice, but not sure it makes a difference, misperception of men right there but ok whatever) you have to know my wife, she gets this attitude where she doesnt give a shit and will just tell the truth and I LIKE that. She told me they did missionary +missionary with one leg up, cowgirl and doggy (I did ask this and it helped the triggers) Also we had not had good exciting sex in a while, so I think she was saying that was part of the allure. Since she had only been with me, I am sure she wondered what it was like with someone else. But let me tell you what, that statement about the sex being good sure haunts me! I asked her if she had an O with him she initially said no, but that was a lie and she later confessed that she did. OMG that one kills me. It almost seems unfair of course the foreplay was better as he spent hours trying to get her in bed making out. SUCKS! She told me the next day after it happened she met OM at a bar and told him "that can never happen again" and I tend to believe that and her timelines do actually work for when she would come home late ETC.

@545real
not sure, about that, she swears it did not and I am inclined to believe it. As soon as the PA started I knew in my heart that something was going down her behavior changed. I do NOT believe she would do it again. After she did it, she was having nightmares about it, panic attacks BEFORE I knew anything. A strange cycle of excitement and shame I believe. I think she would leave me first if she was to do it again. This is surprisingly comforting. I am very sure the A is over, because with kids and everything we literally are together all the time now that she is not working. We have lunch together everyday ETC. I do not believe she wants to have a relationship with this person. He flat out told her she could move in with him straight away if she wanted to leave me and she turned that down, so she has been given plenty of chances to continue the A but has not. Also of note she is a christian and values sexual purity and it almost kills her that she is now an "adulterer". I have turned away from faith in general and this was part of our marriage issues but certainly not all. I did check again and she did search for OM and his ex many times of a three hour period. That will be addressed tonight.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

Seems sad that you are no longer her one and only. She's no longer a faithful wife and will not be fully trusted again. All for some cheap, empty sex.

I think it would be a good idea not to allow her to rugsweep; let her dwell on whats lost in the marriage. Its never the same after. The mind movies and memories of the betrayal never completely go away and taint the marriage to some extent. Remind your wife of whats she's lost and the hard work ahead, rather than quickly papering over the cracks.

Right now it sounds if your WW is in a win win situation. Her curiosity has been satisfied regarding sex with other men and she got a new, revitalized, loving, affectionate emotional marriage. A reawakened relationship.

I notice she reminded you that the OM stud would let her move in any time she wanted. A threat and warning? Treat her nice and quit talking about this sexual adventure?

You need to see deep intense remorse and its not there yet.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, April 12th (Friday)

No the move in was not a threat at all. It was just part of the discussion about how delusional the OM was. She has no interest in that. She also has no interest in him.


So I wrote down all my thoughts and questions and we had a long talk last night that she of course was not happy about. But we got through all of them. You guys are right, they used NO protection the first two times and then she told OM that she is not fixed nor on birth control and they used a condom the third time but it did fall off. So not much condom use at all.

It does seem like it was pretty much 100% a PA, doesn't seem like much emotion or relationship at all. The first night she said other coworkers did go to his house and came and went and that she had a pretty major buzz going on and they made out and then she left. The second time she went over to talk and figured she would leave if things started happening and but was not strong enough to leave. Within a week after that she was done with him as he turned asshole fast. Because she worked with him she didnt want him to freak out and do something stupid because of his issues. So it wasn't a clean break until she quit her job.

As far as the look at the pictures go, the OM has done some stalker type things and is ex military, has mental issues so when she saw him drive by our house she freaked and felt like she needed to protect our kids and herself by gathering information. In all fairness it was searches between him and his exwife. My wife's explanation is that if something is going down or if he tries something she wants to have some idea. She did go through this with her mom, the stalker type stuff so she may be a little trigger happy. UGH I asked how seeing him in the pictures made her feel and she said "she is amazed she did anything with him, I sure would not pick him out of a crowd." and when I read the threads about affairing down he sure is that. I am better looking, now in better shape, way more accomplished, ambitious, make more money, educated and nicer to her. Its crazy but it does make one feel better, to know it wasn't anything about the OM per se that did it.

Anyway, we got a bunch out in the open and I do believe I have the entire story and I believe it is mostly truthful. Nothing else is nagging at my gut at this time. She is pretty pissed off right now and it really brings her down to talk about it in this depth, and part of me understands but it needed to happen. so one day at a time right.....


