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Just Found Out
User Topic: I'm not sure which is worse.
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

WH had 8 A's in last 3 years, one a girlfriend for over a year. I have proof. She sent me pictures of them. He claimed he didn't care or love any of them.

I'm not sure if it's worse that he's a sexual predator or that he actually loved his 23 year old girlfriend.

I guess it all hurts. Perhaps, it's both.

Not sure I can do this anymore.

I don't think he's telling me the truth. You don't eff someone for a whole year without having feelings for them. I think he's a liar.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Liberty

My heart goes out to you. It does. I am so sorry that you have continued to be hurt by your h poor choices and selfish behavior. NOT FAIR !!!

Has he come clean about the 8 affairs? Or have you found proof?

What do YOU want going forward? Take back the power.

Is he lying? Of course he is to a certain degree. You can't have lived multiple lives without lying.

Are you in IC or MC?

Trust your instinct. If you don't think he is telling you the truth, he probably isn't.

This isn't your fault. He needs to own his distructive behavior and GET HELP.

Be strong. You deserve better.

Have Faith that it can and will get better.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Hi, 1Faith. I know, it's so sad. Yes, I've been in IC since I found out. He went once because I drove him there 5 months ago when I found out about first OW. He actually started going again yesterday and will again today.

I had proof of most of them. Or else, I don't think he would have ever told me. He would've taken it all to his grave. He downplays everything. Till does.

I'm tired of threatening him for him to tell the truth. I think I'm just done. I don't care if I love him anymore.

He's so broken. I don't want a broken person. I can't make him change. I can't make him get help. I can't make him admit he has SA. I can't contol him. I can only control myself. My poor kids...This is no way for us to live.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:41 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

(((Liberty)))

I am so sorry that you are still going through this.

You are right in your statement that you can't change him. Only control we have is ourselves and what we will tolerate.

I completely understand your feelings of wanting to give up. If your husband continues to show zero remorse and accountability I am not sure how you can move forward or heal.

I am sorry for your kids too. I know the guilt that we as mother's carry around with us as it relates to our children.

I remember asking my therapist at first if staying for the kids was the right reason to be here. She said for now there is no better reason but if in a year that is still the only reason then you don't have an authentic marriage and you will do more harm to your children in the long run. As parents we have to be examples of love, commitment, contribution, faith and perseverance. If you both work at rebuilding your marriage your children will learn relationships go through hard times and can make it through. If nothing changes you teach them to settle, to put up with being treated badly (they will think its normal) while living in an unhealthy environment. They can feel the tension, the sadness, the uncertainty. Reality is a better place to exist for everyone. Your kids would rather have a strong, confident mother that demonstrates and lives honesty and truth vs. one that is insecure (rightfully so), sad and scared.

Know that you are never alone and you are stronger than you think.

Praying for you for courage and strength.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

He's so broken. I don't want a broken person. I can't make him change.

That kinda says it all.

Unless he is jumping through flaming hoops to show you his undying love and his wanting to protect you...well... it might be time to get your ducks in a row and start the '180'.

I know that you are in pain so I don't say that lightly. Mr. Happy betrayed and cheated on me for 6.5 years. It took us about 2 years of trying (after DD) to figure out if I could even tolerate him anymore.

But he has been doing everything humanly possible thing to let me know that he made a grave mistake and will not give up on us.

This change came over him AFTER I asked for an accounting of our financials and had him sign the papers to get the ball rolling for a divorce, then he knew I meant business!

Just sayin'

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 3:13 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1141 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
h0pe4ul
Member
Member # 38446
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Hi Liberty!

It's me, h0pe4ul, again. :)

Yes, I've been in IC since I found out. He went once because I drove him there 5 months ago when I found out about first OW. He actually started going again yesterday and will again today.

If I'm not mistaken, I think I read in a separate thread of yours that your WH is a recovering alcoholic?

When I read that line in your post, I have to ask if your WH is getting AA treatment because of you or because of himself?

Is he R because of you or because he truly is sorry and wants to be with you and save his family?

I ask these questions because I know that when dealing with loved ones or friends of alcoholics/addicts, we can take on co-dependent behaviors and try to fix our loved ones. I am the daughter of former alcoholics. Thus, I know this from experience all to well.

