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Butterfly7904
New Member
Member # 38988
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, April 14th (Sunday)

Soo here's my story... I have been happily married for 10 years, together for 12. I have 3 beautiful daughters ages 4,7 and 9. Everything in our marriage was amazing. We just built our dream home 3 years ago, and just finished purchasing a vacation cottage at a lake we spend our summers at every year. My husband went on a trip to Vegas with his parents and 3 bros for a weekend in oct /12 and ended up talking to a woman and getting her number. Two days later he called her to meet up and spent the night dancing and ended up back at her room at the Venetian and had sex. He left to come home the next day and proceeded to start calling her. (she is from Austin tx) At the end of nov a friend of ours invited my husband to go on a trip he won to San Antonio tx and my husband went. I have now found out he took a taxi (after his friend went to his room) 1 1/2 hrs tonaustin and spent the night with her. He continued texting and talking all through Xmas until I found out at midnight on new years when I saw a text she sent him saying " thanks baby I will drive safe". He admitted to just talking to her and said he tried to see her in Texas but he couldnt make it work. But on jan 22 I found a call on our phone bill to me from Austin tx so I knew he had met up with her. I confronted him and he admitted to having et up with her and having sex. I have never felt pain like his before in my life. We are in MC and he is completely remorseful. He doesn't know why he did it. He says he still loved me and was completely happy in our marriage. The only reason he can think of is that he was caught up in all the compliments she was giving him and he couldn't believe she was interested in him. (especially when he told her he was married with three kids when he met her). He said he felt no guilt while he was doing it, that he didn't think he would ever lose us ( that is hard for me to believe) I love this man more than anything in this world and honestly I have never seen him cry or break down as much as he has since this happened. He is completely transparent and has been more than willing to do anything I ask of him. I am just having sooo much trouble getting over this. I have always said that If my spouse were to cheat on me I would leave because obviously they don't love me. So now it feels like I am not being true to myself. I have talked to and texted the OW and she is completely unremorseful telling me that she is hurting too, and that I should go take care of my f&$king kids and leave them to be happy together. Thank god she is 5000mileas away because I don't think I could do his if she lived near us. Thats it in a nutshell


Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
Married 10yrs
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas

Reconciling


Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
permanentpain
Member
Member # 38312
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, April 14th (Sunday)

It is devastating to deal with betrayal and I personally found the fact that everything in our life was going well that made it worse because it took me totally by surprise. No inkling, no change in behavior, just a happy go lucky guy with his family, NOT! It seems like your husband is doing the things he should do. So now focus on taking care of you. IC if you can afford it in order for you to sort out this mess of feelings. NC with the OW, all she will do is make you feel worse. Don't give her any power over you. Sorry you are here, but the advice and support is wonderful. Blessings to you and your family. ((butterfly))


Me: 32 y/o, student and mom of two of the best kids in the world
Him: 33 y/o scumbag
Divorcing
Feels good to start laughing and feeling better again...

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Island
noprincess
Member
Member # 38660
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, April 14th (Sunday)

Hi Butterfly7904,

So sorry you are here. I know you are in deep pain and possibly even more confusion. All that is normal and to be expected given the betrayal you have endured.

Don't be too hard on yourself right now. I think all of us have been in the position of thinking that if our spouse betrayed us, we would leave them - that for us cheating is a deal breaker. However, real life, real relationships, the investment of time, love and children often alter the equation. That is why you need to take time to process all the factors in your situation and make informed decisions based on your H's actions, not just his words or feelings.

I would add not to give the OW any power or oxygen by contacting her in any way. She is NOT part of your marriage. Give no ground here and demand NC from your H as well.

Things are slow here on the weekends, but I'm sure the vetrans will be along to offer more wisdom. Listen to them. Read the Healing Library and keep posting. Everyone here cares about you and wants to help you through this.

Hugs (((Butterfly7904)))

[This message edited by noprincess at 5:34 PM, April 14th (Sunday)]


"Never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill

Posts: 138 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
30Rocked
New Member
Member # 38781
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, April 14th (Sunday)

I'm so sorry. Personally, I'd recommend reading the "Shattered Vows" article in the Healing Library. I didn't think I could stay with a cheater either, but the article at least opened my mind to working through it.

Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: 30Rocked
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, April 14th (Sunday)

Ah sweetheart, I am so sorry that you have the reason to find us here, but I am so glad that you DID find us for support.

If you have not already, please look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library and start reading. It''s full of really good articles for you. Also read any post on this forum that has a bulls-eye on it. Also good information.

This affair has nothing to do with you. It has to do with your WHs brokenness. If he is as remorseful as you say, there are a few things that you and he need to do immediately.

1. Draft a letter (email) of NC (no contact). This should be simple and to the point.
OW, I have made a grave mistake. I do not love you. I love my wife and my family. Do not ever contact me again. I never want to hear from you again. WH Send it. If you Wh has any hesitation about this, show him your email from OW that tells you to Go To Hell with you Fricking Kids. If he hesitates after that, boot him out of the house.

2. He gives you complete transparency with all of his electronic devices. You get his passwords to his phone, his computer, SKYPE, any IM service, his bank accounts, etc. Anywhere that he might be able to contact the OW or hide money from you.

3. He sees an IC/MC immediately. One who is experienced with infidelity and whose mission is to get to the bottom of issues and preserve the marriage.