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, April 12th (Friday)

oh and it is sad that I could have been her only. and trust me she is VERY remorseful. I can't explain everything well in written form here.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, April 12th (Friday)

Sounds as if your wife may have been bothered about being your one and only; curious as what it would be like with other men. Since you had been with other women before you met your wife?? maybe she thought she ought to experience another partner, even if it were only once; just to level the playing field so as to speak.

That would explain the total PA slant you suspect. If she wasn't looking to fall in love, just enjoyable sex, then you need a reason why she did this.
The sex she had with the OM was very good, how do you prevent a repeat with some other guy?
Assurances of future loyalty seem rather hollow given the sheer casual way she f....d the OM three times in different positions.

Granted she is remorseful she hurt you and imperiled her marriage; remorseful she now is an adulterer and can't be fully trusted; but you need to know that your wife's penchant for a casual fling stops right here and won't be repeated.
She risked pregnancy and disease with her foolishness. Never again should be your mantra.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, April 12th (Friday)

She is telling you lots of things and you believe her. That is OK, but we here have seen this play out too many times not to be doubtful.

What do her actions tell you ? Looking at pictures of OM ? Why not contact the police if she feared for her or the childrens safety. I am sorry, but the story just seems a little too convenient. If he was a mental case what would it matter if he was attached or not ? This in not someone who values fidelity if he knew your W was M, but did it anyway.

I know you desperately want to believe her and that is OK. You have to protect yourself, just in case. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

The discussion was good, but it will take you some time to process. I will point out that the story did seem to change a little. Trickle truthing is common. She still seems regretful she got caught and how this impacted HER life. Remorse focuses more on the impact her choices have had on you and your children. Being ashamed of being an adulterer is just, but it is grounded in regret not remorse. Actions matching words consistently over time are the only true way to gauge remorse.

The A did not almost end my M. Being lied to about the A nearly did.

The saying goes if someone brags about honesty make them pay cash.

Just be observant, and trust but verify.

She has a whole lot of trust she needs to earn back.

Read up in healing library, those articles can be a godsend.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, April 12th (Friday)

So my story is this, I had sex a few times with my high school girlfriend before I met my wife. It was truly not that great as most first times are not. I did initially lie to my future wife about it while we where dating and then came clean and told her everything she wanted to know long before we got married. This was YEARS ago. She had made out with a few guys, but I am the only one she slept with. Honestly I kind of feel like my wife was my first as it was such a different experience and very good. She told me sex with OM was good not great and fun because they (at the time) had no baggage like we do. I guess I understand that.

The OM does not care about fidelity AT ALL and would have been happy to have a ongoing PA with her if she was married or not. Fucking rat bastard!

I believe that she actually does FEAR him doing something, I don't know that it is justified fear as he is the biggest chicken shit I have ever met. I confronted him twice in two different situations and he ran away like a little girl coward both times. One heck of a marine. Can I light his truck or house on fire?

After the talk last night she says she just can't relive it all the time and may find a place to stay for a month just to be away from for a bit and I understand that as well. I told if that is what she needed to heal then it is a good plan. But my triggers and bad days are going to be here for a long time. She knows, and I don't think she is at all interested in leaving the marriage but a break to think and get our heads on straight may be in order. ALSO after thinking and talking about it last night I realized this happened 8 months ago not 6 so I don't want to deceive anyone here. Even though it still feels like yesterday. That is why I was not sure about posting in the "just found out" forum. I hope that is ok, it is the first time I have reached out to anyone at all. So thanks for taking the time to read my insanity!

Also, about the never again thing. I have made that VERY clear. If there is even and online EA I am out, end of story period. She gets one shot to repair the PA damage and we can work on the marriage together. Life is short and I will not be miserable. But I do think we can have an amazing life if we work through this shit.

[This message edited by tdreampol at 11:09 AM, April 12th (Friday)]


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 12th (Friday)

I also so think your marriage will get past this roadblock, but I suspect that if your wife goes away for a month, as she suggested, she may have further adulterous sex probably with the OM.
Good sex [maybe some EA after all] can be addictive. Remember her looking at the OM's picture for a long time - somethings not right here as other SI members have said.
Also you need to stop believing her every word; cheaters lie to present the most favorable image and you have already caught her out on a few lies.

Remember what we said about trust; she's not there yet and to mention going away for a month is a very suspicious statement to make.
Your attitude should be no way; we will stick this out [it can take years]; this is the fall-out from screwing around and you need to swallow the medicine.
At the same time you need to dial back a lot on these conversations and take the pressure off. Use SI to talk with.

