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New Beginnings
User Topic: I'm making a change - good news/bad news
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, April 15th (Monday)

I'm packing up to make a move back home. I've spent the past almost 5 months with family in a couple of different places. Loved doing it and had a great time. It's been great fun doing things with them and keeping up with their day-to-day lives. But now it's time to go home.

I own a home there and have family and friends to do things with there. Going there will mean I will be alone in my house after spending so much time with people. I find myself really looking forward to it! There will be lots to be taken care of that will take lots of time, but I think I will really enjoy being alone now. What do you think this means? Does it mean I'm healing? This would feel like good news.

I was afraid of being alone in the house 20 months ago and went places just to avoid that. Not really afraid, but more like hated having just my company. I was used to having two of us there. It had gotten really bad in our M and when it ended I actually felt relief from that, but I hadn't been that alone ever before that.

For the Bad News: That is also where xpos & slut and most of his family live and I'm likely to run into them from time to time. I don't know how I'll react to seeing them. I think being away has been very good for my healing because there has been virtually no chance of running into any of them and everyone I've been around has been very supportive. (Meeting an actual SI member IRL was a huge plus while here, in a place where I had no one else to understand things!) Will seeing them and maybe having to interact be a setback? Will it subconsciously be with me whenever I do things? I hope not.

There are still a few things at the house that xpos asked for and I need to get to him. I think I will take them to his L's office. That way I won't see him or put anyone else in the middle. And, as a plus, his L charges for everything, so hopefully it will cost him more than the gas and time to pick them up. No way will I contact him or give them directly to him because he takes every opportunity still to verbally abuse me (but he's SOOOOO HAPPY now!). No way will I expose myself to that when I can avoid it.

It's been wonderful deciding for myself what, where, when and with whom I do whatever. No one telling me what I should be doing instead or that I shouldn't eat ice cream or other things because I need to lose weight. No one putting me down for what I say, or making fun of what I read or of my TV viewing choices. Anything HE doesn't choose is inferior and gets derided.

This has been great! Now I'm looking forward to going home. I hope that doesn't get spoiled.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

It won't be spoiled. It will be whatever you want it to be. It's yours.

If you see them, just keep your chin up, and keep going. You don't need to interact with them in the least. Live your life, and let them see just how wonderful you are!! Enjoy your "all by yourself" home.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5374 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

Thanks, dm. I think you're right. Don't engage at all.

I'm on my way and it's already better. No hassles or stress driving, even when other drivers made it a bit harrowing.
Had a wooden box come flying at me after it was run over and broken apart by the rig in front of me, saw a near accident between two big trucks right in front of me and decided to get off at the next exit when the driver of the semi right ahead of me crossed onto the rumble strips six times in two miles in heavy traffic. Thought it was a good idea before I needed to take evasive action and got involved in a chain reaction. And not one single swear word or act of road rage in my vehicle as there used to be. Stopped for the night without feeling worn out and stressed.

And the best part: I just made plans to detour for another visit and take an extra day. Something else never allowed before! Being so rigid and single minded, never allowing for change or flexibility is boring. I'm so enjoying being in charge of what I do!! Tbh's big adventure!

[This message edited by thebighurt at 8:26 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)]


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

Welcome to your new life... fluid and fun, filled with people who care about you.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4860 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

I'm excited for you! Your response to stressful things while driving indicates this was definitely the right move for you.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3269 | Registered: Dec 2011
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Thanks, Kajem, for the encouragement. That's what I think too! And thanks for the hugs!

Phmh, after all the decades of hearing a running commentary of the shortcomings of every other driver on the road and the aching fear that at any moment it would turn into another act of road rage, yesterday was a piece if cake! It is so calming to just have me, my thoughts, and the radio or MY choice of CD music in the car! My IC said it is a good sign that I like my own company. I think it means I don't miss that kind of crazy!!

Time to shower, get breakfast, and start off on today's leg of this adventure! I really love the people and the place I'm going next. This should be well worth the detour! Thanks, ladies.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

I love the "On the Road" updates. Keep them coming TBH You sound like you are healing and growing. I bet if you do run into xpos in your new/old town you will realize how LITTLE he affects you anymore.

