Today was much better than yesterday.
For whatever reason, WH has been showing me a lot of affection and attention today after his lecture about him feeling "dirty" and "like a kid" in having to share about his interactions with his FF.
I don't know what got to him but since last night, he had a revelation about how "selfish" his question would have been to me this morning, whatever that ? was because he didn't even want to mention it to me once he realized how selfish it was.
Nevertheless, I went to bed and woke up last night with a new revelation for myself.
I realize and ACCEPT that I can't change anyone else but myself. (I knew this in my head, but something has happened in my heart).
I realize and ACCEPT I have been trying to help WH see the error of his ways when in fact, he is content with who he really is inside.
I realize and ACCEPT that I am responsible for my actions, behaviors, and where my life is headed, or not.
I realize and ACCEPT that if WH truly loves me like he says, he will do what he needs to do without giving me a hard time and that if he doesn't, well, he just doesn't...I still will have to move on regardless.
I realize and ACCEPT that at the end of the day, I am responsible for my own happiness and that I should not give anyone else the power to "make" or break me in any way, shape, or form.
This doesn't mean I may not be frustrated, disappointed, upset, or angry about what someone may have said or done to me, but it doesn't mean I have to allow what they do or say to take knock me off kilter or ruin my whole day or life, for that matter, because they didn't live up to my expectations or their promises (not negating what one goes through upon discovering a betrayal---just coming to a place of acceptance regarding my own situation right now).
I realize that if I want change, I have to be the change I desire to see!
I am tired of WH seeing my pain, heartache and tears and not caring or putting the spotlight back on his feelings instead.
I am tired of beating a dead horse and taking two steps forward just to go backwards.
I am tired of being weak, a victim, of being tired...Period!!!!
MY life has to get better and be better.
MY life has to change whether WH steps up during this process or not.
I need to change.
Do I still have boundaries set if WH wants to be with me? YES, and will keep those boundaries for as long as I need to.
Will I compromise on what's good for my well-being just to keep someone in my life who says they love me but may not always have my best interest at heart? NO, I will not do that any longer because I am tired of being in the rut that I am in personally.
From this day on, I am choosing to resolve within myself that if with no one else, I need to reconcile w/the person I love and lost the most throughout this whole ordeal...ME!!!!
I miss me...who I really am.
I am tired of being broken and at the mercy of someone else's decisions. I am tired of waiting and hoping for changes that may or may never come.
This doesn't mean I am out of the door right now or am even giving up on my M...but it does mean that for now, I need to build me up for where I am at in life right now so that I can attract better things and/or people into my life.
If I want things to change, I need to change first! With that change, those around me will be required to treat me differently. If they love me, they will adjust and adapt to the new me...and if they don't really love, they will remove themselves from my life because it will require too much work to stay with me.
I desire nothing more than to work things out with my WH....but I know that this desire can only go so far as long as we both are truly committed to the process.
There are still a lot of questions I need answers to before I can make a full blown decision as to whether I leave or stay because right now, I believe I have been in false R....but, for now, for my sanity, health, quality of life, and for my children, I need to regroup and focus on me....and trust that if WH is truly serious about R, the light bulb will go off and he will step up as a man, as a friend, as a partner, and as a husband to me!
Regardless of what happens or not, I need to R with me.