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Waits
New Member
Member # 38983
Concerned  Posted: 9:42 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

Me 37 year old Husband
Her 35 Year old Wife
Him 30 something OM

Background: Wife is diagnosed Bi-Polar 2, was already struggling with depression yet on steady medication for years. She quit a high pay, high stress financial job in June and was searching for her next thing ever since. She and I have been very active Yogi's for years.
We have been married for 3.5 years, been together for 4.5 years.

My wife left me without warning the morning when I arrived home from a week long work trip. We weren't fighting, we had a great relationship. There was no prior discussion or warning that we even "had to talk".
Now she was not working and spent her days only doing ashtanga yoga 6 days a week from 7am-9am. She is trained as a yoga teacher as am I. The one thing I did notice over the past couple months is that she was becoming more and more obsessed with Ashtanga and it was all she would talk about. She kept telling me lots of stuff was "coming up" for her but she couldn't even begin to explain it. She kept urging me to go back to yoga, incessantly. I had injured my back doing yoga, had a herniated disc, 2 steroid spinal injections and 6 months of physical therapy before I could walk without pain. I was apprehensive about going back to classes.

So, I arrive home late on a Friday night, she leaves food out for me, tells me she can't wait to see me. She was asleep when I got home, I went to bed. I wake up the next morning, sit on the couch. She comes over to me and says, "I fucked up our marriage. I had an emotional affair with OM for the last month, I think I'm in love with him, I've never felt this way about anyone before, if you weren't in the picture we'd be dating right now. Our lives are going in two different directions now. I want someone to do yoga with, I want a baby now, I want to travel to India to do yoga 3 months a year, I want to move out of the city."
Shock ensued. I knew she was hanging out with this yoga teacher. I knew the guy, we use to go to his classes together. He's met me and he knows she is married. Apparently she confessed her love to him while I was away, he told her hue wouldn't get involved with her because HE didn't want to get hurt because she was married.

My wife continues on saying "That she is the happiest she's ever been, she has her emotions back, her depression of 30 years has lifted, she watched it go. She truly wants a baby now and believes she can be a great mother now." We decided before being married that we both were adamant about not wanting kids, we even two months prior to this would talk about how great our life is together and how we don't have to deal with the stress of kids, we have a lot of friends without kids, etc. 4 months into our marriage I had a vasectomy. We went to joint therapy together before I had the procedure to talk it through and make sure it was the right decision.

So she continues to tell me that "She doesn't want to force me to have a kid, to do yoga, to move out of the city. I'll be so much happier without her, she knows I'm not happy with her. I'm going to go on and do great things, She loves me so much, our marriage is the most precious thing to her, I am perfect, Our marriage was the best thing that ever happened to her and I mean the world to her." She swore to me that nothing physical happened between her and the OM. She wasn't expecting the affair to happen but it did.
I told her that this isn't real, she's known him for a month, that we're always going to meet people in our lives that we're drawn to but you don't cross that line because you're married. I said that I believe this is a complete manic episode and that you do yoga to enhance the life you have, yoga should not become your life. She got all upset saying that it has helped her so much, she so much more herself now and completely fearless. (now a few months prior she didn't leave bed all day for weeks, watching TV with no idea what she wanted to do with herself).

I told her she is not living in reality, she created a fantasy and a completely new persona around it. She became a different person. She cut off all ties to friends that would disagree with her. I told her that what she did was the most selfish, self centered thing she could have possibly done, that she cares about nothing but herself and no amount of yoga has ever changed that. She said "You're Right".
I told her that she decided the course of our marriage, she decided how I was going to feel, she decided all of this in a bubble and I had no voice in this at all. I told her that she can tell me all these reasons why she thinks our lives are going in two different directions but essentially you're just leaving me for this other guy. She said " That's a simplistic way of looking at it" I asked her so what now? You are going to start dating him now? She said, yeah I think we will, he feels the same way and yes we will be together but why does that matter?
She kept harping on wanting a baby. I told her that she picked the one non negotiable aspect of our marriage and used it as her way out and to justify her actions.

So that was Saturday, she left Sunday morning. We spoke again Tuesday night. I thought we were going to try and work things out, I had a list of things I wanted her to do, like a NC with OM, go back to therapy etc.
She arrives, tells me that again she really wants a baby, she feels so much more herself. She has her emotions back. I told her she was completely delusional and she was doing way to much yoga and nothing else with her life, she is fanatical and low grade cult behavior. She of course did not agree, in bi-polar they are always in denial that they're going through it. She told she saw her Psychiatrist the night before, he told her that she is in a great place right now, she is doing really well, he hasn't seen her this well in a long time and "Things Just Happen".
At which point I flipped out, saying how there was no way she told him the truth, there is no way a competent psych could think that leaving me without so much as a discussion/warning was a good idea. She has no job, no idea what she is going to do with herself, Saying that things just happen is complete bullshit, that resolves you of any responsibility for your actions. Things don't just happen, we make decisions and we create the causes for all things in our life. She said, if you don't believe me here's his number, call him. She asked me if after hearing all these things from her if I really wanted to try to work it out? I told her fuck no.
I want you out of here. Of course in the middle of all this she keeps telling me how much I mean to her, how much she loves me, how great things will be for me. How perfect our marriage was and it means the world to her. We had such a beautiful like together.

