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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Ok, so now I am super confused!
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Question  Posted: 6:54 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

We are in house separated for almost a month now. I am cordial but certainly not affectionate. We talk a bit and share meals and chores.

Yesterday, I shared some thoughts I had about the demise of our relationship and the beginning of his sexual acting out. I pointed out that we have very different love languages and had never realized that. So while we each thought we were showing our love to the other, the other wasn't feeling it. And as our banks got more and more empty he started his SA acting out (this is partially because he hasn't been going to AA meetings for the past several years).

I was foolishly trying to get him to acknowledge (at least to himself) his SA. He was receptive to my comments and agreed that there was validity to them. He didn't address the SA and acting out at all though. I gave up and we went on with our day.

This morning I made us both lunch. A few minutes ago, I receive the following text:

"Thank you for the wonderful lunch! You are so magnificent and kind and thoughtful and sweet! Love you"

Whaaaaaat????? A month ago you didn't believe I ever loved you. You blamed ME for your acting out and your A. NOW I am "magnificent?"

My head hurts. WTF????


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1025 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, April 19th (Friday)

Honey, you need to add some salt to that cake to make it unpalatable.

I would not share meals. Hell, during in house I could barely share oxygen.

This kind of thing is causing the confusion.

I don't know a single love language that includes fucking someone else.

You can take 50% responsibility for a shitty M - at best (I take my 50% from putting up with his bullshit for so long) - but exactly 0% for his cheating and SA.

You were in the same marriage, no? Did you cheat?

No.

He has a fucked up coping mechanism and if he is SA then there's an illness too.

"Love you"? Fuck you and your rancid breadcrumbs.

Love yourself more than this hun. Close the bakery - there's an emotional bakery too, not just a physical one.

NC/180 as best you can whilst in-house. Otherwise everything is going to hurt much more and for much longer than it needs to.

((CheaterMagnet))


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Sounds kind of like he's messing with your head.

My STBXH also has SA and is a big fan of porn, but decided never to tell me. I learned it from someone else, just like the A. Anyway...

I cannot imagine in house separation. When he was here during false R it was so intense, you could feel sparks in the air even when no one was speaking.

It was nice of you to share a meal and is very hard to stop the habit. I find myself biting my tongue not to offer STBXH food if he ever is in the house. I think its a maternal instinct?

If it were me I would tread lightly. I wanted to tell STBXH about the SA too, but whenever I've tried to share psychology reasoning and ideas, he yells at me.

I wish you well and hope periods of peace will come.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, April 20th (Saturday)

Also, I've found that people use "I love you" or "love you" in different ways. Sometimes people say it but don't mean it romantically.

It's hard to describe, but it can be said in an almost light hearted and teasing way.

And I think sometimes people mean "love" for the moment and not for a lifetime as a way to show they are pleased, like giving a reward.

I think my STBXH used it when he was happy with something I did-he doesn't now, probably OW gets it-but it came out in a stinging way. They shouldn't.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 21st (Sunday)

there's an emotional bakery too, not just a physical one.

Strong, thank you so much for this! I never realized it, but you are totally correct.

I want to make excuses and say, "but he's been my friend for so long, blah blah blah" but the truth is, I don't tolerate my friends treating me like shit.

I guess I've been kind of drifting along thinking that as long as I'm not sleeping with him, that maybe we can just be roommates and friends. I'm not hurting. I'm not anything. I do fantasize about having my own place and the peace I feel when I do that tells me that it's what I need. I just really need to get a car and I need the chick who is living in "my" apartment to get the hell out.

Ash, I agree with what you are saying, but I'm pretty sure he's trying to lure me back in. He's trying to acknowledge everything I've said EXCEPT the fact that he is a SA and needs treatment. he thinks that if he does everything else I need, I will just let that tiny, little, insignificant detail go. Not likely fucker!


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1025 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
KickedintheGut
Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, April 22nd (Monday)

CheaterMagnet - please remember that an SA outside of recovery is an emotional vampire - they don't know how to feel the emotions, but they know they should, so they manipulate and get their emotional fix from their families. Then they feel like they are feeling emotions, when really it's a poor substitute.


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

an SA outside of recovery is an emotional vampire - they don't know how to feel the emotions, but they know they should, so they manipulate and get their emotional fix from their families. Then they feel like they are feeling emotions, when really it's a poor substitute.

Wow. This just slapped me in the face. You are describing SAWH exactly. He shows no emotion regarding S/D. He seems to sleep just fine. No emotional outbursts. No sighs. No tears. Definitely no conversation. He just pretends that everything is just as it was, we just don't sleep together.

I have got to get stronger. I feel myself slipping back into conversations about what "we" should do in the house and yard.

Then this morning, I creeped at SIL's FB page. She had checked in at a restaurant and OW commented that it was a favorite of hers. SIL responded, "Girl! Next time you go you better call me! I live right by there!" SIL HATED OW before. She used to tell me what an awful person she was and how miserable she made SAWH.

This was a HUGE reminder of the drama we face if we were to R. His family is still actively engaged with the OW and still shutting me out. He cheated. I am the bitch.

Detach. Detach. Detach.

Just a little bit longer. I need to buy a new car though and I need him to help me pay for it. Is it awful that I am playing nice until I get the car? I feel so dirty. But I can't leave without it. And the apartment isn't vacant yet.

*sigh* I need some garlic, holy water and a crucifix.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1025 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
Topic Posts: 7