If he violates any of the above, then you have a tough choice, but one that if you waiver on, will cause you on-going pain and suffering. You need to cut him off. From the 180 and detatchment, to in-house separation, to booting him out, and in all cases, seeing a lawyer to find out what your legal rights are for yourself and to PROTECT your children. If he is not crawling on his knees to agree to whatever you need to have the possibility to save your marriage, then you need to act in a cold, swift, and sure manner. Because a pod-person has taken over your WH. He is not the person who you married. You must protect your family from that pod person until it regains it''s mind or until you have successfully protected and separated your family from it.

Harsh words, I do know. I''m so very sorry. But no matter what you did or did not do in your marriage, he chose to insert a nuclear blast into the middle of it. Contain it, or suffer radiation burns. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, April 14th (Sunday)

Hi butterfly,

I'm sorry you are hurting right now but I'm very glad you found us. There are a lot of people on this site that have been in your position and we will give you all the support you need.

It is good that your WH is completely transparent and I hope that he stays that way. It will be instrumental to your healing.

Please do not contact the OW anymore. It will just hurt you and give her the ego boost she so desperately wants.

It sounds like your WH is a compartmentalizer. My WH is the same way. He also said it never occurred to him that he would damage our M because he was sure I would never find out about it. It sounds stupid, but it is what it is.

There are many articles on this site that will be helpful to you and some that will help your WH realize how you are feeling and the devastation he has brought to your M. You can find them in the healing library.

Please continue to read and post. We are here for you!


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1156 | Registered: Jul 2012
Butterfly7904
New Member
Member # 38988
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, April 14th (Sunday)

thank you everyone who has responded...I still cant believe this is happening. Skan..thank you so much, my WH did call her infront of me a few hours after I found out and told her that it is over and that he chooses his family and that he loves us and I am 100% confident he has not contacted her again. I have access to all phone records as well as I have been monitoring everything. i just cant stand the thought of having to do this forever. I am soo ANGRY sometimes, angry at him, at her at myself for trusting so much...Even though it has been a few months I think sometimes I am still in complete shock. He was everything to me. I treated him like gold and I respected him as a father and husband so much. He's not a flirt or partier, he has always been affectionate,loving and trustworthy.I guess it just took one night of drinking and a woman willing to hit on and sleep with a married man with three kids. He honestly has done EVERYTHING possible to make this right. Even going on his own to talk to my father and tell him how much he loves me and wants to fix what he has done. I guess its just my pride and anger that is making this soo hard to get through. I cant stop wanting to contact the OW.It really bothers me that he told her he was unhappy/ He says now he didnt mean it, just that he was saying that to her and himself to excuse what he was doing. I want sooo badly for her to see that he does love me and what a POS she is. But I do realise that she is selfcentered and will probably never see herself the way I see her. I found her facebook and twitter and she posts pics of herself daily, and I cant stop looking. My MC said to stop that it is not helpful in moving on but i feel like I need to for some reason. Im still triggering daily over any mention of Texas, Vegas or the songs they sent to eachother I cant turn the radio to country because she loved country and told him to download the new george stait song "give it all we got tonight" and i found it on his phone. Our MC thinks Im stuck and need to figure out a way to move forward so we have a chance. I just cant stop going over the details in my head. I asked him about everything from positions to detailed conversations. Things like him talking and texting her xmas eve and morning, my birthday, new years, before and after our girls xmas concerts,that stuff REALLY bothers me, as well as all the pics he sent her of himself and even some with our girls. Sorry to vent, i guess I am still stuck. lol


Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
Married 10yrs
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas

Reconciling


Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, April 14th (Sunday)

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you have to join this club. My STBXH's whore is from Texas too (Houston). Must be something with Texas and skanky homewreckers!

I hope you can find the support you need here while your trying to reconcile. I don't have any advice is my WH wanted the divorce and is moving his Texas skank here to live with him. We are divorcing.

ETA: I have triggers about Texas too. When I saw in the news the other day about that mass stabbing at the college in Houston, I got sick to my stomach. Not only because of the crime, but because it happened in Houston.

[This message edited by newlysingle at 11:56 PM, April 14th (Sunday)]


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 902 | Registered: Mar 2013
Butterfly7904
New Member
Member # 38988
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, April 15th (Monday)

Newlysingle... I'm soo sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how painful this would be for me if he had chosen her over us. I already feel like I am at my limit! I saw that in the news too and had to turn the channel. Is it just me, or does it seem like Texas is mentioned everywhere? I live in Canada and even this far away I see it everywhere! Thank you for sharing your story with me... I don't feel quite so alone anymore.


Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
Married 10yrs
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas

Reconciling


Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
PanicAttack53
Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, April 15th (Monday)

I'm so sorry you are going though this and find yourself here. Please know you are not alone, and also that you've found a great support system to help you through this.

i just cant stand the thought of having to do this forever.

You won't. As horrible as this is now, It WILL get better. Time is going to be your new four letter word. But time is what is needed now. Time to take care of yourself... first and foremost. Time to ask the questions you need answered. Time to hopefully get yourself in IC. AND most importantly, taking this shitty mess "One Day at a Time".

I am soo ANGRY sometimes, angry at him, at her at myself for trusting so much.

I know, I know... but you need to realize that this is normal. This whole thing is a crazy roller coaster ride. Your emotions will swing in every direction imaginable for the next 4-6 months. Just try to hang on and not fall off during the ride. Do not beat yourself up over trusting him. That is what a person with morals and character does. We love and trust unconditionally so we never even think of suspecting anything bad about our life partners. That doesn't make us stupid. On the contrary, it makes us good human beings. NEVER beat yourself up over being a good person.

Even though it has been a few months I think sometimes I am still in complete shock.