I said you're not doing yoga, your missing the whole point, you think your "heart is open" but nobody with an open heart would ripped mine apart in this way. You have no compassion, no empathy, you walked away without so much as a goodbye. She told she didn't want to drag it out because it wouldn't have gotten us anywhere. I said we could have at least spent a day on it, a few hours? You made up your mind before you even told me what was going on.

So that was the end of it, 3 days after she told me it was over, she was gone. We talked about it for about 2 hours total.

We get together the following Saturday to talk about how the divorce plans will work. She comes over, completely cold and starts telling me that this is how it works according to the law, we had a short term marriage and the courts will put us back to where we were before we got together. You're only entitled to a small portion of my 401k that accrued during the time we were together, since I'm not working now you will probably owe me spousal support. She wants me to continue to pay our health insurance premium, our phone bills, and the entire rent of our apartment even though she is also on the lease. ( the apartment is very expensive btw) I told her she is out of her fucking mind if she thinks I'm paying for her to live her life with another man, pay her bills, pay for her to go to yoga, and let her just walk away like nothing happened. I told her you are leaving me for another man and you expect me to pay for it? There is no way your getting a dime from me.
She had a split second of reality flash before her eyes and completely changed her tune, never mentioned it again. I said this is how its gonna work. We're going to split the health insurance, the phone bill, I'm going to tell you what I want from your 401k, you have until the end of the month to move all your furniture and belongings out of this house and I want a divorce from you as soon as possible. She conceded. We agreed and that was that. 1 week after I found out.

More craziness ensues: She calls me a week later to schedule our tax appointment and starts telling me how great I am, how perfect our life was together, it means so much to her. She isn't going to get married again. She is still going to wear her wedding ring and she wants to keep my name because it means so much to her.
Again I tell that what she is saying is extremely hurtful, I'm already on the floor yet you keep kicking me. How can you think that I would want to hear any of this from you while you're out fucking this OM? She another brief flash of reality and apologized realized what she was doing and decided to double the amount of money she was giving me.

A few days later my Birthday roles around, In my head I just want her to have the sense to leave it alone, not even acknowledge it. Yet I get to work and low and behold an email from her arrives. She writes me the craziest love poem about how a beautiful person was born on this day and how much she cares for me, how I'm going to do so many great things, how beautiful I am, how much I've touched her life, etc. etc. I reply telling her that she has no right to send this and I wish would take her head out of her ass for one second and realize that she is doing this not for me but to help her feel better about her awful actions. I told her If you loved me the way you say you do you would never have treated me in this way. There are many many ways to go about doing what you did but you chose the worst way possible. You just vanished from my life like we never existed. I said I want nothing to do with you, you will not keep my name, and I want a divorce as soon as possible. You wanted a new life you got it.

We are out of contact for days/week. Work finally calms down for me and I have some downtime and all it hits me like a truck. I was totally distraught, curled up in a ball on the floor every night of the week crying my eyes out. I was so lost, confused, trying to make sense of something that has none.
I don't know what to do but I knew I had to see her again, it's been 2 weeks. I felt that she moved on to her new life and flipped the switched off on ours like it never happened. One day we were spending everyday of our lilies together and the next she was gone. The most horrible disorienting feeling in the world. I felt like someone ripped my arm off and I was trying to find out where it went.
She agrees to meet me out at a cafe. I immediately break down, trying to figure out how she could do this, especially in the way that she did. (She was married once before and her ex husband did this exact same thing to her, he just got up from the table, said I can't do this anymore and walked out the door). She said I know how you feel, I said how could you do this to another human being, knowing how devastating it is. She said her doctor told her to do it quickly and cleanly. She said she got over her ex quickly, in a year. Which I know from the stories she told me and from her friends that is a lie. She couldn't even function in the world, speak, catatonic for years. I told her I will never understand how you can do this to me and I probably never will but I wanted to see you so you can face the reality of what you're doing, I feel you got off easy and left. You didn't even give me chance to say goodbye. Again she told me that she would always be there for me, she loved me so much, she would do anything for me. All this crazy shit. The meeting helped me make the situation a little less surreal. Though I was still a wreck.

