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User Topic: A Day in the Life of a F.W.S.
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

The question is frequently asked, "How does the WS feel? What is going thru their head? What do they feel? What do they fear? Are they sad all the time? Are they happy? Do they feel guilt? Do they feel second class? What is a WS all about!?" The answers are I'm sure different for many. After all, each person is unique. And I welcome other FWS comments and views.

Weekend or days that Mr. Aubrie have off work are the worst. And best. *sigh* It's complicated. Here is a glimpse into my life, a year and a half past Dday and into R.

I'm not a morning person. Hate early mornings. Hate alarms. I wake slowly and over the span of a couple hours. Sunday mornings are murder. Mr. Aubrie always beats me up. He is my alarm clock. Generally as the sunlight is peeking thru the window annoying me and forcing me out of my deep sleep, I smell fresh coffee and hear the mug scrape across my nightstand before I even open my eyes. I smile. He brought me coffee. He knows I hate mornings and he always fixes my mug every Sunday morning. He's such a doll.

A small pain squeezes my heart. Before my eyes are open, I remember how selfless my husband is. That he does these sweet gestures for me, even after the hurt I have inflicted upon him. I shake the feeling off. I don't want to ruin a good day. He is here with me now. I'm working to be a better person. I'm not who I was a year and a half ago. Today is a new day.

He slides back in bed and I roll over into his arms. I finally force my eyes open and he's watching me. His eyes crinkle as he smiles. He whispers, "Goooood mooooorning Babe." I roll my eyes. He laughs and pulls me closer to him. Morning breath and all, he accepts me. I stare into his eyes in wonder and awe. This man has shown me so much love. So much grace. Forgiveness. Compassion. I feel about 2 inches tall. I give him a quick peck before racing for the toothbrush and shower. We gotta get going.

Dressed and hair done, we're ready to leave. He grins and says, "Gosh, you look so nice today. Your hair is perfect." I adjust his tie and breathe in the scent of his cologne. Makes me so weak in the knees. Every. Time. Another kiss and we're out the door.

As we drive, the kids chattering in the backseat, Mr. Aubrie telling me the latest scores from whatever game he was watching, my mind starts to drift. Life is so...normal. Yet it's so...different. We're different. "Aubrie...?" My mind snaps back. "I'm sorry...what?" He sighs. I've done it again. Caught up in my mind, the thoughts swirling. I tuned him out. Way to go me. Not listening is part of what got me in this mess. I see in his eyes he's annoyed. "I"m really sorry. I got caught up in some thoughts. Please tell me again." He sighs and starts over. I pay attention and start truly listening even though I don't know the difference between the Cardinals, Ravens, Black-hawks, Eagles, or whatever other bird team he's talking about.

It's so hard to concentrate anymore. My mind wanders in a thousand different directions all at once. I struggle with focusing. My memory is worse. It frustrates those around me. I'm trying to improve. To slow my mind. Massive work in progress. Well...I think there is progress. Maybe a slight progress.

We get thru Sunday School and church service. Of course the subject of fidelity it brought up from time to time. It's church, right? On bad days, he reaches for my hand, or I rest my hand on his leg. The moment is usually short and fleeting. We're stronger. We can do this. During closing prayer, he always places his hand over mine. In that moment, I feel strong, safe, loved, and treasured. That is my favorite part of the service. His hand over mind during closing prayer. My heart sings every. time.

We go to lunch with friends, then go home for the afternoon. On nice days, the kids play outside. They make us laugh with their antics. And as I'm sitting there watching them play, watching Mr. Aubrie laugh and interact with them, my body convulses in a full body shiver/cringe and screams, "How could you be so STUPID!?" The kids don't notice, Mr. Aubrie doesn't notice. I fight back the panic. "You were so stupid. Yes you were broken. But seriously!? How dumb can one person be!?"