YOU ARE!! Listen... you've just had your whole world blow up in your face. Who wouldn't be in shock from that!? As you continue to read here, you'll see reams of information on how this shock can linger and cause any number of mental and physical aliments. That's why it's of paramount importance to take the best care of YOU now that you can. Get into IC a.s.a.p. Don't be shy or afraid to ask your doctor for meds to help you sleep or for anxiety/depression. There is no shame in doing this as 90% of us had to in the beginning.

I am just having sooo much trouble getting over this.

This is also normal and you can't rush the processing your brain must go through because of it. On average, it takes between 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. Go to your local library or book store and look for a couple books named "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass and "Surviving Betrayal" by Alice May. Both will help you understand what you are feeling now.

I have talked to and texted the OW and she is completely unremorseful telling me that she is hurting too, and that I should go take care of my f&$king kids and leave them to be happy together.

No, No... AND Please! No! Do not do this anymore. Realize that this person is damaged and that you can not control that or her. Any additional contact with her will only serve to cause you additional pain and suffering. Allow her to just fade away and deal with her own broken, self centered life. She is not worth even a moment of your time as evidenced by your last conversation with her.

Good luck to you and remember to come back and post here as often as you need to. There are many here in all phases of your situation who are ready and willing to offer support.


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
PanicAttack53
Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, April 15th (Monday)

Couple more things....

Our MC thinks Im stuck and need to figure out a way to move forward so we have a chance.

I think you need to get another MC a.s.a.p. I'm really serious about this. It sounds like your MC has no working knowledge of what it takes to recover from Infidelity. If that is the case (and from what you stated above it is) then FIRE your MC immediately and find one who is trained in dealing with Infidelity. DO NOT put up with anyone who says things like "you need to figure out a way to move forward." or You need to get over this already." Please know that is total bullsh!t and you do not have to listen to, or believe a word of it!

Im still triggering daily over any mention of Texas, Vegas or the songs they sent to eachother I cant turn the radio to country because she loved country and told him to download the new george stait song "give it all we got tonight" and i found it on his phone

This is also normal and one of the worse things to deal with in Infidelity. Know that you will continue to trigger for sometime to come. As you begin to process each trigger, they will begin to subside and others will then take their place. Also, don't be surprised if the triggers evoke panic attacks (see my handle). One thing that helped me with triggers was to try to mentally envision then associate something different about whatever I was triggering on. If it's Texas for you, when the trigger comes up, try and mentally envision flowing oil or cattle or cute cowboys... whatever will work to change the mental picture from bad to good by re-associating it in your mind.

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 1:27 AM, April 15th (Monday)]


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 15th (Monday)

Everything PanicAttack53 said!!! Listen to this excellent advice and get a new MC ASAP. This one hasn't got a clue about the pain of betrayal from infidelity and will not be of any help to you but may cause you more harm. Please do not go back to this MC again. You have been traumatized in one of the worst ways possible by someone you loved and trusted. You have to go through it to get over it. There are no short cuts.

Please get checked for STD's and also your WH needs to be checked as well. So sorry for you and your children. I hope he is truly remorseful and not just regretful, time will tell. How does he feel now knowing that he effed a whore that tells his wife to take his effing kids and go away to leave the two of them to be happy? I want to slap him for you.


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, April 15th (Monday)

I found her facebook and twitter and she posts pics of herself daily, and I cant stop looking. My MC said to stop that it is not helpful in moving on but i feel like I need to for some reason. Im still triggering daily over any mention of Texas, Vegas or the songs they sent to eachother I cant turn the radio to country because she loved country and told him to download the new george stait song "give it all we got tonight" and i found it on his phone. Our MC thinks Im stuck and need to figure out a way to move forward so we have a chance. I just cant stop going over the details in my head. I asked him about everything from positions to detailed conversations. Things like him talking and texting her xmas eve and morning, my birthday, new years, before and after our girls xmas concerts,that stuff REALLY bothers me, as well as all the pics he sent her of himself and even some with our girls. Sorry to vent, i guess I am still stuck. lol

Hmmm. I think your MC lacks experience in this. I did EXACTLY the same thing you did. In fact, your WH's A sounds very much like my WH's.

I found out everything I could about MOW. Saw her Facebook, LinkedIn, every website she posted comments or reviews on and Pinterest. I was able to discern a LOT about her personality and also the fact that she had been stalking me online long before I knew she had existed.

Eventually, after I beat the subject to death (figuratively speaking) I got bored and have lost interest in looking at it. Oh yes, occasionally I have taken a look and have been happy to see where she got run over by the karma bus. But 11 mos out, I am not possessed by it any more.

I believe that it is better to stare at something until you are bored and looking at it no longer arouses any emotion. It's what the military does when it's training assassins. You WILL eventually stop feeling the need to look. At that point you WILL find the OW no longer takes up space in your head.

BTW, based on her comment, your OW doesn't give a darn about your kids. Neither did WH's MOW. They are in it for the game. "Stealing" a married man makes them feel powerful and gives them selfworth. You need to keep in mind how pissed off she is. She couldn't steal him away despite having a headstart in her "game". You have frustrated her beyond belief. She is miserable.

If you want to twist the knife, I would recommend making sure she could find you on Pinterest (or Instagram, etc) and that you post things that make it look like your life has gone on unaffected. You know, post pictures of possible decor for your master bedroom; Christmas ideas; family vacation ideas. Get the pic? Be subtle. Don't post anything that would make her think you are hurting or desperate to save your M.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 857 | Registered: Jun 2012
bunnie
New Member
Member # 38953
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, April 15th (Monday)

The ladies have given you some great advice.

I don't have anything to add except:

I am so so sorry for you that you are going through this and I will pray for you!


Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2013
Butterfly7904
New Member
Member # 38988
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, April 15th (Monday)

thank you everyone for your advice and for sharing your stories, it is helping me immensley, i dont feel soo alone anymore. Just to clarify, my MC has been saying that I should be having more good days by now. (my husband tells her about every blow up or break down I have) She thinks I am doing it more to punnish him and make him show remorse...which if Im honest, sometimes I am.I have honestly put him through the ringer and he is still here but he's not sure how much more he can take without some hope of good days. This last week I have felt a bit better but I still have triggers and meltdowns. I have a hard time believing when he says he didnt think about me and the girls at all when he was with OW and how he had NO guilt then but now he is devestated and has soo much guilt and remorse


Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
Married 10yrs
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas

Reconciling


Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
SeeThingsNow1
Member
Member # 38241
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, April 15th (Monday)

my hubby had his EA fling with an old canadian hag and I am from texas and cant stand to hear anything about canada lol they are everywhere everywhere.....

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
Butterfly7904
New Member
Member # 38988
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, April 15th (Monday)

seethingsnow1...LMAO they are everywhere..sorry on behalf of my country, please dont hold it against ALL of us.


Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
Married 10yrs
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas

Reconciling


Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, April 15th (Monday)

Just to clarify, my MC has been saying that I should be having more good days by now.

You are only 3 mos out. She's wrong. Eventually, yes. With time you will notice a trend towards improvement and more good days.

It will get better with time. Just don't let anyone pressure you into a timetable.

Hugs


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 857 | Registered: Jun 2012
PanicAttack53
Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, April 15th (Monday)

B7904,

Just to clarify, my MC has been saying that I should be having more good days by now.

OK, gently here... To tell you this being only 3 months out is not only dead wrong... It.Is.Insane!! You need to dump this MC NOW! She is ill equipped to deal with the unique issues regarding infidelity. She is also going to cause you more pain and suffering due to her ignorance. Please for your own sake... don't allow her to continue to make you the bad guy in this... because You.Are.Not!!!

my husband tells her about every blow up or break down I have

Gently again... this is total bullsh!t and straight out of the cheaters handbook. It's a tactic used by them to deflect from the real issue. In SI speak this is called "Blame Shifting", "Rug Sweeping" and "Compartmentalizing". Any therapist with a working knowledge of infidelity would have called him out on this immediately. Since she didn't, you need to. Do not allow him to put this back on you!

She thinks I am doing it more to punnish him and make him show remorse...which if Im honest, sometimes I am.

Sorry, but this is also total hogwash. Punish him!? No sweetie... you're beating yourself up again here... and allowing a misinformed MC to do the same. You have every right in the world to feel the way you do.... WITHOUT regard for "his" feelings right now. If you really wanted to punish him as you say... you would have already seen a lawyer, filed for D, and be in the process of taking him for everything he's worth. BTW, you have every right to do that as well. The bottom line here is that he should be thanking you on his knees for not kicking him to the curb already.

he's not sure how much more he can take without some hope of good days.

OK, he's kidding on this one right? HE'S.NOT.SURE!!?? I've gotta tell you, this is a very cruel statement coming from him at this stage. So let me get this straight in my mind... (because I have to tell you it makes no sense to me at all). He cheats on you, lies to you, tells you he felt NO guilt while doing it... and THEN has the stones to whine about not having any good days!? Well boo freakin hoo for him. The poor misunderstood baby.

Please wake up Butterfly. He is NOT the victim in this... YOU ARE! You are the betrayed party. You are the one who has had their world explode. You are the one who has had her safety net cut out from under her. You are the one with the triggers and suffering from every other malady that comes from betrayal. Sorry but his statement reeks of self pity, and is nowhere close to remorse.

Until he comes out of the fog and realizes that HE alone blew your M up by cheating, and does everything in his power right the ship to YOUR satisfaction... sorry but he doesn't get nor deserve any "good" days... And it certainly isn't your job to see he does.

I'm sorry if that last part sounded harsh. Over the last 2 years, I've seen countless BS's here suffer needlessly because they couldn't wrap their head around "who" was at fault regarding infidelity. You need to know this and let it sear into your mind... No matter what the M was like prior to an affair... it is NEVER the BS's fault the affair happened. Always remember this... you have 50% responsibility in your M. You have ZERO responsibility for his affair.


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
Butterfly7904
New Member
Member # 38988
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Okay...so i am having a breakdown. Tonight a woman tries to friend me on facebook from Texas. i realize it is the friend of the woman my husband slept with. She tells me that my husbands friend who was in vegas with him and texas was sleeping with her. They spent the whole weekend together..not just one night like my husband told me. So I went and told his wife and she is devestated of course. My husband came clean and said he had only been lying about the weekend because he didnt want to ruin his friends marriage as well as ours. He told me that they didnt use condoms and he did come inside her (sorry tmi)I cant believe how disgusting this is. Also the woman who my husbands friend slept with brought her two kids to the hotel in texas and got an adjoining room to share. its sooo disgusting and sick I cant get over it. My husband who said he has had NC with her since jan has now said he contacted her twice but only because i was sending her nasty texts and he was scared she would tell about his friend> Im soo confused! he said he meant everything he said in MC and that he is sooo sorry and disgusted with what happened and that he didnt want to keep lying but he didnt want to be responsible for ruining his friends marriage. what do I do? Im sooo hurt. i was finding it hard to get over the details of hime sleeping with her 2 times let alone a whole weekend? im soo devestated... i feel like i dont even know him?


Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
Married 10yrs
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas

Reconciling


Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
PanicAttack53
Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Ah Butterfly, I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

What your WH did is called TT (or trickle truth) here. Unfortunately, you need to brace yourself for more details coming out down the road. I went through 4 months of lies, half truths and bullshit before I got the complete story of what happened in my stbxWW's two A's. And she wasn't the one to tell me. I had to discover it when I recovered over 10,000 emails. Many here on SI have gone through years of this and still don't know the whole truth. Again, I'm so sorry for you!

Well, now you need to decide if this additional info is a deal breaker for you, or if you still think you can, or want to R with this man. Only you can decide.

As for the additional hurt and pain, I totally get that. Every discovery is like a new mini d-day and throws you right down the rabbit hole again. Please step back and restart your vigilance to take care of yourself. Try to eat and drink water as best you can. Also rest and exercise as much as possible.

As always, we'll be here when you need us.

((((Butterfly7904))))

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 4:49 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 60 | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 868 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Sorry Butterfly. Very often they don't tell the entire truth, minimizing to protect themselves. I call BS on protecting his friend, he was worried about himself.

Now you can understand why he was all over the MC about you getting over this; he had more that he was hiding. MC is not a good thing if your spouse is still lying. It will do nothing to help your marriage and only hurt you more. IC, in my opinion is better at this point.

Unfortunately, this happens frequently. My husband let me believe the affair was only for a weekend that I was away. Then, when I found more phone records, he admitted it was closer to four months. While transferring data from his old laptop to the new one, I found a calendar reminder for her birthday.... three months prior to the second date he admitted to. Who the hell knows what the truth is. This infuriated me; I told him since he couldn't "remember" exactly when the affair began or how many times he sent her flowers, I was going to forget I was married!

I don't remember if you have started the 180 but I suggest you look it up in the Healing Library and begin to protect yourself. Also, skip the MC and save your money. Am thinking a new outfit or smoking pair of shoes would be more beneficial to you now.

[This message edited by TheClimb at 3:38 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 462 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry butterfly....TT is like death by a thousand paper cuts...just tell us all and let us start to heal already!

You did the right thing telling the friend's wife...do either of the OW's have spouses? They need to know too...

When you're ready...I found this article very useful in explaining to H what I needed - and why (helped me understand too...) it's long but sooo worth it...It explains the whole fall out to the WS and steps to take to help us heal...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=478824

Maybe your MC would benefit from reading it too...

Sorry you find yourself here butterfly...



Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Butterfly7904
New Member
Member # 38988
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

yes the one who facebooked me has a husband and 2 kids and she said she left her husband for my husbands friend and that she thought he should be outed too. The OW my WH slept with is single 40 no kids. i also found out in MC today that he has contacted OW since R just because i was texting her and she was getting mad and he didnt want her blowing his friends cover... so my marriage councellor said to take a few days to think about whether I want to start "R" all over or if i have reached my limit. I dont know what to do as I truly loved this man and my marriage with all my heart.


Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
Married 10yrs
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas

Reconciling


Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, April 19th (Friday)

I'm sorry you've experienced this trickle truth - and I agree with PanicAttack53 - brace yourself in case there is still more to come. If your husband and his friend are now telling the truth, then the 'friend' of OW actually left her husband for someone she's only physically met once (the weekend away) - it seems to me there is more to this whole story than you currently have. If you are going to R, you need ALL of the truth - I hope you're getting it now.


I agree with TheClimb too. Protecting his friend was a convenient excuse for your husband. He was protecting himself first and foremost.


I hope you come back here to get more support - whatever you decide to do.


(((Butterfly7904)))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
stillsad1970
Member
Member # 38977
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, April 19th (Friday)

I'm so sorry you are here and are hurting so much.

My advise is do not contact the OW. My H OW asked me to come to her work, where my H works so we could talk about it. Are you fucken kidding me? I said n o thank you and politely hung up the phone.
I WON. And something finally felt good.

Stay here and let everything out.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, April 19th (Friday)

OW actually left her husband for someone she's only physically met once (the weekend away) - it seems to me there is more to this whole story than you currently have. If you are going to R, you need ALL of the truth

This^^^^^^^^^^
IMHO, you still don't have all of the truth. They have been involved with these women a lot longer than one weekend. No way is a MOW with kids going to leave her M for a strange man she only met for one weekend. Nope, no way, nada! They have been involved a hell of a lot longer than one weekend. You only know the tip of the iceberg. I think that they "arranged" this met up in Vegas before they ever left home. They didn't just happen to meet these women by chance. He is lying to you to protect himself and maybe the OW too. Time for you and the other BW to get to the bottom of this and find out how long this has been going on and how much marital money was spent on these women. You all need to get tested for STD's.

Also, the OW may come back with the "I'm pregnant" line to try to get your WH back. Be prepared for that just in case. Doesn't mean she really is pregnant and if she is, it doesn't mean that it is actually your WH's baby. OW lie as well as cheat. So sorry for the pain that you are suffering. It will take a long time to heal. Please find a MC that has experience with infidelity. Your current one is not equipped to help you. As long as your WH is still lying MC isn't going to do any good anyway. You would be better served to find an IC that can help you with the trauma of infidelity. How is the other BW doing? Have you told her about SI?


