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Wayward Side
User Topic: Too much going on...
Sam793
Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

With the birth of my DS last week emotions came into play. My BW was riding a high and said she has dealt with issues surrounding my A and didn't want to think about it anymore. I didn't think this was right but decided to go along with it. This week things have changed. There is nothing wrong with her changing her mind. I totally agree with whatever she decides to do when dealing with my A. it's come down to her wanting to say that I loved the AP. She can't accept that I didn't. Sure there were feelings there. Lurve, lust, or whatever you may call it but love was not. Her evidence is a few texts with the word love, or statements saying that I couldn't live without the AP. My side is that I enjoyed the game of walking away from the AP and when she got upset I could use words to think I was wonderful and see if she would come running back. i did this because I felt it gave me a sense of power I felt I was lacking. If I really loved the AP as much as my BW says she thinks I did, then I would have left my BW. Through IC I am dealing with my issues that caused me to try and have this power trip. I try and put other people first. I think of other people before me. Again just like in all of my other posts I will not admit to things that my BW wants to hear. I'm not going anywhere and will keep answering the questions my BW has and keep being the person my BW has always wanted me to be.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

My side is that I enjoyed the game of walking away from the AP and when she got upset I could use words to think I was wonderful and see if she would come running back. i did this because I felt it gave me a sense of power I felt I was lacking.
I understand this, I really do. When I told my BH that I really didn't 'like' OM, or think he was a nice person, he asked me, 'then why did you keep going back?' It was part of the game/power play that you described. It's sick, wayward thinking.

Keep answering truthfully, Sam. That's all you can do. It sounds like you are making a lot of progress in IC. Good for you.



Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36632 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sam793
Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

I just need to figure out why it got physical. I was so against this before I had the A and am so against it now. When it became physical it wasn't something I had planned and did regret it. Like everything in life, it does get easier to do the more you do it and even more once you do it the first time. Once I sat back and looked at what I was doing it became multiple times. Now I'm disgusted with myself for stooping to such a level and going against everything I stood for.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
MyBiggestFailure
New Member
Member # 39026
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

We seem to be in similar situations.

In my case, I needed to feel wanted and in control because I didn't feel wanted, or that I had any control anywhere else in my life.

As for why it became physical, it was simply a downward spiral where the non physical side stopped making me feel better, it was like an addiction, where I gradually needed more & more to make myself feel better.

I hope you manage to come to your own conclusions soon, and can move on to rebuilding yourself and potentially your relationship with BS


Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2013
Sam793
Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

I agree with you on it not being enough and have explained that to my BW. To her my explanation doesn't seem to be enough and she doesn't comprehend it. Some days I don't think she ever will. Other days I see some hope.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 5