I repeat, I think your WW has marriage issues; maybe some approaching mid-life crisis and if she goes away she may very well cheat; discreetly.
In any event you would be very foolish to trust her. Too soon after D-Day.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, April 12th (Friday)

It's obvious that you love your wife very much. It seems like you two can make it through this. It also sounds like your W is setting the boundaries versus you. Here's an alternative to consider.

You and she go away, together, for a week. During that week, you agree to not talk about the affair. The purpose of the trip is to relax, have fun and enjoy each other.

Her moving out for a month seems like the wrong direction to me. It will create distance between the two of you, which seems like the opposite of what your marriage needs.

Good luck.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, April 12th (Friday)

Ain't it funny that she's tired of "re-living" details of her affair with you, yet she can stalk the OM...for hours at a time.
Of course now she needs time "alone". Not good. Lawyer time!

Posts: 1537 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, April 12th (Friday)

Her moving out for awhile is a bad idea. Would you really trust her to be on her own for a month. What are the boundaries if she does move out for awhile. Does that make you feel safe ? She is trying to drive things, make decisions and dictate to you. She lost all those rights as soon as she choose to be unfaithful. If she wants to move out why not call it what it is, a separation and have an agreement drawn up. I got a really bad feeling about this.

If she is able to push the A thoughts out of her head while you aren't around. Sorry man, no remorse there.

She needs a break from this ? Come on. I am sure you would like a break too, but it is next to impossible to not think about it. She is running away from the mess she created and you are letting her.

Has she read any books ? Read anything from here ? Print her out some articles and ask her to read them. Other than talking to you what has she done to clean up HER mess ?

Sorry if I am being blunt, but based on what you have said, I do not see someone who wants the M to work. I think you need to take some steps to protect yourself and family.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, April 12th (Friday)

I agree with OK now.
The two of you need to get away alone, no kids, to reconnect. Don't seperate, that's what it is, a seperation, for a month. It will only make things worse.
She may not see the OM, but he's not the only one out there. And while your at home with the kids, what will your WW be doing? Just keep that in mind.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 454 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, April 12th (Friday)

Well a few things I am very sure of

#1 she is very, very, very done with OM.

#2 that she will never cheat again and will end the marriage first.

#3 I believe her actions have shown that she is very serious about both of these things.

I think the get away for a while comment was just in the moment because of how horrible the topic of conversation was. We do need time alone with each other, very bad. We actually have a great time together just hanging out. But many days the triggers get the best of me and IT SUCKS. I really do now believe I have the entire story. So yes, I will extend trust but check everything. And I also agree that the hardcore talks are a bit much and I will dial that back. Man its tough but things are calming today. Still learning about SI and where to post and what to do on the really bad days.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
Gipper
Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, April 12th (Friday)

I believed #1 and #2 just as you do. Hell, I knew. I was wrong.

Please listen to your head more than your heart for a while. No one on wants this to not work out for you. We really don't. But more importantly, you have many friends on here who want this to work, and have your back. Be careful


Posts: 717 | Registered: May 2011
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, April 13th (Saturday)

Well the OM treated her so terrible that within a week of the night they had sex she realized that she was only a sex object to him and couldn't care less about her. One example, they once meet at a park to go on a walk I believe to talk and for my wife to put the breaks on at least until her and I where divorced, (still in the fog) she found out during that walk one of her good friends had committed suicide and my wife was a mess. She needed a friend and they went to his house, to talk and I am sure she wanted comfort and a friend in the OM. When they get there she says she got no hug, no physical touch NOTHING from OM and he proceeds to get a bottle of whip cream out of the fridge and say "this is for latter" also while they where talking he says "i had a fling with a girl when I was in fl, (work trip) I had to buy her alcohol all night to get her back to my hotel room, all I had to do with you is say you where beautiful" then went to the bedroom and tried to get my wife to follow, of course she replied "i cant do this" and left. She didn't go full NC until after she quite her job because she was worried about him pulling crap at work but she did shut his ass down pretty hard. so I do believe and have no doubt she is done with OM. as far as #2 I am 90% sure I really feel like when a SO does this it goes one of two ways they either do it again or they take their lumps, learn the lesson and never do it again. It really does seem my wife is in that camp.

Also I think I need to clarify the look at photos thing, she look at hundreds of photos really fast, like less than 30 second per photo of OM and of his Ex wife (side note OM has a young daughter how could a guy with a daughter treat women so badly?) so it really does seem more fact finding than a romantic gazing that has been suggested.