I tell her I need to see her again this past saturday. She agrees and comes over. At this point I have not been able to stop thinking about her and him together, walking up in the middle of the night dreaming about it, 24/7 thinking about what is really happening here.
I tell her I need to know if your with him now, if your dating. She wouldn't tell me, she kept asking why it mattered? I told her because its the only reason you left me that makes any sense at all. You left me for another man and you won't admit it. So she eventually tells me that they are in fact together.
I tell her thats why its been so easy for you to walk away of which she denied that it was easy. She told me she would have rather been hit by a bus and killed than tell me she did this to me. It would have been easier.
I told her again that she is in denial, there is no way your psychiatrist knows the truth, there is no way he told you this was going to work out for you. You are making really bad choices with your life right now and its going to crash and burn, don't expect me to pick up the pieces.
You did the worst thing you can possibly do in a marriage and you did in the absolute worst way, total evil. you just turned off the switch of our life like it never even happened. She whole heartedly believes that she is in the best place and that the universe will provide. That all of sudden she doesn't care about money and she is doing great. I asked her if this how she wanted her life to be, if she thought she was making good, healthy choices and if this is truly what she wanted. She said Yes. After that I knew there was no way in. I tried everything I could, told her the reality of the situation, she got so visibly upset with what I was saying that she had to leave, she told me she was going to throw up all over my floor. That she is running out on me but she can't stay because she is so sick.

And that as they say, was that. I have an appointment on Tuesday to fill out the divorce paperwork.

I also should add that I contacted the OM's ex girlfriend whom I know. He broke up with her a few months before this happened. I told her my wife left me for him and I thought it was unethical as a yoga teacher to be involved with your students, befriend your students especially a married one that is emotionally unstable.
She emailed the OM and ripped into him about how this is going to ruin his reputation as a yoga teacher and what the hell was he doing? My wife finds out about this and now she and the OM are starting to worry that I am going to do something. Tell the leader of they're yoga organization what they are actually doing and cause a great stir in the closed off community that it is. I have no plans at this time to do that. I feel that with or without me getting involved they are going crash and burn, that bomb is gonna blow, I don't need to light the fuse here. If I feel that telling the teacher is going to help me heal, I will do it, if it won't I will not. I would also do it in confidence and only ask the he listen and do whatever he see's fit, which may mean nothing but at least you know what is happening in your studio.

I have been getting very angry the past few days. I left a voicemail for my wife telling how pissed I was at her and how disappointed I am in how she treated our relationship, in her actions, her words, and her new boyfriend as well. That I didn't know how she slept at night and I will never understand why she did this.
She than emailed me saying we should only speak with a therapist involved, I told her I wouldn't talk to hers because I feel he is incompetent. So after more thought I decided this would do nothing to heal me and it would only give her an outlet. She is in a completely irrational state right now. I don't want to be in the same room with her. She will turn everything around on me and I will become even more upset. I will not put myself through that.

I will not call her again or express my anger to her because I know her and the OM are now worried I will do something to them. And really I can't decide if I should be mad at the OM or warn him. He has no idea what he is getting himself into and if he doesn't realize that by now, well then he deserves what he gets.

Today WS emails me again saying she has a favor to ask me... Obviously I can do whatever I want, she says. Also, She knows I want to hurt her. She knows I want to hurt the OM. However She asks that I please don't bring innocent ppl like the OM's EX into this. To Direct my anger at her. She is the one I should be angry with. This is between her and I. She ended the marriage, she made the decision. She says that she knows I would like the yoga community to know what a horrible person She is. But she asks that I refrain from calling her employers and future employers until after we meet with my Therapist.
That I can do whatever I want but please try to see that causing her pain and hurting her chances of working is not going to ease mine.
Then she says, I know you hate living in our apartment, I will help you take on the financial burden of staying there or moving out. I want us to stop causing each other more pain.

Now what I see in this email is, don't tell anyone the truth about my actions and I'll give you money (what money is what I would like to know). I also never told her I wanted to hurt either her or the OM. I also never told her I was going to call any of her employers/yoga teachers. She is projecting her fears onto me. There is not one hint in here that she is sorry, or even feels bad. All she is worried about now is that her fantasy world is going to come crashing down because people will know the truth of her actions. All she is caring about still, is herself and the fantasy she is trying to live. She is still trying to control how I act and manipulate the situation to fit her own needs. All of sudden when she is feeling pain and suffering we need to "stop hurting each other". Such bullshit.

I think my best course of action right now is to completely ignore any attempts she makes to contact me, ignore all emails. Meet with the divorce place on Tuesday, fill out the paperwork and have her served. Cut all ties and send a Do Not Contact letter to her. Whenever she opens her mouth it hurts me, I need to be far away from her. I need to live my life free of this madness.

The crazy part is all this occurred within 1 month.

