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Reconciliation
User Topic: What More Can I Do???
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

So my WW asked me this last night. I also saw anothe post on this. I want to give my WW an answer becuase lately I have been feeling like she isn't doing enough but couldn't put down what exactly I need more from her. I wanted to be specific so she knows exactly what I need. Here is my letter to her. I hope this helps anyone else in my boat:

So last night you asked me what more you can do and what I need from you. The question took me off guard because as I have been feeling like I need more from you but I couldn’t really put it down exactly what I need. We have also been questioning if we should be bringing it up and how often we should talk about it. Here is a definition I saw of Rug sweeping - Rug sweeping happens when you feel like you're both on the same page in terms of wanting to Reconcile. You feel like you have the whole story, a reasonable understanding of "why," and two people who just want to move forward and "get over it." This concerned me because I know that’s kind of where we are at and what we are feeling. We want to get past this and move forward. I just don’t want to get over it. I want to heal through it together.
So here are some jumbled thoughts on what I think I really need from you:

1. Being Open with me – Please continue to do this. I love it when you open up to me, let your walls down, tell me anything and everything you are feeling. Even if you fear it will hurt my feelings please talk to me about it because that is the type of relationship I want. A REAL one where we both feel safe telling each other the good, bad and the ugly. Honestly, when the bad comes out I need you to be there for me to pick me up. I also want to be there for you to pick you up. If we just let it pass because we have been doing “so well” we rob each other of the ability to comfort each other. I know lately we have been questioning how often and healthy it is to bring it up or talk about it. I really think the answer to that is we should be VERY honest about our emotions. Whether it is related or not. I often want to know what you are going through and how you are feeling just as much as you do for me. We are in this to heal together and to create the marriage we have always dreamed of having. Yes be both have some scars but as we always talk about… now is our time to build this to be amazing. It will take time but the journey will be amazing and worth it.

2. Working on You – I would like to see you a bit more proactive on you working on yourself. I would like to see you in individual Counseling more often (Like 2 weeks in a row then the next week MC and the week after we take a week off). I would like to read the books we have together. Finish 5 Love Languages and actually apply what we learn from that. I would also like you to start on the new book we got.

3. Affirmation - (the little things) Please keep doing them. The note you left me, making dinner for me, getting me little things because you were thinking about me. When we first got back together you used to text me and send me message about life and how grateful you are to have me and how much you appreciate everyday life. I am not saying you don’t still do those things. I appreciate every time you do. But those things show me you are thinking about me and I crossed your mind enough for you to go out of your way for me.
4. You can never tell me sorry enough –If it pops in your head that you are sorry please feel free to tell me. Don’t worry about bringing it up. Because as much as you are sorry is as much as I need to hear it.
5. Intimacy - You have been working on this A LOT lately. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that. Please keep it up. I have always wanted you to initiate and now you do so Thank You. I would like to continue to explore our sexuality together to see where we can take that intimacy. Thank you for the efforts you have been putting in on that department. But I am not talking only about sexual intimacy. Emotional intimacy, financial intimacy & spiritual intimacy (I feel we are getting better but it would be nice to get even closer in all these areas)

I also just wanted to say I appreciate you. I appreciate you for committing to Reconciliation. I appreciate you for being open and honest with me when I needed you to answer probably the most difficult questions you have had to answer honestly. I appreciate you for committing to helping me heal through this. . I appreciate you for being remorseful and regretful. I appreciate you for pushing me to work on myself. I appreciate you for working on yourself and the issues you have had as a girl growing up. I appreciate you for pushing yourself to be a better mom and wife. I appreciate you for going through this journey to build a better life and marriage with me. I know in the past you have felt that you weren’t loved (from your parents, from your siblings and from me) but I want you to know I truly love you. I love where we are at and what we are working toward. If we could rewrite our story I am sure we would both change many things in there. Who knows if any of those things were to change we would be where we are at today. Since we lost each other we know what we have and know what we lost. Now we both know what we want out of life and out of our life together.

So those are a few specific and general things I need, want more of and am grateful for. I hope you have an amazing day knowing you are loved and appreciated!!! 


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
ms521
Member
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Applause.

ETA: I like all the points, but think #2 and #4 are fantastic. I know WH doesn't want to keep bringing it up, but seeing him work on himself and having him apologize whenever he's thinking about it means to me that he's NOT rugsweeping this one!! Thank you for this list!

[This message edited by ms521 at 1:11 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]


Madhatters.
Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)


Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

((ms521)) You're welcome!!! It was nice writing it down. Gave me time to think about it. It ws hard for me to answer her right then and there. Difinitely something I needed to put some thought into. People dont hve ESP I needed to tell her what more I need from her.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
Kc121010
New Member
Member # 35855
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

I loved this. Especially #1 just because that's where I am right now. I feel like I'm getting to the point that I avoid talking about my feelings because I don't want to keep making him feel guilty, but it robs me of having that outlet. I think the best gift for someone to give us is the freedom to feel like we can say how sad we are at any time of the day without a worry about making them feel guilty. And an "I'm sorry" often certainly is a wonderful verbal hug! Be thankful you are getting the question "what more can I do?" You're lucky for that. Good luck to you!


Me (47)
H (36)
Married 3 yrs, Together 8 yrs
D-Day Sunday 6/10/2012
Porn D-Day 3/01/2014
(H) had EA, PA for 6 weeks
5 kids, his & mine

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: California
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

What a great letter.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Be thankful you are getting the question "what more can I do?" You're lucky for that
I am very grateful for this. I am truly lucky to have a WW whos "gets it" and who truly is giving it 100%. I am grateful everyday for the changes both of us have made in our lives for each other.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
hurtmywife27
Member
Member # 38799
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Gave it ... Fantastic letter, it is up lifting in so many ways.


WH (me) 59
BS (her) 45
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22................................. I Totally screwed up.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Toms River NJ
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Gave it, this letter made me cry! Its great! This gives me a kind of insight into my BSOs needs. I know he has a hard time articulating them to me, and I'm sometimes at a loss for what to do for him. Afraid that my good intentions may trigger him and do more harm than good. You made a clear tangible outline of what you need, and even including your need to support her. This is huge, and yet beautiful and humble.

Thank you deeply for this post. It really is a beautiful letter.


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos



Posts: 513 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
cheerless
Member
Member # 38135
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Loved this. It's so balanced and honest.

Great job!


♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫

BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad


Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2013
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Great letter. Just remember it's a process. It can take 2 to 5 years to get past something like this. As she opens her heart to you just remember to not close yours to her.

Posts: 128 | Registered: May 2012
Undone1
Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I love your letter! I feel that I am in a similar position so I hope you don't mind if I plagiarize some of your points. You were able to so eloquently explain abstract thoughts that are really hard to put your finger on when the question is asked. Thanks for sharing!


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
guarded
Member
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 15th (Saturday)

I say ditto to undone's post. While reading your letter, all I could think about was how well you expressed thoughts that I would like to share with my WH. Every time I want to say these things, it sounds to him like he does nothing right. You validated her steps while articulating clearly what you need.

Most importantly, this truly felt like a WE letter and not a YOU or ME piece.


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 451 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 12