User Topic: I realized I've come to acceptance.
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

I'm not sure how I feel about this. It's new to me.

I realized today that I understand that no matter what I ask, what H answers, he will still have had an affair.

He will still had sex with someone while we were married.


Nothing will ever change that fact and nothing will ever make me feel indifferent to it and nothing will ever make it go away.

I accept this.

It still hurts. If I let myself get on that ride, I hurts like crazy and I can end up crying. They're sad tears, not gut wrenching sobs like in the beginning. Just tears of sadness at what he did to us.

We have made such a much better life for ourselves. The work on both of our parts has been tremendous. It's not easy to try again.

We're going to make it.

I accept that this is part of our past. Like a terrible car accident that has left your crippled. I walk with just a slight emotional limp from this now instead of being on life support.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I accept my life.

Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

"We have made such a much better life for ourselves."
Acceptance does not take all the pain away but it does allow you to move forward. I remember my husband saying he wished he could change the past, but he couldn't change the past and he wasn't that person anymore. I realized I can't change the past either...and the 'past' is not my reality now.
So glad you could get there.

Me-BS 51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)


Thanks for sharing. I hope to get there someday!

Someone on SI had a tagline like, "I had to end my quest to change the past." I know intellectually that it's not going to work, but emotionally I'm am so still on that quest.

My subconscious still believes that if we do everything right, we can erase the A.
Getting to the acceptance you have must have been a gigantic amount of work. Congrats !

Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

I am happy that you have reached acceptance. I need to do that myself. I am finding myself in a going around in circles of sadness.
My life would be happier if I would just accept what happened.
Thanks for posting this

BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 147 | Registered: Jul 2011
New Member
Member # 38794
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

Thank you for sharing. I am almost there...I can see it. I am 16 months out. It doesn't matter how I twist it or turn it or inspect it. I have tried zillions of different angles and questions and no matter what detail I focus on or what info I hear from a new direction I do not feel the aha moment to make it ok or to make it make sense. I finally realize this.

Oh and the pain...yes it hurts like nothing I've ever known and probably always will when I think of it. I realize this too. And my WH will not ever feel it like I do.

Now for acceptance of all of this.

BW 37-me
WH 40
Dday Dec 2011

Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
looking forward
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

This is what my H is struggling with, after 4 years of the truth revealed.
However, he had 40 years of lies to deal with.
So very was so wrong of me to do what I did for so long, so long ago...
I am trying my utmost to help my husband heal.
Acceptance after forgiveness.
He has forgiven me; he will never, never, ever forgive the OM. Therefore, how can H ever accept the past? That is a major impediment to his moving forward.

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2855 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

Good post Flatlined. Glad you have gotten to this place.

Best wishes,

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2463 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

BIG step! So hard. OUCH. I know it hurts. It gets better. You're moving in the right direction.


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 1011 | Registered: Apr 2011
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

I love the way the universe gives me what I need when I need it. The topic at my aa meeting today was acceptance versus "justifiable resentments". And then I see this post. One of my favorite quotes about acceptance is that it's what happens when I finally quit trying to change my past.

Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2787 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

Acceptance is a good thing. I allows you to move forward.

D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)

Thank you for giving me hope. I know that I can't change the past, just move forward toward acceptance. Thank you for letting me see what I hope is in my future.

BS - mid 50's
WH - mid 50's
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
TT until 9/02/13
NC broken 4/15/14
2year+ "passionate" EA/PA

Married 30+ years and here I am. Heartbroken.
4/14 Trying to make it thru each day
9/14 - getting better. we

Posts: 217 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”
― Oprah Winfrey

I read this quote awhile ago and thought "I want to get to that point", it seemed impossible.

I also realized that while I said I forgave H, if I didn't get to acceptance it wasn't really forgiveness.

Will I have rough days ahead? I'm sure until the day I die I will.

This is but one step on the journey.

Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Great quote Flatined.

I posted something last night about seeing Oprah last year at this time - she mentioned that quote. It was quite a thrill to be at that show and hear from some life coaches on the topic of forgiveness.

As I posted last night, I remember being disappointed that the show's theme was Forgiveness bc I thought I had a good grip on that. I even told my friend with confidence that I could probably forgive anyone for anything short of harming my kids.

Guess the gods in the room were listening. I would be put to the test 8 months later with D-Day.

Working on it!

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2463 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 38787
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Great post.

I'm so glad for you!!!

I wish some day I will be there.

It looks like my WH is moving in the right direction.

Bw (me) 47
WH (him) 59
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22

Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: nj
Member # 28889
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, April 19th (Friday)


Thank you for this post, it is such a great post for those that are further out from D-Day. This kinda sums up everything.

Ws 59
Bs me--57
Married 39 years
D Day 11/30/08
Just trying to feel normal.It is getting there, but very slow.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Tennessee
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, April 19th (Friday)

Good for you! So happy to hear you've come to accept it, and it sounds like you have done so for the right reasons! It definitely takes a LOT of work, and both have to be fully committed and true to one another for it to work, but bravo for you (and your WS)..!

ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
Getting to Happy
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, April 19th (Friday)

I call it, My "New Normal".

The idea shakes me to my core and yes I now have 'an emotional limp", but I just have to get used to it...

My Husband had a girlfriend.

WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Topic Posts: 17