Be careful on the road today! Sounds like there were some "not so great" truck drivers yesterday.

And, just a thought,maybe there is a SI member in your new/old town who you could meet IRL?? You could always plan a get together and find out

[This message edited by better4me at 8:13 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)]


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3019 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Be careful and have fun! And you have that ice cream and enjoy every bite-you're perfect the way you are


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1742 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
Survivor3512
Member
Member # 37946
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

(((thebighurt))) it sounds like you're going to be fine! It'll be easier to avoid them than you think. Like another poster said, just keep your chin up! Be careful driving and enjoy this new beginning!


Me (BS)- 36
Divorced
----------------------------------------------------------
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming- Dorie

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Southeastern U.S.
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Thank you all for the encouragement! Especially thanks, Trumanshow. You're pretty perfect yourself!!

Today's drive was a piece of cake. Beautiful drive. And I DID have that ice cream!! Went with one of my favorite people to a great place here with home made ice cream that we love and we had fudge sundaes with the works. YUMM!! ( did someone mention dinner? Um, no thank. I'm full!! )


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
turned123
Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Go get 'em BH go get 'em!!!


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Ugh-- mine had major road rage as well, and he always made little comments if we got something fatty to eat or drink, like how we were being bad.

As for listening to music? HIS-- All. The. Time.

Yay for independence! Enjoy!


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3543 | Registered: Oct 2011
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Glad you arrived safely!

(And XWH had major road rage as well. Can remember some very scary incidents where I seriously thought we were going to crash.)


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3269 | Registered: Dec 2011
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Go get 'em BH go get 'em!!!

Hey, encouragement from the other team! Thanks, turned!

Thanks, trying and phmh. I'm sorry you had that too. Isn't it exhausting dealing with all that anger and negativity? No wonder I feel calmer now!

I had one experience on the highway where I was sure we would crash if not die. I was screaming at him to please stop - what would it matter if one more car got in front of him while he screamed back at me to Shut up! Shut up! Stop telling him what to do or he would do something. I should have ended it then!


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Isn't it exhausting dealing with all that anger and negativity?

So much, and I didn't even realize it at the time.

One of my friends and I took to calling him the "Dark Cloud of Doom and Gloom" because he really was. He could deaden happiness like no one else.

Had a very similar experience on the highway. He got into a cut-off match with another car at ridiculously high speeds. After a few back-and-forths, the other car got in front of him and threw a take-out soda cup at our car; it exploded all over the windshield. I surely thought XWH would lose control of the car and we were going to crash.

Sorry for the thread jack, but it's amazing how I keep having these revelations of red flags that really should have been enough for me to take action at the time. Could have saved me a decade!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3269 | Registered: Dec 2011
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

He could deaden happiness like no one else.

^^^^This, exactly!!^^^^

No thread jack. I asked the question. The fact that I no longer deal with this is a large part of where I am. That weight has been lifted. No more eggshells. I can be ME!! I'm not trying to please anyone but ME.

Sorry you had such a similar incident. I was terrified. It was in heavy traffic at a high rate of speed, bumper-to-bumper traffic. I don't know how we survived. He was NOT going to let that driver in. Red flag indeed! And I could have saved myself a decade too, almost exactly!


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Home again, Home again, Jiggety Jig!!

Easy trip today. Sunny most of the way and little traffic. Worst thing was saying goodbye after a great visit. Very windy for much of the way. All was well until about a mile from home and was stopped at a roadblock and told that two approaches to my house were blocked by downed power lines on the roads and utility crews trying to repair them. I had to detour but made it. Luckily, my power wasn't affected. I left doors open while I unloaded the car and carried things in because it was warmer outside!

After I got the car unloaded and things turned on, I left for dinner with DS's family. Nice end to the day and the trip. Haven't seen them in almost 5 months. Back in my own bed tonight. Hope I keep my power. They say the wind will stick around a while and get stronger. Utility crews are still out in the neighborhood. Fingers crossed.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Topic Posts: 17