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User Topic: Going nc with family? justified?
DragnHeart
Member
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, April 18th (Thursday)

I am deeply conflicted and really need some advice.

Since my in laws kicked us out they haven't made much effort to stay in contact. From what wh tells me at work, only the few people he has told know what actually happened, his mother hasn't said anything about kicking us out and she acts like everything is "peachy".

They haven't asked about their grand kids nor asked to see where we are living. 

In short they just don't seem to care.

Now my personal opinion is: that bridge burned to ashes along time ago and their current behaviour just solidifies my feelings about them. If they never are a part of our lives it's no great loss....to me.

Of course I am deeply saddened for my children who love and ask about them daily.  I can't say anything bad and simply tell them that I really don't know when we will see grandma and grandpa again.

The problem is wh keeps reaching out to his dad, texting him about what's going on and sending pictures of the kids. I want him to go NC with them and let them come crawling back to us, if they even bother too.  But wh doesn't seem to be able to let go even after saying he was through with them.  

I had to nag him constantly before he would call to deal with the cell phones. Because the phones weren't completely paid for (paid off through the plan) we would have to pay off their phones and then pay a cancelation fee for both phones. Instead I was told to have wh (the account holder) call and give permission for a "transfer of responsibility" for their phones.  This means they have to call and arrange their own plan. As of tonight I am not sure they have done this (and seriously why would they...if they couldn't keep a home phone line I doubt they could afford their cell phones!!!).  As it stands our current bill is MORE than what we pay for Renting a three bedroom HOUSE!!! Omg!!!  

The fact they bitched to my brother about how it's ME who runs up the bill just shows how f**ked up they are!  The bills prove its their lines doing it and them tethering their phones to download games etc. to their iPod...well....sorry but it isn't me running up the bill!  

My only recourse is to suspend the usage until they transfer the lines. Which will be done tomorrow. I'm not canceling the phones, just putting a hold on what they can do until the lines get transferred off of our plan.  

Again I can see this upsetting wh.  He said not long ago "they are still my parents". Yes. They are but he can't put them before his own family. We cannot keep paying for their phones especially when they are 100% irresponsible in using them.  

Is it wrong of me to want complete NC with them?  I have my own reasons for never wanting them in my life or the lives of my kids but it's selfish or will be viewed that way.  

They seemed to gloat that I had to re home my dogs.  It kills me inside not knowing how my pups are doing!!!  

FIL said (to someone else) he couldn't stand listening to the kids when he got home...nice. Worse he couldn't even bother to say a damn word to us!  If ya got a problem spit it out!  No he hid in the other room while mil stuck her hand up to stop me from talking so she could tell us to get out!

I don't know how I could ever face these people again and be able to hold my tongue!  I also don't know how to stop wh from interacting with them or if thats something i should expect.  I really don't think his dad cares one bit about what's going on and is simply putting on a show about being nice.  

Side note: if the situation was reversed and it was my family who had kicked us out/treated us like that I would have washed my hands of them completely... But that's just me.


Posts: 3122 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, April 19th (Friday)

(((DragnHeart)))

You and your family have been thru A LOT! Not just the move, but also the toxic environment you wee living in before the move.

I understand why you want to go NC. Hell, the deserve NC. But your H is not yet ready for that, emotionally. He has yet to accept the level of betrayal they have unleashed on your family. and yes, IMO they betrayed you BIG TIME. Your H still wants to believe that his parents would never intentionally hurt him or betray him. He is not ready to accept what they have done.

My advise is to back off your H and allow him to continue to try to contact his family. But that does not mean that YOU or your kids need to have contact with them. In fact, you can tell H that they way they acted has left you with no sympathy at all for them because of how badly they treated YOU, YOUR KIDS, and YOUR HUSBAND.

You do not ever have to talk to them or see them again. YOU control that. If your H wants to try, well they are his parents no matter how fucked up they are. So let him give it a shot but make it clear that you nor your kids will ever see them again.

I think your kids are young enough so that if you just distract them when they ask about the family then eventually they will forget. Once they are older (12-16) if they have questions then you can simply say that the family did nor show you respect and that was not acceptable. And that they have not shown any respect since and that you will not allow people to treat you like that. Or something like that.

Oh, and cut off the cell phones immediately.

wrt your husband, know that he is in a difficult postion. Let him know that YOU will not contact or engage with his family, but if he feels the need then he can and should.

HTH


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17689 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, April 19th (Friday)

Toxic Inlaws by Dr. Susan Forward saved my sanity. (Well, part of it )

It's so hard to know where to draw the line when keeping hurtful family at arms length, but your H's behavior sounds much more codependent than just plain thoughtful.

