SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: An Update
burntashes
Member
Member # 29446
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

It's been a long time. Greetings all. I separated with my H recently. It was a sad day. I explained in the simplest terms I could to my daughter that I cheated. She asked me "Why did you marry daddy then?" That cut straight to my heart. I told her because I loved him, and then I cheated because I was stupid. I promised her to never be stupid again.

Keeping myself occupied with taking care of and teaching my daughter has been the only thing that brings distraction and some level of peace to me. My H changes between very dark depressed struggles and feeling it's best to have us back, then today telling me that he really doesn't like me and that I was never worth marrying and he should have left me in the ditch where I belong. It hurts to hear his pain and anger so deeply hurting. I hate myself, keep asking myself why, how could I have lied to him when he was deeply in love with me, cheated on him when he needed me? The karma bus has hit me hard for sure. I've learned to leave him alone as he asked me to. I know I respect myself now and will never dishonor myself or my family again, but I can't do anything to lessen his suffering from my betrayal or make my family be together. It all makes me sick what I've done.


Me: WW/MH 30s Him: 40s 1 Daughter
LTA, not divorced with no R
I confessed PA 6/10. Detailed confession: 9/10. All the truth 9/11.

Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: California
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

Hi burnt,

It's been a very long time since you've posted.

How old is your DD?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
burntashes
Member
Member # 29446
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

Hi BaxtersBFF,

Good to hear from you. My daughter is 6.

burnt


Me: WW/MH 30s Him: 40s 1 Daughter
LTA, not divorced with no R
I confessed PA 6/10. Detailed confession: 9/10. All the truth 9/11.

Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: California
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

Wow, that really must have cut like a knife to hear her ask that question. I'm sorry. Kids words can be so poignant.

I hope you and your BH will be able to help her through this. I hope you can make it through this too. It's going to be a very long road for all of you.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
burntashes
Member
Member # 29446
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, April 11th (Thursday)

It did. To make matters worse I lost my job months ago and haven't been able to find a new job yet. I'm thankful that my relatives are graceful enough to let me stay until I find a new job. The AP was a previous co-worker so I have to avoid people who worked in the same place before, and have little to no network. I was so deeply idiotic I ruined my career and family and personal life for nothing. So much loss. I try to tell myself that all I can do is change now, and stop blaming anyone else and look inward to become a genuin person, to love and be kind. Just really struggling today.


Me: WW/MH 30s Him: 40s 1 Daughter
LTA, not divorced with no R
I confessed PA 6/10. Detailed confession: 9/10. All the truth 9/11.

Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: California
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, April 12th (Friday)

Welcome back Burnt.

Wishing you and your family strength and peace as you struggle through. Mt heart aches for you having to explain to your DD.

(((Burntashes)))

Edit for typo

[This message edited by knightsbff at 12:18 AM, April 12th, 2013 (Friday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
burntashes
Member
Member # 29446
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, April 12th (Friday)

Thanks knightsbff. I am having a hard time with a few things that H keeps telling me when we talk - "You are so replaceable. You are just some stupid (ethnicity) girl that gets talked into things." and "You're not the only girl in the world." It feels so degrading and offensive to me, but that was how I behaved in my A. The present tense he insists bothers me, that he insists that IS still me, but I know I am not stupid or behaving that way anymore so it shouldn't bother me so much. The second statement always hurts quite a bit because after DDay he slept with more than a few women. I always respond "well obviously you've shown me that so why do you need to say that?" I guess I need to remind myself again that it's about his pain, not about defining me by his words. I made those horrible choices and this is the price to pay, that he doesn't see any value in me. It's my job to work on having value myself.


Me: WW/MH 30s Him: 40s 1 Daughter
LTA, not divorced with no R
I confessed PA 6/10. Detailed confession: 9/10. All the truth 9/11.

Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: California
burntashes
Member
Member # 29446
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, April 12th (Friday)

I feel whiney posting about my struggles when so many on SI suffer so much more, especially BS's who don't deserve. Sorry to any BS reading this as you must think "shut up and live in it - you made this mess yourself." I am reaping what I sowed and H keeps saying he doesn't care for me or respect me anymore. I should limit my contact to daughter related arrangements and not mind how his words make me feel. Of course he doesn't like me and think I was a waste of time - I disregarded his grace when he forgave my EA years ago and ignored his warnings to put us in this hell. He was calling me when he struggled after I moved out, but after the expressions today he probably won't anymore. I should probably stop calling him when I amd really down and work on myself. I dug this grave and I have to climb out on my own.


Me: WW/MH 30s Him: 40s 1 Daughter
LTA, not divorced with no R
I confessed PA 6/10. Detailed confession: 9/10. All the truth 9/11.

Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: California
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, April 12th (Friday)

No stop sign...

I'm a BS. I can understand that your BS might lash out verbally in anger, but degrading you in that way because of his pain, doesn't make it right. He's being verbally abusive and it's not ok.