Deep breaths. I coach myself. "Pull yourself together. You know why you did what you did. You know what lead you to that point. You are moving in the opposite direction now. Just. Be. Enjoy your family. You still have them. You're doing the hard work. Everyone makes really stupid choices. You learned a terrible and valuable lesson. Don't let the guilt consume you. Keep walking Girl."

I shake myself, and walk into the house to get the fixin's for s'mores, planting a big, wet kiss on my husband as I walk past. He looks shocked for a moment, then a sly grin crosses his face. I shake my head, "No. I'm getting dessert together, keep an eye on the kids." He huffs in mock consternation, and goes back to his book.

As I gather things together for dessert, my mind wanders again. "I was willingly throwing all this away. My kids, my husband, me, everything. I was hiding secrets. Pretending to be something I wasn't." I reach across the counter to the laptop and quickly refresh the SI page. I see a new post. Looks like we have a new WS on SI. I scan their thread. *sigh* I call out the kitchen window, "Babe...gimme a sec. I'll be out in a bit."

Turning my attention to the laptop, my fingers fly over the keyboard, forming a reply to the thread. I whisper a prayer that the person on the receiving end is open to my 2x4s and comments, as well as the other people's responses.
That they're not on SI just to please their BS. That they aren't faking this. That they genuinely want to be healthy. Fingers crossed. Submit.

Mr. Aubrie meets me at the back door as I come back outside. He already knows. He recognizes the look in my eyes and asks, "What's the story?" I tell him quickly, and add my view. "I said the *same* thing. It's bologna. They just don't realize it yet! I hope they *do* realize it." He nods, makes a couple comments, then swallows me up in a bear hug. "God, I love you. I love who you are. You have changed so much!" My heart melts.

Bedtime rolls around. We tuck the kids in bed. Mr. Aubrie gets in the shower. I lean against the bathroom counter and we chat about the day. Our dreams. Our hurts. And other random tidbits that come to mind. He steps out, reaches for his towel, and leans in and brushes a kiss across my lips as I step into shower. The realization hits me all over again. He really loves me. His every day words and actions proves that. I love him. I've fought the ugly parts of myself, and continue to do so. The changes made are making me a better, safer person. We've been thru hell, and we're fighting our way back.

It hurts. To know what I did. To see where we have come from. But it's joyous too. Look where we are now, how far we've come. It's bittersweet.

I feel sorrow, guilt, shame, horror at what I have done.
I feel joyful, peaceful, loved, more healthy.
I feel like a prize.
I feel sub-par.
I feel fear that one day, he'll change his mind and leave.
I feel confident that he'll stay.

And yes, sometimes I feel all of that at the same time.

Another day in the life...


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Finally10
Member
Member # 36900
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Wow, just wow; beautifully well written... Thank you so much for this. It is so helpful to see things like this when I start heading to that dark place where I feel so much guilt and shame for what I did.

Thank You


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2012
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)

A small pain squeezes my heart. Before my eyes are open, I remember how selfless my husband is. That he does these sweet gestures for me, even after the hurt I have inflicted upon him. I shake the feeling off.

This man has shown me so much love. So much grace. Forgiveness. Compassion. I feel about 2 inches tall

These two things really resonated with me. I have felt the same way, even though we are madhatters. Especially before Hlessons started his EA. He was always so gracious with me, similar to your H. Kept a lot inside, and like you I tried to determine how his healing should look.

I have triggers of my own, doubts, wondering if I am doing enough. Then I do a self inventory and really examine where I am. Where we are. I have learned to let go of the outcome, I love him now for the man he is becoming, and I am learning to love myself for the person I am becoming. That is the harder task. Finding that self forgiveness.

The knowing that you were that person, sometimes it is a heavy load. Some days I put down, others I pick it back up.

Great post Aubrie.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5079 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
unforgivable5
Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Wow. Thank you for posting this. That's all I can say. Thank you


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Very well penned down! Made a good read!


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

As a BS, I wanted to thank you for this post, Aubrie. Many times I wonder if he thinks about it at all... this is a very good reminder for me that he probably struggled as well.