When dealing with someone with an addiction, it seems like we have a need to take care of everything bc since they are so out of control, we "have" to be the ones to keep everything in control, even their out of control lives, although we just can't!

Your WH seems to have SO many issues to work through on his own and it seems like you really don't want to stick it out bc of having to deal with your own pain.

I can't tell you what to do or not in regards to staying or not..this is a personal decision only you can make. However, whatever you decide, you have the absolute right to choose what YOU want to do and not have to justify it.

Your WH could have been with so many women bc of his addictions (doesn't make the pain or betrayal less)....and may truly want to have a better life with you but just may not know how.

However, until your WH truly desires to be alcohol free and free of sleeping around so much, not much is going to change...you can try to save the marriage but you may find yourself in that codependent state of trying to keep everything together bc of his addictions when in reality, you are going to drive yourself crazy and he just feel like you are the one who will hold everything together, even him, bc he may feel enabled to keep doing what he is doing by you trying to keep everything under control.

Until he really gets help for his own self, he will be no good to you or your children.

I will never tell anyone to give up on anyone that they love (family or not). However, sometimes, you do need some space to work on you while they work their own issues themselves....and then once he is truly stable enough to commit to you and your children, then, you guys can work on R.

I am truly sorry for all that you are going through and pray that you will get the peace you need to make the decisions that only you can truly make!

(((BIG HUG)))


Posts: 185 | Registered: Feb 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

I understand completely. I do.

I feel the same way at times. Why bother? Why set myself up to be hurt again, etc.

In the end you have to look at what you really want? In ten years if he is doing everything he can to be honest and trustworthy do you want to be with him?

Trust has to be earned. You are hurt and rightfully so.

Check out the 5 stages of grief. You are in mourning. You lost the relationship you thought you had and now you are dealing with all the emotions that go along with it.

I too, wanted to feel healed by now. I wanted to speed up the recovery or just know if it was over.

It is not a quick fix but as many here have explained it take on average 2.5 years to fully reconcile, accept and move forward.

You will have good days and you will have bad days. You have been through hell and back. But know this YOU WILL BE OKAY. Maybe not today or tomorrow but eventually YOU WILL BE OKAY.

Reconciliation happens when both spouse's are ready and willing to accept the pain and accept that the old marriage is gone and you're rebuilding a new one together. It's a grieving process that you need to acknowledge and come to terms with.

Nothing is the same again...whether you stay with your spouse or not...you're changed forever from being so violated. But, as time goes by, your deep wounds will start to heal and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope this helps you understand that your feelings are very normal. Don't give up on yourself!

Sending healing hugs.

Faith


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

He's only helping himself because I'm giving him a second chance. Says if I weren't with him, he'd go back to his corrupt ways.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Oh Liberty

Again, I am so sorry.

He has to want to be a better man. For himself first so he can be a better man for you and your family.

I fear that if he is only doing it for you then he isn't really doing it. He is going through the motions and will ultimately resent IC, MC and/or R.

8 women in 3 years? This is way more than a second chance.

I agree with hope4ul

I will never tell anyone to give up on anyone that they love (family or not). However, sometimes, you do need some space to work on you while they work their own issues themselves....and then once he is truly stable enough to commit to you and your children, then, you guys can work on R.

One day at a time. Be true to you.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
h0pe4ul
Member
Member # 38446
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

So, basically he is not doing this for himself.

I don't mean to play devil's advocate but what if he gets upset with you and decides he doesn't care if you are giving him another chance or not? Will he go back to his "corrupt" ways?

Basically, his recovery efforts are still based on a false foundation and will be an excuse to fall off the wagon if things don't work out with you.

This could be why you feel the way you do bc in reality, it's all still dependent on you and he is really not taking ownership of his actions (addictions or affairs).

He has to decide to recover and reconcile bc he knows he needs help and needs to change for himself above all, whether or not you stay, bc if not, any little thing can be his excuse to not uphold his commitments.


Posts: 185 | Registered: Feb 2013
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

I'm afraid you're both right. And, thank you, again. I can't thank you enough. I know you both have more experience and wisdom than I, so I truly thank you.

