SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Is this worth pursuing?
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

As a condition of our divorce, ex was supposed to pay me half the costs of any home repair required to complete the sale of our home. To this end, he still owes me $800. I had my atty file a contempt complaint, and I guess he was just notified today.
He immediately texts and emails me and says
"If you are serious about taking me to court then you need to provide me with copies of both refunds you received, along with the make and model of the appliances."

What he means by this is I received a refund from my home owner's insurance because I pre-paid a year in advance on the old home in October, and moved out in Dec, so I got 10 months pro-rated refund. I also got a refund from the escrow account on the old house.

Now, he had been out of the house over a year, and in the temp orders I filed in Oct 2011, it was stated that since he refused to contribute to the mortgage or anything else for that matter, all household bills were now my responsibility. Including home owners and escrow fees.

And the appliances - well, he is referring to a 15 year old washer and dryer and a 9 year old fridge. Note here, that he made no request to have any of those items when he made his list of what he wanted from the marital estate. But now he thinks he is entitled to compensation for half.

So, my SI friends, what should I do? Is $800 worth this? In principle, 1000% yes. But money wise? Going to court will cost me probably $1000 in attorney fees. And in the end I might lose.

God damn him to hell. As soon as I got his texts I went right into sheer panic, full body shaking, barely able to type this. He fucking hurt me and my body continues to suffer the trauma. I try and try to beat it down but one word from him and I am a fucking mess. I've moved houses and towns and I still can't get away from the effects of him.

Please tell me what to do. I am in MA if that makes any difference.

OMG now is is texting me tellig me I am in contempt because I told the girls I would take them out to dinner once during the vacation week when he has them. He is fucking crazy.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2585 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

And the texts continue. According to him I need more therapy and a meds change.

fuck that fucking fuckface mother fucker.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2585 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

He immediately texts and emails me and says
"If you are serious about taking me to court then you need to provide me with copies of both refunds you received, along with the make and model of the appliances."

I would still pursue it and request he pay your attorney's fees.

He replied with this because he knew it would upset you, make you doubt yourself and what you were doing and hopefully, cause you to back down. He knows how to push your buttons and will continue to push you and try to intimidate you. Don't let him.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 8:30 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)]


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13720 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

ok, you need to put this into perspective. He got a letter from your L and/or the court. And he sends you a text and expects you to comply? Hell to the no!!! Do not respond to ANYTHING unless it comes from his L or the court.

He does not have a leg to stand on. You have a court order specifying that you are paying all costs (mortgage, insurance, etc) for the house and that all items in the house are your possession. As far as the appliances, they are 15 and 9 years old. They might fetch $50 each. But that does not matter because they are yours anyway.

Do not let his little temper tantrum upset you. Whenever you get a text from him, your internal response should be "whatever you idiot". Your external response should be crickets.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17606 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

I won't respond to him.

I hate feeling like this.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2585 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Keep the texts and see if you can't get some sort of harassment charge against him, especially for the personal comments.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11115 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Is that harassment? I don't even know any more. It feels threatening to me, but my view is skewed.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2585 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Going to court to get my money (back child support, selling marital property, money he spent on OW) versus attorney's fees is a tough one.

I always wonder, "Where the hell is the punishment for breaking the rules??"

Hugs to you. Just follow your lawyer's advice and ignore him. I wish we could say something to knock some common sense in them, but I'm really starting to believe the lectures have to come from someone else, anyone else, than us..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2099 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Your lawyer is already involved. Let him/her know about the text messages.

Don't respond to him at all.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21041 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
FirstLoveGone
Member
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Don't respond. He received notice of the complaint so now the ball in his court (excuse the pun). There is absolutely no need to respond his texts or do anything he is demanding you do. Let the lawyers/court handle it.

He is trying to intimidate and bully you. Don't let him.

I know exactly the feeling you describe when receiving texts/emails from XH. Stay strong girl!


Posts: 1269 | Registered: Oct 2009
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

I know how you feel about having your emotions hijacked. This PTSD shit sucks.

Crickets of course.

Now about you and this adrenalin rush you just got through no action on your own. First address the immediate symptoms. Breathe. Do something to reset your body. Hot shower maybe. Cold wash your face. Brisk walk around the block. Jumping jacks. Add another type of physical stimulation on top of the symptoms of adrenalin. It helps tone the whole thing down once your heart rate returns to normal.

Then, soothing self care. Hand cream. Floral tea. More breathing. And recognize you will feel drained and jangly for a few hours.