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
Butterfly7904
New Member
Member # 38988
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, April 19th (Friday)

I believe I have the whole truth now... My friend has talked to the other woman's husband ( who was amazingly compassionate) and he had a private detective on his wife so he has text messages between his wife and my friends husband. It pretty much confirmed everything we now know. My friend is devestated, not eating or sleeping and I am trying to help her as best I can but to be honest I am a mess as well. All these lies these two men told to keep it a secret. I feel like all the progress we were making in mc is gone. He did admit that as well as covering for his buddy he also did not want me to know that he had spent the WHOLE weekend with her and all the other details because he thought I would leave for sure. Now I know why he was so upset about me contacting OW, he didn't want her pissed off because she would blow his friends cover. So every time I texted her, he called her to smooth it over so she wouldn't tell. I feel like he through me under the bus all over again. She is definitely not pregnant, this happened in dec and I have seen pics of her recently and she does not look pregnant.


Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
Married 10yrs
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas

Reconciling


Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
cupcakegirl
Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, April 19th (Friday)

((Butterfly))

he didnt want to keep lying but he didnt want to be responsible for ruining his friends marriage. what do I do?

Your WH did not ruin his friends marriage. His friend ruined his own M all my his own wittle self. This is about your WH's own hind-end which is selfish, selfish, selfish...Your WH made his own choice to cheat, and his cheater friend, made his own choice. Each WS is responsible for his/her choices.

Remember cheaters will say anything to shift that blame and put themselves in to a better light. Damage control 101.

I agree w/others. You need to be ready for more details. And please, please, please get a new MC- like yesterday!

peace and strength to you- ccg


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, April 19th (Friday)

Sweetheart, first off, fire your MC. It''s not personal, it''s just that right now, until you have a truly remorseful and truthful WH, you''re wasting your money. The money would be better spent on IC for the two of you.

Next, do you have ALL of his passwords to every bit of electronic gear or media that he owns? Facebook page (which frankly should be deactivated), phone(s), computers, etc? You need it because he''s obviously keeping in touch with the OW.

And yes, this is probably not his first rodeo. His and his friend''s stories are about as fishy as the inside of a sea lion. It''s time for him to produce a timeline with Every Fricking Thing on it. Everything.

Next, you and he need to get STD/HIV screening. You cannot trust that he actually used a condom for every bit of sexual encounters that he had. And you need to physically see his results, because you cannot trust him to be truthful about them.

I think that it''s time for you to detatch and figure out what you want. In three short months, you have been betrayed, lied to, and had a 2nd DDay. Getting some mental distance to figure out what you truly need and what your non-negotiable demands is necessary. The 180 is meant for you to have the mental separation to do that (link here http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11).

And it''s probably past time that you saw a lawyer to find out what your legal rights are. You don''t have to act on it, you don''t have to make a decison right now, but you do need to know, and your WH needs to start realizing that his actions have consequences that are going to be far-reaching and years long. On your side, you need to know what you and your children are legally entitled to, if he doesn''t pull his head out of his ass. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Butterfly7904
New Member
Member # 38988
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, April 19th (Friday)

I do have access to his phone, phone bills,computer, (he doesnt have facebook)I have told him I dont know if i am going to try again, that i need time. he went yesterday and got a full std checkup and the doctor is mailing me the results within two weeks. I had my yearly checkup with full screening after i found out in january and I am good. i do believe he has told me everything finally because I just have two many resources now. The husband of his friends OW had plenty of info from his Private investigator as well as from his wife. He is setting up IC this week and we are seeing a MC on Monday. We sat down and did a timeline for 3 hours and it was VERY detailed and very hurtful. He told me things he didnt have too (private conversations that were very hurtful to me) that i would never have found out about. he went over every day he was with her and every touch, kiss, position, pictures, restaurants, gifts etc.. in one weekend in Texas him and his buddy managed to accomplish alot. Limo rides, basketball game, swimming pools, shopping, drinking, dancing, showering etc. He even said he felt no guilt and he doesnt know why. only that he didnt think about me and the girls when he was with her. Over the past two days he has rememebered some more details and shared them, even knowing how much i am hurting. I have told him he cannot contact his friend anymore and his friends wife has said the same.i dont know what i will do, but im am sure of one thing....he loves me and he is truly remorseful. now that she is not holding something over him, he called up the OW infront of me and Blasted her. (she had sent a mean text to me) He told her he never felt anything for her and he was sorry but he used her. he told her he loved me and that she was and would be the biggest regret of his life. He told her that i am more beautiful inside and out than she could ever hope to be and that even if i leave him, he will spend the rest of his life loving me. he told her he never wants to hear from or think about her again and that she should do the same.


Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
Married 10yrs
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas

Reconciling


Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, April 19th (Friday)

Maybe I'm reading something wrong here, but.....there is something very, very wrong with this *story*.

Maybe I just need some clarification (fucking TT always muddies everything up! Grrr.)

So...
Your WH went to Vegas in Oct 12 to meet up with his parents and 3 brothers.
Is ^^^that correct and true?

And then you said this: "my husbands friend who was in vegas with him"
Your WH's friend went to Vegas to hang with WH's family also?

You said WH went to Vegas for a weekend but the timeline doesn't make sense to me. When you said weekend, I assumed that he left on Friday and went home on Sunday. But you said that he talked to a woman, got her number, called her 2 days later, took her out dancing and then had sex with her. And then came home the next day.
Is that still the story? Did his family not find it odd that he blew them off on his last night there?

So the San Antonio trip in Nov 12. I'm assuming it was CheaterFriend that supposedly *won* this trip?

And how long had the CheaterFriend's OW's BH had a PI on her? When did she announce that she was leaving her BH for CheaterFriend?


I am 100% confident he has not contacted her again. I have access to all phone records as well as I have been monitoring everything.

He honestly has done EVERYTHING possible to make this right


You made ^^^these statements last Sunday.

You had been monitoring everything and you were 100% confident that he hadn't contacted her since January. But now he's admitted that he was still in contact with her...so what gives? How did he call her and circumvent your monitoring?