It makes me sad that my SIL hasn't seen or spoken to DD3 in a little over a year, but all I have to do to remind myself that NC is the right thing to do is to pull up one of the scathing emails she's sent H and I about what horrible people we are. And then the subsequent ones where she pretends she never sent the first one. Loco!


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
DragnHeart
Member
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, April 19th (Friday)

Thank you both for your replies.

I do think my wh is codependent. I think he needs the approval of his father.

It really doesn't matter how they have treated me, the things they said about the kids and not wanting to see them is what burns me so bad. Regardless of what crap adults get into there's NO reason to treat children badly!!! They are innocent.

I shall deal with the phones today. That makes me angry at my wh. It's his responsibility to do this since he is the account holder. Why he doesn't understand that frustrates me.


Posts: 3122 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, April 19th (Friday)

You can go NC with them and let your H come to it on his own time.

Have you talked to the police about them throwing out your belongings, burning your packing boxes and all the other things they have done?

You might be able to have the surrender their phones since you pay for them and they are technically your property. Then, pay them off and cancel the lines. I gather they are smartphones...you can sell them to offset the cost. In the long run, if you can swing it, it will bring you peace that's worth every penny.

Or pay to put parental controls on the phones and limit their use.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
DragnHeart
Member
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, April 19th (Friday)

I spoke to the police but the only thing they said was to call them if the in laws did anything while we were there. The stuff they threw out I didn't see them do so they could say I did it... At the time we just wanted to get out as quickly and with as little conflict as possible. There have been fights in the past that really freaked out my kids and I was the one to tell everyone to stop while trying to comfort the kids. I didn't want an episode like that. Dd couldn't handle it.

Wh did stop by there to get some things and was given two night stands, a dresser. I don't know if they were being nice or just offloading what they didn't want to deal with. FIL kept going on about not being able to afford the house and having to downgrade so I would expect if they sell they wouldn't want to move the extra furniture my SIL left behind and that wh grandfather has stored there.

I will see if I can have data removed from the phones so they only work as phones. Might be the incentive they need to transfer the account. Perhaps they already have. It only takes a phone call but I don't know for sure and I dont want to pay for them anymore. Geez having a bill that's more than our rent is crazy!

We have all been sick since before moving. First the flu hit and now everyone has a nasty cold/cough. Both wh and dd are having trouble with their ears so I have to get both into the doctor ASAP. This has made wh grumpy. He's difficult to talk to on a good day never mind when he's sick


Posts: 3122 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, April 19th (Friday)

MrH is a baby when he's sick, so I feel for you.

Most of the time the data package is required when you have a smartphone, but not the tethering. You might be able to shut off the tethering and put a cap on data usage. Check into the parental controls...if you hold the account, you might be able to add them and limit what they can use when it comes to data, texts and minutes. It sounds like they're doing everything they can to run your bill up. Depending on the cost, it might be cheaper to pay the fees in the long run.

Or at least pay the parental control fee and shackle them that way so they can't screw you over any more.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
DragnHeart
Member
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, April 19th (Friday)

I just suspended all data usage.

Wh is on his way to the doctor after I made him an appointment. He got angry. I told him to suck it up and go lol.

Out with my parents. Will post again in a bit.


Posts: 3122 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 19th (Friday)

They sound like real pieces of work. WOW, just WOW.
You are right if it were my family I would be like HELL NO, see ya. Because my wh and kids are my first concern. At the end of the day it is us and the kids.

However, until your wh see's what they have done or how they effect your kids and you, there is nothing you can do and if you stay on him for no contact or bad mouthing his parents in front of him he may end up resenting you and blaming you for everything with his parents. Not fair I know but I just don't want you in the middle of him and his parents. Go NC with them but let him do as he pleases with them.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, April 19th (Friday)

Going NC with Do3K parents was one of the best choices we ever made. It lasted about two months total, before they finally broke down and texted Do3K one day. They went from being overbearing and too invasive to maintaining boundaries.


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11586 | Registered: Dec 2009
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 19th (Friday)

I went NC with my family about 4 or 5 years ago. In addition to my father being an alcoholic with a history of domestic violence, and among all the rest, my mother has sided with XWH and is telling people at my church that I 'have a big imagination.'

I have two boys with ADHD and on the autism spectrum, and in addition to dealing with a cheating, gaslighting husband (with whom they sided and told me I must be imagining it), they told me if I were only a better parent....blahblahblah.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

I have not once regretted going NC. I feel much more at peace. I'm happier with myself and with life. I have felt much better able to love my children whole-heartedly without my parents and siblings breathing down my neck, and better able to deal with them calmly.

My parents have made no effort to mend bridges. My older kids go visit them on their own and one of my sons has helpfully told me he's sure I *think* this stuff happened....

