Just Found Out
User Topic: Reason to be suspicious?
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

If you went to your boyfriends flat that he had recently moved into with a mate (male), and you saw a cardboard box with no lid at the side of his bed with a few of his things in and then an open pack of sanitary towels with maybe one or two missing thrown on top of the open box, what would you do? How would you bring it up without it being in an accusatory manner?

It's starting to make me feel sick that something is going on again.

Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

I'm not really sure how to respond to this, seeing as I'm not sure what the purpose of sanitary towels would be, in terms of a sexual manner? If I ran into a cardboard box of sanitary towels with my WW, I wouldn't think she is f*cking other dudes again. I would think she is trying to clean her hands and/or body with...I guess, sanitary towels? On the other hand, if it was a cardboard box full of condoms or date-rape drugs, then I would be a little bit more suspicious.

Presuming you are decently close to your boyfriend, you could, well, ask him why he has so many sanitation products next to his bed. Odds are, if that's all it is, he may just very well be a, well, sanitary person. I can't imagine if he was f*cking around on you it would involve sanitary wipes (unless it's a fetish?)..

Just my $0.02...

ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Sorry, I meant sanitary towels as in what women use when they get their period.

Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

I'd certainly be suspicious if a guy I knew lived on his own had sanitary napkins in his bedroom. I mean, they are pretty absorbent so he might have an explanation but it is definitely up there on my cheating radar for a few reasons:

1. Most of the guys I know are embarrassed to buy them in the store. So, most of them would think of something else that would work and there are quite a lot of things that would do as good a job or better than a sanitary napkin. The guys I know don't even like buying them for their wives and daughters.

2. They are in his bedroom. That's odd to me. If say a sister or female friend stayed over and forgot them, they would be in the bathroom somewhere. Most people don't change their pads in the bedroom.

3. They were in a box of his things.

The only thing that takes anything away from the oddness of the situation is that he didn't cover them up or try to hide them from you. Either he didn't realize they were there or didn't think it was odd that they were there.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 4145 | Registered: Sep 2005
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)

Did you show up unexpectedly?
Huh. I don't know why I even asked that because it's completely irrelevant.

The fact that your BF has sanitary pads in his *guys only* domain is either whack or an indication of an intimate knowledge of someone.

I am in my mid-forties and I have NEVER encountered a male that doesn't *squirm* over *girl stuff*. Never.

The last word of your post was *Again*. So why are you so reluctant to be *accusatory*?

Pick that box up, shake it in his face, and say "WTF???"

Or just break up with the cheating douche.....

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

Thanks all for your replies.

I did have a quick scan with my eyes to see if there was anything else that looked suspicious but couldn't see anything. I find it weird that a whole packet would be there and not just one or two if he had indeed had someone over that he shouldn't have.

One possible explanation I have is that when he lived at home and was going through one of his drawers there were tampons in there from a previous relationship. I thought that might be the case with these but it seems unlikely that he would bring them with him. plus they were right on top and looked like they had been used and just thrown there out of the way.

Also he went out with mates on Sat night. Said they have "bumped into two girls from work whilst out and were sat with them for a bit". Not sure if I believe that but he said they were pathetic and crying and arguing over tampons so he had a bad night. Now I am wondering if he maybe brought one of them back. I don't want to just to conclusions here though.

Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 32309
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

If your subconscious has alerted you to a situation that raises questions about what you found, then you need to answer your gut feelings and ask your boyfriend why he has women's sanitary products beside his bed in his room.

Whether he considers the question you ask as an accusation or not is not the issue, and if he does, then he must have something to hide.

Simply ask him why they were there. The WAY he responds will tell you what you need to know, and the rest is then up to you.

Good luck

Me: BW 53
Him: FWH 47
4 wonderful grown children
2 beautiful grandchildren
Married 20 years
Together 23 years
Dday March 10 2010. 4 yr A.
Me: RGN(ret), N.Dip.,BA(Psych),MA (Psych),BA Music.
OW: 55 year old taxi driver

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: UK
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

Heck yeah! I would ask any question that popped into my mind! eff being polite. He put you there in that suspicious place first. That's just me. I'm kinda ballsey these days...No more demure nice girl.

Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

The last word of your post was *Again*. So why are you so reluctant to be *accusatory*?

Pick that box up, shake it in his face, and say "WTF???"

Do this ^^^^^^.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

I agree with what NatureGirl said, since ritual torture is illegal.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 387 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

So this is the same guy that you posted about that was into abusive semi-violent sex, face-fu****g, golden showers, whore-clothes, vomiting and but-plugs?

