SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Why????
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

At first I was blamed by her. Stupidly I accepted the blame. I took me some time to pull my head out of me &%$ but about 5 months ago I stopped accepting any blame. Sure problems in our marriage I will take those. More like 50/50. But her A... Nothing to do with me. That was ALL her.

I have been waiting patiently for her to dig deep and start figuring out her WHY's. It was like a light went off in her head last night. No more blaming me :) She was just confused... Why did I try and give up my whole family and Why did I do this to myself? I have my opinions on why she did it. I expressed them she agreed as part of it. But seems like she is really ready to dig deep. I am excited. I have been waiting for this but you can lead a horse to the water but can't make them drink.

How difficult is it for a WS to figure out their WHY's?? I feel like I know my W so well I know exactly why. But this is something she has to learn on her own.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
padstack
Member
Member # 37202
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

She has made the first important step to finding the why. The next step is to find a good IC that will help her dig deeper. It will not be easy, but it is great that she is willing to heal.


Me: BH 37
Her: fWW 34 (Lulu38)
DD 8
DS 3
D-Day #1 9/17/12 Admitted to EA
D-Day #2 10/18/12 Finally confessed to PA with coworker

Status: working towards R...


Posts: 114 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: So Cal
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

The next step is to find a good IC that will help her dig deeper.
She has been in IC for the past couple months but has been kind of 1/2 assing it. She doesn't go as often as I would like her to and mostly they have ben sorting out childhood issues (which I think are a big contribution to her self esteem issues) But we talked last night and she is going to go every week no excuses. Looking at her actions... You know what I mean???


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

But seems like she is really ready to dig deep.

That's good.

How difficult is it for a WS to figure out their WHY's??

It depends. For me, it was middle-of-the-road I guess. I came up with loads of surface-whys right off the bat, but it took a little longer to really dig deep. Then again, I was very motivated. I lost everything on D-day and finally "hit bottom." I got to the point where I literally couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror. I had become someone even I was completely disgusted with.

My IC helped. My mom helped. A lot of alone time spent on serious self-reflection helped.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2250 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

Hi IGaveIt...I just read your profile. Wow! You have been through so much in such a short time period. That's hard on the head! Odd though how a short time period can feel like forever. My 4 months feels double that.

Well, it is a relief that your W is seriously addressing the Why's. I often look at the Wayward Forum bc on this subject as I find them open/honest and really trying to figure it out. Would she go there? I have gained insight on my H from them and direct him there as well.

I remember saying to my H. I want you to find out WHY you did this.

I am taking responsibility for what I contributed to the breakdown of our marriage but WHY didn't he just give me the chance - just let me know how incredibly unhappy he was? WHY take THAT route? A route that is SO completely not who he is? It boggles the mind. Sure you can relate!

I think with men/women there is some different stuff going on there that makes the A so...appealing. Women in A's seem to get very emotionally attached very quickly. They think they are in love but turns out....they're not. The real thing (that being you) is standing right in front of them. And from what I have read, many men (not all) but many are in the A bc they are NOT emotionally invested. Their WHY's would be different.

Anyway. I am rambling....I really hope she figures it out. In the meantime, have you guys read, Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages? It's a good, easy read and I think essential for people in R.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 5