Kudos to you for putting it out there and for acknowledging your feelings and then putting one foot right back out in front of the other. Mr. Aubrie should be very proud of you.

By the way, I agree that he is a doll.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 467 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Aubrie your post left me speechless...I want to share but I feel it would detract from the beauty of your words...keep doing what your doing because your doing amazing.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

(((Aubrie))))

I postively adore you. As I was reading your words I can clearly remember that squeezing of my heart whenever I think of how generous and kind MH is and all the pain I put him through.

You are a wonderful person...keep moving forward


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198332 | Registered: May 2002
needhelp123
Member
Member # 38109
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

That was great. Thanks for posting!


Me: 47 BS: Cheerless (not giving her age)
DDay 12/31/12
30 days of TT WRONG - try 17 months
2 great teenagers
I had a LTA - EA and then PA. Escalated in 2012.
Never Giving Up Hope
The secret of life is to "die before you die" - Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 92 | Registered: Jan 2013
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Thank you for posting this. I have wondered how often WH thinks of what he did during a regular day.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 466 | Registered: Apr 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Thanks for the feedback y'all.

Unagie, you can totally share. That's why I started this thread.

DS, you say you remember those squeezes. Do they ever really disappear completely? I'm not rushing this process but I'm genuinely curious...those squeezes actually become a memory and not a reality?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

I don't think they ever really go away. Sometimes when I see MH doing something for me or working so hard, I just ache inside knowing how badly I hurt him.

It's not all the time or even a daily thing...but it's there and I'm pretty sure it's part of me now. And in reality, that's really not a bad thing. I just wish my genuine appreciation and respect (obviously love) for him didn't come at such a high price to pay.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198332 | Registered: May 2002
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Ok, I was fixing to say...if she says "yes", I think I may start believing in fairies and unicorns after all.

I just wish my genuine appreciation and respect (obviously love) for him didn't come at such a high price to pay.

I hear you loud and clear.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

You're doing great honey...you're so focused and trying so hard, it will all be worth it in the long run


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198332 | Registered: May 2002
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Thanks DS, I really appreciate that.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Wow. You nailed it.
I know you wanted others to share, but I can't think of anything else to add. Not yet anyway!


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Thank you Aubrie. Really. For putting those words out there for us.

I recognize the squeeze in the heart...it comes with the lump in my throat and a few tears every time I think of the love and generosity of spirit in my BH.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1500 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
PippaPeach6
Member
Member # 37523
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

In awe. Beautiful.


Us: 50ish, madhatters, married 20 odd yrs
TT: May 2009 'til June
DDay for both: June 17, 2009
Me: 2x, same person, 1991
Him: 1.5 year PA (EA?) 2007-2009
Reconciled

Honey Badger don't care. - Randall


Posts: 386 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Flyover chic
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Thank you. Something like this really helps me understand what my W goes through.

Really, really helpful.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2559 | Registered: May 2010
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

I can't wait to meet you, Aubrie. I want to shake the hand of someone who has been an inspiration and a source of knowledge to so many.

Thank you for writing this.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 801 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Awwww Aubrie, that was a great post. I admire your way with words.. just so beautiful, soft, intellectual and insightful like a published author.. and then your other side that can be packed full of 2x4s with humour that only a remorseful WS can lightly chuckle and relate to.

As I gather things together for dessert, my mind wanders again. "I was willingly throwing all this away. My kids, my husband, me, everything. I was hiding secrets. Pretending to be something I wasn't." I reach across the counter to the laptop and quickly refresh the SI page. I see a new post. Looks like we have a new WS on SI. I scan their thread. *sigh* I call out the kitchen window, "Babe...gimme a sec. I'll be out in a bit."

This brought me back to my first day on SI. You were the 1st one to post on my thread. I was that new WS.

Turning my attention to the laptop, my fingers fly over the keyboard, forming a reply to the thread. I whisper a prayer that the person on the receiving end is open to my 2x4s and comments, as well as the other people's responses.
That they're not on SI just to please their BS. That they aren't faking this. That they genuinely want to be healthy. Fingers crossed. Submit.