Did he sleep with other women before you separated? Regardless, it sounds as if neither of you are sure whether your relationship is truly over. You see, to me, that sounds like he did the revenge affair thing, that you're both madhatters? I wonder if that's why his anger towards you is so nasty...maybe it's also how he feels about himself and he's trying to blameshift onto you?

Just some thoughts anyway.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, April 12th (Friday)

What Fidelia said!^^^^^^


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, April 12th (Friday)

Sorry to any BS reading this as you must think "shut up and live in it - you made this mess yourself."

I'm a BS and I'm not thinking that at all. I'm thinking, hey, you're separated. You shouldn't have had to take his verbal abuse before and you sure as hell don't have to take it now. Can you talk to him about keeping communication civil and only regarding your daughter?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6672 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
burntashes
Member
Member # 29446
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, April 12th (Friday)

Thanks for your kind responses, Fidelia and BaldwinBeauty. Yes we were in limbo for almost three years and his meeting with other women happened in the six months after the first DDay and more after he found out the last piece of info. We were living together. He was fluctuating between telling me he was going to get back at me and saying he wouldn't do that and wanted me. Each time he told me a month or two later. He admitted it wasn't a good way to cope but doesn't think he strayed because I already cheated on him and that there was "no marriage to break" as I already broke it. He said he only did it because he was so lost he needed comfort from a woman, and he sure wasn't going to turn to his "cheating wife" - me - even though I was begging him to let me take care of him. I've given up trying to talk to him about it because it always turns into him saying I am immature and not very smart to even compare his actions to mine. We're separated. Water under the bridge. I wish I hadn't stayed with that happening. But I saw how much he was and still is in pain from my betrayal, so I feel so aweful for putting him in that position in the first place. He was completely faithful before DDay. It was my actions that changed him and made him want to look outward. How can I blame him that much?

[This message edited by burntashes at 12:44 PM, April 12th (Friday)]


Me: WW/MH 30s Him: 40s 1 Daughter
LTA, not divorced with no R
I confessed PA 6/10. Detailed confession: 9/10. All the truth 9/11.

Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: California
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, April 12th (Friday)

Hi burnt,
Having known the whole story (the multiple A's on his part, the degradation, the racial slurs, the physical abuse and of course, the gun"incident"), it blows my mind that you still blame yourself.

It appears you are in no healthier a mindset based on your posts.

I hope you start to finally work on you, after 3 years (and prior) of working just to please him.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
burntashes
Member
Member # 29446
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 12th (Friday)

Hi Jana, I've talked to him about keeping the verbal attacks under a level, like no name calling. These are things that he said consistently the last few years. It cuts deep and I've told him that but he said that's how he feels. The reason I moved out is to distance us from the drama. We've both felt more peaceful in some ways, but he still has very down days and I want to be there for him when he wants to talk.

Mrs Panda, thanks for checking in. I'm in a healthier place in that I don't just accept any treatment because I think I deserve it anymore. I am out because I can't continue to live in a "marriage" where he can't accept or respect me anymore, but he still seems to care about me when he's not angry. I am making changes for myself, to have healthier thought processes, to own my own actions and have personal boundaries with everyone including H. I agree that it's not entirely healthy and I've got a long way to go. Self forgiveness hasn't been possible yet - how could I seeing how much he's still hurting? But I know what he chooses to do is on him, not me, no matter how guilty I feel. It's a start and daily progress.

[This message edited by burntashes at 6:17 PM, April 12th (Friday)]


Me: WW/MH 30s Him: 40s 1 Daughter
LTA, not divorced with no R
I confessed PA 6/10. Detailed confession: 9/10. All the truth 9/11.

Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: California
Fidelia
Member
Member # 38345
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, April 12th (Friday)

Sweetie, where is your pain at his betrayal? Where is your hurt at his degradation of you? It seems like you've buried it deep, not allowing yourself to feel it because you're unhealthily wallowing in guilt. It sounds like you're emotionally stuck, and that won't change until you face your own trauma and stop beating yourself up. Own what you did? Yes. Take the blame for his poor choices? No.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 36 (randomusername)

"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13

"Oh God give me


Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2013
burntashes
Member
Member # 29446
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, April 13th (Saturday)

Fidelia,

I think I have buried my pain for the most part. When I brought in up in the past he would admit that it was wrong except when he was really angry, but continued discussion usually goes back to what I did to him and how that's the catalyst of all of it, that he would have been faithful all along "but for" my cheating. I got tired of the same argument and how it usually ends up with him telling me how I was stupid to equate the two that I figured I'd rather avoid it. In spite of that it still comes out at times, sometimes in heated arguments and when I couldn't take anymore digs from him I would lash out all of that pain in a fury, last time ending in me punching and bruising his arm and mine. That was when I decided to leave because the stress was too much for us both. No matter how guilty I feel, deep down I know I made him sad and angry, but I didn't make him go have sex with other women.