You need to be very wary of your WH right now, Butterfly. You now know a lot of things about your WH that are incredibly unpleasant....and I'm not even counting the cheating.

He let you THINK that you knew everything. He had you CONVINCED that he was remorseful He was making *you* look like the one with the problem during your MC sessions. ALL WHILE HE KNEW he was STILL in contact with her and STILL lying to you and STILL complicit in CheaterFriend's affair.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:10 PM, April 19th (Friday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8034 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, April 19th (Friday)

Am I missing something here? If your WH met the OW randomly while with his family how then did his friend hook up with OW's friend on the trip to Texas? Weren't all involved strangers? Yet she was going to D her BH after one weekend with a stranger? How is it that your WH's friend's OW BH had a PI if that was the first time?


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
Butterfly7904
New Member
Member # 38988
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, April 20th (Saturday)

Okay I think i have complicated things by trying to summerize to much. And the fact that the truth has been coming out in intervals. Ugh. Here is what I know to be true:
Thurs Oct25 my Wh,bros and parents go to vegas to watch the drag races.
Fri Oct 26 My Wh and bros meet up with some buddies from our town who are also in Vegas at a lounge in the Venetian hotel. They meet the two girls from texas and everyone leaves except for my wh, his buddy and the two ow. They close the pub down and walk the girls to their room where my wh has sex on the couch and his buddy has sex on the bed with ow.
Sat My wh's buddy flies home
sun nothing
mon my wh calls ow and meets up with them both.dances, drinks and goes back to room for sex while ow is passed out on bed.
Tues my wh flies home
Nov 01 My wh buys another cell phone and begins texting and calling ow. He gives his buddy the other girls number and his buddy starts calling and texting her too.
November calling and texting
december My wh and his buddy decide they HAVE to meet up with these girls again. his buddy has a trip he got at an auction to anywhere in the states to watch a basketball game. They decide thats how they can get to texas.

Dec 06 arrive san antonio airport. Ow picks up my wh and his friend and takes them to marriott. they get three rooms because the ow of his buddys has two little boys that she is bringing (so sick)
Dec 06-09 they all shop, eat, have sex, swim, have sex,go to basketball game, have sex, you get the picture
Dec09-31 calls, texting,sexting, pics,videos,i love yous, blah blah
Jan 31 midnight i intercept text from ow. wh tells me he just took her out dancing in vegas and kissed her goodnight and has just been talking to her. i knew she was from texas and he went to texas so i called his buddy he went to texas with and asked if wh was ever unaccounted for and he said definately not. my wh said he never me up with her (lies)
jan04 enter mc cant eat cant sleep etc...
Jan 14 Ow of buddies husband calls buddy and tells him he has been suspicous of his wife and hired a pi who told him about buddy. he was super nice and told buddy he wouldnt tell his wife, but that he needed to find god and if he ever called ow again he would tell buddies wife. WH's buddy never calls ow again.
jan 22 after weeks of going over all texts records on phone bill and airtime details i see that he called me from austin when he was supposed to be in san antonio. busted. He confessed he slept with her one night in texas (because thats all he could get away from his buddy without being noticed) in texas and vegas he didnt want to tell me because i had told him if he had slept with her i would leave him.
Jan 22-Apr 16 major mc, crying, anger, struggling, but finally starting to see the light and feel like we are going to be stronger and realize how much my wh really does love me
Apr 16 get a friend request from a girl in texas. Basically she implicates wh's buddy. i lose it and drive over to buddys house and tell his wife (my friend) as im pulling in there driveway my wh had already called buddy to warn him and he blurts out to his wife " i had an affair on you' She is devestated, kicks him out and we sit down and go over details.
Apri 16 i sit my wh down and he tells all. Long story short he only left out the details taht would implicate his buddy because he didnt want him to lose his family. He tells me how texas was the whole weekend not just one night but if he had told me that outright i would have realized his buddy had to of known.He says he talked to OW three times from a payphone for a max of 2 mins eachtime only because i was texting her and she was threatening to tell buddies wife so he had to calm her down. He did not want anything to do with her he was just doing damage control. He also told me he didnt use condoms like he told me, he lied because he was disgusted with himself and he thought that would be a deal breaker.
Apr 17 My friend calls the ow's husband and talks for three hours. He apoligizes for his wifes role and said he didnt tell her because he was hoping to save two families in canada. He tells her that his wife asked him to pay for a plane ticket to canada so she can spend the weekend with her boyfriend to see where it goes. He says she is spoilt and an alcoholic.
My wh and his buddy litterly have been living in fear of these woman for 3 months. i guess she tried contacting us a few times and they intercepted. My wh says he is just glad its all out, because it was killing him. I think thats about it. I probably missed ALOT but thats most of it. I am making no excuses for my wh, it is killing me that he was still lying to me since jan 01 when we were supposed to be completely honest. I know he was covering for his friend but also for himself because he did not want me to know he spent a WHOLE weekend with her. and I know he made contact with her when he was telling me he wasnt. So we went to the counsellor and she told him he had just undone all the progress we had made and we were now at square one again. he told him he does not deserve a second chance and should i choose to give him one he will have to work harder than ever before to build trust. So i told him i wasnt sure i could forgive ALL this and i need time to think about it. i have let him stay in the house for now. honestly I havent really cried yet. i feel numb. i dont know if i just hit my limit of info but where before i was obsessed and questioning him over and over now i just dont care. I did make him sit down for 3 hours and tell me every detail (which he did) so maybe thats why. i just have all the answers now to the stuff i wasnt believing before. I love this man. he is completely remorseful. He has apoligized to my family in person and has taken it upon himself to set up IC. I told him he is to have NC with his buddy and he called OW and finally told her off (infront of me) he said he has been wanting to do that for months but she was threatening to ruin his friends marriage. So thats it i guess. hope this helps.


Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
Married 10yrs
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas

Reconciling


Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Nov 01 My wh buys another cell phone and begins texting and calling ow.

He says he talked to OW three times from a payphone for a max of 2 mins eachtime only because i was texting her and she was threatening to tell buddies wife so he had to calm her down.

I still don't think you are getting the whole truth. If he has a secret cell phone why would he be using a payphone? With most everyone using cell phones now pay phones have been removed in our region as they weren't being utilized.


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
Butterfly7904
New Member
Member # 38988
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Because I found his secret phone and smashed it to pieces... And I now have our account online and can see everything. He just needed tocsin tact her quickly to calm her down. Don't worry I am not assuming I have the whole truth but I have been checking as many facts as possible


Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
Married 10yrs
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas

Reconciling


Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

So the text that *outed* the affair on NYE was intercepted on the *secret* phone?

Which you smashed (hopefully after culling it for information).....

....and then any further contact he had with OW (supposedly 3x between Jan 1 and Apr 16) occurred at a payphone and only AFTER you had *caused* a problem.

If someone's upset and threatening to *out* the guilty parties, don't you suppose that it would take more than 2 minutes to calm them down?

Have him take you to the location of the payphone that he used.....And don't give him any warning. Just tell him to get his coat and "let's go right now".


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8034 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

And before you start thinking that we're just a bunch of paranoid crazies.....

As a collective group, we have probably seen 99% of the crap that a cheating person will try to pull to either hide the affair or minimize the damage after the affair is discovered.

You would be amused, horrified, and shocked by some of the crap the WS can come up with.

And it is best to uncover everything about the affair right now, in one fell swoop, than it is to get blindsided every couple of months by random bits of information that completely change the context of the *story*

Because as you've found, since your WH has spent the past 4 months lying to you, every new bit of *information* causes an exponential amount of damage.

So just be patient with us, k?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8034 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Butterfly7904
New Member
Member # 38988
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

I completely understand. The " secret phone" had been erased of all incriminating evidence and I didn't know about recovering deleted texts then :( so I smashed it. His buddy did was in contact with my wh's ow through all this trying to talk her down and he confirmed that he only called my husband 3 times to tell him to give her a "quick" call and calm her down. My husband said that is why he was trying so hard to get me to have NC with her. Because he hated having to call her. He said that the last two messages I sent her he gave up an didn't even call her. He just decided if she outed his friend then he would have to deal with it because my wh couldn't do it anymore. He hated having to call her. He said when he did call her all he said was "we have destroyed my wife, she is just hurting and lashing out, please just ignore her" . My wh's ow has moved on and has not tried to contact him through all of this. Just his buddy to tell me to stop sending her messages or she would tell me about him. This is all so confusing Its hard to even write


Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
Married 10yrs
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas

Reconciling


Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Your WH is seriously making my head hurt.
(and it's going to end up making you want to beat me with a stick. )

Anyway.

My husband said that is why he was trying so hard to get me to have NC with her.

(1) Because he hated having to call her;
(2) he didnt want her blowing his friends cover

Oh, FFS. Will the *real* reason please stand up?
Because those 2 that he's given you are kinda mutually exclusive and a whole lotta lame.

First off, he didn't *have to* call her. He *chose* to call her.
Secondly, he wasn't *protecting* his friend. There was a high-level of covering his OWN ass involved....and I know this because he had not told you the *whole* story.

And I wasn't kidding when I suggested that you put his ass into the car, without warning, and make him take you to the pay phone that he used.

Your WH needs to stop with all of his *tap-dancing*. He needs to stop with all of the lollipop, superficial, save-his-ass answers and just be completely truthful.

And your MC was right about one thing, at least. You are starting back at square one. ANYTHING that he did for you while he was still lying doesn't count. That apology he gave to your family? It's bullshit. All he did was lie to them also--which is yet another *wrong* that he's going to have to make *right*. And all of that remorse that he was showing you before? Self-serving bullshit also.

He's going the wrong way in his hole. Instead of using his shovel to fill it in, he just keeps digging himself in deeper.


And also, thanks for that detailed timeline that you took the time to do. It was very helpful.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8034 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Butterfly7904
New Member
Member # 38988
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

I completely agree with EVERYTHING you have said. Now I just need to decide if all this info is to much for me. The major things that I think may be too much are
1. No condoms = risking himself therefore me with std's and her with possible pregnancy
2. He admitted that the first night in Vegas she said to him "you don't have to do this, your married" and he replied "that's okay"
3. The fact that he has been still lying to me the last 3 months no matter how "good" his intentions were. He called her behind my back to "calm" her down which to do so meant he was stabbing me in the heart again and telling her nice things.
4 He admitted he told her he loved her but says it felt wrong when he said it and he didn't mean it.
I was having a hard enough time getting over all the other details, phone calls, texts, pics, gifts, sex etc. I don't think I have enough left in me to do this again. But I do love him, I always will.


Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
Married 10yrs
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas

Reconciling


Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Wow. I am so sorry that you found yourself here. This is one of those head spinning stories that I say to myself "there are some sick mother fuckers out there". The thing about the children is insane, and the fact that this was ok for all of the adults involved leaves me speechless.

I wish you and your husband all the luck, and I feel for your children, your friend, and the other BH. The WS' involved need some serious counseling.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Topic Posts: 42