Then, steps to reduce the future impact of his reaching out to yank your chain. Turn off sound notifications. Turn off other notifications like in the menu bar. Turn your phone face down and leave it that way. If you see that he has sent messages let them stack up and read them once, at a time of your choosing. Practice saying "Whatever, gnat." And breathe.

PTSD is no joke and his text is a bomb going off. gice yourself time to recover from the shock.

(((Hugs)))


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1121 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
numbandnauseous
Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)

nutmeg, just wanted to send hugs, say that you have gotten great advice, and you are doing wonderfully by posting here rather than texting him. Way to go! Hope the PTSD symptoms calm down real soon for you.

((((((nutmeg))))))


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

NMK, just remind yourself that he is no longer the *boss* of you. If it's not in the divorce decree or ordered by a court.....you don't have to do shit.

Being sent *dickheadtexts* sucks. It does.

Work through your trauma response. Say "He is a J!A!MF!" out loud a couple of times. Then literally shake your feet, arms, shoulder, and head. Then breathe.....and tell yourself that you'll just hand this over to your L and let him/her deal with it.

Call your L tomorrow or later this afternoon to give him/her a heads-up about what you are dealing with. Let your L call his L to tell his L to get his client under control.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. Your X is a nasty, nasty individual.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7919 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
phillygirl
Member
Member # 9078
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

If it's not in the divorce decree or ordered by a court.....you don't have to do shit.

This ^^^^

If his text tantrum is not backed by either of things, or a factual thing about the kids, give him crickets.

And save the texts in case you need to get your lawyer and the courts involved in helping him understand how to STFU.

((hugs))

[This message edited by phillygirl at 12:46 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]


Me - BW
Him - WH
Divorced - 7/2013

Posts: 825 | Registered: Dec 2005
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Thanks all. Yes, I save every single text and email.

I am going to check in with my attorney. The ex said his is on vacation.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2585 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

He doesn't have a leg to stand on. Did the appliances sell with the house? If so, he is getting "back" any "stake" in said items with his portion of equity in the house. With regards to the rebate for homeowner's insurance, you paid it 100% and you are entitled to that refund.

That being said, give your attorney copies of the text messages, let him handle it and also request attorney fees.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29585 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Cat, I took the appliances with me.

So, get this. I was doing my banking and I noticed the CS was not deposited last Friday. I texted him about it, and he said "no CS during school vacation weeks."

Are you fucking kidding me??? It's iron clad spelled out in the agreement!!!!
I called my attorney's office and by some miracle she was there and answered the phone. I told her about his texts earlier and also about the withheld CS. She said now there's no messing around, that he is in big trouble.
She will file an amended document documenting this witholding, and the times he has been late before.

He is crazy. CRAZY.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2585 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

What a jagoff.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7541 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

He just texted that "in addition to the things I asked for earlier, I will also need a full list of the medications you are one. You know, the one's you should not drink alchohol with."

That sounds like it came from OW.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2585 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

I wonder if it's been her all along?


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21041 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

So she's wearing his balls now...too bad when the court kicks him in the jingle berries, he's going to feel the pain instead of her.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11115 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

I assume other than what he took with him, you were awarded the contents of the home. If so, he has no recourse. None.

Does he think his children don't need to eat or have a roof over their heads when they are on vacation? Idiot.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29585 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Yes, Cat. He was given an opportunity to walk through the house, list what he wanted, and those lists became part of the SA.

He is such a conniving, manipulative BULLY. And I HATE that my girls are around his brand of crazy.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2585 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Fuck.That.Guy.

What the fuck??? Like you are going to send over all your medication dosages/prescriptions...

What the hell is wrong with this guy? Fuck him.

I'm sure your lawyer will enjoy asking the court that he pay her fees seeing as he is such a fucking idiot.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4608 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

(((NMK)))


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3312 | Registered: Dec 2011
permanentpain
Member
Member # 38312
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Fucking bucket full of crazy... Hugs to you sweetie, he's just angry and lashing out because he needs to step up to the plate. It's difficult for him to act like a grown up Keep doing what you're doing and don't let him intimidate you. He had a lifetime of that crap, NO MORE.


Me: 32 y/o, student and mom of two of the best kids in the world
Him: 33 y/o scumbag
Divorcing
Feels good to start laughing and feeling better again...

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Island
debbysbaby
Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

OMG! What a complete Moron! Hugs, nutmegkitty. You've already gotten spectacular advice, just keep on saving those insane texts and truck on.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 858 | Registered: Aug 2011
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

((((nutmegkitty)))))

First, it is good to see you on the board! It is probably my absence and not yours, but I was delighted to see you on the board....