Well, I found out about everything in last 5 months. It's not like I took him back after each one...I had absolutely no idea!!! About any of this.... :(


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
h0pe4ul
Member
Member # 38446
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

P.S.--When I say to not give up on your loved ones, I mean to not give up hope that they will change one day or could get the help needed bc they really want to change.

However, this doesn't mean you have to stay in a harmful situation (STD wise) bc he is not willing or even ready to get the help needed or to change. You can love and support him from a distance (emotionally and/or physically) while choosing to no longer allow his actions to affect you or your kids in a negative manner.

Only you can decide if you should stay or not (consider your resources and support group where you are) but even if you can't move, you can choose to not have sex with him until he is tested or truly ready to reconcile, you can stay but work to gain your own income if need be while he works on him, you can support his recovery efforts by taking him to meetings if he requests that but it is not your responsibility to make sure he goes. When you want something bad enough, you will do what you need to but there are many ways you don't have to give up on family without allowing them to tear your life to pieces! If you feel you need to get completely away to work on you, that's good too bc it just may show you where his heart is truly at.

Only you know what's good for you and your children but I don't think your WH is truly ready for R with you bc he can't even do what he needs to for himself right now.


Posts: 185 | Registered: Feb 2013
h0pe4ul
Member
Member # 38446
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

My heart goes out to you, liberty! :(

You are not alone and can PM me anytime you may need to.

We are in this plight together.


Posts: 185 | Registered: Feb 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Liberty

Please know that I am not judging. None of this is easy. NONE - I just don't want to see you get hurt again so please forgive me if I was to forward in my posts.

5 months is relatively new in finding out. You are still in shock. As you should be.

You are grieving. Check out the 5 stages of grief. It really does apply and it will help you realize that you aren't going crazy.

Unfortunatley there is no way to speed up your healing. MC and IC help but you have to go through everything you are feeling. The good, the bad and the ugly. You are entitled to everything you feel. Don't feel guilty for feeling mad and angry. You are justified.

One day, one week, one month at a time. Keep perspective on how far you've come. Be good and honest with yourself.

I will keep you in my prayers. You are not alone.

God bless

Faith


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Oh no. No offense taken. I thought you thought I took him back every time. But, now I see it is A LOT for one person to do. It's ok. :)


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

From the Healing Library

Q: How Long Will It Take Me To Heal From This?

A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm. Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing.

D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself. The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.

Just breath. One day at a time. We are here.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

I want to rage out of my skin and scream! I need to go read a book or something. Thanks everyone.
hugs to both of you...


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Rage away...hope I helped and not hurt.

Books and glasses of wine helped me...and good people like you that I knew understood and cared.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
h0pe4ul
Member
Member # 38446
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

((Big Hug)) to you too, Liberty!

Posts: 185 | Registered: Feb 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

How are you Liberty? Sending hugs !!


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

Hi h0pe4ul. Okay. Saturday was our 6 year anniversary. He took me to dinner. It started out fine, then I had a drink and more Q's came. Turned into a horrible night. Yesterday, he took us on family outing. I cried in the car when I heard love songs, thinking our love was never real. We had 3 hour arguement last night. And, it' Monday, back to work and SI. :) Hoping to get some strenght today on 4 hours of sleep. Other than that, I'm great! haha.

How are you doing??


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Oh Liberty...I am sorry.

I hope today is a better day. I do. Please be kind with yourself. Forgive yourself when your emotions take over. It is okay. It is normal. You are hurt and reacting.

I too, have many times thought things were going fine only to be hit in the face with a 2x4 of a trigger, an insecurity, or looking for reasons to question myself, my h and my marriage. IT IS NORMAL.

Look at the timeline for healing. It just takes time. 3 steps forward, 2 back - you are still making progress.

It has been almost 20 months for me and my h and I got into a fight over the weekend. I wasn't even upset but he is also trying to "heal" and help us "heal" so he also reads into things that aren't there. We are all human and this is just very hard.

Give yourself time, forgiveness and space.

One day at a time.

Sending hugs...


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

Timeline of Recovery
Good timeline I found on the healing library.

I hope this helps everyone realize to be kind to themselves and give themselves time. Feel what you need to feel.

The journey is long but you can come out stronger on the other side.

Q: How Long Will It Take Me To Heal From This?

A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm. Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing.

D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself.

PLEASE NOTE: The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.

One day at a time...keep moving....


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 23