That was a dark time in my life.. I was not on SI to please my BS. He had no idea about my affairs. I didn't know what healthy looked like. I wasn't faking it but had no idea if I was ready to accept what would be said to me and I crossed my fingers that finding the wayward section on SI would be a life saver. I remember the morning.. I had frantically looked for an IC in my area and to my surprise, they had a free appt in 2 days and I booked it.. Cancelled my Ashley Madison account. Somehow stumbled onto SI through my other google searches which is a miracle of some sort.

You were so kind to me and answered some of my questions, naturally pointed me to the Healing library. I felt relieved that someone was there, not shredding me to pieces in my fragile state. I stuck it out on SI for the next few days which was enough to hold me accountable to keep my IC appt. I wanted to run and scream for the hills, try to push my affairs out of my mind. Logging back to SI each and every day was a reminder there are people that know what I've done and will help. I cannot hide, shouldn't hide and can get the support if I embrace it.

Oh man I wish I had more time to type out my thoughts... My day in a life of a FWS is definitely an interesting path these days.

Nearly 7 1/2 months pregnant.. dealing with a crazy family.. learning about boundaries in all aspects of life. Learning to be a wife that I should have been. Remembering that I'm so very lucky to have him and the thought that I almost lost him is terrifying. He has been awesome and we keep growing together. I feel guilt every day and I remember where I have come from and where I am now and where I want to be. Striving to be a better person in all aspects of life.

Thank you SI. I haven't been posting as much but always taking time to read every day. Reflect, think about how I need to handle current problems better..


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jul 2012
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Okay I'll share....here goes.

Everyday I wake up and look at the ceiling and calm my racing heart. I look at my phone where if I unlock it there is probably this site pulled up ready for a refresh or there is a picture or text exchange with SO that managed to calm my heart before I fell asleep. I shower, I grab something to drink (eating right after waking up makes my tummy hurt), turn on the tv and plan my dah. Through all this my mind is racing through the past few months, through fears, triumphs, tears and smiles. My phone dings and I look down smiling as I see the message from my best friend telling me to smile or feel good for the day. I sigh at that point as the reasons why my smile is no longer as ready hits me again. Sometimes I cry at this moment, sometimes I take a deep breath. I go for a walk and take in the day whether it be cold, snow, rain I need fresh air and sunshine on my face and allow my mind to clear for a precious few seconds. If its wednesday my friend is texting me asking if we are going to tango class. This is always answered with an absolutely as it takes me away from it all.