So that's the story. I'm pissed, I'm sad, I'm disappointed, I'm a lot of things. I did get some great advice from my support network. One guy told me his crazy story and how it affected him for year. He said the only thing that saved him from driving himself insane was to "Stop trying to figure it out" There is no way to logically figure out an illogical situation and it makes your mind spin and spin because there's no sense to it. You can't make sense of it, so just stop trying to figure it out. I put signs up all over my apartment that read " Stop Trying to Figure It Out" I believe the next step/sign will read "Just Let it Go"

This entire situation is crazy and I truly believe my wife at her best is mentally ill. I just wish she could see what she's become now but she truly believes she is living her truth right now. It's ashame because I don't think she knows herself at all and she creates fantasies about what she thinks her true self is and stops at nothing to become just that. Leaving her past persona and all the collateral damage in its wake.

Life always has ways of reminding you that the only thing you can count on is change.

Thanks for listening.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: New York
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

Well Wait - welcome, sorry your are here. Your friend is right there is no understanding crazy...

You can however, with practice, get better at reading between the lines, or maybe I'm getting cocky... Here's what I think you are dealing with:

This started a few months ago just before OM broke up with his gf. Your wife certainly sounds like she is in a manic phase - if she takes meds... sounds like she is off them (related to the new yoga maybe?)

As to a D, and SS...? I was a SAHM for 15 years on DDay - married 30 years. SS was going based on a percentage of our incomes with it figured that I had a minimum wage job (whether I had one or not)... What happens is very much a state to state thing! Look into it!

And check out the Healing Library - the other guys will be along shortly (though weekends can be slow). To me it sounds like you are doing the only thing you can - protect yourself! Don't put anything in writing you wouldn't want brought into court (just in case).

Eat something! Anything! Smoothies, ensure... be sure you are getting plenty of fluids. You may be looking at a quick D - but whatever happens this is an emotional and physical marathon! Start taking care of you!

((Wait)) It will get better - just takes ....time.

[This message edited by Take2 at 10:27 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

Welcome to SI, Waits. I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but you've come to a great place for support.

Even though this is all so fresh for you, it's a very advanced step in healing to realize that you can't make sense of this. You can't change it, you can't make it go away, you can only learn what you need out of a partner on the other side of this, and whether your WS is going to be a part of your healing or a hindrance.

Please don't worry about warning or helping the OM. He carved his own path out here. If he's going to consort with another man's wife he can deal with the consequences.

You just take care of YOU. Find yourself and your truth - and don't let her tell you what makes you happy or what's good for you.

(((Waits)))


You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to. - Robin Williams

Posts: 16804 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
hailstormer
Member
Member # 35873
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, April 13th (Saturday)

"Ignore" in your story is exactly what you need to do
Go to the Healing Library and look under BS for the 180 and start doing it immediately.
As hard as it is to ignore her cause you'll miss her terribly it will also flip her out that you have no desire to talk to her or see her and listen to her demands. Now you are in charge and because you do not have kids that means you can make arrangements on your schedule and when your ready.
Start working on getting stronger and take care of yourself right now your the one you need to focus on.
Believe me I know I just recently got up off the floor and I was married for 19 years. Now my BS (even though he left to be with his "friend")tries to call me on every phone he can and I never answer. He will then call me at work cause he knows I have to answer the phone and I listen for a minute and if the conversation isn't going the way I want I hang up on him. We always thought that was sooo rude to do to people but I find that I am better when I don't talk to him because after our conversations of him blaming everything on me and re-writing our marriage history I then go for days afterwards of being miserable and completely devastated.
Good Luck and listen to the messages from this site the suggestions are excellent and right on.
Hey we have been there too.


me(BS)-55
him(WS)-53
together 21 years
1st D-Day 4-19-10
2nd D-Day 5-3-12
married 19 years
2 kids 13-twins
Unfortunately...divorcing

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Florida
jimbo25319
Member
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

Welcome mate. If you listen to no one else, listen to your friends here. No one here is going to steer you wrong.

There is a great deal of wonderful info in the Healing Library. Read it, read it, then read it some more.

IMO, unless it pertains to your D, you have NO reason to communicate with this woman. So don't. If you get any more of her self serving emails, hit delete. Do not reply. Same if she texts. If she calls, don't answer, straight to voicemail.

Listen, there stands a good chance reality is going to set in and her fantasy world will come crashing down. Hopefully you'll be D'd by then, because she's going to come running back hoping you'll rescue her. IMO I think for you, she needs to stay gone. You deserve better.


Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

Welcome to the club brother. It sucks to be here, but its the best place for healing and advice. Change the names and the circumstances of the A and I can tell you that whats happening to you has happened to everyone of us here. There is nothing unique with your situation. There is nothing unique about affairs in general. They pretty much follow the same boring, unbelievable script. I say this not to lessen your pain, but to let you know your not alone in what has happened. Shit, on this site there are almost 40,000 people with the same problem. What your experiencing is a classic case of what we call the fog. Her head is so far up her ass she cant see reality. Her and the OM have built up this fantasy life where there are no real life issues and everything is butterflies and unicorns. Sure we will run away to India for 3 months each year to study yoga and be at peace with the world. They will have wild tantric sex and finally be able to find spirtitual contentment. Sounds great, dont it ?

But lets look at the reality of all this. Who the hell is going to finance these excursions ? Whats going to happen when they return from the land of the lost and reality smacks them dead in the face ? And what exactly will they do when they get those pesky little things each month in the form of bills and other financial obligations ? Im sure in their heads they have some half assed plan in place. He will continue to teach Yoga of course. And she will go back into the work force and make big bucks once again. But lets face it, fantasies cost money. Big money at that. And what job will enable them to take 3 months off each year while they go off to India to find themselves ? And all of this is under the slim chance that the OM is on the same page as she is. No, its most likely that the OM is just feeding her a line of shit in order to get laid without the responsibilities that come along with a real relationship. He wants to poach off your land for awhile and she is so wrapped up in the fantasy she thinks this is real. The dude like most predators is in a position of power of sorts. Like the proverbial tennis instructor, personal trainer etc. I'll bet my left nut that he has pulled this game on other married women before. Most likely with the same line of shit he is giving your WW. She thinks she is special and that OM is the best thing to come along since toilet paper. But shes not, she is just another notch in his belt just like all the rest.

And the way your feeling is perfectly normal. We all have been there my man. Your in a panic now that your life has been turned around 180 degrees. You want things back the way they were. You want your old W back and things can go back to normal. Understandable and consistent with most BS early on. Fact is things will never be the same. Even if she comes back home today there will always be this 800 lb Gorilla in the room. And he does not go away. Sure you can ignore him but at the worst times he pops his ugly head up and reminds you of whats really going on. Nope, life as you knew it is over. She crossed the line over to infidelity and sadly there is no going back. So what can you do now ? Well I think your attitude in setting her straight about finances is great. Damn right your not gonna sit back while some other guy screws your WW on your dime. You need to expand on that line of thinking here. Nothing kills a fantasy more then a good dose of reality and truth. Cut her loose, allow her to have him, pack her fucking bags and drop them on his doorstep. See an attorney and find out your rights and responsibilities. File for D and dont stand there taking her shit. Let her experience the consequences of her actions. My guess is that the OM will run for the hills sooner than later. Sure he will give her some dramatic excuse why he cant be with her. But honestly who cares. He may even go to India with her. On her dime of course. But after he has drained her of what he can get. Both sexually and financially I might add. He is going to dump her. And her bullshit line that they did not have sex prior to her asking to leave you is just that, bullshit.

What you need to do is take a tough and stern approach here. Even while your heart is breaking this must be done. WS thrive on weakness and will suck the life out of you if your not carefull. If you show any sign of hurt and/or pain she will pick up on this and walk all over you. What you need to do is take care of yourself right now. Its not that easy my friend, but you need to make yourself the #1 priority here. Heal yourself, see a Dr if needed, lean on a support system, take time off if you have to. Inform your employer of whats going on. Your work is going to suffer big time. They need to know whats happening. Otherwise you might lose you job here as well. Protect yourself first and foremost. Two things are going to happen. Either she will come out of the fog or she wont. Prepare for that as well. If she wants the fantasy give it to her. With all the real life consequences that go along with it. Expose the A to anyone you feel needs to know. Tell the truth and things fall into place. Personally I'd go after the OM professionally. Let his students know what a POS he really is. Same goes for your WW. As I said chances are he will dump her ass quickly. And chances are she will come crawling back to you with her pleas for forgiveness. Well, if that happens you need to make her earn her way back in if our inclined to do so. Not with words but with actions. Make sure she finds out why she felt is was okay to do this. Make her work her ass off to become a better W. Perhaps at that point you dont want her back ? There is nothing wrong with that either. Affairs comes with possibility of losing your spouse. You are under no obligation to take her back. Make the A as difficult as possible. Dont brake the law in doing so. Hold your head up high as you did nothing wrong here. She is the offender. And she must face the consequences of her actions. Pleas keep posting and reading.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 5:36 AM, April 14th (Sunday)]


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5589 | Registered: Nov 2007
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

Hi Waits

So sorry you had to join us here honey. I have read your story and have no words of advice or wisdom.

She is so far in the fog she can't see an inch in front of her. Maybe she will wake up, maybe she won't.

Looking objectively at your story I hope she doesn't. I don't mean to sound cruel.

What I see is a man with integrity who is with a very screwed up woman.