But OMG I want to come and kick your stbx in the "no-no's" as one of my middle schoolers coined it today. What a fucking fucking fuck indeed.

I felt the anxiety start just reading your description of his texts. Can you forward them to someone who can filter for you? Or does he have the kids right now? If he doesn't have the kids then NOTHING he has to say is important right now. Block him even if just temporarily and get some peace?

On the PTSD and how to get relief, I like the JAMF scream fest as recommended. I tried a hot shower once during a PTSD attack and it was a terrible mistake for me. The shower was too much stimulation and I completely fell apart and horrified at the idea of needing assistance while wet and naked, a puddle of anxiety in the bathroom floor... Did not induce relaxation and release of tension at that point!!

He's throwing a NPD tantrum and bully is the exact right term.

FTG for sure.

(((more hugs)))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5769 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

He has no recourse, then, on the appliances. None. Unless there is fraud involved, the marital settlement stands. Boo-fucking-hoo he got teary-eyed at the washer living somewhere else.

Unless he gets a subpoena, you give him no information. None. He can ask all he wants, but unless you receive a subpoena, you do not have to voluntarily answer a thing.

It does get better, but I fully relate to the panic at hearing from the NPD and the bullying. I hate it.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29585 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

I fully relate to the panic at hearing from the NPD and the bullying. I hate it.

Me too.

I'm sorry.

And what a dick-wad! Fuck him! Don't respond.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1566 | Registered: Aug 2010
FlySomeday
Member
Member # 35150
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

*sniffs* yep, smells like NPD alright. You can NOT feed the monster with ANY reaction. That is the only way to deal with the NPD. THE ONLY WAY! move through your attorney and he gets crickets. Additionally, might want to talk to your attorney about having his wages garnished so you don't have to deal with him withholding cs due to his history. My stbx douche NEVER paid on time and even skipped a month. Yeah, pretty much F.T. G. You got this. He will not know how he makes you tremble right now ..you will not share that. You must stand up and continue to fight his monster until he knows your strength and perseverance!

((((NMK))))))


Digging Deep in the Mud

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Virginia
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

Yea. I'm amending my previous statement...which was too nice.

He's not just *nasty*...the guy is a JAMF.

He's not paying CS because the kids are on school break? WTF? That is completely and utterly irrational. Kids break, home all day = *higher* expenses, right? Cause you're feeding those little *bottomless* pits all day long instead of just outside of school hours.

He wants a list of your meds? Is he smoking crack?

Hand this fucking moron off to your L. He'll hang himself with that short amount of rope. It would almost be worth it to pay L fees to go to court and let him plead his case to a judge. The thought of that makes me laugh.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7919 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
la433
Member
Member # 38835
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

I know you have kids, so this might be difficult to do [I have kids too, and it would be hard for me too~especially if there were an emergency], but have you considered changing your number so he can't text or call you? Have ALL contact via attourneys. Set up children pick up and drop off via attourneys. He seems to be still in control of you, and you are letting him.

If there is an emergency, they can call your lawyer, who can call you and then you can deal with said emergency.

Just a suggestion. Considering such COA (course of action) myself.


"Arise and be all that you dreamed." ~Flyleaf

Posts: 136 | Registered: Mar 2013
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

Thank you all so much for having my back on this. You all *get* it, and that helps so much.

It is clear to me he is unravelling further. I will feel so much better when my babies are back with me (they are with him for this vacation week).


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2585 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

I am always antsy when my children are with XWH more than 1 day.

What has helped me is that I realize all the yelling and bitching and threatening he does is to keep the focus off what he has done.

I also realized that my children will be with my XH on 52 overnights out of the next 12 months (every other weekend 2 nights) and 2 weeks in the summer and they will be with his mom and sisters who are somewhat normal. So, I have them
the majority of their lives. I am working diligently to show them who I am -- who I used to be before I married their Dad.

It's getting easier, but sometimes he gets me rattled with his texts, too.

It's then that I look around and notice he's not in my living room, he's someone elses problem now, and I try to chill for my kids. (sometimes it takes a couple hours).

Go for it on the court thing. Standing up for yourself makes you feel even better and stronger.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jan 2012
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

Homewrecked, that is EXACTLY what I do too. I can now freely be me, nutmegkitty, around my girls. I am smart and have been told I'm pretty funny, but I used to dumb that down around the ex because I guess he felt threatened if is showed eiither quality. Well, no more. My girls see me killing spiders and shoveling out of a blizzard. That is what I model for them. I can only hope it's enough to compensate for the rainbow farting unicorn land that is their dads house.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2585 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 36