Also, thanks for telling even what I don't want to hear it is good medicine! SI is great.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, April 13th (Saturday)

Well the OM treated her so terrible that within a week of the night they had sex she realized that she was only a sex object to him and couldn't care less about her. One example, they once meet at a park to go on a walk I believe to talk and for my wife to put the breaks on at least until her and I where divorced, (still in the fog) she found out during that walk one of her good friends had committed suicide and my wife was a mess. She needed a friend and they went to his house, to talk and I am sure she wanted comfort and a friend in the OM.

This wasn't just a PA. This was and EA/PA. She may have just had sex the one evening, but this was probably building for sometime. His treatment of her did probably yank her back to reality.

Your WW is probably still struggling and waffling between regret and remorse.

FWH told me lots of stuff about OW2 that had some elements of the truth. Like he told her it was over but she just wasn't getting it. (he didn't, he hinted and tried to nice guy his way out of it, was mean to her but still liked the high he got from sneaking around with her).

He looked her and her husband up online, for weeks after NC was established because he was upset that she upheld NC. Not because he wanted to see her again, but because she was supposed to be pining over the loss of her boyfriend.

FWH would tell me a lot of not nice things about her so I would put my focus on her and her stupidity rather than on why he kept breaking NC. Are you sure she is not telling you he is stalking her and was abusive to her so you will be her Knight in Shining Armor, and stop focusing on her cheating.

I'm not saying that, she will not be a model WS. At the moment she is doing a lot of what we have seen in our unremorseful WS. We have the luxury of perspective. You are embroiled in it right now. Its a natural part of dealing with this mess.

Hang in there. This takes time. There is no shortcut, no way around the mess. you can only go through it.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4505 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, April 13th (Saturday)

Its pretty obvious to all of us that you really love your wife, since you seem to be putting her on a pedestal and believing nearly all of what she says.
Just keep working hard at the marriage [your wife needs lots of attention!] and have a happy life. Just don't blindly trust WW in the future and be vigilant.

All the best.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, April 13th (Saturday)

Are you sure she is not telling you he is stalking her and was abusive to her so you will be her Knight in Shining Armor, and stop focusing on her cheating.

This stood out to me as well.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13707 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, April 13th (Saturday)

No, there is no blind trust I verify and question, I will extend trust and rebuild. But way beyond the amount of detail I can put here, I am very sure about the OM and his actions even the small stalking and horrible behavior. I also believe it was a brief EA with mostly a PA. After discussing it here however I do believe the focus has been far to much on him and it needs to move back to me, her the A and our marriage.

In fact after she quit her job see did not contact OM at all. And of course did not see him at work or at all. He contacted her after 3-4 weeks via email and asked how she was doing. She told him to call her ASAP (I was physically present for all of this but NOT present for the actual phone call) She says in that call she went through this list of what he had done horrible to her and that it was to NC forever, period. A month later he contacted her over FB (she had already unfriended him) she told me right away and I was there when she responded again saying NC ever, and even said if he broke NC again that I would be at his door and there would be hell to pay. And then she blocked him. I agree that she is not doing everything 100% but I would say she is 80% there. But who knows if my perspective is worth a shit anyway.

Another thing that we have discussed is that she grew up with this type of emotional abuse throughout most of her extended family and she said that almost right away the OM seemed familiar in some way to her. Later see realized that it was the abuse that was familiar and not him per se. So I do believe there is something much deeper at play here.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

Also I want to add that I do feel that my wife actually wanted to have more of an EA than OM was capable of. She has said and I believe her that she wanted to find out if he was a good guy, and that the two of them just really messed up. I guess that would be easier to swallow than she was a sex object or "target" and that he used and manipulated her so he could get sex and status and didn't care about her well being, And honestly I understand where she is coming from.

But she found out in a hurry what kind of guy he was, and then it does appear she was out from the A in a hurry!

Believe it or not, the fact that she wanted more of an EA actually makes me feel better in a strange way.


Did I mention I am fucked in the head right now?? ha


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

No contact should be no contact. She's told him she wants nothing to do with him so why keep replying (contacting) to say no more contact- know what I mean?

If my wife reponded in any way at all I'd be angry. No contact means NO contact.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

The final thing on FB was more to put the fear of god in OM that I was a real threat to his physical safety. It made me feel better and it was agreed on by both my wife and I. Wise or not IDK but there will be nothing but ignoring from here on out. although I don't know how he could get in touch with her other than in person.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

She told him to call her ASAP (I was physically present for all of this but NOT present for the actual phone call) She says in that call she went through this list of what he had done horrible to her and that it was to NC forever, period.

Why did she tell him she was breaking up with him because of all the bad things he did rather than she betrayed her BH and she was going to focus on you and her M.

