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User Topic: All advice welcome.
Jack317
New Member
Member # 39010
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

OK. I won't rehash the details of my A as I have already done so in an earlier post. Here's what's going on. I'll be attending three (3) months of training starting in May. I'll be able to come home on the weekends. The training will be held in the same town where the OW lives. It's training that I have to attend. My S told me today that she doesn't want me to leave the campus. I understand her concerns. What can I do to help her understand that I'm there solely for the purpose of the training? That I'm going to be studying so much that I won't have time for much else? Any help and advice would be welcome!

Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Jack317
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Do you have a cell phone with camera? You might want to work out a deal that will help her deal with this, such as making pre-arranged times where you will text her and send a picture of you and your surroundings.

You need to get from her what will make her more comfortable and not trigger while you are away and near the OW. Regular check-ins, regular sending of pictures of you/surroundings, constant contact, and maybe even enabling of GPS on your phone so she can check your position at any time?

These are the kinds of things that will put her more at ease. Empower her to be able to deal with her triggers and give her 24/7 access for when they may strike.


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 712 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

OK. I won't rehash the details of my A as I have already done so in an earlier post.

For future reference, add it to your profile. Your first post won't always be available for people to refer back to.

What can I do to help her understand that I'm there solely for the purpose of the training? That I'm going to be studying so much that I won't have time for much else?

Be accountable for your whereabouts at all times. Don't tell her you won't be going out and then turn around and go out. Do you what you say you are going to do.

Also, what about the OW? Has she tried to contact you? Does she know about the training and where?


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13722 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Can you take her with you? She will trigger the whole time and probably be set back a ton in her R. She will not be able to stop her mind from the what-ifs. I know. I had a similar thing happen to me, when my H had to work with the AP for a week.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Yah, I guess I kinda jumped the gun on a few points assuming too much!

Is it 100% accurate to say:
1) You are NC with the OW.
2) You have not contacted the OW in the recent past?
3) Does the OW know about this training, where & when?
4) You have no plans to contact the OW before, during, or after this training?

If all of the above are indeed the case, and you can't take your WS with you, then you'll need to find a way to keep her at ease for the entire duration of your training. Cell phone/GPS/keylogger and check-in times, or whatever additional things she may have to add to make her 100% sure you're not slipping away to cheat once more.


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 712 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
Jack317
New Member
Member # 39010
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

I wish I could take her with me! But unfortunately due to the nature of the training, it's impossible. The OW lives in the town and will not be able to see me at all.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Jack317
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

The OW lives in the town and will not be able to see me at all.

Why? What would prevent her from showing up?


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13722 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Jack317
New Member
Member # 39010
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Because she won't be able to make it past security.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Jack317
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

And what about answers to MediumRare's questions? It's great to ask for advice, but people need more info to be able to provide it.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 2:43 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13722 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Jack317
New Member
Member # 39010
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Sorry guys! I have had zero contact and written a no contact letter, which my BS has read. I'll be attending a police academy so the OW will not be able to visit.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Jack317
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Thank you Jack317.

I think providing your BS with things like your complete schedule for each day, sending her texts/with pics to show where you are at throughout the day and calling her on breaks/during meals will help. IMHO, letting her know you are thinking about her throughout the day makes a difference.

In the evening, skype with her, so she can see you in your room. If need be, have it set up for her to be able to check at anytime during the night so she can verify your location. Like I said though, don't tell her you won't do something and then do it or vice versa. Otherwise, she can't build any trust at all.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 2:47 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13722 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Like lies said- you could leave Skype open (even all night) so she can see you in your room whenever she needs.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2007 | Registered: Sep 2011
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, April 19th (Friday)

You could put one of those trackers on your phone so your wife could physically "see" where you are when she wanted to. I think we have Life 360 and it was helpful at first (my WH has one of those jobs where he's all over the place, no regular hours, etc) but then it developed some bugs. It would say he was two counties away and near the beach when he was really in his office that was bunker-like and didn't get cell reception - I checked and triple checked when this first happened. Your phone provider may have a better program.

Posts: 616 | Registered: Sep 2012
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, April 19th (Friday)

you could leave Skype open (even all night) so she can see you in your room whenever she needs.

Omgosh! This is such an awesome idea!


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1076 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, April 19th (Friday)

All the suggestion here are great. Look despite the fact that you tell her OW can't get to you because of security what is probably going through her head is: I bet you can get to her if you really wanted to. Or: you cheated on me once you can do it again, doesn't even have to be with OW, not like I can trust you when your not right next to me.

Sorry if that sounds mean but I know its things I thought after my DDay and was told by my SO after his. She needs security, as much as you can muster for her. So offer her all the suggestions here and see if she needs more. Then do all of it and do no slack off. She needs to feel it and see it to believe it, and even then it will take awhile.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2700 | Registered: Oct 2012
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, April 19th (Friday)

My S told me today that she doesn't want me to leave the campus

Why would you need to leave the campus if ???

I'm going to be studying so much that I won't have time for much else?

If this is the case, then why not agree to not leave the campus and give her what she is asking? Just curious.


Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3434 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Jack317
New Member
Member # 39010
Content  Posted: 10:12 AM, April 19th (Friday)

I'm not going to leave campus. I need to focuss on becoming an officer

Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Jack317
Topic Posts: 17