By this time its mid afternoon. I've cleaned up, studied, and have gotten ready to leave for tango in an hour or so and SO calls. Just seeing his number makes my heart melt and constrict at the same time. I hear his voice and my heart races, not from guilt or shame or any of the mess were in, simply because his voice has always made my heart race. We talk about meeting up for a date later in the week. He tells me of my dogs antics and holds the phone out so I can "talk" to her. We avoid the obvious topics and instead enjoy each other. We hang up not wanting to and I get my tango shoes and leave. I dance, I laugh and talk. I update my friend on how I feel and she hugs me and takes me for dinner. More laughter, some introspection. We always talk about our relationships and how we feel. We go back to the house and talk until she goes to sleep. I stay up, only total exhaustion allows me to sleep so I watch gypsy sisters or la hair or pawn stars. SO calls, he can't sleep either. Now in the dark we talk about us, our fears, our wants, our love. We hang up unsure of where we are but knowing we are no longer stuffing. I leave the tv on and come onto SI. I laugh at somethi g aubrie has posted, that light chuckle as someone said only another remorseful WS would be able to do. I cringe from some of the BS posts feeling that all familiar pain from knowing I caused that type of pain to someone else. I see a post from UO ooooo I have to read it, she makes me feel more intorspective, down to F&G did silver post on the unscramble thread...is there something to make me smile? Oh look a kitty pic, that'll do the trick. I smile and one last time for the day think of where I am as I lay on an air mattress on the floor. I think...I made it another day. I survived, I smiled, I laughed, I danced and he and I are still trying...today was a good day. Then I close my eyes finally exhausted and drift off.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
remorseful72
New Member
Member # 38496
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Thank you so much for posting this. I was moved and couldnt have said it any better than you. Life for me seems at a standstill. We are a little over 4 months since DD. My BS is not sure if she wants to R or D. The positive is she is still here. It gives hope that life after an A and moving into R can be a positive experience. It is so hard to see that right now. I have worked so hard to change myself through IC, books and MC. I also have realized I dont want to follow the same destructive path I was on. I couldnt help but feel emotional when you said "I was willingly throwing all this away. My kids, my husband, me, everything. I was hiding secrets. Pretending to be something I wasn't." Post A and what I call the "slap in the face" this is more apparent. What I stood to lose. For what???
I was also greatful that I am not the only W that begins each day with the guilt and pain that "squeezes" my heart. Unfortunately, it lasts most of the day since this is still all very fresh. She hurts...I hurt. It is very difficult for my BW to understand how someone who hurt her so deeply and damaged so much could be so remorseful and saddened. I was never really and emotional person and now my emotions are on overload. I truly feel things now and care about other peoples feelings.
Your statement "We've been thru hell, and we're fighting our way back." gives hope and inspiration to fight.
I hope you dont mind but I am going to copy your "I feel" statements at the end of your post in my IC notebook as an inspiration to keep fighting.
Thank you so much!!!

Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2013
rosebud09
New Member
Member # 38568
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Thanks for sharing this. It is absolutely beautiful.


Me- BS
Him- WS
3 beautiful children
DDay- 2/20/2013

One day at a time...


Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Thanks again everyone. You all are so kind.

Oh yes, the lump in your throat as you fight the tears. I know what you speak of knightsbff.

KBeguile, G2G in 1 month. There'll be a whole group of SIers to meet. Should be fun.

This brought me back to my first day on SI. You were the 1st one to post on my thread. I was that new WS.

I remember. My first thought was, "Dang, she's a firecracker. This could get bumpy."
I wanted to run and scream for the hills, try to push my affairs out of my mind.

We sensed it. Many of us have been there. It's hard digging in. It's hard facing this. The "easy" way out is to run. So glad you stayed and stuck it out. It's been cool watching you grow in your time here.


(((Unagie)))
You can do this Girl. You've come a long way and faced alot of crap. Chin up. We're rooting for you.

"I was willingly throwing all this away. My kids, my husband, me, everything. I was hiding secrets. Pretending to be something I wasn't." Post A and what I call the "slap in the face" this is more apparent. What I stood to lose. For what???

Right!? An ego boost. A pat on the head. Validation. From an AP that didn't really care for me one iota to begin with. Who said from the very beginning that he would never leave his family for me. That openly said, we were just a "fix" for one another.

Unfortunately, it lasts most of the day since this is still all very fresh.

It does ease. I promise. Those early days are a killer. I could not breathe, couldn't function. Shoot, neither of us could. I'd read posts on here and think, "Pshhh, yeah right. What a crock. There will neverrrr be a day when neither of us won't cry." I was wrong. Time is the terrible, wonderful word. Healing comes. In time.

I hope you dont mind but I am going to copy your "I feel" statements at the end of your post in my IC notebook as an inspiration to keep fighting.

Don't mind at all.

(((SI Family)))


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
rcantbleveit
Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

It's so hard to concentrate anymore. My mind wanders in a thousand different directions all at once. I struggle with focusing. My memory is worse. It frustrates those around me. I'm trying to improve. To slow my mind. Massive work in progress. Well...I think there is progress.


During closing prayer, he always places his hand over mine. In that moment, I feel strong, safe, loved, and treasured. That is my favorite part of the service. His hand over mind during closing prayer. My heart sings every time.

I fight back the panic. "You were so stupid. How dumb can one person be!?"