OM doesn't have to honor NC. Your WW does.

Believe me we get it. Its tough to look at our WS and realize who exactly they are.

Focus on you and what you need. Your WW needs to figure out how to get healthy on her own. Part of that would be IC to deal with her FOO issues. I know mine still does.

Hang in there.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4505 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

For what it's worth- I agree with Isadora.

Otherwise it's like- well if he'd been nicer she'd be with him.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

She did tell him that as well. That our marriage and rebuilding with me after the A was primary concern and rebuilding trust ETC. He actually said to her "I hope you are married for 50 more years" but yes, man there is so much detail you just can't type. But Thanks for the thoughts, they are SOOOO helpful! and yes I think some IC and MC would be good for both, just need to raise the funds a bit.

I think the phone call was also a way to face her abuser in a way. Does that make sense?

[This message edited by tdreampol at 12:33 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

One thing that stands out from your posts is the inordinate amount of attention you pay to the OM. Your WW did not love this guy; she may have liked him a little but that is as far as it goes.

Ok....She had enjoyable unprotected sex with him three times, risking pregnancy and disease and if he hadn't been a complete loser and jerk she would have had more sex with him and developed a EA at the same time.

Your problem is not the OM, [that could have been anybody and you're lucky he was unsuitable], your problem is why did your wife do this? What was seriously amiss with her perception of your marriage that she could walk out and cheat with someone she did not care for? Was she unhappy and why? Is she dissatisfied with her choice of husband? does she want out of your relationship?
Those are the questions to answer, not focussing on whether the OM is a stalker or not. Or whether she would f.ck him again if she had the opportunity.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

Yes I agree, to much time on OM but man it gets to you doesn't it? When i first read about A's I didn't understand how traumatic they really where. I think we had been unhappy in our marriage for a long time, both of us. At one point we had been best friends but life really got to us.

As of now, I am certain that she does not want out of the marriage as is happy with me as a husband. Giving her the gift of R also seemed to really up the love for each other as well.

To be completely honest, I don't know that she would have done anything more with this guy even if he wasn't a looser. Maybe I am being dumb, but it does seem like a perfect storm one time huge mistake. Not saying she doesn't have lots of work to do to fix things, IDK.

Man when does it get easier??


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

The irony of all this, which I am sure you already appreciate, is that you have to maintain a loving affectionate relationship, full of validation, even though you would prefer to be angry and hostile as a reflection of your pain.

Either that or drive you wife into the arms of another OM. Just doesn't seem fair does it. Apply the 180, sleep in another bedroom, no affection and she would probably eventually leave.

Thats why I think you're doing a good job rebuilding your marriage and laying off talking so much about the betrayal. Just don't slowly revert back to the bad relationship and you will be OK.

You have to live with the images of her with the OM; she has to live with her unfaithful wife status, reduced trust and the permanent stain she has visited on the marriage. Also the undermining of her christian principles. You are probably better off.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

I'm going to disagree. Tdr will not drive his WW into another A by talking about it. He doesn't have that kind of power. She chooses to remain faithful or she chooses to cheat.

He needs to put his own needs first now and if that means getting angry then so be it.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4505 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

ha I agree with isadora again- if it's even possible to drive her into the other bloke's arms- what are you doing? You definitely need to do what you need to do to help you right now- it's clear you're hurting badly so you need to concentrate on you instead.

[This message edited by idiot85 at 6:13 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

No, I am not at all worried about driving her in to the arms of another. And after all this, if she wants to go i will let her. My plan is to work on myself, help both of us heal. Work on our marriage. Tell her I don't want to her to leave, in other words let her know I love her. But never begging or anything like that. If she still want's and A or another man, then i'm out. One chance at R is what is given. I can't do another. This is all very clear to her, and she is very thankful for the chance. But no, she will never go back to the AP, I have no doubt of that. Not even a relapse. and yes, I will never treat her badly or be cruel. But I will put myself and our kids first for a long time.

[This message edited by tdreampol at 7:15 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
tdreampol
New Member
Member # 38933
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

so hurray, looks like I am triggering like crazy tonight and get the movies. so exciting!

the stop sign thing works for the small ones, but not the really bad ones. any advice?? :(


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2013
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

If she's truly remorseful, talk it out. If she's sleeping, wake her. Her CHOICE to start all this. Dealing with the fallout is merely one of the consequences.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2686 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

No there is no way to stop all triggers, you have to ride them out and just not fight them. Talking it out helps


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4505 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Topic Posts: 67