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers when not everyone is in agreement on NC. But if they are toxic, I recommend YOU staying away as much as you're able.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, April 19th (Friday)

Defintately,

your WH will literally feel the world off his shoulders lift off.

However this is something he needs to come to, this can't be forced.

But that is based off my own personal experience. Your husband will take a very long time to work through it.

I think that maybe saying okay a weekly update is alright. And slowly detatch

goodluck


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
DragnHeart
Member
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, April 20th (Saturday)

I wrote out a response and thought I hit submit. When I loaded the page this morning i realized I didn't and my reply disappeared when it refreshed duh lol

I think my wh resents me already. He and his father had been very close but when we got together and had dd his dad didn't want to do anything. He eventually told me he thought that since wh had his own family he should step aside, which is not what I wanted! We told him that but the relationship between them deteriorated. Wh, myself and the kids became a separate entity in the house instead of "part of the family".

When I look at the family dynamics of both his parents growing up it doesn't surprise me about their behaviour. Neither of them are close to any of their families.

Wh came home early yesterday after seeing the doctor. He has a bad infection in both ears. I came home from shopping with my parents and DS, picked up wh prescriptions and headed out to pick up dd from school. Wh benefits card only works at certain pharmacies so I had to travel an hour to get them filled. Wh is on three medications. He wasn't in any mood to really do anything except try to sleep. He ha mentioned something about his fathers Facebook yesterday but didn't show me until this morning. His father posted a picture of his brothers gf at Walmart.

I asked wh if that upset him and he said yes. His father treats her better than his own son and grandchildren. I think she's pregnant...she had been throwing up alot right before we moved.

Last night I dreamt tht wh an I went back to get toys we had left behind. it was so vivid! They were gutting and renovating the house. They ignored us for the most part. Then FIL said something and I just ripped into him. I told him how horrible he has been to his own son. I released everything I wanted to say. It felt good. I guess my subconscious is helping me deal with the built up anger and hurt.

Wh has gone to work today. I think he is very hurt by his families behaviour. He said that he went and got the dresser that his dad said we could have so stop them from dropping it off. I guess he doesn't want them here.


Posts: 3122 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
DragnHeart
Member
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

I am so angry! Wh is at work. So is his mother. All she managed to say was hi. No inquiries about her grandchildren...

How can she be like this?
What is wrong with them?

I just want to slap her!

On the plus side the kids seem to be doing alright. They have spent a lot of time with my parents and love going there. Wh took them to the park yesterday while I was at my parents doing laundry then he and the kids came. We stayed for dinner. Both kids had fun chasing my dad around.

Dd still occasionally asks about his parents and when they will visit. Breaks my heart!


Posts: 3122 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

I think my wh resents me already. He and his father had been very close but when we got together and had dd his dad didn't want to do anything. He eventually told me he thought that since wh had his own family he should step aside, which is not what I wanted! We told him that but the relationship between them deteriorated. Wh, myself and the kids became a separate entity in the house instead of "part of the family".

I don't understand why your husband resents you for a decision that his father made. I mean, I understand it on the level of blameshifting and cognitive dissonance and all that, but it's not right, and I hope he realizes it soon.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13802 | Registered: Jul 2011
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

I don't understand why your husband resents you for a decision that his father made. I mean, I understand it on the level of blameshifting and cognitive dissonance and all that, but it's not right, and I hope he realizes it soon.

Ditto.

Personally, from everything you've written about your WH's family, they should feel grateful if you speak to them in the afterlife let alone this one.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6541 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
DragnHeart
Member
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, April 22nd (Monday)

Maybe resent is the wrong word? It goes back to what he told "someone else" about "regretting getting married and having kids".

I think part of him wishes things were different. He's very hard to read. Even a co worker said that to him. After wh told him about the situation and the place we are now the other guy said he couldn't tell if wh liked where we are or liked being on his own.

Sometimes I wish I could read his mind.

Then again if he isn't happy with me and the kids then he has an "out" so it's up to him to figure out what he wants.

I am very happy where we are.

No mold!
No dog/cat feces and pee everywhere!!! I can walk around in my socks woohoo!!!
The food we buy is still in the fridge when I go look for it.
Don't have to hide our shampoo anymore.

Need I say more lol. I don't think his family will bother with me again. And I am 100% ok with that. Perhaps it's a bit much but they are dead to me.


Posts: 3122 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
DragnHeart
Member
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)

FIL sent wh a text asking how the kids are doing. Not sure how wh felt about it. He had a look on his face like "ya whatever" but he responded.

I suspended data usage on their phones hoping it would encourage them to switch to their own plan...I'll have to call the cell company to see if they did.


Posts: 3122 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 18