Deep breaths. I coach myself. "Pull yourself together. Just. Be. Enjoy your family. You still have them. You're doing the hard work. Everyone makes really stupid choices. You learned a terrible and valuable lesson. Don't let what he did consume you. Keep walking Girl."

He willingly threw me & my family away for another family. He was hiding secrets. Pretending to be something he wasn't."

I feel sorrow, guilt, shame, horror at what he did.
I feel joyful, peaceful, loved, more healthy.
I feel like a prize.
I feel sub-par.

I am the BS and have experienced some of the same feelings you have. I can see my X doing all those things your H does for the OW because that's how he was with me. I have been pushed back, Both of them living out their lives as if I never existed.


Posts: 227 | Registered: Dec 2010
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, April 11th (Thursday)

Wowsers! That put a smile on my face! Beautifully written too... If I did emoticons, I'd do a big smile!


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

Aubrie:

I remember. My first thought was, "Dang, she's a firecracker. This could get bumpy."

LOL yeah I was(am) a bit of a firecracker.. I guess I made a bit of an entrance. You're right, it was definitely bumpy but you were a major support system and I couldn't have done it without you!

Yesterday was a good example of a day in the life.

For his 5 week course (he's on week 3) My Bh wakes up for school every day at 5 am. We are big cuddlers in bed when we awake in the night, we snuggle up.. His alarm went off at 5, he says sorry gotta go. He kisses me good bye and I happily sleep for another 2 hours until 7ish..

I awake after a few snooze hits to the alarm. Our beloved 8 yr old Lab X Pittbull dog knows the routine and I find him staring at me to feed him and let him outside. I start coffee to have my 1 daily cup and pour some cereal for breakfast. I usually will sit down on the couch and take a peek at SI on my iPhone and check my work e-mail for any morning emergencies. Do some reading / replying and turn on the TV.

I lose track of time some days and realize that I need to shower, get ready for work.. Well all I have to do is go to my computer desk and begin my day.

I easily get distracted by SI but work has been so busy that it seems I can only read and think but often when I try to reply, I run out of time. I read Aubries post here.. Shed a few tears when I reflected upon everything. Wow, I really screwed up my life. Will I ever be trusted again? Was my As a deal breaker but my BH doesn't know about it yet? I say that because maybe I really did ruin our marriage, and we are having a baby in attempts at true R but down the road, he realizes he is more hurt than he lets on now. I see all the time where a BS tries to R but the damage was so strong and love just hasn't been enough.

I decide to reply to the post but by the time I was able to finish a somewhat pieced together thought, it was about 3 hours from the time I started the post and hitting submit. Not exactly an ideal time frame for replying to posts.

Not just work has been the hurdle but learning boundaries has been a major task in my life. As I've posted on here before, my mother seems to be invading every aspect of my life. On Monday, I put my foot down and told her no to 2 things. She freaked out and went into a frantic rage for days. Pretty soon all my friends knew about it since she was sending them messages.

Yesterday, I think I had a breakthrough and feel awesome about it. I reinstated my boundaries that I'm trying to set and help her feel that it is ok and that I still love her. My mom through her tears and screaming, tells me again how depressed she is. I ask her to see a counsellor. How her grand daughter deserves to have a happy grandma. My mom is sooo in love with my baby to be and is putting too much focus on it. With my brothers drug addiction and my dad's conflict avoidance, the situation is very messy. I have been mainly NC except for a few visits a month. That has helped but also putting strains in the relationships. So to say my life has been easy with my family would be wrong...

Near the mid-afternoon, my BH comes home from school. I'm still working and ask him to keep it down while I'm on the phone with clients. He rushes off to the gym to work out with his buddy. He's been quite proud of his body building efforts and never misses a moment to flex his bigger, stronger muscles to me. I'll take those times to flirt with him, be all impressed with his biceps. Fawn over him so to speak.. I remember how lucky I have him in my life. He takes time to connect with our baby in my belly and then goes to shower. I get back to work and feel happy about resolving some issues with my mom and how funny my husband is about his gym efforts.