I know this is all so painful. But from your story I think any future with her will just bring more pain. Tomorrow she may be remorseful and the next she will be off in farting unicorns and sparkles land. You are young. Please consider cutting ties and finding a woman who will appreciate you.

BIG HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2744 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

You have been given some amazing advice.

I just wanted to quote what stronge 08 said, because it is your first point of call in my opinion

Personally I'd go after the OM professionally. Let his students know what a POS he really is. Same goes for your WW. As I said chances are he will dump her ass quickly. And chances are she will come crawling back to you with her pleas for forgiveness.

Make the A as difficult as possible.

Good luck


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

So sorry for you. She keeps telling you how much she cares about you still (fog). She and the OM are living in a fantasy. But, that doesn't make anything any easier on you. You deserve better. Good for you in putting your foot down about the finances. If I were you, I would hire a moving van and drop her stuff off at the OM's place. Right now, she cares about herself and the fantasy that the OM is making for her. Don't give her a place to come back to.
As far as children goes, she may be truthful about that. My H and I didn't want children either. But, we changed our minds 4 yrs into our M. We had been together married and as a couple for 8 yrs and really believed we never wanted children. I was 34. It just changed. She may be having a lot of issues with the children department. If she has changed her mind, then let her go. If you stayed together, she would resent you for taking that opportunity from her. Your lives have taken different paths. It just so awful how she went about doing it. Chances are she has been thinking about children for a long time and knows your standpoint on it. She just seems like the type of person that can't move on with her life unless she has someone else lined up to share it with her first. I would still tell his boss.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 931 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

For sure their A started much sooner then you realize. No one just up and leaves without someone on the other side....this is sadly typical A behavior. You got blindsided and had no clue because she was planning and scheming behind your back. The OM probably dumped his girlfriend early and waited for your WW to do the same thing. And she keeps talking about having a baby? Are you sure she is not pregnant already?

I mean I know these are weird things to think about right now but sadly again we have seen it all on here.

I agree that your anger is helping you try to stay firm with her and uphold your boundries. Many linger for a long time and don't get to that point so good for you. Won't make it any less painful but it will help you from feeling crazy every time you talk to her.

Let all calls go to voicemail like others have said. I would put my then WS ringtone on silent so I would not look to pick it up all the time.

Hang in there.


Posts: 5629 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Waits
New Member
Member # 38983
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, April 14th (Sunday)

Thank You all for the great advice. To clear a few things up, when we talked of the divorce plans after the first week of her gone I told her I'm, not paying any of your bills, you will have all your belongings out of the house before the end of the month and we will be getting a divorce as soon as possible.
Two weeks later she moved all her stuff into storage, found an apartment, she moves in May 1st. She cashed in a bunch of her 401k to live off of (which will not last that long considering the penalties she paid). I got the keys back from her the day she moved out and told my building she is not allowed access or entry.

The thing with her is, she doesn't call or contact me. In fact for the first month it was all about finances and health insurance. She emails me very seldom. When she walked out it was like she never existed and neither did our marriage. If I didn't contact her a few weeks later to get some answers I don't think I would have seen her again. She flipped off the switch and moved on without so much as a goodbye. I read all about the fog and I couldn't believe it, she is exactly that. Exactly.
The only reason she has contacted me this week is because she fears I will tell a lot of people the truth. I am on the fence about it.

I also know from a mutual friend that my wife is wanting a divorce immediately. After finding that out my thought was to prolong the process and make her wait but she is so crazy right now I feel that I want to be legally free of her before she crashes and burns. I figure she is agreeing to my terms right now, I don't know how long that will last. If she ends up in India I don't want to have to locate her to serve her papers.

I feel that the best thing I can do for myself right now is completely ignore her, cut all ties of communication. File the divorce papers ( I have a meeting on Tuesday to do that) and have her served. Whenever I see her or talk to her in anyway she hurts me. Just looking at her in this state, she literally looks crazy, glazed over eyes talking yoga nonsense about how the Universe will provide and she doesn't care about money anymore. How great a mother she will be. Her story about wanting a kid maybe true but god help that baby. She will make a terrible mother, so self absorbed and uncaring.
She is not interested in trying to help me heal, and I already said everything I could say to her. She has nothing to add. Nothing but complete nonsense.

I truly believe she has no idea who she really is as a person because her core belief system changes so often, she creates personas of what she believes is herself and adapts all behavior according to that persona. It is in fact really creepy to be around her because she is literally a different person. She believes her story so much. She told her friend yesterday how great her life is, she is so happy now, her depression is gone. There is no way into her now. She severed the cord and has taken on a completely new personality.

I may or may not tell their yoga teachers. I feel that if it will help me heal I will do it but I won't do it out of revenge. I know they're going to explode, whether I act or not. The fuse is already burning, I don't need to light it.

