SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: Blaming "circumstances"
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

While I was in the affair and after I was caught, I was very much in a "victim of circumstance" mindset. If only we hadn't gone to {XYZ place} that day. If only the {something we saw} hadn't been named {OM's name}. If only I'd deleted his number from my phone years ago. If only XH and I had already had kids (or were trying). If only I had never met him. If only I had never been born. And so forth and so on.

I never blamed my XH or our marriage for my choice to cheat. But I did have myself very firmly convinced that I wouldn't have done it had the fates not aligned in the very specific way that they did that weekend.

I even, I'm ashamed to say, played the comparison card---I'd read other people's stories and say, "Well, at least I didn't do that."

As I took the time to dig into my shit, I realized that the circumstances being what they were didn't matter in the slightest as far as my choices go. Duh, you might say...this is something most people figure out as children. Well, not me. One of my patterns had always been to shift the blame onto any available target. With my A, I 'thought' I had been doing so well to take responsibility, not blame my XH, or the M, or my parents, or whoever. But instead I was blaming the universe for setting me up to fail. No better, in retrospect.

As I've grown and changed and figured stuff out over the past three years, one of the most profound things I've come to realize (and something that has helped me improve myself more than most anything else) is the notion that I am in complete control over how I react to circumstance in my life. It shouldn't have mattered what wheels were turning on that day I decided to send that text. I should have been in control of my own self and my own behavior no matter what. If I had been, it wouldn't have mattered if Harrison Ford circa 1980 was naked turning cartwheels in front of me; I would have made the right choice and behaved with integrity.

Just another stop on the learning curve.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

Yes, to all of it!!!

Thanks for sharing!


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36635 | Registered: Sep 2007
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

excellent post!


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

Great post!


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6058 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
EmotionalFool
Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

I 'thought' I had been doing so well to take responsibility, not blame my XH, or the M, or my parents, or whoever.

Yup..

But instead I was blaming the universe for setting me up to fail.

I am currently doing this
Having all sort of thoughts like why those POSs cross my path of life? They shouldnt have.. if only there were not there..

If I had been, it wouldn't have mattered if Harrison Ford circa 1980 was naked turning cartwheels in front of me; I would have made the right choice and behaved with integrity.

I had a similar discussion with CL few hrs ago. If I work on myself, universe should not set me up if any more tests.. if all this work does not guarantee that I wont ever fail again then what exactly I am working towards?

Your post kind of answer that question. thanks


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, April 15th (Monday)

My BS asked me something like this yesterday. He wondered if the fact that our son was in Afghanistan led to my feelings of anxiety and that led to my affair.
I explained that if I was anxious, it was my poor coping mechanisms that led me down that path, not the fact that my son was at war.
It cements in my head that anything can happen to us, it's how we handle it that we're 100% responsible for.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4522 | Registered: Dec 2010
WishingForLethe
Member
Member # 34805
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

Wonderful post!


Don't look at how far you have to go, but how far you have come

Posts: 350 | Registered: Feb 2012
MyBiggestFailure
New Member
Member # 39026
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

I can only agree.

After my affairs were discovered, I had therapy, and one of the problems that I had to deal with was that I didn't really own my decisions, I let myself think that others were deciding for me, and that I was just a victim of what had happened to me.

Life doesn't just happen to you, you're constantly making choices about how to act, whether you realise it or not, and although circumstances have a bearing on your decisions, ultimately those decisions are still yours, for better or worse.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 8