The work day was done.. I start up dinner. We now have a routine of eating at a table without watching TV. Yeah I know, easy shit but we just removed the coffee table in our living room and now we can't sit on the couch and eat dinner there. It's been a great thing and we enjoy our new routine. But inevitably, we must turn on the TV as it's 6:30 and our hockey game is about to start. Both of us were born in different provinces/cities which makes us fans of different hockey teams. Well, sometimes that makes for an interesting night. We have fun banter back and forth when our fave team scores on each other. I'm the Canucks fan and he's the Flames fan. Not exactly a match made in heaven for any hockey fans out there that can relate

In the 3rd period, I laugh at every moment I can when the Canucks were scoring on the Flames every few minutes there. My BH gets a little upset and turns off the TV while I cackle from the kitchen washing up some dishes.

He calls up his parents and talk to them. They live out of town and we only see them 1-2x a year. One thing I love about him is that he is always great at calling his parents and they are a breath of fresh air because they are so easy going and welcome me to their family as the daughter they never had (and well they are the parents I don't have lol) he passes the phone to me, I chat with both of them for a a while. Then I let them go so we can take the dog for a walk before it gets dark.

We go for a walk holding hands, laughing about funny things and talking. I felt so happy to have a break from the rain and have my man by my side while we walked through the neighborhood.

We get back home and settle in for some relaxation on the couch. We talk about the rest of the day and then I find him passed out on the couch.. Poor guy is tired. I smile at him and laugh. Usually it's me that passes out (pregnancy takes its toll). I drag him to bed and we snuggle up before falling asleep.

Yesterday.. it was a great day. Did I have moments where I cried? yes. I think my hormones do not help my cause but they keep me humble in the journey in R with my BH. I enjoy the little things that we do together. I do fear that I have damaged our marriage and have unrepairable problems. I finally can see the 2-5 year time frame to be accurate. I know that he loves me very much and I do as well. He is growing up more every day. I'm impressed by his decisions that he makes when he thinks about us first and his friends second. I feel more loved than I did before however I also know I'm healthier than I was before to embrace his love better.

thanks for letting me share. It's not an easy path as a FWS but neither is the path as BS.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jul 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, April 12th (Friday)

Awww, good post MUC.

Totally gonna T/J my own thread now.

The family/boundary thing is...difficult. BTDT. It took some time to get the hang of it, but we're in a pretty decent place now and it's kind of freeing, relaxing. Mr. Aubrie and I withdraw into our sanctuary when the drama llama gets too hyper.

Both of us were born in different provinces/cities which makes us fans of different hockey teams. Well, sometimes that makes for an interesting night. We have fun banter back and forth when our fave team scores on each other.
Love this. I'm not a sporty person, don't really care, and he's ok with that. The only thing I'm hardcore on is March Madness. Then, it's on like Donkey Kong. Every year, he and I both fill out our brackets, state a prize, cross our fingers, and hope for the best. (Usually I win and I don't know one team from another. He's pretty impressed with my mad picking skillz.)

Last year was intense. We were just a couple months out from Dday. When Mr. Aubrie stated the prize he wanted, the color drained from my face but I agreed to the terms. Guess who won that year? *sigh*

It was kind of cool though. He wanted something from me that I had always been scared of. When the Big Blue won, he was grinning with glee. But when it came right down to it, he was so kind. He knew I was fearful and offered to let me out of the bet. I refused. 4 months out from Dday....I'll attempt to walk on water for you Dude. I faced the fear with terror gripping my heart, but hey, I faced it. I did it. Victory. Bonus? He was over the moon and it felt good to see the pride and happiness in his eyes.

On a serious note:
I just wanted to throw this out there, R is not always peaches and cream. I know that. There's no Pollyanna syndrome here.

Each couple here, each individual has a hell to fight thru. Each hell is different. Some are harder than others. I know that my hell isn't as bad compared to some. Bottom line, it's all hell and we all have to fight our way back.