I do have high standards for myself and others, I don't believe that telling the world is really going to do much for me in regards to healing. What I would like to do is hold them accountable for their actions because I feel they are a blight to the yoga community and they don't deserve to be teaching others about a path they are not following. So after the papers are signed I may have a private meeting with the head of their community because he would not tolerate this behavior for a second if he knew what was happening.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: New York
keptmyword
Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, April 14th (Sunday)

I told her she is not living in reality, she created a fantasy and a completely new persona around it. She became a different person. She cut off all ties to friends that would disagree with her. I told her that what she did was the most selfish, self centered thing she could have possibly done, that she cares about nothing but herself and no amount of yoga has ever changed that. She said "You're Right".

You have nailed it dead-on here. Well put and spot-on true. You know exactly what you are dealing with here and for the most part have dealt with it well. What she is doing is the ultimate in selfishness and complete absence of any thought for others' feelings or the impact on lives.

Trust me, I know it hurts tremendously. Just the confusion of how incredibly irrational it all is - is painful itself. You constantly ask your self " How can someone possibly be this way?", and there is no answer that is acceptable that eases the pain. It does seem though that you have immediately rejected any blame for her quite fucked-up behavior - that is huge. Embrace that. It is so vitally important that you realize that this has NOTHING to do with you or your marriage.

Your story is somewhat similar to mine. My STBXWW had deluded herself that she had found her love of fucking legends. It was such a blatant delusion, fantasy land, the perpetual-honeymoon with not a shred of reality associated with it. But, she did not come out and tell me about it. She instead, devised a despicable lie and deception that specifically used my unquestioned trust in her in order to conduct the affair. The deception added to their "forbidden-fruit" thrill and the more she had to delude herself that it was all written in the stars.

The plain truth of it was that the affair guy is just a predator who preys on broken women. They take advantage of weakness because they are easy kill - going after the weak and "sick" of the herd. For some men, "easy-kill" is all they can catch and that pretty effortless thrill is enough for their fractured egos as well as some self-perceived validation.

Now, as painful as it is, there are some aspects of this situation that you can actually be happy about - believe it or not.

One, you have no children together. That is tremendous in this situation because if you feel deep anguish and pain now, multiply that pain 100 times in intensity if there were children involved. Children, unquestionably get the worst of all this. I am dealing with trying to protect my children from the dysfunction and ugliness of the lies, deception, and betrayal of my STBXWW's irrational and immoral behavior. There is pain I have felt for myself and then there is the pain I will always feel for my children who's lives have been altered forever. You don't have to deal with that.

Two, you haven't been married very long and don't have much for assets between you so a divorce should be relatively easy and quick.

Three, it seems your wife's bi-polar/depression issues were going to come to a head at some point so it's better to see it now when married only 3.5 years than have this shit happen after being married for 20 years. You deserve an emotionally healthy partner and there are a lot of those out there. You don't want a ticking time-bomb of neurotic shit to detonate on you again.

Use your controlled anger to your advantage. I know you want answers to this mind-boggling irrational shit and want to vent to her. That's fine. But do not vent in any way that indicates to her that you are pining for her, miss her, love her, etc. Doing so will only enhance her delusion that what she is doing is right because, in her mind, if she has both her affair-guy AND you pining for her hand then she's feeling quite worthy - so why not keep doing what she's doing?

I agree with you about the mentally-ill aspect. I also think my STBXWW is also mentally-ill to some degree.

Be strong, deliberate, and determined.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 359 | Registered: May 2012
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, April 14th (Sunday)

Ohhhhh.

Yep take as much money as you can. Think of it as hardship payout.

Seriously she sounds awful!

Tell the head of the community afterwards: there is a reason he wouldn't tolerate it.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Waits
New Member
Member # 38983
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, April 15th (Monday)

I sent her a do not contact email last night. Told her she's paying for the divorce and I have an appointment tomorrow to fill out the forms.
It was actually really hard to hit the send button on that one. I felt so let down.

Now I'm so fucking angry. I am so unbelievably disappointed in her. There is no remorse, no apologies. She is just so cruel I can't even believe it.

I went through the phone records the other day. The first call to the OM was January 22nd and she left me February 23rd. Never looked back.
She completely believes that she found true happiness and she is no longer depressed. She was depressed for 30 years! Man, this is so textbook Bi-Polar mania and I feel like I'm the only one who sees it! Her god damn doctor said she was fine!

I know I'm better off and no part of me wants her back but I'm just so pissed at how cruel she is.
And yes, I'm glad she did this now and not 10 years from now. She saved me from a lifetime of psycho.