He's starting to come around and tell me that he thinks it's best we try to get over it and be back together as a family. He misses DD a lot. I said the only way that could work is for us to respect each other and be working toward a real loving marriage. He admitted that what he did was wrong and that he needs to work on healthier ways of dealing with stress. We will spend some time together as a family and see how he feels from there.


Me: WW/MH 30s Him: 40s 1 Daughter
LTA, not divorced with no R
I confessed PA 6/10. Detailed confession: 9/10. All the truth 9/11.

Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: California
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 2:56 AM, April 13th (Saturday)

Burnt,
I'm sorry you are hurting. Will you love and respect yourself enough to decide that you deserve and will demand better treatment from your BH/WH?

"You are so replaceable. You are just some stupid (ethnicity) girl that gets talked into things." and "You're not the only girl in the world." It feels so degrading and offensive to me
^^^This feels degrading and offensive because it is. It's verbal abuse as others have said and it's not OK. Where are your healthy boundaries? 180, DD and finances only topics of discussion. Period.

after DDay he slept with more than a few women

Revenge affairs are still affairs. Not OK. You are saying this was his way of coping with your infidelity? He's blame shifting and you are owning his A's?

I agree with pp's that you are stuck. Shame is never healthy. Guilt says "I did/am doing something bad." If we listen to it we can avoid doing things that are harmful to ourselves and others. Shame says "I am bad." It comes from stuffing our guilty feelings instead of facing and dealing with them and it is unhealthy.

I think you are stuck in shame and you are still piling more on. You are feeling shame for your H's A's as well as your own.

He admitted it wasn't a good way to cope but doesn't think he strayed because I already cheated on him and that there was "no marriage to break" as I already broke it. He said he only did it because he was so lost he needed comfort from a woman, and he sure wasn't going to turn to his "cheating wife" - me - even though I was begging him to let me take care of him.
Blameshifting and gas lighting?

him saying I am immature and not very smart to even compare his actions to mine.
more verbal abuse

I've given up trying to talk to him about it..... Water under the bridge.
Why don't your feelings matter? I think you hit on this on another post, right? This is part of your why? He had affairs! You are worth more than this, even broken... You are worth more.

It was my actions that changed him and made him want to look outward. How can I blame him that much?
Bullshit. You made him screw other women by some actions of yours? I don't think so.

Burnt, you are so back and forth I'm getting dizzy. You can't base self forgiveness on what he does. You have to dig it out of yourself. And how can you expect something from someone else that you won't do for yourself?

This dynamic seems to have been going on a while? When will it stop?


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, April 13th (Saturday)

Sounds to me like you guys had another dramatic fight and you left. But, hey, you've done this before and you go right back.

And it sounds like that's already in the works.

By the end of this thread, you will be back again in this dysfunctional marriage.

Your daughter is getting older. She sees it all.
She sees Mommy hates hersefl, has no respect for herself, seeks attention through drama. Daddy disrespects Mommy, women, and her race. Awesome.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
burntashes
Member
Member # 29446
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, April 13th (Saturday)

It'll stop when I decide it has to stop or I'm getting off the train. That's where I'm at. It's true my earlier posts still seem mired in unhealthy thinking. It's a struggle because he sinks so deep, but I do know his actions are his choices. He could have chosen to cope in healthier ways, just like I could have not cheated, but he didn't. He admited that in our convos when I've been away. I am in no rush to jump back into drama. I made it clear to him the only way I'd be back is for us to have a real marriage where there's mutual respect, that he accepts and respects me as his wife. I won't accept any of those degrading comments from him anymore and I will make sure he understands that and agrees if we are to live under the same roof. That's the condition and if it can't happen, I am at peace with being apart.


Me: WW/MH 30s Him: 40s 1 Daughter
LTA, not divorced with no R
I confessed PA 6/10. Detailed confession: 9/10. All the truth 9/11.

Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: California
burntashes
Member
Member # 29446
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

Mommy hates herself, doesn't respect herself, seeks attention from drama. Daddy disrespects Mommy, women, her race.


This is exactly what needs to be addressed before I would consider moving back with DD. I don't seek attention thru drama. I love the peace and quiet, time and energy to focus on helping my DD learn these days. I don't know how much of his request is from really wanting to be with me. I understand he wants to spend time with DD and give her a family with both parents. Thing is this picture can't be complete without true commitment to respect and love from both of us. It comes down to execution, how I can make the requirements clear and that this is not yet another clumsy getting back together to repeat the same cycle again. To commit to leaving for good if this isn't the respectful loving marriage that marriage should be. I don't know if he can change his view consistently yet. That's something we will have to discuss. I don't want to go back to living in disrespect again.


Me: WW/MH 30s Him: 40s 1 Daughter
LTA, not divorced with no R
I confessed PA 6/10. Detailed confession: 9/10. All the truth 9/11.

Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: California
Topic Posts: 20