Newbie WS, fight for it. Fight for boundaries. Fight for clarity. Fight for health. Fight for your spouse, your children, and yes even you.

I remember sitting here, not so long ago, reading posts and thinking, "Oh my gosh, I will never get there. These people are crazy! This has got to be some kind of sick joke."

It's not. You can get there. You'll take 3 steps forward and 1 back. 4 steps forward and 2 back. And even though you might fall back a little, you're still moving forward. Maybe not as fast as you want. But you're still moving. It's that crazy word that everyone loathes to hear. Time.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, April 12th (Friday)

Aubrie,

Don't know what you do for a living, but you should seriously think about starting a book in your spare time. It doesn't have to be about infidelity, but I think it would be great if it was. Think about how few truly great books there are out there on the topic. I'm 5 months out and have pretty much read them all.

Just a thought. We loved your post.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
jellybean22
New Member
Member # 38732
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, April 13th (Saturday)

As a BS, I appreciate your post. And I also felt good to see that thoughts of your actual AP didn't make it in. My biggest hope is that in time my WH's AP will be far from his thoughts too.


Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
2 boys
DDay: 3/11/13
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates

I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

heforgotme, thank you for the compliment. Don't know if I'm up for the challenge of writing a book! Or even a short story. Scares me just thinking about it. Thanks for the vote of confidence though.

I also felt good to see that thoughts of your actual AP didn't make it in.
Funny you should write that the morning after a night full of flashbacks and triggers.

In the early days, mental NC was a nightmare and seemed virtually impossible. However, as I've dug in, I've found that 95% of the time, the AP is not even a thought in my mind. I have focused on my part in this. My actions. My poor choices. What he thinks/says/does absolutely does not matter and has zero bearing on my healing.

It's kinda weird to talk about and work on the A without addressing the name or even a thought of the AP. And if a thought does come, I feel nothing about him other than, "Meh, whatever". Make sense?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
girlsbird
Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, April 15th (Monday)

Wow Aubrie...just Wow! Your post gave me a new insight into Mr. Birds' world. The one he can't articulate. Thank you and hugs!

[This message edited by girlsbird at 12:23 AM, April 15th (Monday)]


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
Pudding
Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, April 15th (Monday)

BS here - hope its OK.

Thank you for this. If my fWH only explained half of this to me, I would understand what he was going through and appreciate that we really are trying to get through this together. At the moment, I feel, I am the only one hurting because he doesn't tell me any of this. I want him too, but he won't.

Othe WS please read this and share what you feel with your BS


Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
RemoursefulGirl
Member
Member # 38170
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 15th (Monday)

I love this. I wish one day that my BS has a change of heart and forgives and takes me back like Mr. Aubrie did. You are a very lucky girl to have a husband that loves you unconditionally. Don't ever take that for granted again (I know you never will :)


WW/BS-Me- 31
BS/WH- Him 31
DD - 12/2012

Status - Living separately since DD

Update: Now a mad-hatter. Bs decided to sleep with not just one but TWO girls in the 2 months we've been separated.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2013
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, April 15th (Monday)

That is all beautiful. My WH feels/acts similarly. You have inspired me to promote him to FWH, and soon I can see a day where he'll just be husband, and later we'll be the older couple who can offer really good advice about what it takes to stay married.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Sep 2012
WhatHaveIDone??
Member
Member # 30054
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, April 15th (Monday)

Aubrie-

As many others have said...WOW. My BH sent me the link to your post last week. Having read it a couple of times now, you have written it so well. So much of what you wrote resonates with me so strongly.

We are almost 3 years out from DD and there still isnt a day that goes by that I dont think about what I did, the pain I caused BH by my choices, how I risked everything for nothing, who I allowed myself to be then. It is always there - it doesnt consume me or own me anymore. I feel the pain, own the feeling and acknowledge it - it took a long time in IC to own it without it owning me. Some days are worse than others, but the pain, fall out and implications of my decisions are always there.

Thank you for putting words to what a day can be like for a WS. Very well done.


Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 37