User Topic: Unanswered ?'s
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 19th (Friday)

Does anyone have ?'s that they do not want to know the answer to? Like the Jason Mraz song 'Living in the Moment' says "I'm going to let go of what I know I don't know". I have not wanted all the specific details, I have enough mind movies and I'm trying to let go of a few questions...I do not think the answer would help me heal.

Me-BS 51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, April 19th (Friday)

There is no right way or wrong way of dealing with infidelity, it's such a deeply personal and traumatic thing.

In my situation I want ALL the answers... unfortunately there are some things fWH doesn't remember (I'm trying to believe that he genuinely doesn't remember, sometimes I think he is just trying to protect me/himself by saying he doesn't remember)

If you are comfortable with letting some questions go then IMO that's fine. I think it was Sisoon who replied on another thread, something to the effect of: if you don't want to know, then that is fine but if you fear knowing, then that is something that needs to be explored (he put it way more eloquently!)

BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 19th (Friday)

I have concluded that what I have wanted was not necessarily the answers to these questions, but the willingness on my FWH's part to give the answers.

Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1333 | Registered: Aug 2010
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, April 19th (Friday)

.I do not think the answer would help me heal.

If that is true, then don't ask.

This has been so hard for me. I am closely related to the feline that curiosity killed. And not like a second cousin twice removed...more like a twin sister.

I am dying to ask about the sex. But I think if I knew it would make our intimate life even harder. As in practically impossible. So I don't ask. Maybe someday if/when we are much much stronger.

I received some advice from another BW early on. She had asked and found out OW was a "moaner". So, now and forever she feels compelled to be silent in bed lest she be anything like OW.

Before you ask a question, imagine if the answer he gave you would be your worst fear. Decide if you could handle it and use that to decide if you should ask.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, April 19th (Friday)

I agree with ItsaClimb- everyone is different.

At first I completely didn't want to know, as she was confessing I was like "stop stop stop!!!!!" But then...I don't know what happened in my head but I needed to know everything and I mean EVERYTHING!!

In some way it did make it better because I know what didn't happen- you know what I mean? My mind movies could then be cut and edited to not include some stuff that I'd imagined- It did turn the things I was right about into High Definition widescreen with Dolby Surround Sound though. So in some respects I'm glad I asked, in others I wish I hadn't.

I'm sorry that's probably not a helpful reply!

BH-29 (me)

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.

Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, April 19th (Friday)

I agree with hopingforhappy. I wanted to see a turnaround. There was months and months of lying. I wanted WH to show me he actually knew how to be honest.

I also really feel that verbalizing what you've done wrong creates a sense of ownership that "stuffing" it doesn't. I wanted him to take that full ownership and see the weight of his actions. I don't know how he could have done that if he didn't say them out loud to me. But I think IC would be a place to do this, group therapy, etc.

It just seems that letting elements of the A reside in the WS' brain alone, percolating, etc. would be dangerous. But that is just my opinion and YOU come first. If it wouldn't work for you to hear these things, then that's what matters most.

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, April 19th (Friday)

I agree that we are all different and what we need is different, not right, not wrong, just unique to us and that is what matters, what WE each need, not what someone else might think we need imo.

I know for me, I have spent my whole life "letting it go", it is so ingrained in me that I do not even see how much I let go until much later in life and it is to a point that it is to my detriment imo at this stage for me.

Due to my own issues in this area, I NEED any and all questions answered if possible not only for the answers, but for me to stretch myself, to honor this need and not just shove it down by "letting go" (not saying letting go is shoving it down for others, just for me, that is how I roll apparently )

My biggest advice in this area is to HONOR yourself, honor what YOU need and if you do not think it would help then honor that.


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, April 19th (Friday)

Thank you so much for your support.
Itsaclimb-I don't fear the answers but I did not think of it in that way, so thank you.
hopingforhappy-he was defensive & TT for 7 months & then answered ALL my ?'s. I told him on that day I deserved honesty & to have my ?'s answered so I do have a husband who is willing to answer.
heforgotme-You guys are really helping me to realize I just want to move forward without knowing certain details. My worst fear is already known with what he did & I don't want more details. And he is not that man now.
idiot85-This is reinforcing I really do not want to know everything. Want to concentrate on making "our" memories.
RockyMtn-There was 7 months of lying & then he did verbalize answers to me, it was very painful for him and he has not been defensive since, he 'got' it.
GraceisGood-"HONOR yourself." Thank you.

Me-BS 51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, April 19th (Friday)

Just wanted to chime in because I did NOT want to know all the answers. I know enough. I used to ask myself the question, wait 24 hours, re-ask myself and if I still really needed the answer, I'd ask him. I've let go of a lot and honestly, it's helped me more than anything.

Some mention the willingness on a FWH's part to answer questions and I do agree that that is important. And I think part of the reason I was able to stop asking was because I had that knowledge- that he would answer anything.

You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August

Posts: 2030 | Registered: Sep 2011
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, April 19th (Friday)

Forgivingnow, I think as long as it's your decision- forward thinking can be a great repairer.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life! - It's an oldie but a goodie

BH-29 (me)

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.

Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, April 19th (Friday)

Like so many others have already said, it is deeply personal and entirely up to you. Depends on what you need, desire and feel comfortable with.

For me, I NEEDED to know everything. Maybe my reasons are different, though? For me, it made it seem more 'human' and 'real', and allowed me to try to empathize with my WW. Also, for me, the TRUTH is usually much less 'sexy' than what I envision. Especially once I was able to see pictures of the OM (he is pretty unattractive and sleazy-looking; not that I'm the cat's meow or anything, but he's a good 4.5/10 (yes, I used a decimal)..!), and learn about what he does (he 'gambles' for a living, and likely sells drugs to supplement his income), and where he lives (I think he lives on a friend's parents couch at the moment). Once all this came out in a Q&A session with my WW (more like 10 Q&A sessions), I was able to really put it into perspective, and I truly don't feel like he can hold a candle to me in ANY respect, unless it's a race to the bottom, then he takes the cake all the way.

So maybe think of it that way - it is likely MUCH less 'sexier' and 'cool' than you think in your head.

ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, April 19th (Friday)

I wanted all the answers and my fWH was able to answer them only yesterday. I kept asking about the sex and finally he told me. He did not want to answer them because he was self protecting and frankly embarrassed that he had to confess to his loving wife his mis-deeds. For me, I needed his willingness to do this! I felt that since he brought her into our bed, I had a right to know what went on!

But, before I asked, I thought about it alot and I was not emotional at all. I think it hurt him more to say these things outloud than it hurt me. They sounded really stupid and he knew it!

Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
New Member
Member # 38992
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, April 19th (Friday)

Been wrestling with this very issue myself. I have asked a lot of questions, and he has answered every single one of them. It's helped me see things clearly, which is good. Like someone else said - sometimes the romantic fantasy that runs through your head is so far from the reality of what actually was.

But now I find myself wondering things that I'm not sure I should know the answers to. You know - specific things they did when in bed together - the real gory details of it all. On one hand I think that knowing every detail evens the score - like there are no more secrets there, everything that was intimate between them will be gone because I KNOW. But on the other hand, what if the answers cause me further pain? And unfortunately I don't know if they will until I actually get the answers...


Posts: 36 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 13