I've resorted to yelling in my apartment like I have tourettes. Maybe I should lay off the caffeine.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: New York
hailstormer
Member
Member # 35873
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, April 15th (Monday)

I scream so loud sometimes (when my kids are with him)I think the neighbors hear me even with the windows shut.
I also was throwing things one night had a rage with full hard water bottles and did some wall damage which I had to learn how to fix myself (hey I am a girl). I had to remind myself this is my property I am hurting now.
I posted on a subject this month you might be interested in and don't know exactly how to apply it to my message but you can find it in the Reconciliation Forum Dated April 1st and the Subject was "Feeling like you didn't matter to WS"
Might want to check this out your not the only one to feel like it was so easy for them to walk away and never look back
I am one of those and we were together over 20 years.
I miss him soooo much but then the next second I am so pissed he could do this to us and just move on like nothing especially with his hoe-worker. And she has laughed in my face but that is another story for another time. I will say I pretended her face was my wall and that one I didn't have to fix
Good Luck right now it will be very hard cause your at the beginning and there are going to be a lot of ups and downs. Keep on this site for support.


me(BS)-55
him(WS)-53
together 21 years
1st D-Day 4-19-10
2nd D-Day 5-3-12
married 19 years
2 kids 13-twins
Unfortunately...divorcing

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Florida
Waits
New Member
Member # 38983
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

Thanks for the reply. I did read the post. It was helpful and like so many others I will never understand because I don't have the capacity to do that to anyone, let alone my spouse.
It is still raw, I'm hurting.
I filed for divorce this afternoon. She really had no intentions to try to work out anything. She planned her escape and she got it.
Now we have 3-6 months before it goes through.

I want to lash out, scream and yell at them but I know it wouldn't help. It just sucks that I had no say in the matter, I wasn't involved in the decision process. No warning, No "we have to talk", fucking nothing but a see you later, you'll be better off without me.

And she's right about that.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: New York
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

I am sorry, Waits.
Such abrupt changes take a long time to process. Stronger08 gave you great advice.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2580 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
wonderpets
Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

That's the worst part, being tossed away so easy.

The only "good" thing was that there was no way I could be with someone that cold and cruel. When OM ditched my XWW, I had no desire for her half ass attempts to get back together.


Posts: 202 | Registered: Jun 2012
Waits
New Member
Member # 38983
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

I left the divorce papers for my STBXW this morning. She returned them signed a few hours later.

I mean I should be relieved but man, it feels like she spent as much time and effort on this as signing the receipt at a grocery store.
It just feels so heartless. So so cold. Who does this shit? It really hurts me, I didn't expect to get them back the same day!
What an evil bitch.

At least it's one step closer to the end and one step further away from her.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: New York
LeftBehind08
Member
Member # 38705
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

((waits))


Sometimes it's lonely, Sometimes it's only me & the shadows that fill this room...
But it's a great day to be alive & the sun still shines when I close my eyes ~Travis Tritt

Posts: 77 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington
rivenheart
Member
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

I want to lash out, scream and yell at them but I know it wouldn't help. It just sucks that I had no say in the matter, I wasn't involved in the decision process. No warning, No "we have to talk", fucking nothing but a see you later, you'll be better off without me.

I realize this probably sounds harsh and unsympathetic (to you), but you will be better off without her. I'm glad you can see all the crazy for what it is. I know that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt, and I'm sorry for all you've been through. It will get better though. Moving fast on the D was probably the smartest strategy, and having her sign so quickly will be a blessing in retrospect.

Hang in there and take it hour by hour if you have to.


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

riven has the right of it my brother.

You will laugh with great joy someday, that you dodged a whole hail of bullets...in the same place you screamed. Yes. You will laugh and move on.

Please, just make sure you come back here and tell us about it.
A dam good joke will do.
It'll help other riven hearts heal up and make do. Girlz like fireman stories.
Menz like surfing and beer.

So the plan is to move to Hawaii and join the fire department.


Posts: 6482 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Waits
New Member
Member # 38983
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

Thank You Rivenheart and jjct. You're both right. I will be better off and I definitely dodged a lot of bullets. It will be 2 months from the day she told me tomorrow.

I made a list over the weekend of "The Reality of Being Married to My WW" I came up with 50 items rather quickly. All things I was dealing with in regards to her and all the needs I had that weren't being fulfilled.
I wanted a reference for when she comes back knocking on the door.
Now I also know from this list will come the things I need to work on so I don't find myself in relationships that repeat the same cycle.
I also in time need to explore what it is inside me that seeks out relationships with people who won't give me what I need and why I felt I didn't deserve better. This I have been doing in therapy.

Now I've just been in a daze that no amount of caffeine can stop. Still having bad dreams about my WW. I continue to feel that something was ripped out of me. Emotionally all over the place and definitely taking it hour by hour.

I picked up the book "How to survive the loss of a love" which has been really helpful.
Have another massage this week and trying to stay busy doing nothing in particular.

Thank You all for replying and giving me advice. It has helped me immensely.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 23