The same guy that was into dating sites?

The same guy that wanted to pay for your boob job?

Honey – Why are you concerned over a box of sanitary napkins?
You should be concerned over YOU.
Get out.

Think of it this way:
After this long a relationship you are still not confident enough to simply point at the box and ask him “honey – what are those for?”
Is this REALLY what you want?

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
Member # 29502
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, April 18th (Thursday)


I just read back through your initial posts from November. All four pages.

If this is indeed the same BF that you asked for advice about then, just go back and read that advice again.

And then listen to it. You can find someone so much better than this guy.

BW 53
FWH 54
Married 27 years
DD#1 Oct 2009 PA
DD# 2 Sept 2010 EA continued with same OW
R begins again
Update 7/2012 R going well but
I'll never forget the day the music died

Posts: 107 | Registered: Sep 2010
Member # 26493
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Think of it this way:
After this long a relationship you are still not confident enough to simply point at the box and ask him “honey – what are those for?”
Is this REALLY what you want?

This!!! If I went to my WH's apartment while we were dating and I saw a box of feminine products beside his bed and I knew for a FACT they weren't mine, I'd ask immediately why he has them.

The last word of your post was *Again*. So why are you so reluctant to be *accusatory*?

This as well. I'm wondering why you are hesitant to confront him with this. Are you afraid that you're overreacting? Or are you afraid of what he'll say? If this is the same guy from your posts back in November I would reread the advice you were given and run for the hills. disrespect.

FWS: Him (38)/BS: Me (35)
DD, 9 & DS, 3
D-Day: 3.22.09 EA admitted
OW:a very sad, pathetic excuse for a woman.
Status: Forgiven
"Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy."

Posts: 118 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, April 19th (Friday)

Ask him why they were there. And turn your bullshit meter on full blast before you do, bc he will probably lie.

I can think of no reasonable explanation for this.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

Thank you all.

It is the same guy. I asked him, basically he said that they were his friends who stayed over after a night out rather than paying to get a taxi. He couldn't remember what night it was. So I did some digging, turns out it was the night he didn't message me at all and told me that the reason was he was tired from working an 18 hour shift which is a complete lie. Also found out last night from his flat mate that he had a friend (a girl) over on Thursday night. I also found a woman's scarf in his room last night which was hers. Flat mate told me she stayed over too and that both times he slept on the sofa. But on Thursday I asked to see him that night and he said he would be too tired after work.

He left before me this morning so I took the scarf with me when I left. I am going to see him tonight to 'talk' which will probably be the last time. I don't know how to deal with this.

My mother is also ill with cancer which she is having chemotherapy and radiotherapy for. I haven't eaten in 2 days and just don't know where to turn or what to do.

[This message edited by HURTAGAIN1981 at 10:32 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]

Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

Most people dont carry around a box of pads when they go out drinking. I dont buy that taxi story.

Im sorry for everything you are going through. Thinking of you and your mother. (((((hurt))))

married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, April 22nd (Monday)


WTH carries around a box of pads when they go out for the evening?

His flat mate is lying. He's covering for his buddy.

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7688 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

Get away from this loser. He is lying to you and cheating on you.

My mother is also ill with cancer which she is having chemotherapy and radiotherapy for.

My mother was fighting cancer and eventually died from it. My POS was having an A during the entire time. The fact that I was an emotion mess from dealing with that did not phase him one bit. Get out of your toxic relationship while you can, and focus on your mother and yourself right now. Those should be your priorities.

BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet

Posts: 1191 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

Seriously Honey you need to get out of this Toxic relationship NOW. He has zero respect for you, that is obvious in the few posts you have made. No Man is worth being treated like an object, and then made to feel bad because they have to care for an ill parent.

Break Ties and run. You should be focusing on yourself, and your mom. She needs you now more than she ever has or will.

He does not love you, plain and simple. He's a weirdo sexually, and clearly narccissistic. GET OUT NOW. I'm not judging but he is showing you who he is, see it.

((((and strength ))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8713 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

Thank you all. I know I need to get rid of him. Just terrified of having to deal with break up on top of everything else. I know it all looks bad and it probably is what he is doing but I feel I need some kind of proof in black and white so I am going to see if I can get an opportunity to look at his phone. To add, I found his own phone number written on a piece of paper in his coat pocket, though that was odd too, maybe so he can give it with ease when he goes out?

Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 22nd (Monday)


You say clearly narcissistic, how do you mean?

Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Topic Posts: 21