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Reconciliation
User Topic: When will she get it????
Nogoingback
Member
Member # 38712
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

This is so unfair. Had another fight tonight, triggered by a potential run-in with OW at WS's work today (they didn't see each other) followed by a tvshow which ended up having a strong infidelity theme. I got sad and asked her some questions about their time together and finally asking again if that was why she wasn't attracted to me anymore. She denies this but we have only had sex about 3times since DD, the last time being in september. She ended up getting annoyed at me for "always" talking about it and said if we could have a break from it maybe she'd feel more like it. I talk about it briefly a couple of times a week and the rest of the time I am loving and trying as hard to be like my old self as I can (because I miss that girl!).
I told her she was not remorseful and she accused me of getting jargon from websites and expecting everyone to behave in a certain way.
I asked her when she thought she had truly started trying to work on us and she said the beginning of last year. This is after I've recently discovered that they were sending longing emails to each other while we were "trying" all up until the end of last year. True NC only since December, as far as I can tell.
And now I am pissed bc she is talking to our friend on the phone who is devastated at her divorce (husband is being a dick) but I'm crying in the other room and guess who WS has chosen as a priority to console?
She has tried in some ways. She has been great with our daughter and cooking and tidying and she has organised a few fun concerts in a couple of months. When she points this out I feel unreasonable, even though Ian appreciative and say thank you about those things.
I don't know if I can keep going.


BS 33
WS 31
together 10 years
DD 4/8/2011
EA/PA with co-worker while I was pregnant
Trying to reconcile

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." Nora Ephron


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

She ended up getting annoyed at me for "always" talking about it and said if we could have a break from it maybe she'd feel more like it.

Getting Annoyed? Not Remorseful behavior. Not Caring, Not considerate.

I told her she was not remorseful and she accused me of getting jargon from websites and expecting everyone to behave in a certain way.

No, but you might expect someone to act with compassion and respect. She is doing neither. I would answer this asshattery with, "No I donít expect everyone to behave any way. What I expect is my wife to meet my needs and treat me with respect and dignity. You currently are doing neither. Why should I stay in a marriage with a cold hearted snake."

She has tried in some ways. She has been great with our daughter and cooking and tidying and she has organized a few fun concerts in a couple of months. When she points this out I feel unreasonable, even though Ian appreciative and say thank you about those things.

Doing the minimum and small changes is called pacification. Do just enough to pacify you. All of this behavior along with the lack of sex. I would be out the door. Set expectations for how you are to be treated, if she canít meet them you need to get help. Honey she is just managing this until the flames die down. Youíre not in a marriage or in R. She doesnít get it. Is she in Counseling? are you?

I don't know if I can keep going.

No. I know you cant. You will eventually crack. What some Waywards donít understand is they have a window of time to engage or the ability to take the lock of your heart will be gone. Developing that trust and compassion for someone who treats you this way is impossible. Please get an IC and meet together with them so you can freely express yourself with a third party. And she might see she needs to engage this in a different way. I would demand to be treated better. You deserve a marriage that is full of love not this crap.
LHAP?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Nov 2010
mepe27
Member
Member # 18158
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

I agree with lordhasaplan, that may be the case, but I'm going throw another perspective out there, it may not apply but, it might?

My H was not remorseful in the way I wanted him to be for a long time. It was very frustrating and it made me feel like he didn't understand the severity of his actions.

Early on I was lashing out in pain at my H, I was hurt and afraid and I wanted him to fix me and he wasn't so I was even more mad.

One day, I remember triggering badly, I left the room and laid on the bed crying, he came in, very confused, asking what was wrong and of course I freaked out, "what's wrong, you had an affair, you've destroyed me, how could you do that" he said sorry and said he'd leave but thats not what I wanted, that made me feel like he was abandoning me in my moment of need. So I screamed at him how he was doing everything wrong and he told me he didn't know what to do he felt horrible, he felt like a disgusting human being and he didn't know if he should hold me, or give me space or be quiet or talk, even when I asked for something in particular, like asking a question he was afraid to answer b/c he could see my pain and didn't want to add anymore, he just didn't know what to do ever.

From that day on I decided to figure out what I needed from my H, exactly and ask for it exactly. When I triggered, I wasn't mad, I was sad, it came out as anger but I was sad and I wanted comfort not a fight. So I started being honest with myself and him, I'd say "I heard a song and it reminded me of your A and I'm feeling sad, can you hold me and tell me you love me?" and he'd do it immediately, at first i thought if I have to tell him what to do it won't mean as much, but it did! it sure felt better than him walking out or becoming defensive.

So maybe this isn't your wife, maybe she doesn't care and doesn't want to help you heal, that does happen. some WS want to just sweep as much as they can under the rug so they can get back to having A's but some just don't know what we need and they get frustrated and lash out too.

R is freakin hard. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I do believe it can be done and I do believe it is worth it. I hope that she is willing to do the work with you.


Me BW-39
H WH-41
Married for 10 years
Two boys 6yrs, 3yrs
D-Day 12/1/07
Got whole painful truth 2/2/08
5/15/2008 EA with co-worker, I left
6/1/08 - We are committing to R
"One falsehood destroys a thousand truths"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Georgia
Nogoingback
Member
Member # 38712
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Thank you both for your perspectives. Yes LHAP, we both have IC and MC, but I really don't see that we've made much progress. I am feeling like I do need to either accept this is as good as she can do and get past it or realise that it is not going to cut it with me and move on. However, mepe27, I hadn't considered the middle ground and maybe I should try this "instructional relationship manual" approach. She may actually need this and I had been thinking if I had to spell everything out it wouldn't count, but maybe.... it would?
*shrugs*

[This message edited by Nogoingback at 9:43 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]


BS 33
WS 31
together 10 years
DD 4/8/2011
EA/PA with co-worker while I was pregnant
Trying to reconcile

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." Nora Ephron


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

To add to the "instructional manual approach", certainly my fWH and I were so out of touch with eachother''s needs and had been at odds for so long he didn''t know how to help or console me in the wake if DDay.

Like mepe27, I had to get really honest with myself about what I was feeling and take a chance and ask for what I needed. That''s why M-building and MC is an important component to R. We need to learn the communication skills that will enable the healing that needs to take place for the BS, while the WS figures out their "why''s".

There are many good books out there, as well, taking the quick 5 Love Languages online quiz was a sanity saver for me.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 5